Ok, so this is going to be a bit of a venting session. I call this a "diary" although most of the time, my aim is to be inspirational in my approach and share small nuggets of wisdom and knowledge here and there. But let's face it. It's way more interesting to know and hear that I'm a real woman that goes through the same ish as everyone else, trying to dodge the same potholes and set backs in life.
So today, I'm frustrated.
It's been nearly 8 months since my children's father and I called it quits. Well, let tell the truth: I called it quits. He may not have been the happiest man on the planet but what we had going at the time certainly didn't seem broke to him so he wasn't interested in fixing anything. After coming home from a miraculously powerful three night service in NC, my life was changed and my spiritual man awakened. All I knew was that my life was going to be different and the presence of the Lord was what I wanted and NEEDED. That meant that everything in my life that didn't appear "godly", including the relationship my children's father and I were in, had to end.
I'll be even more honest here. There was no letting him down easy. There was no "dear John" letter. I basically came back home after being gone for 4 days, ignored him for 2 weeks, and over lunch one day, I announced to him that not only was our relationship over, but that I was leaving the state within a year's time.
Boom.
And honestly, I didn't regret doing so because after all I'd endured in this relationship, it felt good to lower the boom and let him know that I FINALLY didn't feel like I had to tolerate his actions any longer. I was done. I was leaving. WE were leaving it all behind. I didn't deserve to be hurt the way I was and I didn't deserve to stay another day in what I felt was an under performing relationship. He didn't meet the criteria of the mystery "good man" and he certainly wasn't about to start attending church every Sunday and speaking in tongues just because I came home from a three day revival with a made-up mind to serve the Lord! So in my mind, the most logical thing to do would be to end our relationship instead of taking each other through the dreaded, but familiar "unequally yoked" scenario.
It wasn't until a few months later that I actually learned that the man I loved was actually hurt by my actions.
How could a "God thing" hurt someone that I cared so deeply for? I did the right thing by cutting him loose, right? RIGHT??
Hmm.
And that leads me to today.
Somehow or another, after months of virtual silence, he and I began talking again. At first it was strained and limited only to terse conversations about the well being of the children. But gradually, the conversations made their way back to familiar territory: "I'm having a craaazy day at work today!", or "Do you want to meet up for lunch?"
Let me again be honest. I never really wanted our relationship to end, but I did want it to CHANGE. I just came to the realization that I couldn't change anyone and rather than to argue and battle, women were supposed to leave. Right? RIGHT??
If it doesn't make you happy or make you smile something close to ALL the time, then you pack up and cut your losses, right? RIGHT??
After all, who wants to go another round on the familiar heartbreak carousel? Who wants to give a man another chance to hurt you?
Hmm.
Well, last weekend was fantastic. We had what I thought was great family time. We got along, we laughed, appeared to have enjoyed one another's company and he even had a whole day and a half to himself with the children alone. But that 8-9 hrs that he spent with me appears to be the issue. Let me just be really real here. Part of my problem (or insecurity) now is that he's tolerating my presence just for the sake of our children and to facilitate a drama-free interaction with them. By drama-free, he means at least getting some pleasant conversation out of me and feeling like we're friends. There's only one problem...
I don't do friendships after break up's.
I can be polite, I can be cordial. I may even ask u how you're doing.
But if we're not in a relationship, the chit chat comes to an END. BYE.
The last time we discussed our relationship "status" I was told "we're taking it one day at a time". When I was 23, that may have inspired hope in my heart. At 33, that screams, "SERIOUSLY?! We are too old to be acting like we're still test driving this thing!"
I'm also a bit annoyed by the fact that I feel like I'm on trial and if I don't perform at optimum level each time we interact, then I'll be disqualified from the competition. Boy, bye.
I'm the mother of your two children. We've known each other for 6 years.
Make a decision!
So basically, I'm venting to my blog so as not to throw about three, strongly articulated word grenades over his fence and blast him into the middle of next week! UGH!
I hate feeling like I'm on trial and being kept under observation. At the end of this trial period, I may be deemed worthy of a committed relationship.
Naw.
Not interested.
So I'm sitting here an emotional thunderstorm waiting for the heat of it all to pass.
I'll be back right in a few hours. I don't have a choice. I have far bigger fish to fry. When you're the mother of two, observant children, the last thing you want to do is have your children watch you take a swim in an above ground sizes pool of Ben & Jerry's. Gotta pull it together!
I'm trying to keep my words few to him through this. I'm sure he has his reasons for doing things the way that he does and my struggle is to try to maintain respect for his ways and opinions that so differ from mine. UGH.
But that's what growing up is all about and truthfully, that's what being in love involves. It's not easy being in a relationship and even harder to maintain one.
Too bad it isn't as lovely and glamourous as its made out to be.
Maybe that's why so many people quit at love.
I'm not saying that I'm quitting but I'm definitely taking a time-out. lol!
It's too MUUUUuuch!
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