Live Right

I just recently watched the very embarrassing and very public confession of a well known American athlete who finally admitted to doping after years of allegation and investigation.  While riding in the car with my mom this morning, we talked a little about this former athlete and I immediately began drawing the lesson from his mistakes to my own life.

You see, we live in a society that seems to think that doing the right thing should be easy. If doing the right thing was easy, more people would do it. If honesty and integrity were maintained without effort, more would display it. But the truth is, sometimes doing the right thing comes at a heavy price.
Sometimes it puts you on a lonely road while everyone else gets to travel in groups, with style and comfort. And more often still, righteousness sometimes looks like one missed opportunity after another.

There was an athlete (and I'm sure many more) who competed during the same time as this disgraced athlete did. I'm sure the days he trained for hours, gave up his favorite foods and spent time away from family and friends were painful. I'm sure there was a pain in his heart as this now disgraced athlete mounted the winner's podium, waving his trophy in the air- the reward for his cheating, lies and dishonesty seemingly heaped with double honor. Somewhere, a man of integrity came in last place or maybe didn't even place at all. Somewhere he went home to family and friends who encouraged him, telling him, "Better luck next year sweetheart! You trained hard. You did the work. One day, it'll pay off". I'm sure he wanted to believe them but while watching his opponent (who eventually was found to be a cheater) accept endorsement deal after endorsement deal while he struggled to pay his bills was a bit more than he could take.

Again I say...
Doing right is not always easy.

Stop expecting it to be and for GOODNESS SAKE stop raising your children to look for the easy way out.
How are we raising them to take the easy way out, you ask?
We raise them by example. How are YOU constantly faltering when the going gets tough?
How often do you murmur and complain when challenges come knocking at your door?
How often does the prosperity of the wicked make you despise your own labor, wrought in the furnaces of hard work and integrity?

Way more often than any of us care to admit.
But admit, we must.
We must all confess, just like this athlete, and tell the truth.
We must confess that yes, it is easy to do the wrong thing. The right thing is unappealing. The road looks rugged. The land looks sparse. The grass is greener on the easy side.

Here's one thing we who believe in the Lord must reconcile today.

You'll always find God on the "right" side of things. I don't care how difficult your circumstances may appear, particularly after you take a stand to do things in a godly and righteous way. God is with you.
Did you hear what I just said?

GOD is with you.

As the world looks upon the shame of this athlete who spent decades beating the "system" only to be taken down by the system he so arrogantly defied, we can't help but wonder, is it really worth it?
Is it worth it to build a house for decades out of cards?
You see, building on unrighteous deeds and wickedness makes just about as much sense as building an entire house out of cards. No matter how much time you put into building it, at the end of the day, it's still cards.
And no matter how much time you invest in lies, unrighteousness and wickedness, it's still wickedness.

In a day and age filled with compromise and darkness, not enough is said about righteousness and integrity.

The scriptures declare, " He who covers his transgressions will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes his sins will obtain mercy".  We should seek to live by this scripture found in Proverbs. There's only so long you can cover up sin and wickedness. There's only so long you can "get by". But if you live righteously, honestly, and integrally, you will obtain mercy.

And not only that, you will have built a legacy that cannot be shaken and stripped from you.

Live Right.

Sunday Sound Bite: A Pencil's Wisdom...

One of the greatest inventions that the world has ever known (and there are many that we could list) is the #2 pencil. Pretty simple object, right? Let's look at it a little closer.

What a genius idea it was to attach an eraser to one end of a writing device. Unlike the ink pen, there would be no need abandon the whole document and certainly, no need to start over. All one has to do is "flip the end", use the attached eraser to erase the mistake, and continue writing.

The Grace of God is to your life what a #2 pencil is to a document.

There's no reason to stop, even if you've made a mistake. Simply flip the end (repent), use your eraser (ask God for His help and accept His Grace) and continue on your journey. Sure, you may still see traces of the past on your pages. But our lives aren't final drafts. You cannot be perfected until your story is first completed. And you cannot complete your story if you quit.


I hope you never look at a #2 pencil the same again.

What's A Man To Do? Part 2

What Should The Wives, Girlfriends, And Babymamas Do?
It's unfortunate that many women do not have a man that is able or willing to take the lead in a situation like this. Sometimes your husband or boyfriend is just so frustrated that he has decided he will not engage the situation anymore or even discuss it. So, what should the women, who are often left in the aftermath, do?

Well, here's one thing that I know. You stand a better chance of involving your husband or significant other in the discussions necessary to raise the family if you make an effort and decision to make peace between yourself and the other woman on your own. This is very hard to do. But nothing about being a family is easy. Nothing about being in a relationship is without difficulty and at many junctures, sacrifice. If you are in love with this man, then you must be willing to make sacrifices in order to move past whatever is holding you back. That may mean forgiving a "baby mama" who disrespected you numerous times, in some very egregious ways. This may take some time to do, but this is something that YOU can be working on and occupying your time with instead of worrying about your husband or his baby mamas.

The same goes for "baby mama". You may need to forgive your "baby daddy" for his disrespect and even for the wrong he has committed against your children.
Forgiveness is not an easy process and it may take time. But you must, at some point, begin the process that will lead you to forgiving the father of your children and his significant other. No one can fault you for being hurt. But you are at fault for holding on to that hurt in the form of bitterness. If you have an issue with his current relationship, work on releasing her by forgiving her as well. Again, this is not easy to do, but just because it isn't easy, it doesn't mean it's impossible.

You see, we are all guilty of engaging in very heated and emotional exchanges with other people that distract us from the very real need we have to deal with and get OURSELVES right. What am I saying? I'm saying that this bad blood between everyone is nothing more than a distraction that keeps you from doing the very real, very painful, but very necessary work of improving yourself.

Don't Forget To Pray!
You're going to need prayer in order to let go of all of the mean words and deeds done to you by all parties involved. So what are you waiting on? No girlfriend, wife, baby mama or baby daddy has to tell you to get a prayer life. That is something YOU need to do. And I'm not talking about a half hearted prayer you do right before you curse someone out. I'm talking about carving out a very specific time of each day to seek God. My time is 12 noon. For others, it may be 5am before everyone wakes up and the day is busy and in full swing. Whatever the time, SET it and stick to it. When you make God a priority in your life, I guarantee you, He'll make your circumstances His priority. There's no better place to find peace, joy and direction than in His presence. And guess what, just like a natural relationship, it takes time to create a spiritual relationship. But just because it takes time and doesn't materialize instantly, doesn't mean that it's not taking place. I promise you, if you take 12 months to establish a very real place of prayer in your life for God, you will find that you're not in the same place that you were mentally, emotionally or spiritually than when you first began.

Buy A Journal And Use It!
Let's face it. Sometimes you just need to get it out. But the problem often is in where we choose to release things. Let me put it this way. The bathroom is not in the kitchen for a reason. And your venting sessions need not be everywhere either. Families take sides. Friends have problems of their own. Now that you're establishing a prayer life, buy a journal and begin to write in those moments that you feel the urge to call up a girlfriend who will be your cheerleader when very often, you don't need one. In 12 months, go back to your first journal entry and begin to read. One of the greatest things about journaling when you are angry, sad or depressed is that often, in hindsight, you're able to gain perspective on those things that caused you so much grief in the past. More often than not, you'll ask yourself, "Was I really upset over THAT?!" or better yet, "I can't believe that was such a big deal to me!" Journaling gives you a chance to be your own critic which very often, we don't take the time to do because we're so busy being critical of everyone else.

Support Him!
Listen up ladies. There are plenty of men out there who may not be perfect communicators but they have stepped up to the plate and are trying their best to display a godly character in the midst of circumstances that are the result of not so godly actions. If you've been blessed to be in relationship or have children with such a man, please support him! Let him know that you appreciate his efforts to be in his children's lives and to show respect to their mom. Let him know that you appreciate how he does his best to acknowledge and respect you as his wife or as his woman. Being a man is not easy. That's why so many men won't do it. Leaders take all the criticism and all the blame, they don't shift it onto others. The buck stops with them. They're supposed to make sense of things and provide direction.

Cut him some slack on the days he doesn't come off as Prince Charming. Mamas cut the father(s) of your children some slack, particularly if they're making a sincere effort to get it right. Never, ever, ever kick a man that's trying. And before you kick anyone, examine your own heart and your own actions. Realize that everyone in this situation is going to have swallow their pride a time or two and bite their tongues a few hundred times. Your sacrifice is not greater than his or hers. It may seem greater to you because you're only considering your point of view. But the reality is that it takes a lot of sacrifices to make a relationship successful.  So in those moments you want to complain to him about the burden the situation is causing you, pause. Find something positive and encouraging to say instead. This goes for both significant others and mamas. Let your words be seasoned with grace.  Even if you feel burdened, put upon or believe he needs to address an issue, do not launch an attack. Chances are, if you wait before you lash out, God will work the situation out or speak to your man's heart and he'll deal with it at the appropriate time. If you're going to be with a man who has children outside of your relationship, you have to be willing to open your heart and mind to more than just the two of you. And mamas, the same goes for you also. Your man already has a family. The question before the two of you is, will you be the one who contributes to its success or will you be the one responsible for tearing it down?

Make A Decision!
Now it's time for some tough love and honest truths. For some women, particularly those who have not married the men they are involved with, it is time for you to make a decision. You've prayed, cried, fussed, discussed, negotiated and compromised yourself silly. But there have been no positive changes. At this point, it's time to look at your life and make some very tough decisions. As I said earlier, relationships take sacrifice and compromise, particularly those relationships that involve family. But if you've been placed on girlfriend status indefinitely, you must ask yourself if the sacrifices you're being asked to make and endure are worthy of your current status. I do believe that wives should act like wives and girlfriends, girlfriends. Wives compromise, sacrifice and endure for the sake of the covenants they made. But shame on YOU if you're acting like a wife without the benefit of commitment in the form of the marriage covenant. He has multiple children, multiple baby mamas, and all of them are expecting you to keep your mouth shut and be ok with the pandamonium. It's time to make a decision and that decision may mean leaving.

For baby mama your decision could be setting new boundaries for the father of your children. It could also mean letting go of the dream of reconciling. It could mean going to family court and allowing a judge to make the rules for both of you to follow instead of continuing another year of chaos and inconsistency for your children. It could mean deciding to take ownership of your own choices and to stop subjecting your life to the whims and immaturity of others. Only you know the decisions you must make for your own situation. But if what you're doing now aint working, you must decide what it takes to bring about the outcome that your children deserve, even if that decision means things will get a little more difficult for a season.

Who Are You Picking?
Another hard truth is that as women, we must take responsibility for the character of men we choose to date. Most of us, if we were honest, gave very little thought until it was absolutely in our face of how the dynamic of children outside of the relationship would affect us. While we invested so much time in dating and fun, we gave very little attention to observing our man and his family. How many of us really give enough space and time for true colors to be revealed before we invest all of our time, money and hearts? When dating a man who has children, you no longer have the luxury of being self centered. You are not the only game in town. He has a family that he created without you. You must realize this going in, and you must find out if he is willing and capable of leading that family with you in it.

With enough time, observation and prayer, you may find that he is capable. But likewise, you may find that the man who makes you weak in the knees has a tough time putting his foot down when it comes to boundaries with his children and their mother. Don't waste time in the dating process worrying about butterflies in your stomach and being wined and dined. If you fall in love, you should know what you've actually fallen into. See the blog post, "Don't Date- Investigate!" for more on this subject.

What's A Man To Do?

Children outside of marriage is a very common phenomenon in American culture. This in no way justifies the situation, but it certainly does spotlight the need for attention, wisdom and clarity to be given to those of us who find ourselves navigating through this very tricky terrain.

At the center of all of this blended family turmoil is often a very strong but silent figure, and that is the MAN. As drama, confusion, hurt feelings and misunderstanding swirl all around like a tornado, he is relatively silent. And that is the problem.

I can tell women what to do to cope all day long, and in some cases, I will.

But let's face it, situations like this can only be coped with if the MAN refuses to take action.

So that brings the next question...
What should the man do who finds himself in a new relationship but having children with another woman or women?

I'm going to answer this question in two ways. The first way is what the man SHOULD do. The second will be what women should do when he won't. Fair enough? Ok, let's get into it. *smile*

What Should The "Man" Do?
The man, the father, and the significant other of this situation should STEP UP and take the leadership role. A situation this chaotic and frustrating is screaming for a leader and is in desperate need of a hero. It's so easy to ignore it all and let the women "duke it out", so to speak. But who really pays the price when dad checks out of the situation both mentally and physically?

The children.

Oftentimes, men will run away from situations not because they are unloving but because they do not feel adequately equipped to handle the situation. How do you explain as a father to children that you never loved their mom and she was simply a one night stand? Or how do you explain to your current girlfriend or wife that you and your children's mom have a very complicated relationship that you don't know how to correct?

Wow. Tough stuff, right?
Yes it is but these are just some of the truths that men have been scared to face.
And that fear has torn families apart.

My Pastor gave us a very simple yet profound truth that I want to share with you now. He said, "When you want to do right, God will help you to do right".

Doing the right thing isn't easy. But it is easy to tuck tail and run, and let everyone else figure out how they will manage. That's why so many men do it. But the Grace of God is available to us, not to help us to abandon our responsibilities but to face them.

Sometimes we forget that people (children included) really can handle the truth.

Can my children handle knowing that their mom and I won't ever be getting back together?
Can my girlfriend or wife really handle the fact that I have mixed emotions about my past with my children's mom?
Can we really make it past these complicated circumstances and find some sense of peace and normalcy?

These are questions that so many men can't answer so they refuse to even attempt to deal with the matters that surround their families.

But the time is now to face the giants. God will help you do right, if you WANT to do right.
The question is, do you want to do right or do you want everything to be easy?

It's not easy to look someone in the face and admit you are scared, confused or simply don't know. But there is something very powerful and spiritual about a man admitting that he doesn't have all the answers but he will STAND with his family, in the midst of it all.

I can remember as a child my family facing some very difficult circumstances. There was even one occasion where we had to live in a hotel for a while because we had no place to go. I even remember our car being repossessed. But there's also another thing that I remember. I remember that we were together-as a family. My parents didn't send my sister and I off to live with other relatives until they "got on their feet". My father didn't leave my mom and us during that time, opting rather to start over with a new family. He made some mistakes. My mom made some mistakes. But I can remember that because we walked through those dark times TOGETHER, we made it through and loved each other all the more.

You'll be surprised at just how strong your family can be if you stand and refuse to run emotionally, mentally and physically.

They really can handle the truth.
.
They really can deal with the difficulties that life brings.


But what they need from you dad is not heat, air conditioning, houses, and cars that your paycheck may or may not adequately provide for them. What they need the most from the adults in the situation is COMMITMENT.

No matter how bad it gets, how frustrated we all get and how angry we may become, we are ALL committed to this family.

Yes, I said it. Your wife, your children AND your baby mama are a FAMILY.
It's the family YOU created. Don't despise it.
Thank God for it and treasure it.
Find the value in it.
It may not be the perfect arrangement. But it's what you have, it's what you made and it's what you have the opportunity, with the help of the Lord, to improve for the benefit of your children.

You don't have to explain one-night-stands to small children anymore than my father had to sit my sister and I down and explain the specifics of bankruptcy and foreclosure. But what he did when those things came to our family was all the explanation we needed. He stayed and he stood.

What's my advice to dads with multiple baby mamas and a wife or girlfriend who's feeling neglected?
Stand.
Stop running, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop cheating and stop trying to do everything so as not to face it.
Stand up in the middle of it and LEAD.

Everyone is waiting for you to speak and to give direction.
Everyone is waiting on you to set clear boundaries.
Everyone is waiting on you to be the hero.

And they may not like everything you say when you stand and take the lead.
They don't have to.
The bottom line is that you are now doing what God created you to do. The family will have its nucleus again- YOU.

Order won't be restored instantly. It takes time to break up a riot and it'll take time to bring peace between people who are used to going at each others' throats. But you must stand and you must lead.
Peace will come if you lead everyone to peace.
Boundaries will be respected if you create and enforce them.

My brother, if your life feels like it's full of traffic, then you're the traffic cop.

It's time you got in the middle of the intersection and directed that traffic. Tell people when to stop and go. Tell the children when to yield.

Lead.
Lead.
Lead.

Showing up to the battle is half the battle.

In part two, I will discuss what the women involved in this situation should do if the man won't step up and lead. You don't want to miss it!

Love Note...

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Zephaniah 3:17

What Your New Year Needs...

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It's a brand new year, untouched, unopened. What will we do with it? What does this new year that we've been blessed to see need from us?
In order to answer this question, I'd like to first tell you a little story of something I recently encountered.
 
For years, I've thought and even said that I am not handy. In time's past, I've gotten out of having to do repairs because I'm both the baby girl of my family and I've been able to rely on the men that I was in a relationship with to handle it. But now that I am grown and single, I've had to confront my limiting self assessments.

I've had a coffee table with two wobbly legs for at least a year now. I gave it a quick glance but since I didn't have the necessary allen wrench to tighten the loosened screws, I assumed it was impossible to fix. But today, something welled up inside of me and simply said, "Try". So I went to that drawer in my kitchen that's the catch-all drawer and pulled out every tool I thought could be useful. I found a pair of needle nosed pliers and a phillips head screw driver. I tightened the loosened screws by hand as much as I could and then I used the needle nosed pliers to grip the screw and slowly, but surely turn it until is was sufficiently tightened.

No, I didn't have the proper tools which would have completed the job more quickly. But turns out, I had everything I needed all along. I just had to take a moment, apply myself and realize that it could be done with what I had.

And that will be the story of 2013 for you.

Stop waiting for everything to fall together perfectly because it won't.
Don't count on having everything you need delivered to your doorstep in a nice package ready for your immediate use. It won't happen.

Instead, resolve to look around your life and pick up what's there.  Trust God to give you the necessary wisdom to use what you have in new, but highly effective ways.
Some people may wonder how it will work. You'll probably wonder yourself. But the key is that no longer are we saying that it won't work and waiting for God to change everything to our liking.
We're going to arise in faith and believe God to take what we have and work it together for our good.
The near year brings in a wind of refreshing to all areas of our lives. Maybe you're contemplating a career change, starting your own business, going back to school, or rededicating your life to the Lord. No matter what needs refreshing in your life, take advantage of the new year.

It is awaiting your instruction. Tell it what to do. Tell each month what you need and expect a harvest.

That's what this new year needs from you.

Decree a thing, and it will be established for you in 2013.

"Say what you hear until you see what you said".

Dismantled...

To take apart; disassemble; tear down.

b. To put an end to in a gradual systematic way:

2. To strip of furnishings or equipment: dismantled the house before knocking it down.

3. To strip of covering or clothing.

 

 

Riding along today, reflecting over my life along with some of its recent events. this word "dismantled" dropped into my spirit.

I do believe it was the Lord's way of explaining to me the season that I've been in for the past 2 years. What do you get when you take away all those things Melissa has used to cover up pain, frustration, and insecurity? Who is she without her security blankets?
 

The last two years, I've been finding out.
 

Now this is by no means an easy process. It's been downright painful at times. But I also understand that it is a necessary process. When the Lord sets about the task of rebuilding our lives, He always begins with demolition first. The old must be removed. If the structure we've built for ourselves is unsound, then the whole thing must be torn down and the foundation laid again.
 

Let's face it. Most of us have been building on some pretty shabby and shaky foundations. Abuse, abandonment, low self esteem. But not only that but also pride, self reliance and co dependance...all of these things can be found in our foundations, yet we've attempted to build our whole lives, our careers, and our families on these shifting sands.

 

Lately I've been feeling "dismantled"; comforts removed, parts disconnected, open and bare. I know that God is doing a work in me, but boy does that work feel more negative than positive at times.

 

But we must all trust the process.
 

We must all understand that God doesn't pour new wine in old wine skins so He's not about to bring new blessings into your old mindsets, habits and belief systems.  If we want to be blessed in the way that "adds no sorrow", we must be willing to allow God to do the work of dismantling our old systems, mentalities, and sometimes, our entire natural lives.
 

It may mean uprooting you from the place of your comfort as far as career and living arrangement is concerned. It could mean disconnecting you from relationships that were never supposed to be initiated in the first place. Whatever it is, allow God to dismantle the things that do not belong in your life. Allow Him to examine them in the Light of His Word. Trust His hands to put you back together, and this time, to do it the right way.
 

If you're like me and you're being dismantled, don't lose heart. If God is dismantling you, then that means He has His hands on you. And if He has His hands on you, you're in the best possible hands you could ever be in.

Blessed Routine...

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Today started off as any other school day. I got up with a start (because I over slept), I got school clothes ironed, I got the children up out of their beds. I made their breakfast and packed Cait's lunch. I made sure teeth were brushed, papers signed, backpacks were packed. I laid my hands on them, covered them, covered their schools, as I've always done. I gave them hugs and I went to work and they went to school.

But something happened to me as I drove to the school this afternoon to pick up my son Matthew. I became overwhelmed with emotion. Pretty soon, I couldn't hold back the tears.
My heart broke as I realized so many parents in Connecticut were just like me last week, rushing around, and sending their beloved children off to school without another thought. Then suddenly, their worlds collapsed and darkness descended upon them with a heaviness that threatened to smother them.

I've been strong up til today but today, I just decided to feel and to cry.
By the time I got to my daughter's preschool, I jumped out and hugged every teacher I could. I know them well and they know me. I'm not ashamed to admit that those women at St. Andrews Child Development Center have partnered with me in raising my children. They call me if Caitlyn seems even the slightest bit different. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in my absence, they are the mothers.

I hugged them and thanked them. I told each of them that not just now but for months, I've been covering each of them in prayer. I thanked them for sacrificing their lives to show compassion and love to children. I told them they weren't staff members. They were family. Mrs. Suzie, Mrs. Melissa, Mrs. Tami, Mrs. Ross, Mrs. Shannon...all of these women are an extension of my family.
I'm grateful to God for allowing my children to be a part of such great schools.
I'm grateful today to still have the routine of caring for and enjoying the love, laughs, and presence of my dear children.

It's easy to complain when you're running late and when someone whines, complains and spills juice for the 100th time on your couch or tan carpet. But life has a way of bringing you perspective. And for those of us who have the sobering reality of being comforters instead of mourners today, we can't help but take a moment to say thank you Lord and nip the complaints in the bud.
Everything may not be perfect and Lord knows things aren't always easy. But God has been so good and the real treasures in life cannot be replaced.

I love the Word of God and I love ministering to His people in a variety of ways. But at the end of the day, I'm someone's mom. And today, more than ever, I realize how blessed I am to be able to say this.
My prayers are with the grieving families in Newtown, CT. I have no flowing words of encouragement nor great oratory masterpiece to give. I'm just a mom today. And my heart aches for the moms just like me who are in a night season of grief right now.
One of the hardest things to fathom in the night is that there is a daybreak to look forward to.
And as crazy as this may be to hear or even to believe, even in this deep darkness, the light will shine again. And I'll pray for you when you can't pray for yourself until that glorious day breaks for you again.
Hold on Newtown...
Hold on.

One Month From Today..

I'll turn 35.

I have so many thoughts concerning this age.

Stayed tuned! I'll be sharing them with you all real soon.
Remain blessed! -Mel

"Am I Ready For A Good Man?"



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So many women are quick to say that they desire to be in a relationship with a good man. I've even said so myself. However, I had to sit down and do some soul searching. I had to ask myself if I really wanted a good man.

But why would I ask myself such a question? The answer should be obvious because a good man is responsible, dependable, trustworthy;  he's a godly man of character and integrity. Those are some of the major characteristics that can be found in a good man. Who wouldn't want that, right?

However, when I began to look at my own past decisions and actions, I came to the conclusion that what I was saying and what I was doing weren't lining up. I SAID I wanted a godly man, but the man I was with wasn't saved.

I SAID I wanted a man who was trustworthy and dependable, but I was with a man who was as sneaky as they came and who loved to stay out all night long with one lame excuse after the next.

So, just like I had to keep it real with myself, I'm going to keep it real with you now.

Before you can have what it is that you say you desire, you must be willing to look at your own life and actions to see if what you say you desire and what you do are in agreement.

In order to attract good people into your life, you must first hold those values and attributes that make them "good" in high esteem. Do your friends entertain foolishness, lie, cheat and can't be trusted? Do those you hold in close fellowship reflect godly values? How does your life and your actions reflect the values you claim to treasure the most?

You see, you cannot attract what you do not first honor.

Do you honor God?
Do you honor those who walk in integrity and good character?
Have you found godly mentors who reflect a godly pattern of relationship?
Do you invest time and resources into those things that are "good"?
Do you place high value on wisdom?

 In order to get a good man, you have value good things.

That's why so many women (and men) end up in relationships that are the opposite of what their mouths say they want.

They end up with what they invest the most of their time, energy and resources into. They end up with the people who reflect their own values.

So that ex you continue to put down? Yea, you picked him or her and it's time you sat down and got real about the condition of your own heart that led you to choose such a person in the first place.  The truth is, there was something in you that loved and valued something in them. And if you're not careful, you'll ignore the fact that you are still holding on to destructive proclivities and appetites that led you to hold on to people and things that are not for your good.

If you do not honor God in your daily living, you will gravitate to men and women who also do not honor God. You can say with your mouth all day long that you value people with such a strong relationship with God. But once you enter into relationship with them, you'll find them boring and eventually, your eyes will wander over to the person who reflects what your truly value.

Oh, you ain't gotta say "Amen" today church. I KNOW I'm preachin!

This is meant to be a wake-up call to woman and men who have found themselves, time after time, in relationships that went nowhere and left them feeling used and abused. The Spirit is telling you to search your own heart and stop blaming your ex's for your own unholy desires. Blame is blinding and can keep us locked into unhealthy patterns.

 Until you change what you honor, you will not change what you attract.

Until you honor things like peace, truth, righteousness, holiness, dependability, and maturity, you will not attract those things into your life.

If all of your ex's have been terrible, then it's time to ask the Lord to reveal what's inside of your heart that He can remove and cleanse. Until this happens, you're not ready for a good man or woman.

How does your life reflect your honor, value, and appreciation for the things that make up a good man or woman?

Use your time of singleness to remove those things from your life that do not value righteousness, integrity and character. Replace those things with godly representations.

Then, you'll be on your way to becoming ready for a good man.

How To Help A Friend That's In A Bad Relationship...



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Most of us remember the time we were in that relationship that was bad for us but nobody, and I do mean, NOBODY could convince us otherwise.
We also remember going to our friends in tears, hurting and desperate for hope.
Some of us know what it feels like to be that friend that's on the other end of a tearful phone call or sitting across the sofa from a girlfriend who's an emotional mess.
As the supportive friend, you want to be there for your friend who is obviously hurting. But the hidden truth that not to many people admit to is that being there for a hurting friend often ends up hurting you.

How so you ask?

For starts, it hurts to be the one to pick up a friend from the ground, listen to them for hours, comfort and pray, and give them sound advice, all for them to go back to the painful situation that hurt them to begin with.
So what can you do, as a true friend to support your hurting friend but protect your own heart?

Here are a few things to keep in mind when being there for a friend who isn't ready to let go of a tumultuous relationship:

1. Listening is enough. Don't feel compelled to do more than this. If your friend has a pattern of running to you and others when things get especially rough in their relationship, then this time is just one of many. Show compassion with a willingness to be a listening ear first. Let your friend know that you are someone they can trust.
2. Remember change begins with choices, not chatter. The truth is that if your friend really wanted to change their situation, they would not be on the phone with you or crying on your sofa. Changing their situation begins with a decision that only they can make. And trust me, when they're at the point of making that major decision, it won't be done in a crowd of friends or with an audience of sympathizers. When she's ready to let go of the drama, she won't be venting, she'll be moving.
3. Resist the temptation to offer advice. Most of us who have been the supportive friend know that this is the one question that can make or break a friendship so avoid it. If she asks you whether or not she should leave, don't fall for it. When a woman talks about her relationship, you must understand that she can personally dog the relationship but when anyone from the outside does so (including her closest friends), she immediately seeks to defend it. Women draw a large part of their identity and self worth from the relationships they invest in so to attack her relationship is to attack her. Instead of falling into this pit, go back to step one. Remind her that you are there to listen. This is your loving way of saying to her, "You must take responsibility for what you're going through and I refuse to have it dumped on me". If you tell her to leave her man, this will most likely happen: "When she leaves, she'll feel it was because of what you said, and not because of what she wanted. And when she reconciles with her man (which she most likely will do several times), she'll resent you. The decision to leave a relationship must always be her decision, not yours. Refuse to get drawn into that trap.

We love our friends, sometimes like our own blood relatives. It's easy to see how we can take on their pain and often, their drama. But hopefully, if we apply the wisdom of God to situations like this, we can guard our hearts and keep them offense free. No one wants to lose a dear friend over a relationship but sometimes it does happen. However, by keeping these key things in mind, it is possible to avoid the heartache that comes with dealing with a friend who's in a rocky relationship.

Again, the choice to leave is hers, not yours and the both of you must keep this in mind at all times.  And lastly, venting is fine, but we also teach people how to treat us. Venting can be a very emotionally draining experience for a genuine friend. One way to lovingly put limits and boundaries around your friend's venting sessions is to literally give it a time limit. Most of us are willing to pull all nighter's for girlfriends who are emotionally broken. Yes, you should be there for her. But after a period of time, release her. Yep, I said it. After she has talked for a period of time, let her go. Tell her that you're going to give her space and time to meditate and pray about what she's going through. She may not want to get off the phone or leave, and at first, you may not want her to. But you don't want you friend to depend on you. You want her to draw her strength from the Lord. What happens when you're unavailable or facing challenges of your own? Will she fall apart?  Love you friend enough to set boundaries and encourage them to find more productive ways to deal with their emotional turmoil besides dumping it all on you continuously.
Trust me, after you've had enough time alone with your thoughts, eventually, you'll come to yourself and realize that hurting is a pattern you don't want to continue following.

Question: What experience have you had with girlfriends who are in rocky relationships? How did you handle it?

I'm In Love Y'all!! Woo Hoo!!!

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Hello everyone. I just wanted to give a quick greeting. I know I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I used to and I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth of the matter is that I'm in love.
You know how it is when you're in love; you just don't seem to have time for all of the other things that you used to do. All you can think about is getting back to your lover, staring in his eyes, listening to his voice and hearing his sweet words flow over you like warmth and comfort.
Yea, I know you remember what it's like to be in love.
Well, I'm in love for sure. I'm looking at my schedule and it's rearranged. I'm looking at my interests and they've changed. I'm sure if you asked my friends, they'd tell you "something is different about her".
And they'd be right.
Something is different and something has changed.
I'm in LOVE people! LOL! Love changes you.
And love ignites you with a passion for life and living that cannot be explained, only experienced.
So yea, don't hate.
I'm in love.
And I'm so happy because for the longest time, I didn't feel loved. For years, I felt rejected, like no one wanted me and I wasn't good enough for any one's time or any one's sacrifice. I just wanted to matter to somebody- anybody.
But today, I can truly say my heart has found what it's been searching for.

No, let me tell the truth.
He found me.

He's an incredible lover and friend.
He was even there through all my heartbreaks and breakup's.
Can you imagine that?
Who DOES that?!
He did.
So yea bear with me. You know how it is when you're in love.
He's the first thing you talk about and the last thing on your mind every night.
You get on every one's nerves by how much you talk about your relationship and he always seems to make his way into EVERY conversation.
That's what being in love does to you.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it and I don't feel bad.
I waited a long time for this so now is not the time to feel shy, shame, or intimidated.
I'm sorry you're hurting and if you are, I have one thing to tell you...
My lover can be yours too.
He'll love you like He loves me and give you what you need to stop chasing after pretend lovers.
He's the real thing.
No, He's not trying to becoming your everything.

 He's trying to show you that He already is.

And everything you could possibly ever want or need, it's in Him.

About three years ago while I was sitting in the parking lot of the county jail, early one morning, about to visit my lover who was serving a 6 month sentence, I decided to read the love letters of the Lover of my soul.
My heart was torn and my emotions were a mess. I didn't know what else to do but to turn to Him.
And from that moment on, we began talking to each other again...little by little til eventually, we established a new and better relationship.

That old lover who was in jail got out and went back to his old ways. He eventually walked out the door. But the Lover of my soul moved right into my heart and refused to let it be empty another day.
Took some time for the pain to subside and some days, it still hurts...just a little.
But the Lover of my soul hasn't run off. He's still with me, helping me through. Showing me how to move beyond my past failures and see myself as He sees me: Beautiful, royal, and His.

I know you want to be in love just like I did.
And I know you know how to love, just like I did.

But the question is, who will you love and who really loves you?

Selah.

A Poem: "For Him..."

You loved me with everything you had.
And even though that may not have been much to some and not enough for me,
It was all you had to give. You gave it, and I received it.
I will always be your girl in that world to which we belonged.
And my soul will long for you there.
For as long as you had me, I was completely yours.
For as often as you need me, I will be here for you.
I don't apologize for loving you still.
I can't apologize for love.
I apologize for mistakes I make.
And loving you was never ever a mistake.
Maybe I made wrong assumptions and there were times my timing was ill timed.
But the decision to love you was never wrong.
And I will not put love on trial because my heart was wounded in the heat of passion.
Love still is and always will be the sweet song that plays softly against the noisy refrains of life.
And love is the reason I even know you from Adam in this world.
And it's the reason you knew me.
Maybe you don't know me as well as you could have and as much as you should have
But trust me, you know enough.
You have known my love and frankly, isn't that enough?
That's enough to know and all there is to know.
I'll spare you the details and the biography; the never ending sob story.
All you need to know is love.
You felt it. You saw it. You had it.
While I can admit I was an imperfect messenger
That takes nothing away from the message.
What I delivered to you in shaky hands and in unclear speech was love.
And that love is still as beautiful today
As the day you said "I do" to the one you wanted then but no longer want now.
And I forgive you because it's about love, not me.
Love hired me and I can only represent love's purity, not my own insecurities.
I work for Love, not for drama.
I live for love, not for pain.
What do I have to gain from love?
Eternal life.
Forever to live, breathe and enjoy love.
Forever to thank the Lover of my Soul for the pleasure of loving others as He loved me- Unconditionally.
Love is a seed that grows over time and I know it's planted within you.
I may not be there at harvest time
But when you reap, you'll think of me.

*This piece was written as an artistic expression of the continuity of all the relationships I've had with men, from the beginning of my life til now. I hope you enjoy it.* -Mel

The Healing Process...

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Back in February, I had a freak accident involving broken glass from a picture frame. The gash was deep and probably required stitches, but I was about to go out of town and didn't want to be bothered with a doctor's office. So I cleaned the wound, put on some antibiotic ointment, covered it all under a big bandage, and kept it moving.

That was almost 9 months ago.

Today, the wound is completely closed, but there's an ugly scar left behind. The scar didn't surprise me. I figured it served me right for not getting it stitched up like I should have. But what surprised me the most was that even after all this time, and all these months, the place where I was cut is still tender.

And so is life.

I do my very best to be as transparent as possible in my writings. For the most part I try to strike an encouraging tone but the fact of the matter is that I have scars of my own that are still tender to the touch.

Just recently, I worked up the nerve to throw away some old love letters that I'd been holding on to from an ex. First of all, let me just say that I love words. I treasure them. So when someone takes the time to write me something, especially by hand, which he did, I hang on to those letters for dear life. But over time, and slowly but surely, I've come to realize that what I felt to receive the letters and what he felt while writing them wasn't the same. There was a point in time when I would sit on the edge of my bed and read each letter, one by one. My eyes would fill with tears as I searched each line for answers to questions that he left me with.

Just recently, I became ok with not knowing "why" to everything. And the truth is, I did know why. It just took me this long to believe and accept it as truth.

Unfortunately people do things for less than pure motives all the time. The don't set out to do harm- most don't. But harm, they do. Hearts find themselves breaking and wondering how they'll ever mend.

One of the most unspoken things among mothers is the enormous amount of personal pain we carry in addition to our daily duties and responsibilities. Often we cry in silence and suffer there too. Our emotional problems and issues must be tabled for the sake of caring for and nurturing our children. Somehow we must find a way to surpress our inner struggles and emotional disturbances to meet the needs and demands of those we love and those we're obligated to.
And some moms crack under the pressure.

From the time my son was born in 2006 until 2010, my life felt like it was spinning out of control. There was no time to process all of my emotions and deal with those things that had wounded my heart so deeply. But then in 2010, I began to crack under the pressure. Before I knew it, everything that I'd built and believed in for four years was lying in a pile of rubble. I was forced to deal with emotions I'd stuffed down for a very long time.

I want you to know, before I close, that healing is a process. If you're reading this and you are a mother or a wife, then I understand that you feel at times overwhelmed and sometimes like there's no opportunity to heal. If you're reading this and you're at the beginning of the grieving process of your broken heart, you may feel as if you will never reach a place where the heaviness and pain subsides enough for you to begin living your life again.  But just like that deep wound on my arm, the healing process may take time, but it is taking place. It took a couple of months before the wound closed and another couple of months before the pain went away. And now, while the wound is closed completely and I can put clothes on and off with no pain, there are moments that if too much pressure is applied to the area, it is still tender.

There will be days when you feel as if you're ok and then something will happen or something will be said that reminds you that there's a place in your heart that's still tender.
 Please don't ignore this. Your best option in moments like these is prayer. I'm not talking about bless my cat and dog prayers. I'm speaking of laying your heart out before the Lord and asking Him for the help you need. And sometimes,  the only prayer a broken heart can manage is "Lord, help me!"

It may be slow, it may take time and it may be painful, but trust and believe, the healing process has begun in your life.

Don't give up on the difficult days. Don't doubt your progress when something is said or done that takes you back to a painful place and brings tears to your eyes.

I held on to those love letters for YEARS, and my eyes filled with tears at the thought of ever letting them go.
And then one day I just woke up and realized it was time to let it go.
And I realized that although it was a tender place, it wasn't the same hurting, open wound that it used to be.

Healing is indeed a process and God is faithful to heal you if you'll only trust and believe that He will...in due time.

The Problem With Dating "Potential"...

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Most of us have done it, at least once or twice in our dating lives. We fell for the guy who had so much potential. He drew us in with his charm, won us over with his sweet talk and blinded us with his lofty daydreams. How many times did we defend him to our family and friends with statements like, "I know we have our issues but he has so much potential! He's really talented and if he would only apply himself a little more...stop doing "X" and start doing "Z", he'd make it!"?

Then we go on to spend years and years investing in "potential" but getting very little in return.

That's why I've stopped dating potential.

No, I'm not saying that I'm swearing off men and joining a convent. But I'm saying that I've decided that dating a man for who he has the potential to be hasn't been working out for me, and if you're reading this, it probably hasn't been working out for you either.

The better way to go would be for us to stop dating the man with potential and start dating the man with CHARACTER.

You see, all of us have the potential to be great and succeed in life. But the numbers quickly decline when we begin to count the number of people who have the character it takes to get there and STAY there.
While it's noble of you to be head over heels in love with your future entrepreneur, it's foolish to think a man who doesn't have the discipline to draft a business plan, see that plan all the way through, network and go after his goals and dreams will be anything more to you than a daydreamer.

But what happens when you date a man of character and integrity?

Not only does he have potential, but his potential becomes something you can see and feel in a  short amount of time- not years or decades. He puts legs to his ideas and his goals. He doesn't just talk about it- HE IS about it! He's not sitting around trying to sell you on what he wants to accomplish in life. He's taking you along for the ride straight to the top. He may not have much now, but at the rate he's going, you can see clearly, it won't be long before he accomplishes everything in his heart to do. Why? It's because he's focused, determined and disciplined enough to stand by his word and see a plan through from start to finish.

Does that sound like the "potential" you've dated in the past?

I didn't think so.

And that's precisely why I'll never date mere "potential" again.

Potential is something we all have.
But CHARACTER takes the raw material of potential and turns it into something meaningful and useful.

King Solomon, in his wisdom, put it this way:

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men."  Proverbs 22:29

Not only must he have a plan, he must also have corresponding actions for those plans and enough self discipline to see it through. You can't even get the "potential" you're dating to get off the couch and put on a clean shirt!  Plans without actions are fables. Sure, women can inspire men and take them to new heights in their earthly pursuits. But no woman is capable of being the visionary and executor of any man's plan for his own life. That takes the exercise of his own character, discipline, resolve- the tried stones that lay the foundation of a real man.

Good looks and smooth talk may get him on the court, but good character will keep him in the game. And when it's all said and done, we want someone who's built to last, not ready to run.

I Was Bullied.

Does this look like the face of a woman who was bullied as a child?
I'm sure many of my friends who don't know all of the details of my childhood would find it hard to believe that a woman who stands  5'11', and weighs 255 lbs (I aint shame, I'm CUTE! lol!) was once bullied.
Yep.
I was.
My sister and I were bullied in elementary school. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was shorter than them. Maybe because my skin was darker. Or maybe it was because of the dark circles under my eyes from asthma.
Whatever the reason on whatever day, I was chased home, screaming and in fear of my life and my sister's life everyday by two bullies.
My parents did all they could to protect us and eventually, made the decision and sacrifice to no longer allow us to ride the bus to school, where between the bus stop and school bus, the majority of the bullying took place.
As we got older, my sister became more popular and I was protected... a little. That is, until she graduated and left me to face my bullies alone.
And then my bullies became a different sort. They weren't threatening me with physical violence. How could they? I was over 5'8" by the end of middle school. Now they were the cliques and clubs who made you feel "less than" because you didn't wear certain clothes or were from a certain neighborhood. Eventually, I took refuge in the school library where I spent the majority of my lunch breaks.
I didn't eat lunch.
It wasn't because I wasn't hungry.
It was because I'd rather starve than be made fun of again... and again... and again.
So I did.
Starve.
It wasn't until my junior year, when I was finally able to go off campus for my art studies that I began to eat lunch again. I felt safe and accepted in my new environment with the fine arts crowd.

And that's how I survived middle school and high school.

I'm thankful that my story isn't as traumatic as many young people that I've heard in recent months, but the fact is, many of us, and probably even YOU, know what it feels like to be picked on. Or maybe you found yourself defending and befriending someone who was picked on or bullied.
There were a few heroes in my school days who would come and sit with me in the library after they'd eaten their lunch in the cafeteria.

Thank you.

As a mommy to two of the most amazing children in the world, I feel duty bound to do something to try to make the world they're living in a better place. If that means admitting that I too was once bullied, then so be it.
If it means removing the shame and secrecy off of something that has plagued so many of us for years, then so be it.
As you can see, I'm not the frightened little girl with dark circles under her eyes (I use a GREAT concealer now.. LOL!) who doesn't have a voice and feels terrified and petrified.

Oh yea, before I go...
One day, a couple of years after being chased by the two bully brothers (they were actually blood brothers, I'm serious) I was riding my bike in the neighborhood and ran into the both of them. I was way taller than them and way bigger than them... WAY bigger. At that moment, staring the source of my torment in the face, I felt an overwhelming sense of empowerment. I wasn't afraid of him, I was insulted! I was scared of YOU?! Needless to say, they didn't try to fight me or steal my bike from me.
I was in charge now.

And that's the truth that bullies don't want you to know. They try to tear you down because they see you on your way UP. And it rattles their own insecurities to see you shining your light, every single day.

Don't give up. I know it's tough being bullied every single day. I found places to hide. I found friends who let me be myself. I found a release in visual arts. Maybe yours is music. Whatever it is, don't let them dim your light. Please...
Don't let them.

In a little while, no one will be able to stop your shine.

Don't Date- INVESTIGATE!

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While most single ladies my age would welcome a relationship if a good one presented itself, it's also a reality that many of us are just about tired of trying. We've spent more than a decade in the dating world and after meeting some not-so-stellar candidates for our heart, we've all but given up our quest to find love.But just before you throw in the towel, consider with me, if you will, a new approach.
The bible tells us to be "wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove". While we practice what the bible preaches in other areas of our lives like how to get the best deal at the supermarket or from a mechanic, most of us drop this principle by the wayside when it comes to dating.

Here are some important keys to keep in mind that will help you make the most out of your dating experience and walk away from any situation, good or bad, with your dignity and heart still in tact:

1. Realize that the playing field is level, at least initially. So many women approach a dating situation like a potential employee being interviewed by her boss. He may listen to Rick Ross and feel like he's the biggest boss, but that doesn't make him the boss of you! Don't forget that while you're being sized up to also size him up! You don't have a lot of time on this level playing field so it's important that you take in as many observations as possible in the first few moments of meeting him. After all, you're trying determine if the man before you is indeed a worthy investment of your time or if the two of you are just doing a great job of covering up the incompatibility between you.
2. Believe what you see! So many of us have met a gentleman online who impressed us with lengthy conversations and impressive text messages, but upon meeting him, we were disappointed by the way he carried himself. Let's be real here ladies. Even when you're chillin, you're on point! So why is his faded graphic tee shirts and love for sneakers in every photograph acceptable to you? Nine times out of ten, this gentleman will not be willing to dress up and take you anywhere and if he does dress up, he'll make it clear that he is not a happy camper. Do you really want to deal with that six months from now? Better to observe in 6 minutes and keep the line movin' than after 6 months when you're trying to make it work and save face.
3. Believe what you hear! Did he REALLY just ask your cup size? Did he REALLY just ask you when was the last time you had sex? Unless you're working as a bra model or he's a gynecologist,  these questions, asked by him in the name of "honesty", are inappropriate at best and a huge RED FLAG at worse. While it may be tempting to write those little slips of common decency off, you must stay present. You're investigating. This is the man on his BEST behavior. He's already discussing your underwear and your sexual behavior before he knows anything about you as a person. Sounds like a guy who's really interested in getting to know you outside of the bedsheets, right? Moving right on along.
4. Believe what you feel. This guy is heaven sent! He's dressed to impress, he's respectful. He looks good on paper and he even bought over a new toy for your cat Whiskers (aww!). But something just doesn't feel right about him. You can't put your finger on it and you have no evidence to support your uneasiness, but it just won't go away. This is called "discernment"; and this is the Holy Spirit telling you, "I know something you don't know and have no way of knowing. You can either trust Me, because I don't lie, or you can trust him, a complete stranger".  Because you're investigating and not dating, nor have you invested more of your time and energy than you should without said investigation, you can quickly lose his number and trust that you won't be trying to dial 911 from the inside of his trunk, thanks to the Holy Ghost.

A lot of women feel victimized by the whole dating process and have nothing but horror stories to tell. But it's time that women of God arose in power and most importantly, WISDOM.

Dating is not a marriage so why are you doing the most in it?!  It is a time that should be well spent in respectfully gathering the needed information about someone to make an informed decision. Just because someone may not qualify to be your spouse doesn't mean you haven't met a good friend or someone with whom you can network.

 Just because it's been months (or years) since you had a date doesn't mean you should tolerate any and all behavior.  You have a lot to offer to a man who can see your true value and worth.
But it's up to YOU to make sure you're not giving someone the keys to your heart that you didn't even take the time to get to know. Don't leave your good mind in your purse! Take it out, use it and observe. And once you've investigated, make no apologies whatsoever for the conclusions you draw.
Trust me...

He won't.

What are your thoughts on trading in dating for investigating?

The Weeping Warrior...

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If life is a battlefield, then we're all soldiers. Each day that we climb out of our beds and head into the warzone, we come under enemy fire.

For some of us, we come under fire on our jobs. For others, we're under fire in our marriages and relationships.

Still others are under fire from the stress, strain and pressure of responsibilities. Everyone looks to us to be the strong, level headed one while all the rest are falling apart. When everything is confusing, we're the one who's supposed to make sense of it all.

We face each day and we fight. We take our hits. We see casualties all around.
We fall into the foxholes of our beds every night and await the crack of dawn which tells us it's almost time to get up and fight again.

Behind our swords, our shields and our helmets, many people cannot see that our eyes are filled with tears. We struggle to see the road we're driving on, our vision blurred during our morning commute, alone in the car with our fears and our tears.

The tears roll down the sides of our faces and pool onto our pillows at night as fellow soldiers lay sleeping next to us, unaware of our pain and heartache.

We fight everyday... just to hold on...just to believe...
Just to have faith.

But faith is a "good fight". It's the one fight worth engaging in. That doesn't make it easy though. There are days the tears fall before our hands can catch them. There are moments the ache of sorrow builds up in our throats, threatening to come out in the deepest cry.

But we fight on.
We fight for our lives.
We fight for our children.
We fight the good fight of faith.
We fight because we refuse to allow everything we've been through, everything we've suffered, and everything we've ever lost to be in vain.

We fight, believing that the victory is just on the other side of the hill. We can take the mountain and plant our flag on its peak...that is, if we don't give up.
Somewhere between those dull aches of pain, those cruel reminders of past battles we lost, we realize that we can and we will win the war. Tired as we may be, we believe that someway, somehow...

It isn't all in vain.

We believe that the race isn't one of speed, but of endurance.
So we get out of bed.
We do the dishes.
We fight rush hour traffic.
We confront the issues of our relationships and marriages, day after day. We are armed with the shield of faith and the Sword of the Spirit.

The mightiest may have a broken heart.
Warriors cry sometimes.
There are days that even soldiers shed tears.

But we fight on my friend.

We fight on.

Where Morning Begins...

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I was seven years old when I had the experience that laid the foundation for what I'm about to write today.

 My father was a part of the church choir and one day our choir was invited to sing at a church located in Detroit, MI. This meant a long road trip for my family and the other choir members. We began our journey from Greenville, SC to Detroit, MI in the evening and I can remember falling asleep and waking up a couple of hours later. What happened next is what changed my life.

My mom noticed that I was awake and she said to me, "Good morning".
I was completely puzzled. I asked, "Mama, why did you say good morning? It's still night time". She said, "It's still dark outside but at 12:01, it becomes morning".
It was almost more than my little mind could conceive and it's a moment in time that I'll never forget.

It's dark outside...
But it's a new day.
It looks like night time, but really, it's morning.

That's the encouragement I want to bring to you today. You may be in a season of your life that appears dark. Everything around you is telling you that you're still in your night season. But the truth is that a new day begins in darkness!

If you can hold out just a little while longer, you'll see the sunrise.

So even now, while you're facing darkness, go ahead and do like my mama did, 27 years ago. Proclaim, "Good morning!" over you life and watch the light begin to appear.

Me, My Boyfriend & His Baby Mama Pt 2

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B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A!

Ok. Now that I have your attention. lol!
Isn't it funny how two little words can evoke so many different emotions all at once?! 
Be sure to check out Part 1 here of the girlfriend's perspective if you missed it.  Today, we're addressing baby mama's perspective.

So baby mama, your former boyfriend, fiancee or husband has moved on and found someone new. While most evolved women would say this is a non issue to them, the truth is that it has created challenges for many women. While it feels like everyone thinks you're a drama queen, it's not too often that the parties involved pause to consider your point of view.

What are the top things that "baby mamas" contend with?

1. Being pre-judged. Almost instantly, it is assumed that any negativity that arises in a co-parenting arrangement originates from you. Being pre-judged only makes your stress level and attitude WORSE.

2. Lack of communication. Communicating with the father of your children can be difficult, particularly when his significant other doesn't approve. This only compounds the issues that creep into the co-parenting arrangement.

3. Unresolved issues.Whatever caused the romantic relationship your shared with the father of your children to crash and burn is often never properly resolved. The fact that the two of you have not dealt with your past issues tends to haunt you both throughout the co-parenting experience.

4. We may not share a bed, but we do share a responsibility!  It's one thing to be told when to call and when not to come by because of his new relationship, and it's another when he doesn't seem to pick up the burden of responsibility on his own, now that you've backed off. It can be very frustrating and create tension between everyone involved.

I could go on and on about the things that "baby mamas" deal with and go through. So, what's a baby mama to do when she's dealing with the father of her children and his "new woman"?

1. Don't be petty. Sounds simple, right? Well, far too many of us aren't getting the memo. It may be true that his girlfriend/wife/fiancee disrespected you the last time you tried to call him but bringing that up in conversation now only makes baby daddy that much more inclined to ignore your calls. It's imperative that you stay focused on purpose of your call and the need of your child and resist the urge to be petty. You may only get one shot to talk to this man so please, make it count and keep it to the point.

2. So what he has a girlfriend! It's really not that serious. It's not critical that you meet his new woman, particularly if he nor she desires to meet you. Forcing the issue will only add to the animosity. Don't work yourself up with thoughts of your child being in harm's way around a complete stranger. It's dad's responsibility to make sure the kids are safe while on his watch. If you doubt his ability to do this, then you need to take that to court. But don't take it into your own hands to try to manage what goes on in his house. That's way more involvement than you need.  You will have your chance in the future to meet his new woman, particularly if she's a permanent part of his life. But don't force issue. Just keep your heart open to the opportunity to meet her when it comes so that you'll be ready for it with the right attitude.

3. Watch your mouth. Don't sabotage your own co-parenting situation by running off at the mouth around your kids about their father and his new woman. Parenting is for grown up's. Put your big girl pants on and keep quiet. A soft answer turns away wrath.

 Not everyone shares the same experience in co parenting or being a single parent, I understand.
But just like any relationship, a co-parenting relationship will shift, change and grow over time. What's tense today may not be so bad a year from now so be patient!

The goal is never to try to change anyone else but to look inwardly and self evaluate. Your children have two imperfect parents who love them. The important thing is that you both continue to try your best for them.

 Day by day, God will give you the wisdom and grace you need to handle any situation that comes your way, including how to handle your baby daddy and his "lady friend". *wink*

Check back for part 3 where I will address the man in between these two dueling women: Baby Daddy.