I am determined to make this a better day than the past few days have been. I love my children dearly but I haven't spent all day with them since I was on their perspective maternity leaves. That's what makes this summer vacation so interesting. I consider myself reasonably educated and fairly intelligent but my two children have run circles around me, hog tied me and held me for ransom!
It hasn't been THAT bad, but it's been very, VERY challenging adjusting to the new routine of home with mommy.
My children definitely cannot be left alone for longer than two minutes at a time. When I say, "alone" I mean, mommy in one room, kiddos in theirs. The mayhem that results from this brief separation is jaw dropping. I am in awe of the amount of mass destruction they are able to create as a combined force in such a short amount of time. No...I'm ASTOUNDED. I stand in awe of their power.
But like all the other challenges of my life, I accept this one with my chin up. I'm definitely prayerful and open to the leading of the Lord for this new duty in my life. That's the thing I love so much about being a Christian. My Christianity, or better put, my RELATIONSHIP with God isn't relegated to a church building. I need God 24/7, not just when it's time to get dressed up and head to the church house. The older I get, the more I realize that there should be absolutely nothing that I hesitate to run by God, including how on earth to raise, manage, keep from folly, and away from foolishness, His two gifts to me.
And guess what?
He is helping me!
How incredible is that?!
I'm thankful that as a single mother, I realize that He is the source of my help. I can simply pray and ask for His help and guidance and He provides it. Pretty amazing, actually.
God loves single moms, married moms, all moms. And more than anything, He wants to help us ALL do the very best we can with the gifts that He's entrusted to us.
And that's the first thing to remember when the house is full of noise, chaos, and small fires...
God trusts me.
Yep, that's right. I said it.
There was something that God saw in me that He deemed capable and suitable for the task of raising two of His creations. Now if THAT isn't a confidence booster, I don't know what is.
Just remember when things are going slightly berserk, God trusts me. He believes in me. He has confidence that what He created me to be and what He put in me is adequate and suitable for the situation that I now face.
So, as I balance all of the household tasks and pluck my precious children off the curtain rods and out of the freezer, I know that God believes in me. He trusts me.
And because of that, I believe in me too.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Alone
It's 8:30 a.m. and already my house is full of life and activity. My home phone has rang once, I've checked twitter and facebook and my children are already placing their breakfast orders. While I had a moment, I wanted to talk about something that is significant to me.
It's no secret that I desire to be married. Because of that desire, people assume that I am unhappily single.
That is an incorrect assumption.
Single simply means that I am not married. It has nothing to do with my personality or even my location or vocation in life. All single means is, "a person is unmarried".
My issue has never truly been with being single.
My issue has ALWAYS been with being alone.
One of the biggest reasons I am currently single is because of feeling alone when I was with someone. There's nothing worse than having a companion who isn't good company or a mate who won't meet you where you are. There's more to being involved with someone than relocating to be close to them. More than once I've been sitting beside a man who's heart was miles away from me or mine from his.
Location doesn't make you closer.
Twice I've thought that if we simply moved in together, it would bring us closer together. I quickly learned you can share the bills and pass the mashed potatoes and still be distant.
Conversation doesn't make you closer.
At one time, I talked to the father of my children almost daily, several times a day. I heard his voice and he expressed his thoughts. But after the conversations I never felt complete. I always felt there were words left on the table, like unwrapped gifts that he didn't want to open and that I wasn't allowed to present.
Single is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I know that's a bold statement to make but I have a new outlook on life now.
I'm now unwilling to leave any state in life before, unless and until I have extracted all of the good out of it.
There's plenty of good in singleness.
While it has often been a point of frustration being the only person to make a major decision regarding my family and our future, it has also caused me to look to the Lord first, rather than a man. And not only that, but there's nothing like not having to silently go along with something you disagree with to your core.
That's the part of marriage and relationships that we forget to talk about when we're flipping through bridal magazines and crying in front of TLC.
Two becoming one is TOUGH!
If two becoming one is tough, imagine the process of one becoming whole.
That's what I've learned in my singleness. There's so much work to do; so much self examination, decontamination and re-training. I do believe it is possible to marry at a young age and bless those who have done so and found success. But it is so much harder to find yourself when another person wants you to help them look for themselves at the same time. Two lost people take a very long time to be found.
Maturity, as much as we'd like to think otherwise, has a time element. Experience alone doesn't mature you. I know some people feel qualified because they have gone through some things. But the truth of the matter is time is still a factor. It's the difference between rookies and veterans. Rookies are excellent players. They wouldn't be chosen for the team or even in the games if they weren't. But what a rookie doesn't have is the benefit of years combined with experience. It's the difference between a new mother and a grandmother. Every time my new baby cried, I was a bundle of nerves.However, my mother, his grandmother, was as cool as a cucumber. She had a whole suitcase of time and experience that I didn't have. Anyone can experience something once. But a plant that spends one day in the sun is going to look different than the plant that gets to spend 30 days in it.
Just sayin.
As fabulous as I am, I realize that time plays a huge role in my perfection.
I was a great woman at 23 years old.
I'm an even better woman at 33.
I thought I was ready to be a wife 10 years ago.
I realize now that I didn't even know what a wife was nor what a husband was.
I was talking with my sister last night (who I subsequently talked to sleep but she knows I ain't mad at her.. lol!) and I realized that whenever I hear men talking positively about men, I immediately have a visceral, sarcastic reaction.
Where is that coming from? Why does the description of a good man bring out the angry woman in me?
Probably because I've never met him.
So here's my challenge...
If I've never met a good man, what am I waiting on?
Many women are waiting on a good man to come along.
I'm suggesting that we stop waiting and go meet them.
But here's the thing...
You don't have to date one romantically to get to know one.
If you've never seen, met, interacted with, dated or otherwise had a healthy relationship with a good man, first thing you need to do is find one and spend some time with him.
Let HIM be your mentor.
Let him be the one to show you what a man looks like.
That way, when a man approaches you, you now have a point of reference.
Truth of the matter is, in my early dating experience, I dated a lot of young boys who were not men. It is not a judgement, nor is it a criticism. Truth of the matter is I was a little girl and they were little boys.
So yea, I'm single but I'm very busy.
I'm looking at my life and submitting to the preparation that God is taking me through that will allow me to fully embrace every good thing He desires to give me, husband included.
There are good men in my life. Some are already there and some are on the way.
I'm going to listen to them, observe, see what they value, see how they handle pressure, watch how they speak to the women in their lives, young and old.
I'm going to get a better mental picture of manhood in my mind.
I'm going to enjoy being single.
Alone is no longer appealing, nor is it an option.
It's no secret that I desire to be married. Because of that desire, people assume that I am unhappily single.
That is an incorrect assumption.
Single simply means that I am not married. It has nothing to do with my personality or even my location or vocation in life. All single means is, "a person is unmarried".
My issue has never truly been with being single.
My issue has ALWAYS been with being alone.
One of the biggest reasons I am currently single is because of feeling alone when I was with someone. There's nothing worse than having a companion who isn't good company or a mate who won't meet you where you are. There's more to being involved with someone than relocating to be close to them. More than once I've been sitting beside a man who's heart was miles away from me or mine from his.
Location doesn't make you closer.
Twice I've thought that if we simply moved in together, it would bring us closer together. I quickly learned you can share the bills and pass the mashed potatoes and still be distant.
Conversation doesn't make you closer.
At one time, I talked to the father of my children almost daily, several times a day. I heard his voice and he expressed his thoughts. But after the conversations I never felt complete. I always felt there were words left on the table, like unwrapped gifts that he didn't want to open and that I wasn't allowed to present.
Single is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I know that's a bold statement to make but I have a new outlook on life now.
I'm now unwilling to leave any state in life before, unless and until I have extracted all of the good out of it.
There's plenty of good in singleness.
While it has often been a point of frustration being the only person to make a major decision regarding my family and our future, it has also caused me to look to the Lord first, rather than a man. And not only that, but there's nothing like not having to silently go along with something you disagree with to your core.
That's the part of marriage and relationships that we forget to talk about when we're flipping through bridal magazines and crying in front of TLC.
Two becoming one is TOUGH!
If two becoming one is tough, imagine the process of one becoming whole.
That's what I've learned in my singleness. There's so much work to do; so much self examination, decontamination and re-training. I do believe it is possible to marry at a young age and bless those who have done so and found success. But it is so much harder to find yourself when another person wants you to help them look for themselves at the same time. Two lost people take a very long time to be found.
Maturity, as much as we'd like to think otherwise, has a time element. Experience alone doesn't mature you. I know some people feel qualified because they have gone through some things. But the truth of the matter is time is still a factor. It's the difference between rookies and veterans. Rookies are excellent players. They wouldn't be chosen for the team or even in the games if they weren't. But what a rookie doesn't have is the benefit of years combined with experience. It's the difference between a new mother and a grandmother. Every time my new baby cried, I was a bundle of nerves.However, my mother, his grandmother, was as cool as a cucumber. She had a whole suitcase of time and experience that I didn't have. Anyone can experience something once. But a plant that spends one day in the sun is going to look different than the plant that gets to spend 30 days in it.
Just sayin.
As fabulous as I am, I realize that time plays a huge role in my perfection.
I was a great woman at 23 years old.
I'm an even better woman at 33.
I thought I was ready to be a wife 10 years ago.
I realize now that I didn't even know what a wife was nor what a husband was.
I was talking with my sister last night (who I subsequently talked to sleep but she knows I ain't mad at her.. lol!) and I realized that whenever I hear men talking positively about men, I immediately have a visceral, sarcastic reaction.
Where is that coming from? Why does the description of a good man bring out the angry woman in me?
Probably because I've never met him.
So here's my challenge...
If I've never met a good man, what am I waiting on?
Many women are waiting on a good man to come along.
I'm suggesting that we stop waiting and go meet them.
But here's the thing...
You don't have to date one romantically to get to know one.
If you've never seen, met, interacted with, dated or otherwise had a healthy relationship with a good man, first thing you need to do is find one and spend some time with him.
Let HIM be your mentor.
Let him be the one to show you what a man looks like.
That way, when a man approaches you, you now have a point of reference.
Truth of the matter is, in my early dating experience, I dated a lot of young boys who were not men. It is not a judgement, nor is it a criticism. Truth of the matter is I was a little girl and they were little boys.
So yea, I'm single but I'm very busy.
I'm looking at my life and submitting to the preparation that God is taking me through that will allow me to fully embrace every good thing He desires to give me, husband included.
There are good men in my life. Some are already there and some are on the way.
I'm going to listen to them, observe, see what they value, see how they handle pressure, watch how they speak to the women in their lives, young and old.
I'm going to get a better mental picture of manhood in my mind.
I'm going to enjoy being single.
Alone is no longer appealing, nor is it an option.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Storm Clouds May Rise...
Once the power went out, there was nothing to do so I decided to step outside, camera phone in hand and take a look at the friendly skies.
Does THAT look friendly to you?!
It was the largest mass of clouds I'd ever seen in my life and it literally HOVERED over my neighborhood for what seemed like 20 minutes. There was no violent winds, no hail, no lightning, and not even a boom of thunder. It was just a huge, ominous storm cloud HOVERING over my neighborhood.
Immediately my mind went Old Testament. I wonder is this what the children of Israel saw as the pillar of cloud began to form and hover before them to guide the way? I looked up at the skies and said aloud, "You will NOT harm my house, nor this neighborhood, NOR this entire area!". As the rain began to pour, I stepped back inside. I did my best to keep the children occupied but little did I know we were in for almost a 4 hour power outage.
But there was no storm. Nothing broken, damaged or blown away. My empty kiddie pool didn't even blow across the yard!
To God be the glory.
I couldn't help but think as I reflected back on the sight of that intimidating storm cloud hovering right over my neighborhood and right in front of me, how many things in our lives behave just like that cloud? There's no real threat to it but its presence alone is enough to strike fear in us and that fear alone paralyzes us.
But just like the cloud rolled on by, although slowly, this too shall roll on by.
It won't harm you although it looks as if it will.
I'm covered.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Plenty of Fish: The Update & Conclusion
Well, as promised, I decided to give the free dating site plentyoffish.com a try.
First of all, let me start by saying that for what it's worth, I think it's a great site. I have nothing in particular against the site itself.
With that being said...
I quickly realized that this was totally not for me.
Back in the day when I used to visit such sites, I was completely game. I wanted and needed the attention that the hundreds and possibly thousands of gawking men would give. What woman doesn't like to hear the occasional, "You are sexy as hell?" Feels good every now and then.
Feels better when it's coming from someone who loves you.
So I guess that was the biggest let down. I'm not condemning the men who did leave their comments on my profile. They liked what they saw and responded accordingly. No one was offensive but a couple were forward. None were great conversationalists and most emails contained, "I'm good, u? Where u live?" Blah. There were two gentlemen who I found interesting and handsome but I was quickly turned off by their unwillingness to engage in conversation. I'll pass.
Maybe five years ago I would have felt as if I'd hit the lottery with this site. There are a lot of available men there and it doesn't take long at all to hear from them.
It's just that now, at the ripe ol' age of 33, I need a little bit more in my life than feeling as if I just joined a human auction. Yea, that's basically how I felt.
Felt like I was walking the streets at night, alone. Sure, there's some good people in the world but there's some creeps in the shadows too. I saw some creeps. I knew those who wanted to "hook up" and nothing more. When those types commented on my profile, that left me feeling creepy. "Do I strike you as the type of woman who'd be down for that?!"
So yes, I'm still interested in dating but it won't be that way.
Online dating sites are just that: dating sites.
It's virtually impossible to formulate a friendship with a man whose sole purpose is to try to get the prettiest faces to respond to him. No one read my bio. No one reflected back any of my interests. They viewed my pictures and hit send on "Hey beautiful. How r u?"
Gross.
Before I went to bed, I decided to do a little reading in my bible and almost instantly, I flipped to 2 Chronicles 15:2. The passage simply says that God will be with us as long as we're with Him and if we seek Him with our whole hearts, He'll be found of us. Once I read that passage, I was convicted in my heart. I immediately prayed and asked God for forgiveness. I can believe God to help me pay my bills and heal my body in miraculous ways.
But why can't I believe Him for a mate in that same manner?
Why do I feel the need to "help" God help me?
Why do I feel the need to "help" God help me?
So I logged onto plentyoffish.com and deleted my profile.
I hesitated at first. I thought to myself, "But what if the right guy was just about to log on? You're blowing your chance girl!"
That's possible. A good man could quite possibly be on plentyoffish.com.
But the man for me probably just deleted his profile too with the same realization as I and that is...
Let go, and let God.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day Finale
Well, my children's father finally decided to call me around 6:00 p.m. I wished him a happy Father's Day. He sounded down in the dumps. I asked him why he hadn't responded all day and he made up a lame excuse about his cellphone being on its charger all day.
Really?
Seriously?
So once I saw he was in liar mode, I quickly handed the phone over to our children. After they talked with him, I hung up.
But I called him back after about ten minutes.
I just couldn't take it.
I had to know.
"What did I do?", I asked. I wanted him to tell me what was it that I did that gave him the excuse to not come and see his children on Father's Day. Was it something I said or didn't say? I was stumped. We talked the night before and he told me he'd be over today to spend time with them. We were up and ready by lunch time. We all were dressed, waiting, watching for him.
Six o'clock in the evening, he calls to say, "I didn't have enough gas to make it over there".
I quickly corrected him and told him that if that had been the real problem, all he had to do was make it known. I would have been more than happy to bring the children over to his house to spend time with him. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the issue. He wasn't that concerned about spending time with them.
Obviously.
So rather than trying to understand his pathology or even attempt to run down behind his excuses and refute them a minute longer, I said good bye.
I said good bye to the whole enterprise of celebrating Father's Day from now on.
It's going to take a real man who has a genuine heart of a father before I bring out the paper hats and noise makers again.
I'm done.
I really mean that.
When hurt and disappointment are optional, I don't select it.
I don't have to set myself and my children up for waiting all day to find out he's not coming.
Nope. I don't have to.
And I won't.
Next Father's Day is going to look a lot different than this one.
I'm not even going to mention it to the children. I'm sure they'll hear of it at school and preschool but as for me? Nope.
Instead, they'll be hearing about how mommy is planning an awesome family trip to the beach where they can build sand castles and I can collect seashells and sip a frozen drink...or two.
This right here is over.
No more Father's Day until a real one shows up.
Really?
Seriously?
So once I saw he was in liar mode, I quickly handed the phone over to our children. After they talked with him, I hung up.
But I called him back after about ten minutes.
I just couldn't take it.
I had to know.
"What did I do?", I asked. I wanted him to tell me what was it that I did that gave him the excuse to not come and see his children on Father's Day. Was it something I said or didn't say? I was stumped. We talked the night before and he told me he'd be over today to spend time with them. We were up and ready by lunch time. We all were dressed, waiting, watching for him.
Six o'clock in the evening, he calls to say, "I didn't have enough gas to make it over there".
I quickly corrected him and told him that if that had been the real problem, all he had to do was make it known. I would have been more than happy to bring the children over to his house to spend time with him. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the issue. He wasn't that concerned about spending time with them.
Obviously.
So rather than trying to understand his pathology or even attempt to run down behind his excuses and refute them a minute longer, I said good bye.
I said good bye to the whole enterprise of celebrating Father's Day from now on.
It's going to take a real man who has a genuine heart of a father before I bring out the paper hats and noise makers again.
I'm done.
I really mean that.
When hurt and disappointment are optional, I don't select it.
I don't have to set myself and my children up for waiting all day to find out he's not coming.
Nope. I don't have to.
And I won't.
Next Father's Day is going to look a lot different than this one.
I'm not even going to mention it to the children. I'm sure they'll hear of it at school and preschool but as for me? Nope.
Instead, they'll be hearing about how mommy is planning an awesome family trip to the beach where they can build sand castles and I can collect seashells and sip a frozen drink...or two.
This right here is over.
No more Father's Day until a real one shows up.
Quick Father's Day Update
Well, it's about 4:03 p.m. and I haven't seen nor heard from the father of my two children. It's not that I haven't made several solid attempts at contacting him. I called him at 9am, then a couple of hours after the initial phone call, I sent him text messages wishing him a Happy Father's Day. A couple hours after that, I tried calling him again and left a voicemail.
No response.
Before I pass judgement, I'll wait a little longer. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
As soon as I get that explanation, I'll share it with you.
Oh, and my father is out of town today. He did tell me ahead of time that he wouldn't be in the area so I sent him a text message wishing him a Happy and blessed Father's Day.
Father Day: To be continued...
No response.
Before I pass judgement, I'll wait a little longer. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
As soon as I get that explanation, I'll share it with you.
Oh, and my father is out of town today. He did tell me ahead of time that he wouldn't be in the area so I sent him a text message wishing him a Happy and blessed Father's Day.
Father Day: To be continued...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Plenty Of Fish?
Hey gang. I'm going to delve into a topic that I've only just lightly brushed in my blog entries and that's dating.
UGH.
I am sooo not sure about the whole enterprise.
For starts, I've been in "mommy mode" for 5 years now. All of those five years, I was fully focused on being a mom and being faithful to their father. As far as I was concerned, it was time for me to settle my happy self down and be a one man woman.
I'm no stranger to the scene though. I've dated a decent number of men over the years. Because I'm not all out on the social scene, I leaned towards online dating sites. Back in the day (we're talking between 2000-2004) I met and befriended many men, some of whom I'm still in contact with today. Just so you know, my ex fiancee and I met online.
It is possible to meet good people online. I know because I've done it.
But life is a lot different now than it was in 2004.
Facebook and twitter certainly weren't household names as they are today.
People are certainly a lot less "shy" about their passions and desires now.
With all this in mind, I often browse the "Bridal Bliss" column of Essence.com. I came across a couple who met on plentyoffish.com, a free online dating site. I'd never heard of this site so I was intrigued. I've heard of Match.com and even heard of a few success stories from eHarmony, neither of which I've tried.
I don't do clubs, I'm really not in the mood to get dressed up and walk through Whole Foods in 4 inch heels and I certainly can't be talked into going to the bar with anyone, so I figured online dating might be the best thing for me.
So I sign onto the new site and begin my search. I was surprised at the number of very handsome men on the site. I was also surprised and a bit disappointed to see some of the SAME faces from 2004. Really?! lol! I saw one guy's picture on there that I actually went on one date with at least 6 or 7 years ago. The date was HORRIBLE. First of all, we met way too late at night and although it was a public place, nothing outdoors is safe after dark. He struck me as not altogether there and a little creepy. But ever the polite southern belle, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and tough it out. I don't think we even went to dinner or anything. We just had a walk in the park. Oh, it was a horrible mess. I think my memory intentionally blocked out some of the details. After making it back to my car safely, I decided I'd never call him again...EVER. Apparently the feeling was mutual because he never called me back either.
I met another man (who eventually became an ex) via blackplanet years ago. We started off as friends who exchanged pictures and chatted via yahoo messenger constantly. He helped me pass the time at work and we shared an interest in gospel music and family.
We had our first meeting in 2002 but because he was a fulltime student at Clemson and lived all the way in Charleston, things never took off. We did manage to stay in touch but I certainly moved on and dated other people and so did he. When I broke up with my ex fiancee, this gentleman and I decided to at least attempt to start hanging out together. I never will forget our first meeting after 2 years apart. Since he had a 3.5 hour drive from Charleston, I figured I'd have enough time to swing by the nail salon and get my mani and pedi. *ahh, I remember those days before children. I could afford such luxuries. LOL!* Back to the story..
Unfortunately, when you're a walk in, you may find yourself in for a wait and I was. Before I knew it, he was calling me on my cellphone to tell me he was in town and needed me to guide him in to where I lived. I knew I'd be a few minutes more so I gave him the directions to the nail salon I was in. I could see through the windows when he pulled in but he couldn't see me. I loved that advantage. lol! I gave myself a once over in the mirror, paid my bill and stepped out into the sun. He saw me, smiled, took one step and TRIPPED! lol! I didn't even notice the trip because I was quite nervous myself. Later on he'd admit to me that at the sight of me, he became a bundle of nerves and almost hit the pavement. Aww... lol!
We dated briefly and even decided to give a relationship a try. For the short time that he was "my man", he was good to me. He wasn't perfect, but he tried to treat me right. Then, almost as quickly as it began, it ended. He called me one day to tell me that he couldn't be in a relationship with me. I took it quite hard. After all, he was a nice guy. He was intelligent, loved family, committed to God and his church, big and tall like I like em!
But for reasons I'm still not clear on, he was done.
Funny thing is, every now and then he'll send me a message on yahoo. A couple of years ago, he even requested my friendship on facebook
That was my last online dating experience and it was bittersweet.
So I'm staring at this plentyoffish.com website asking myself, "Am I really ready to let someone else into my life?" It's not about trying to find a husband or even trying to go out on a date. But the simple fact of letting someone besides my family and children into this space of mine seems a little well, ya know...scary.
I've learned some things from all of my dating experiences and one big take-away has been don't get too invested too quickly. I know it's important to talk to someone to get to know them but there's a way to go about it that won't leave you heartbroken if things don't pan out. I'll probably never do telephone marathons again. It's ok to talk by phone but for hours at a time? No ma'am! No sir!
I'm intrigued by the possibilities out there. I certainly believe there's someone for me and he could very well be very close by. Am I ready to meet him just yet? That's the question that's flooding my mind. I keep trying to remind myself that a relationship built on friendship is what I truly want and if that's the case, the person I meet will be someone to get to know, not to attempt to impress.
So as with everything else going on in my life, I'll keep you posted and let you know how things go.
Of course, I'm staying prayerful and allowing discernment to be utilized. The Holy Ghost don't lie! Can I get an amen? lol!
UGH.
I am sooo not sure about the whole enterprise.
For starts, I've been in "mommy mode" for 5 years now. All of those five years, I was fully focused on being a mom and being faithful to their father. As far as I was concerned, it was time for me to settle my happy self down and be a one man woman.
I'm no stranger to the scene though. I've dated a decent number of men over the years. Because I'm not all out on the social scene, I leaned towards online dating sites. Back in the day (we're talking between 2000-2004) I met and befriended many men, some of whom I'm still in contact with today. Just so you know, my ex fiancee and I met online.
It is possible to meet good people online. I know because I've done it.
But life is a lot different now than it was in 2004.
Facebook and twitter certainly weren't household names as they are today.
People are certainly a lot less "shy" about their passions and desires now.
With all this in mind, I often browse the "Bridal Bliss" column of Essence.com. I came across a couple who met on plentyoffish.com, a free online dating site. I'd never heard of this site so I was intrigued. I've heard of Match.com and even heard of a few success stories from eHarmony, neither of which I've tried.
I don't do clubs, I'm really not in the mood to get dressed up and walk through Whole Foods in 4 inch heels and I certainly can't be talked into going to the bar with anyone, so I figured online dating might be the best thing for me.
So I sign onto the new site and begin my search. I was surprised at the number of very handsome men on the site. I was also surprised and a bit disappointed to see some of the SAME faces from 2004. Really?! lol! I saw one guy's picture on there that I actually went on one date with at least 6 or 7 years ago. The date was HORRIBLE. First of all, we met way too late at night and although it was a public place, nothing outdoors is safe after dark. He struck me as not altogether there and a little creepy. But ever the polite southern belle, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and tough it out. I don't think we even went to dinner or anything. We just had a walk in the park. Oh, it was a horrible mess. I think my memory intentionally blocked out some of the details. After making it back to my car safely, I decided I'd never call him again...EVER. Apparently the feeling was mutual because he never called me back either.
I met another man (who eventually became an ex) via blackplanet years ago. We started off as friends who exchanged pictures and chatted via yahoo messenger constantly. He helped me pass the time at work and we shared an interest in gospel music and family.
We had our first meeting in 2002 but because he was a fulltime student at Clemson and lived all the way in Charleston, things never took off. We did manage to stay in touch but I certainly moved on and dated other people and so did he. When I broke up with my ex fiancee, this gentleman and I decided to at least attempt to start hanging out together. I never will forget our first meeting after 2 years apart. Since he had a 3.5 hour drive from Charleston, I figured I'd have enough time to swing by the nail salon and get my mani and pedi. *ahh, I remember those days before children. I could afford such luxuries. LOL!* Back to the story..
Unfortunately, when you're a walk in, you may find yourself in for a wait and I was. Before I knew it, he was calling me on my cellphone to tell me he was in town and needed me to guide him in to where I lived. I knew I'd be a few minutes more so I gave him the directions to the nail salon I was in. I could see through the windows when he pulled in but he couldn't see me. I loved that advantage. lol! I gave myself a once over in the mirror, paid my bill and stepped out into the sun. He saw me, smiled, took one step and TRIPPED! lol! I didn't even notice the trip because I was quite nervous myself. Later on he'd admit to me that at the sight of me, he became a bundle of nerves and almost hit the pavement. Aww... lol!
We dated briefly and even decided to give a relationship a try. For the short time that he was "my man", he was good to me. He wasn't perfect, but he tried to treat me right. Then, almost as quickly as it began, it ended. He called me one day to tell me that he couldn't be in a relationship with me. I took it quite hard. After all, he was a nice guy. He was intelligent, loved family, committed to God and his church, big and tall like I like em!
But for reasons I'm still not clear on, he was done.
Funny thing is, every now and then he'll send me a message on yahoo. A couple of years ago, he even requested my friendship on facebook
That was my last online dating experience and it was bittersweet.
So I'm staring at this plentyoffish.com website asking myself, "Am I really ready to let someone else into my life?" It's not about trying to find a husband or even trying to go out on a date. But the simple fact of letting someone besides my family and children into this space of mine seems a little well, ya know...scary.
I've learned some things from all of my dating experiences and one big take-away has been don't get too invested too quickly. I know it's important to talk to someone to get to know them but there's a way to go about it that won't leave you heartbroken if things don't pan out. I'll probably never do telephone marathons again. It's ok to talk by phone but for hours at a time? No ma'am! No sir!
I'm intrigued by the possibilities out there. I certainly believe there's someone for me and he could very well be very close by. Am I ready to meet him just yet? That's the question that's flooding my mind. I keep trying to remind myself that a relationship built on friendship is what I truly want and if that's the case, the person I meet will be someone to get to know, not to attempt to impress.
So as with everything else going on in my life, I'll keep you posted and let you know how things go.
Of course, I'm staying prayerful and allowing discernment to be utilized. The Holy Ghost don't lie! Can I get an amen? lol!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Who's Accountable Anyway?
I've been on twitter all week and the emotions surrounding Father's Day are all mixed. One the one hand, there are those who are desperately trying to champion the cause of the many good, honorable and faithful fathers out there. Then on the other, there is the clamor and murmur of the sea of folks who never knew such a father. Everyone has a story. Some stories are inspirational and motivational. Others will leave you heartbroken and in tears.
Sad truth in this country is that for every story of a good father, there's at least 10 or more not-so-good stories. There are men, well into their 50's and some in their 60's who still get tears in their eyes when they recount the pain of the childhood that included an absent, neglectful or abusive father. Everyone knows the young lady or even the grown woman who just seems obsessed with getting a man and doing literally whatever it takes to have him. We all know the young man who is full of fury and violence, who has absolutely no respect for authority and is raging at the world. We also know that young man doesn't know if his father is the mailman he passes on the street or the mechanic around the way.
Folks assume that single mothers hold the deed of ownership on understanding the impact of an absent, neglectful, disrespectful or indifferent father. There's no secret we bring a bevy of experiences to the table. We can tell you how he would bring diapers over once a month, as if a newborn only needed to be changed once a day. I personally could tell you how I chose to breastfeed so that I'd never have to worry about where the money for formula was coming from. I could tell you what toll breastfeeding took on my body and how I did it working 8 hours a day, five days a week and carrying a breast pump into a storage room every day. I could tell you how I had to swallow my pride time after time and ask my family for help because my children's father either refused to help or couldn't be found to ask for help. So many other single moms have stories even more heartbreaking than mine could ever be. Some know what it's like to have to fight for custody of their own children. Some moms know what it feels like to be told they aren't good moms but they are the only ones in the game, full time, with no breaks. I know single moms who have moved across the country all to provide a better life for their child. I know mothers who endure the stigma of being on welfare and receiving Medicaid just to insure their children are cared for.
There's also the stories of the generations of older women, our grandmothers and mothers whose husbands walked out on them and left 5 and sometimes even 12 children to be cared for. They took in laundry, scrubbed floors, and begged their neighbors all to feed their children.
So I get how we tend to lean on single moms for our perspective of fathers.
However, here's the thing that I want to highlight this year.
Not everyone was raised by a completely deadbeat, absent father.
I wasn't raised by one.
However, that doesn't mean that my life hasn't been directly and indirectly impacted by one.
For example, my grandfathers on both sides were alcoholic, abusive deadbeat fathers. The only reason I call them "deadbeat" is because for whatever "provision" they were able to come up with, they singlehandedly managed to nullify it with their abusive ways. Both my parents watched my grandmothers beaten, dragged around by their clothing and hair and slapped by my drunken and crazed grandfathers. My father's father abandoned his family more than once. He was a known rolling stone.
So what happens when THOSE men have children?
Take a look at your world and your own family.
And my message this Father's Day is ACCOUNTABILITY.
WHERE IS IT?
Funny how we will pay a monthly payment to sit in front of our tv's to get into complete strangers' business via reality tv shows but turn a blind eye and deaf ears to the reality among our own family and friends.
Here's the straight up, no chaser truth:
Every deadbeat dad has a family.
Every deadbeat dad has coworkers, best friends and church family.
Every deadbeat has cousins.
Every deadbeat either has or has had grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Most people know of at least one deadbeat in their family.
For every man who complains that he's a good dad and that women should "lighten up" and stop being so bitter sounding about Father's Day, I have this to say:
What are YOU doing to hold the men in your life who you KNOW aren't being good fathers accountable?
Not sure what I mean yet?
Let me give you a good example.
My childrens' father doesn't pay me child support but he does pay child support for his oldest daughter. One day, I'll blog about my decision to forgo child support, but for now, I'll stay on topic. Anyway, he is at LEAST $1600 in arrears to his first child's mom. I know because I'm the one who helped pay the child support order when we were in a relationship. Yep.. that's another blog entry too. lol!
But this man who doesn't have enough money to catch up his back child support gets invited to Myrtle Beach by his older brother for Bike Week, all expenses paid. After all, even a deadbeat needs a vacation, right? lol!
My point is this...
If you help a deadbeat ignore and neglect his responsibilities to his children, YOU are a part of the problem.
I'm talking to aunties, mamas, girlfriends, cousins, best friends, brothers, daddies. ALL Y'ALL!
If you are not holding these men accountable for neglecting their children and refusing to associate with them until they clean up their acts, YOU are contributing to the heartache that countless children have to bear well into their adulthood.
Here's the truth that I know...
When my grandfather left home and disappeared for months at a time, SOMEONE knew where he was. He didn't disappear from his sisters, brothers and mama. THEY all knew where he was. But his wife and children who were left hungry and alone had no idea where he was.
I wouldn't let a deadbeat sleep on my couch.
I wouldn't invite a deadbeat to come along on the family Carnival cruise.
I wouldn't allow a deadbeat to bring his wife or current girlfriend's children around the family but never see his children from outside of those relationships.
When Christmas came around, I wouldn't suddenly decide he only have one child instead of three.
You may be an outstanding father sir. You may be reading this now thinking, "This lady sure sounds angry and frustrated. I guess she hasn't met enough good men".
Truth is, I've met plenty of good men. Trouble is, those good men are SILENT to their not-so-good friends.
So my question is this, if you're such a good man, why is the company of men that you keep not so good?
And you're only as good as your circle of influence. If you haven't inspired at least ONE man in your circle to be a better man, chances are, you're simply enabling him to continue being slack and sorry.
And to you, kind sir, I say that you are a part of the problem.
You get no high fives and atta boys from me as long as you keep company with men who do not take care of their children, build their homes and respect their women.
You get NO PROPS for being the only man out of your circle of 10 or more frat or high school buddies who does right by his children.
To me, kind sir, you are a part of the problem.
I know there are those who believe that focusing on the negativity of Father's Day takes away from the honor due to good fathers. To them I say, absolutely not. The fact that so much racket is kicked up about fathers is because the position of fatherhood is SOOO IMPORTANT! If being a father wasn't honorable, God ordained, God blessed, crucial and vital, the impact of his absence in families wouldn't span generations and affect MILLIONS worldwide.
If fathers were nothing, no one would care.
But I care.
And I believe that the way to a solution for poor fatherhood and absent ones is ACCOUNTABILITY.
Everybody knows someone and is kin to someone who aint doing right.
How are you using your influence, great or small, to hold him to account?
Big Mama, when was the last time you asked him where his other children were and told him to bring them over to the house?
Auntie, you know he has more children than the ones he's living with. When was the last time you asked about them and invited them over to your house like you do everyone else?
Sister, you know your brother don't take care of his kids and you've even helped bail him out of jail a time or two. Sometimes, you even had to help raise and watch those same kids he's not taking care of. When was the last time you told him point blank, enough is enough?
Pastor, you know your deacons, musicians and members got children out of wedlock that you never see. When was the last time you asked about them? Pastor, why are you ordaining men to preach who don't pay child support, don't spend time with their children, and disrespect the mothers of their children?
Girlfriends, you know your man has other children and you also know that he barely talks about them and doesn't even go to see them. He's with you now and as long as you have all his time, attention and money, you're ok with that. But God forbid your relationship doesn't work out, how would YOU feel being that woman who can't get a hold of him and can't get him to help you take care of the children you made together?
Wife, I know he's your husband and you want to make sure you're #1 in his life, but that woman who has his children outside of your marriage could be your sister, niece, or cousin. Would it be ok for THEIR baby daddies to deny their children?
This Father's Day, let's celebrate in a meaningful and changing way.
Let's hold some men accountable...
For our childrens' sake.
Sad truth in this country is that for every story of a good father, there's at least 10 or more not-so-good stories. There are men, well into their 50's and some in their 60's who still get tears in their eyes when they recount the pain of the childhood that included an absent, neglectful or abusive father. Everyone knows the young lady or even the grown woman who just seems obsessed with getting a man and doing literally whatever it takes to have him. We all know the young man who is full of fury and violence, who has absolutely no respect for authority and is raging at the world. We also know that young man doesn't know if his father is the mailman he passes on the street or the mechanic around the way.
Folks assume that single mothers hold the deed of ownership on understanding the impact of an absent, neglectful, disrespectful or indifferent father. There's no secret we bring a bevy of experiences to the table. We can tell you how he would bring diapers over once a month, as if a newborn only needed to be changed once a day. I personally could tell you how I chose to breastfeed so that I'd never have to worry about where the money for formula was coming from. I could tell you what toll breastfeeding took on my body and how I did it working 8 hours a day, five days a week and carrying a breast pump into a storage room every day. I could tell you how I had to swallow my pride time after time and ask my family for help because my children's father either refused to help or couldn't be found to ask for help. So many other single moms have stories even more heartbreaking than mine could ever be. Some know what it's like to have to fight for custody of their own children. Some moms know what it feels like to be told they aren't good moms but they are the only ones in the game, full time, with no breaks. I know single moms who have moved across the country all to provide a better life for their child. I know mothers who endure the stigma of being on welfare and receiving Medicaid just to insure their children are cared for.
There's also the stories of the generations of older women, our grandmothers and mothers whose husbands walked out on them and left 5 and sometimes even 12 children to be cared for. They took in laundry, scrubbed floors, and begged their neighbors all to feed their children.
So I get how we tend to lean on single moms for our perspective of fathers.
However, here's the thing that I want to highlight this year.
Not everyone was raised by a completely deadbeat, absent father.
I wasn't raised by one.
However, that doesn't mean that my life hasn't been directly and indirectly impacted by one.
For example, my grandfathers on both sides were alcoholic, abusive deadbeat fathers. The only reason I call them "deadbeat" is because for whatever "provision" they were able to come up with, they singlehandedly managed to nullify it with their abusive ways. Both my parents watched my grandmothers beaten, dragged around by their clothing and hair and slapped by my drunken and crazed grandfathers. My father's father abandoned his family more than once. He was a known rolling stone.
So what happens when THOSE men have children?
Take a look at your world and your own family.
And my message this Father's Day is ACCOUNTABILITY.
WHERE IS IT?
Funny how we will pay a monthly payment to sit in front of our tv's to get into complete strangers' business via reality tv shows but turn a blind eye and deaf ears to the reality among our own family and friends.
Here's the straight up, no chaser truth:
Every deadbeat dad has a family.
Every deadbeat dad has coworkers, best friends and church family.
Every deadbeat has cousins.
Every deadbeat either has or has had grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Most people know of at least one deadbeat in their family.
For every man who complains that he's a good dad and that women should "lighten up" and stop being so bitter sounding about Father's Day, I have this to say:
What are YOU doing to hold the men in your life who you KNOW aren't being good fathers accountable?
Not sure what I mean yet?
Let me give you a good example.
My childrens' father doesn't pay me child support but he does pay child support for his oldest daughter. One day, I'll blog about my decision to forgo child support, but for now, I'll stay on topic. Anyway, he is at LEAST $1600 in arrears to his first child's mom. I know because I'm the one who helped pay the child support order when we were in a relationship. Yep.. that's another blog entry too. lol!
But this man who doesn't have enough money to catch up his back child support gets invited to Myrtle Beach by his older brother for Bike Week, all expenses paid. After all, even a deadbeat needs a vacation, right? lol!
My point is this...
If you help a deadbeat ignore and neglect his responsibilities to his children, YOU are a part of the problem.
I'm talking to aunties, mamas, girlfriends, cousins, best friends, brothers, daddies. ALL Y'ALL!
If you are not holding these men accountable for neglecting their children and refusing to associate with them until they clean up their acts, YOU are contributing to the heartache that countless children have to bear well into their adulthood.
Here's the truth that I know...
When my grandfather left home and disappeared for months at a time, SOMEONE knew where he was. He didn't disappear from his sisters, brothers and mama. THEY all knew where he was. But his wife and children who were left hungry and alone had no idea where he was.
I wouldn't let a deadbeat sleep on my couch.
I wouldn't invite a deadbeat to come along on the family Carnival cruise.
I wouldn't allow a deadbeat to bring his wife or current girlfriend's children around the family but never see his children from outside of those relationships.
When Christmas came around, I wouldn't suddenly decide he only have one child instead of three.
You may be an outstanding father sir. You may be reading this now thinking, "This lady sure sounds angry and frustrated. I guess she hasn't met enough good men".
Truth is, I've met plenty of good men. Trouble is, those good men are SILENT to their not-so-good friends.
So my question is this, if you're such a good man, why is the company of men that you keep not so good?
And you're only as good as your circle of influence. If you haven't inspired at least ONE man in your circle to be a better man, chances are, you're simply enabling him to continue being slack and sorry.
And to you, kind sir, I say that you are a part of the problem.
You get no high fives and atta boys from me as long as you keep company with men who do not take care of their children, build their homes and respect their women.
You get NO PROPS for being the only man out of your circle of 10 or more frat or high school buddies who does right by his children.
To me, kind sir, you are a part of the problem.
I know there are those who believe that focusing on the negativity of Father's Day takes away from the honor due to good fathers. To them I say, absolutely not. The fact that so much racket is kicked up about fathers is because the position of fatherhood is SOOO IMPORTANT! If being a father wasn't honorable, God ordained, God blessed, crucial and vital, the impact of his absence in families wouldn't span generations and affect MILLIONS worldwide.
If fathers were nothing, no one would care.
But I care.
And I believe that the way to a solution for poor fatherhood and absent ones is ACCOUNTABILITY.
Everybody knows someone and is kin to someone who aint doing right.
How are you using your influence, great or small, to hold him to account?
Big Mama, when was the last time you asked him where his other children were and told him to bring them over to the house?
Auntie, you know he has more children than the ones he's living with. When was the last time you asked about them and invited them over to your house like you do everyone else?
Sister, you know your brother don't take care of his kids and you've even helped bail him out of jail a time or two. Sometimes, you even had to help raise and watch those same kids he's not taking care of. When was the last time you told him point blank, enough is enough?
Pastor, you know your deacons, musicians and members got children out of wedlock that you never see. When was the last time you asked about them? Pastor, why are you ordaining men to preach who don't pay child support, don't spend time with their children, and disrespect the mothers of their children?
Girlfriends, you know your man has other children and you also know that he barely talks about them and doesn't even go to see them. He's with you now and as long as you have all his time, attention and money, you're ok with that. But God forbid your relationship doesn't work out, how would YOU feel being that woman who can't get a hold of him and can't get him to help you take care of the children you made together?
Wife, I know he's your husband and you want to make sure you're #1 in his life, but that woman who has his children outside of your marriage could be your sister, niece, or cousin. Would it be ok for THEIR baby daddies to deny their children?
This Father's Day, let's celebrate in a meaningful and changing way.
Let's hold some men accountable...
For our childrens' sake.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Short & Sweet Truth...
You cannot exact honor from the dishonorable.
You cannot exact respect from the disrespectful.
What you can do is move on and pray for them as you gaze at them occasionally in your rear view mirror.
I've learned this lesson this week and have had to apply it to some people in my life. Honor and respect come through revelation. The value of something or someone has to be REVEALED before it can be acknowledged. I don't care how many times you tell me a stick is valuable. To me, it's just a stick. But if I found out that "stick" was a walking staff for George Washington, then that stick suddenly takes on a different value.
Limit your time around those to whom your worth and value has not yet been revealed. If you do not, you will find yourself used, abused and brokenhearted.
You cannot exact respect from the disrespectful.
What you can do is move on and pray for them as you gaze at them occasionally in your rear view mirror.
I've learned this lesson this week and have had to apply it to some people in my life. Honor and respect come through revelation. The value of something or someone has to be REVEALED before it can be acknowledged. I don't care how many times you tell me a stick is valuable. To me, it's just a stick. But if I found out that "stick" was a walking staff for George Washington, then that stick suddenly takes on a different value.
Limit your time around those to whom your worth and value has not yet been revealed. If you do not, you will find yourself used, abused and brokenhearted.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Decisions, Decisions!
Let's face it. Nobody likes making major decisions and certainly no one enjoys making those types of decisions alone. Single moms know what it feels like to be faced with big stuff (which daycare to place your children in, will you permit this or that medical treatment, public or private school?) and it can all be scary.
Let's not even take it there to the kids just yet.
Let's talk woman to woman. Person to person.
Sometimes those are the easy decisions, even though they're big.
It's easy to decide what to do for your children. It's as if something takes over and gives us the super human ability to make a decision for the sake of our children, no matter how difficult it may be.
But what happens when it's time to make decisions for ourselves? Things go well past difficult.
Should I go back to school?
Can I really write a book?
Will I stay in this marriage? This engagement? This friendship?
Should I date this man or that one?
Should I cut my hair, color it or both?
Truth is, I've been in that rut of indecisiveness that causes my life to feel like it's stuck in a gear. The engine's revving as hard as it can but I'm not getting anywhere. Will I go back or forward? North or South? This way or that?
And because I can't decide, I end up not moving.
The only problem with that is not making a decision IS a decision.
When you cast the control of your life over to indecisiveness, the odds seldom if EVER are in your favor. The outcome almost NEVER reflects your wants, wishes or desires.
Indecisiveness is like the lottery. Millions play but few ever win.
The truth of the matter is that God gave an enormous amount of control and "dominion" over to humanity in Genesis. That dominion never disappeared. He still expects for us to fully participate in the world as agents of change as He does in heaven. It's not enough to sit and wait for something to happen, to let the "chips fall where they may". He's expecting us, men and women, single and married, to get up and RULE.
Rulers make decisions.
So, as much as it pains me and probably you at times to make decisions, that's a part of the job.
Humans have dominion in the earth. Dominion means we rule.
Rulers make decisions.
Decisions create goals.
Goals bring about changes.
It all starts with the ruler...
You.
And I know the fear is, "well what if I make the wrong decision?" God is just a prayer away. He left His will recorded in His Word. We pray and we read His Word for clues on how to rule and do so correctly. But from time to time, we make mistakes. We make bad calls. We take wrong turns and make bad decisions. That's what grace is for. Not only does grace give us favor with God and pardon from sin and access, it also grants us the power to CONTINUE PAST failure, defeat and bad choices. Just because I made a decision yesterday that didn't put me in a good place, because of God's GRACE, I can make a decision TODAY that will transport me out of that situation and back into His divine purpose for my life!
But it all begins with a DECISION.
Better life?
Peace of mind?
Poverty or wealth?
Sickness or health?
Abuse or love?
Unforgiveness or forgiveness?
Joy or sorrow?
The choice is yours.
Let's not even take it there to the kids just yet.
Let's talk woman to woman. Person to person.
Sometimes those are the easy decisions, even though they're big.
It's easy to decide what to do for your children. It's as if something takes over and gives us the super human ability to make a decision for the sake of our children, no matter how difficult it may be.
But what happens when it's time to make decisions for ourselves? Things go well past difficult.
Should I go back to school?
Can I really write a book?
Will I stay in this marriage? This engagement? This friendship?
Should I date this man or that one?
Should I cut my hair, color it or both?
Truth is, I've been in that rut of indecisiveness that causes my life to feel like it's stuck in a gear. The engine's revving as hard as it can but I'm not getting anywhere. Will I go back or forward? North or South? This way or that?
And because I can't decide, I end up not moving.
The only problem with that is not making a decision IS a decision.
When you cast the control of your life over to indecisiveness, the odds seldom if EVER are in your favor. The outcome almost NEVER reflects your wants, wishes or desires.
Indecisiveness is like the lottery. Millions play but few ever win.
The truth of the matter is that God gave an enormous amount of control and "dominion" over to humanity in Genesis. That dominion never disappeared. He still expects for us to fully participate in the world as agents of change as He does in heaven. It's not enough to sit and wait for something to happen, to let the "chips fall where they may". He's expecting us, men and women, single and married, to get up and RULE.
Rulers make decisions.
So, as much as it pains me and probably you at times to make decisions, that's a part of the job.
Humans have dominion in the earth. Dominion means we rule.
Rulers make decisions.
Decisions create goals.
Goals bring about changes.
It all starts with the ruler...
You.
And I know the fear is, "well what if I make the wrong decision?" God is just a prayer away. He left His will recorded in His Word. We pray and we read His Word for clues on how to rule and do so correctly. But from time to time, we make mistakes. We make bad calls. We take wrong turns and make bad decisions. That's what grace is for. Not only does grace give us favor with God and pardon from sin and access, it also grants us the power to CONTINUE PAST failure, defeat and bad choices. Just because I made a decision yesterday that didn't put me in a good place, because of God's GRACE, I can make a decision TODAY that will transport me out of that situation and back into His divine purpose for my life!
But it all begins with a DECISION.
Better life?
Peace of mind?
Poverty or wealth?
Sickness or health?
Abuse or love?
Unforgiveness or forgiveness?
Joy or sorrow?
The choice is yours.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Forgive
for·give (f
r-g
v
, fôr-)
r-gv, fôr-)v. for·gave (-g
v), for·giv·en (-gvn), for·giv·ing, for·gives
v), for·giv·en (-gvn), for·giv·ing, for·givesv.tr.
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).
Every Sunday I do my best to tune into The Potter's House and catch a Word from Bishop T.D. Jakes. It's no secret that I love the Word of God and equally obvious (or at least it should be by now) is my profound love and respect for the men and the women of God who preach and teach the Word of God with power and authority. There are few preachers that I know in this modern day that can expound on the word and paint such a vivid mental picture for the listener as Bishop Jakes. Not only is his preaching profound, but his testimony of how God raised him up from relative obscurity in the hills of West Virginia are equally as profound. I remember the message that set the nation on fire called, "Show Me Your Wounds" that he preached back in the early 1990's. This was years before The Potter's House and he was barely a household name then. Now, he's known all around the world.
So what would a man so powerful and so blessed and highly favored by God have to teach about today?
FORGIVENESS and OFFENSE.
Wow.
It's almost as if those are the twin companions of many single mothers. Who hasn't been offended more than once? Who knows what it's like to hear he spent the money you needed to feed and clothe the children on a new outfit or some "me time"? Who hasn't screamed into a pillow after the 100th promise made was broken? What single mother hasn't had her intelligence insulted, her motives questioned, and her parenting scrutinized by a parent who barely even qualified as a parent himself?
We've all been there and some of us have been there longer and had way more unpleasant stays than others.
We've all been there and some of us have been there longer and had way more unpleasant stays than others.
So why is this forgiveness thing always laid at a woman's feet?
Why does it seem as if we are the ones always left with the burden of forgiving the person who wronged us?
Well, the short and simple answer is that person who's the most offended has the most forgiving to do. lol!
I really can't make it any more plain than that.
I know for a fact that had I retained every offense and wrong ever committed to me by the father of my children, I would be far more bitter and he'd certainly have no meaningful involvement with his children whatsoever.
I know for a fact that it's because of my capacity to forgive that he's in their lives today.
He's not a father to them because he's working so hard at being a good one.
No ma'am. No sir.
Not by a country mile.
He's the father he is to them because I chose to forgive him.
And that's what Bishop Jakes said today that is sinking in with me:
"Forgiveness is a DECISION".
If you're waiting on a feeling, you'll die waiting.
Forgiveness is a decision. Just like a finance company CHOOSES to forgive a debt, we too choose to forgive the debt of those who trespass against us.
Little did I know that barely an hour after I heard this message I'd be tested. I was feeling lazy today so I hadn't gotten up and dressed and all that cute stuff that women do to look presentable when all of a sudden, my door bell rings. It's the father of my children standing on my doorstep with his 14 year old daughter in tow. His daughter is up from Atlanta spending a week with him.
I wanted to knock him out and roll him down my driveway.
FIRST OF ALL...
His daughter is as sweet as can be but she's also a young lady who reports EVERYTHING she sees and hears to her mother. So she gets to see a sweaty, shabbily dressed baby mama #2 and take that back to Atlanta as headline news. Second, when I asked my children's father WHY IN THE SAM HAM he didn't bother to call, he brushed it aside as if it wasn't a big deal and that I shouldn't be upset.
There was no apology.
No acknowledgement of my embarrassment.
Just a "It don't matter. It's no big deal. Whateva".
Woo saaaah...
So what did I do?
After he left, I declared out loud that I forgave him for being an inconsiderate idiot.
It doesn't matter that I don't feel sincere in my forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling.
It's a DECISION.
Once you DECIDE to forgive, you then have the ability to forgive. You can't forgive without making a decision to do so first.
Now does that mean he'll get to come back to my house unannounced?
Absolutely not. And there's nothing wrong with me informing him that I don't care how far he drives, the next time he pops up unannounced, he won't get in.
That's well within my right to do.
But I CHOOSE not to hold today's transgression against him, just like I chose not to hold his past transgressions against him.
And let me just say this..
I've been through a LOT with this man. There's not enough bandwidth and time to tell you everything this one created being has put me through... and what I allowed him to get away with for YEARS. But I will say the reason why I'm able to smile, not walking around with three ulcers and perfectly willing to give love another chance when the right man comes along is because I REFUSED to hold onto every little wrong he did to me.
I let it go.
I don't regret letting it go either.
It would be a tragedy if I walked around bitter and angry while he was walking around without a care in the world, not even aware of or particularly caring that he'd made me so upset. It's so much better to be free to be happy, free to love and free to MOVE ON.
Forgiveness isn't a fun subject. It hurts to forgive a debt. You want to be paid back.
But ask yourself something: could they ever really make it right?
Really?
Let it go.
Be free.
Forgive.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Will You Marry Me?
I have so much to talk about! Where do I begin? It's my fault for taking three days to update. I'm really trying to do better at blogging. Hang in there with me everyone! It's my goal to eventually have daily updates.
So many things are happening in our world today. I'm a very opinionated woman but the older I get, the more I realize the worth of my opinion. It's one thing to have an opinion and it's another thing to share it. The last thing I want to be is a gossip or mean spirited. So although there's PLENTY to chew the fat about, I often find myself silent.
Thinking before you speak is a discipline that should improve with age. I know there are some older folks who feel as if age grants them license to speak their whole mind but I don't agree with that. I think age should give a person even greater pause. Words have power. They are spirit. They have the power to transform. So it's imperative that we take and choose our words carefully.
Since it's wedding season, I want to take a moment to talk about weddings and engagements from a single mom's perspective. Although I'm unmarried and have never been married, that doesn't mean that I haven't come close to walking down the aisle with a couple of men. The first serious relationship where we were actually engaged took place when I was 19 years old. That relationship lasted for eight years. The primary reason that relationship didn't work out was because I grew up and he was 15 years my senior. So, one day when you feel like discussing the topic of, "Should I Date An Older Man?", I got you! Been there and done it.
Thankfully, that relationship was built on a foundation of friendship which made it extremely difficult to say good-bye. It's one thing to walk away from a romance and another to walk away from a confidante.
That hurt.
Every now and then we still reach out to each other, seven years after our break up. I care deeply for his family and as I mentioned to him the last time we spoke by phone, "You're more like an ex husband than an ex boyfriend or fiancee". We lived together. Shared bills. Shared tears. Had a pregnancy scare...or two. He was there in sickness and health. We laughed and joked together. I prepared his meals, he washed my clothes.We celebrated holidays and birthdays together. We were everything but happy together.
And that's why I decided to call it quits.
Fast forward to my last relationship, which was my children's father. This relationship could not be compared to the one before it, primarily because it did not begin as a friendship. Our physical involvement began way earlier than the previous relationship and this time, I got pregnant...
Twice.
I'm not a bitter baby mama who can't admit that she ever loved the father of her children. I did and I still do, although differently than before. He represented freedom and liberation to me. For the first time I felt like a woman, a real, big, voluptuous, curvaceous, hot as fire woman. He affirmed it each time he desired me. I ate it up like icecream and cake. But that's the bad part of having a junk food relationship. It tastes good while you're eating it but it won't nourish you or help you grow.
When my soul needed more, he couldn't give it. When I needed a confidante, he couldn't be trusted. When I did give him my secrets, they were hurled back at me like daggers in arguments he knew he was losing. I came to realize that although my body was satisfied, my soul had to retreat and protect herself from this man. He never once asked or cared about my talents, hobbies or interests. Sometimes, he didn't even care if I was physically satisfied or not. Before too long, I began to realize that this relationship was one sided and it wasn't on my side. I loved our children and felt like I owed it to them to try. I tried hard. We lived together, we fought, we cried, we apologized, we moved back in together, we fought some more, and it never got better. Honor was missing. As much as he claimed to love me, I never felt honored. We never went anywhere together. We'd both get off work on Fridays and while I'd be completely caught up in the children, he'd be dressed in his fly gear, getting ready to go "hang out" most of the night. When I say most of the night, please understand this wasn't 2-4 hours. If he left at 5pm, I wouldn't see him again til 4 a.m., and that was his idea of coming home early. However, when I asked him could he and I go out, his answer was, "We don't have the money to go out". I wasn't fancy. I was willing to sit in the dining room of Wendy's if it meant a chance to dress up a little and go out with my man. That didn't happen.
Where was the honor?
No compliments. When I asked him why he'd never compliment me, he told me, "I shouldn't have to tell you that you look good. You should already know". Really? Is that how it works? lol!
Marriage was always a goal of mine. I don't get into relationships to be casual. Once I hit 30, I was serious about settling my happy behind down with somebody. I've done the dating multiple guys thing. I'd had my fill. I was ready to settle in and be a family and my hope was that with enough time and if my presentation was on point enough, he'd buy in to my dream.
So I cooked, cleaned, ironed his work uniforms, I was his personal alarm clock every morning, gave him gas and lunch money when he asked for it (which was often), gave it up when he asked for it and unlocked the door for him like a good little "wifey" when he came strolling home smelling like liquor and beer at 4 a.m.
But I had a man! That's all that mattered, right?
Nothing's perfect. All relationships take work. There's going to be problems anywhere you go and with any man you meet. These are the things I told myself, week after week, and night after night as I sat up waiting for him to come home, hoping he was simply "hangin with the guys" as he told me.I told myself that if I'd just hang in there with him and be a good little wifey, my patience and long suffering would one day pay off and be rewarded with a wedding ring.
Whenever I brought up the subject of marriage, his agitation could barely be concealed. He gave terse answers and sharply said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore". Marriage was my goal, but was it his? I wanted it to be his. I wanted him to want me and to love me. I wanted him to honor me as the mother of his children. I was the only one in our house who had a different last name.
Can't we all just have the same last name?
Please?
The last and final time we broke up (Aug 2010) was far less dramatic and traumatic than previous breakup's had been but I've learned so much since then. We toyed with the possibility of reconciling. I even prayed and fasted that we'd see a turn around in our relationship.
But at the end of the day, I still believe that God sets before us doors and allows us to choose which ones we'll walk through.
There's some things that God won't interfere with and one of those things is the character and integrity a man or a woman chooses to cultivate and live by. God can use anybody but your character & integrity determines exactly what and how much He can use you to do.
After thinking about that long and hard, I realized that as much as I wanted a husband, a family, and matching last names, I didn't want it at any cost. The memory of waiting up all night was emblazoned in my mind. What do you do when the man you're with just wants to crash at your house but doesn't want to live there? He wants to sleep til 12 noon, get up, and be gone all day and return at 11 pm or later? How is that a happy home?
Why do I want someone who doesn't want me?
Why do I want someone who would even hesitate at the offer to spend the rest of his life with me?
I used to believe in women giving men ultimatums but I've since changed my opinion.
I believe that every woman who reaches the point where she feels the need to give an ultimatum to a man needs to turn around and give one to HERSELF. How long are YOU going to let this continue? How long will YOUR silence be consent? How long until you say enough is enough? How long until you accept that you deserve to be honored and demand to be treated with respect? How long until you reward disrespect and dishonor with your absence?
No man will ever have to worry about me asking him when are we going to get married.
If I have to ask...
I can't say that I'm ready to date again or if I even want to. I'm very much interested in cultivating a solid friendship with someone new. My soul longs for that type of connection. That's the thing that people don't tell you while they're out there running around being hot in the tail.
But I'll tell you and I'll be honest about it.
I don't care how good the sex is and how loud he can make you scream...
It sucks not having someone to pillow talk with.
It sucks not having someone to bounce ideas off of.
It sucks not having someone who will celebrate your successes and comfort you through your failures.
It sucks feeling all alone while sitting next to your man.
It sucks not knowing where you stand with him...ever.
It sucks having to ask for compliments and the empty feeling that comes when he offers it half heartedly ONLY because you asked.
It sucks not being able to trust him with your secrets because when he gets mad, he throws it back at you.
It sucks knowing that someone else probably has your man's heart.
It sucks to daily lay your pride and dignity down as payment for a man's company.
That's what they DON'T tell you when they're running around acting like characters in Sex In the City.
They don't show you what REALLY happens... or how it all can really make you feel.
After going through all of that, I value friendship so much more than anything else. Even if a marriage never transpires, who couldn't use a friend for life? Who's life wouldn't be improved by the presence of a faithful friend, there through thick and thin, hospital visits, and bouts with the flu.
It's better to make a friend before you become romantically involved with a man than to try to find the friend in that man that may not even be there once you do become intimate.
So we'll see! I've got two little children who are my responsibility to raise properly. As I've stated before, we are already a family. We're not looking to become a family with the help of any man. He'd simply JOIN our family, already in progress. :)
It's possible that my future love interest will have a child or children of his own. In today's society, that's to be expected and highly likely in my age bracket. Either way we go, whether he's learning to love and accept only my children or we're learning to love and accept each others', it will take work.
Work doesn't scare me.
Unwilling workers scare me.
Work doesn't scare me.
Unwilling workers scare me.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Preschool's Out For The Summer!
Hey gang! Sorry it's been a few days since I last blogged but life is a tad bit busier around my house now. The babies are home with me for the summer and boy is it DIFFERENT! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my little ones, but preschool did give me 8 hours of free time. Now, that's about 1.5 hrs, if everyone gets a nap.
I've been doing some thinking also. If you follow me on twitter then you've seen my ode to my dream mom cave. I live in a modest sized home of 3 bedrooms & two bathrooms. Mom and I each have our own rooms while the children share a bedroom. There's no den or basement so that leaves a large "family room" that no one sits in. The reason no one uses this 18'X20 (it may actually be even bigger than that... don't have the measurements in front of me) is because I've desired a formal living room for YEARS.
Back in 2004 when I purchased my current living room furniture, I was single and SOLO; no kids, no man and no problem keeping my ornate investment in tact. And then came Matthew in 2006... and 19 months later, his sister, Caitlyn.
When I was seven months pregnant with Cait, I purchased the home we're living in now and to be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of thought put into the design element of our new space. The first three years felt like we were still apartment dwellers. It wasn't until last year that I decided I wanted to take a stab at making my this space my own.
The first room I tackled was the living room/family room. After all, it was already fully furnished. All it really needed was some well placed throw pillows and curtains, right? RIGHT?
Wrong.
I'm ready to admit defeat now.
I think it was the Nate Berkus show that helped but there was a dad on the show who was part of a large blended family. As large as the family was, their space was premium but this didn't deter him from reserving for himself a "man cave". Ouch. lol!
As much as I would LOVE to have a "mom cave" I realize that's next to impossible to achieve with small children. I also realize that although we're no longer crammed into an apartment, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be making full use of the space we do have.
An ornate, untouchable living room may be Southern, but it just ain't working for me.
So here's what I'm thinking...
As large as the current living/family room is, there may be a way to create zones so that the children and adults both have a stake in the space. With modular furniture pieces and ample storage options, concealing pint sized clutter and cleaning up afterwards would be a snap. Having a common place to gather is essential for the harmony of the home. Right now, everyone floats to the place where they're most comfy.
My children absolutely LOVE my bedroom. lol! I don't know why this is, but I tend to think it has more to do with me being in it than the space itself. But I desire for my bedroom to be my MOM CAVE. I feel this is a reasonable notion seeing as to how all of my clothes are in here and so is the house's second bathroom. lol! Essentially, if I can create a family room that is family friendly for ALL (less formal and uptight... *sigh*) PLUS come up with a co-ed bedroom design that is fun, funky and vibrant for the babies, they'll be way too engaged in the other two spaces to bother mine!
That's the dream, anyway.
Since I'm not yet made of money (but working on it) this will require brainstorming, creativity and patience. Rome wasn't built in a day. The perfect design that shouts "That's Melissa!" but is approachable and comfy won't happen in a day.
My #1 requirement of all furniture that enters my home is that it MUST be comfortable. I don't believe in pieces of furniture that are strictly chosen for their design but offer absolutely no comfort. I chose my current sofa and matching chaise (now I know that matchy matchy is out of style so don't judge me... lol!) because besides being STUNNING on the showroom floor, it was 100% comfortable. The pillows were oversized, the seating was firm, and I was in love. Still am. I love my sofa immensely and I think it's held up well over 7 years, despite two highly energized children. I'm leaning toward an L shaped sofa plan or possibly a slightly smaller sofa with the addition of more chairs, replacing the sole chaise. Not sure.
I'll post pictures once I get into full swing and trust me, this design will be done on a DIME. Only discounted, re-purposed and craigslist items for me. I absolutely LOVE craigslist. If you haven't at least browsed craigslist you have no idea the deals you're missing. So far, I've purchased three items of furniture from craigslist and a child's bike. It's GREAT! Of course, use caution. Never go to pick up items alone and whenever possible, always meet in a public place with plenty of witnesses nearby. Better safe than sorry.
I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm not one of those overly organized moms who writes out schedules for her children to follow. Can't you tell? lol! I'm a go-with-the-flow kinda mom, very laid back. I'm firm when I need to be but I prefer to let things happen as they will. We may do some traveling soon and that should be fun. We were able to travel last year and I was so thankful to be able to take them places none of us had ever been. Looking forward to the same this year. It's ridiculously hot outside so we're not out there much, but here and there, we enjoy some water play. Most of all, we're spending a lot of quality time with each other.
Looking forward to an exciting summer.
I'll keep you posted on my design ideas.
I've been doing some thinking also. If you follow me on twitter then you've seen my ode to my dream mom cave. I live in a modest sized home of 3 bedrooms & two bathrooms. Mom and I each have our own rooms while the children share a bedroom. There's no den or basement so that leaves a large "family room" that no one sits in. The reason no one uses this 18'X20 (it may actually be even bigger than that... don't have the measurements in front of me) is because I've desired a formal living room for YEARS.
Back in 2004 when I purchased my current living room furniture, I was single and SOLO; no kids, no man and no problem keeping my ornate investment in tact. And then came Matthew in 2006... and 19 months later, his sister, Caitlyn.
When I was seven months pregnant with Cait, I purchased the home we're living in now and to be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of thought put into the design element of our new space. The first three years felt like we were still apartment dwellers. It wasn't until last year that I decided I wanted to take a stab at making my this space my own.
The first room I tackled was the living room/family room. After all, it was already fully furnished. All it really needed was some well placed throw pillows and curtains, right? RIGHT?
Wrong.
I'm ready to admit defeat now.
I think it was the Nate Berkus show that helped but there was a dad on the show who was part of a large blended family. As large as the family was, their space was premium but this didn't deter him from reserving for himself a "man cave". Ouch. lol!
As much as I would LOVE to have a "mom cave" I realize that's next to impossible to achieve with small children. I also realize that although we're no longer crammed into an apartment, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be making full use of the space we do have.
An ornate, untouchable living room may be Southern, but it just ain't working for me.
So here's what I'm thinking...
As large as the current living/family room is, there may be a way to create zones so that the children and adults both have a stake in the space. With modular furniture pieces and ample storage options, concealing pint sized clutter and cleaning up afterwards would be a snap. Having a common place to gather is essential for the harmony of the home. Right now, everyone floats to the place where they're most comfy.
My children absolutely LOVE my bedroom. lol! I don't know why this is, but I tend to think it has more to do with me being in it than the space itself. But I desire for my bedroom to be my MOM CAVE. I feel this is a reasonable notion seeing as to how all of my clothes are in here and so is the house's second bathroom. lol! Essentially, if I can create a family room that is family friendly for ALL (less formal and uptight... *sigh*) PLUS come up with a co-ed bedroom design that is fun, funky and vibrant for the babies, they'll be way too engaged in the other two spaces to bother mine!
That's the dream, anyway.
Since I'm not yet made of money (but working on it) this will require brainstorming, creativity and patience. Rome wasn't built in a day. The perfect design that shouts "That's Melissa!" but is approachable and comfy won't happen in a day.
My #1 requirement of all furniture that enters my home is that it MUST be comfortable. I don't believe in pieces of furniture that are strictly chosen for their design but offer absolutely no comfort. I chose my current sofa and matching chaise (now I know that matchy matchy is out of style so don't judge me... lol!) because besides being STUNNING on the showroom floor, it was 100% comfortable. The pillows were oversized, the seating was firm, and I was in love. Still am. I love my sofa immensely and I think it's held up well over 7 years, despite two highly energized children. I'm leaning toward an L shaped sofa plan or possibly a slightly smaller sofa with the addition of more chairs, replacing the sole chaise. Not sure.
I'll post pictures once I get into full swing and trust me, this design will be done on a DIME. Only discounted, re-purposed and craigslist items for me. I absolutely LOVE craigslist. If you haven't at least browsed craigslist you have no idea the deals you're missing. So far, I've purchased three items of furniture from craigslist and a child's bike. It's GREAT! Of course, use caution. Never go to pick up items alone and whenever possible, always meet in a public place with plenty of witnesses nearby. Better safe than sorry.
I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm not one of those overly organized moms who writes out schedules for her children to follow. Can't you tell? lol! I'm a go-with-the-flow kinda mom, very laid back. I'm firm when I need to be but I prefer to let things happen as they will. We may do some traveling soon and that should be fun. We were able to travel last year and I was so thankful to be able to take them places none of us had ever been. Looking forward to the same this year. It's ridiculously hot outside so we're not out there much, but here and there, we enjoy some water play. Most of all, we're spending a lot of quality time with each other.
Looking forward to an exciting summer.
I'll keep you posted on my design ideas.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
What's My Name?
"The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That's why you picked him. That's why you stayed"
My blog today will be framed around this rather profound thought that the Holy Spirit gave me earlier today. I think it does us no good to merely break up from a relationship and walk away. We owe it to our own edification to dissect that relationship and discover its strengths, weaknesses, good, bad and ugly points. It's not enough to just go through something. I want to GROW from it. One thing is true. Changing partners doesn't necessarily guarantee a better life and different outcome. After all, the common denominator in every relationship will always be YOU. Unless you bring something new to the table, some of the same problems will follow you from one relationship to the next.
As I pondered past and recent break up's, the Holy Spirit dropped a revelation in my heart. I began to realize that the men we allow ourselves to become joined to give us a name. When I talk about "name", I'm not just referring to our surnames or even our first names. This "name" I'm referring to here has to do with our nature and character. Most people make assumptions about others based on their behavior, demeanor and appearance. When we enter a relationship, the man we are with does this. Some name us, "sweet, supportive, loyal, sexy" etc. Then there are others who name us "stupid, spoiled, stuck up, worthless, trashy, etc".
The problem is this...
Most women have been taking issue with the wrong thing.
It's not just about what a man calls you.
The problem comes in when you agree with what he says your name is.
And that's what we do when we stay in relationships that have called us by the wrong name. The bible says, "How can two walk together except they agree?" Amos 3:3 So by continuing to "walk with" men who have chosen to call us outside of our name and speak words over us that are harmful and full of poison, we essentially set ourselves in AGREEMENT with what they say.
That leads me to what the Holy Spirit revealed to me this morning...
"The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That's why you picked him. That's why you stayed"
If we're honest, there was a period of time we agreed with the abusive proclamations made over us by the men we invited into our lives. Those snide remarks about our weight? Deep down, we agreed with him. Those insults about our intelligence and lack of education? Ditto.
It wasn't until we DISAGREED with them that we were able to walk away from them.
It is important to listen carefully to the voices that are speaking in our lives. Words are spirits. They carry life and death. They contain blessings and curses. I do not allow people who are careless with their words access into my life.
One of the most dangerous times for a woman to deal with severe verbal abuse is during a breakup.
One day, I may devote a blog entry to breaking up the right way. I'm no expert in domestic violence but I do know a thing or two about verbal abuse. A man is at his most ferocious when you make up in your mind to have nothing else to do with him.
There's a right and a wrong way to leave. Stay tuned for that blog.
But one thing that I noticed from my own personal experience was that my ex who'd been a man of few words for the entirety of our relationship suddenly became fluent in insults when I made it clear I was done. I don't even care to repeat the words that were spoken over me. Every insult regarding my physical appearance, sexual performance and mental competency was thrown at me like a mad man wielding an AK-47.
That experience taught me something. It taught me the power of words and also caused me to realize that a man who had no control over his tongue need not be a part of my life in any capacity.
I speak LIFE and so will everyone around me.
When I think about my ex's, I realize that then, I was in total agreement with their opinions of me. It was proven by my actions and my willingness to keep them in my life, despite the fact that their words and actions were harmful. They were merely confirming and reflecting my own opinion of myself and personal belief system.
I know there are those who say you shouldn't judge people based on the company they keep but in my book, if you keep company with people of low moral and ethical standards, you are setting yourself in agreement with them. If I do not agree with the way someone thinks, lives, and behaves, we cannot walk together. If I'm in agreement with some one's thoughts, opinions and beliefs about me, I won't leave them.
That's one reason so many women find it hard to end abusive and dead end relationships.
Everything he says, she believes, good or bad.
Change starts not with what is spoken, but by what is believed.
Now trust me, there are plenty of people (male and female) who will work hard at convincing you to change what you believe about yourself and other things in life. That is to be expected. But it is YOUR job to refute it and put it in its place.
Don't allow anyone to call you outside of your name. Don't allow anyone to place a label on you that doesn't belong there.
Refute it. Challenge it. Demand that it be stopped.
If they refuse, that is clearly someone that doesn't belong in your life.
You must know the truth about YOU. It will be challenged.
Somebody will call you ugly. I don't care how pretty you are.
Somebody will have a bad day and decide to spew negativity on you.
Shut it DOWN.
Do NOT allow yourself to be called by any other name than what you are.
Any man who deserves you knows what your name is and will always call you by the right name.
My blog today will be framed around this rather profound thought that the Holy Spirit gave me earlier today. I think it does us no good to merely break up from a relationship and walk away. We owe it to our own edification to dissect that relationship and discover its strengths, weaknesses, good, bad and ugly points. It's not enough to just go through something. I want to GROW from it. One thing is true. Changing partners doesn't necessarily guarantee a better life and different outcome. After all, the common denominator in every relationship will always be YOU. Unless you bring something new to the table, some of the same problems will follow you from one relationship to the next.
As I pondered past and recent break up's, the Holy Spirit dropped a revelation in my heart. I began to realize that the men we allow ourselves to become joined to give us a name. When I talk about "name", I'm not just referring to our surnames or even our first names. This "name" I'm referring to here has to do with our nature and character. Most people make assumptions about others based on their behavior, demeanor and appearance. When we enter a relationship, the man we are with does this. Some name us, "sweet, supportive, loyal, sexy" etc. Then there are others who name us "stupid, spoiled, stuck up, worthless, trashy, etc".
The problem is this...
Most women have been taking issue with the wrong thing.
It's not just about what a man calls you.
The problem comes in when you agree with what he says your name is.
And that's what we do when we stay in relationships that have called us by the wrong name. The bible says, "How can two walk together except they agree?" Amos 3:3 So by continuing to "walk with" men who have chosen to call us outside of our name and speak words over us that are harmful and full of poison, we essentially set ourselves in AGREEMENT with what they say.
That leads me to what the Holy Spirit revealed to me this morning...
"The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That's why you picked him. That's why you stayed"
If we're honest, there was a period of time we agreed with the abusive proclamations made over us by the men we invited into our lives. Those snide remarks about our weight? Deep down, we agreed with him. Those insults about our intelligence and lack of education? Ditto.
It wasn't until we DISAGREED with them that we were able to walk away from them.
It is important to listen carefully to the voices that are speaking in our lives. Words are spirits. They carry life and death. They contain blessings and curses. I do not allow people who are careless with their words access into my life.
One of the most dangerous times for a woman to deal with severe verbal abuse is during a breakup.
One day, I may devote a blog entry to breaking up the right way. I'm no expert in domestic violence but I do know a thing or two about verbal abuse. A man is at his most ferocious when you make up in your mind to have nothing else to do with him.
There's a right and a wrong way to leave. Stay tuned for that blog.
But one thing that I noticed from my own personal experience was that my ex who'd been a man of few words for the entirety of our relationship suddenly became fluent in insults when I made it clear I was done. I don't even care to repeat the words that were spoken over me. Every insult regarding my physical appearance, sexual performance and mental competency was thrown at me like a mad man wielding an AK-47.
That experience taught me something. It taught me the power of words and also caused me to realize that a man who had no control over his tongue need not be a part of my life in any capacity.
I speak LIFE and so will everyone around me.
When I think about my ex's, I realize that then, I was in total agreement with their opinions of me. It was proven by my actions and my willingness to keep them in my life, despite the fact that their words and actions were harmful. They were merely confirming and reflecting my own opinion of myself and personal belief system.
I know there are those who say you shouldn't judge people based on the company they keep but in my book, if you keep company with people of low moral and ethical standards, you are setting yourself in agreement with them. If I do not agree with the way someone thinks, lives, and behaves, we cannot walk together. If I'm in agreement with some one's thoughts, opinions and beliefs about me, I won't leave them.
That's one reason so many women find it hard to end abusive and dead end relationships.
Everything he says, she believes, good or bad.
Change starts not with what is spoken, but by what is believed.
Now trust me, there are plenty of people (male and female) who will work hard at convincing you to change what you believe about yourself and other things in life. That is to be expected. But it is YOUR job to refute it and put it in its place.
Don't allow anyone to call you outside of your name. Don't allow anyone to place a label on you that doesn't belong there.
Refute it. Challenge it. Demand that it be stopped.
If they refuse, that is clearly someone that doesn't belong in your life.
You must know the truth about YOU. It will be challenged.
Somebody will call you ugly. I don't care how pretty you are.
Somebody will have a bad day and decide to spew negativity on you.
Shut it DOWN.
Do NOT allow yourself to be called by any other name than what you are.
Any man who deserves you knows what your name is and will always call you by the right name.
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