My house is a very, very, very loud house. lol!
Well, let me not be so dramatic. My house isn't always loud, but my children do keep things lively. From the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they go to sleep at night, they are almost obsessed with this strange notion we like to call "fairness".
They are just under twenty months apart, with Matthew being the oldest, but that doesn't matter to them. In their minds and in their little hearts, they are the same.
Never mind they aren't the same age.
Never mind they aren't the same gender.
Never mind they don't have the same needs, temperaments, desires, habits or learning style.
They wake up every morning with the expectation that everything in their two worlds will be the same.
Same drinks.
Same toys.
Same food.
Same snacks.
Same punishments.
And if there's ever any difference, they both suddenly become lawyers and immediately file an appeal with the judicial court of Motherhood.
MAMA!!! Caitlyn has a cookie and I don't!
It doesn't matter that he had three before she even had her one cookie.
All they can see is what the one has and the other doesn't have.
Hmm.
This morning when the Lord dropped this word "fairness" into my heart and told me to write about it, I wasn't sure where He was going with it.
Now the light is starting to come on a little bit.
We are all His children.
He loves us all equally, indeed.
But He does not treat us all the same.
When it comes to life, fairness at some point has to give way to justice.
There is a difference.
The bible has many examples of things that weren't necessarily fair, but they were just.
It wasn't fair that Jacob, the younger, should receive the birthright over his brother Esau. But when Esau's heart was examined, it was clear that it was a just decision by Almighty God.
When the people saw King Saul, they saw a handsome and strong looking leader. But God rejected him because inwardly, he was a rebellious coward. It wasn't fair that he would be dethroned by a ruddy, fresh faced shepherd boy, but it was just.
There are so many things we can look at in life and shout out,"God, that's not fair!!"
Why is she married and I'm not?
Why do they have children and we don't?
Why did my loved one die and theirs didn't?
Why did I lose my home and they didn't?
Why did they get the job and I didn't?
How is that fair?
I can understand my children's frustration at times.
All they can see is their little perspectives.
But my job is to teach them how to trust my judgement, even when they can't understand it.
My job as mom is to make sure they understand that it is not their place to challenge me and to tell me what I should do for them or to assume that they will both receive the same thing all the time.
They are not the same. They have different needs. They are of two different maturity levels and I have two different levels of expectation for both of them.
Fairness only considers what you have or don't have at the moment.
Rarely, if ever does it consider what you've already been given.
So the next time you feel like looking up towards heaven and telling God that something isn't fair, I hope that you'll pause and think of my two little children.
Imagine them running around the house, both having all of their needs met, a loving mom watching over them and with all of that, still finding the need to point out where things appear to them to be different and unfair.
Stop your whining. Realize how good you've got it in the grand scheme of things.
No, you don't have what someone else has right now.
You may have already had more than they ever did.
God is not a fair God. He is a just God.
Trust His judgement.
He is for you, whether you think that's fair or not.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Inside Of A Control Freak... (poem)
There's a lump in my throat.
There's a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I don't want to eat.
It's difficult to drink.
It's hard to breathe.
I feel my chest start to heave.
I think I might faint
While I feel like I'm panicking.
Running and stumbling
Clawing and scratching
What could be happening?
I'm losing control.
There's a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I don't want to eat.
It's difficult to drink.
It's hard to breathe.
I feel my chest start to heave.
I think I might faint
While I feel like I'm panicking.
Running and stumbling
Clawing and scratching
What could be happening?
I'm losing control.
Unloved...
Genesis 29:31- "When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
I've read the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel many times before.
I've always been fascinated by this unusual love story and the family drama.
Two sisters in love with the same man...hmm. What's not to be fascinated by?
But this has probably been one of the most perplexing, frustrating, and painfully poignant scriptures I've ever read.
I know what it's like to feel unloved.
It bothered me to read of Leah's humiliation. No one could have imagined how she felt the next morning after her wedding night, after she'd given her virginity away to Jacob, lifting the veil from her face and seeing the look of shock fade into anger, then from anger into disgust.
No one can imagine doing everything you possibly could to erase that look off his face to no avail.
When I was coming up, this scripture was always taught as if Leah was the one who deceived Jacob into marriage. She was a co conspirator.
But I don't believe that is accurate or true.
I believe that her father may have been deceitful.
But the heart of Leah was sincere and pure.
She loved a man who did not love her.
It pained me to read of her anguish, as I imagined her having to watch Jacob look lovingly into the eyes of her sister but turn stares of hate and disgust in her direction.
I can't imagine the pain of seeing the man you love going to the tent of your sister for the night and knowing that is where he wished he could stay.
How Leah must have moaned, knowing the only thing keeping Jacob by her side was a law of the land.
His heart was far from her.
As she despaired, languished in pain and hurt, this scripture comes into view more clearly: ""When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
This has been a blog I've wanted to write for a long time but I didn't know what to say. This morning when I got up, the Holy Spirit brought it back to me. I was still unsure of what to say, but He reassured me that the words would come to me and flow as I took the step of faith to write about a scripture that has cut me to my soul and fascinated me, all at the same time.
I know what it's like to be the woman that will do for the time being.
I know what it feels like to be the woman he knows he should be with, but that his heart doesn't desire.
I know what it feels like to search for love, acceptance, and validation in his eyes and only see emptiness.
I know what it feels like to lay in his bed chamber ashamed and despised.
A scripture that used to cause me so much grief is beginning to comfort me now.
God sees the unloved.
How powerful is that?
He took notice of Leah's pain.
Whether or not it was Laban's fault, Leah's fault or Jacob's fault that the marriage happened in the first place, God saw that Leah was unloved. Some translations say "hated" or "esteemed less than".
Maybe you're sitting somewhere like me, looking at your life and all its decisions. You see the good and the bad in a pile together. You realize there were some decisions you should have made that you didn't and some things that you should have said that you didn't. But now you're in the bed chamber, you're naked, uncovered and unloved.
What did God do for the woman who was unloved?
"He opened her womb..."
I bore two children for a man who did not love me, or at least, esteemed me to be "less than". But instead of leaving me to feel used, unloved and unappreciated, God made me fruitful.
I'm not implying that every woman who has a child out of wedlock is like Leah or that God rewards broken marriages with children.
No.
But I am saying that he makes the unloved fruitful.
He opens their womb, the place where greatness is carried and born.
He gives them blessing after blessing and showers them with favor.
Rachel had the love and favor of her husband.
But Leah had the love and favor of God.
Seven sons and one daughter.
She rejoiced after each birth.
Not much is mentioned in the bible about the relationship between Jacob and Leah. It is clear that Rachel was favored.
However, as I began to dig deeper into the text, I found that Leah wasn't overlooked by Jacob all her life.
Genesis 49: 29 Then he gave them these instructions: “I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, 30 the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought along with the field as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite. 31 There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. 32
Somewhere between the heartache and tears, the anguish and humiliation, Leah found herself highly esteemed, honored in her burial among the princesses of Israel, the wives of the patriarchs.
Rachel is not buried here.
But Leah is.
With life drifting away from his aged body, Jacob charged his sons to bury him next to Leah.
Wow.
God sees every tear stained eye and hears every moan.
The humiliation didn't escape His sight.
The verbal abuse was heard in His ears.
I just want you to know that God Almighty has opened your womb in the midst of your pain and disappointment.
Great things will be born from your pain.
The nations of the earth will be blessed by you.
God has crowned you with lovingkindness and favor.
It's ok to cry Leah.
You may be unloved by a man...
But you are dearly beloved by God.
He will bestow on you the honor you are due.
Trust Him and receive it, you beauty Queen.
I've read the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel many times before.
I've always been fascinated by this unusual love story and the family drama.
Two sisters in love with the same man...hmm. What's not to be fascinated by?
But this has probably been one of the most perplexing, frustrating, and painfully poignant scriptures I've ever read.
I know what it's like to feel unloved.
It bothered me to read of Leah's humiliation. No one could have imagined how she felt the next morning after her wedding night, after she'd given her virginity away to Jacob, lifting the veil from her face and seeing the look of shock fade into anger, then from anger into disgust.
No one can imagine doing everything you possibly could to erase that look off his face to no avail.
When I was coming up, this scripture was always taught as if Leah was the one who deceived Jacob into marriage. She was a co conspirator.
But I don't believe that is accurate or true.
I believe that her father may have been deceitful.
But the heart of Leah was sincere and pure.
She loved a man who did not love her.
It pained me to read of her anguish, as I imagined her having to watch Jacob look lovingly into the eyes of her sister but turn stares of hate and disgust in her direction.
I can't imagine the pain of seeing the man you love going to the tent of your sister for the night and knowing that is where he wished he could stay.
How Leah must have moaned, knowing the only thing keeping Jacob by her side was a law of the land.
His heart was far from her.
As she despaired, languished in pain and hurt, this scripture comes into view more clearly: ""When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
This has been a blog I've wanted to write for a long time but I didn't know what to say. This morning when I got up, the Holy Spirit brought it back to me. I was still unsure of what to say, but He reassured me that the words would come to me and flow as I took the step of faith to write about a scripture that has cut me to my soul and fascinated me, all at the same time.
I know what it's like to be the woman that will do for the time being.
I know what it feels like to be the woman he knows he should be with, but that his heart doesn't desire.
I know what it feels like to search for love, acceptance, and validation in his eyes and only see emptiness.
I know what it feels like to lay in his bed chamber ashamed and despised.
A scripture that used to cause me so much grief is beginning to comfort me now.
God sees the unloved.
How powerful is that?
He took notice of Leah's pain.
Whether or not it was Laban's fault, Leah's fault or Jacob's fault that the marriage happened in the first place, God saw that Leah was unloved. Some translations say "hated" or "esteemed less than".
Maybe you're sitting somewhere like me, looking at your life and all its decisions. You see the good and the bad in a pile together. You realize there were some decisions you should have made that you didn't and some things that you should have said that you didn't. But now you're in the bed chamber, you're naked, uncovered and unloved.
What did God do for the woman who was unloved?
"He opened her womb..."
I bore two children for a man who did not love me, or at least, esteemed me to be "less than". But instead of leaving me to feel used, unloved and unappreciated, God made me fruitful.
I'm not implying that every woman who has a child out of wedlock is like Leah or that God rewards broken marriages with children.
No.
But I am saying that he makes the unloved fruitful.
He opens their womb, the place where greatness is carried and born.
He gives them blessing after blessing and showers them with favor.
Rachel had the love and favor of her husband.
But Leah had the love and favor of God.
Seven sons and one daughter.
She rejoiced after each birth.
Not much is mentioned in the bible about the relationship between Jacob and Leah. It is clear that Rachel was favored.
However, as I began to dig deeper into the text, I found that Leah wasn't overlooked by Jacob all her life.
Genesis 49: 29 Then he gave them these instructions: “I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, 30 the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought along with the field as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite. 31 There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. 32
Somewhere between the heartache and tears, the anguish and humiliation, Leah found herself highly esteemed, honored in her burial among the princesses of Israel, the wives of the patriarchs.
Rachel is not buried here.
But Leah is.
With life drifting away from his aged body, Jacob charged his sons to bury him next to Leah.
Wow.
God sees every tear stained eye and hears every moan.
The humiliation didn't escape His sight.
The verbal abuse was heard in His ears.
I just want you to know that God Almighty has opened your womb in the midst of your pain and disappointment.
Great things will be born from your pain.
The nations of the earth will be blessed by you.
God has crowned you with lovingkindness and favor.
It's ok to cry Leah.
You may be unloved by a man...
But you are dearly beloved by God.
He will bestow on you the honor you are due.
Trust Him and receive it, you beauty Queen.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Boundaries...
Boundary: Something that indicates a border or limit; something that indicates the farthest limit, as of an area; border.
Welcome to 2012!
While many folks are kicking off their new year with resolutions, diet plans and new hairdo's, God is leading me down a much more complex and challenging path called establishing boundaries.
It's unfortunate that I've lived most of my life without understanding, appreciating or having many boundaries for myself. I have spent the entire 34 years of my life respecting and abiding within the boundary lines of others.
What is my limit?
When do I say enough is enough? Where do I draw the line?
God speaks to me in the simplest of ways sometimes.
My children have the run of my home. We don't live in a china shop. They are loud, playful and full of energy from the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they droop in sleep at night. I was speaking with my sister by phone the other night and we were discussing the various tasks and chores that we needed to accomplish. I talked about my need to clean my bedroom and joked, "My room looks like Matt and Cait's room! I've got their clothes and toys everywhere!" Then, the conversation flowed this way. I said, "Remember when we were little how going in mama and daddy's room was like an event?! I mean, it was a sacred space that we never got to chill in or run around in". Then the light came on. I said to my sister, "I get it. Mama and daddy made their room off limits. Because they did, it always stayed neat and clean. Maybe if I did the same thing, my room would stay neat!"
Boundaries.
How far is too far?
How much is too much?
Is it when he calls you "bitch"?
Is it when she steals your money?
Is it when he slaps your face?
Is it when he cheats on you?
Is it when she talks about you behind your back?
I believe I developed a coping mechanism as a child that allowed me to put things that distressed me and angered me in another place that I couldn't access in my consciousness. I remember wrongs but I don't hold them like grudges. It's quite weird to explain to someone who's outside of my head. But my family and friends have seen it and witnessed it first hand. It's the reason why I took ex's back after horrible offenses and restored them to the place they were before it ever happened. No consequences. No guilt trips. No anger and revenge. Silence. Smiles.
No boundaries.
Now that I'm 34, it's as if the Holy Spirit is allowing the spotlight to be turned on me. For years, I focused on others; my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my children.
I had to right everyone else's wrongs and make sure everyone else was ok.
I had to mediate and facilitate.
But not anymore.
It's almost as if God has pulled up a chair and commanded me to be seated.
Put a mirror in my hand and said "Look".
I have the most amazing spiritual leaders a human being could be graced to receive. I love them both completely. Their love is sincere. They walk with God. You feel His presence when in their presence. This sincerity of love comforts but it also exposes the weak, flimsy and fake portions of my foundation.
It's chipping away at who I thought I was and making me into who I was meant to be.
That process isn't always easy and I've been told I haven't even gotten to the nitty gritty yet.
Already my heart is racing, stomach is in a knot and eyes are watering.
It hurts to see inside yourself.
But where else can I get this much needed heart surgery than in the company of skilled, loving spiritual surgeons?
Boundaries.
I need them. I haven't had them. My bedroom looks like an extension of my children's shared bedroom.
Why?
I am not a dirty person but I am cluttered.
The simplest definition of clutter is "many things out of place".
Once things are returned to their proper place and forced to remain there, the room takes on the appearance of order and neatness.
I'm de-cluttering.
My life has been cluttered because I haven't had boundaries.
I freeze.
I become mute and silent when I should speak.
I erupt like a volcano that no one understands because I refused to say in the moment what bothered me. Why?
I never had permission to say what I felt as a child.
The adult thought she still had to play by a child's rules.
I really don't care what anyone thinks of this particular blog entry.
I gotta be me, the real me.
It's not always pretty, cute and well manicured.
But this year, for the first time, I want to get down to the root of things.
I want help. I want to be healed and whole.
I don't want to climb to the top of the hill and watch the stone roll all the way back down.
I want to be married.
I want a loving home for my children to live in.
I'm not going to get any of that with an unwillingness to be dealt with, disciplined, and taught. I'm not going to be where I want to be if I don't submit to the process.
I had no idea I didn't understand the need for boundaries in my life until people started crossing them in bigger, bolder ways.
See, that's the thing.
Once you allow someone to cross a line, that's not the only line they'll ever cross.
They become more bold, more aggressive, more intrusive.
Eventually, you'll be held hostage to their demands, a slave to their wants.
A prisoner of your own life.
Not me.
Not this year.
Not anymore.
Stop right there.
Boundaries.
Welcome to 2012!
While many folks are kicking off their new year with resolutions, diet plans and new hairdo's, God is leading me down a much more complex and challenging path called establishing boundaries.
It's unfortunate that I've lived most of my life without understanding, appreciating or having many boundaries for myself. I have spent the entire 34 years of my life respecting and abiding within the boundary lines of others.
What is my limit?
When do I say enough is enough? Where do I draw the line?
God speaks to me in the simplest of ways sometimes.
My children have the run of my home. We don't live in a china shop. They are loud, playful and full of energy from the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they droop in sleep at night. I was speaking with my sister by phone the other night and we were discussing the various tasks and chores that we needed to accomplish. I talked about my need to clean my bedroom and joked, "My room looks like Matt and Cait's room! I've got their clothes and toys everywhere!" Then, the conversation flowed this way. I said, "Remember when we were little how going in mama and daddy's room was like an event?! I mean, it was a sacred space that we never got to chill in or run around in". Then the light came on. I said to my sister, "I get it. Mama and daddy made their room off limits. Because they did, it always stayed neat and clean. Maybe if I did the same thing, my room would stay neat!"
Boundaries.
How far is too far?
How much is too much?
Is it when he calls you "bitch"?
Is it when she steals your money?
Is it when he slaps your face?
Is it when he cheats on you?
Is it when she talks about you behind your back?
I believe I developed a coping mechanism as a child that allowed me to put things that distressed me and angered me in another place that I couldn't access in my consciousness. I remember wrongs but I don't hold them like grudges. It's quite weird to explain to someone who's outside of my head. But my family and friends have seen it and witnessed it first hand. It's the reason why I took ex's back after horrible offenses and restored them to the place they were before it ever happened. No consequences. No guilt trips. No anger and revenge. Silence. Smiles.
No boundaries.
Now that I'm 34, it's as if the Holy Spirit is allowing the spotlight to be turned on me. For years, I focused on others; my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my children.
I had to right everyone else's wrongs and make sure everyone else was ok.
I had to mediate and facilitate.
But not anymore.
It's almost as if God has pulled up a chair and commanded me to be seated.
Put a mirror in my hand and said "Look".
I have the most amazing spiritual leaders a human being could be graced to receive. I love them both completely. Their love is sincere. They walk with God. You feel His presence when in their presence. This sincerity of love comforts but it also exposes the weak, flimsy and fake portions of my foundation.
It's chipping away at who I thought I was and making me into who I was meant to be.
That process isn't always easy and I've been told I haven't even gotten to the nitty gritty yet.
Already my heart is racing, stomach is in a knot and eyes are watering.
It hurts to see inside yourself.
But where else can I get this much needed heart surgery than in the company of skilled, loving spiritual surgeons?
Boundaries.
I need them. I haven't had them. My bedroom looks like an extension of my children's shared bedroom.
Why?
I am not a dirty person but I am cluttered.
The simplest definition of clutter is "many things out of place".
Once things are returned to their proper place and forced to remain there, the room takes on the appearance of order and neatness.
I'm de-cluttering.
My life has been cluttered because I haven't had boundaries.
I freeze.
I become mute and silent when I should speak.
I erupt like a volcano that no one understands because I refused to say in the moment what bothered me. Why?
I never had permission to say what I felt as a child.
The adult thought she still had to play by a child's rules.
I really don't care what anyone thinks of this particular blog entry.
I gotta be me, the real me.
It's not always pretty, cute and well manicured.
But this year, for the first time, I want to get down to the root of things.
I want help. I want to be healed and whole.
I don't want to climb to the top of the hill and watch the stone roll all the way back down.
I want to be married.
I want a loving home for my children to live in.
I'm not going to get any of that with an unwillingness to be dealt with, disciplined, and taught. I'm not going to be where I want to be if I don't submit to the process.
I had no idea I didn't understand the need for boundaries in my life until people started crossing them in bigger, bolder ways.
See, that's the thing.
Once you allow someone to cross a line, that's not the only line they'll ever cross.
They become more bold, more aggressive, more intrusive.
Eventually, you'll be held hostage to their demands, a slave to their wants.
A prisoner of your own life.
Not me.
Not this year.
Not anymore.
Stop right there.
Boundaries.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Cli-Mate
When does your sun rise?
I will be there on time.
What brings the rain to your clouds?
I won't rest until I know.
From which direction does your soft wind blow?
I'll find it.
When your seasons and reasons change
I want to be the one who remains
Unphased by your weather conditions
Undeterred by your darkness
Never blinded by your light
Never fearful of your thunder
The always of you.
The constant of you.
Weathering you.
I will be there on time.
What brings the rain to your clouds?
I won't rest until I know.
From which direction does your soft wind blow?
I'll find it.
When your seasons and reasons change
I want to be the one who remains
Unphased by your weather conditions
Undeterred by your darkness
Never blinded by your light
Never fearful of your thunder
The always of you.
The constant of you.
Weathering you.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Greater Comfort...
 |
| March 31, 2011 |
Why?
I'm sure it looks like any ordinary picture I've taken, but there's so much in this picture that you can't see.
I took this picture on one of the most difficult days of my life.
I took it the day I lost the job I'd worked for the last 11 years of my life.
I came home that day and sat in my bedroom alone. It was around 10 a.m., close to 11. I wasn't used to being home at that time of day.
I didn't know what to do first, so I began to call my family.
One by one, their reactions were the same.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Anger.
They asked me was I ok.
I lied.
I took this picture, not even sure why I was doing it.
I messaged my spiritual father and told him what happened.
He encouraged me.
"This is God. Everything will be alright".
God?
Where?
I was hurting badly.
I felt wronged.
I was uncertain about everything.
I didn't know what to do.
So I took out my camera phone and took this picture.
I told myself by faith, and I guess some would say prophetically, that one day, I would look at this picture and feel no pain.
One day, I would smile and the smile would be real and the tears would be gone.
One day, I would understand the Word of the Lord that told me that what I was going through was Him.
I was sitting at the table of my spiritual leaders this past weekend.
While there, I began to talk about feeling uncomfortable and dealing with feelings of discomfort while in transition.
He corrected me and gave me this Word, and I'm paraphrasing: "It's not that you're being taken to a place of discomfort. The process of transition is uncomfortable. But where you are being taken to is a place of greater comfort".
That Word resonated in my heart like a gong.
Greater comfort.
Words can't describe how uncomfortable it is to transition from working everyday for the past 11 years to sitting at home during the day.
There's no discomfort quite like having to explain to two small children why mommy is at home instead of at work.
But each day, I held on to the Word of the Lord that told me what I was going through was from God.
Since that moment in my life last year, this blog has seen major growth. The gift of writing that was given to me by God has started to come forth in greater measure.
Some relationships that were dear to my heart fell away last year.
That was also painful.
But just as the Lord spoke concerning the loss of my job, I realized that all of the changing and uprooting that was taking place within my life was Him.
You can't pray for change and then become surprised when it comes.
There are just some places in your life that will not produce the greatness that God has designated for your life. You have to accept that. My mama likes plants and there comes a time when she has to put the same plant in a new pot. Why? Because if she leaves the plant in its original pot, it will not grow to its full potential. But if it stays in that pot anyway, not only will its growth be stunted, its life will be cut off.
Some things hurt when they are taken away. We feel uncomfortable.
But there is a Word from the Lord.
He will never, EVER take you from comfort to discomfort.
Yes, the transition may be uncomfortable.
But the place you are going to is a place of GREATER COMFORT!
I give honor to my Apostle, Ricardo Watson for that Word spoken into my life...
His leadership, and his covering over my life.
I know what it's like to live without a spiritual covering.
That is why I am so grateful to have one now.
I am thankful for where the Lord has brought me.
 |
| January 5, 2012. Nearly 10 months later. |
I am one incredibly blessed woman.
God has shown Himself to be everything that I could ever need in 10 months time.
Walking by faith may not be easy, but once you begin, you realize there's really no other way to walk.
It was worth it all to know Him like I know Him now.
I trust Him with the rest of my life.
Great things have been prophesied over my destiny. I am eternally grateful for the prophetic gifts that have been connected to my life via facebook; those who have taken of their time to message me, encourage me and speak Words of life to me in a season of my life that I didn't even disclose to them.
That's when you know someone is hearing from God.
When they can speak into your life without knowing all your business, then you know you've met someone who hears God.
I threw that one in for free.
But as I sit here a couple of hours away from my birthday, my heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness.
He's my Shepherd and I don't want for anything.
He's dried my tears and calmed my fears.
He's given me double for everything that was taken away.
He's lifted my head and given me a new song to sing.
He's been faithful and He's been true.
He's given me leaders, friends, and people that I can trust. People who hear God. People who love God.
I associate with these types of people now.
I have very little time or interest in anyone else.
Tomorrow, I'll spend most of my time doing what I want to do. I'll have pizza with my babies. I'll read all of my birthday wishes and respond.
Under the orders of my dear sister, I'm going to go to bed soon and rest tomorrow. Today I battled a health issue that was probably brought on in part from a lack of rest.
I'm going to do better.
But as I take it down for the night, the overwhelming theme for my 34th year will be gratefulness.
I'm believing God for many things, many wonderful awesome things.
But I will be careful to give Him the praise for everything, great and small.
I'm grateful for every blessing that I have.
I'm blessed with two beautiful children.
Loving family.
Beautiful friends.
Strong, loving and sincere spiritual leaders.
I feel so rich in blessings today.
To God be the glory for what He has done and will do in me.
I have been given so much.
I've learned to depend on Him and to trust His Word.
Change will come. Be encouraged when it does. Embrace it.
You may cry and there may be some difficult days as you transition.
But trust God.
He wouldn't take you from greater to give you lesser.
Greater comfort is your portion.
Monday, January 02, 2012
The Beginning And End...
I love New Year!
It's just hard to miss the feeling of renewal in the air and the feeling of a clean slate and fresh start. It's hard not resist the energy that comes with a new year and the motivation it inspires.
However, while most revel in this feeling for a while, I have another experience that I must deal with. Friday is my birthday. I'll be 34 years old.
As much as I'd like to spend my time celebrating the new year, I'm also met with the task of facing the fact that I am a year older and assessing where I am in life a lot sooner than others. It's always my turn first as a First week of January baby.
I am a planner. Whereas I don't always write every single detail down, I do at least expect a dialogue about what needs to take place. I like to work things out both in my head and aloud. But if I learned anything last year, it's that my best made plans sometimes didn't get to see the light of day. I've come to accept that although I plan my way, He ultimately orders my steps.
This new year is packed with prophetic meaning and I certainly have my ears open to what the Lord is saying to His people corporately through his Apostles and Prophets. I'm also listening to what He's been saying specifically to me.
For starts, the faith walk continues and the fear walking ends. I can't be afraid to make decisions. The risk of being right far outweighs the risk of being wrong. The odds are in my favor because God is on my side. If He can do this much with my life without my even acknowledging Him or seeking His face for direction, imagine what He is able and willing to do now that I'm willing to seek Him?
Although I've seen some losses in my life in the area of relationships, I've also seen some tremendous gains. I've been blessed with family and friends who love my for who I am and who build me up spiritually with encouragement and prayer. I can't tell you how good that feels.
I wouldn't say that I am happily single... lol! But I will say that I am content. I fully expect to meet someone all in God's timing and I'm open to whoever He desires to bless me with. But I have to be honest...
This is probably going to be the most selfish year of my life.
That's not to say that I will behave selfishly toward others, although anytime some people don't occupy 100% of your time and resources, they label you as "selfish". What I am saying is that this year I'm going to be more in tune with me and making sure that I get the help I need both naturally and spiritually. I turn 34 this year and I'm ready to have something significant to show for that amount of time on earth. There's more to me than what's been seen. When I do find love, I want it to last. I don't want to choke it with unresolved issues. Time to let some things go and be free. When he comes, and I know he will, the version of me that he'll see will be well worth it.
So many things about my life have got to change. There's more to do in life than wait to get old and die. There's a whole life to live and so much to work on as an individual.
I don't think about getting older. I think about growing up. lol! I hope to soon feel as if I'm standing in my full strength as a woman, head lifted, back straight, fearless and confident. No more second guessing. No more doubt and fear. Sure steps. Clear direction. Focus and resolve.
There are a lot of changes that will take place this year and I'm embracing each of them.
I'm ready to kick my life into gear and start living on the level God intended me to live.
Things are falling into place.
Soon, I'll be right where I want to be.
It's just hard to miss the feeling of renewal in the air and the feeling of a clean slate and fresh start. It's hard not resist the energy that comes with a new year and the motivation it inspires.
However, while most revel in this feeling for a while, I have another experience that I must deal with. Friday is my birthday. I'll be 34 years old.
As much as I'd like to spend my time celebrating the new year, I'm also met with the task of facing the fact that I am a year older and assessing where I am in life a lot sooner than others. It's always my turn first as a First week of January baby.
I am a planner. Whereas I don't always write every single detail down, I do at least expect a dialogue about what needs to take place. I like to work things out both in my head and aloud. But if I learned anything last year, it's that my best made plans sometimes didn't get to see the light of day. I've come to accept that although I plan my way, He ultimately orders my steps.
This new year is packed with prophetic meaning and I certainly have my ears open to what the Lord is saying to His people corporately through his Apostles and Prophets. I'm also listening to what He's been saying specifically to me.
For starts, the faith walk continues and the fear walking ends. I can't be afraid to make decisions. The risk of being right far outweighs the risk of being wrong. The odds are in my favor because God is on my side. If He can do this much with my life without my even acknowledging Him or seeking His face for direction, imagine what He is able and willing to do now that I'm willing to seek Him?
Although I've seen some losses in my life in the area of relationships, I've also seen some tremendous gains. I've been blessed with family and friends who love my for who I am and who build me up spiritually with encouragement and prayer. I can't tell you how good that feels.
I wouldn't say that I am happily single... lol! But I will say that I am content. I fully expect to meet someone all in God's timing and I'm open to whoever He desires to bless me with. But I have to be honest...
This is probably going to be the most selfish year of my life.
That's not to say that I will behave selfishly toward others, although anytime some people don't occupy 100% of your time and resources, they label you as "selfish". What I am saying is that this year I'm going to be more in tune with me and making sure that I get the help I need both naturally and spiritually. I turn 34 this year and I'm ready to have something significant to show for that amount of time on earth. There's more to me than what's been seen. When I do find love, I want it to last. I don't want to choke it with unresolved issues. Time to let some things go and be free. When he comes, and I know he will, the version of me that he'll see will be well worth it.
So many things about my life have got to change. There's more to do in life than wait to get old and die. There's a whole life to live and so much to work on as an individual.
I don't think about getting older. I think about growing up. lol! I hope to soon feel as if I'm standing in my full strength as a woman, head lifted, back straight, fearless and confident. No more second guessing. No more doubt and fear. Sure steps. Clear direction. Focus and resolve.
There are a lot of changes that will take place this year and I'm embracing each of them.
I'm ready to kick my life into gear and start living on the level God intended me to live.
Things are falling into place.
Soon, I'll be right where I want to be.
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