Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Joy To The World!

What a wonderful time of year this is! It's Christmas time! This is the first Christmas that my children have been old enough to really enjoy the festivities of the holiday and this is the first year in a long time that I have too.
It's not that I went all out and spent a ton of money on them. Truth be told, I only spent $30. But I can't tell you how much joy was resident in my home before I spent the $30. It wasn't the number of gifts nor their cost; it was the fact that I could give my children a mommy filled with joy and peace. This is a mommy my children have never known.
I've always loved them but I haven't always had joy in doing so. I carried a lot of burdens for a very long time: unforgiveness, anger, pain, depression. I didn't have much hope. Sure, I had some hope because of them. But apart from them, I had very little hope for my own life. I was at a point in my life where I really didn't know why I was still here on this earth, apart from raising them.

And then He brought joy.

One of my favorite Christmas songs has always been "Oh Holy Night". This time, I really listened to the words and I must say, they've never rang so true within me: "Truly He taught us to love one another. His law is love and His gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother and in His Name all oppression shall cease". Talk about words coming ALIVE! I know what it feels like to be bound, oppressed and hopeless. I was a weary world rejoicing when Hope returned to my life!

It's a new day!

Thankfully this year, the childrens' father was able to give them a good Christmas materially. I am deeply appreciative because I know he gave out of love for them. I've never doubted his love for our children and that in itself is a blessing. I may wonder about his thoughts toward me but never his children. He loves them dearly and when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, he's always been there for them in one form or another. But even if he hadn't done a thing for them this year, we are RICH in blessings already! There's peace and joy in my home. Laughter fills each room. I smile more than I cry and if tears do come, there are more tears of joy than sadness.

He will be their light.

There's no greater gift that any parent can give their children than a parent that is full of the peace and joy of the Lord. That's important to remember as we stress ourselves over toys, wish lists and gift wrap. This year, my children have a mommy that's 100% present for them and not bound and distracted by pain, depression, burdens and unforgiveness.
May your joy be full and complete this year because of the gift of God in the person of Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Prayer Point: Lord, I ask that you would remember every heart burdened by the despair and depression that often attaches itself to this holiday season. May the Light of Your presence shine brightly all around us, chasing away the darkness of our oppression and burdens. May the radiance of Your glory penetrate every recess of our being. May the joy that announced Your coming over 2000 years ago be felt in our hearts this year. May we feel your love, joy and peace in a real and tangible way. Thank You for the gift of love. Thank you for so loving us that You gave Your only begotten Son so that today, we could look up and be filled with hope. May we look to You as the green leaves of the field towards the sun that we might live. May our joy be full in You!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

This CAN'T Be God! (Or Is It?)

In my 32 years on this earth, I've come to an amazing realization just this year. It took me 32 years to realize that maybe the standard by which I determined whether or not persons, places, things and circumstances were or were not of God may be just a tad bit flawed.

I came up in the traditional school of thought that divided life into two main categories: if you lived right, your life was good, if you didn't live right, your life was a mess.
That sounds really good rolling off the tongue until you're the one faced with circumstances that you don't understand. Then that leaves us to audit our actions, searching for that one word or deed that set off motions of vengeance in heaven against us. On the flip, it also leaves those of us who missed the mark and know it (definitely talking about myself here) bearing an unreasonably heavy burden of guilt, assuming that our actions brought us our just reward and therefore who are we to ask the Lord how long until help comes?

Guilt is the great divide.

I guess that's why our Blessed Saviour purchased our redemption with His own blood, just so that guilt and shame would no longer have to be our garments.
This year, I've had to ask myself some hard questions and reexamine some conclusions that I'd made. "That aint God!" How quickly we declare something to be of God and yet, we spend so very little time in His presence or His Word. So I guess the next question would be...

How do you know it isn't Him?

I'm crying. I'm hurting. This feels bad. This is uncomfortable. I never saw this coming. I never wanted this like this...
This CAN'T be God...right?

Sleeping with Bathsheba was a sin. The first child she bore for King David did not survive, as God in His righteous judgement required his life because of his father's shedding of the innocent blood of Uriah. But Bathsheba's second son, Solomon, God loved and he ascended to the throne of His father.
Sleeping with Hagar was not a sin in man's eyes, but it was a moral slip due to a lack of patience in the manifestation of God's promise of a natural born heir to Sarah and Abraham. Granted, well into their 90's, no one would begrudge them a panic attack or two. But the birth of Ishmael also opened a new world of drama to Abraham's household. But once again God, in His divine grace and wisdom, knew that as Abraham's seed, Ishmael too would be blessed, thus fulfilling the promise that all the nations of the earth would be blessed through his seed.
I've come to understand that sometimes what God allows to happen is just as magnificent as what He directly does. Sin is only an option to a heart predisposed to sin. You need neither God nor devil to sin. The very nature of man outside of the presence of God contains enough wickedness to give all of hell a good paid vacation.
David's decision to sleep with Uriah's wife then orchestrate his murder to cover his sin was his own, and he admitted it. But Bathsheba was God's divine plan. Without her, there would have been no Solomon.
All of creation will do the will of Almighty God. The "how" is the only variable in the equation.
Mankind may control his decisions, but God controls their consequences.

He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy.

The mistake I was making was assuming that just because I broke the order of things, sinned or in some cases, just didn't take the time to inquire of the Lord before I made a decision played into whether or not the will of the Lord was being done in my life. Surely my circumstances could serve as spiritual advisers, showing me which was was UP.
Sometimes life will contradict your assumptions..and so will God.

"Arise Peter,  slay and eat!"
That can't be God!
But it was.

I had declared some things "not God" in my life. As a matter of fact, I even had help doing so. Most people, given the details of anyone's circumstances, particularly in the area of relationships would say "LEAVE". A lot of people assume that I stayed in relationship with my childrens' father for them. That is an incorrect assumption. We remained together as long as we did because I was honestly in love with him. But the pressure to quickly assess and determine whether or not a person was "of God" did us in. I couldn't wait for an answer.
I let go.

I can remember the second to the last breakup we experienced this year. I was tired, frustrated and not sure how to even try to work on the relationship. I was frankly tired of working. I was also of the school of thought that if it's of God, it most CERTAINLY doesn't need all of this elbow grease and meet all of this resistance! It's smooth sailing with God and when you're with a man of God, he rubs your feet at night while praying in tongues. SERIOUSLY?! lol!
With our breakup barely a month old, I was still hurting and missing him. I second guessed my decision to quit trying but I was raised to make a decision and stick to it. I was sitting under the dryer next to a delightful sister in Christ whom I'd met at a previous salon visit. She asked how "we" were doing and I told her we had broken up and were no longer together. She looked so disappointed. Then she said the words that almost rocked me out of my chair, "Sis, did you pray about it first?"
No, I hadn't.
I talked to my usual board of friends who were all about reacting and not "settling for less than God's best"!
But none of the "best chasers" suggested once that I pray before making a decision to end a relationship with the father of my two children.
I don't blame them. The final decision was mine to make and own. But bad counsel has broken up more homes than bad arguments.
We reconciled briefly and then I broke up again with him August of this year.

My reasons at the time sounded good in my own ears. Now they just sound selfish and cold. I want a closer relationship with God...I want God's best for my life...I need to be around people who build me up in the faith... Sounds GREAT in the halls of religion!
But in the huts and caves of the real world, it just sounds heartless.
So your God tells you I'm not good enough for you, I don't deserve you and that being with me tears you from Him. Wow, what a witness!
Now listen.. I'm no fool. I"m not telling anyone to stay in a relationship that puts them in any harm or danger. But how much Holy Ghost do you really have if you can't be around someone without losing your grip on your relationship with God? My children's father was not to blame for my lack of relationship with God. He never prevented me from praying or reading my bible or even attending church. He wasn't into any of those things according to my standards, but truth be told, I wasn't even living what I was expecting him to.
The funny thing about this whole experience is that the closer I got to God, the more I loved him. I feel more compassion and less judgemental. I celebrate the good in him instead of cataloging the negative.
I pray for him.
I don't know where we're going from here. We're not together and so far, our interaction is limited to visits with the children. But I savor those now and just let them be. I"m thankful that he's here for them and for me. My selfishness hurt him but it didn't destroy him and for that, I'm thankful.
What's different now than before is that I pray. I ask. I seek God.
No matter what, His will be done. And before I ever utter, "This can't be God" again...

I'll ask first.

Prayer Point: Lord, give those that may read this prayer a heart of compassion. With this compassion, they will be able to see past words and actions and see needs within their fellow men. I pray that we would get in the habit of seeking your will before declaring something is or isn't your will. I pray that You'd cause us to be sensitive and willing to adjust as you download answers into our hearts. May we recognize that in your Kingdom and Your divine will, there are no mistakes, only opportunities for the glory of  Your grace to be revealed. These things we ask in the Name of Him who is called Faithful and True. Amen.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Roll Call

I can testify of the goodness of God. If you can somehow find the strength and will to make it to another day, He will meet you there with brand new mercy, grace and provision. I know that I'm just starting this journey called motherhood to some, but I've also made it further down the road that a woman who just put down the little stick with two pink stripes or the woman who gets to take her newborn home from the hospital in a couple of days.
The truth of the matter is, we each stand on a podium of achievement that others hope they will one day ascend to. I can remember looking forward to the day my children and I could have a real exchange of ideas, besides my simply trying to translate screams and tears. My son now says, "Mama, I love you" or "Are you ok mama?" which warms my heart. Whether he's able to comprehend the words that he speaks to me, I'm not always 100% sure of, but at least he can now articulate it and I eat it up.
If there's anything that I've learned just this year alone, it's that life is so much more difficult without the wisdom and counsel of God. This time last year, I was an emotional mess. I was 30 lbs heavier than I am now, steadily approaching 300 lbs, inflamed with heartburn and indigestion due to stress, restless, unhealthy and most certainly unhappy. I was a mess.
But even when you're not mindful of Him, I'm so glad that He's always mindful of you!
He's given me peace and rest on my job as well as peace of mind when it comes to childcare. The truth of the matter is that one of the most difficult things for a single working mom to overcome is the need for affordable and trustworthy childcare. Matthew has seen six different childcare providers in his 4 yr lifespan. There were many tearful days and fretful nights, trying to find last minute daycare so that I could go to work the next day. When I had the money to pay, I couldn't find a sitter, and when I didn't have the money, again, no sitter. There were many days I was late for work or took time off from work simply because I had no place to take my children while I worked. A lot of people don't understand the reality of childcare costs in this nation. It's absurd, just like healthcare costs. It's not unreasonable for some families to kick out as much as $1400 a MONTH in childcare expenses. Thankfully, I've never to pay that much, but in terms of its proportion to my take home pay, I'd say my daycare expenses are almost equal to my mortgage.
But God, in His faithfulness, has seen me through that and helped me to place my children in a church daycare. They are wonderful, loving, professional caregivers who love and respect the children as well as openly communicate with the parents. It is the blessing of my LIFE to have them in this facility!
I'd say the second hardest thing to deal with emotionally as a single working mom is my relationship with their father. lol! He is not a bad man. He is a very loving father. He has a great relationship with all three of his children. But our relationship has been difficult to reconcile. I'll admit, I can be rather "my way or the highway" in some respects but there are some things that we need not compromise on. Maturity is also a factor that I take into consideration on both our parts. It's not easy trying to build a relationship and raise two small children simultaneously and when two people are poorly equipped to manage such immense tasks as these, one usually suffers. In our case, our romantic relationship suffered.
The hardest part to deal with now is placing my own personal feelings regarding our romantic relationship aside and accepting him for the father he can be right now. That doesn't always meet my approval and yes, my expectations are high. My expectations of him as a father are high because the personal standard with which I hold myself accountable as a mother is high. And I know it is said that mothers are more nurturing than fathers but I didn't get the complete memo and I still believe that fathers serve an equally vital role in their childrens' upbringing.
I'm not the single mom that says #1, I don't need a man, and #2 my children don't need a father.
We need him!
But as I've seen God move on so many different levels of this journey, I commit this one to His care also. He is more than able to get me and my two little ones to the appointed destiny He has designed for us. I just have to make sure that I'm present and accounted for at roll call.
And I'll admit, sometimes, I haven't felt like showing up.
I felt like the burden of parenting alone was too heavy to bear and that I deserved HELP! And please tell me why the women who care the least about their men have his heart wrapped around their fingers?!! She literally rolls her eyes every time he speaks and is only with him because he hands over his check book, but he marries her and she wants for nothing. REALLY? SERIOUSLY?! lol!
I'm just being real.
And then there's me.
God, can you see me down here?
This is the year He let me know that He does indeed see me and even if a man doesn't acknowledge what I do as a mother, all the sacrificing and strain, He has recorded it all and will remember me! What a precious promise that is for me!
He sees me.
Even though there are many days I feel as if my children are raising me instead of the other way around, I'm always blown away with motherly pride when a teacher or parent comes up to me and says, "You have the sweetest children!"
I can't take the credit for it. I simply know within myself that God is doing something right and my agreement with His will is bearing fruit in the lives of my children.
There will be days when you honestly don't know how or why you're a mother and your confidence is on the ground. You feel defeated and so far from where you want to be. You can't see the finish line. But I want to encourage you to keep making roll call. What do I mean by that? I mean, wake up each day and show up to life. By doing so, you give God another opportunity to move mightily on your behalf. He said, "Ask and it shall be given.. knock and the door shall be opened". Waking up and facing another day is another way of seeking and knocking. Each day you decide to move forward, you are believing God to turn your circumstances around. I've been curled up in a bed of tears and grief within these 4 yrs of motherhood and I've also wiped away tears of joy and gratitude.
Melissa Lewis?
HERE!

Prayer Point: Lord, cause every person who may read this blog to find the strength to make roll call. May they trust you for another day. May they learn to look to you as their source of strength and guidance. Don't let them lose their hope in you. Don't let them faint. Help them to stand, even with buckling knees. Strengthen the weary, encourage the discouraged and heal the brokenhearted. They will survive. They will grow. They will prevail and they will be victorious in you. May we look toward the hills of each new day with the expectancy that our Help is coming. Amen.