It's been about four months since I put my life in drive and decided to move forward. It wasn't an easy decision to permanently end all future involvement with the father of my children. I was hopeful many days that things would turn out differently. There were equally as many days spent denying the truth that I knew and could plainly see.
My heart is healing. It doesn't hurt as much as it did four months ago.
I'm halfway ok with the new "girlfriend". I've never met her and it's just as well, but I have to hear about her after my children return from their visitation.
That sucks. But it's not as painful as it was.
My greatest comfort has come in knowing that I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even him.
I am single and that's ok. I'm in no hurry to get into a new relationship just to prove a point. Life is about more than proving points.
What I am thinking about is my assignment: what God put me here to do.
I'm not willing to compromise that for any man ever again.
That's the biggest takeaway lesson of all.
Nothing and no one should be worth your missing God over.
Anything that makes you willing or capable of abandoning the will of God for your life doesn't need to be in your life.
I learned that the hard way.
I spent 6 years trying to build a relationship that was not meant to be.
I should have been doing what God called me to do.
Now at 34, I feel as if I'm still young enough to accomplish a lot in life but way too old to have lived as long as I lived.
It's mind boggling just how much time can be wasted in relationships. We look up and we have gray hair.
We look up and our children are in school.
We look up and realize that we've been stuck on hold indefinitely and no one's coming back to the phone.
It's time to hang up and live.
There is certainly grace for every place. The good days outweigh the bad ones. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm excited about the future that awaits my children and me.
There's no time to waste.
I'm ready to live the life God intended for me to live.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Reality Check...
My children are quite fascinating in that they both share a characteristic that appears to be common in small children. They have a hard time distinguishing between what is real and what isn't. When it comes to their various cartoons and educational programs on tv that involve animated characters, they are completely ignited by these images to the point they begin to speak of these cartoon characters as if they could walk up to them, greet them and meet them in person. I have spent many a day (and still do) explaining to my children that while these images are fascinating and fun, they are not REAL.
It can be a challenge explaining to two small children that something they can see and hear isn't real. As a matter of fact, they still don't totally believe it! After all, sight and sound are powerfully persuasive. But the fact remains that no matter how many times they hear the voice of their favorite characters and see them move on their tv screens, they are not real.
There are plenty of things in our lives presenting themselves as real. We can see it and even hear it. However, these things that we see and hear do not align themselves with the Word of God. They contradict our faith. Anything that contradicts your faith isn't real. It is fake.
I don't care how animated or loud it is. Our reality is based on the Word of God, the preceeding Word from the very mouth of God! It isn't what we see and hear around us that leads us, or rather, should lead us. But it is what we see and hear by the Word of God that is real.
The next time something presents itself to you and causes you to doubt the promises of God spoken over your life, remember the lesson I'm trying to teach my children. Just because you can hear and see something doesn't make it real. If it's not of God and from God, it's not real.
It can be a challenge explaining to two small children that something they can see and hear isn't real. As a matter of fact, they still don't totally believe it! After all, sight and sound are powerfully persuasive. But the fact remains that no matter how many times they hear the voice of their favorite characters and see them move on their tv screens, they are not real.
There are plenty of things in our lives presenting themselves as real. We can see it and even hear it. However, these things that we see and hear do not align themselves with the Word of God. They contradict our faith. Anything that contradicts your faith isn't real. It is fake.
I don't care how animated or loud it is. Our reality is based on the Word of God, the preceeding Word from the very mouth of God! It isn't what we see and hear around us that leads us, or rather, should lead us. But it is what we see and hear by the Word of God that is real.
The next time something presents itself to you and causes you to doubt the promises of God spoken over your life, remember the lesson I'm trying to teach my children. Just because you can hear and see something doesn't make it real. If it's not of God and from God, it's not real.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Goodness, Gracious!
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever..." Psalms 23:6
I've heard this scripture verse many times over. It has given reassurance to me that one day, I will arrive at a place where I will most assuredly see Goodness and Mercy right on my heels, make everything wonderfully rosy in my life.
Hmm.
But what happens when you look at your life, whether in the past or present, and see trial after trial, challenge after challenge, hardship after hardship?
What happens when goodness and mercy looks more like Heartache and Misery when you glance over your shoulder?
What do you say when you can't see goodness and mercy behind you?
I say, with all assurance, look again.
I've had to do this in my own life, even recently.
Sure, I've faced some challenges and set backs. There were days that tears filled my eyes and discouragement wanted to put an end to me. There were many times I prayed and when I opened my eyes, everything looked the same, hell still felt like hell and pain still felt like pain. There were days I woke up frustrated and went to sleep frustrated. Nothing in my life looked like it was improving or changing.
Where was goodness and mercy then?
Here's what I missed for so long...
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow ME..."
I'm not following goodness and mercy, but goodness and mercy is following me. That means I must take some ownership over where I am and where I find myself. The steps of a good man or woman are ordered by God but I must allow Him to do so. However, even if I wander off on the wrong road; even if after a series of bad judgement calls, weighty consequences and bought lessons I find myself in a space I never would have predicted for myself, I can rest assured that even in these spaces, Goodness and Mercy followed me there and will continue to follow me, all the days of my life.
Goodness and Mercy are following you, wherever you go.
That means, yes, as much as we'd all like to make the right choices all the time, we sometimes do not. But we can rest assured that we are never alone, even in our wrong. Goodness and Mercy are there. The goodness of God speaks to His nature; His mercy speaks to His heart. No matter what happens to you, His mercy endures forever toward you. You never have to worry about facing an angry and merciless God. His mercy endures forever. His hand is upon you for good. His grace removes all excuses from your life. Grace doesn't remove us from the pig pen, it destroys the pig pen! No more wallowing in our shame and our mistakes. Grace wipes the slate clean and says, "Where are your accusers? Go your way and sin no more". Grace, when received into the life of a believer, keeps mistakes from ruining our lives. There was a period in time when the mistakes of humanity could not be overcome. Sacrifices of bulls and goats were offered up, scape goats were sent into the wilderness carrying the sins of the people. We often look to these shadows as God's righteous judgement not being satisfied with animal sacrifices. That is true. But if we struggle to overcome feelings of unworthiness and condemnation with the BLOOD OF JESUS, imagine the pain of those who have gone before us who after giving their valuable livestock for sacrifice still walked away empty inside, riddled with guilt and shame.
Jesus died not just to cleanse us from sin but to free us from guilt and condemnation.
What good is His sacrifice if we still approach God with feelings of guilt and shame? It doesn't matter how much He suffered, bled and died for us and how His sacrifice is once and for us all if we do not understand Grace.
Those who carry guilt and shame also carry a deep need to be justified.
Remember the fig leaves?
Goodness and mercy were in the Garden of Eden and passed Adam and Eve two garments made of animal skins to replace their failed attempt at covering up their nakedness.
That alone should tell us God isn't interested in our being shamed. He covers us with robes of righteousness and lifts our head. Goodness and mercy came following after Adam and Eve, even when they were running from it.
So when you feel like giving up, keep going. Why?
Goodness and mercy is right behind you and no matter where you go or where you find yourself, they will always be there for you.
Always.
I've heard this scripture verse many times over. It has given reassurance to me that one day, I will arrive at a place where I will most assuredly see Goodness and Mercy right on my heels, make everything wonderfully rosy in my life.
Hmm.
But what happens when you look at your life, whether in the past or present, and see trial after trial, challenge after challenge, hardship after hardship?
What happens when goodness and mercy looks more like Heartache and Misery when you glance over your shoulder?
What do you say when you can't see goodness and mercy behind you?
I say, with all assurance, look again.
I've had to do this in my own life, even recently.
Sure, I've faced some challenges and set backs. There were days that tears filled my eyes and discouragement wanted to put an end to me. There were many times I prayed and when I opened my eyes, everything looked the same, hell still felt like hell and pain still felt like pain. There were days I woke up frustrated and went to sleep frustrated. Nothing in my life looked like it was improving or changing.
Where was goodness and mercy then?
Here's what I missed for so long...
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow ME..."
I'm not following goodness and mercy, but goodness and mercy is following me. That means I must take some ownership over where I am and where I find myself. The steps of a good man or woman are ordered by God but I must allow Him to do so. However, even if I wander off on the wrong road; even if after a series of bad judgement calls, weighty consequences and bought lessons I find myself in a space I never would have predicted for myself, I can rest assured that even in these spaces, Goodness and Mercy followed me there and will continue to follow me, all the days of my life.
Goodness and Mercy are following you, wherever you go.
That means, yes, as much as we'd all like to make the right choices all the time, we sometimes do not. But we can rest assured that we are never alone, even in our wrong. Goodness and Mercy are there. The goodness of God speaks to His nature; His mercy speaks to His heart. No matter what happens to you, His mercy endures forever toward you. You never have to worry about facing an angry and merciless God. His mercy endures forever. His hand is upon you for good. His grace removes all excuses from your life. Grace doesn't remove us from the pig pen, it destroys the pig pen! No more wallowing in our shame and our mistakes. Grace wipes the slate clean and says, "Where are your accusers? Go your way and sin no more". Grace, when received into the life of a believer, keeps mistakes from ruining our lives. There was a period in time when the mistakes of humanity could not be overcome. Sacrifices of bulls and goats were offered up, scape goats were sent into the wilderness carrying the sins of the people. We often look to these shadows as God's righteous judgement not being satisfied with animal sacrifices. That is true. But if we struggle to overcome feelings of unworthiness and condemnation with the BLOOD OF JESUS, imagine the pain of those who have gone before us who after giving their valuable livestock for sacrifice still walked away empty inside, riddled with guilt and shame.
Jesus died not just to cleanse us from sin but to free us from guilt and condemnation.
What good is His sacrifice if we still approach God with feelings of guilt and shame? It doesn't matter how much He suffered, bled and died for us and how His sacrifice is once and for us all if we do not understand Grace.
Those who carry guilt and shame also carry a deep need to be justified.
Remember the fig leaves?
Goodness and mercy were in the Garden of Eden and passed Adam and Eve two garments made of animal skins to replace their failed attempt at covering up their nakedness.
That alone should tell us God isn't interested in our being shamed. He covers us with robes of righteousness and lifts our head. Goodness and mercy came following after Adam and Eve, even when they were running from it.
So when you feel like giving up, keep going. Why?
Goodness and mercy is right behind you and no matter where you go or where you find yourself, they will always be there for you.
Always.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Talking To Myself...
I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence. If the arithmetic is simple enough, I can handle it. I can form a complete sentence. I go about the care of my children and my home fairly well. But here lately, the Holy Spirit has been bringing things to me that I've simply overlooked or not known at all.
I wrote last year that I endured years of verbal abuse while in relationships with different men. That much you know.
That much I know.
As I sit here, on the other side of those storms, grateful to be out alive and thankful to still be in my right mind, I wondered why I still continued to struggle internally with so many thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.
What's wrong with me?
I know I'm not ugly, even though I was called that many times.
I know someone will want me and love me the way I deserve to be loved one day, even though I was told that would never happen many times.
So why, after all these years in some cases, and these months in others, do I still struggle? Why do I still feel less than free?
Then it occurred to me...
Voids in our lives can be just as painful as what we've placed in them to fill them.
What do I mean?
So you remove the negative relationship with its verbal and/or physical abuse..
But what do you put in its place?
You see, words do have power. The creative power of God was made manifest in the words He spoke.
Did you hear what I just wrote?
The creative power of God wasn't realized until He SPOKE.
His Word has the power to create what He desired. My GOD!
While I had removed the damaging words from my life, I had not replaced them with words with the power to CREATE the me I want to see!
I was silent.
I said nothing to the woman in the mirror who was diminished and battered by words on a mission to destroy her.
Day after day, I stared at what was left of me, not realizing that within me was the ability to create a new me.
The Word of God is quick and powerful... that means the Word of God is ALIVE. If I speak His Word, that power is transferred to me!
It may sound weird or even a little crazy but I'm going to start talking to myself.
If that's crazy, try walking around in a life that is based on someone else's words and living in defeat because of it!
Which is crazier?
Whenever you remove something, you must replace it with something better. That's why when so many people leave tumultuous relationships, they find themselves gravitating to another tumultuous relationship. When someone calls you a demeaning name, it's not enough to say, "It doesn't matter". You must reaffirm yourself vigorously. It's the equivalent of someone who has a cold sneezing on you. Unless you take immediate steps to sterilize yourself, you will become infected.
When you remove something from your life, a void is created. Unfortunately, that void has energy and will attract whatever will fit into it to satisfy its need to be filled.
Christ Jesus is the perfect fit but you must be diligent and know that so many other things desire to enter your life wherever there are voids.
I want His Word to consume me until He fills every empty space.
I wrote last year that I endured years of verbal abuse while in relationships with different men. That much you know.
That much I know.
As I sit here, on the other side of those storms, grateful to be out alive and thankful to still be in my right mind, I wondered why I still continued to struggle internally with so many thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.
What's wrong with me?
I know I'm not ugly, even though I was called that many times.
I know someone will want me and love me the way I deserve to be loved one day, even though I was told that would never happen many times.
So why, after all these years in some cases, and these months in others, do I still struggle? Why do I still feel less than free?
Then it occurred to me...
Voids in our lives can be just as painful as what we've placed in them to fill them.
What do I mean?
So you remove the negative relationship with its verbal and/or physical abuse..
But what do you put in its place?
You see, words do have power. The creative power of God was made manifest in the words He spoke.
Did you hear what I just wrote?
The creative power of God wasn't realized until He SPOKE.
His Word has the power to create what He desired. My GOD!
While I had removed the damaging words from my life, I had not replaced them with words with the power to CREATE the me I want to see!
I was silent.
I said nothing to the woman in the mirror who was diminished and battered by words on a mission to destroy her.
Day after day, I stared at what was left of me, not realizing that within me was the ability to create a new me.
The Word of God is quick and powerful... that means the Word of God is ALIVE. If I speak His Word, that power is transferred to me!
It may sound weird or even a little crazy but I'm going to start talking to myself.
If that's crazy, try walking around in a life that is based on someone else's words and living in defeat because of it!
Which is crazier?
Whenever you remove something, you must replace it with something better. That's why when so many people leave tumultuous relationships, they find themselves gravitating to another tumultuous relationship. When someone calls you a demeaning name, it's not enough to say, "It doesn't matter". You must reaffirm yourself vigorously. It's the equivalent of someone who has a cold sneezing on you. Unless you take immediate steps to sterilize yourself, you will become infected.
When you remove something from your life, a void is created. Unfortunately, that void has energy and will attract whatever will fit into it to satisfy its need to be filled.
Christ Jesus is the perfect fit but you must be diligent and know that so many other things desire to enter your life wherever there are voids.
I want His Word to consume me until He fills every empty space.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Who Cares?
One of the biggest mistakes I've made in my walk with the Lord is taking on a very negative attitude regarding how my Heavenly Father deals with me. It is so easy to behave like a spoiled brat when the God you serve is so generous. What if we were docked 10 beats of our heart per hour when we fell short or 15 seconds of breathing every minute? One of the important things I had to learn about God is that He is not spiteful. I may be at times and those I may have to deal with occasionally may be, but my God isn't. He doesn't return to me what I give to Him.
He's not out to get me.
That's hard to believe when you've been sold a religion all your life that tells you to see God through a lens of "good" and "bad". Yes, it's true that God is good. But as my spiritual leader, Apostle Watson so eloquently put it, "God is good but He isn't nice".
Wow. Ain't THAT the truth?
Think of it this way. I consider myself to be an ok mom...lol! Well, for the sake of this blog entry, I'll call myself "good". But when it comes to my children, and moments of discipline, I don't always appear to be nice. However, I am still GOOD even when I must discipline them. If I was a bad mom, I wouldn't correct the behavior that could lead to their destruction in the long run.
I've been guilty of treating God like a glorified vending machine. I press F-2 and wait for my delicious honeybun (which I DO NOT eat anymore, thank you... lol!) to come rolling down into the bin. But instead, granola rolls down. What happens? I throw a fit! I bang on the machine, shake it, curse at it, and call it broken. If God were a vending machine, there would be something wrong with Him if we asked Him for a honeybun and instead He gave us granola. But He's not a vending machine, or a genie or a slave to our wants and desires. He is a Father and it is His responsibility to give us "good and perfect" gifts.
I can't tell you how many times I've made a decision my children didn't agree with and laughed, sometimes aloud and told them, "I don't care how mad you get. BE mad. It's still not going to happen because it's not good for you!" Any parent worth his or her salt knows that it's almost impossible to do the right thing by your child without becoming the bad parent in their eyes.
IMPOSSIBLE.
At some point, whether it's the kicking, screaming toddler or the cursing swearing teenager, a parent must accept the title of "enemy" to their children. Parenting requires patience. There is some suffering involved. You have to know as a parent that although they can't see it now, one day, they will see the wisdom of your words and the love in your correction. They will see for themselves the pitfalls they were spared because you loved them enough to be the bad guy. Some children may even apologize for being so disrespectful in their state of immaturity and ignorance.
But most parents who love their children won't think much of it. Instead they realize it comes with the territory and are thankful that now, with the passage of time, their children have grown in maturity and understanding and are now able to make their contribution to the world.
I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to sink into the well of self pity. Does anybody really care about what I'm going through? Does anybody see how hard it is to be a single mom? Does anyone give a flying flip about everything I have to deal with in a day? An hour? Per minute?
It's easy to assume God doesn't care when you get down to pray, push F-2 and expect for your honeybun prayer to be answered.
But what if what God desires to send into your life is far better and superior to what you're asking Him to give you? If He is the One with the advantage of foresight and omniscience, what kind of God would He be if He gave you less than best? So if He doesn't send the honeybun that you requested, can you see past the denial and trust Him for a better answer?
God sees everything you go through. You're not some distant dot on the face of the planet that is barely seen under a microscope to Him. You're as near to God as the palm of His hand. Your ways are ever before Him. He's intimately acquainted with you and knows your thoughts a long way off. There's no escaping Him. He's honed in on you! So before you take up a case against Him, remember this about Him. He cares about you. Everything in your life is a result of His care. Even in difficulties, His mercy and grace can be seen. Even in disappointments, His love is evident.
When you pray, it is important to keep a few things in mind. Most of us pray in a sort of "auto pilot" fashion. We pray out of habit, but make no real heart or head connection to the words we speak or the One we're talking to. So here are a few things to keep in mind when you pray:
You are heard! Sounds simple, right? Well, you'd be surprised just how easy it is to forget that God hears you when you pray to Him and He's LISTENING. You're not talking to the ceiling or even to yourself. You have His full attention when you come before Him in prayer. Because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ, we enjoy access to the Father and are recipients of the abundance of His mercy and grace. Come before Him understanding this and your prayer life will begin to change for the better.
You are loved. Again, sounds like a no brainer, right? But far too many of us come before God almost ducking for cover, expecting lightning bolts to hit us at any given moment. Many of us feel punished by God through our life's circumstances. We assume that when adversity comes, it is God's wrath. Here's something you should know: Those God loves, He chastens or "corrects". God can use adversity to correct us but it is NEVER an act of His anger. Trust me, if God were completely angry with you, you'd be CONSUMED, wiped out... NO MORE. If you're still here reading and blinking, you can rest assured that God isn't angry with you. He loves you and if something is happening in your life that feels too difficult, He desires to walk with you through that circumstance and show you a better way to live. Receive the correction of the Lord with gladness. Realize God is FOR you. This is important because if you can see God for the loving God He is, you'll stop seeing everything in your life that may not line up with your idea of perfection as His displeasure with you.
So the next time you feel tempted to exclaim in frustration, "WHO CARES?!", believe with all sincerity that GOD cares. He cared enough to send His very best gift to you, which is His Son, Jesus Christ. He is committed to your perfection, your maturity and your growth in Him. He may have found you in a mess but He will not leave you in one. Sometimes your life feels like it's being turned upside down and sometimes, it actually is. But this is only because He must remove things that hinder your advancement in the long run. Some things make you comfortable but they do NOT make you better. God is not angry at you or waiting to stomp you flat. He may not be nice, but He is ALWAYS good. God cares and you need to know this today. It doesn't matter how many times you've messed up and missed. Come to Him and believe that #1, you are heard and #2 you are loved. It's time you allowed God to be more than a vending machine that's marked "out of order" in your life. Allow Him to be who He's always been, and that's your Heavenly Father.
He's not out to get me.
That's hard to believe when you've been sold a religion all your life that tells you to see God through a lens of "good" and "bad". Yes, it's true that God is good. But as my spiritual leader, Apostle Watson so eloquently put it, "God is good but He isn't nice".
Wow. Ain't THAT the truth?
Think of it this way. I consider myself to be an ok mom...lol! Well, for the sake of this blog entry, I'll call myself "good". But when it comes to my children, and moments of discipline, I don't always appear to be nice. However, I am still GOOD even when I must discipline them. If I was a bad mom, I wouldn't correct the behavior that could lead to their destruction in the long run.
I've been guilty of treating God like a glorified vending machine. I press F-2 and wait for my delicious honeybun (which I DO NOT eat anymore, thank you... lol!) to come rolling down into the bin. But instead, granola rolls down. What happens? I throw a fit! I bang on the machine, shake it, curse at it, and call it broken. If God were a vending machine, there would be something wrong with Him if we asked Him for a honeybun and instead He gave us granola. But He's not a vending machine, or a genie or a slave to our wants and desires. He is a Father and it is His responsibility to give us "good and perfect" gifts.
I can't tell you how many times I've made a decision my children didn't agree with and laughed, sometimes aloud and told them, "I don't care how mad you get. BE mad. It's still not going to happen because it's not good for you!" Any parent worth his or her salt knows that it's almost impossible to do the right thing by your child without becoming the bad parent in their eyes.
IMPOSSIBLE.
At some point, whether it's the kicking, screaming toddler or the cursing swearing teenager, a parent must accept the title of "enemy" to their children. Parenting requires patience. There is some suffering involved. You have to know as a parent that although they can't see it now, one day, they will see the wisdom of your words and the love in your correction. They will see for themselves the pitfalls they were spared because you loved them enough to be the bad guy. Some children may even apologize for being so disrespectful in their state of immaturity and ignorance.
But most parents who love their children won't think much of it. Instead they realize it comes with the territory and are thankful that now, with the passage of time, their children have grown in maturity and understanding and are now able to make their contribution to the world.
I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to sink into the well of self pity. Does anybody really care about what I'm going through? Does anybody see how hard it is to be a single mom? Does anyone give a flying flip about everything I have to deal with in a day? An hour? Per minute?
It's easy to assume God doesn't care when you get down to pray, push F-2 and expect for your honeybun prayer to be answered.
But what if what God desires to send into your life is far better and superior to what you're asking Him to give you? If He is the One with the advantage of foresight and omniscience, what kind of God would He be if He gave you less than best? So if He doesn't send the honeybun that you requested, can you see past the denial and trust Him for a better answer?
God sees everything you go through. You're not some distant dot on the face of the planet that is barely seen under a microscope to Him. You're as near to God as the palm of His hand. Your ways are ever before Him. He's intimately acquainted with you and knows your thoughts a long way off. There's no escaping Him. He's honed in on you! So before you take up a case against Him, remember this about Him. He cares about you. Everything in your life is a result of His care. Even in difficulties, His mercy and grace can be seen. Even in disappointments, His love is evident.
When you pray, it is important to keep a few things in mind. Most of us pray in a sort of "auto pilot" fashion. We pray out of habit, but make no real heart or head connection to the words we speak or the One we're talking to. So here are a few things to keep in mind when you pray:
You are heard! Sounds simple, right? Well, you'd be surprised just how easy it is to forget that God hears you when you pray to Him and He's LISTENING. You're not talking to the ceiling or even to yourself. You have His full attention when you come before Him in prayer. Because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ, we enjoy access to the Father and are recipients of the abundance of His mercy and grace. Come before Him understanding this and your prayer life will begin to change for the better.
You are loved. Again, sounds like a no brainer, right? But far too many of us come before God almost ducking for cover, expecting lightning bolts to hit us at any given moment. Many of us feel punished by God through our life's circumstances. We assume that when adversity comes, it is God's wrath. Here's something you should know: Those God loves, He chastens or "corrects". God can use adversity to correct us but it is NEVER an act of His anger. Trust me, if God were completely angry with you, you'd be CONSUMED, wiped out... NO MORE. If you're still here reading and blinking, you can rest assured that God isn't angry with you. He loves you and if something is happening in your life that feels too difficult, He desires to walk with you through that circumstance and show you a better way to live. Receive the correction of the Lord with gladness. Realize God is FOR you. This is important because if you can see God for the loving God He is, you'll stop seeing everything in your life that may not line up with your idea of perfection as His displeasure with you.
So the next time you feel tempted to exclaim in frustration, "WHO CARES?!", believe with all sincerity that GOD cares. He cared enough to send His very best gift to you, which is His Son, Jesus Christ. He is committed to your perfection, your maturity and your growth in Him. He may have found you in a mess but He will not leave you in one. Sometimes your life feels like it's being turned upside down and sometimes, it actually is. But this is only because He must remove things that hinder your advancement in the long run. Some things make you comfortable but they do NOT make you better. God is not angry at you or waiting to stomp you flat. He may not be nice, but He is ALWAYS good. God cares and you need to know this today. It doesn't matter how many times you've messed up and missed. Come to Him and believe that #1, you are heard and #2 you are loved. It's time you allowed God to be more than a vending machine that's marked "out of order" in your life. Allow Him to be who He's always been, and that's your Heavenly Father.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Surface Cleaning...
The expression "surface cleaning" is immediately understood by busy moms and homemakers alike. There are days when cleaning things only on their surfaces is a major achievement! With so many obligations to meet, busy schedules to juggle and lives to manage, surface cleaning seems like an easy and almost necessary solution.
Here's why I hate surface cleaning.
I've moved a few times in my life. As far as I'm concerned, I keep a moderately neat home. However, without fail, when it's time to pack up and move from a space, everything that was hidden beneath the surface of things: behind the fridge, under the bed, between the dresser and wall, suddenly comes into plain view. It's quite unbelievable just how much stuff can accumulate under beds, sofas, chairs and dressers over a period of time. You can clean the surface faithfully and daily...
But if you overlook what's underneath the surface and WITHIN it...
You're missing a ton of debris.
Matthew 23:28 puts it this way: "In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness".
Jesus was referring to the scribes and pharisees in this particular discourse but it bears mentioning and application to our own lives. At some point, we've all been guilty of living religious and good looking lives that appeared to be all together lovely on their surfaces. But once our lives were held up under the light of God's Word, the cracks, dents, and dirt became more and more evident. Once the Water of the Word begins to wash us, we begin to see all of the filth and debris our hearts have held on to for so long.
Surface cleaning is quick and easy.
But surface cleaning doesn't clean.
It deceives.
God wants to move us from a life that looks good to a life that IS good. He wants to not only cleanse us from all unrighteousness but to make us righteous. His plan for us is to give us a future full of hope and authenticity in Him. The life that we live through and by His Son Jesus will be real, whole and genuine.
The inside will match the outside.
No more dealing with just the surface. No more being content with appearing to have it all together while internally, we're falling apart.
No more whitewashed tomb living.
No more surface cleaning.
It's time to allow the Holy Spirit to cleanse us thoroughly and deeply in Truth.
Here's why I hate surface cleaning.
I've moved a few times in my life. As far as I'm concerned, I keep a moderately neat home. However, without fail, when it's time to pack up and move from a space, everything that was hidden beneath the surface of things: behind the fridge, under the bed, between the dresser and wall, suddenly comes into plain view. It's quite unbelievable just how much stuff can accumulate under beds, sofas, chairs and dressers over a period of time. You can clean the surface faithfully and daily...
But if you overlook what's underneath the surface and WITHIN it...
You're missing a ton of debris.
Matthew 23:28 puts it this way: "In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness".
Jesus was referring to the scribes and pharisees in this particular discourse but it bears mentioning and application to our own lives. At some point, we've all been guilty of living religious and good looking lives that appeared to be all together lovely on their surfaces. But once our lives were held up under the light of God's Word, the cracks, dents, and dirt became more and more evident. Once the Water of the Word begins to wash us, we begin to see all of the filth and debris our hearts have held on to for so long.
Surface cleaning is quick and easy.
But surface cleaning doesn't clean.
It deceives.
God wants to move us from a life that looks good to a life that IS good. He wants to not only cleanse us from all unrighteousness but to make us righteous. His plan for us is to give us a future full of hope and authenticity in Him. The life that we live through and by His Son Jesus will be real, whole and genuine.
The inside will match the outside.
No more dealing with just the surface. No more being content with appearing to have it all together while internally, we're falling apart.
No more whitewashed tomb living.
No more surface cleaning.
It's time to allow the Holy Spirit to cleanse us thoroughly and deeply in Truth.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Mad Men...
One of the things I strive to be in this blog is transparent. Well, let me be transparent about my single life and dating experience. It has been dreary. lol!
A lot of fuss is made of women being bitter, angry, wounded, hurt and broken from past relationships and past hurts. We have movies about our anger, plays about our pain, and novels about our issues.
What you don't hear a lot about is what many women like myself have encountered in our singleness: that is the Mad Man.
These are the men who while in the first few conversations of getting to know you can't stop talking about their ex wives or their ex girlfriends who ran off with the mailman or emptied his bank account and left him homeless and sleeping in his car.
This is the man who no longer sends flowers or makes any real effort to date or court a woman because after all, women don't appreciate such niceties and mistake kindness for weakness.
These are the men who make no effort to impress the women they initially show interest in. They text instead of calling directly over the phone, they make no effort to assist the women by so much as opening her car door or carrying her heavy bags and the ones who proudly declare that chivalry is dead because women killed it.
These are the men who cast a suspicious eye in the direction of any woman who tries to show him any genuine care and concern. He's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If a woman is "too nice" to him, she's obviously a con artist who's trying to play him for a fool. He's the guy who falls madly in love with a woman who curses, swears, calls him everything but a child of God, won't give him a glass of water in a hot burning desert, and treats him as if he's completely disposable. He camps out in front of her door begging for a drop of her attention, while the woman willing to honor him gets ignored and left on the curb.
He's the man who's decided that marriage is for losers so the best thing to do is let a woman treat him like she's his wife while giving her just enough hope to keep her hanging on. He's the man who cannot be bothered with talk of deeper commitment, and will quickly retort, "If it aint broke, don't fix it". He's the man who doesn't say "all women are bad"... he says all the right things, but he keeps his heart and true motives under lock and key so the woman he does bring near to him never truly knows where she stands with him and he never truly tells her if their relationship is significant to him. He's the man who is present but completely emotionally unavailable.
Most single women of maturity will tell you they've ran up on some Mad Men a time or two. It's not just a certain age range anymore. Young and old, rich and poor. There are just as many Mad Men as Angry Women.
Why am I writing this?
I'm writing this because often the emphasis for deliverance from the pain of our past is placed on women. But I believe the church needs to change this dynamic to include men.
There are just as many men suffering from emotional pain and damage as women, and arguably, there are more because most suffer in silence. Their pain is masked in anger issues, substance abuse and promiscuity. A promiscuous man is socially acceptable but that doesn't mean he isn't hurting and broken just like a promiscuous woman.
If you are a Mad Man or know a man who is, I encourage you to pray for that man, specifically that God would heal the pain of his heart. These men are our fathers, brothers, pastors, husbands, uncles and leaders. These men serve as our law enforcement, our judges, our military personnel and our educators. When you think of it like that, you begin to see just how important it is for these men to be healed and delivered.
Maybe you were married to a Mad Man once before. Maybe the father of your children is a Mad Man. Maybe even your brother or best friend is a Mad Man. His relationships never seem to function as they should because of the pain he harbors either from childhood or the relationships of his past. But there is hope! Many women have emerged from brokenness into the Light of God's glory and Grace. Many women have come to know that the past is OVER in Jesus. They no longer have to live as slaves to their past or the people who created painful memories. Some women had several men hurt them but because of the delivering power of God, they have not judged all men and have gone on to live happy and fulfilled lives in healthy relationships.
Deliverance is available to all...not just women.
Mad Men can find peace and joy too.
If you are reading this and are a Mad Man, I pray that you will reach out in prayer to God. I also pray that you would reach out to a trusted clergy member or counselor. You don't have to live in this prison of anger and frustration. You don't have to pass down a legacy of pain, violence, absence, and promiscuity to your sons and daughters. You can be free. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
Today could be the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
If I were you, I'd take that step and end what has been a long life of pain to walk in the brightness of a hopeful future in Christ Jesus.
You don't have to be a Mad Man.
Be God's Man.
A lot of fuss is made of women being bitter, angry, wounded, hurt and broken from past relationships and past hurts. We have movies about our anger, plays about our pain, and novels about our issues.
What you don't hear a lot about is what many women like myself have encountered in our singleness: that is the Mad Man.
These are the men who while in the first few conversations of getting to know you can't stop talking about their ex wives or their ex girlfriends who ran off with the mailman or emptied his bank account and left him homeless and sleeping in his car.
This is the man who no longer sends flowers or makes any real effort to date or court a woman because after all, women don't appreciate such niceties and mistake kindness for weakness.
These are the men who make no effort to impress the women they initially show interest in. They text instead of calling directly over the phone, they make no effort to assist the women by so much as opening her car door or carrying her heavy bags and the ones who proudly declare that chivalry is dead because women killed it.
These are the men who cast a suspicious eye in the direction of any woman who tries to show him any genuine care and concern. He's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If a woman is "too nice" to him, she's obviously a con artist who's trying to play him for a fool. He's the guy who falls madly in love with a woman who curses, swears, calls him everything but a child of God, won't give him a glass of water in a hot burning desert, and treats him as if he's completely disposable. He camps out in front of her door begging for a drop of her attention, while the woman willing to honor him gets ignored and left on the curb.
He's the man who's decided that marriage is for losers so the best thing to do is let a woman treat him like she's his wife while giving her just enough hope to keep her hanging on. He's the man who cannot be bothered with talk of deeper commitment, and will quickly retort, "If it aint broke, don't fix it". He's the man who doesn't say "all women are bad"... he says all the right things, but he keeps his heart and true motives under lock and key so the woman he does bring near to him never truly knows where she stands with him and he never truly tells her if their relationship is significant to him. He's the man who is present but completely emotionally unavailable.
Most single women of maturity will tell you they've ran up on some Mad Men a time or two. It's not just a certain age range anymore. Young and old, rich and poor. There are just as many Mad Men as Angry Women.
Why am I writing this?
I'm writing this because often the emphasis for deliverance from the pain of our past is placed on women. But I believe the church needs to change this dynamic to include men.
There are just as many men suffering from emotional pain and damage as women, and arguably, there are more because most suffer in silence. Their pain is masked in anger issues, substance abuse and promiscuity. A promiscuous man is socially acceptable but that doesn't mean he isn't hurting and broken just like a promiscuous woman.
If you are a Mad Man or know a man who is, I encourage you to pray for that man, specifically that God would heal the pain of his heart. These men are our fathers, brothers, pastors, husbands, uncles and leaders. These men serve as our law enforcement, our judges, our military personnel and our educators. When you think of it like that, you begin to see just how important it is for these men to be healed and delivered.
Maybe you were married to a Mad Man once before. Maybe the father of your children is a Mad Man. Maybe even your brother or best friend is a Mad Man. His relationships never seem to function as they should because of the pain he harbors either from childhood or the relationships of his past. But there is hope! Many women have emerged from brokenness into the Light of God's glory and Grace. Many women have come to know that the past is OVER in Jesus. They no longer have to live as slaves to their past or the people who created painful memories. Some women had several men hurt them but because of the delivering power of God, they have not judged all men and have gone on to live happy and fulfilled lives in healthy relationships.
Deliverance is available to all...not just women.
Mad Men can find peace and joy too.
If you are reading this and are a Mad Man, I pray that you will reach out in prayer to God. I also pray that you would reach out to a trusted clergy member or counselor. You don't have to live in this prison of anger and frustration. You don't have to pass down a legacy of pain, violence, absence, and promiscuity to your sons and daughters. You can be free. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
Today could be the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
If I were you, I'd take that step and end what has been a long life of pain to walk in the brightness of a hopeful future in Christ Jesus.
You don't have to be a Mad Man.
Be God's Man.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
A Word Of Encouragement...
It's been a moment since I last blogged. I apologize for the delay. Things have been a bit hectic around my way. I just finished a 21 day fast last weekend which was intense. Also, I've been working on my book which has been one of the most challenging projects for me to birth. For some strange reason, writing comes easily but writing a book specifically has presented a challenge to me. I do believe that's because a book is another level where God desires to take me. Of course we know that new levels bring new challenges. I won't say "devils" because I aint claiming that! lol! So when I do get a creative writing flow, I've been devoting my energy and efforts to my book. So many of you have told me personally that you would support a book if I wrote one. I don't feel pressured by this (hehe) but I do realize that it is another ministry tool that you all could put into the hands of men and women that you feel could be blessed by it who may not necessarily want to log into a computer and read a blog entry. Those of you who care, please continue to uplift me in prayer and ask that God would continue to open up a door of creativity so that I can give birth to this baby book!
I do believe it is going to be GOOD and so far what I've written has never been seen by you all before and is straight from the throne room of God. I believe you will be blessed. Continue to pray and support. I will blog as much as possible during this season but if you don't see updates from me as often, at least now you know why.
I wanted to encourage you today to remain focused. Distractions come in so many forms and from so many sources. Destination finds its root in the word "destiny". To to have a destination is a place to go; to have a destiny is to arrive there. So many things pop up in life to get you off your journey. Let me give you an example. Maybe at the first of the year you were determined to achieve a certain weight loss and fitness goal. Now, here we are in March. You look up and realize you haven't been to the gym and you're snacking on hot buttered yeast rolls. Yea, that's a problem. lol! A distraction is anything that takes your eyes and ultimately your attention away from your original intent and destination. Sounds can distract you. You turn your head and move your eyes in the direction of the sound. It isn't your ears that lead the body but your EYES. When your eyes are fixed on the place you want to go, the body has no choice but to follow, no matter what the ears are picking up or even the nose is smelling. As long as the eyes remain fixed, that's where the body will go.
I want to encourage you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus despite any hardships and challenges you may be facing today. Maybe you've received some grim projections on your job or maybe your family life is in complete turmoil. Whatever the case may be, recognize when circumstances are attempting to divert your eyes away from the destiny that God has promised you. Constantly assess your situation and your position in life. Are you walking where you declared you would or have you gotten off course? We must constantly be on guard and recalibrate our steps to fall in line with the Word of God and His ultimate plan for us.
Don't be distracted. Dissolve distractions.
Keep your eyes on Jesus and continue on towards your destiny!
I do believe it is going to be GOOD and so far what I've written has never been seen by you all before and is straight from the throne room of God. I believe you will be blessed. Continue to pray and support. I will blog as much as possible during this season but if you don't see updates from me as often, at least now you know why.
I wanted to encourage you today to remain focused. Distractions come in so many forms and from so many sources. Destination finds its root in the word "destiny". To to have a destination is a place to go; to have a destiny is to arrive there. So many things pop up in life to get you off your journey. Let me give you an example. Maybe at the first of the year you were determined to achieve a certain weight loss and fitness goal. Now, here we are in March. You look up and realize you haven't been to the gym and you're snacking on hot buttered yeast rolls. Yea, that's a problem. lol! A distraction is anything that takes your eyes and ultimately your attention away from your original intent and destination. Sounds can distract you. You turn your head and move your eyes in the direction of the sound. It isn't your ears that lead the body but your EYES. When your eyes are fixed on the place you want to go, the body has no choice but to follow, no matter what the ears are picking up or even the nose is smelling. As long as the eyes remain fixed, that's where the body will go.
I want to encourage you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus despite any hardships and challenges you may be facing today. Maybe you've received some grim projections on your job or maybe your family life is in complete turmoil. Whatever the case may be, recognize when circumstances are attempting to divert your eyes away from the destiny that God has promised you. Constantly assess your situation and your position in life. Are you walking where you declared you would or have you gotten off course? We must constantly be on guard and recalibrate our steps to fall in line with the Word of God and His ultimate plan for us.
Don't be distracted. Dissolve distractions.
Keep your eyes on Jesus and continue on towards your destiny!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Legendary Mother...
I've been very quiet about my thoughts and feelings on the passing of the legendary and incomparable Whitney Houston. It hasn't been because I do not care but rather because I do. Some deaths, when they occur give us pause. When Elvis Presley passed away, the nation paused. When Michael Jackson died, the world mourned. Now that the world has experienced the loss of another incredible gift, I can't help but ponder its deeper meaning.
I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time pontificating about Ms. Houston's achievements because they are numerous. Also, the news media has done a fantastic job of mentioning her successes.
What I will point out is that few realize as I do that her greatest achievement of all was not her numerous Grammy awards or blockbuster success, but her child.
Whitney Houston was a single mom, just like me.
While many would seek to call her a "bad mom" because of her personal struggles, I don't. The truth of the matter is that many mothers struggle with a variety of things but fortunately, their struggles don't have to be played out in public. I haven't always made the best choices for myself and ultimately those choices did trickle down to my children. I haven't always done the smart thing. I haven't always been a selfless mom. I thank God today for the opportunity to make things better and to keep trying to get it right. But a child today will lay her mother and friend to rest, not a pop legend.
When I think of my two children and the enormous love they have for me and capacity to forgive, my heart aches for Bobbi Kristina. No one can imagine what she is going through unless they've been there. Her mother may have been famous to the world, but she was first and foremost a mother to her. Despite her shortcomings, her mother is the one who raised her, cared for her and nurtured her. Theirs was a relationship and bond that could not be fully known by anyone on the outside. My love for my own children is something I never would imagine my life being gifted with. It is intense. It is beautiful and it is a blessing.
Single mothers face challenges that many in society don't recognize. We must provide for our homes but at the same time, figure out a way to be connected to those we love and stay involved in their lives. Many of us carry hurt and pain from past relationships that we must daily strive to manage and keep in perspective so that we are present and available to meet the emotional needs of our children. It may look easy but the job of a mother is far from it.
Not only are you expected to look perfect at all times, when things aren't perfect, you are to blame.
Today is a time of mourning for a family and a world who were all impacted by one woman's extraordinary gift. While many will mourn and continue to mourn for a variety of reasons...and some will point out that she lost her voice a long time ago...
That was not her greatest gift to the world.
Her greatest gift to her family was herself and they loved her, even if she never sang another song.
She was loved by so many just for who she was.
And her daughter will always love her for being her mom and not just an icon.
I'm inspired more than ever to remember that I and I alone am a gift to the world and to my family.
Just me.
I am enough.
If I am legendary for anything at all in this life, I want it to be for the love and push forward that I gave to my two children. If that is said of me, my living will not have been in vain.
Rest in Jesus Whitney.
I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time pontificating about Ms. Houston's achievements because they are numerous. Also, the news media has done a fantastic job of mentioning her successes.
What I will point out is that few realize as I do that her greatest achievement of all was not her numerous Grammy awards or blockbuster success, but her child.
Whitney Houston was a single mom, just like me.
While many would seek to call her a "bad mom" because of her personal struggles, I don't. The truth of the matter is that many mothers struggle with a variety of things but fortunately, their struggles don't have to be played out in public. I haven't always made the best choices for myself and ultimately those choices did trickle down to my children. I haven't always done the smart thing. I haven't always been a selfless mom. I thank God today for the opportunity to make things better and to keep trying to get it right. But a child today will lay her mother and friend to rest, not a pop legend.
When I think of my two children and the enormous love they have for me and capacity to forgive, my heart aches for Bobbi Kristina. No one can imagine what she is going through unless they've been there. Her mother may have been famous to the world, but she was first and foremost a mother to her. Despite her shortcomings, her mother is the one who raised her, cared for her and nurtured her. Theirs was a relationship and bond that could not be fully known by anyone on the outside. My love for my own children is something I never would imagine my life being gifted with. It is intense. It is beautiful and it is a blessing.
Single mothers face challenges that many in society don't recognize. We must provide for our homes but at the same time, figure out a way to be connected to those we love and stay involved in their lives. Many of us carry hurt and pain from past relationships that we must daily strive to manage and keep in perspective so that we are present and available to meet the emotional needs of our children. It may look easy but the job of a mother is far from it.
Not only are you expected to look perfect at all times, when things aren't perfect, you are to blame.
Today is a time of mourning for a family and a world who were all impacted by one woman's extraordinary gift. While many will mourn and continue to mourn for a variety of reasons...and some will point out that she lost her voice a long time ago...
That was not her greatest gift to the world.
Her greatest gift to her family was herself and they loved her, even if she never sang another song.
She was loved by so many just for who she was.
And her daughter will always love her for being her mom and not just an icon.
I'm inspired more than ever to remember that I and I alone am a gift to the world and to my family.
Just me.
I am enough.
If I am legendary for anything at all in this life, I want it to be for the love and push forward that I gave to my two children. If that is said of me, my living will not have been in vain.
Rest in Jesus Whitney.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
By His Hands We Shall Be Fed...
Both my children are picky eaters in their own right. I've pretty much learned their ways to the point I can get them both nourished with little resistance. However, every now and then my youngest, Caitlyn likes to put up an unusual challenge.
While shopping, she asked for s'mores pop tarts. I was a little hesitant to buy them but she won me over with her persistence and begging. When it was breakfast time the next day, she asked for some. She took one tiny bite and calmly declared, "I don't like it".
REALLY LITTLE GIRL?!
That's what I was screaming inside, I promise. lol!
But instead, I began to think.
Finally, I said to her, "It has marshmallows in it. I know you like those".
"Marshmallows?" she replied.
I knew I had her then.
She took another little bite, and then another.
Then she looked up at me and asked, "Will you feed me?"
Most times I let her eat on her own but when she's struggling with a particular dish, I will step in to make sure she gets finished.
So bit by bit, I passed it to her and eventually, she finished her once un-liked pop tarts.
I can't help but think about our Heavenly Father and His loving care of His children.
How many times have we declared that we didn't like something, simply because we didn't know what it was? But once He brought clarity to our minds, we began to embrace that thing and be nourished by it.
Sometimes adversity comes and it doesn't look good. It's different, strange and doesn't smell familiar. But it's time to arise and eat from His hand.
It will nourish you.
It will strengthen you.
It will satisfy your soul.
When you struggle to eat what He has set before you, whether it be a situation or a passage of scripture, simply say, "Lord, feed me".
By His hand you shall be fed.
He is our daily bread and He will give you the grace you need to finish.
While shopping, she asked for s'mores pop tarts. I was a little hesitant to buy them but she won me over with her persistence and begging. When it was breakfast time the next day, she asked for some. She took one tiny bite and calmly declared, "I don't like it".
REALLY LITTLE GIRL?!
That's what I was screaming inside, I promise. lol!
But instead, I began to think.
Finally, I said to her, "It has marshmallows in it. I know you like those".
"Marshmallows?" she replied.
I knew I had her then.
She took another little bite, and then another.
Then she looked up at me and asked, "Will you feed me?"
Most times I let her eat on her own but when she's struggling with a particular dish, I will step in to make sure she gets finished.
So bit by bit, I passed it to her and eventually, she finished her once un-liked pop tarts.
I can't help but think about our Heavenly Father and His loving care of His children.
How many times have we declared that we didn't like something, simply because we didn't know what it was? But once He brought clarity to our minds, we began to embrace that thing and be nourished by it.
Sometimes adversity comes and it doesn't look good. It's different, strange and doesn't smell familiar. But it's time to arise and eat from His hand.
It will nourish you.
It will strengthen you.
It will satisfy your soul.
When you struggle to eat what He has set before you, whether it be a situation or a passage of scripture, simply say, "Lord, feed me".
By His hand you shall be fed.
He is our daily bread and He will give you the grace you need to finish.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Hurting In More Than One Place...
It's one thing to be injured and hurting.
It's quite another experience to be hurting and injured in more than one place.
I suffered a freak accident today.
I cut my forearm on a broken picture frame.
I took a picture of it because honestly, I was astonished at such a severe injury. I've never been cut this deeply in my entire life.
My sister seems to think I need stitches.
We'll see. lol!
I'll spare you all the pictures because not everyone can stomach such pictures. Heck, I can barely stomach it! Thankfully, I have my mom here who helped me quickly clean and bind up the wound with gauze.
At first I didn't feel much of anything. I just stared at this gaping, nearly two inch gash in my arm. I saw parts of my arm that probably should be left to the medical professionals to view.
But now it hurts.
I know it's there.
Before I hurt my arm, I was fighting a cold.
Body aches.
Runny nose.
I'm feeling better but I'm still fighting.
But now I'm hurting in more than one place.
It would be nice if we could deal with one thing at a time; one hurt at a time.
But sometimes, both naturally and spiritually, we have to deal with more than one source and more than one place of pain.
Maybe it's a painful past and a painful present.
Maybe it's a sickness in your body while battling to stay afloat financially.
Maybe it's a stressful job and a deteriorating marriage.
There are so many places you can hurt and unfortunately, we can experience hurt in all of those places at once.
I'm debating whether or not to get stitches for my arm. I'm sipping herbal tea for my cold.
I will rest.
I will medicate.
And I will heal.
It may take some time, but all of the hurting places can and will heal.
That's the glorious reality of being a believer.
Many are our afflictions, but the Lord delivers us from them all!
If you're hurting today in more than one place, be encouraged.
Take comfort.
The power of God is present and available to heal you, wherever you may be hurting.
Ask Him. Seek Him when things are difficult, complicated and painful.
He's not only able, He's willing to heal you, no matter where you hurt and no matter how many places that hurt may be.
It's quite another experience to be hurting and injured in more than one place.
I suffered a freak accident today.
I cut my forearm on a broken picture frame.
I took a picture of it because honestly, I was astonished at such a severe injury. I've never been cut this deeply in my entire life.
My sister seems to think I need stitches.
We'll see. lol!
I'll spare you all the pictures because not everyone can stomach such pictures. Heck, I can barely stomach it! Thankfully, I have my mom here who helped me quickly clean and bind up the wound with gauze.
At first I didn't feel much of anything. I just stared at this gaping, nearly two inch gash in my arm. I saw parts of my arm that probably should be left to the medical professionals to view.
But now it hurts.
I know it's there.
Before I hurt my arm, I was fighting a cold.
Body aches.
Runny nose.
I'm feeling better but I'm still fighting.
But now I'm hurting in more than one place.
It would be nice if we could deal with one thing at a time; one hurt at a time.
But sometimes, both naturally and spiritually, we have to deal with more than one source and more than one place of pain.
Maybe it's a painful past and a painful present.
Maybe it's a sickness in your body while battling to stay afloat financially.
Maybe it's a stressful job and a deteriorating marriage.
There are so many places you can hurt and unfortunately, we can experience hurt in all of those places at once.
I'm debating whether or not to get stitches for my arm. I'm sipping herbal tea for my cold.
I will rest.
I will medicate.
And I will heal.
It may take some time, but all of the hurting places can and will heal.
That's the glorious reality of being a believer.
Many are our afflictions, but the Lord delivers us from them all!
If you're hurting today in more than one place, be encouraged.
Take comfort.
The power of God is present and available to heal you, wherever you may be hurting.
Ask Him. Seek Him when things are difficult, complicated and painful.
He's not only able, He's willing to heal you, no matter where you hurt and no matter how many places that hurt may be.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Fairness...
My house is a very, very, very loud house. lol!
Well, let me not be so dramatic. My house isn't always loud, but my children do keep things lively. From the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they go to sleep at night, they are almost obsessed with this strange notion we like to call "fairness".
They are just under twenty months apart, with Matthew being the oldest, but that doesn't matter to them. In their minds and in their little hearts, they are the same.
Never mind they aren't the same age.
Never mind they aren't the same gender.
Never mind they don't have the same needs, temperaments, desires, habits or learning style.
They wake up every morning with the expectation that everything in their two worlds will be the same.
Same drinks.
Same toys.
Same food.
Same snacks.
Same punishments.
And if there's ever any difference, they both suddenly become lawyers and immediately file an appeal with the judicial court of Motherhood.
MAMA!!! Caitlyn has a cookie and I don't!
It doesn't matter that he had three before she even had her one cookie.
All they can see is what the one has and the other doesn't have.
Hmm.
This morning when the Lord dropped this word "fairness" into my heart and told me to write about it, I wasn't sure where He was going with it.
Now the light is starting to come on a little bit.
We are all His children.
He loves us all equally, indeed.
But He does not treat us all the same.
When it comes to life, fairness at some point has to give way to justice.
There is a difference.
The bible has many examples of things that weren't necessarily fair, but they were just.
It wasn't fair that Jacob, the younger, should receive the birthright over his brother Esau. But when Esau's heart was examined, it was clear that it was a just decision by Almighty God.
When the people saw King Saul, they saw a handsome and strong looking leader. But God rejected him because inwardly, he was a rebellious coward. It wasn't fair that he would be dethroned by a ruddy, fresh faced shepherd boy, but it was just.
There are so many things we can look at in life and shout out,"God, that's not fair!!"
Why is she married and I'm not?
Why do they have children and we don't?
Why did my loved one die and theirs didn't?
Why did I lose my home and they didn't?
Why did they get the job and I didn't?
How is that fair?
I can understand my children's frustration at times.
All they can see is their little perspectives.
But my job is to teach them how to trust my judgement, even when they can't understand it.
My job as mom is to make sure they understand that it is not their place to challenge me and to tell me what I should do for them or to assume that they will both receive the same thing all the time.
They are not the same. They have different needs. They are of two different maturity levels and I have two different levels of expectation for both of them.
Fairness only considers what you have or don't have at the moment.
Rarely, if ever does it consider what you've already been given.
So the next time you feel like looking up towards heaven and telling God that something isn't fair, I hope that you'll pause and think of my two little children.
Imagine them running around the house, both having all of their needs met, a loving mom watching over them and with all of that, still finding the need to point out where things appear to them to be different and unfair.
Stop your whining. Realize how good you've got it in the grand scheme of things.
No, you don't have what someone else has right now.
You may have already had more than they ever did.
God is not a fair God. He is a just God.
Trust His judgement.
He is for you, whether you think that's fair or not.
Well, let me not be so dramatic. My house isn't always loud, but my children do keep things lively. From the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they go to sleep at night, they are almost obsessed with this strange notion we like to call "fairness".
They are just under twenty months apart, with Matthew being the oldest, but that doesn't matter to them. In their minds and in their little hearts, they are the same.
Never mind they aren't the same age.
Never mind they aren't the same gender.
Never mind they don't have the same needs, temperaments, desires, habits or learning style.
They wake up every morning with the expectation that everything in their two worlds will be the same.
Same drinks.
Same toys.
Same food.
Same snacks.
Same punishments.
And if there's ever any difference, they both suddenly become lawyers and immediately file an appeal with the judicial court of Motherhood.
MAMA!!! Caitlyn has a cookie and I don't!
It doesn't matter that he had three before she even had her one cookie.
All they can see is what the one has and the other doesn't have.
Hmm.
This morning when the Lord dropped this word "fairness" into my heart and told me to write about it, I wasn't sure where He was going with it.
Now the light is starting to come on a little bit.
We are all His children.
He loves us all equally, indeed.
But He does not treat us all the same.
When it comes to life, fairness at some point has to give way to justice.
There is a difference.
The bible has many examples of things that weren't necessarily fair, but they were just.
It wasn't fair that Jacob, the younger, should receive the birthright over his brother Esau. But when Esau's heart was examined, it was clear that it was a just decision by Almighty God.
When the people saw King Saul, they saw a handsome and strong looking leader. But God rejected him because inwardly, he was a rebellious coward. It wasn't fair that he would be dethroned by a ruddy, fresh faced shepherd boy, but it was just.
There are so many things we can look at in life and shout out,"God, that's not fair!!"
Why is she married and I'm not?
Why do they have children and we don't?
Why did my loved one die and theirs didn't?
Why did I lose my home and they didn't?
Why did they get the job and I didn't?
How is that fair?
I can understand my children's frustration at times.
All they can see is their little perspectives.
But my job is to teach them how to trust my judgement, even when they can't understand it.
My job as mom is to make sure they understand that it is not their place to challenge me and to tell me what I should do for them or to assume that they will both receive the same thing all the time.
They are not the same. They have different needs. They are of two different maturity levels and I have two different levels of expectation for both of them.
Fairness only considers what you have or don't have at the moment.
Rarely, if ever does it consider what you've already been given.
So the next time you feel like looking up towards heaven and telling God that something isn't fair, I hope that you'll pause and think of my two little children.
Imagine them running around the house, both having all of their needs met, a loving mom watching over them and with all of that, still finding the need to point out where things appear to them to be different and unfair.
Stop your whining. Realize how good you've got it in the grand scheme of things.
No, you don't have what someone else has right now.
You may have already had more than they ever did.
God is not a fair God. He is a just God.
Trust His judgement.
He is for you, whether you think that's fair or not.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Inside Of A Control Freak... (poem)
There's a lump in my throat.
There's a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I don't want to eat.
It's difficult to drink.
It's hard to breathe.
I feel my chest start to heave.
I think I might faint
While I feel like I'm panicking.
Running and stumbling
Clawing and scratching
What could be happening?
I'm losing control.
There's a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I don't want to eat.
It's difficult to drink.
It's hard to breathe.
I feel my chest start to heave.
I think I might faint
While I feel like I'm panicking.
Running and stumbling
Clawing and scratching
What could be happening?
I'm losing control.
Unloved...
Genesis 29:31- "When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
I've read the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel many times before.
I've always been fascinated by this unusual love story and the family drama.
Two sisters in love with the same man...hmm. What's not to be fascinated by?
But this has probably been one of the most perplexing, frustrating, and painfully poignant scriptures I've ever read.
I know what it's like to feel unloved.
It bothered me to read of Leah's humiliation. No one could have imagined how she felt the next morning after her wedding night, after she'd given her virginity away to Jacob, lifting the veil from her face and seeing the look of shock fade into anger, then from anger into disgust.
No one can imagine doing everything you possibly could to erase that look off his face to no avail.
When I was coming up, this scripture was always taught as if Leah was the one who deceived Jacob into marriage. She was a co conspirator.
But I don't believe that is accurate or true.
I believe that her father may have been deceitful.
But the heart of Leah was sincere and pure.
She loved a man who did not love her.
It pained me to read of her anguish, as I imagined her having to watch Jacob look lovingly into the eyes of her sister but turn stares of hate and disgust in her direction.
I can't imagine the pain of seeing the man you love going to the tent of your sister for the night and knowing that is where he wished he could stay.
How Leah must have moaned, knowing the only thing keeping Jacob by her side was a law of the land.
His heart was far from her.
As she despaired, languished in pain and hurt, this scripture comes into view more clearly: ""When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
This has been a blog I've wanted to write for a long time but I didn't know what to say. This morning when I got up, the Holy Spirit brought it back to me. I was still unsure of what to say, but He reassured me that the words would come to me and flow as I took the step of faith to write about a scripture that has cut me to my soul and fascinated me, all at the same time.
I know what it's like to be the woman that will do for the time being.
I know what it feels like to be the woman he knows he should be with, but that his heart doesn't desire.
I know what it feels like to search for love, acceptance, and validation in his eyes and only see emptiness.
I know what it feels like to lay in his bed chamber ashamed and despised.
A scripture that used to cause me so much grief is beginning to comfort me now.
God sees the unloved.
How powerful is that?
He took notice of Leah's pain.
Whether or not it was Laban's fault, Leah's fault or Jacob's fault that the marriage happened in the first place, God saw that Leah was unloved. Some translations say "hated" or "esteemed less than".
Maybe you're sitting somewhere like me, looking at your life and all its decisions. You see the good and the bad in a pile together. You realize there were some decisions you should have made that you didn't and some things that you should have said that you didn't. But now you're in the bed chamber, you're naked, uncovered and unloved.
What did God do for the woman who was unloved?
"He opened her womb..."
I bore two children for a man who did not love me, or at least, esteemed me to be "less than". But instead of leaving me to feel used, unloved and unappreciated, God made me fruitful.
I'm not implying that every woman who has a child out of wedlock is like Leah or that God rewards broken marriages with children.
No.
But I am saying that he makes the unloved fruitful.
He opens their womb, the place where greatness is carried and born.
He gives them blessing after blessing and showers them with favor.
Rachel had the love and favor of her husband.
But Leah had the love and favor of God.
Seven sons and one daughter.
She rejoiced after each birth.
Not much is mentioned in the bible about the relationship between Jacob and Leah. It is clear that Rachel was favored.
However, as I began to dig deeper into the text, I found that Leah wasn't overlooked by Jacob all her life.
Genesis 49: 29 Then he gave them these instructions: “I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, 30 the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought along with the field as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite. 31 There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. 32
Somewhere between the heartache and tears, the anguish and humiliation, Leah found herself highly esteemed, honored in her burial among the princesses of Israel, the wives of the patriarchs.
Rachel is not buried here.
But Leah is.
With life drifting away from his aged body, Jacob charged his sons to bury him next to Leah.
Wow.
God sees every tear stained eye and hears every moan.
The humiliation didn't escape His sight.
The verbal abuse was heard in His ears.
I just want you to know that God Almighty has opened your womb in the midst of your pain and disappointment.
Great things will be born from your pain.
The nations of the earth will be blessed by you.
God has crowned you with lovingkindness and favor.
It's ok to cry Leah.
You may be unloved by a man...
But you are dearly beloved by God.
He will bestow on you the honor you are due.
Trust Him and receive it, you beauty Queen.
I've read the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel many times before.
I've always been fascinated by this unusual love story and the family drama.
Two sisters in love with the same man...hmm. What's not to be fascinated by?
But this has probably been one of the most perplexing, frustrating, and painfully poignant scriptures I've ever read.
I know what it's like to feel unloved.
It bothered me to read of Leah's humiliation. No one could have imagined how she felt the next morning after her wedding night, after she'd given her virginity away to Jacob, lifting the veil from her face and seeing the look of shock fade into anger, then from anger into disgust.
No one can imagine doing everything you possibly could to erase that look off his face to no avail.
When I was coming up, this scripture was always taught as if Leah was the one who deceived Jacob into marriage. She was a co conspirator.
But I don't believe that is accurate or true.
I believe that her father may have been deceitful.
But the heart of Leah was sincere and pure.
She loved a man who did not love her.
It pained me to read of her anguish, as I imagined her having to watch Jacob look lovingly into the eyes of her sister but turn stares of hate and disgust in her direction.
I can't imagine the pain of seeing the man you love going to the tent of your sister for the night and knowing that is where he wished he could stay.
How Leah must have moaned, knowing the only thing keeping Jacob by her side was a law of the land.
His heart was far from her.
As she despaired, languished in pain and hurt, this scripture comes into view more clearly: ""When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren".
This has been a blog I've wanted to write for a long time but I didn't know what to say. This morning when I got up, the Holy Spirit brought it back to me. I was still unsure of what to say, but He reassured me that the words would come to me and flow as I took the step of faith to write about a scripture that has cut me to my soul and fascinated me, all at the same time.
I know what it's like to be the woman that will do for the time being.
I know what it feels like to be the woman he knows he should be with, but that his heart doesn't desire.
I know what it feels like to search for love, acceptance, and validation in his eyes and only see emptiness.
I know what it feels like to lay in his bed chamber ashamed and despised.
A scripture that used to cause me so much grief is beginning to comfort me now.
God sees the unloved.
How powerful is that?
He took notice of Leah's pain.
Whether or not it was Laban's fault, Leah's fault or Jacob's fault that the marriage happened in the first place, God saw that Leah was unloved. Some translations say "hated" or "esteemed less than".
Maybe you're sitting somewhere like me, looking at your life and all its decisions. You see the good and the bad in a pile together. You realize there were some decisions you should have made that you didn't and some things that you should have said that you didn't. But now you're in the bed chamber, you're naked, uncovered and unloved.
What did God do for the woman who was unloved?
"He opened her womb..."
I bore two children for a man who did not love me, or at least, esteemed me to be "less than". But instead of leaving me to feel used, unloved and unappreciated, God made me fruitful.
I'm not implying that every woman who has a child out of wedlock is like Leah or that God rewards broken marriages with children.
No.
But I am saying that he makes the unloved fruitful.
He opens their womb, the place where greatness is carried and born.
He gives them blessing after blessing and showers them with favor.
Rachel had the love and favor of her husband.
But Leah had the love and favor of God.
Seven sons and one daughter.
She rejoiced after each birth.
Not much is mentioned in the bible about the relationship between Jacob and Leah. It is clear that Rachel was favored.
However, as I began to dig deeper into the text, I found that Leah wasn't overlooked by Jacob all her life.
Genesis 49: 29 Then he gave them these instructions: “I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, 30 the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought along with the field as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite. 31 There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. 32
Somewhere between the heartache and tears, the anguish and humiliation, Leah found herself highly esteemed, honored in her burial among the princesses of Israel, the wives of the patriarchs.
Rachel is not buried here.
But Leah is.
With life drifting away from his aged body, Jacob charged his sons to bury him next to Leah.
Wow.
God sees every tear stained eye and hears every moan.
The humiliation didn't escape His sight.
The verbal abuse was heard in His ears.
I just want you to know that God Almighty has opened your womb in the midst of your pain and disappointment.
Great things will be born from your pain.
The nations of the earth will be blessed by you.
God has crowned you with lovingkindness and favor.
It's ok to cry Leah.
You may be unloved by a man...
But you are dearly beloved by God.
He will bestow on you the honor you are due.
Trust Him and receive it, you beauty Queen.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Boundaries...
Boundary: Something that indicates a border or limit; something that indicates the farthest limit, as of an area; border.
Welcome to 2012!
While many folks are kicking off their new year with resolutions, diet plans and new hairdo's, God is leading me down a much more complex and challenging path called establishing boundaries.
It's unfortunate that I've lived most of my life without understanding, appreciating or having many boundaries for myself. I have spent the entire 34 years of my life respecting and abiding within the boundary lines of others.
What is my limit?
When do I say enough is enough? Where do I draw the line?
God speaks to me in the simplest of ways sometimes.
My children have the run of my home. We don't live in a china shop. They are loud, playful and full of energy from the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they droop in sleep at night. I was speaking with my sister by phone the other night and we were discussing the various tasks and chores that we needed to accomplish. I talked about my need to clean my bedroom and joked, "My room looks like Matt and Cait's room! I've got their clothes and toys everywhere!" Then, the conversation flowed this way. I said, "Remember when we were little how going in mama and daddy's room was like an event?! I mean, it was a sacred space that we never got to chill in or run around in". Then the light came on. I said to my sister, "I get it. Mama and daddy made their room off limits. Because they did, it always stayed neat and clean. Maybe if I did the same thing, my room would stay neat!"
Boundaries.
How far is too far?
How much is too much?
Is it when he calls you "bitch"?
Is it when she steals your money?
Is it when he slaps your face?
Is it when he cheats on you?
Is it when she talks about you behind your back?
I believe I developed a coping mechanism as a child that allowed me to put things that distressed me and angered me in another place that I couldn't access in my consciousness. I remember wrongs but I don't hold them like grudges. It's quite weird to explain to someone who's outside of my head. But my family and friends have seen it and witnessed it first hand. It's the reason why I took ex's back after horrible offenses and restored them to the place they were before it ever happened. No consequences. No guilt trips. No anger and revenge. Silence. Smiles.
No boundaries.
Now that I'm 34, it's as if the Holy Spirit is allowing the spotlight to be turned on me. For years, I focused on others; my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my children.
I had to right everyone else's wrongs and make sure everyone else was ok.
I had to mediate and facilitate.
But not anymore.
It's almost as if God has pulled up a chair and commanded me to be seated.
Put a mirror in my hand and said "Look".
I have the most amazing spiritual leaders a human being could be graced to receive. I love them both completely. Their love is sincere. They walk with God. You feel His presence when in their presence. This sincerity of love comforts but it also exposes the weak, flimsy and fake portions of my foundation.
It's chipping away at who I thought I was and making me into who I was meant to be.
That process isn't always easy and I've been told I haven't even gotten to the nitty gritty yet.
Already my heart is racing, stomach is in a knot and eyes are watering.
It hurts to see inside yourself.
But where else can I get this much needed heart surgery than in the company of skilled, loving spiritual surgeons?
Boundaries.
I need them. I haven't had them. My bedroom looks like an extension of my children's shared bedroom.
Why?
I am not a dirty person but I am cluttered.
The simplest definition of clutter is "many things out of place".
Once things are returned to their proper place and forced to remain there, the room takes on the appearance of order and neatness.
I'm de-cluttering.
My life has been cluttered because I haven't had boundaries.
I freeze.
I become mute and silent when I should speak.
I erupt like a volcano that no one understands because I refused to say in the moment what bothered me. Why?
I never had permission to say what I felt as a child.
The adult thought she still had to play by a child's rules.
I really don't care what anyone thinks of this particular blog entry.
I gotta be me, the real me.
It's not always pretty, cute and well manicured.
But this year, for the first time, I want to get down to the root of things.
I want help. I want to be healed and whole.
I don't want to climb to the top of the hill and watch the stone roll all the way back down.
I want to be married.
I want a loving home for my children to live in.
I'm not going to get any of that with an unwillingness to be dealt with, disciplined, and taught. I'm not going to be where I want to be if I don't submit to the process.
I had no idea I didn't understand the need for boundaries in my life until people started crossing them in bigger, bolder ways.
See, that's the thing.
Once you allow someone to cross a line, that's not the only line they'll ever cross.
They become more bold, more aggressive, more intrusive.
Eventually, you'll be held hostage to their demands, a slave to their wants.
A prisoner of your own life.
Not me.
Not this year.
Not anymore.
Stop right there.
Boundaries.
Welcome to 2012!
While many folks are kicking off their new year with resolutions, diet plans and new hairdo's, God is leading me down a much more complex and challenging path called establishing boundaries.
It's unfortunate that I've lived most of my life without understanding, appreciating or having many boundaries for myself. I have spent the entire 34 years of my life respecting and abiding within the boundary lines of others.
What is my limit?
When do I say enough is enough? Where do I draw the line?
God speaks to me in the simplest of ways sometimes.
My children have the run of my home. We don't live in a china shop. They are loud, playful and full of energy from the time their little eyes pop open in the morning until they droop in sleep at night. I was speaking with my sister by phone the other night and we were discussing the various tasks and chores that we needed to accomplish. I talked about my need to clean my bedroom and joked, "My room looks like Matt and Cait's room! I've got their clothes and toys everywhere!" Then, the conversation flowed this way. I said, "Remember when we were little how going in mama and daddy's room was like an event?! I mean, it was a sacred space that we never got to chill in or run around in". Then the light came on. I said to my sister, "I get it. Mama and daddy made their room off limits. Because they did, it always stayed neat and clean. Maybe if I did the same thing, my room would stay neat!"
Boundaries.
How far is too far?
How much is too much?
Is it when he calls you "bitch"?
Is it when she steals your money?
Is it when he slaps your face?
Is it when he cheats on you?
Is it when she talks about you behind your back?
I believe I developed a coping mechanism as a child that allowed me to put things that distressed me and angered me in another place that I couldn't access in my consciousness. I remember wrongs but I don't hold them like grudges. It's quite weird to explain to someone who's outside of my head. But my family and friends have seen it and witnessed it first hand. It's the reason why I took ex's back after horrible offenses and restored them to the place they were before it ever happened. No consequences. No guilt trips. No anger and revenge. Silence. Smiles.
No boundaries.
Now that I'm 34, it's as if the Holy Spirit is allowing the spotlight to be turned on me. For years, I focused on others; my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my children.
I had to right everyone else's wrongs and make sure everyone else was ok.
I had to mediate and facilitate.
But not anymore.
It's almost as if God has pulled up a chair and commanded me to be seated.
Put a mirror in my hand and said "Look".
I have the most amazing spiritual leaders a human being could be graced to receive. I love them both completely. Their love is sincere. They walk with God. You feel His presence when in their presence. This sincerity of love comforts but it also exposes the weak, flimsy and fake portions of my foundation.
It's chipping away at who I thought I was and making me into who I was meant to be.
That process isn't always easy and I've been told I haven't even gotten to the nitty gritty yet.
Already my heart is racing, stomach is in a knot and eyes are watering.
It hurts to see inside yourself.
But where else can I get this much needed heart surgery than in the company of skilled, loving spiritual surgeons?
Boundaries.
I need them. I haven't had them. My bedroom looks like an extension of my children's shared bedroom.
Why?
I am not a dirty person but I am cluttered.
The simplest definition of clutter is "many things out of place".
Once things are returned to their proper place and forced to remain there, the room takes on the appearance of order and neatness.
I'm de-cluttering.
My life has been cluttered because I haven't had boundaries.
I freeze.
I become mute and silent when I should speak.
I erupt like a volcano that no one understands because I refused to say in the moment what bothered me. Why?
I never had permission to say what I felt as a child.
The adult thought she still had to play by a child's rules.
I really don't care what anyone thinks of this particular blog entry.
I gotta be me, the real me.
It's not always pretty, cute and well manicured.
But this year, for the first time, I want to get down to the root of things.
I want help. I want to be healed and whole.
I don't want to climb to the top of the hill and watch the stone roll all the way back down.
I want to be married.
I want a loving home for my children to live in.
I'm not going to get any of that with an unwillingness to be dealt with, disciplined, and taught. I'm not going to be where I want to be if I don't submit to the process.
I had no idea I didn't understand the need for boundaries in my life until people started crossing them in bigger, bolder ways.
See, that's the thing.
Once you allow someone to cross a line, that's not the only line they'll ever cross.
They become more bold, more aggressive, more intrusive.
Eventually, you'll be held hostage to their demands, a slave to their wants.
A prisoner of your own life.
Not me.
Not this year.
Not anymore.
Stop right there.
Boundaries.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Cli-Mate
When does your sun rise?
I will be there on time.
What brings the rain to your clouds?
I won't rest until I know.
From which direction does your soft wind blow?
I'll find it.
When your seasons and reasons change
I want to be the one who remains
Unphased by your weather conditions
Undeterred by your darkness
Never blinded by your light
Never fearful of your thunder
The always of you.
The constant of you.
Weathering you.
I will be there on time.
What brings the rain to your clouds?
I won't rest until I know.
From which direction does your soft wind blow?
I'll find it.
When your seasons and reasons change
I want to be the one who remains
Unphased by your weather conditions
Undeterred by your darkness
Never blinded by your light
Never fearful of your thunder
The always of you.
The constant of you.
Weathering you.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Greater Comfort...
 |
| March 31, 2011 |
Why?
I'm sure it looks like any ordinary picture I've taken, but there's so much in this picture that you can't see.
I took this picture on one of the most difficult days of my life.
I took it the day I lost the job I'd worked for the last 11 years of my life.
I came home that day and sat in my bedroom alone. It was around 10 a.m., close to 11. I wasn't used to being home at that time of day.
I didn't know what to do first, so I began to call my family.
One by one, their reactions were the same.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Anger.
They asked me was I ok.
I lied.
I took this picture, not even sure why I was doing it.
I messaged my spiritual father and told him what happened.
He encouraged me.
"This is God. Everything will be alright".
God?
Where?
I was hurting badly.
I felt wronged.
I was uncertain about everything.
I didn't know what to do.
So I took out my camera phone and took this picture.
I told myself by faith, and I guess some would say prophetically, that one day, I would look at this picture and feel no pain.
One day, I would smile and the smile would be real and the tears would be gone.
One day, I would understand the Word of the Lord that told me that what I was going through was Him.
I was sitting at the table of my spiritual leaders this past weekend.
While there, I began to talk about feeling uncomfortable and dealing with feelings of discomfort while in transition.
He corrected me and gave me this Word, and I'm paraphrasing: "It's not that you're being taken to a place of discomfort. The process of transition is uncomfortable. But where you are being taken to is a place of greater comfort".
That Word resonated in my heart like a gong.
Greater comfort.
Words can't describe how uncomfortable it is to transition from working everyday for the past 11 years to sitting at home during the day.
There's no discomfort quite like having to explain to two small children why mommy is at home instead of at work.
But each day, I held on to the Word of the Lord that told me what I was going through was from God.
Since that moment in my life last year, this blog has seen major growth. The gift of writing that was given to me by God has started to come forth in greater measure.
Some relationships that were dear to my heart fell away last year.
That was also painful.
But just as the Lord spoke concerning the loss of my job, I realized that all of the changing and uprooting that was taking place within my life was Him.
You can't pray for change and then become surprised when it comes.
There are just some places in your life that will not produce the greatness that God has designated for your life. You have to accept that. My mama likes plants and there comes a time when she has to put the same plant in a new pot. Why? Because if she leaves the plant in its original pot, it will not grow to its full potential. But if it stays in that pot anyway, not only will its growth be stunted, its life will be cut off.
Some things hurt when they are taken away. We feel uncomfortable.
But there is a Word from the Lord.
He will never, EVER take you from comfort to discomfort.
Yes, the transition may be uncomfortable.
But the place you are going to is a place of GREATER COMFORT!
I give honor to my Apostle, Ricardo Watson for that Word spoken into my life...
His leadership, and his covering over my life.
I know what it's like to live without a spiritual covering.
That is why I am so grateful to have one now.
I am thankful for where the Lord has brought me.
 |
| January 5, 2012. Nearly 10 months later. |
I am one incredibly blessed woman.
God has shown Himself to be everything that I could ever need in 10 months time.
Walking by faith may not be easy, but once you begin, you realize there's really no other way to walk.
It was worth it all to know Him like I know Him now.
I trust Him with the rest of my life.
Great things have been prophesied over my destiny. I am eternally grateful for the prophetic gifts that have been connected to my life via facebook; those who have taken of their time to message me, encourage me and speak Words of life to me in a season of my life that I didn't even disclose to them.
That's when you know someone is hearing from God.
When they can speak into your life without knowing all your business, then you know you've met someone who hears God.
I threw that one in for free.
But as I sit here a couple of hours away from my birthday, my heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness.
He's my Shepherd and I don't want for anything.
He's dried my tears and calmed my fears.
He's given me double for everything that was taken away.
He's lifted my head and given me a new song to sing.
He's been faithful and He's been true.
He's given me leaders, friends, and people that I can trust. People who hear God. People who love God.
I associate with these types of people now.
I have very little time or interest in anyone else.
Tomorrow, I'll spend most of my time doing what I want to do. I'll have pizza with my babies. I'll read all of my birthday wishes and respond.
Under the orders of my dear sister, I'm going to go to bed soon and rest tomorrow. Today I battled a health issue that was probably brought on in part from a lack of rest.
I'm going to do better.
But as I take it down for the night, the overwhelming theme for my 34th year will be gratefulness.
I'm believing God for many things, many wonderful awesome things.
But I will be careful to give Him the praise for everything, great and small.
I'm grateful for every blessing that I have.
I'm blessed with two beautiful children.
Loving family.
Beautiful friends.
Strong, loving and sincere spiritual leaders.
I feel so rich in blessings today.
To God be the glory for what He has done and will do in me.
I have been given so much.
I've learned to depend on Him and to trust His Word.
Change will come. Be encouraged when it does. Embrace it.
You may cry and there may be some difficult days as you transition.
But trust God.
He wouldn't take you from greater to give you lesser.
Greater comfort is your portion.
Monday, January 02, 2012
The Beginning And End...
I love New Year!
It's just hard to miss the feeling of renewal in the air and the feeling of a clean slate and fresh start. It's hard not resist the energy that comes with a new year and the motivation it inspires.
However, while most revel in this feeling for a while, I have another experience that I must deal with. Friday is my birthday. I'll be 34 years old.
As much as I'd like to spend my time celebrating the new year, I'm also met with the task of facing the fact that I am a year older and assessing where I am in life a lot sooner than others. It's always my turn first as a First week of January baby.
I am a planner. Whereas I don't always write every single detail down, I do at least expect a dialogue about what needs to take place. I like to work things out both in my head and aloud. But if I learned anything last year, it's that my best made plans sometimes didn't get to see the light of day. I've come to accept that although I plan my way, He ultimately orders my steps.
This new year is packed with prophetic meaning and I certainly have my ears open to what the Lord is saying to His people corporately through his Apostles and Prophets. I'm also listening to what He's been saying specifically to me.
For starts, the faith walk continues and the fear walking ends. I can't be afraid to make decisions. The risk of being right far outweighs the risk of being wrong. The odds are in my favor because God is on my side. If He can do this much with my life without my even acknowledging Him or seeking His face for direction, imagine what He is able and willing to do now that I'm willing to seek Him?
Although I've seen some losses in my life in the area of relationships, I've also seen some tremendous gains. I've been blessed with family and friends who love my for who I am and who build me up spiritually with encouragement and prayer. I can't tell you how good that feels.
I wouldn't say that I am happily single... lol! But I will say that I am content. I fully expect to meet someone all in God's timing and I'm open to whoever He desires to bless me with. But I have to be honest...
This is probably going to be the most selfish year of my life.
That's not to say that I will behave selfishly toward others, although anytime some people don't occupy 100% of your time and resources, they label you as "selfish". What I am saying is that this year I'm going to be more in tune with me and making sure that I get the help I need both naturally and spiritually. I turn 34 this year and I'm ready to have something significant to show for that amount of time on earth. There's more to me than what's been seen. When I do find love, I want it to last. I don't want to choke it with unresolved issues. Time to let some things go and be free. When he comes, and I know he will, the version of me that he'll see will be well worth it.
So many things about my life have got to change. There's more to do in life than wait to get old and die. There's a whole life to live and so much to work on as an individual.
I don't think about getting older. I think about growing up. lol! I hope to soon feel as if I'm standing in my full strength as a woman, head lifted, back straight, fearless and confident. No more second guessing. No more doubt and fear. Sure steps. Clear direction. Focus and resolve.
There are a lot of changes that will take place this year and I'm embracing each of them.
I'm ready to kick my life into gear and start living on the level God intended me to live.
Things are falling into place.
Soon, I'll be right where I want to be.
It's just hard to miss the feeling of renewal in the air and the feeling of a clean slate and fresh start. It's hard not resist the energy that comes with a new year and the motivation it inspires.
However, while most revel in this feeling for a while, I have another experience that I must deal with. Friday is my birthday. I'll be 34 years old.
As much as I'd like to spend my time celebrating the new year, I'm also met with the task of facing the fact that I am a year older and assessing where I am in life a lot sooner than others. It's always my turn first as a First week of January baby.
I am a planner. Whereas I don't always write every single detail down, I do at least expect a dialogue about what needs to take place. I like to work things out both in my head and aloud. But if I learned anything last year, it's that my best made plans sometimes didn't get to see the light of day. I've come to accept that although I plan my way, He ultimately orders my steps.
This new year is packed with prophetic meaning and I certainly have my ears open to what the Lord is saying to His people corporately through his Apostles and Prophets. I'm also listening to what He's been saying specifically to me.
For starts, the faith walk continues and the fear walking ends. I can't be afraid to make decisions. The risk of being right far outweighs the risk of being wrong. The odds are in my favor because God is on my side. If He can do this much with my life without my even acknowledging Him or seeking His face for direction, imagine what He is able and willing to do now that I'm willing to seek Him?
Although I've seen some losses in my life in the area of relationships, I've also seen some tremendous gains. I've been blessed with family and friends who love my for who I am and who build me up spiritually with encouragement and prayer. I can't tell you how good that feels.
I wouldn't say that I am happily single... lol! But I will say that I am content. I fully expect to meet someone all in God's timing and I'm open to whoever He desires to bless me with. But I have to be honest...
This is probably going to be the most selfish year of my life.
That's not to say that I will behave selfishly toward others, although anytime some people don't occupy 100% of your time and resources, they label you as "selfish". What I am saying is that this year I'm going to be more in tune with me and making sure that I get the help I need both naturally and spiritually. I turn 34 this year and I'm ready to have something significant to show for that amount of time on earth. There's more to me than what's been seen. When I do find love, I want it to last. I don't want to choke it with unresolved issues. Time to let some things go and be free. When he comes, and I know he will, the version of me that he'll see will be well worth it.
So many things about my life have got to change. There's more to do in life than wait to get old and die. There's a whole life to live and so much to work on as an individual.
I don't think about getting older. I think about growing up. lol! I hope to soon feel as if I'm standing in my full strength as a woman, head lifted, back straight, fearless and confident. No more second guessing. No more doubt and fear. Sure steps. Clear direction. Focus and resolve.
There are a lot of changes that will take place this year and I'm embracing each of them.
I'm ready to kick my life into gear and start living on the level God intended me to live.
Things are falling into place.
Soon, I'll be right where I want to be.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Time To Be Honest...
One of the hardest people you'll ever have to tell the truth to is yourself.
I've spend several years hoping for the best, settling for less and hoping things would change.
The truth does hurt sometimes, but it is necessary.
Yes, I made some wrong choices.
I got some things dead wrong.
But I'm realizing day by day, with God's help that wrong decisions don't disqualify me from making right ones as soon as I know better.
So for the new year, I'm determined to make better decisions.
I don't have to spend the rest of my life on the wrong road.
Sure, the U-turn hurts. Look at all the time I've lost and how far I've gone.
But it's time to turn this thing around.
God is for me.
His Grace is sufficient.
I believe God for better and I receive it.
I've spend several years hoping for the best, settling for less and hoping things would change.
The truth does hurt sometimes, but it is necessary.
Yes, I made some wrong choices.
I got some things dead wrong.
But I'm realizing day by day, with God's help that wrong decisions don't disqualify me from making right ones as soon as I know better.
So for the new year, I'm determined to make better decisions.
I don't have to spend the rest of my life on the wrong road.
Sure, the U-turn hurts. Look at all the time I've lost and how far I've gone.
But it's time to turn this thing around.
God is for me.
His Grace is sufficient.
I believe God for better and I receive it.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Something Blue... (short story)
She ordered everyone out of the room.
Besides the fact that the room was way too crowded with too many women busy with last minute primping, Joy needed a moment to herself to think.
In less than one hour, she'd be walking down the aisle, saying "I do" to the love of her life.
He was a good man. No. He was a great man.
She knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
They were just a few short months into their relationship when her father suddenly passed away.
Derek didn't run during her darkest hour. He was there for her every night she needed him and every morning when she didn't want to get out of bed. He listened to her as she reminisced about her father and held her hands down by her sides until she stopped raging and finally collapsed in grief.
Derek was the man she thought she'd never meet but somehow, she did.
And now, with less than an hour to go before their vows, Joy was nervous.
"How do I know for sure our love will last?" she thought as she stared at her luscious curls flowing from her tiara and veil. "I didn't get to ask daddy what he thought of Derek. Derek was never able to get daddy's blessing. How can I know for sure I'm doing the right thing?"
Joy's mother had been strangely silent throughout her courtship and engagement to Derek. Whenever Joy called her to vent about what she thought Derek wasn't doing right, her mother quickly found something else to talk about or simply said, "Baby, just pray about it. God will show you the way".
The truth was that Joy had been praying. She prayed before she met Derek. She prayed after she met him. She prayed on their first date, asking God for a sign. She'd been waiting for a sign that said "HE'S THE ONE" for two years.
But that neon sign never came.
All she knew was that Derek seemed too good to be true and she was afraid that this step to become his wife may not be the right step.
There was no one to ask.
Her father was gone.
Her mother was silent.
Was God even listening?
Just then, there was a slight knock at the door. It probably would have gone unnoticed to anyone else, but Joy knew that knock anywhere. "May I come in?" Mrs. Reeves said as she cracked the door ever so slightly. "Please come in mama", Joy said as she hurried to her feet to greet her at the door.
A slight woman with flowing silver hair walked into the room, face deeply set with winkles but with eyes as warm and clear as Joy's. At seventy years old, she was still amazingly beautiful, but the years were evident in her slower, stiffened steps. "Joy, are you alright?" Mrs. Reeves asked as she slowly made her way into the room. "Mama, I'm fine. I just needed time to think". Joy did her best to put on a brave face but her mother could see through her best efforts. "Joy Ann...", her mother said lovingly, yet with firmness. "Mama, how can I know that I'm making the right decision?!" Joy exclaimed, unable to conceal her frustration any longer. "Derek is a wonderful man. I love him with all my heart and soul. But love isn't enough sometimes. I wish daddy was here so that I could ask him what he thought. He would always give me such good advice mama, you know that. I just wish there was a way to look into the future and see how this all turns out before it happens!" Joy said, with half a laugh, but completely serious. "I'm scared mama".
Mrs. Reeves made her way to a chaise to take a seat. Joy followed closely behind her mother, knowing she was about to talk with her. As the sun poured over her silver locks, Mrs Reeves reached carefully into her purse and pulled out a faded piece of paper that was a pale shade of blue.
"Joy, there's something I never told you", Mrs. Reeves said as she stared at the blue note in her hands. "I was married once before your father". Joy was speechless. "MAMA!" Joy exclaimed, half shocked and a little disappointed in her mother for waiting until her wedding day to reveal such a secret. Mrs. Reeves raised her hand and stared deeply into Joy's eyes, telling her without words to allow her to finish speaking. "When I was in graduate school, I met a young man with whom I fell deeply in love. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man at the time and all of our friends and family thought we were perfect for each other. It wasn't long before he popped the question and I accepted his proposal. Deep down inside, I knew that although he was a good man, he wasn't the right man for me. But I married him anyway, thinking that our love would conquer it all and that somehow, it would all iron itself out. Your grandmother even told me it was just wedding day jitters. But I knew standing there in that dressing room all alone that he wasn't the one for me. I knew it", she said, almost in a whisper. "About two years into our marriage, things began to take a serious turn for the worse. By year three, we were sleeping in separate rooms, By year four, he left me. Year five, he filed for divorce. I was alone. I was broke and I was back home, living with your grandparents. I was broken and I was hurting but deep down, I was angry at myself for not listening to what I knew deep within was right. I spent many years as a single, what you young people would call now an "independent" woman. I became a teacher. I bought a house. It's a miracle in itself that I met your father!" Both Joy and Mrs. Reeves shared a chuckle. "Your father was determined to make me his wife. I didn't make things easy for him, but he hung in there and just wouldn't let me go. It took him years to win my heart. I was no young bride. I got married at 23 the first time around. But the second time, I was 38. Somehow he knew that underneath my sharp tongue was a scared woman who just didn't want to get hurt again. He loved me through my pain. On the day of our wedding, I sat in a room by myself, much like you are today, with memories of my first marriage rushing through my mind. I was scared too! What if I was making the same mistake twice? Your father was NOTHING like my first husband but I'd already been wrong once. How could I be sure I wasn't wrong again about your father?" Joy looked at her mother, as she sat on the chaise next to her. She'd always known that her parents were older than most of her friends but she never knew why. The first marriage explained everything. She was the product of her mother's second life.
"Mama, you used to always give me advice and tell me if this guy or that guy was right or wrong for me but now, you don't do that anymore. Whenever I tried to ask you about Derek, you changed the subject. Now that I'm here on my wedding day and after hearing your story, you have to understand what I'm feeling".
"I do understand how you're feeling Joy", Mrs Reeves said. "That's why I came in. Sweetheart, I didn't become silent to hurt you or even to frustrate you. When you needed guidance in your twenties, I was there. But I've watched you grow over the years from your good and bad choices and become a very strong and powerful woman of God. I trust the God in you. I know that He can speak to you just like He's spoken to me all these years. And He will tell you what to do. I know He will".
Reaching for her purse, Mrs. Reeves said, "I wanted to give you something. But before I do, I want to explain to you what it means". She took the pale blue note and began to unfold it carefully. The day of our wedding, I was sitting in my dressing room praying and asking God for a sign, any sign to let me know that I wasn't making another mistake but that I heard Him clearly when I decided to marry your father. I sat in that dressing room for what felt like hours but it was probably only thirty minutes. There was a knock at the door and before I could get to the door to open it, a little note came sliding through the bottom of the door: this note right here. Your daddy loved to write me love letters so I wasn't surprised by this note but what he wrote inside was my sign. The note said, "Helen, you are my answered prayer. Love, Thomas".
"You see Joy, when a man can say that about you, then you know he's the one. Look deep in your heart. Maybe Derek didn't say those exact words like your father. But has he spent each day that he's had with you making you feel like you were the answer to his prayer? Think about that baby and when you do, I know you'll have your answer and you can stop being afraid of the future".
Joy helped her mother up off the chaise. "Thank you so much for this letter mama. It really means a lot to me and I will treasure it always", Joy said as she and her mother embraced.
"I love you Joy. And I know that you will make the right decision. And whatever decision you will ever make in this life, always remember to trust the God in you".
Joy returned to her seat in front of the vanity and gave her makeup one last glance. She was all set. Her heart was full of questions about the marriage her parents enjoyed. She looked at her father's words on the pale blue note and whispered to him, "Thank you for loving my mama like this". As she pressed the note to her heart, she prayed one last prayer, "Father, I thank you for this moment in my life. Thank you for sending Derek into my life. And Lord whatever happens from this day forward, cause me to walk in faith, not fear, just like my mama did. In your Name I pray, Amen".
No sooner than Joy said amen, her wedding coordinator walked into the dressing room. "We're about to start lining up. Before we do, Derek asked me to show you your wedding band". Joy took the box from the coordinator, expecting to see the band she picked out with Derek months before. Sure enough it was the same band. But as she looked closer, she noticed it was engraved on the inside. It read, "My Answered Prayer". With tears in her eyes, she returned the band to its box, looked at her wedding coordinator and said, "I'm ready now. Let's go!"
Besides the fact that the room was way too crowded with too many women busy with last minute primping, Joy needed a moment to herself to think.
In less than one hour, she'd be walking down the aisle, saying "I do" to the love of her life.
He was a good man. No. He was a great man.
She knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
They were just a few short months into their relationship when her father suddenly passed away.
Derek didn't run during her darkest hour. He was there for her every night she needed him and every morning when she didn't want to get out of bed. He listened to her as she reminisced about her father and held her hands down by her sides until she stopped raging and finally collapsed in grief.
Derek was the man she thought she'd never meet but somehow, she did.
And now, with less than an hour to go before their vows, Joy was nervous.
"How do I know for sure our love will last?" she thought as she stared at her luscious curls flowing from her tiara and veil. "I didn't get to ask daddy what he thought of Derek. Derek was never able to get daddy's blessing. How can I know for sure I'm doing the right thing?"
Joy's mother had been strangely silent throughout her courtship and engagement to Derek. Whenever Joy called her to vent about what she thought Derek wasn't doing right, her mother quickly found something else to talk about or simply said, "Baby, just pray about it. God will show you the way".
The truth was that Joy had been praying. She prayed before she met Derek. She prayed after she met him. She prayed on their first date, asking God for a sign. She'd been waiting for a sign that said "HE'S THE ONE" for two years.
But that neon sign never came.
All she knew was that Derek seemed too good to be true and she was afraid that this step to become his wife may not be the right step.
There was no one to ask.
Her father was gone.
Her mother was silent.
Was God even listening?
Just then, there was a slight knock at the door. It probably would have gone unnoticed to anyone else, but Joy knew that knock anywhere. "May I come in?" Mrs. Reeves said as she cracked the door ever so slightly. "Please come in mama", Joy said as she hurried to her feet to greet her at the door.
A slight woman with flowing silver hair walked into the room, face deeply set with winkles but with eyes as warm and clear as Joy's. At seventy years old, she was still amazingly beautiful, but the years were evident in her slower, stiffened steps. "Joy, are you alright?" Mrs. Reeves asked as she slowly made her way into the room. "Mama, I'm fine. I just needed time to think". Joy did her best to put on a brave face but her mother could see through her best efforts. "Joy Ann...", her mother said lovingly, yet with firmness. "Mama, how can I know that I'm making the right decision?!" Joy exclaimed, unable to conceal her frustration any longer. "Derek is a wonderful man. I love him with all my heart and soul. But love isn't enough sometimes. I wish daddy was here so that I could ask him what he thought. He would always give me such good advice mama, you know that. I just wish there was a way to look into the future and see how this all turns out before it happens!" Joy said, with half a laugh, but completely serious. "I'm scared mama".
Mrs. Reeves made her way to a chaise to take a seat. Joy followed closely behind her mother, knowing she was about to talk with her. As the sun poured over her silver locks, Mrs Reeves reached carefully into her purse and pulled out a faded piece of paper that was a pale shade of blue.
"Joy, there's something I never told you", Mrs. Reeves said as she stared at the blue note in her hands. "I was married once before your father". Joy was speechless. "MAMA!" Joy exclaimed, half shocked and a little disappointed in her mother for waiting until her wedding day to reveal such a secret. Mrs. Reeves raised her hand and stared deeply into Joy's eyes, telling her without words to allow her to finish speaking. "When I was in graduate school, I met a young man with whom I fell deeply in love. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man at the time and all of our friends and family thought we were perfect for each other. It wasn't long before he popped the question and I accepted his proposal. Deep down inside, I knew that although he was a good man, he wasn't the right man for me. But I married him anyway, thinking that our love would conquer it all and that somehow, it would all iron itself out. Your grandmother even told me it was just wedding day jitters. But I knew standing there in that dressing room all alone that he wasn't the one for me. I knew it", she said, almost in a whisper. "About two years into our marriage, things began to take a serious turn for the worse. By year three, we were sleeping in separate rooms, By year four, he left me. Year five, he filed for divorce. I was alone. I was broke and I was back home, living with your grandparents. I was broken and I was hurting but deep down, I was angry at myself for not listening to what I knew deep within was right. I spent many years as a single, what you young people would call now an "independent" woman. I became a teacher. I bought a house. It's a miracle in itself that I met your father!" Both Joy and Mrs. Reeves shared a chuckle. "Your father was determined to make me his wife. I didn't make things easy for him, but he hung in there and just wouldn't let me go. It took him years to win my heart. I was no young bride. I got married at 23 the first time around. But the second time, I was 38. Somehow he knew that underneath my sharp tongue was a scared woman who just didn't want to get hurt again. He loved me through my pain. On the day of our wedding, I sat in a room by myself, much like you are today, with memories of my first marriage rushing through my mind. I was scared too! What if I was making the same mistake twice? Your father was NOTHING like my first husband but I'd already been wrong once. How could I be sure I wasn't wrong again about your father?" Joy looked at her mother, as she sat on the chaise next to her. She'd always known that her parents were older than most of her friends but she never knew why. The first marriage explained everything. She was the product of her mother's second life.
"Mama, you used to always give me advice and tell me if this guy or that guy was right or wrong for me but now, you don't do that anymore. Whenever I tried to ask you about Derek, you changed the subject. Now that I'm here on my wedding day and after hearing your story, you have to understand what I'm feeling".
"I do understand how you're feeling Joy", Mrs Reeves said. "That's why I came in. Sweetheart, I didn't become silent to hurt you or even to frustrate you. When you needed guidance in your twenties, I was there. But I've watched you grow over the years from your good and bad choices and become a very strong and powerful woman of God. I trust the God in you. I know that He can speak to you just like He's spoken to me all these years. And He will tell you what to do. I know He will".
Reaching for her purse, Mrs. Reeves said, "I wanted to give you something. But before I do, I want to explain to you what it means". She took the pale blue note and began to unfold it carefully. The day of our wedding, I was sitting in my dressing room praying and asking God for a sign, any sign to let me know that I wasn't making another mistake but that I heard Him clearly when I decided to marry your father. I sat in that dressing room for what felt like hours but it was probably only thirty minutes. There was a knock at the door and before I could get to the door to open it, a little note came sliding through the bottom of the door: this note right here. Your daddy loved to write me love letters so I wasn't surprised by this note but what he wrote inside was my sign. The note said, "Helen, you are my answered prayer. Love, Thomas".
"You see Joy, when a man can say that about you, then you know he's the one. Look deep in your heart. Maybe Derek didn't say those exact words like your father. But has he spent each day that he's had with you making you feel like you were the answer to his prayer? Think about that baby and when you do, I know you'll have your answer and you can stop being afraid of the future".
Joy helped her mother up off the chaise. "Thank you so much for this letter mama. It really means a lot to me and I will treasure it always", Joy said as she and her mother embraced.
"I love you Joy. And I know that you will make the right decision. And whatever decision you will ever make in this life, always remember to trust the God in you".
Joy returned to her seat in front of the vanity and gave her makeup one last glance. She was all set. Her heart was full of questions about the marriage her parents enjoyed. She looked at her father's words on the pale blue note and whispered to him, "Thank you for loving my mama like this". As she pressed the note to her heart, she prayed one last prayer, "Father, I thank you for this moment in my life. Thank you for sending Derek into my life. And Lord whatever happens from this day forward, cause me to walk in faith, not fear, just like my mama did. In your Name I pray, Amen".
No sooner than Joy said amen, her wedding coordinator walked into the dressing room. "We're about to start lining up. Before we do, Derek asked me to show you your wedding band". Joy took the box from the coordinator, expecting to see the band she picked out with Derek months before. Sure enough it was the same band. But as she looked closer, she noticed it was engraved on the inside. It read, "My Answered Prayer". With tears in her eyes, she returned the band to its box, looked at her wedding coordinator and said, "I'm ready now. Let's go!"
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