It's been about four months since I put my life in drive and decided to move forward. It wasn't an easy decision to permanently end all future involvement with the father of my children. I was hopeful many days that things would turn out differently. There were equally as many days spent denying the truth that I knew and could plainly see.
My heart is healing. It doesn't hurt as much as it did four months ago.
I'm halfway ok with the new "girlfriend". I've never met her and it's just as well, but I have to hear about her after my children return from their visitation.
That sucks. But it's not as painful as it was.
My greatest comfort has come in knowing that I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even him.
I am single and that's ok. I'm in no hurry to get into a new relationship just to prove a point. Life is about more than proving points.
What I am thinking about is my assignment: what God put me here to do.
I'm not willing to compromise that for any man ever again.
That's the biggest takeaway lesson of all.
Nothing and no one should be worth your missing God over.
Anything that makes you willing or capable of abandoning the will of God for your life doesn't need to be in your life.
I learned that the hard way.
I spent 6 years trying to build a relationship that was not meant to be.
I should have been doing what God called me to do.
Now at 34, I feel as if I'm still young enough to accomplish a lot in life but way too old to have lived as long as I lived.
It's mind boggling just how much time can be wasted in relationships. We look up and we have gray hair.
We look up and our children are in school.
We look up and realize that we've been stuck on hold indefinitely and no one's coming back to the phone.
It's time to hang up and live.
There is certainly grace for every place. The good days outweigh the bad ones. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm excited about the future that awaits my children and me.
There's no time to waste.
I'm ready to live the life God intended for me to live.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Reality Check...
My children are quite fascinating in that they both share a characteristic that appears to be common in small children. They have a hard time distinguishing between what is real and what isn't. When it comes to their various cartoons and educational programs on tv that involve animated characters, they are completely ignited by these images to the point they begin to speak of these cartoon characters as if they could walk up to them, greet them and meet them in person. I have spent many a day (and still do) explaining to my children that while these images are fascinating and fun, they are not REAL.
It can be a challenge explaining to two small children that something they can see and hear isn't real. As a matter of fact, they still don't totally believe it! After all, sight and sound are powerfully persuasive. But the fact remains that no matter how many times they hear the voice of their favorite characters and see them move on their tv screens, they are not real.
There are plenty of things in our lives presenting themselves as real. We can see it and even hear it. However, these things that we see and hear do not align themselves with the Word of God. They contradict our faith. Anything that contradicts your faith isn't real. It is fake.
I don't care how animated or loud it is. Our reality is based on the Word of God, the preceeding Word from the very mouth of God! It isn't what we see and hear around us that leads us, or rather, should lead us. But it is what we see and hear by the Word of God that is real.
The next time something presents itself to you and causes you to doubt the promises of God spoken over your life, remember the lesson I'm trying to teach my children. Just because you can hear and see something doesn't make it real. If it's not of God and from God, it's not real.
It can be a challenge explaining to two small children that something they can see and hear isn't real. As a matter of fact, they still don't totally believe it! After all, sight and sound are powerfully persuasive. But the fact remains that no matter how many times they hear the voice of their favorite characters and see them move on their tv screens, they are not real.
There are plenty of things in our lives presenting themselves as real. We can see it and even hear it. However, these things that we see and hear do not align themselves with the Word of God. They contradict our faith. Anything that contradicts your faith isn't real. It is fake.
I don't care how animated or loud it is. Our reality is based on the Word of God, the preceeding Word from the very mouth of God! It isn't what we see and hear around us that leads us, or rather, should lead us. But it is what we see and hear by the Word of God that is real.
The next time something presents itself to you and causes you to doubt the promises of God spoken over your life, remember the lesson I'm trying to teach my children. Just because you can hear and see something doesn't make it real. If it's not of God and from God, it's not real.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Goodness, Gracious!
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever..." Psalms 23:6
I've heard this scripture verse many times over. It has given reassurance to me that one day, I will arrive at a place where I will most assuredly see Goodness and Mercy right on my heels, make everything wonderfully rosy in my life.
Hmm.
But what happens when you look at your life, whether in the past or present, and see trial after trial, challenge after challenge, hardship after hardship?
What happens when goodness and mercy looks more like Heartache and Misery when you glance over your shoulder?
What do you say when you can't see goodness and mercy behind you?
I say, with all assurance, look again.
I've had to do this in my own life, even recently.
Sure, I've faced some challenges and set backs. There were days that tears filled my eyes and discouragement wanted to put an end to me. There were many times I prayed and when I opened my eyes, everything looked the same, hell still felt like hell and pain still felt like pain. There were days I woke up frustrated and went to sleep frustrated. Nothing in my life looked like it was improving or changing.
Where was goodness and mercy then?
Here's what I missed for so long...
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow ME..."
I'm not following goodness and mercy, but goodness and mercy is following me. That means I must take some ownership over where I am and where I find myself. The steps of a good man or woman are ordered by God but I must allow Him to do so. However, even if I wander off on the wrong road; even if after a series of bad judgement calls, weighty consequences and bought lessons I find myself in a space I never would have predicted for myself, I can rest assured that even in these spaces, Goodness and Mercy followed me there and will continue to follow me, all the days of my life.
Goodness and Mercy are following you, wherever you go.
That means, yes, as much as we'd all like to make the right choices all the time, we sometimes do not. But we can rest assured that we are never alone, even in our wrong. Goodness and Mercy are there. The goodness of God speaks to His nature; His mercy speaks to His heart. No matter what happens to you, His mercy endures forever toward you. You never have to worry about facing an angry and merciless God. His mercy endures forever. His hand is upon you for good. His grace removes all excuses from your life. Grace doesn't remove us from the pig pen, it destroys the pig pen! No more wallowing in our shame and our mistakes. Grace wipes the slate clean and says, "Where are your accusers? Go your way and sin no more". Grace, when received into the life of a believer, keeps mistakes from ruining our lives. There was a period in time when the mistakes of humanity could not be overcome. Sacrifices of bulls and goats were offered up, scape goats were sent into the wilderness carrying the sins of the people. We often look to these shadows as God's righteous judgement not being satisfied with animal sacrifices. That is true. But if we struggle to overcome feelings of unworthiness and condemnation with the BLOOD OF JESUS, imagine the pain of those who have gone before us who after giving their valuable livestock for sacrifice still walked away empty inside, riddled with guilt and shame.
Jesus died not just to cleanse us from sin but to free us from guilt and condemnation.
What good is His sacrifice if we still approach God with feelings of guilt and shame? It doesn't matter how much He suffered, bled and died for us and how His sacrifice is once and for us all if we do not understand Grace.
Those who carry guilt and shame also carry a deep need to be justified.
Remember the fig leaves?
Goodness and mercy were in the Garden of Eden and passed Adam and Eve two garments made of animal skins to replace their failed attempt at covering up their nakedness.
That alone should tell us God isn't interested in our being shamed. He covers us with robes of righteousness and lifts our head. Goodness and mercy came following after Adam and Eve, even when they were running from it.
So when you feel like giving up, keep going. Why?
Goodness and mercy is right behind you and no matter where you go or where you find yourself, they will always be there for you.
Always.
I've heard this scripture verse many times over. It has given reassurance to me that one day, I will arrive at a place where I will most assuredly see Goodness and Mercy right on my heels, make everything wonderfully rosy in my life.
Hmm.
But what happens when you look at your life, whether in the past or present, and see trial after trial, challenge after challenge, hardship after hardship?
What happens when goodness and mercy looks more like Heartache and Misery when you glance over your shoulder?
What do you say when you can't see goodness and mercy behind you?
I say, with all assurance, look again.
I've had to do this in my own life, even recently.
Sure, I've faced some challenges and set backs. There were days that tears filled my eyes and discouragement wanted to put an end to me. There were many times I prayed and when I opened my eyes, everything looked the same, hell still felt like hell and pain still felt like pain. There were days I woke up frustrated and went to sleep frustrated. Nothing in my life looked like it was improving or changing.
Where was goodness and mercy then?
Here's what I missed for so long...
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow ME..."
I'm not following goodness and mercy, but goodness and mercy is following me. That means I must take some ownership over where I am and where I find myself. The steps of a good man or woman are ordered by God but I must allow Him to do so. However, even if I wander off on the wrong road; even if after a series of bad judgement calls, weighty consequences and bought lessons I find myself in a space I never would have predicted for myself, I can rest assured that even in these spaces, Goodness and Mercy followed me there and will continue to follow me, all the days of my life.
Goodness and Mercy are following you, wherever you go.
That means, yes, as much as we'd all like to make the right choices all the time, we sometimes do not. But we can rest assured that we are never alone, even in our wrong. Goodness and Mercy are there. The goodness of God speaks to His nature; His mercy speaks to His heart. No matter what happens to you, His mercy endures forever toward you. You never have to worry about facing an angry and merciless God. His mercy endures forever. His hand is upon you for good. His grace removes all excuses from your life. Grace doesn't remove us from the pig pen, it destroys the pig pen! No more wallowing in our shame and our mistakes. Grace wipes the slate clean and says, "Where are your accusers? Go your way and sin no more". Grace, when received into the life of a believer, keeps mistakes from ruining our lives. There was a period in time when the mistakes of humanity could not be overcome. Sacrifices of bulls and goats were offered up, scape goats were sent into the wilderness carrying the sins of the people. We often look to these shadows as God's righteous judgement not being satisfied with animal sacrifices. That is true. But if we struggle to overcome feelings of unworthiness and condemnation with the BLOOD OF JESUS, imagine the pain of those who have gone before us who after giving their valuable livestock for sacrifice still walked away empty inside, riddled with guilt and shame.
Jesus died not just to cleanse us from sin but to free us from guilt and condemnation.
What good is His sacrifice if we still approach God with feelings of guilt and shame? It doesn't matter how much He suffered, bled and died for us and how His sacrifice is once and for us all if we do not understand Grace.
Those who carry guilt and shame also carry a deep need to be justified.
Remember the fig leaves?
Goodness and mercy were in the Garden of Eden and passed Adam and Eve two garments made of animal skins to replace their failed attempt at covering up their nakedness.
That alone should tell us God isn't interested in our being shamed. He covers us with robes of righteousness and lifts our head. Goodness and mercy came following after Adam and Eve, even when they were running from it.
So when you feel like giving up, keep going. Why?
Goodness and mercy is right behind you and no matter where you go or where you find yourself, they will always be there for you.
Always.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Talking To Myself...
I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence. If the arithmetic is simple enough, I can handle it. I can form a complete sentence. I go about the care of my children and my home fairly well. But here lately, the Holy Spirit has been bringing things to me that I've simply overlooked or not known at all.
I wrote last year that I endured years of verbal abuse while in relationships with different men. That much you know.
That much I know.
As I sit here, on the other side of those storms, grateful to be out alive and thankful to still be in my right mind, I wondered why I still continued to struggle internally with so many thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.
What's wrong with me?
I know I'm not ugly, even though I was called that many times.
I know someone will want me and love me the way I deserve to be loved one day, even though I was told that would never happen many times.
So why, after all these years in some cases, and these months in others, do I still struggle? Why do I still feel less than free?
Then it occurred to me...
Voids in our lives can be just as painful as what we've placed in them to fill them.
What do I mean?
So you remove the negative relationship with its verbal and/or physical abuse..
But what do you put in its place?
You see, words do have power. The creative power of God was made manifest in the words He spoke.
Did you hear what I just wrote?
The creative power of God wasn't realized until He SPOKE.
His Word has the power to create what He desired. My GOD!
While I had removed the damaging words from my life, I had not replaced them with words with the power to CREATE the me I want to see!
I was silent.
I said nothing to the woman in the mirror who was diminished and battered by words on a mission to destroy her.
Day after day, I stared at what was left of me, not realizing that within me was the ability to create a new me.
The Word of God is quick and powerful... that means the Word of God is ALIVE. If I speak His Word, that power is transferred to me!
It may sound weird or even a little crazy but I'm going to start talking to myself.
If that's crazy, try walking around in a life that is based on someone else's words and living in defeat because of it!
Which is crazier?
Whenever you remove something, you must replace it with something better. That's why when so many people leave tumultuous relationships, they find themselves gravitating to another tumultuous relationship. When someone calls you a demeaning name, it's not enough to say, "It doesn't matter". You must reaffirm yourself vigorously. It's the equivalent of someone who has a cold sneezing on you. Unless you take immediate steps to sterilize yourself, you will become infected.
When you remove something from your life, a void is created. Unfortunately, that void has energy and will attract whatever will fit into it to satisfy its need to be filled.
Christ Jesus is the perfect fit but you must be diligent and know that so many other things desire to enter your life wherever there are voids.
I want His Word to consume me until He fills every empty space.
I wrote last year that I endured years of verbal abuse while in relationships with different men. That much you know.
That much I know.
As I sit here, on the other side of those storms, grateful to be out alive and thankful to still be in my right mind, I wondered why I still continued to struggle internally with so many thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.
What's wrong with me?
I know I'm not ugly, even though I was called that many times.
I know someone will want me and love me the way I deserve to be loved one day, even though I was told that would never happen many times.
So why, after all these years in some cases, and these months in others, do I still struggle? Why do I still feel less than free?
Then it occurred to me...
Voids in our lives can be just as painful as what we've placed in them to fill them.
What do I mean?
So you remove the negative relationship with its verbal and/or physical abuse..
But what do you put in its place?
You see, words do have power. The creative power of God was made manifest in the words He spoke.
Did you hear what I just wrote?
The creative power of God wasn't realized until He SPOKE.
His Word has the power to create what He desired. My GOD!
While I had removed the damaging words from my life, I had not replaced them with words with the power to CREATE the me I want to see!
I was silent.
I said nothing to the woman in the mirror who was diminished and battered by words on a mission to destroy her.
Day after day, I stared at what was left of me, not realizing that within me was the ability to create a new me.
The Word of God is quick and powerful... that means the Word of God is ALIVE. If I speak His Word, that power is transferred to me!
It may sound weird or even a little crazy but I'm going to start talking to myself.
If that's crazy, try walking around in a life that is based on someone else's words and living in defeat because of it!
Which is crazier?
Whenever you remove something, you must replace it with something better. That's why when so many people leave tumultuous relationships, they find themselves gravitating to another tumultuous relationship. When someone calls you a demeaning name, it's not enough to say, "It doesn't matter". You must reaffirm yourself vigorously. It's the equivalent of someone who has a cold sneezing on you. Unless you take immediate steps to sterilize yourself, you will become infected.
When you remove something from your life, a void is created. Unfortunately, that void has energy and will attract whatever will fit into it to satisfy its need to be filled.
Christ Jesus is the perfect fit but you must be diligent and know that so many other things desire to enter your life wherever there are voids.
I want His Word to consume me until He fills every empty space.
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