Will You Marry Me?

I have so much to talk about! Where do I begin? It's my fault for taking three days to update. I'm really trying to do better at blogging. Hang in there with me everyone! It's my goal to eventually have daily updates.

So many things are happening in our world today. I'm a very opinionated woman but the older I get, the more I realize the worth of my opinion. It's one thing to have an opinion and it's another thing to share it. The last thing I want to be is a gossip or mean spirited. So although there's PLENTY to chew the fat about, I often find myself silent.

Thinking before you speak is a discipline that should improve with age. I know there are some older folks who feel as if age grants them license to speak their whole mind but I don't agree with that. I think age should give a person even greater pause. Words have power. They are spirit. They have the power to transform. So it's imperative that we take and choose our words carefully. 

Since it's wedding season, I want to take a moment to talk about weddings and engagements from a single mom's perspective. Although I'm unmarried and have never been married, that doesn't mean that I haven't come close to walking down the aisle with a couple of men. The first serious relationship where we were actually engaged took place when I was 19 years old. That relationship lasted for eight years. The primary reason that relationship didn't work out was because I grew up and he was 15 years my senior. So, one day when you feel like discussing the topic of, "Should I Date An Older Man?", I got you! Been there and done it.

Thankfully, that relationship was built on a foundation of friendship which made it extremely difficult to say good-bye. It's one thing to walk away from a romance and another to walk away from a confidante. 

That hurt. 

Every now and then we still reach out to each other, seven years after our break up. I care deeply for his family and as I mentioned to him the last time we spoke by phone, "You're more like an ex husband than an ex boyfriend or fiancee". We lived together. Shared bills. Shared tears. Had a pregnancy scare...or two. He was there in sickness and health. We laughed and joked together. I prepared his meals, he washed my clothes.We celebrated holidays and birthdays together. We were everything but happy together.

And that's why I decided to call it quits. 

Fast forward to my last relationship, which was my children's father. This relationship could not be compared to the one before it, primarily because it did not begin as a friendship. Our physical involvement began way earlier than the previous relationship and this time, I got pregnant...

Twice.

I'm not a bitter baby mama who can't admit that she ever loved the father of her children. I did and I still do, although differently than before. He represented freedom and liberation to me. For the first time I felt like a woman, a real, big, voluptuous, curvaceous, hot as fire woman. He affirmed it each time he desired me. I ate it up like icecream and cake. But that's the bad part of having a junk food relationship. It tastes good while you're eating it but it won't nourish you or help you grow.

When my soul needed more, he couldn't give it. When I needed a confidante, he couldn't be trusted. When I did give him my secrets, they were hurled back at me like daggers in arguments he knew he was losing. I came to realize that although my body was satisfied, my soul had to retreat and protect herself from this man. He never once asked or cared about my talents, hobbies or interests. Sometimes, he didn't even care if I was physically satisfied or not. Before too long, I began to realize that this relationship was one sided and it wasn't on my side. I loved our children and felt like I owed it to them to try. I tried hard. We lived together, we fought, we cried, we apologized, we moved back in together, we fought some more, and it never got better. Honor was missing. As much as he claimed to love me, I never felt honored. We never went anywhere together. We'd both get off work on Fridays and while I'd be completely caught up in the children, he'd be dressed in his fly gear, getting ready to go "hang out" most of the night. When I say most of the night, please understand this wasn't 2-4 hours. If he left at 5pm, I wouldn't see him again til 4 a.m., and that was his idea of coming home early. However, when I asked him could he and I go out, his answer was, "We don't have the money to go out". I wasn't fancy. I was willing to sit in the dining room of Wendy's if it meant a chance to dress up a little and go out with my man. That didn't happen. 

Where was the honor?

No compliments. When I asked him why he'd never compliment me, he told me, "I shouldn't have to tell you that you look good. You should already know". Really? Is that how it works? lol!

Marriage was always a goal of mine. I don't get into relationships to be casual. Once I hit 30, I was serious about settling my happy behind down with somebody. I've done the dating multiple guys thing. I'd had my fill. I was ready to settle in and be a family and my hope was that with enough time and if my presentation was on point enough, he'd buy in to my dream.

So I cooked, cleaned, ironed his work uniforms, I was his personal alarm clock every morning, gave him gas and lunch money when he asked for it (which was often), gave it up when he asked for it and unlocked the door for him like a good little "wifey" when he came strolling home smelling like liquor and beer at 4 a.m.

But I had a man! That's all that mattered, right?

Nothing's perfect. All relationships take work. There's going to be problems anywhere you go and with any man you meet. These are the things I told myself, week after week, and night after night as I sat up waiting for him to come home, hoping he was simply "hangin with the guys" as he told me.I told myself that if I'd just hang in there with him and be a good little wifey, my patience and long suffering would one day pay off and be rewarded with a wedding ring.

Whenever I brought up the subject of marriage, his agitation could barely be concealed. He gave terse answers and sharply said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore". Marriage was my goal, but was it his? I wanted it to be his. I wanted him to want me and to love me. I wanted him to honor me as the mother of his children. I was the only one in our house who had a different last name.

Can't we all just have the same last name?

Please?

The last and final time we broke up (Aug 2010) was far less dramatic and traumatic than previous breakup's had been but I've learned so much since then. We toyed with the possibility of reconciling. I even prayed and fasted that we'd see a turn around in our relationship.

But at the end of the day, I still believe that God sets before us doors and allows us to choose which ones we'll walk through.

There's some things that God won't interfere with and one of those things is the character and integrity a man or a woman chooses to cultivate and live by. God can use anybody but your character & integrity determines exactly what and how much He can use you to do.

After thinking about that long and hard, I realized that as much as I wanted a husband, a family, and matching last names, I didn't want it at any cost. The memory of waiting up all night was emblazoned in my mind. What do you do when the man you're with just wants to crash at your house but doesn't want to live there? He wants to sleep til 12 noon, get up, and be gone all day and return at 11 pm or later? How is that a happy home? 

Why do I want someone who doesn't want me?

Why do I want someone who would even hesitate at the offer to spend the rest of his life with me?

I used to believe in women giving men ultimatums but I've since changed my opinion. 

I believe that every woman who reaches the point where she feels the need to give an ultimatum to a man needs to turn around and give one to HERSELF. How long are YOU going to let this continue? How long will YOUR silence be consent? How long until you say enough is enough? How long until you accept that you deserve to be honored and demand to be treated with respect? How long until you reward disrespect and dishonor with your absence?

No man will ever have to worry about me asking him when are we going to get married. 

If I have to ask...

I can't say that I'm ready to date again or if I even want to. I'm very much interested in cultivating a solid friendship with someone new. My soul longs for that type of connection. That's the thing that people don't tell you while they're out there running around being hot in the tail. 

But I'll tell you and I'll be honest about it.

I don't care how good the sex is and how loud he can make you scream...

It sucks not having someone to pillow talk with. 

It sucks not having someone to bounce ideas off of.

It sucks not having someone who will celebrate your successes and comfort you through your failures.

It sucks feeling all alone while sitting next to your man.

It sucks not knowing where you stand with him...ever.

It sucks having to ask for compliments and the empty feeling that comes when he offers it half heartedly ONLY because you asked.

It sucks not being able to trust him with your secrets because when he gets mad, he throws it back at you.

It sucks knowing that someone else probably has your man's heart.

It sucks to daily lay your pride and dignity down as payment for a man's company.

That's what they DON'T tell you when they're running around acting like characters in Sex In the City. 

They don't show you what REALLY happens... or how it all can really make you feel.

After going through all of that, I value friendship so much more than anything else. Even if a marriage never transpires, who couldn't use a friend for life? Who's life wouldn't be improved by the presence of a faithful friend, there through thick and thin, hospital visits, and bouts with the flu. 

It's better to make a friend before you become romantically involved with a man than to try to find the friend in that man that may not even be there once you do become intimate.

So we'll see! I've got two little children who are my responsibility to raise properly. As I've stated before, we are already a family. We're not looking to become a family with the help of any man. He'd simply JOIN our family, already in progress. :)

It's possible that my future love interest will have a child or children of his own. In today's society, that's to be expected and highly likely in my age bracket. Either way we go, whether he's learning to love and accept only my children or we're learning to love and accept each others', it will take work.
Work doesn't scare me.
Unwilling workers scare me.

Preschool's Out For The Summer!

Hey gang! Sorry it's been a few days since I last blogged but life is a tad bit busier around my house now. The babies are home with me for the summer and boy is it DIFFERENT! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my little ones, but preschool did give me 8 hours of free time. Now, that's about 1.5 hrs, if everyone gets a nap.
I've been doing some thinking also. If you follow me on twitter then you've seen my ode to my dream mom cave.  I live in a modest sized home of 3 bedrooms & two bathrooms. Mom and I each have our own rooms while the children share a bedroom. There's no den or basement so that leaves a large "family room" that no one sits in. The reason no one uses this 18'X20 (it may actually be even bigger than that... don't have the measurements in front of me) is because I've desired a formal living room for YEARS.
Back in 2004 when I purchased my current living room furniture, I was single and SOLO; no kids, no man and no problem keeping my ornate investment in tact. And then came Matthew in 2006... and 19 months later, his sister, Caitlyn.
When I was seven months pregnant with Cait, I purchased the home we're living in now and to be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of thought put into the design element of our new space. The first three years felt like we were still apartment dwellers. It wasn't until last year that I decided I wanted to take a stab at making my this space my own.
The first room I tackled was the living room/family room. After all, it was already fully furnished. All it really needed was some well placed throw pillows and curtains, right? RIGHT?
Wrong.
I'm ready to admit defeat now.
I think it was the Nate Berkus show that helped but there was a dad on the show who was part of a large blended family. As large as the family was, their space was premium but this didn't deter him from reserving for himself a "man cave". Ouch. lol!
As much as I would LOVE to have a "mom cave" I realize that's next to impossible to achieve with small children. I also realize that although we're no longer crammed into an apartment, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be making full use of the space we do have.
An ornate, untouchable living room may be Southern, but it just ain't working for me.
So here's what I'm thinking...
As large as the current living/family room is, there may be a way to create zones so that the children and adults both have a stake in the space. With modular furniture pieces and ample storage options, concealing pint sized clutter and cleaning up afterwards would be a snap. Having a common place to gather is essential for the harmony of the home. Right now, everyone floats to the place where they're most comfy.
My children absolutely LOVE my bedroom. lol! I don't know why this is, but I tend to think it has more to do with me being in it than the space itself. But I desire for my bedroom to be my MOM CAVE. I feel this is a reasonable notion seeing as to how all of my clothes are in here and so is the house's second bathroom. lol! Essentially, if I can create a family room that is family friendly for ALL (less formal and uptight... *sigh*) PLUS come up with a co-ed bedroom design that is fun, funky and vibrant for the babies, they'll be way too engaged in the other two spaces to bother mine!
That's the dream, anyway.
Since I'm not yet made of money (but working on it) this will require brainstorming, creativity and patience. Rome wasn't built in a day. The perfect design that shouts "That's Melissa!" but is approachable and comfy won't happen in a day.
My #1 requirement of all furniture that enters my home is that it MUST be comfortable. I don't believe in pieces of furniture that are strictly chosen for their design but offer absolutely no comfort. I chose my current sofa and matching chaise (now I know that matchy matchy is out of style so don't judge me... lol!) because besides being STUNNING on the showroom floor, it was 100% comfortable. The pillows were oversized, the seating was firm, and I was in love. Still am. I love my sofa immensely and I think it's held up well over 7 years, despite two highly energized children. I'm leaning toward an L shaped sofa plan or possibly a slightly smaller sofa with the addition of more chairs, replacing the sole chaise. Not sure.
I'll post pictures once I get into full swing and trust me, this design will be done on a DIME. Only discounted, re-purposed and craigslist items for me. I absolutely LOVE craigslist. If you haven't at least browsed craigslist you have no idea the deals you're missing. So far, I've purchased three items of furniture from craigslist and a child's bike. It's GREAT! Of course, use caution. Never go to pick up items alone and whenever possible, always meet in a public place with plenty of witnesses nearby. Better safe than sorry.
I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm not one of those overly organized moms who writes out schedules for her children to follow. Can't you tell? lol! I'm a go-with-the-flow kinda mom, very laid back. I'm firm when I need to be but I prefer to let things happen as they will. We may do some traveling soon and that should be fun. We were able to travel last year and I was so thankful to be able to take them places none of us had ever been. Looking forward to the same this year. It's ridiculously hot outside so we're not out there much, but here and there, we enjoy some water play. Most of all, we're spending a lot of quality time with each other.
Looking forward to an exciting summer.
I'll keep you posted on my design ideas.

What's My Name?

"The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That's why you picked him. That's why you stayed"


My blog today will be framed around this rather profound thought that the Holy Spirit gave me earlier today. I think it does us no good to merely break up from a relationship and walk away. We owe it to our own edification to dissect that relationship and discover its strengths, weaknesses, good, bad and ugly points. It's not enough to just go through something. I want to GROW from it. One thing is true. Changing partners doesn't necessarily guarantee a better life and different outcome. After all, the common denominator in every relationship will always be YOU. Unless you bring something new to the table, some of the same problems will follow you from one relationship to the next.
As I pondered past and recent break up's, the Holy Spirit dropped a revelation in my heart. I began to realize that the men we allow ourselves to become joined to give us a name. When I talk about "name", I'm not just referring to our surnames or even our first names. This "name" I'm referring to here has to do with our nature and character. Most people make assumptions about others based on their behavior, demeanor and appearance. When we enter a relationship, the man we are with does this. Some name us, "sweet, supportive, loyal, sexy" etc. Then there are others who name us "stupid, spoiled, stuck up, worthless, trashy, etc". 
The problem is this...
Most women have been taking issue with the wrong thing.
It's not just about what a man calls you. 
The problem comes in when you agree with what he says your name is.
And that's what we do when we stay in relationships that have called us by the wrong name. The bible says, "How can two walk together except they agree?" Amos 3:3 So by continuing to "walk with" men who have chosen to call us outside of our name and speak words over us that are harmful and full of poison, we essentially set ourselves in AGREEMENT with what they say. 
That leads me to what the Holy Spirit revealed to me this morning...
"The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That's why you picked him. That's why you stayed"
If we're honest, there was a period of time we agreed with the abusive proclamations made over us by the men we invited into our lives. Those snide remarks about our weight? Deep down, we agreed with him. Those insults about our intelligence and lack of education? Ditto. 
It wasn't until we DISAGREED with them that we were able to walk away from them. 
It is important to listen carefully to the voices that are speaking in our lives. Words are spirits. They carry life and death. They contain blessings and curses. I do not allow people who are careless with their words access into my life.
One of the most dangerous times for a woman to deal with severe verbal abuse is during a breakup.
One day, I may devote a blog entry to breaking up the right way. I'm no expert in domestic violence but I do know a thing or two about verbal abuse. A man is at his most ferocious when you make up in your mind to have nothing else to do with him. 
There's a right and a wrong way to leave. Stay tuned for that blog.
But one thing that I noticed from my own personal experience was that my ex who'd been a man of few words for the entirety of our relationship suddenly became fluent in insults when I made it clear I was done. I don't even care to repeat the words that were spoken over me. Every insult regarding my physical appearance, sexual performance and mental competency was thrown at me like a mad man wielding an AK-47. 
That experience taught me something. It taught me the power of words and also caused me to realize that a man who had no control over his tongue need not be a part of my life in any capacity. 
I speak LIFE and so will everyone around me.
When I think about my ex's, I realize that then, I was in total agreement with their opinions of me. It was proven by my actions and my willingness to keep them in my life, despite the fact that their words and actions were harmful. They were merely confirming and reflecting my own opinion of myself and personal belief system.
I know there are those who say you shouldn't judge people based on the company they keep but in my book, if you keep company with people of low moral and ethical standards, you are setting yourself in agreement with them. If I do not agree with the way someone thinks, lives, and behaves, we cannot walk together. If I'm in agreement with some one's thoughts, opinions and beliefs about me, I won't leave them.
That's one reason so many women find it hard to end abusive and dead end relationships. 
Everything he says, she believes, good or bad.
Change starts not with what is spoken, but by what is believed.
Now trust me, there are plenty of people (male and female) who will work hard at convincing you to change what you believe about yourself and other things in life. That is to be expected. But it is YOUR job to refute it and put it in its place. 
Don't allow anyone to call you outside of your name. Don't allow anyone to place a label on you that doesn't belong there.
Refute it. Challenge it. Demand that it be stopped.
If they refuse, that is clearly someone that doesn't belong in your life.
You must know the truth about YOU. It will be challenged. 
Somebody will call you ugly. I don't care how pretty you are.
Somebody will have a bad day and decide to spew negativity on you.
Shut it DOWN.
Do NOT allow yourself to be called by any other name than what you are.
Any man who deserves you knows what your name is and will always call you by the right name.

To Thine Own Self Be...100

A few days ago I was stressed out. I had so much on my mind and felt a bit pressed to make a decision I wasn't too sure about making.
Needless to say, I'm now feeling a bit more peaceful and here's why.
First off, the older I get, the more I realize it's CRITICAL to follow the peace of God in all things. What that means simply is that if it upsets me, I don't need to deal with it. If I don't have peace about it, I don't need to do it. If I don't have peace while I'm there, I need to leave it. If I don't have peace while I'm talking to him or her, I end the conversation. The older I get the more I realize that discomfort is a signal that shouldn't be ignored. Ignoring physical symptoms of discomfort isn't a good idea and neither is ignoring emotional discomfort.
It's imperative that we follow the peace of God wherever we go.
Let me be honest. People can sometimes drive you out of your place of peace. People mean well but that don't always know what "well" is for you. They'll give you advice based off of what they claim they'd do if they were you. Here's the funny part. We already know what they'd do in a similar situation because it's usually similar to what they're already doing which is complaining and whining about what they're going through. If people were honest, they'd tell you that the advice they give is usually something they'd NEVER do. People that tell folks to go look for a job at McDonald's would NEVER work there themselves. People that tell you to leave your husband or wife would NEVER leave their spouse if their marriage hit the rocks. So why is it that we allow these people to continue speaking into and over our lives?
It's amazing how much peace you gain when you stop allowing people access to your life who have nothing to contribute to it. My life is NOT your entertainment. If you want to hear a good story and comment on it, I suggest you find your nearest reality tv show and tabloid newspaper. Leave my business alone.
Getting folks out of your business takes some effort. Some people muscle their way in. Some people weasel they way in under the guise of "care and concern". The people that deserve your business usually don't even ask for it. Those are the few folks you run across that don't need to know every detail before they offer up a prayer for you. The people who deserve your business are the ones who can be trusted with a secret and you won't have to hear about it anywhere else, not even from the pulpit. Part of your stress comes from misplaced confidence.If you're placing confidence in the wrong person, place or thing, there's bound to be some stress attached to that.
So I decided to get back to my place of peace and let the voices that were driving me out of that place of peace be silenced. It's nice that you have an opinion but more importantly, do you have a WORD FROM THE LORD? That's really the only people I have a significant amount of time for these days: people who hear from GOD.
I'm not choosy about who I listen to, no, not at all. God can use anybody at any given time to get His point across. I'm not choosy about the vessel. I'm just choosy about what that vessel contains.
I've got too much going on in my life not to hear from God. I'm facing too much, carrying too much, responsible for too much, entrusted with too much, got too many decisions to make, got too many steps to take to NOT hear what the Lord has to say for my life! So pardon and EXCUSE me if I'm choosy about who has a voice in this life of mine. Every second has to count and every moment is an opportunity for a divine download to come my way.
The old expression says, "To thine own self be true". But I decided to remix it and say, "To thine own self be 100". The younger generation coined the phrase "keep it 100" which is slang for 100 percent genuine, nothing fake or added. It's time to be 100 with ourselves. Stop entertaining nonsense. Stop allowing the unqualified and the unworthy to speak into your life and influence you. Keep it 100 with yourself.
Remain in his peace.

What A Girl Wants, What a Woman Needs

I think it's fair to say there's a little girl deep inside of every woman. Some may disagree and those who do are free to get their own blog and write about it. lol! But because it's my blog, I'll stand by this hypothesis. Just as I believe there's a little boy inside of every man (evidenced by his love for video games, and gross/icky things) I think there's a little girl inside of every woman.
My inner girl is a BRAT. Yep, I said it. She's not only spoiled rotten, she's also not very thoughtful and spends most of her time making demands based off of her fantasies. My inner "lil girl" is sassy. She knows she's smart and has a firm command of the English language. She's masterful at throwing a tantrum. She knows how to give a good verbal "left hook".
I don't have to look very far to see flashes of my inner "lil girl". My daughter, Caitlyn, is a mini genius. She is outspoken, full of personality, opinionated and sassy. She doesn't back down from her big brother and when all else fails, she knows precisely when to turn on the waterworks and flash those beautiful big brown eyes and get her way. She's masterful at getting her way. She's observant and persistent. She knows that the word "no" simple means "try another way". There are so many strong qualities in my daughter. I love her tenacity and her guts. I love the fact that she speaks her mind and isn't introverted. I love the fact that she can clearly articulate her desires.
I can, however, live without the tantrums....the many, MANY tantrums.

As annoying her tantrums are, I must admit I have my own. I've had my fair share of adult sized tantrums in relationships. I can only think of one relationship that didn't contain major arguments and the more passionate the romance, the worse our arguments were.
Let me be honest.
I enjoy arguing.
Wow. I know that's awfully honest but what else should I be on a diary/blog? I sincerely MUST enjoy arguing because it's something I've done the most often and the most passionately in most of my relationships. I've disguised my propensity to argue as being "opinionated", "defending the truth", or "expressing myself". but the real truth of the matter is that it's my inner lil girl flipping the hell out.
Yep, said it.
FLIPPING OUT, LIL GIRL TANTRUM.
I grew up in a house where respect was premiere but only among adults. Adults were not obligated to respect you. If they did, then good but your job as a child was to respect adults at all times. Respect was not something that had to be earned by them. You were required to pony it up regardless of their actions toward you. Well, being as thoughtful as I was from a very early age, that never really sat well with me. I came into the world believing that if I understood the conversation taking place, I had every right to engage the speakers in a dialog. I was promptly corrected. Children are to be seen and not heard. We're all familiar with that phrase. Well guess what? That inner, opinionated lil girl never went anywhere. She just learned how to bide her time and develop a  huge chip on her shoulder.
By the time I entered into my first, serious relationship, he had a monster on his hands. I couldn't understand at the time why I was so angry. I just knew that I was. We argued constantly and a few arguments even turned physical. I was always the aggressor. I'm not proud of this fact but guess what? Sometimes you gotta tell the truth to shame the devil. Men aren't the only ones with bad tempers in this world. There are PLENTY of women who live a life on 8 (simmering) and it don't take much to turn her dial all the way over to 10 (boiling). I was angry about a lot of things and looking back, I realize that little of it had anything to do with the man I was involved with at the time. It was an adult sized temper tantrum. That inner lil girl was raging like a maniac, kicking, screaming and demanding to be heard and understood.
But here's something I've come to understand about that inner lil girl that I didn't always see before. When we're young, we're encouraged to immediately use our imaginations to create worlds and scenarios that we personally enjoy. Have you ever seen two children playing an imaginary game and an argument starts because there's a conflict in the ad libbing? lol! Unfortunately, adults do that and don't even realize it.
Every girl wants something shiny, beautiful, big and bold. Never mind it isn't real. It doesn't have to be real to make a lil girl happy. When I was little, I'd use towels to pretend I had long hair. I used to LOVE getting those big, shiny plastic diamond rings for my fingers. It didn't matter to me that it wasn't real. Looking real was enough for me.
So what happens when the lil girl turns 33 on the outside but stays 7 on the inside?
She doesn't mind the fake and phony. As a matter of fact, sometimes she even prefers the fake to the real because it's about what she wants and not what anyone else wants. It's her fantasy to live and to fulfill so if he isn't necessarily a good man but can "look" the part, he's good enough.
Right beside the inner lil girl is a woman who wants to be heard and wants to emerge. She's tired of this 7 year old running her life. She's tired of the tantrums that express themselves in eating problems, arguments and break up's
It is incredibly selfish of anyone to enter a relationship knowing that they have deep seated issues and refuse to deal with them, expecting a life partner to somehow be able to manage their psychosis for them. Uh uh. No ma'am. No sir. Fix that. If you know you have an anger problem, deal with it. Don't expect for a mate to be able to walk on eggshells for a lifetime around your land mine of a temper. Not fair. Not gonna work.
At some point the inner child needs to grow up.
She has to stop treasuring the fake over the real.
She has to stop wanting something to look good more than it BEING good.
She has to stop throwing a tantrum every time things and people don't go her way.
She has to realize the world wasn't made for her but she was made for it.
She has to realize that she doesn't have to yell and scream to be heard. People will listen if you have something to say.
At the age of 33 I realize that I haven't even given the woman in me a chance to speak and clearly define her needs. I've been too busy trying to pick this inner 7 yr old up off the middle of aisle 5 and calm her down. I haven't even discussed with my 33 year old self what I value now, what I need now. Being 33 is drastically different than being 23. There are things I would have tolerated at 23 that I absolutely cannot stand now. There are places I wouldn't mind frequenting at 23 years of age that I wouldn't step foot in now. The woman in me wants to be seen and heard. She has needs. She's not superficial. She's seen some things and heard some things too. She's bought into a few lies and seen a few tricks. She's had nice looking things that weren't necessarily good things. She places more value on things like peace of mind, respect, and integrity now. Every now and again the inner lil girl wants to flip the hell out and tell her that she wants this, that or the other.
But it's time now to hear what the grown woman needs.
Hush, lil girl.
Hush.

The Armless, Footless Foe

I've felt this way before. I feel anxious. I even have a slight headache. A part of me doesn't want to eat. I even feel a slight wave of nausea. I want to go back to bed and sleep.
What's wrong with me?
I'm fighting the "no" in me.
I'm standing on the verge of a new opportunity and the loudest voice in my head is shouting, "You can't do this. You don't want to do this, do you? What makes you think this will work?"
Maybe I'm the only one who's ever heard those things in my head, but for some reason, I don't think so.
Sometimes the loudest and strongest voice of opposition can be found right between your own ears.
I can't tell you how many people have said in the last few days, "I think you'd be great at it!" "Melissa, you're perfect for this!" "You've got what it takes!" But before I can let it all sink in, I hear that loud, raging beast inside my head that says, "Please! You've never done anything like this before. What makes you think you can do it? You know it won't work!"
I'm almost convinced that your biggest enemy doesn't even have arms, legs, hands or feet. He only has a loud, intimidating voice, and usually that's all he needs to level you.
David had already faced Goliath by the time he met him.. and won. He told King Saul, and I paraphrase, "Hey, I've already killed a bear and when a lion ran up on me, I grabbed him by his beard and killed him too. Goliath? And WHAT?!" lol!
This new business opportunity is one fight. I'm facing others.
I'm forcing myself to examine my romantic relationships critically. It's not a pretty sight. I don't want to look at it because it reflects a part of me that I just don't want to see. But I'm looking anyway. I'm looking at the fact that I've traded dignity for a sliver of affection many times. I'm looking at the fact that I accepted someone treating me like they could take me or leave me over waiting on someone who could treasure me. I don't want to look, but I'm looking.
It's not easy to move on from a relationship, particularly for women.
We invest so much, lay so much on the line... stake so much of our value and self worth on the success or failure of this relationship and the approval of this one man.
Yep, one man.
One man on the planet is given the keys to our happiness, contentment, self esteem and told to drive as recklessly as he can with it over a bumpy road.
Nobody wants to wait for better because what if better is actually worse?
What if what I let go of is the last thing I'll ever hold on to?
What if I'm walking away from my one chance at semi happiness?
What if?
Once again, that mind of ours, the armless, footless foe levels us to the ground.
I've just decided to stand up to this inward bully and answer some of its questions.
"What if you look like a fool?" It won't be the first time.
"What if you never marry?" Doesn't mean I'll never have friends.
"What if you never find a good man?" I won't if I stay here.
"What if your new business doesn't work?" I'll try another one.
No one told me I couldn't have my own, successful business. No one told me I couldn't find love. No one told me that but ME.
The hand less, footless, enemy between my ears. And for many, many years, he won countless battles without having to throw a single punch.
Here's something I'm discovering in the middle of this new season of my life.
Favor doesn't remove fear and it doesn't always silence the footless foe in your mind that wants to keep you paralyzed in the former season. That's why God continuously had to remind His people to be strong and courageous. God is with you even if your eyes are taking in an imposing landscape and your knees are buckling.
He's with you.
Do you know what happens if you try something and it doesn't work? You get up and try something else.
Do you know what happens if you date one man and he doesn't treat you right? You get up and try again.
Abraham and Sarah could have stopped at Ishmael but God wouldn't allow it. Their fears could have paralyzed them into abandoning their precious promise. But God never let the promise fade away. Every few years, He'd bring it up again.
One way to tell that something is a God inspired promise to you is the fact that you don't get to decide when it's over. lol!
God will bring that thing up at the most unwanted moments of your life. You'll want to forget it. You'll want to leave it alone. But when God makes you a promise, He is obligated to bring it to pass.
Don't allow fear, anxiety, nervousness, unsurety to paralyze you.
Just remember that He is with you. As you make steps, He will go before you. But He can't clear a path that you refuse to walk on.
Get moving.
Forward.

Better Things

Ok. I really don't feel like writing this and that's precisely why I'm writing it. It's easy to write blogs that are full of hope and inspiration. It's easy to encourage someone when you're encouraged. It's easy to tell someone what to do to make it through a tough place.
It's not so easy when it's your time and your turn.
One of the hardest things for me to do is deal with my love life. I've faced down some pretty imposing things in the last 9 months and I kept moving forward. But nothing slows me down quite like loving a man that just don't love me like I deserve to be loved in return.
The father of my children is in a unique position in my life. He's not the first man I've ever loved. He's not the first man I've ever been in a relationship with. He's not the first man I've ever lived with. But he is the first man who's ever given me children.
Our relationship started very quickly and very wrong seven years ago. Yep. SEVEN. November, 2004, to be exact. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on him. Our physical relationship began a few months later in February of 2005. I was pregnant by July of 2005 with our son, Matthew. Now there's a whole lot of cock and bull in between but I tried to be as optimistic as possible. I knew I made many mistakes in my involvement with him. I could have known him better. I should have done my homework. Character and integrity should have meant more than passion and excitement to me. I should have taken sex off of the table. It should have never been introduced as quickly as it was. I should have taken note of each red flag, investigated them and then made a firm decision based on where those flags took me. I should have taken the time to qualify the man who was approaching my life, wanting to be a part of it in ways he wasn't even prepared for.
Neither one of us were planning on making babies together but that's exactly what we did.
And our lack of planning has caused many people, not just ourselves and our two children, to suffer.
Thankfully, our children have managed somehow not to be irreparably harmed by our careless frolicking into lust, passion, desire and immaturity, but that doesn't mean they haven't had to deal with their fair share of nonsense.
I've dealt with my fair share of nonsense.
If anything, this seven year involvement with this man has taught me many things, although some lessons clearly need a bit more emphasis because hey, I'm hard headed. One lesson that stands out above all is that a man of character and integrity should be valued and prized above all things. It's good that he has a decent job, wears nice clothes, has a voice that can melt an ice cube and game like Kobe. That's all well and good. But what kind of man is he when the lights come on? Ahh... now we're getting somewhere.
If your best times are at bedtime, there should be no time between you two.
None.
It's a waste of time.
I know plenty of women (myself included) who laid down many a precious sacrifice at the altar of lust and passion. If I told you everything I gave this man and how many times I did it, you'd probably stop reading my blog. It's a wonder my mother and sister still speak to me. lol! Yea, it was that bad. I hung in there like a champ, trying my best to salvage this mess of a relationship to save face. I couldn't just say that it was flawed from the start, involved no critical thinking on my part and that two foolish people sexed their way into a relationship that was little more than a few good evenings of passion. I'm not saying we didn't try. We did. We moved in together. He made bills. I paid them. He made debt. I carried it. I waited up for him to come home many nights, not knowing where he was, and wondering why I was foolish enough to let him back in when he finally did come home at 3, 4, and 5 a.m. We fought like cats and dogs. I still have holes in walls and doors. I've been called names I don't care to repeat and been told things that would make a tough guy wince. But I wanted something better to come out of our relationship. Surely, if we could make two beautiful children, we could make a beautiful relationship, right? RIGHT?
I held out hope for a long time. I prayed. I fasted. I cried.
I don't blame God for things not working out.
God is not a genie in a bottle nor is He like a root worker who will manipulate someone against their own will. Our job is to AGREE with God, not to be manipulated by Him. If you can't see things His way, He doesn't press the issue. So why do we?
We want someone to see things our way. I wanted my childrens' father to see things my way. I wanted him to see that he had a damn good woman that he was treating like garbage. I wanted him to see that with a little commitment and a a tad more effort on his part, we could be a home and a family that our children would be strengthened by and I'd have the love of a man I always wanted.
I'd finally have something that was real.

We spoke briefly today, throughout the day. We speak daily actually, small talk. He'll call to tell me how his day is going at work, to ask about the kids. I listen intently as he talks about this coworker, or that issue with his family. He likes to talk to me. I like to listen because one day, I hope to hear the words, "Melissa, I love you. Let's give it one more try". Instead, every now and then I hear the words, "What are you wearing?"
Yep. Melissa hears that.
It hurts because this is someone I've grown to love and care about. We started out bad but over seven years, I grew to love him. I so believed that we could make something out of virtually nothing. I believed we could find the motivation in our childrens' eyes together to make a good relationship. I could let go of the lies, the disappointments, the promises made and never kept, the drinking, the smoking, the fights.
I could let it go. I did let it go.
I could keep trying.
I could keep hoping and praying.
I could keep believing that someway, somehow, God would change a man's character and give him integrity just for me, all in a few months.
Too bad it doesn't work like that.
You see, it takes character and integrity to be in a faithful and committed relationship and neither of those elements are built overnight. They take time to establish. God doesn't give us character and integrity. That's something we have to cultivate on our own. That's why there are plenty of people in the Kingdom of God who God has saved but cannot entrust with anything. It's not because He doesn't love them. It's because they have not proven themselves faithful or trustworthy.
So I can pray all I want to for God to change this man into someone that loves, cares, and respects. But the truth is, that man has to be willing to build his own character.
I'm 33 years old. I say it often and that's mainly for my own realization, not yours. I love God with all my heart and soul but sometimes my soul hurts a little and tonight is one of those nights. Hey, what can I say? I'm human. I believe every Word written in the bible and that's why I'm at this point in my life. Do I honestly believe that this is the best that God can do for me? Even if this man said with his mouth, "Melissa, I want us to work this out", what would that really mean? Would he be different? Would he have the character and integrity needed to go the distance? Would I be able to trust him? Would he be home every night? Just the simple fact that I can't answer all of those questions lets me know there's a problem.
Yes, he's the father of my children. I am thankful that we have two beautiful children to show for our seven years of knowing each other. But I'm ready for better.
Better may not come tomorrow. And better may not happen this year. It may be a few more years before better arrives but I think it's time I started looking for it.
It's hard to believe God can do more than what you've seen done before. As I said earlier, this isn't my first relationship but it certainly hasn't been very much different than any of them from the past. None of them lasted and none of them gave me the love and honor I'm due. But just because it hasn't been seen before doesn't mean God can't do it. My faith tells me that even though I've never experienced a healthy relationship and never really saw a long lasting love in my own family, that doesn't mean it's impossible. With God, nothing shall be impossible.
It's going to be a battle to let go of my "this will do" to embrace something totally new and better. I'm sure if I really, really want to hang on to this man, I can. But deep down I know I'll never get all that God has for me by doing so.
I still believe God can turn things around. I'll still pray for the father of my two children. If God wills for us to be together, I'll accept His will for my life.
But as of right now, I'm believing for better than this here.
It's scary to let go of the only thing that looks halfway like something you've always wanted.
It hurts.
But it's a must.
I don't want almost.
I don't want "this will have to do".
I want everything God has for me and every blessing He intends to bestow on me.
I want it all.
I want better things.

Girl, You Must Be Dreamin!

I don't consider myself a dreamer. I've been known to go several months if not longer without so much as a chase dream. But here lately, I've been dreaming a lot. I've had dreams so vivid, I was glad to be awake and others so memorable I didn't even have to write them down to recall them later.
My family's no stranger to dreams either. I can remember as a child my mother mentioning dreams she'd had warning about the death of someone we all knew. Dreams are well respected in my family. I've always known that God speaks to us through our dreams. Sometimes, it's said that's the only way He can get a word in edge-wise. That may be so but I think that sometimes, God just wants to give us a sneak peek, a glimpse into something that He has for us but that we may not be quite ready for. I also think He allows dreams to come so that we'll seek Him first for their meaning. Isn't it funny how we spend most of our time on the phone, texting, talking, online, and face to face asking everyone but Him for answers? Hmm.
I had a dream last night. I really hate to talk about my dreams because I consider them to immensely personal but hey, so is a blog called "Diary of A Baby Mama".
In this dream, there was a man who was completely enamoured with me. I'm talking 100% smitten. I can remember being embarrassed to an extent by his behavior. As much as he liked my physical appearance, he was just as moved by me, the person. Now he was not my type: he was older, not particularly attractive, etc. But I can remember him holding my hand and his hand was so much bigger than mine. I remember more than anything the emotions I felt in the dream more than what I saw: I felt safe, adored, protected, and finally, treasured.
And isn't that the point of it all?
I'm thirty three years old. I'm a long way away from over the hill but far from a rookie. I've been in a relationship or two. Seen somethings. Lived some things. I've seen women that I'm related to and women I love as dear friends experience the joy and pain of relationships. I've seen weddings, births and funerals. I've even seen separations and divorces. But one thing I haven't seen much of is a love that tells God "thank you". I'm talking about a love that comes after a storm, at the end of a long, dark night, and breaks forth like the dawn and shines on everybody who sees it. I've known one couple like that and it's given me hope for my own life.
I've tried to take a practical approach to love and relationships. I've gone down the rabbit hole of fantasy before that immerses you in movies and music videos but leaves you empty and disappointed in the end. I've tried to take a more straight forward approach to love. I don't have to expect to be beaten or abused but expecting to be adored, honored, and appreciated? That's a bit much, don't you think?
I know I'm not the only woman who feels that way.
If I was, I'd see less problems and more testimonies.
Truth is you'll never have more than you can believe for.
NEVER.
I didn't believe I could be loved, honored, respected, adored and desired, all at the same time, by the same man.
Didn't believe it.
And then God gave me a dream. Let me see it. Feel it. Prepare for it.
I'm not saying that I'll be married by the end of next year and I'll meet the man of my dreams by the end of this one.  God isn't my genie in a bottle and I'm doing my best not to rub Him the wrong way with my doubt & unbelief. I am saying that the dream gave me hope and my hope gives me the faith to believe what I cannot see. Just because all I've seen is pain, disrespect, disregard and failure in love doesn't mean that's all that's there. Faith is my other set of eyes. It causes me to see what I haven't seen before and wait patiently until it shows up into the natural.
So keep dreaming ladies.
Blessed is the one who hasn't seen but yet believes.
I've got some faith focals on.

Ooh, LaLa: I'm BUILT!

Soccer Mom. Stay at Home Mom. Busy Mom. Single Mom. Working Mom.
Stressed Mom. Frustrated Mom. Overworked Mom. Under-appreciated Mom. Frazzled Mom.
I've been most of these at some point, and many right now.
I try to pause first thing in the morning now. I mean, literally pause. Once I realize that I'm conscious, no longer asleep and definitely not dreaming, I pause. I give God a moment to whisper to me because once my feet hit the carpet, it's lights, camera, action. There's outfits to coordinate, lunch boxes to pack, snacks to label, socks to match, hair to comb, teeth to brush, tears to wipe, car seats to buckle, laundry to sort, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up... on and on.
So I pause now, first thing in the morning. Dr. Mike Murdock said to give the Holy Spirit the first seven minutes of every single day. How delightfully simple that seemed to me. I for one feel at times a bit dissatisfied with my prayer and devotion time. Although I've always considered my relationship with God to be more fluid than formal, I do realize the need for and respect the presence of a degree of formality in my worship.
While pausing this morning, just lying in bed listening to the whispers of the Spirit, something came to me.
I may not complain a lot outwardly, but inwardly, I complain quite a bit. I stopped believing in that imaginary land called "Fair" a long time ago but every now and then, I have thoughts of it. "It's not fair that I'm raising my two children virtually alone". "It's not fair that their father takes his parenting role in an optional manner while mine is a requirement". "I don't have the luxury of waking up and saying, that I don't feel like doing this today". I've gone to work with bronchitis, and when I wasn't working with the full blown flu myself, I was home taking care of two sick children who also caught the flu at the same time. I'm the one who has to give my son breathing treatments when he needs them. I'm the one who thinks on down the line and tries to anticipate a disaster.
By now, I'm up and out of bed. I'm standing in the kitchen, packing my childrens' lunch boxes, still meditating on everything. Then, then thought comes to me, "What if your car's transmission complained as much as you do?" Huh? Ok God, what do you mean? He said to me, "When you're driving and approach a hill, you press on the gas and your car's transmission responds by shifting gears and transferring more power to the engine allowing the truck to move up the incline at the same speed that you were going on the straight-away. What if your transmission complained about working harder than the tires? What would you say?" I do answer God when He speaks, so I said, "I'd tell the transmission that's what you were built to do! Change gears and get ta haulin!"
Hmm.
And that's what He said to me.
Change gears. Adjust. Adapt. Shift. Lift. Do what you gotta do.
Stop complaining. This is what you were BUILT to do.
If a joint didn't flex it would cause pain and there would be no walking going on.
I was BUILT to adapt.
I was BUILT to bear.
I was BUILT to endure.
I was BUILT to adjust.
I was BUILT to empower others.
I was BUILT to bring order to chaos.
I was BUILT to bring comfort, peace and stability to those I love.
I was BUILT to last.
No longer will I look at my children's father in anger or disgust, thinking that I am somehow being treated unfairly. Yes, my burden is heavy but I was BUILT to carry it.
There are plenty of parents behind bars because they were not built to handle the load that has been placed on me. They took it out on their children and now those innocent little children are no longer alive.
But I was BUILT to handle this and handle it like a good transmission.
SHIFT and LIFT!
I may not be the best mom on the planet but I'm the best one for two children in particular. Nobody can do what I do like I do it because God BUILT me for it!
I'm done wallowing in defeat, frustration, anger and hurt. So WHAT he's not doing as much as me?
He CAN'T do as much as me.
He's not BUILT for this.

I was BUILT just for this!
And so are YOU.

The Blah Days

Ok, so it's been a few minutes since I last posted on this here blog. I must admit I've been experiencing a bit of "writer's block".
Well, on second thought, let me be honest.
Melissa is RARELY at a loss for words or thought but sometimes, I'm just not so willing or even sure I want to share those words and thoughts. I understand the importance of speaking your truth but sometimes... a girl just aint too sure, ya know?
I try my best to keep it real and to be as uplifting and authentic as possible.
But I have "blah" days just like everyone else.
I wake up with my hair pushed up to one side at a sharp point.
I put very little effort into assembling an outfit.
Scrunchies sometimes substitute for bracelets.
The older I get, the tougher the ol' hormones are to deal with. I hit my thirties and soon came to the realization that the thirty something version of myself is a more mature model, true, but she's got plenty of tender spots, literally and figuratively.
Let's start with this bursitis that I used handy dandy WebMD.com to self diagnose. Yep, I do that too. LOL! Unexplained pain in my hips and shoulders that creeps up just before a storm system, wracks me with pain, makes my eyes water and sends me limping to my stash of ibuprofen only to vanish as quickly as it came.
And let's not forget about this light dusting of gray hair that seems to be occurring underneath my glorious jet black weave. SERIOUSLY?! I'm 33. Is it REALLY time to consult a colorist? Gray too soon, gray too soon. And to add insult to injury, my lifelong black curly hair will be replaced with straight, wiry grays. Haha! Gotta love the human body.
Some days I just don't feel spiritual...like today. lol! I am completely in love with God and His Word. Without His Word, I would not be where I am now nor would I even have the slightest interest in facing tomorrow apart from Him. But combined with unpredictable hormones, emotions, and those mysterious "blahs" that women tackle, I just don't feel connected. I know that I am ever before Him but sometimes I just don't feel so connected. It's in those moments that I tend to get a little quiet, a little withdrawn.
The last thing I want to do is speak as an oracle of me. What does that mean? I feel that in this day and time, people are somewhere close to DESPERATE to hear from God. What is His mind? How does He feel about the events in this world we live in? Is He displeased? Does He want us to move and act differently than we are? Knowing His will, discerning His voice in the midst of the crowd, and finding a resting place in the midst of busy work and chaos can be a challenge. Some days I feel like He's a mighty river flowing through me. Other days (like today) I feel like I'm under a slow leaky drain, waiting for the next drop of water to splash upon my parched soul.
Truth is, there will be days like this. Many, and not a few. There will be days that seem as if they are mundane, insignificant and I'd dare say, irrelevant. However, my faith tells me that God is always working. Always. Each day builds upon another. And another. They are all significant in the fabric of my life.
I'll make it through the "blahs". I'll get through the less than sensational days.
I'll make it through the days I get on my own nerves and put MYSELF in time out.
I'll get through them all victoriously because He's with me.

Thirties:You Should Have Learned Something By Now

Stupidity can last up to 20 years. How do I know this? It's because for the most part, I made a shipwreck of my roaring 20's. Twenty somethings know just enough to be dangerous. They have buying power, independence, peak sexual performance and a paycheck. Look our world! Here comes trouble wide open on two tires!
I by no means intend to offend or infuriate my twenty something readers. This is humorous and slightly sarcastic reflection on a place I once was and I can relate. But I owe it to you to tell you that you're stupid.

I think about three thirty and over women just nodded their heads in agreement. LOL!

And that's what should happen when you enter the decade of thirty. Your eyes should come open like curtains in the morning. Aha moments should pop up left and right. By now you've weathered unbelievably risky gambles against your health, safety  and finances. You are either in the middle of a financial storm or sitting in the pile of rubble it left in its wake. You've got a few exes under your belt and the scars to prove it. Maybe that Vegas wedding on a whim in cowboy boots and ripped jeans is now an alimony payment in your checking account. You're quite possibly a parent by now, all but forced to surpress your inner child and manage the very real, and very demanding outter children who now depend on you for everything. You're probably a few years into a career you're not that fond of and steadily approaching what I'd like to call the "mini midlife crisis".
Oh yea folks...

Thirty somethings know all about this.

This is when your straight laced husband decides it's time for him to unleash his inner, irresponsible freak and shed the shackles of lifelong committment. It's also when you stare at your boobs in the mirror and seriously consider using next year's tax refund for a bust lift. Maybe you've caught the glimmer of a few gray hairs in the bathroom mirror and have decided it's time to discuss semi permanent or permanent hair coloring with your stylist. Even more serious, maybe you've buried both sets of grandparents and realize it won't be long until you are in your own parents' shoes.
You're thinking about life insurance for the first time in your life.
Should I get a living will?
Who will care for my children if something should happen to me?
Do I want a DNR order?
Do I want to spend another 10 years of my life in this city? In this career? In this relationship?
Oh yea... it's a mini midlife crisis alright!
But seriously, you should have learned something by now!
The only thing more disappointing than a disasterous twentieth decade is a ten year repeat performance.
Whether you realize it or not, you've learned a ton of things by now. You may not see it because you're effectively submerged in the routine of life that you hardly notice all of the wisdom you've acquired since high school. However, if you took the time to slow down a bit, you'd see, like me, that by thirty something, you can and SHOULD have learned a lot by now.
One of the biggest life lessons I've learned as a thirty something year old woman is that we set ourselves up for much of the dramatic high's and lows of life by our own actions. How so? Here's an example. You receive an invitation by facebook or email regarding your highschool class reunion. First of all, you were not popular in high school nor were you happy there. You were the awkward misfit with no friends and chubby cheeks but as soon as the invitation hits your inbox, you're out shopping at Lane Bryant trying to find something slimming and age defying.
 Then it's off to Zumba class and Weight Watchers to lose 60 lbs in three months. Before you know it, you're driving or flying across country to stand in a room full of people who don't even recognize you and if they do, still can't pronounce your name correctly and once again, you're the one nursing a glass of wine at the bar, feeling oddly insecure and unhappy, much like you did 15 years earlier. Here's the best way to handle potentially difficult situations like class reunions, parties, and receptions:
DON'T GO.
It's really that simple. Why on EARTH are you spending hundreds of dollars for hair, makeup, Zumba, outfit and airfare to go and be made to feel like an 18 year old oddball?! Seriously?!

Thirty somethings should have learned by now the value of peace of mind and the absence of drama.

The best thing about making it out of our teens and twenties is that we don't have to EVER repeat it!
So the next time you get an invitation from someone you don't like and that you're almost positive NEVER liked you, simply don't go. *DELETE*
Another realization that thirty somethings with good sense tend to make is that although they've essentially let 10 good years get flushed down the toilet in superficial enterprises, there's still enough time to turn the Titanic around and avoid the next iceberg. Change is possible at any age, but when you're in your teens and twenties, change is like being in a jetski. By the time you hit your mid thirties and 40's, change feels more like a yatch. The mind, body and soul just doesn't get up and zig zag between the changes of life like it used to. Another gut punch is that although we still could quite possibly have more years ahead of us than behind us (it's reasonable to think I'll live til 66, Lord willing), the truth is that the sands of the hourglass now appear to be sliding a little bit faster than just ten short years ago. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles who were embroidered into the fabric of our lives are now deceased. God forbid we lose a parent or comrad. The gut punch is even harder. We realize that turning fifty isn't in the far distant future like it used to be. We also realize that by the time we turn 50, our parents who are 25-30 years our senior, may not be there with us.
These realizations scream that we should have learned something by now.
What do I have to show for three decades worth of breathing in and out?
Is this as good as it gets for me?
Can the Titanic be rerouted?
When I was twenty, the thought of starting over completely from zero was not nearly as imposing as it is now.
I have children now. I have a pitiful yet confirmed credit score. I own property. I'm not sick or dying, but I don't have the same amount of energy as I used to. I require naps now.
Can I start from zero and make it to 100?
Thirty somethings know that although it may seem daunting, it can be done.
Those in their forties, fifties, and sixties tell us that we're still youngins. They know what we're capable of. They know we have the juice to get it done if we take the step.
I used to think that my twenties were a critical decade. Lord knows I made my fair share of mistakes there and made my bed pretty gosh darn hard. Over time, I've realized that actually my critical hour is NOW. As chocked full of nonsense as my twenties were, I came out of them in one piece and with many, MANY nuggets of truth and hard knock wisdom.
I'm smart enough to realize that most twenty somethings won't listen to me nor see the benefit of my wisdom. *watching my thirty and over's nodding and chiming, "Mmm hmm". lol!* We all know the hardest heads are the twenty somethings. We were hardheads once. We were stubborn, fierce, full of fire and vinegar and armed with just enough knowledge to be a force.
We were all there.

And we all got our butts kicked real good by life and its curveballs.

Please don't dispair twenty somethings. Things do get better. As difficult as it is to look at the longterm, do everything you can to minimize the impact of your decisions on decades that you can't even see. Buy a house when you're ready, not just because all of your friends are homeowners. Get married because you're in love and you've done your homework, not just because you're trying to have a baby before you hit 30. The decisions you make should come from what is true to YOU, not what is pressing against you.
Follow your heart, not your girlfriends. Your heart may contradict the "in" crowd, but guess what? You graduated from high school already and you can now enjoy the clique called YOU.

Don't look up and realize you spent the past 10 years trying to find someone who was always there.
You're learning everyday and by thirty...
You'll be amazed by what you know.

The List

Grocery List. Chore List. Task List. Relationship List.
The list goes on and on!
Truth of the matter is that we seem to have an obsession with lists these days. We rely on lists to keep us organized and focused. We look to lists to chronicle our ideas and dreams. We use lists to track our progress or lack thereof. We also use lists to define what we want in a mate.
I was no different than any other hormonal teenager in the world and spent the better part of my teenage years fantasizing about boys. My dear sweet mother did all she could to give my over-the-top emotions an ouitlet and her solution was the construction of "THE LIST".
It was my task to sit down and write all of the characteristics, down to phyiscal features, that I wanted in a boyfriend and pray, believing that God would somehow in His omnipotent power, cause our paths to cross.

Bless her heart, and mine too.

Here's what my list looked like, back in the day:
Good hair (curly or wavy)
Caramel complexion
Tall
Loves God
Goes to church
Light eyes
Rich
Nice Car
Good job
Minister

That's what my list looked like between the ages of 15 & 18. Sad to say, I've seen the same items on the lists of women twice that age. You'd think our lists would grow up along with us.
If I could come alongside my 15, 16 or 17 year old self, and proofread her "list", this is what it would look like:

Good Hair (wavy or curly) Your hair, sweetheart, is not wavy or curly. Is it fair to make this a requirement? Should hair texture define his or even your beauty?

Caramel Complexion Once again, your complexion is not caramel. You are a beautiful dark brown. HE can be too.

Tall  It's  ok to prefer a tall man as long as you keep an open mind. After all, you don't want someone to overlook all of YOUR good qualities simply because of your physical appearance.

Loves God This is definitely the best thing on your list so far but you'll come to realize over time that a person's true relationship with God is private. However, their character and integrity is public. Make that your focus.

Goes to church You'll see over time that just because a man or woman attends church, that doesn't mean they are good people or will treat you good. How a person behaves outside of those four walls should be your primary focus.

Light eyes Seriously?! lol! You just excluded a ton of people because of this one requirement Rethink this.

Rich Define "rich". Just because a man has money doesn't mean YOU will. Is he generous? That's what you need to make sure you find out.

Nice Car What exactly is a "nice car"? If you mean, "expensive", then you are being petty and need to think realistically. A man doesn't have to drive a Mercedes or Bentley to get along. You'll soon have your own cars and car payments and trust me, you will NOT have Mercedes money but will be blessed with reliable transportation.

Good Job Well this would make sense. If he's supposed to be rich and drive a nice car, then that would require a good job! But in order for a man to earn enough money for a "rich" lifestyle, he must devote a large portion of his time to that job and not to you. Are you sure you want a rich man? Think about it...seriously.Try a man who leads a balanced life and is financially responsible. That's a little more down to earth.

Minister I know what you're thinking, "surely a preacher is going to be a man I can trust and who has integrity!" But this is not a given sweetheart, There are plenty of God fearing men out there who are not clergymen. Don't hold this against them and don't assume he's a man of integrity just because he is clergy.

Sometimes I wish someone had gone over my list like this with a red marker! lol! But the bottom line is that there are plenty of young women in the world who have unchecked lists. There was a time in my life when I preached against the construction of lists but now, I see their usefulness. If done right, mothers can get a glimpse into the mindset of their daughters as it relates to men and guide them where they may be drifting. It can be used as a tool to show moms where problem areas are. Daughters who emphasize superficial qualities may be battling issues with self esteem and self worth. Daughters overly articulate about material possessions may lack compassion and empathy for the plight of others less fortunate.
These lists can be used for good but these lists must change.
If you're a young woman, an older woman can help you fine tune your expectations on life. If you're an older woman, it can hopefully show you where you have the greatest need and show you areas that you can continue to improve on.
It's ok to make a list.
Just make sure you're putting those lists to work for you.

Feed The Birds

I was standing in my kitchen yesterday washing dishes and tidying up things. As I wiped down the counter tops, I noticed that there was some old bread in the bread bowl (we use a large bowl instead of a bread box.. quirky, I know...lol!). I was about to toss all of it when I caught myself, almost with a start. I said to myself, "Don't throw that out! You can use that to feed the birds!"
I didn't grow up around animals, in part because I was literally allergic to so many different things, but the one animal I distinctly remember the most in my childhood was birds. I can remember my mother taking stale cornbread and slices of bread and tossing it out the back door onto the yard. When I asked her why she was doing this as a child, she'd say, "it's to feed the birds". Occasionally, we'd see a bird or two land and then take flight with a morsel of bread in his beak. But for some odd reason, this act of feeding the birds never left me.
My parents weren't avid bird watchers or anything of the sort. We never owned a bird feeder or grew flowering bushes specifically for hummingbirds. For the most part, we lived our lives almost totally removed from the animal kingdom and completely submerged in our own humanity. That is, until it was time to decide what to do with old bread.
Well yesterday, I decided that it would be for the children to experience feeding the birds so I planned to gather up all the old bread and take the children to feed the pigeons in downtown Greenville tomorrow. I've experienced the feeding of the pigeons near Falls Park once before and let me tell you, it's quite spectacular. If you have a bird phobia, I don't recommend it because those little guys are bold and a large number of them cluster around those who come bearing goodies.
I couldn't help but go back to that period of time in my life when I observed my mom setting aside old cornbread and sliced bread to feed the birds. I'm not even sure why she did it or when she started it, but there was something within her that told her it was the right thing to do.
Here I was, decades later, with the same burden on my heart: feed the birds.
First of all, we're not even from the same species! Why on earth am I concerned about a bird eating or not?
Then I realized that this is how God works.
Just when you think you're not on someones mind, God is placing you there, as subtle as an "aha" moment. There's probably some pigeon crying out to God now for his next meal. God heard him and told me to use that old bread to take a trip downtown with my two little children to feed him. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a great and mighty God to go through for something as lowly as a flock of birds. But that the way He is.
My mama came up in a era that knew all about struggle. They helped their neighbors and friends. Sometimes a sack of flour and can of lard was the difference between life and death by starvation. She knew all about hard times and saw her fair share. So did my dad. And maybe, it's with that understanding that both took the time to feed the birds. Even if it was just a slice, they didn't throw it away. Out the backdoor and into the yard it went.
I guess such a gesture would be considered littering today but to my parents, it was there way of remembering the weak and the lowly.
So while we're standing at Falls Park feeding a feisty flock of pigeons tomorrow, I'll remember that the Great God of the Universe laid them on my heart and if he can lay a bird on the heart of a human being so that it doesn't go hungry, surely He can and will lay you and I on someones heart at the right time and take care of us.
Don't forget to feed the birds.

Boys Will Be Boys?

I absolutely love being a mom. I honestly believe that motherhood was God's personal gift to me which lifted me from self destructive behaviors and a feeling of worthlessness. Nothing says "I need you" quite like the voices of your innocent children. Not only am I a mom, I'm also the mother of two, a boy and a girl. It's very true that there are differences in gender and I'm thankful for the opportunity to observe those differences first hand. I never had a brother so it's interesting to see my son and daughter interact.
Their personalities are so different. Whereas, my son is very thoughtful and thinks ahead, my daughter tends to be a tad bit more selfish, sometimes downright diva-like. lol!
For the most part, I believe that my children behave age appropriately. What I mean by that is although I recognize my children are not always angelic, their sometimes naughtiness is not what I would consider to be a major issue. I'm still able to control them. There's no biting, scratching and spitting going on. lol! Nobody has set anyone or anything on fire and sadistically laughed about it.
My children are ok.
I consider myself to be a good, loving parent and for the most part, I try to look out for every single need of my children, particularly their mental and physical health.
But I had no idea that my son's gender identification would become my sole responsibility and burden.
Really?
Let's face it. Few moms wake up in the morning with a check list of "boy specific" rules to follow. We find ourselves instinctively gravitating to the things our children show interest in. My son LOVES cars and trucks which makes my life so much easier because there are some moms with boy children who want dolls and wear the color pink.
But the thing that I find disturbing is that both single and married moms are finding themselves in the cross hairs when it comes to the behavior of their little boys. As I stated just a second ago, my son likes cars and trucks 90% of the time. But for maybe 10% or less, he wants to comb mommy's hair while I braid his sister's hair. He and his sister play in my closet and occasionally, he's been known known to slip on my shoes. If his dad ever caught wind of this, there would be hell to pay and of course, it would be my fault that his son wasn't displaying manly qualities at all times. REALLY?
Okay folks. Let me weigh in on the whole subject of gender roles and children.
I heard on the news today that a famous clothing catalog featured an ad of a mother painting her young son's toenails a bright shade of pink.
I don't think that's cute.
At all.
Whereas I don't advocate disciplining a child for showing interest in another gender's activities or apparel, there is no need to encourage or even support this type of behavior in small children. When my son walked out of my closet in my shoes, he was disciplined, not for being a little boy in women's shoes but for making a mess of my shoes and strewing them all about the house. There's a difference. When he asks me if something is "for boys" or "for girls", I answer clearly. My daughter also asks the same questions. My son has watched me painting my toes before and asked if he could paint his. After saying, "No", that was the end of it.
I do realize that there are some children who this answer will not satisfy. There are little boys who want to wear girls clothing and BE little girls, not just imitate what appears to be interesting and fun for one sibling and not the other.
As a single mom, I don't harp on my son about being a "little man" or exhibiting masculine characteristics. He's doing that quite well on his own. My job is to be a guide and that's what I do. When he plays with his sister and picks up her doll, I don't freak out. She's his only playmate. I don't freak out when she zooms through the house with one of his toy cars. When he puts on my shoes, I ask him calmly to remove them. I don't lecture him about why it's wrong for little boys to wear women's shoes. He's five and I doubt he'd rake good notes anyway.  I just stand my ground and do my job as mommy. For him, all he needs to know at this point is that mommy says yes or no to certain things and his little life goes on and he finds something else to do.
What gets me is when men who put the "single" in single mom and were the creators of the uber-degrading title "babymama" are often the biggest critics of how women raise their sons. EXCUSE ME?! That I don't get. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to actually DO your job than to sit up and criticize someone forced to fill in for you?
And let's face it. If it did not take the contribution of both parents to ultimately raise a balanced human being, God would have never structured it that way. We'd lay eggs in the sand, cover them and walk away. lol!
It can be scary to think that the burden of establishing a male child's gender identification rests solely on your shoulders as a mom but fear is not from God. He has given us the grace to make it this far. Certainly, with His counsel and wisdom, it is possible for a woman to raise a responsibly masculine man.
There's so much more to the makings of a man than how big his trucks are and how far he can pee and spit.
Character and integrity are the foundation of strong men. That's something that both parents can and should contribute to.
So yea, it may be a bad idea to paint your son's toes and show him how to apply lip gloss, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting him explore and guide him. It's my job to show my children the path. It will one day be their choice to decide whether or not they will continue their journey on it.

Lord of the Mundane

I'll be the first to admit that I battle the war between being more than I am and being the best at what I am right now. Most of us with any bit of sense want to be more and achieve more before we hear the Lord say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant".
Most of us want to make a difference.
Most of us want to leave some sort of legacy behind.
Most of us want to be a constant source of inspiration to our children, and not just a constant reminder of what not to do with your life.
Since I began writing this diary, I've discovered that most mothers (single or married) face the same challenges and insecurities. There's very little that separates us. Sure, we each peer into each others' lives from a distance, believing each possesses something more valuable than the other but lets face it...
We're all relatively mundane.
There's nothing all that glamorous about washing, folding and ironing the one millionth load of laundry on a weekly basis. Nothing particularly noteworthy about learning how to steer an SUV with one hand and re-buckle a car seat with another. Oh yea, and let's not forget that new chicken recipe you discovered online that was a hit with the entire house.
Yay.
Truth of the matter is that most of us become frustrated because there is nothing particularly big going on in our daily lives!
We get up, we brush 3-4 sets of teeth, make lunches. make beds, push a vacuum, sit behind a desk, roar up and down the highway to soccer games and rehearsals, and find new ways to dress up chicken thighs. That's what mommies do.
And doesn't that just sound exciting?!
It scares most of us to think that our eulogy will contain a few dry jokes about our quick wit and maybe even a tribute to our famous chicken recipe. Okay, okay.. .enough about the chicken I know! But how many mommies are like me and rely on this bird to keep us out of starvation?! You get my point.
We turn on the tv and things go downhill from there. Nothing but success story after success story. "I started a multi million dollar cupcake business right from my studio apartment!" "I just won $335 million dollars after 30 years of constant gambling on the lottery!" "My philanthropic work in the slums of India has earned me a humanitarian award and 1 million followers on twitter!"
The list goes on.
And we bury our heads in laundry, bills, and sippy cups, feeling a little less motivated to face the world.

Where is God in all of this monotony?

It's no secret that I love the bible. That passion was ignited in part by my father but lets face it; the average child isn't thrilled to sit for hours listening to Alexander Scourby read the Old Testament on audio tape! There was something within me that loved the Word of God from an early age. Maybe it was the vivid stories and larger than life subjects that drew me in. I'm not sure what it was initially, but to this day, I still love the Word of God... in most versions.
But I've got to be honest (which I try very hard to do in this diary): it has always been very difficult for me to believe that the bible stories were real. It's not that I don't believe the Word is truth. It's just that I always considered the men and women of the bible to be on a level so far removed from average that I should never expect to experience God in any way close to what they did. Who strolls up to a 10 ft giant at the age of 17 and confidently says, "I'm going to kill you and take your head off...TODAY"? WHO DOES THAT?! lol!
And who says, "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! The enemy that you see today shall be no more", and THEN proceeds to part an entire sea?! WHO DOES THAT?!
So please bear with me. I love the bible. I love the Word. I believe every word to be true.
I've just had a hard time relating to those in the bible as "average".
Maybe that's in part because few preachers in my lifetime ever presented those same individuals as real. I understand that those who recorded the acts of God and the testimony of the saints were more concerned with documenting the awesome power of God. But I believe the church of TODAY needs to turn that documentation into something that can be believed. Rarely does anyone take a text and say, "How do you think that felt?" Because of that disconnect, I believe that many of us (myself included) have found the bible to be not much more than a storybook.
However, it is so much more.
It is a totally different experience reading the bible at 33 years of age than it was as a 7 yr old or even a 20 year old. I have a lot more life under my belt and a lot more colors to paint with on my palette. What I see now when I read the Word of God is not just a tribute to heroes and heroins. What I see now is how God time and time again, interrupted the mundane routine of average men and women and propelled them head first into their destinies.
We see the ascension of King David to power. But we don't fully appreciate the over 20 year gap between his being anointed as King and his actual ascension to that throne. The bible is full of hidden truths and those truths can be unearthed by those willing to dig.
The superheros in the bible we read were not overnight successes. Often they went years, even DECADES before God spoke to them and before anything He ever promised manifested.
DECADES.
So while you're crying into your cup of Starbucks or freshly fluffed and folded laundry, chew on that little revelation.
Not to long ago, while contemplating my life, the Holy Spirit whispered something to me. It's tough reading timelines and facebook statuses sometimes. We can be real here! Folks appear to be doing so much, and excelling so far. And there you are, little ol mundane YOU. I've never been to Spain or France. I've never left the East Coast. Never been on a plane. I'm literally proud of myself for being able to handle Atlanta traffic alone. I know people who would NEVER drive in Atlanta. Seriously.
I'm not making any major moves, nothing particularly exciting going on in my world; Just toys, juice pouches, temper tantrums, laundry, crayon marks on white walls and an SUV motoring up and down the same stretch of 3.5 miles a day.
But God spoke to me and told me, "I am the Lord of the Mundane".
That means that He doesn't need or require me to make something happen. Just because I am faithfully attending to what appears to be mundane and insignificant does not mean that I will escape His plan and purpose for my life. I don't have to be a mountain climber to one day find myself on a summit.
That's His job.
The impossible belongs to Him.
The mundane belongs to me.
As long as I do what He's given me to do faithfully, He will make sure that every blessing He's guaranteed will overtake me.
In order for something to overtake me, it has to know where I am. The blessing knows when I'll be at Wal-Mart, on my way to get gas, buying clothes at Target or stopping by Staples for office supplies.
He doesn't need a big event to create one in my life.
He is Lord of the Mundane.
In DUE SEASON, we all shall reap.
Plug up that vacuum cleaner, set the wash cycle, make those lunches and head on into the office. Whatever it is that you do, I hope this helps you to do it with a little more strength and a little more encouragement. As heroic and successful as the men and women in the bible are, they didn't start out that way. Somewhere, while attending to their mundane affairs, God met them and changed their destinies.
You will be more if you'll be faithful.
He's Lord of everything, including your mundane life.