They appear to be everywhere now. The best sellers lists, media and magazines are buzzing with once playas turned relationship gurus dishing out advice like scoops of ice cream on a hot summer day. We all know who they (HE!!) are so there's no need for me to name drop. But I do have an opinion that I don't mind sharing.
First of all, when you take it upon yourself to give advice on a large scale, you also open yourself up to closer examination. Folks want to know, and rightly so, what qualifies you to share what you know. Show us your credentials. And what can I say about these men who because they so love women are being so selfless and writing books and making millions? It is for our benefit after all that they toil over a cocktail and cigar while dictating their wisdom to a professional writer.
Yea, I'm being just a tad bit sarcastic. lol!
But what's really getting to me? Do I care about someone writing a book and making a profit?
No.
What's getting me is that a certain generation of men appear to have taken leave of their senses and left broken homes and lives in their wake. And as a way of somehow attempting to make up for their decades of selfishness, they attempt to show the world how they're now "getting it right" with the new wife, the new kids, and the new family...and squeeze in a few book tours to boot.
Hmm.
But wouldn't it be a greater testament to a man's character and integrity to build back what he tore down and write about that process?
It's not so much that they left but that now that they're gone, they are on a campaign to vindicate themselves while holding up the "new life" as the gold standard by which all should measure their success.
Really? Seriously?
So many women and children are insulted. So many families are broken because so many men refuse to clean up what they mess up WHERE they messed it up.
I saw a young girl on The Dr. Phil show, only 15 yrs old who had already gotten pregnant and miscarried because her father literally abandoned her after the divorce and his remarriage. When she did go to visit him and his new wife, she was immediately made aware of the fact that she was a unwelcome consequence of her father's past and he even went so far as to say he would terminate his parental rights due to the strain on his new family and his daughter's out-of-control behavior. He saw an "ungrateful little b*tch". I saw a little girl screaming at her daddy to come back. I also saw a 15 yr old young lady who was offended by her father's ability to treat her like the old sofa that no longer matched the new furniture.
Am I saying that men should not divorce and remarry? No, and even if I did, what would that change? lol! But I am saying that it's not a testimony of any man's strength of character and integrity to move on from a mess he contributed to and then tout that his new relationship is somehow the blueprint of success. I think that's the overwhelming vibe a lot of women are feeling as we sit and read the works of these gurus and experts.
You're happy now. Great.
And who paid the bill for your newly purchased happiness?
Don't kid yourselves women. You're always a saint until you become the Ex. And that goes back to the competitive nature of relationships that I've observed. Why does each new relationship have to be compared against the previous one? Why do some men feel the need to prove the new spouse is "better" than the previous one? At some point, we all have to concede that 10 exes had one common denominator and that was YOU.
What I believe our society needs is a resurgence of men who aren't cowards but look their mistakes in the face and FIX them. If you cheated on your woman and abandoned her and your children, go back to the scene of the crime and make it right. So what she doesn't immediately believe your sincerity?! So what she's angry and hostile for what seems like eternity?! Most women know and assume that a man's behavior towards her has a time limited & time frame. "I tried to show her I was sorry but nothing changed so I'm out". And guess what? Nobody understands this mentality better than a woman. We were left alone to face the questioning of Almighty God in the Garden after the infamous "the woman u gave me" cop out, it comes as no real shock to us when a man refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and predicates his righteousness on a woman's actions. Every woman who has ever loved a man has at some point questioned the motive behind that man's good deeds. Is he doing right for right's sake or for what right will profit him? Until real men can stare their own consequences in the face and deal with them, our families will always face challenges. Get over your need for instant gratification. That's what got you into the mess in the first place! What does it say to a child, a woman, and family when a man comes back and says "I know I messed up and I know it won't be easy to fix but I'm here to build".
I'll tell you what it says...
YOU'RE WORTH IT!
No wonder so many (myself included) battle with issues of self worth. Who told us and showed us that we were worth the effort? Which parent? Which ex boyfriend? Which ex husband? Which spiritual leader?
Who showed us we were worth fighting for?
And who left?
I have way more respect for a man who comes back and rebuilds the home he helped to tear down than the man who runs and hides in another one.
That's a book I'll read and recommend.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Love, The Game...
If love is a game then men and women often find themselves on opposing teams. Truth is I have felt in past relationships and my most recent one that the man in my life viewed me as his enemy at worst and his competition at best. In the case of my children's father, there's an invisible score board and shot clock between us. "Buying the kids expensive Christmas gifts"...lay up. "Offering to take them on the weekends"... two point jumper. "Being the custodial parent"... three pointer.
Truth is I don't want love to be a game and I don't want to score points for being the woman and the mother I thought I was supposed to be.
Likewise, I'm tired of him feeling like the game is over because he can't make the free throws of expensive gifts and stability.
Why are we competing anyway?
Who told us that our children's love and affection was a prize instead of blessing? Since the love of a child is unconditional by nature anyway, who told us it was something we had to compete for? I don't need an elbow to the face every Christmas time when he's able to buy more gifts than me and I certainly don't feel like committing a technical foul against him just because I take time off work to nurse a sick child. Can't we all just grow up and can't we all just get over ourselves?
Communication has always been poor between my children's father and I and for all my elloquence of speech, I've never been able to find a way to convey my true heart and intentions to him. Somehow or another, my intentions get lost in translation and all that gets processed are words like "snob", "controlling" and "hypocrite". I may be tough but words run deep with me. I'm a wordsmith so when someone chooses certain adjectives and directs them at me, I don't simply brush them aside as meaningless. What would cause a person to say or assume these things about me?
One things for sure. I am not intentionally raising my two children without the help of their father. I didn't sign up to do it alone but that's exactly where I've found myself. However, when you find yourself being the responsible person in the relationship, be prepared to also be labeled as the controlling one. You're the bad guy who prefers paid rent over new gadgets and toys. You suck all the fun out of pay days with your incessant need to be fiscally responsible and studious. God forbid you blow at least one paycheck on something fun and then spend the next week pushing the panic button, trying to figure out how to make ends meet. You make men feel like a child with your always correcting words like, "Maybe we should try to put something back for gas or not spend so much here and put the extra money there". You are a mature adult and that unfortunately makes you an opponent.
Love is not a game to me. Is it complicated? Intricate? Demanding? Commanding? Yes, it is. But one thing it is not is a competition. I don't love my children to spite their father. I love them because they have been given to me by God to love and nurture. I thought when I became a mother that I was supposed to be one and that included making them of a high priority and making sure that they were raised in the most loving and safe environment possible. That's what I thought. But somewhere along the line, it became a game to their father and I.
I don't want to play anymore.
Truth is I don't want love to be a game and I don't want to score points for being the woman and the mother I thought I was supposed to be.
Likewise, I'm tired of him feeling like the game is over because he can't make the free throws of expensive gifts and stability.
Why are we competing anyway?
Who told us that our children's love and affection was a prize instead of blessing? Since the love of a child is unconditional by nature anyway, who told us it was something we had to compete for? I don't need an elbow to the face every Christmas time when he's able to buy more gifts than me and I certainly don't feel like committing a technical foul against him just because I take time off work to nurse a sick child. Can't we all just grow up and can't we all just get over ourselves?
Communication has always been poor between my children's father and I and for all my elloquence of speech, I've never been able to find a way to convey my true heart and intentions to him. Somehow or another, my intentions get lost in translation and all that gets processed are words like "snob", "controlling" and "hypocrite". I may be tough but words run deep with me. I'm a wordsmith so when someone chooses certain adjectives and directs them at me, I don't simply brush them aside as meaningless. What would cause a person to say or assume these things about me?
One things for sure. I am not intentionally raising my two children without the help of their father. I didn't sign up to do it alone but that's exactly where I've found myself. However, when you find yourself being the responsible person in the relationship, be prepared to also be labeled as the controlling one. You're the bad guy who prefers paid rent over new gadgets and toys. You suck all the fun out of pay days with your incessant need to be fiscally responsible and studious. God forbid you blow at least one paycheck on something fun and then spend the next week pushing the panic button, trying to figure out how to make ends meet. You make men feel like a child with your always correcting words like, "Maybe we should try to put something back for gas or not spend so much here and put the extra money there". You are a mature adult and that unfortunately makes you an opponent.
Love is not a game to me. Is it complicated? Intricate? Demanding? Commanding? Yes, it is. But one thing it is not is a competition. I don't love my children to spite their father. I love them because they have been given to me by God to love and nurture. I thought when I became a mother that I was supposed to be one and that included making them of a high priority and making sure that they were raised in the most loving and safe environment possible. That's what I thought. But somewhere along the line, it became a game to their father and I.
I don't want to play anymore.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Tax Time: The Folly Foolishness
The bible clearly tells us that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. However, no time of year seems to drive this point home better than TAX TIME!!! OMG!
Single moms know what I'm talking about here.
First of all, let me be frank and honest. We know that there are those among us in our society who take advantage of the system. We also know that these people make out like masked bank robbers come tax time. How do they do this? Well, those who do not work all year lend out their children's social security numbers to those who do work and strike side deals in the process. For example, some will say, "if I let you claim my kids, you can hold this much and I'll take that much". So ultimately, the person who doesn't work and the person that is claiming children they NEVER raised and sometimes doesn't even KNOW walk away with a little change.
But you also have the scenario of the baby daddies who were virtual ghosts all year long who suddenly have these "come to Jesus" moments somewhere around New Years, has found a new sense of commitment to family and children and a major expense around $1000 that must be taken care of immediately, or as soon as your refund check clears.
These both would qualify as FOLLY FOOLISHNESS!
This is a term my sister and I coined because sometimes, folly or foolishness alone just don't give all the necessary emphasis. It's sort of like another word that I coined called "monkeydom". Monkeydom is the behavior that some people display that resembles that of PRIMATES. It doesn't make good sense, it's reckless, it's irresponsible, it's destructive. It's MONKEYDOM. It's a state of being. lol!
Follyfoolishness and monkeydom are closely related in my opinion because both demonstrate a lack of GOOD SENSE!
I don't understand for the life of me how folks who do not take care of children expect to be able to claim them. I do not understand fathers who do not have custody of their children nor do they spend a significant amount of time with their children expect at tax time to somehow be given a "cut".
When this season is over and that will be SOON, I will be so glad.
Now, at the beginning of this motherhood thing, I got guilted right up on out of my refund checks. After all, I didn't know any better and the last thing I wanted to appear was wrong and somehow unfair. Hehe. That was then. At this point, after some real living, I couldn't care less about anyone's bad attitude and feelings of unfairness.
Sure, it irks me, but it doesn't move me to action. lol!
And another thing...
Grown folks who pay real bills and have real responsibilities breathing down their necks 7 days a week barely bat an eye at a refund check. I'll never forget the first time my tax preparer, Danny, "announced" the amount I was getting back from my two children. He said, "Are you sittin down?" and paused for emphasis. LOL! When he finally gave his imaginary drum roll and revealed the amount, I barely blinked. That was because I realized that the amount would barely cover daycare for a year and wasn't nearly enough to pay of any major bills. Yawn. On to the next issue please!
So no one will be happier than SISTER MELISSA to see the END of tax season. My desire now and from now on is to honor God in my living as well as my giving. Before tax time rolled around, I committed to tithing again. Now tithing isn't something I talk about much because at one point in my life, I stopped doing it and was against it. However, just live on a little while. If something is right and true and you LOVE what's right and what's true, even if you're wrong, God will bring it right on back to you and that's what He did for me in 2010. So after receiving a personal revelation on tithing... *pause* You see, you can preach the principle of tithing but until people get a personal revelation, they'll never do it or understand it. *push play* I decided to totally restructure the way I dealt with money in my household and the way I think about it. God comes first. I honor Him FIRST. And you know what? I'm not saying that everything was paid, the money tree in the backyard blossomed and I had money to scatter. But provision was ALWAYS there for me. My children always had food to eat, the car always had gas, and the lights stayed on. There were many days I didn't have two nickels to rub together in my pocket but the peace I found in knowing I honored God FIRST with my tithe gave me the assurance and CONFIDENCE to say, "God, I am honoring YOU FIRST. I need You to make a way for me and my children!" He's never failed me YET!
So, while folks are literally flippin out all around me over these refund checks, I'm just thankful to have the understanding that I do. I'm thankful that I realize now that behind the job, the car, the house and the groceries is the HAND OF GOD. Had He not given these things to me, I surely would not possess them. Everything is a gift that I am now appreciative of. The health and strength that I and my children have, the shelter, clothing, food and transportation are all blessings that I don't take for granted anymore. I could be putting my children to bed on a cot in a homeless shelter surrounded by strangers but every night, I tuck them in their own beds in their own rooms... as a single mom.
Aint God a good God?
And so I don't get testy or indignant when it comes to paying my tithes anymore. Why? Because I'm grateful and I realize that if it wasn't for God helping me through this life, I wouldn't have anything that I have and my children certainly wouldn't be living as they are under my care were it not for His grace.
So I'd like to encourage everyone who may read to just take the time to consider how this year, you can honor God for all that He's done for you. Maybe you were blessed with a better job this year and a nicer car to drive. Maybe you've FINALLY arrived at a place of peace after a long and difficult relationship. Maybe you're just thankful to have a positive bank balance, even if it says ZERO. Wherever you find yourself this year, how can you tell the Lord thank you? How can you demonstrate to Him with your words AND deeds that you do not take any blessing for granted?
That's something to think about besides who to claim and what to right off on your taxes. lol!
Single moms know what I'm talking about here.
First of all, let me be frank and honest. We know that there are those among us in our society who take advantage of the system. We also know that these people make out like masked bank robbers come tax time. How do they do this? Well, those who do not work all year lend out their children's social security numbers to those who do work and strike side deals in the process. For example, some will say, "if I let you claim my kids, you can hold this much and I'll take that much". So ultimately, the person who doesn't work and the person that is claiming children they NEVER raised and sometimes doesn't even KNOW walk away with a little change.
But you also have the scenario of the baby daddies who were virtual ghosts all year long who suddenly have these "come to Jesus" moments somewhere around New Years, has found a new sense of commitment to family and children and a major expense around $1000 that must be taken care of immediately, or as soon as your refund check clears.
These both would qualify as FOLLY FOOLISHNESS!
This is a term my sister and I coined because sometimes, folly or foolishness alone just don't give all the necessary emphasis. It's sort of like another word that I coined called "monkeydom". Monkeydom is the behavior that some people display that resembles that of PRIMATES. It doesn't make good sense, it's reckless, it's irresponsible, it's destructive. It's MONKEYDOM. It's a state of being. lol!
Follyfoolishness and monkeydom are closely related in my opinion because both demonstrate a lack of GOOD SENSE!
I don't understand for the life of me how folks who do not take care of children expect to be able to claim them. I do not understand fathers who do not have custody of their children nor do they spend a significant amount of time with their children expect at tax time to somehow be given a "cut".
When this season is over and that will be SOON, I will be so glad.
Now, at the beginning of this motherhood thing, I got guilted right up on out of my refund checks. After all, I didn't know any better and the last thing I wanted to appear was wrong and somehow unfair. Hehe. That was then. At this point, after some real living, I couldn't care less about anyone's bad attitude and feelings of unfairness.
Sure, it irks me, but it doesn't move me to action. lol!
And another thing...
Grown folks who pay real bills and have real responsibilities breathing down their necks 7 days a week barely bat an eye at a refund check. I'll never forget the first time my tax preparer, Danny, "announced" the amount I was getting back from my two children. He said, "Are you sittin down?" and paused for emphasis. LOL! When he finally gave his imaginary drum roll and revealed the amount, I barely blinked. That was because I realized that the amount would barely cover daycare for a year and wasn't nearly enough to pay of any major bills. Yawn. On to the next issue please!
So no one will be happier than SISTER MELISSA to see the END of tax season. My desire now and from now on is to honor God in my living as well as my giving. Before tax time rolled around, I committed to tithing again. Now tithing isn't something I talk about much because at one point in my life, I stopped doing it and was against it. However, just live on a little while. If something is right and true and you LOVE what's right and what's true, even if you're wrong, God will bring it right on back to you and that's what He did for me in 2010. So after receiving a personal revelation on tithing... *pause* You see, you can preach the principle of tithing but until people get a personal revelation, they'll never do it or understand it. *push play* I decided to totally restructure the way I dealt with money in my household and the way I think about it. God comes first. I honor Him FIRST. And you know what? I'm not saying that everything was paid, the money tree in the backyard blossomed and I had money to scatter. But provision was ALWAYS there for me. My children always had food to eat, the car always had gas, and the lights stayed on. There were many days I didn't have two nickels to rub together in my pocket but the peace I found in knowing I honored God FIRST with my tithe gave me the assurance and CONFIDENCE to say, "God, I am honoring YOU FIRST. I need You to make a way for me and my children!" He's never failed me YET!
So, while folks are literally flippin out all around me over these refund checks, I'm just thankful to have the understanding that I do. I'm thankful that I realize now that behind the job, the car, the house and the groceries is the HAND OF GOD. Had He not given these things to me, I surely would not possess them. Everything is a gift that I am now appreciative of. The health and strength that I and my children have, the shelter, clothing, food and transportation are all blessings that I don't take for granted anymore. I could be putting my children to bed on a cot in a homeless shelter surrounded by strangers but every night, I tuck them in their own beds in their own rooms... as a single mom.
Aint God a good God?
And so I don't get testy or indignant when it comes to paying my tithes anymore. Why? Because I'm grateful and I realize that if it wasn't for God helping me through this life, I wouldn't have anything that I have and my children certainly wouldn't be living as they are under my care were it not for His grace.
So I'd like to encourage everyone who may read to just take the time to consider how this year, you can honor God for all that He's done for you. Maybe you were blessed with a better job this year and a nicer car to drive. Maybe you've FINALLY arrived at a place of peace after a long and difficult relationship. Maybe you're just thankful to have a positive bank balance, even if it says ZERO. Wherever you find yourself this year, how can you tell the Lord thank you? How can you demonstrate to Him with your words AND deeds that you do not take any blessing for granted?
That's something to think about besides who to claim and what to right off on your taxes. lol!
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