You are single, beautiful and full of life.
You have also had your eye on an equally as energetic and intriguing man for some time now.
For the most part, he looks as if he could be "Mr. Wonderful".
There's only one issue: he has children.
For some of you ladies, this was, or quite possibly is still a deal breaker.
I'm not here to tell you what to do.
I'm just here to help you consider your options from as many angles as possible.
Here are a few things you need to keep in mind:
Not all fathers are created equal. If you ask a man if he has children and he seems all to eager to reassure you with this phrase, "Oh, I have a kid(s) but he/she doesn't live with me", then you quite possibly could be dealing with an individual who is proudly doing the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and has carefully arranged his life to make sure that his responsibilities do not interfere with his fun, and yes, you are a part of his "fun".
If he is a true father, he will be busy and you will not be first. Let me clear. If this man isn't your husband and you aren't his wife, neither of you should be in the number one spot anyway. Be thankful if your boo or "possi-boo" has placed you in their top five and make sure you arrange your priorities accordingly. If he has children then unexpected dates will pop up, inconveniences, cancellations and rescheduling of dates will occur. If he cares about you, he'll do his best to juggle things in such a way that he doesn't leave you hanging, but he won't be able to all of the time. If you absolutely must have 100% of his time and attention with little to no grace or room for negotiation, do yourself and this gentleman a favor and move on. Neither one of you may want to, but in the end, you'll save yourself and the other person a ton of frustration, not to mention the child or children will not be made to suffer because two adults can't get it together.
You need to pay attention to how he parents and his relationship to the mother of his children. Now is not the time to go on cruise control and not pay close attention to how he parents. Is he a Disneyland Dad who makes each visit with his children so magical that all they do is smile, laugh and feast on candy? You need to know because this man is potentially manipulative. Don't think it's so important? Wait until you're the one who has to tell your child who has returned from a weekend of candy and no rules that they must now follow the rules. It's an underhanded way of frustrating the co-parent all to feed a personal desire to look like the better parent in the eyes of the children. He could also feel guilty for past wrongs and be attempting to make amends in a materialistic way. Either way, this isn't good parenting because whether we make mistakes or not, parents still must parent and be willing to guide their children in the right path. This cannot be done from a place of guilt. If you're not careful, you'll miss the warning signs, take the bait and believe you're dealing with a good father instead of a man who is merely overcompensating due to guilt or being overly lenient out of spite to his ex.
If he's an outstanding dad, you need to see this as well and acknowledge it. Does he treat the mother of his children with respect, even when frustrated with her? Does he speak respectfully of her in front of the children and reinforce the need of the children to respect her? Does he go above and beyond the confines of court orders to make sure that his children are adequately provided and cared for? Can he be inconvenienced by the needs and emergencies of his children? When you see your boo doing these things, do not hesitate to encourage and support his efforts. These types of men thrive with a strong, support woman by their side. Trust me, they will not take your support for granted. True single fathers understand the sacrifices real women must make to be with them and they are willing and able to show their appreciation for your support and commitment to making the relationship work.
So in conclusion, the choice is really yours but just as with any other significant decision, count up the costs. There is a cost involved in dating a man with children, especially when you do not have children of your own. However, if you approach the situation maturely, make observations and give him time to prove himself, as with any other relationship, it can be successful.
6 comments:
Hi I just found your blog and I have a question.
I have been in an on again off again relationship for the last 4 years with the man I truly love. He has four children with his high school sweetheart and he is a true mess. I always knew if I had a child I would only want it with him because I love him and I am prepared to go at it alone ( in my head). He is very serious about not hurting his baby moms heart as they technically have a family unit no they are not together but I know they go back and forth with the drama, sex ect.. I believe I don't want to tell him right away Im pregnant because he will as he should only focus on what that means for the children he has and his relationship with her. See they have this thing in front of their kids they are united, but they are also awful to one another. She is very good at keeping the kids from him for lengthy periods of time so long as he does not behave as she would like him to. She and I have had conversations in the past and if he has a child with someone else she will tell him he cant see his children and she will be done in every way. So basically for as long as I can I dont want their drama to be mine. They have a family I want mine more than open to have a wonderful co parenting relationship but they just are mess to the 10th power but I did not find that out until I broke up with him over a year ago. But we have been seeing each other still. Question is am I right in wanting this to be my thing, knowing how dramatic he will be with " my kids will not want an out side child because they are all full siblings" Its so dumb, hood and immature. But thats the man I love. Advice please
Dear Dramafree2016, I hope and pray that you are serious and committed to living up to your name in the very near future! Sis, this is drama, not true love. True love isn't on and off for four years. True love doesn't hand you a ready made family of four then tell you to deal with it or leave. Having a child of your own with a man who already has four children with a woman he seems way more loyal to than you is a bad parenting move. We have enough children born to parents who thought only of themselves and not enough of how the situation they were bringing a child into would affect the child. Do you know what it feels like to have a child who's not treated with the same love and care as his half siblings by their dad? I can roll with you if you're choosing to deal with this four years worth of nonsense and call it love, but once you introduce the possibility of bringing an innocent child into the middle of this confusion, I can't hang. You asked me a question that is not genuine. Sorry to break it to you. You're not really ready to deal with WHY you're in a relationship like this and your question reveals that. Correction. No sis. This is not a relationship. This is drama.
You deserve to be "drama free". Blessings to you!
Thank you for your reply. I am 33 years of age this is my first pregnancy I have no intention of terminating. I am also divorced. I have lived the life many would hope for, perfect husband on paper no kids from prior relationships "drama free" guess what he cheated and left then married the other woman. If thats not drama I dont know what is. I have had the pleasure and fortune to be on both ends of the stick, the life thats healthy happy according to what outsiders think and now the life with a man I adore, who I love and brings drama but nothing I am shocked about now my EX husband shocked me after 10 precious perfect years. This was not planned but is here so my question was not about the past but your advice on the future and how to handle this all as a woman who from extension loves his children and baby momma. One of the biggest things I love him for is because of his loyalty to his family. My husband left me lol after all the years just walked away didnt even want to be friends after his infidelity and he could not understand why I was forgiving and still wished him well. The man thats in my life now would be there for her at the drop of a dime no matter what. I broke up with him I chose to still have a relationship my way. Because if my marriage vows dont mean anything to the significant other then why should the title boyfriend or girlfriend mean anything. It's your actions. I think its a blessing he has children why wouldnt it be? I didnt think I could even have any. I was always prepared to love his in the way his family would allow. I come from a mother who was not married to my father, eventually my father married a woman who was an amazing step mom she took on his total of 17 kids from other relationships. ( Not my mom she only had 1 with him) My mom dad and step mom showed me family and what it was all about thats why this situation is strange to me that people actually have baby momma drama. It should be about the children not the parents. almost every woman in my family is a baby momma but they do not for a fact have drama rather the man financially helps or not because thats the decision you have made when you laid down with someone you knew from jump. Just because of their confusion I am not going to kill my child. They had these children before me in between relationships. both have at some point moved on then got engaged to others and because of family and consistency they find themselves going to familiar territory. Honestly I dont stress about what someone is doing when im not around, I never expected my husband to cheat nor leave but he did so I pray for the best and ask for strength in case of worse.
Thank you for the reply, we also have enough children born to parents of when trying to trap a man, some born to prostitutes, some for exchange for drugs and so on. I feel blessed I will be able to look in my childs eyes and know it came from love regardless of where daddy may be. I do not believe he will ignore the child I do believe that it will be an adjustment and he will expect me to be controlling with the child just like his other life is. I was not raised that way. I see and know more than what you think I just hoped you could give advice about my question instead you wanted to tell me how bad of a person I am for having a child with a man I am seeing and love just because he has some with another women from a previous relationship. God bless you.
DramaFree, at no point did I say you were bad but I did say that you were entertaining quite a bit of drama in your current relationship. You've gone into great detain in explaining to me how your relationship is full of love and totally different than your previous marriage. If that's the case, then I wish you well. I do not sugar coat for anyone and just because I am straight forward does not mean that I do not care. Ninety percent of the women who write me have already spoken to someone about their problems and are looking for me to be an "amen" corner. I don't do that. We have enough fake friends who will listen to us talk about our issues and give us bad advice that keeps us in a vicious cycle of pain and drama. I'm not that friend. I'm the friend you want to cuss out but 2 years from now will realize she was the only one who kept it real while everyone else blew smoke up your tail. Motherhood is indeed a blessing and will present new challenges to you. I am confident that God will guide you through as He has so many other mothers before you. Blessings sis.
The other day my boyfriend's child had a soccer game, I was so excited to go and attend this game. The game started at 11:35 and the practice was at 10:40. So he was waiting on me to get home , i got home at 10:20. All of a sudden he starts yelling at me and texting me that he was already running late and "why do you even want to go", "You dont need to go to her game", "If you want to go then you can drive yourself there"... etc. He ended up picking me up anyways, but would not stop talking crap to me and of course i teared up. Once we got to the game he told me "im sorry, I was just stressed because i did not want my baby momma to think that this is something I also mess up, since she already thinks I am a shitty parent." I didn't accept the apology, I just put on a brave face for the kid and cheered her on. At the end of the game my bf, babys momma, and kid were walking together and he just left me behind. His excuse was that he walks fast. But never in my life have i felt like I did not belong there, l walked with a heavy heart to the vehicle. I understand that he was walking with them because he was preoccupied talking to his child, and he didn't do it on purpose but I felt like shit. I felt like maybe I shouldnt have gone to the game i was so excited to go to. What hurts the most was that he talked down on me because he was "stressed" because he cared to much of what his baby momma thought of him. What should I do? am I being selfish for thinking and feeling that way.....
Any advice would be wonderful
Ive been with this guy for 3 yrs.
Hi Vanessa. First, I want to say I'm going to be very honest with. To answer your question about whether or not you're being selfish, I will say yes and no. Not knowing all the details from all sides, I'm drawing from what you've shared and my own personal experiences. You are not selfish for wanting to feel apart of your man and his child's world but how you've chosen to go about it is. Twenty minutes before a game is not the time and place to assert your right to feel included because the child deserves a drama free game that both of her parents arrive to on time to witness. His waiting on you should have been proof that he does care for you but how have you shown your care for him? Did you request to leave work early or take the day off so there wasn't a rush? No. And if you answer "I couldn't do that. My job doesn't allow it", then the last thing you should have done was require your man wait for you in order to attend his daughter's game. I get that you don't want him on pins and jumping through hoops for baby mama and that's legit but before you expect him to give her a "screw you" attitude for the sake of your security, this woman wields a great deal of control over visitation of their child. If he doesn't have a visitation order, then he's well aware that a pissed off mom and disappointed kid because he missed an important event could mean he doesn't see his child for days or more drama than necessary. Your guy is really, really trying here. He has you, his child and the mom and his feelings are dead last to all of you. Wanna rise in the rankings when it comes to his priorities? Show him you care for him and will be supporting and gracious as he tries to figure this co parenting thing out and love you too. I promise if you give to him first, you'll get it back in time when he sees you understand he has it tough and cut him a little slack. Yes, your feelings matter and you can and should be honest about them. But don't use important events that pertain to his child to make your point. Hope this helps!
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