Don't Date- INVESTIGATE!

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While most single ladies my age would welcome a relationship if a good one presented itself, it's also a reality that many of us are just about tired of trying. We've spent more than a decade in the dating world and after meeting some not-so-stellar candidates for our heart, we've all but given up our quest to find love.But just before you throw in the towel, consider with me, if you will, a new approach.
The bible tells us to be "wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove". While we practice what the bible preaches in other areas of our lives like how to get the best deal at the supermarket or from a mechanic, most of us drop this principle by the wayside when it comes to dating.

Here are some important keys to keep in mind that will help you make the most out of your dating experience and walk away from any situation, good or bad, with your dignity and heart still in tact:

1. Realize that the playing field is level, at least initially. So many women approach a dating situation like a potential employee being interviewed by her boss. He may listen to Rick Ross and feel like he's the biggest boss, but that doesn't make him the boss of you! Don't forget that while you're being sized up to also size him up! You don't have a lot of time on this level playing field so it's important that you take in as many observations as possible in the first few moments of meeting him. After all, you're trying determine if the man before you is indeed a worthy investment of your time or if the two of you are just doing a great job of covering up the incompatibility between you.
2. Believe what you see! So many of us have met a gentleman online who impressed us with lengthy conversations and impressive text messages, but upon meeting him, we were disappointed by the way he carried himself. Let's be real here ladies. Even when you're chillin, you're on point! So why is his faded graphic tee shirts and love for sneakers in every photograph acceptable to you? Nine times out of ten, this gentleman will not be willing to dress up and take you anywhere and if he does dress up, he'll make it clear that he is not a happy camper. Do you really want to deal with that six months from now? Better to observe in 6 minutes and keep the line movin' than after 6 months when you're trying to make it work and save face.
3. Believe what you hear! Did he REALLY just ask your cup size? Did he REALLY just ask you when was the last time you had sex? Unless you're working as a bra model or he's a gynecologist,  these questions, asked by him in the name of "honesty", are inappropriate at best and a huge RED FLAG at worse. While it may be tempting to write those little slips of common decency off, you must stay present. You're investigating. This is the man on his BEST behavior. He's already discussing your underwear and your sexual behavior before he knows anything about you as a person. Sounds like a guy who's really interested in getting to know you outside of the bedsheets, right? Moving right on along.
4. Believe what you feel. This guy is heaven sent! He's dressed to impress, he's respectful. He looks good on paper and he even bought over a new toy for your cat Whiskers (aww!). But something just doesn't feel right about him. You can't put your finger on it and you have no evidence to support your uneasiness, but it just won't go away. This is called "discernment"; and this is the Holy Spirit telling you, "I know something you don't know and have no way of knowing. You can either trust Me, because I don't lie, or you can trust him, a complete stranger".  Because you're investigating and not dating, nor have you invested more of your time and energy than you should without said investigation, you can quickly lose his number and trust that you won't be trying to dial 911 from the inside of his trunk, thanks to the Holy Ghost.

A lot of women feel victimized by the whole dating process and have nothing but horror stories to tell. But it's time that women of God arose in power and most importantly, WISDOM.

Dating is not a marriage so why are you doing the most in it?!  It is a time that should be well spent in respectfully gathering the needed information about someone to make an informed decision. Just because someone may not qualify to be your spouse doesn't mean you haven't met a good friend or someone with whom you can network.

 Just because it's been months (or years) since you had a date doesn't mean you should tolerate any and all behavior.  You have a lot to offer to a man who can see your true value and worth.
But it's up to YOU to make sure you're not giving someone the keys to your heart that you didn't even take the time to get to know. Don't leave your good mind in your purse! Take it out, use it and observe. And once you've investigated, make no apologies whatsoever for the conclusions you draw.
Trust me...

He won't.

What are your thoughts on trading in dating for investigating?

Wise Wednesdays: Should My Man Meet My Kids?

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I've seen many go back and forth about whether or not it's appropriate to let children meet the men and women their parents are dating early on.
The majority seems to think that in order to protect the children from potential heartbreak and abuse, he or she must be kept away until the relationship becomes serious.

I disagree.

Here's why.

A few months back, I met a gentleman that I seemed to have a good vibe with. He was a Christian, working on his master's degree, and laid back. I told him upfront that I was a single mother of two children and this didn't seem to deter him. After a little while, we decided that the vibe was so good between us that we wanted to meet. As we began planning our first date, it became more and more apparent that his schedule and mine were conflicting but we kept at it, hopeful that we could work out a time frame. One day, he called me up and told me he had some free time mid week and would it be ok if he came to see me.

Here's where things got interesting.

At first, I wanted to tell him "no" because his coming midweek would mean he would have to meet my children. This caused a little anxiety for me, because I didn't want to "scare him off". But I soon shook it off and decided to use it as a test. I told him that midweek would be fine and that when he arrived, my two children would be with us.

Needless to say, he suddenly had all sorts of excuses for not being able to visit and eventually started becoming distant.

Good riddance.

Here are some important things that I learned from that brief dating experience:

• Approach all potential relationships with the expectation that he will meet your children early on. I know this causes most single mothers some anxiety, but this anxiety should influence your selection process. You cannot hide the fact that you're a mother nor should you keep your responsibilities as a mom hidden from your potential suitor. It would be nice if every time he wanted to see you, you could stop, drop and roll into his arms. But that's not the real world for single moms and he needs to get the right impression UP FRONT of what it means to date a woman with children. Don't let the fear of "scaring him off" cause you to push your children into the background when they should remain in the foreground of your decisions.

• Be accountable to your children.  Knowing that the man you're dealing with must meet your children around the same time he meets you raises the level of accountability in your life. You're far more likely to continue your involvement with the wrong man if you keep your relationship hidden and secret from your children. Holding yourself accountable to only dealing with men you feel comfortable having around your children ultimately keeps your children's safety and well being as top priority.

• Look for red flags early. Now that you've introduced your children to the man you're dating, this is the time to open your eyes and ears for red flags. You're no longer interested in being wined, dined and seduced only; you're making better observations of the man you're potentially giving access to your heart and to your children. Does he make excuses and cancel when it's time to spend time with you and your children but he has all the time in the world when you have a babysitter? Do your children appear to be uncomfortable around him? Does he seem uncomfortable around your children, or annoyed? Now's the time to make a mental note of these warning signs and make wise decisions for yourself and children.

I know there are plenty of moms and dads who would disagree with bringing children into dating relationships early on and understandably so. But if we're honest, most of the people we have dated in the past weren't worth OUR time, let alone our children's. At no point have I said that a mom or a dad should leave their children alone with someone that they haven't gotten to know well.
That is a given!

The take away is that moms (and dads too) should be spending time with men and women who are worthy of meeting their children. Anyone who cannot be introduced to a child is a waste of time! We're not talking about sleepovers and trips to the barbershop alone with your new "possi-boo". We're simply talking about an introduction and everyone sitting down together in the same room, not spending excessive amounts of time with your children. But the person you're dating shouldn't be a mystery to anyone, especially your children.

If the thought of this strikes fear and terror in your heart, then you must ask yourself why you're dealing with that person in the first place.

And for those who say that children shouldn't have to deal with men and women coming in and out of their lives, I would agree. But why should mommy or daddy have men and women coming in and out of their own lives?

 Is bouncing from one relationship to the next healthy behavior?

After that last example I gave, I pretty much brought my foray into the dating world to a close. It's not that I have no desire to meet someone because I do. But I have no desire to have someone who isn't worthy of ALL of us, in my life.

Single moms, you and your children are a family, complete with routines, schedules and traditions. Any potential suitor is welcomed to be a part of that schedule and routine.

But he should NOT be welcome to change it.

When it comes to a single mom dating, everyone, especially the children, should have a say early on.

How do you feel about children being a part of the dating process early on?

I Like You...And I Won't Call You Back.

I am constantly thinking. One of the many thoughts that travel through my mind on a daily is basis is somehow making sense of this tricky situation that is male and female relationships. Why does it have to be so complicated?!
Well, I'm not saying that I have men all figured out, but I can say that I do believe I stumbled across some helpful insights that I don't mind sharing.
As I reviewed my past patterns in love, they all shared a similar quality: total complete media blitz on my part.
Let me explain...
It's true that when you're in love or even at a strong like stage in a relationship, the immediate urge is to talk to that person constantly, whether it is by phone, email, text, or rented blimp. Who doesn't like the high of being in love? Who doesn't just love it when his ringtone starts blaring in the middle of a conversation with your single and frustrated girlfriends?! We LIVE for such moments. Well, I know I did!
As far as I was concerned, I did all the right things. I was available. I sent loving text messages and occasionally, the racy email to help my beloved make it through his day with passionate thoughts of me. When he called, I cooed in his ear about how I just couldn't wait to see him again and if there was any way possible to sneak a moment alone with him, we should both try to make it happen. I put on quite a show and made an excellent case in defense of my good girlfriend trial.
So why wasn't it enough?
Why did it seem as if he liked me more when I treated him worse?
Why did most of the men I ever dated in my life appear to be more enamored with me when I was less-than-happy to be around them?
I've heard many explanations as to why some men seem to be more attracted to mean girls. Some have gone so far as to say that men like to hunt and chase so a woman that gives them some work to do is obviously their first pick over the woman who lays herself in his trap.
But I think it goes even a little deeper than that.
Truth is, some of us have made it well past the fun and games, dating stage and have been involved with some men for several months or even years. Why isn't it working out for us? What are we doing wrong?
I wouldn't necessarily call it "wrong", but here's something to consider.
The wise older women often tell us youngins "Don't make a man your everything". Slowly but surely, we're starting to get it. But this isn't a anthem of independence from men that they were encouraging. No, not at all. Instead, it was an anthem for showing a man you truly understand what it means to be a mate. Think of it this way...
First thing a lot of women tend to do when they enter into a committed relationship is drop friends, family, goals, hobbies and everything else that consumes time like hot rocks. Rarely do men do this initially. He's often pressured into doing so by overly zealous girlfriends who have a whole lot of chips in on this relationship and aren't about to watch a man not put in a fair wager. When a man thinks of a woman, he doesn't think of her as his life, but merely an important part of it. That is in no way an insult and the sooner we learn that as women, the better. What in fact is the insult is leaving the world your man found you in all behind and telling him that he must now shoulder the load of building a world for you.
That is indeed selfish.
I know many of us were taught all our lives that we were supposed to drop everything that ever mattered to us for the sake of a man but I'm here to tell ya, "SOMEBODY LIED"!! The first thing we do after a breakup is try to find the life we dropped somewhere in the distance. We do our best to patch things up with friends and relatives we blew off and dismissed. Some relationships are resilient enough to bounce back, and others, unfortunately, were sacrificed for the sake of the failed relationship.
Am I telling us women not to love our men hard and love them passionately? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we need to change the dialogue in our head and recognize that leaving yourself behind and then expecting someone you love to redefine you is unfair and eventually, may cause them to walk away.
The first thing I want to do when my relationship is fresh and new or riding a passionately loving high is call and text him constantly.
No more.
 He doesn't suffer from short term memory loss. If there's nothing medically wrong with him, he's not going to forget you exist between visits. It's not necessary to make your presence known in every aspect of his day. As a matter of fact, why not show him that you are confident in yourself and happy with your own life by living it? Yes, I said LIVE. Why did you stop going out for drinks with your girls? Why don't you talk to your best friend anymore? Sure, relationships take time to grow and be nurtured but a man should be able to see the life you were living BEFORE he arrived. Stop making so many drastic changes for the sake of a relationship. It's the equivalent of renting a UHaul, packing up and moving your entire house just because someone said they wanted to be with you. Makes no sense, right? So why pack up the people, places and things that you love just because someone said they'd like to be with you? It is possible to love someone without losing everything that makes you YOU. It is possible to love generously without shortchanging everyone else in your life who matters to you.
If families could be honest with you, some would tell you straight up that they HATE when you find a man because you kick them to the curb and they barely recognize who you are because of how you change everything about your life for that man.
Change can be good but there's no reason to change the things in your life that have helped hold you together.
Next time you feel the urge to send ten back to back sweet nothing texts to your boo in the middle of his work day or keep him up til 2 am when you know you both have an early start, put the phone down and turn out the light.
Trust that love doesn't need you to be its PR person. It's strong enough to last even when you're not talking, texting or seeing him.
Get some rest. Live your life. Stop making him your everything. The message you're sending isn't that you love him. What you're actually telling him is that you believe that you contain everything he could ever need to be happy and likewise, he must be the same for you.
I like the fellowship and joy of hanging with my girlfriends, my family and my hobbies. No longer do I expect a man to replace those things.
We should both embrace those things within each other.