The Problem With Dating "Potential"...

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Most of us have done it, at least once or twice in our dating lives. We fell for the guy who had so much potential. He drew us in with his charm, won us over with his sweet talk and blinded us with his lofty daydreams. How many times did we defend him to our family and friends with statements like, "I know we have our issues but he has so much potential! He's really talented and if he would only apply himself a little more...stop doing "X" and start doing "Z", he'd make it!"?

Then we go on to spend years and years investing in "potential" but getting very little in return.

That's why I've stopped dating potential.

No, I'm not saying that I'm swearing off men and joining a convent. But I'm saying that I've decided that dating a man for who he has the potential to be hasn't been working out for me, and if you're reading this, it probably hasn't been working out for you either.

The better way to go would be for us to stop dating the man with potential and start dating the man with CHARACTER.

You see, all of us have the potential to be great and succeed in life. But the numbers quickly decline when we begin to count the number of people who have the character it takes to get there and STAY there.
While it's noble of you to be head over heels in love with your future entrepreneur, it's foolish to think a man who doesn't have the discipline to draft a business plan, see that plan all the way through, network and go after his goals and dreams will be anything more to you than a daydreamer.

But what happens when you date a man of character and integrity?

Not only does he have potential, but his potential becomes something you can see and feel in a  short amount of time- not years or decades. He puts legs to his ideas and his goals. He doesn't just talk about it- HE IS about it! He's not sitting around trying to sell you on what he wants to accomplish in life. He's taking you along for the ride straight to the top. He may not have much now, but at the rate he's going, you can see clearly, it won't be long before he accomplishes everything in his heart to do. Why? It's because he's focused, determined and disciplined enough to stand by his word and see a plan through from start to finish.

Does that sound like the "potential" you've dated in the past?

I didn't think so.

And that's precisely why I'll never date mere "potential" again.

Potential is something we all have.
But CHARACTER takes the raw material of potential and turns it into something meaningful and useful.

King Solomon, in his wisdom, put it this way:

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men."  Proverbs 22:29

Not only must he have a plan, he must also have corresponding actions for those plans and enough self discipline to see it through. You can't even get the "potential" you're dating to get off the couch and put on a clean shirt!  Plans without actions are fables. Sure, women can inspire men and take them to new heights in their earthly pursuits. But no woman is capable of being the visionary and executor of any man's plan for his own life. That takes the exercise of his own character, discipline, resolve- the tried stones that lay the foundation of a real man.

Good looks and smooth talk may get him on the court, but good character will keep him in the game. And when it's all said and done, we want someone who's built to last, not ready to run.

Don't Date- INVESTIGATE!

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While most single ladies my age would welcome a relationship if a good one presented itself, it's also a reality that many of us are just about tired of trying. We've spent more than a decade in the dating world and after meeting some not-so-stellar candidates for our heart, we've all but given up our quest to find love.But just before you throw in the towel, consider with me, if you will, a new approach.
The bible tells us to be "wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove". While we practice what the bible preaches in other areas of our lives like how to get the best deal at the supermarket or from a mechanic, most of us drop this principle by the wayside when it comes to dating.

Here are some important keys to keep in mind that will help you make the most out of your dating experience and walk away from any situation, good or bad, with your dignity and heart still in tact:

1. Realize that the playing field is level, at least initially. So many women approach a dating situation like a potential employee being interviewed by her boss. He may listen to Rick Ross and feel like he's the biggest boss, but that doesn't make him the boss of you! Don't forget that while you're being sized up to also size him up! You don't have a lot of time on this level playing field so it's important that you take in as many observations as possible in the first few moments of meeting him. After all, you're trying determine if the man before you is indeed a worthy investment of your time or if the two of you are just doing a great job of covering up the incompatibility between you.
2. Believe what you see! So many of us have met a gentleman online who impressed us with lengthy conversations and impressive text messages, but upon meeting him, we were disappointed by the way he carried himself. Let's be real here ladies. Even when you're chillin, you're on point! So why is his faded graphic tee shirts and love for sneakers in every photograph acceptable to you? Nine times out of ten, this gentleman will not be willing to dress up and take you anywhere and if he does dress up, he'll make it clear that he is not a happy camper. Do you really want to deal with that six months from now? Better to observe in 6 minutes and keep the line movin' than after 6 months when you're trying to make it work and save face.
3. Believe what you hear! Did he REALLY just ask your cup size? Did he REALLY just ask you when was the last time you had sex? Unless you're working as a bra model or he's a gynecologist,  these questions, asked by him in the name of "honesty", are inappropriate at best and a huge RED FLAG at worse. While it may be tempting to write those little slips of common decency off, you must stay present. You're investigating. This is the man on his BEST behavior. He's already discussing your underwear and your sexual behavior before he knows anything about you as a person. Sounds like a guy who's really interested in getting to know you outside of the bedsheets, right? Moving right on along.
4. Believe what you feel. This guy is heaven sent! He's dressed to impress, he's respectful. He looks good on paper and he even bought over a new toy for your cat Whiskers (aww!). But something just doesn't feel right about him. You can't put your finger on it and you have no evidence to support your uneasiness, but it just won't go away. This is called "discernment"; and this is the Holy Spirit telling you, "I know something you don't know and have no way of knowing. You can either trust Me, because I don't lie, or you can trust him, a complete stranger".  Because you're investigating and not dating, nor have you invested more of your time and energy than you should without said investigation, you can quickly lose his number and trust that you won't be trying to dial 911 from the inside of his trunk, thanks to the Holy Ghost.

A lot of women feel victimized by the whole dating process and have nothing but horror stories to tell. But it's time that women of God arose in power and most importantly, WISDOM.

Dating is not a marriage so why are you doing the most in it?!  It is a time that should be well spent in respectfully gathering the needed information about someone to make an informed decision. Just because someone may not qualify to be your spouse doesn't mean you haven't met a good friend or someone with whom you can network.

 Just because it's been months (or years) since you had a date doesn't mean you should tolerate any and all behavior.  You have a lot to offer to a man who can see your true value and worth.
But it's up to YOU to make sure you're not giving someone the keys to your heart that you didn't even take the time to get to know. Don't leave your good mind in your purse! Take it out, use it and observe. And once you've investigated, make no apologies whatsoever for the conclusions you draw.
Trust me...

He won't.

What are your thoughts on trading in dating for investigating?

Bad Boyz

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He cheats. He lies. He won't come home at night. He has other children with other women while he's supposedly in a committed relationship. He won't keep a legitimate job. He's a hustler. He's a "dope boy". He's gangster.

He's a bad boy. And oh, how we love bad boys. I've seen otherwise intelligent women (myself included) fall under the spell of these men, completely captivated, and at times, appearing to be addicted to them. Maybe there's something intoxicating about being with a man who's always two steps ahead of the law, living on the run, and always in need of at least $150 and never faithful.

But let's face it though. His alternative isn't very appealing. We all know the good guy well. When we were in school, he was the one who carried our books for us and never got asked to the prom. In the workplace, he's the guy who shows us how to work the copier every week. He's the nice guy, the nerd. He's the guy who brings absolutely no surprises to the table. He is consistent and predictable. He is stable and secure. He's honest, he's willing to love us the way we deserve to be loved. He's also unattractive in comparison to the bad boy and just plain BORING! lol!

But bad boys are expensive, both financially and emotionally. He is looking for a sponsor, someone to fund his poorly executed plans and someone to turn around and clean up the aftermath of said plans. Bad boys are like investment property with more problems than the buyer realized. You set the budget at $50,000 and a short while into the renovation, you're already at $70,000 with no working kitchen and no end in sight. Bad boys are EXPENSIVE! I repeat: EXPENSIVE!!!

Yes, bad boys are more interesting. When you're in your 20's, high speed chases and cat fights in the middle of the street make for good facebook status updates and youtube clips. But once you hit 30 and older, it doesn't look like anything but the PROBLEM it is.

Here are some things single women should keep in mind before dating a bad boy:

•  What am I afraid of? Most women who repeatedly go for the guy who can't seem to stay faithful and shows little interest in doing so secretly have commitment issues of their own. Maybe you're trying to avoid being hurt again. But seriously, is wasting the best years of your life with a man who won't honor and protect you doing what's best for you?


• It's time to require more from your relationship! Most women who hook up with bad boys say they want a good time and enjoy the thrills and sometimes chills involved in dating an unstable man. But the truth of the matter is that many women have simply given up on having a standard for men due to disappointment. But relationships are not recreation. The right relationship can change your life for the better. Likewise, the wrong one could change it permanently for the worse. You can't afford to take your love life casually. You also can't afford to allow a person who is out of control to be behind the wheel of your life and destiny.

• Do I want my daughter to end up with a Bad Boy? While it may be justifiable to entertain such a man while you're a single lady, the stakes become even higher when children are involved. You are your children's main role model and their first lessons on relationships come from you. If you don't want your daughter being taken for a dangerous ride or your son flexing his bad boy muscles, it's time to figure out if a few moments of passion are worth it to your family.
  
•  Ask God for a good mix of spontaneity and predictability in a man. We don't need a thug but we don't want Steve Urkel either. Let's find the happy medium in prayer. We want to be with someone we can enjoy this earthly life with as well as someone who edifies us spiritually. God knows our needs and desires. The important thing is that we seek Him first, even when it comes to who we should be involved with.

If your life is currency, then a bad boy is a high risk investment. There's more to lose than there is to gain by getting caught up with him. If he does happen to make a turnaround, how much will it have cost you? I'm not telling anyone to leave their bad boy if they have one. Pray for him. But above all, pray that God's will be done in YOU. After all, why would a "good" girl want a bad boy?  It's time to take inventory.

Pray that the man after God's own heart would be the man that comes into your life.  If your bad boy isn't changing, give him your love, say good bye and move forward into your divine destiny that is filled with the blessings and favour of God. Don't hide your life behind a bad boy. It's time to live the victorious life that God has planned for you!

Mad Men...

One of the things I strive to be in this blog is transparent. Well, let me be transparent about my single life and dating experience. It has been dreary. lol!
A lot of fuss is made of women being bitter, angry, wounded, hurt and broken from past relationships and past hurts. We have movies about our anger, plays about our pain, and novels about our issues.
What you don't hear a lot about is what many women like myself have encountered in our singleness: that is the Mad Man.
These are the men who while in the first few conversations of getting to know you can't stop talking about their ex wives or their ex girlfriends who ran off with the mailman or emptied his bank account and left him homeless and sleeping in his car.
This is the man who no longer sends flowers or makes any real effort to date or court a woman because after all, women don't appreciate such niceties and mistake kindness for weakness.
These are the men who make no effort to impress the women they initially show interest in. They text instead of calling directly over the phone, they make no effort to assist the women by so much as opening her car door or carrying her heavy bags and the ones who proudly declare that chivalry is dead because women killed it.
These are the men who cast a suspicious eye in the direction of any woman who tries to show him any genuine care and concern. He's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If a woman is "too nice" to him, she's obviously a con artist who's trying to play him for a fool. He's the guy who falls madly in love with a woman who curses, swears, calls him everything but a child of God, won't give him a glass of water in a hot burning desert, and treats him as if he's completely disposable. He camps out in front of her door begging for a drop of her attention, while the woman willing to honor him gets ignored and left on the curb.
He's the man who's decided that marriage is for losers so the best thing to do is let a woman treat him like she's his wife while giving her just enough hope to keep her hanging on. He's the man who cannot be bothered with talk of deeper commitment, and will quickly retort, "If it aint broke, don't fix it". He's the man who doesn't say "all women are bad"... he says all the right things, but he keeps his heart and true motives under lock and key so the woman he does bring near to him never truly knows where she stands with him and he never truly tells her if their relationship is significant to him. He's the man who is present but completely emotionally unavailable.
Most single women of maturity will tell you they've ran up on some Mad Men a time or two. It's not just a certain age range anymore. Young and old, rich and poor. There are just as many Mad Men as Angry Women.
Why am I writing this?
I'm writing this because often the emphasis for deliverance from the pain of our past is placed on women. But I believe the church needs to change this dynamic to include men.
There are just as many men suffering from emotional pain and damage as women, and arguably, there are more because most suffer in silence. Their pain is masked in anger issues, substance abuse and promiscuity. A promiscuous man is socially acceptable but that doesn't mean he isn't hurting and broken just like a promiscuous woman.
If you are a Mad Man or know a man who is, I encourage you to pray for that man, specifically that God would heal the pain of his heart. These men are our fathers, brothers, pastors, husbands, uncles and leaders. These men serve as our law enforcement, our judges, our military personnel and our educators. When you think of it like that, you begin to see just how important it is for these men to be healed and delivered.
Maybe you were married to a Mad Man once before. Maybe the father of your children is a Mad Man. Maybe even your brother or best friend is a Mad Man. His relationships never seem to function as they should because of the pain he harbors either from childhood or the relationships of his past. But there is hope! Many women have emerged from brokenness into the Light of God's glory and Grace. Many women have come to know that the past is OVER in Jesus. They no longer have to live as slaves to their past or the people who created painful memories. Some women had several men hurt them but because of the delivering power of God, they have not judged all men and have gone on to live happy and fulfilled lives in healthy relationships.
Deliverance is available to all...not just women.
Mad Men can find peace and joy too.
If you are reading this and are a Mad Man, I pray that you will reach out in prayer to God. I also pray that you would reach out to a trusted clergy member or counselor. You don't have to live in this prison of anger and frustration. You don't have to pass down a legacy of pain, violence, absence, and promiscuity to your sons and daughters. You can be free. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
Today could be the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
If I were you, I'd take that step and end what has been a long life of pain to walk in the brightness of a hopeful future in Christ Jesus.
You don't have to be a Mad Man.
Be God's Man.