Worthiness...

It's been longer than it should have been since my last post but my life has done both and major dip and major upswing since 2013. I took a much needed hiatus from blogging mainly because I found a job! Some of my highest viewed postings were made during my one and a half years without fulltime employment. The year 2013 was the year I found fulltime temporary work but not in time to save my home and car. I literally watched everything I worked hard for in my late 20's get hauled off or packed up and taken away. It was also during this time when my house was in foreclosure that I met the love of my life.
Literally while standing in the middle of my driveway commiserating with a friend on my cellphone about how I was under pressure to find someone to help me move (the notice to vacate was already in my hands) that the love of my life came motoring down my street in a white Ford Explorer with a trailer on the back. It wasn't love at first sight though. He was a mess. He had hair that was thick,  long and caught between trying to be dreads or braids and he had a cup of Crowne Royal mixed with Red Bull in his hand. Then he had two huge speakers in the back blaring Dominican music. I wasn't impressed. With his heavy accent he rolled his window down and asked, "Do you need your grass cut?" I replied, "No, but I need someone to help me move!' It was a hail mary pass. It was a shot in the dark. I'd been praying and asking everyone I could think of for help with moving but I was still coming up short. I had a 1400 square foot house to empty in a matter of days with only the help of two small children and my elderly mom. I was desperate.
So I asked the stranger with a cup of Crowne and crazy hair to help.
And he did.
And two days ago, he proposed and asked me to marry him.
I said "yes".

Now there's a whole lot of life that led up to that yes. There were a whole lot of conversations, heated discussions, 'come to Jesus" moments and most of all, CHANGE that took place that led up to the yes. I dropped 50 lbs. He cut his hair, stopped drinking so much and learned some patience. We both made some major changes but that's because we found each other to be worth it.
Without spending pages upon pages gushing on my guy, I'll summarize what the past 18 months of our committed relationship have been like in a simple thought:"He's the man that every woman deserves to have and he gives the love that every woman deserves to receive".
So that brings me to my current issue or I guess I should call it a "growth opportunity". As a single mom and as a woman over 35, and as an African American I don't have to go far to hear what the world thinks of my kind. Besides being in competition with the younger women I also have the nerve to have two children and then I have the audacity to be black, which is certainly not who far too many cultures deem worthy.
My fiance is Dominican. That's right, he's Hispanic. And I thought I knew what discrimination was until I had a older white male cashier completely ignore my fiance and turn all of his attention to me because he just could not stand the heaviness of his accent. I was shocked, angry and saddened. How could a man I adored be the object of anyone's disgust and prejudice? My mind was blown.
But I fear I'm getting off topic here. This isn't about interracial dating or even racism. It's about a single mama feeling unworthy of good love.
What do I mean by good love? I mean the kind of love that takes care of you mind, body and soul, checks on you to make sure you're ok. A love that shares the load, cooks, cleans and changes your oil. THAT kind of good loving. I don't speak for all single moms but I speak for enough of us when I say I found myself in way too many relationships that made me feel unworthy of a soul nourishing and mutually beneficial love.
And the truth is, I was getting in my own way more than once when it came to both attracting and receiving the love I longed for.