Me, My Boyfriend & His Baby Mama Pt 2

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B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A!

Ok. Now that I have your attention. lol!
Isn't it funny how two little words can evoke so many different emotions all at once?! 
Be sure to check out Part 1 here of the girlfriend's perspective if you missed it.  Today, we're addressing baby mama's perspective.

So baby mama, your former boyfriend, fiancee or husband has moved on and found someone new. While most evolved women would say this is a non issue to them, the truth is that it has created challenges for many women. While it feels like everyone thinks you're a drama queen, it's not too often that the parties involved pause to consider your point of view.

What are the top things that "baby mamas" contend with?

1. Being pre-judged. Almost instantly, it is assumed that any negativity that arises in a co-parenting arrangement originates from you. Being pre-judged only makes your stress level and attitude WORSE.

2. Lack of communication. Communicating with the father of your children can be difficult, particularly when his significant other doesn't approve. This only compounds the issues that creep into the co-parenting arrangement.

3. Unresolved issues.Whatever caused the romantic relationship your shared with the father of your children to crash and burn is often never properly resolved. The fact that the two of you have not dealt with your past issues tends to haunt you both throughout the co-parenting experience.

4. We may not share a bed, but we do share a responsibility!  It's one thing to be told when to call and when not to come by because of his new relationship, and it's another when he doesn't seem to pick up the burden of responsibility on his own, now that you've backed off. It can be very frustrating and create tension between everyone involved.

I could go on and on about the things that "baby mamas" deal with and go through. So, what's a baby mama to do when she's dealing with the father of her children and his "new woman"?

1. Don't be petty. Sounds simple, right? Well, far too many of us aren't getting the memo. It may be true that his girlfriend/wife/fiancee disrespected you the last time you tried to call him but bringing that up in conversation now only makes baby daddy that much more inclined to ignore your calls. It's imperative that you stay focused on purpose of your call and the need of your child and resist the urge to be petty. You may only get one shot to talk to this man so please, make it count and keep it to the point.

2. So what he has a girlfriend! It's really not that serious. It's not critical that you meet his new woman, particularly if he nor she desires to meet you. Forcing the issue will only add to the animosity. Don't work yourself up with thoughts of your child being in harm's way around a complete stranger. It's dad's responsibility to make sure the kids are safe while on his watch. If you doubt his ability to do this, then you need to take that to court. But don't take it into your own hands to try to manage what goes on in his house. That's way more involvement than you need.  You will have your chance in the future to meet his new woman, particularly if she's a permanent part of his life. But don't force issue. Just keep your heart open to the opportunity to meet her when it comes so that you'll be ready for it with the right attitude.

3. Watch your mouth. Don't sabotage your own co-parenting situation by running off at the mouth around your kids about their father and his new woman. Parenting is for grown up's. Put your big girl pants on and keep quiet. A soft answer turns away wrath.

 Not everyone shares the same experience in co parenting or being a single parent, I understand.
But just like any relationship, a co-parenting relationship will shift, change and grow over time. What's tense today may not be so bad a year from now so be patient!

The goal is never to try to change anyone else but to look inwardly and self evaluate. Your children have two imperfect parents who love them. The important thing is that you both continue to try your best for them.

 Day by day, God will give you the wisdom and grace you need to handle any situation that comes your way, including how to handle your baby daddy and his "lady friend". *wink*

Check back for part 3 where I will address the man in between these two dueling women: Baby Daddy.

Me, My Boyfriend and His "Baby Mama"...

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Welcome to the wonderfully convoluted world of co-parenting! If one doesn't know what to expect going in, they may find themselves dealing with some very negative situations and feelings that hurt both their co-parenting relationship and their children.

 I've been on both sides of the coin. I used to be the woman dating the guy who had a child. Then I became the woman who had children with the guy who already had a child.

I want to talk about the "girlfriend" perspective for a moment; the woman who's dating a man who has a child outside of his relationship with her.

There's nothing quite as challenging as having a man you're head over heels in love with but he still has a very active tie to his past via his child(ren)'s mom. Unfortunately, many girlfriends put on a brave face through courtship and engagement, but at some point, how she really feels slips out and it's usually not pretty.

Here's what I'd like to tell you. It's natural to feel somewhat threatened by the mother of your significant other's child. The wrong thing to do is make subtle and overt attempts to distance the child from his/her mother so that you can enjoy what looks to be a "perfect family picture". Spoiling his child and trying to win them over with gifts and activities so that they enjoy your company more than the mother's company is manipulative.

That would be the wrong move, not to mention selfish.

What you should do is place yourself, even if for a moment, in another woman's pumps.

Let's just say that you and your significant other have children together. If, God forbid, the relationship went south, how would it feel if another woman entered your ex's life, started wanting your child to call her "mama" and trying to influence the child to move in with her and your ex as soon as she was legally old enough to do so?

Don't worry girl... I can see the veins popping in your forehead from here. Remember that perfect family picture I mentioned earlier? Go ahead and wipe that out of your mind. Your family dynamic will forever be different because the love of your life has a child with another woman. Unless something tragic happens, that child will remain outside of your household and therefore, you must accept that at least for you, the dream of having a traditional relationship with only you and your man to deal with is not going to happen. Shake the fairytales quickly.

Here's some key things to keep in mind when dating a man who has children:

1. There are two sides to every story concerning his past with his child's mother. Trust and believe that he's going to give you the most unpleasant side so that you won't feel threatened. But the truth is, there weren't all bad days, thus their having a child or children together. There's no side to take when it comes to your man and his child's mother. Keep the responsibility of both parties in mind, and that's the wellbeing of the child. You're not there to judge his past or hers so don't get dragged into the middle by either party.

2. If you go into the situation thinking the mother of his children is the bad guy, you'll have a hard time shaking this image, no matter what she does. Be leery of men who are always speaking negatively about the mother of their children. Why? Here comes #3...

3. Unless you are physically unable to bear children, always keep in mind that the woman he has a child with now you could very well be in her shoes one day. We'd all like to live happily ever after, but the truth is some relationships don't make it. It's important to see how a man handles situations in life that aren't always ideal. It takes an extraordinary amount of maturity to co-parent and do so respectfully. If your man has nothing good to say about the mother of  his children all the time, just remember, "She could one day be ME. Do I want to be disrespected like this?" The true test of a man's character isn't in how he deals with people he likes but how he deals with people he's no longer on the best of terms with. In your mind, you may feel his criticism is justified, based on his information to you and your limited observations. But again, keep in mind that it's important to see how a man handles a situation where two people aren't on the best of terms, particularly when children are involved. Can he remain respectful and still hold to his parental duties? Keep your eyes and ears open.

4. You cannot erase his past. That means, you cannot make the mom go away and you can't try to find subtle ways to erase her from the life of your man also. It takes maturity and self confidence to date a man with children. If you need every last drop of a man's attention, you may want to reconsider dating a man with children. The last thing you want to do is resent a woman you don't know or children you did not give birth to. It is true that some co-parenting relationships do not have good boundaries. But this is just as much his fault as it is the mother's. Do not tolerate disrespect. If you feel that he isn't able to keep his relationship with the mother of his children appropriate, then you may need to consider walking away for your own dignity's sake.

5. Keep in mind, it's just as hard for him to try to be a good father to his child outside of his relationship as it is for you to deal with it. Because of his choices, he now has two or more women in his life that he must find a way to engage and respect without offending any of them to the detriment of his child or children. Sounds like a tight rope, right? You can make it easier if you keep the right attitude. Support him being a father to his children and spending quality time with them. Commend him when he is respectful of his children's mother. Respect for her is NOT disrespect of you! Again, keep in mind "she is me" when you want to fly off the handle and become offended. All it takes to become her is a pregnancy and a break up. You want any children that come into the relationship to feel and receive love from everyone, including you.

In part 2, I'll  give the "baby mama's" point of view. You don't want to miss it!

Have you had negative experiences dating a man with children?