Overcoming the Immature Man...

I've fought him.
I've cussed him out.
I've walked away from him.
I've criticized him.
I've ridiculed him.
I even gave up on him.

It wasn't until the Holy Spirit dealt with my heart that I finally began to understand him.
Who is he?
He's the immature man.

I can't tell you how many women I've spoken to, prayed for and cried with, all because of the immature man in their lives. Frustrated, hurt, confused, angry and sometimes bitter. So many of us women have thrown our hands up in frustration, not knowing what to do.
The first thing I want to share with you from the Throne of Grace is that women were not created as a problem but as a solution.
In the garden of Eden, God HIMSELF observed Adam's problem and moved to custom design his solution.
That custom design, is WOMAN.
When you approach any problem in your relationships with men, whether they be fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands or sons, remember that within you lies the answer.
I want to share with you some of the main points that the Holy Spirit shared with me that helped me overcome the immaturity of the men in my life:
Maturity is a process. Ecclesiastes tells us that "to everything there is a season and a time and a purpose to everything under the heaven". It takes time to grow up and everyone has a different rate of maturity, even women.
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11 that when he was a child, he thought and spoke as a child but when he "became a man", he put away childish things. Again, to "become" something takes a process and a man becoming a mature man is no exception.
While we cannot change the time it takes for any man to mature, we can facilitate an environment conducive to that maturity.

Remember that even an immature man is STILL A MAN! He's not a boy. If he was a boy, you wouldn't be sharing his bed or his bills. Real talk.  His behavior may appear childish at times but the first step in overcoming an immature man is realizing that he is a man and not a boy. No matter how green a banana may be, it's still a banana. The fact that it isn't yet ripe doesn't change its species. An immature man is still a man. He may have lacked opportunity to move in a more mature way and that's where you come in. We as women must present the immature men in our lives with opportunities to be more mature. Bananas ripen in warm, dry places. The process takes time but the environment is key.
Women, we're the environment.
It is easy for all parties to do what comes easy and to fall into unhealthy habits. It's unhealthy for a woman to assume the role of a grown man's mama simply because that's all the two of them are used to. In most cases, the man ends up resenting this dynamic and kicking against it. After all, he has or had a mama and deep down is curious to know what it's like to be with a WOMAN, not a mama.
There is a way to change this dynamic of immaturity and it's done by a combination of time, patience, challenge, and consistency.
If you're looking for instant change, then you're looking for a relationship with a man that is built on a foundation of manipulation and control, which is what many of us, male and female are accustomed to. We're used to being told what to do instead of doing what's right at the right time. We're used to men leaving the hard stuff up to us and we shoulder the load, as well as several chips on our shoulders as a result.
If you want a relationship with a grown man, you must be prepared to only engage a man as a man.
Not a boy.
Not a monkey.
A MAN.

If you know him better than he knows you, why is he always getting the best of you? Let's face it ladies. We KNOW our men, whether he be our sons or our lovers. We know what pushes their buttons, what makes them tick. We know that he's forgetful or that he never remembers important dates. We know that he leaves his clothes on the floor when he's tired and falls asleep in front of the tv after work. However, many of us often fail to harness the power of what we know when it comes to engaging the men in our lives. We fail to counteract. We fail to strategize. If you're not using what you know, the shame isn't on the man, it's on YOU. If you know he's habitually late, why do you always wait til 15 minutes before needing to be somewhere to remind him? Setting up the same scenarios and getting the same disappointing results is not the solution. Setting up WINNING scenarios will help you and the man in your life move past the painful past and into a new day that includes mutual respect. Setting a man up to fail does not make you look good. Instead, it makes you look cruel. Look past the immaturity that drives you up the wall and see what he does get right. For me, it was seeing past his inability to be nailed down to a schedule and realizing that when he did spend time with his children, he was very loving, engaging and affectionate towards them. With this now at the forefront of my mind, I was able to let go of my anger towards him for not fulfilling my expectations of timeliness and consistency and in turn, he became more considerate of my feelings.
You want him to win!. Babies learn to walk with guidance, praise and a little bit of challenge. When I held my son's tiny hands as he wobbled on his chubby legs, I encouraged him to walk and praised each tiny step. Eventually, I increased the distance between myself and him and encouraged him to totter towards me. Many times, he didn't make the distance, but pretty soon, he did, until the the space began to increase more and more. The same goes for dealing with an immature man. At the forefront of anything that you say and do should be your love for the immature man in your life. Your success is NOT in his failure. Truth be told, it's a poor point to score in your favor as a woman if it only causes him to lose as a man. Every step of the way, his success should be your goal and your prayer. What single mom doesn't need an engaged and mature father to her children? What wife doesn't need a mature husband? What mother doesn't want to see her son mature and become a contributor to society? His success makes YOU look good and because of that, make sure he knows from your attitude and actions that you want him to succeed.

Respond positively to any step in the right direction, no matter how small. I don't care how badly you may want to criticize his efforts. I don't care how far short he fell of the intended goal. If an immature man makes even a flinch in the right direction, acknowledge it. I guarantee you, if you make this small change, you will see big rewards.


There's a difference between an immature man and a fool though.
I'll admit, some women are dealing with some fools.
I'm not talking about him. lol!
The difference is that fools are not ignorant or immature. They know what to do, when to do it and often have a lot to show for themselves as a result of this knowledge. The problem is that fools often know right but simply won't DO right. For example, a fool is the man who neglects one set of children but cares for those within his new relationship or marriage.
That's a fool.
Aint much you can do with a fool ladies besides pray for a "David" to come along and whisk you away to his kingdom. lol! I'm teasin... kinda. lol!
Pray for your immature man! Not enough is said about the importance of prayer in our lives. Prayer invites the supernatural power of God into our natural affairs. Prayer can go where words stop short. Pray can change what years of arguing never settled. Pray for your immature man and decree the blessings of the Lord over him. I know you want to see him doused with kerosene and a Newport flicked in his direction, but instead, PRAY. lol! Prayer will change your attitude. Prayer will bring you strategies and insights for how to deal with the men in your life.
We don't have to be sneaky, controlling, mean and hateful in order for a man to treat us right.
We can be the answers that God created us to be to their lives.
Words have power. Don't ever miss an opportunity to speak words of life over the immature man in your life.
Show him respect, even if you don't feel like it.
Stop rolling your eyes and calling him names.
He has a first name. Use it among your friends also, and not his secret nickname. Time to say good-bye to "Silverback". lol!
Remember that our relationship with God is not built on manipulation and control. If anyone had the power and right to control us, that would be God Himself. However, we all know that He doesn't do that. Instead, with loving kindness he draws us and keeps us close. You can't make a man grow up but you can certainly create an environment around him with love, consistency and challenges that make maturity conducive.
Change your attitude, your language and your strategy. If one thing isn't working, try another. If cussing him out doesn't work, why do you continue to do it? If pouting is only a temporary fix, wouldn't it be a good idea to stop the pouting?
The good news is that immaturity is not a permanent state. Things and people do grow and mature. With the right environment and support, the chances of maturity become even greater.
You don't have to be his mama to love him.
The woman in you can bring out the mature man in him.

He + Me = THEM?

"You act just like your daddy".
"You look just like your mama".
"His daddy spit him out"!
"That's her mama, all over again"!

We've all heard these phrases a time or two in life. I'll be the first to admit I've even used some of them myself.
Those who know my family would say that of my two parents, I'm the most like my father. Up until recently, I would have agreed with them. I'm the one who loves to talk. I love to engage the world through words and conversation, regardless of the medium. My mind is full of thoughts at all times.
But it wasn't until recently that I discovered that it was this allegiance to my biological heritage that was holding me back.
You see, I'm not like my dad.
I'm not like my mom.
Although we share similarities, we are also quite different.
So what happens when you spend all of your life focusing on someone's similarities instead of celebrating their differences?
People end up being disappointed.
The one who wants to be copied is disappointed when their carbon copy deviates from the original plan.
The carbon copy feels rejected and confused because they should be able to be just like their expectation, but they can't.

When I look at my two children, I don't see me or their father. Sure, I've said that my children favor me and their father when it comes to their features, but that's the extent of it.
They may look similar to us.
But they are NOT us.
So with the help of the Lord, I have chosen to raise my children with an awareness of themselves and a celebration of what makes them different. I can say with all honestly that I have seen very little in them thus far that looks even remotely like their father and I. Their personalities are very unique so much so, that I've been challenged to find new ways to meet their needs specific to who THEY are, and not to who I am.
It's better to start now than for them to try to find their uniqueness in their 30's like their mom.
Why not let them know now that they don't have to be anything like mom and dad to be ok?
They are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, uniquely designed to provide a solution to this world that only they can give. If they instead spend their lives trying to be like me or their dad, they will have missed the whole point of their existence.
We exist not to be copies of each other but answers for each other.
Not every problem has the same answer and that's why we don't have an earth full of people with the exact same personalities.
There are moments where it's appropriate to emphasize similarities. That's how we overcome things like racism and discrimination.
But when it comes to helping a child discover their purpose and destiny in life, what makes them DIFFERENT must be emphasized and celebrated.
In a world that prefers differences to be camouflaged, it's essential for parents to embrace this Word from the throne of Grace.
It's not our job to crank out "mini me's".
It's our job to encourage our children to celebrate their uniqueness and ultimately seek God for how their unique attributes can and should be used to change the world.
So no, Him (their father) + Me does NOT equal my children.
They're in a class all by themselves.
It's my job to make sure they both stay at the head of their class..

My Praise And Glory...

About two weeks ago, my sister traveled from the Raleigh, NC area to surprise mom for her 60th birthday. It's always a party when my only sister's in town! We talk daily by phone and text but there's absolutely NOTHING like having her around.
During one of our heartfelt chats, she gave me what unbeknownst to her was probably one of the greatest compliments I've received to date. She told me that she could see how I was raising Matthew and Caitlyn with mutual respect and that they were well behaved.
Man.
It's not something that I publicized or even had a blueprint for. It's not like I saw it coming up. As loving as my parents were, respect was a one way street. They came up under the era of "children should be seen and not heard" as well as things like "talking back" and being "hard headed".
I'll admit, I'm not a friend of my children by any stretch of the imagination. lol! Israel may be a friend of God but in my house, my children are NOT my friends. lol! However, that doesn't mean that I don't love them and try my best to show them respect.
One of the hardest things for me to try to develop personally is my own right to have a voice. It's hard for me to speak up for myself and deal with things that bother me as they happen and in the moment because for so long, I was made to feel like what I felt did not matter. If it hurt me, so what? If it bothered me, so what? No one seemed to care and eventually, neither did I.
But I wanted to start a different pattern for my two children.
I want them to know that they have a right to express themselves as long as it's done respectfully.
I want them to feel like I hear them when they speak and that their thoughts are welcomed.
I want them to know that with me, they have influence.
Now what they want and what they think won't always change my decisions, but I certainly do take their desires into consideration as much as possible.
I've been known to make three different meals for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That was made a lot easier by the simple fact that Matthew has three major food allergies and Caitlyn does not. Often, he's unable to eat the things that she eats. I could just as easily limit Cait's diet to Matt's needs but I don't. She gets to choose what she wants and he gets to do the same, within the guidelines of his dietary restrictions. Some would say that's way too much work for a mom to take on.

That's why I don't listen to what some would say. :)

Sometimes it seems like I'm yelling and fussing about the same things over and over again to my children: "Get down!" "What's that in your mouth?!" "Tell him you're sorry!" "Stop jumping on that bed!:" It's my job to correct them and I do. I may not correct them as much as my parents did me. Trust me, my mom (who I'll write about later) seems to think I'm a little too lenient. I'm quick to remind folks that my children behave age appropriately. They are NOT miniature adults and normal, healthy children laugh, squeal and generally make noise. It is NOT normal to hit, bite, kick, punch and maim people and small animals. None of that is occurring in my house so can we all calm down? lol! There's generally a high level of noise in my house. I can take it. I know what it's like to grow up in a library. No talking. No laughing too loud. No playing too loudly. No messes. I can't tell you how many messes I've witnessed my children make and how many more I'll observe. Funny thing is, before my children were born, I spent a decent grip of money on a formal livingroom suite. Needless to say, small children care nothing about formalities... NOTHING. I can't tell you how many times I've seen things broken, stained and ripped. And guess what? I didn't die. One thing that my children have taught me is that when something new enters your world, it's YOUR responsibility, not theirs to accommodate the new thing. So the formal sofa's not so formal anymore, nor is the livingroom. It's now call the family room. :)
 When my sister told me that she could see what I was doing and that it was working, I was beyond humbled. I didn't dive head first into parenting books. I didn't take parenting classes. I'm not against any of those things but I'm a living witness that the Holy Spirit IS a Teacher. If you listen to His gentle whispers, He will guide everything you do, including the raising of your children. When Caitlyn developed a hair pulling habit, the Holy Spirit revealed to me the solution. When Matt was getting ill for an unexplained reason, the Holy Spirit revealed to me it was a food allergy. When either of them exhibit a behavior that I don't quite like, He always reveals the source and the solution.
I give Him thanks and praise for it all!
But the point I want to leave you with is that moms so appreciate the encouragement that you give to them. It's a challenging job with more critics than helpers. No matter who's on their job or not, it always falls back on the mom. Whether we're tired, sick or facing our own emotional battles, there's no pause button. We do our best to instill the right values in our children, hoping that when they're away from us, they'll be the amazing little human beings we know they're capable of being. So when a school teacher, Sunday school teacher,. relative or friend comes up and says, "Your child is so well mannered", or "She's so thoughtful", it's the best news of our day.
Good moms aren't in it for praise and glory. God knows nobody's handing it out in abundance anyway.
But a compliment to our children IS our praise and glory.
In our hearts, it lets us know that we're doing something right.
Maybe I do give lots of hugs and kisses and let them stay up past their bedtime a time or two. But when I hear that my children are compassionate, thoughtful and concerned about others around them, it lets me know that these are traits and attributes that they can see in me and they're sinking in.
It's a feeling I can't describe or do justice with words.
If you know of a mom who has amazing children, please tell her. You may think she already knows because her children are just like totally awesome and so stinkin cute. But trust me, when she's at home begging them to eat green beans or demanding they find their missing left shoe, it's hard to see the progress and the impact of your parenting.
Let her know she's seen and appreciated.
Let her know she's making a difference somewhere between playtime and bathtime.
Let her know that her labor is not in vain.
Thank you Babe for letting me know.
I'm gonna keep on keepin on for them.

The Rule...

We thrive on rules and regulations. Rules make the world go around. Were it not for rules, cars would crash, systems would fail and we'd all descend into chaos. Rules established the very world we live in the moment God declared, "Let there be...".
So when it comes to this love thing, where do the rules go? lol!
The father of my children and I have a very unique relationship. We are not enemies. We are not a couple. What we are now has yet to be clearly defined.
But this is what I do know...
Yesterday at 10:50 a.m., he called me with fear in his voice, telling me he was leaving work because he was suddenly ill.
I'm sure the rules say that's his problem, let him figure it out and keep it movin. I'm a baby mama and that's all.
But that's not what happened.
Instead, I called, I texted. When he left the emergency room, I went to his house to check on him.
He didn't say anything negative. He did tell me I didn't have to go through the trouble for him.
Maybe, in the back of his mind, he didn't think he was worth the trouble.
But he is.
Everyone that I love is worth the trouble.
In that moment, when I didn't know what was wrong with him, all I knew was that I was the one he called and I wasn't about to leave him to face his emergency alone.
The complicated past between us didn't matter.
Our gray areas and unclear boundaries didn't matter.
All that mattered in that moment was being there and showing love.
And that's the place where love breaks the rules.
You don't have to explain and rationalize everything.
Some things need to be clearly defined and some things need rules and boundaries.
But love aint one of them.

It is the rule.

Love one another.

Join The Celebration, Already in Progress...

1 Samuel 12:15-23 reads:

After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. ¹⁶ David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth^[a] on the ground. ¹⁷ The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

 ¹⁸ On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

 ¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

   “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

 ²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

 ²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

 ²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

I rolled up to the carpool line yesterday in my usual manner. I know I've been the talk of the line; I'm dressed up, hair and makeup done, Caitlyn in tow. I can hear the whispers and see the stares. Everyone is trying to figure out exactly what's with me. But yesterday, a mom that I see often in the line couldn't contain herself a minute longer. She blurted out, "You're always so dressed up. How do you have time for that? All I have time for is a tee shirt and jeans. Aren't you cold?" I smiled at her, not even letting her intended insult phase me. Instead, I looked back at her compassionately and said, "You make time for the things you want". 

When I came home, I began to meditate on what happened. I know I've been looking different lately but as far as I was concerned, it was an isolated incident, MY choice. I'm certainly not the only woman who wears makeup on a daily basis. I'm not the only mama with nice hair. So why were the changes I was making irritating other others around me so much?

That's when this scripture dropped into my heart.

King David experienced the devastating illness and death of a child. However, those around him were watching his every move while he cried and prayed to God, pleading for his newborn son's life. They had him all figured out. When his son did pass away, those standing by thought surely he'd take a turn for the worse once he heard the heartbreaking news.

But David did something that shocked the whole kingdom. 

He got up, he bathed, he dressed himself, he asked for something to eat, and then, he went and comforted his grieving wife Bathsheba.

Pain, difficulty, disappointment and sorrow all have a scripts and costumes. You're expected to look and behave a certain way when you go through certain things. People don't know how to take it when you do the opposite of what they were anticipating.

I may not have pleaded with God for my child's life, but I have pleaded with Him to keep some things alive that were slowly dying around me. When my high school best friend was diagnosed as manic depressive with psychotic episodes, I tried hard to hold onto what we had before. I loved him deeply, even romantically, although he wasn't interested in me that way. We shared a very loving friendship. But once he was hospitalized and diagnosed, I felt what we had slipping away. 

I've tried to repair relationships with relatives whom I love dearly. I've called. I've spent time. I've written letters. But no matter how much I tried, I felt it slipping away. 

As I sit here today, thinking over the things that slipped away even though I tried so very hard to hold on to them, I look to King David as my inspiration.

Sure, it would have been nice to have been married by age 33. 

It would have been nice to have a college degree.

It would have been such a blessing to have a loving relationship with this loved one or that one.

But it didn't happen.

So what did I do?

I got up, I worshiped. I dressed up and I joined the celebration called life that was already in progress.

I'm sure the ladies in the carpool line mean no harm. They too want to celebrate something in their lives. They too want something to get dolled up about. They too want somewhere to go and a place to see.

And that's the problem.

I'm not waiting for somewhere to go. I just decided to make any place THE place to be, even if it's the carpool line.

I decided that everyone in my life needed to be taken care of and that includes ME.

I decided that just because I've been through some things and am going through some things, that doesn't mean I have to look like everything I'm going through or have EVER been through.

I choose to look differently.

I'm the one dressed up in the carpool line.

I'm the one in full face and hair at the grocery store. 

I'm the one smiling for absolutely no discernible reason.

I decided to make life a celebration anywhere, and anytime.

I'm not waiting to be invited to anything. 

I'm already there.

If you're waiting on your invitation to a joyful life, I'm here to tell you, you're in for a long wait. The celebration is where you choose to make it. 

Get your party hat and your pretty dress on. Get hatted and suited.

The place is HERE. The time is NOW.

That's what makes life with Jesus so supernatural. He's not limited to the "what's" and "how's" of life. He dwells in the place called "NOW". 

NOW I can be happy, not when I get married... not when I'm debt free.

NOW I can have peace, not when all my enemies disappear.

NOW I can have joy, not after every dream comes true.

With Him, "some day" becomes TODAY.

Fearless...

I'm afraid of bugs. I know this may sound completely random but stick with me... I'm going somewhere with this.
It's a completely irrational fear. I'm almost 6 feet tall, over 260 lbs. Can you even weigh a bug?
But when one appears unexpectedly in my house, I turn into a squealing little girl. It's really quite absurd how I carry on. Don't judge me. lol!
I had to confront that fear head on when I had children. I was in my room one day and my children were in the family room when I heard a scream. I asked Caitlyn to come to me and tell me what was wrong. It wasn't long before I saw what the problem was.
There on her shirt was a little armored looking bug that I've often seen on my car hanging on like he's made of super glue. Apparently one had found his way to her shirt and was now scaring the living daylights out of her.
I'll admit it...
For a split second, I wanted to beg her brother Matthew to get it. lol!
So what happened?
I took a deep breath, found a sheet of paper and guided the little critter onto it. Then, I opened the door and placed him back in his habitat. Everyone made it home safely that day, thanks to me. I'm sure Mr. Beetle Bug is happy to be in one piece.

I wish I could tell you that when it comes to everything I've faced in my life, I've faced it fearlessly. But that would be a huge lie.

When I held the pregnancy test in my hand July of 2005, I was afraid.
When I thought I'd have to raise him by myself because his father fell off the face of the earth with his own fears, I was afraid.
When I wondered how I'd explain being 28 and pregnant to my family, I was afraid.
When I thought about how on earth I'd raise a child when I'd barely changed a diaper, I was afraid.
Fear has been a factor in my life for sure, even before my children arrived.

However, just like that irrational fear of the wee little beetle bug, all my other fears have proven to be just as irrational.


Little did I know at the time why grace is said to be so amazing.

It's amazing because it meets you right where you are, mistakes and faults stacked around you like boxes, but it NEVER leaves you where it finds you.
Grace found me and lifted me. Grace showed me that even though I'd done a lot of wrong and made plenty of bad decisions, the best decision I ever made was to follow Jesus. That one decision guaranteed me that I'd never lose in life. EVER.
No matter where I go, the grace of God will find me and I will win.

"Diary Of A Baby Mama" is proof positive that you don't have to live as a victim of circumstances beyond your control or even of your own design. There truly is "grace for every place". If you believe and trust God, He can meet you wherever you are and lift you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.

I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But I am a woman that is CONVINCED of the power of God and His ability to transform your life if you let Him. I'm a life that is changed.


No matter where you are today, Grace can find you. 

I can't tell you how many days and nights I cried, scared and confused... guilty and disgusted. I was frustrated and hurt. Angry and disappointed in myself.
But grace found me.
Grace doesn't change your circumstances. Grace changes YOU.
And when you change, everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING begins to change.

With Love and God's Amazing Grace,
-Mel

Diary's Milestone Coming Up!

I can hardly believe it. This baby that I gave birth to is about to turn a year old! Diary of A Baby Mama was a whisper that came to me from God to share my story, no, my TESTIMONY with as many as would be willing to read it.
I had no idea what I wanted to say or how to say it.
I didn't even know where to begin, so much so that my very first post was entitled, "The Fear of Beginning".
All this week I will be celebrating this ministry that the Lord has given to me as well as giving some sneak peaks of where the blog will be headed in 2012. I'm so excited about it and I'm telling you now, it'll be bigger and better!
Stay tuned for what God is about to do through "The Diary Of A Baby Mama" and thank you to those who continue to support this work that the Lord has committed to me.
I honor you and treasure your support always.

With Love and Grace,
-Mel

Woman

I decided several weeks ago that it was time for me to step my game up in the area of my appearance. There's a "me" that I've always wanted to present to the world but for one reason or another, it just didn't happen. Before I had Matthew and Caitlyn, that woman that I saw that I could be started to emerge but she still had a lot of clutter to clear out of her heart and mind.

The early days of motherhood. Working full time, nursing, and two babies still in diapers. It's a wonder I could see straight but this definitely wasn't "me".

Soon after their births, I quickly descended into a frumpy lifestyle. But who really could blame me? Full time working, nursing mom with two children who were 19 months apart. Yea. It's a wonder I could put my head on straight, let alone piece an outfit together.
I stopped wearing makeup because my precious little babies would lick and touch my face constantly as they discovered the world around them. But five years later, no babies were licking my face but my face was still bare. It just became easier to let it go, not to mention I used to use MAC makeup products which cost a small fortune. I could afford them when it was just me to support, but now with a household of three, I felt guilty about every purchase I made. I always found a reason or excuse to put it back and buy something instead for the babies.
But inside I felt lost, forgotten and neglected.
It's funny how what's on the inside has a way of seeping out.
I just wasn't happy inside so I couldn't find a reason to pull it together. Back in the day, I was known for my hair and shoe game always being on point. But lately, both were not up to par.

An early attempt at bringing back the woman within, after the children were born. Not bad, but still not where I wanted to be.

Moms have heard so many times how we need to fix ourselves up and not let ourselves go when the children come. But that's so much easier said than done. There aren't too many voices in the world telling moms it's ok to think of themselves. Just about every voice in a woman's life is telling her not only to give but to give SOME MORE. Some moms' feet don't touch the ground until 7 p.m. every night with everything they have to do for their families. I'm up every morning at 6 and I don't settle down until 12 midnight. If I didn't stay up so late, I'd have no time alone with my thoughts and for blogging. :)
So yea... not too many voices in my life were telling me it was ok to think of myself and treat myself good. In 2010, I started speaking up for myself a little bit. I spent the money and found a bariatric doctor and began a weight loss program. I lost about 30 lbs and managed to keep around 20 of it off. I'm ok with my current weight and size which seems to be holding at about a thick 20. I rather like my curves and for a 33 year old mother of 2, I think I'm lookin pretty gosh darn good!
I've always been into hair. Before I graduated from high school, it was my intention to be a cosmetologist. But God had different plans for me and used my English teacher to encourage me to apply to a small, all women's college I'd never heard of before in my life. But anything that involves creativity immediately grabs my attention. It's no surprise that hair and make up are now my new pass times. I finally get to create the looks I've always admired on other women and that makes me feel wonderful.

Wow, could this be the woman I've been looking for all these years?

The kiddos don't quite know how to take their glammed up mommy. They stare and give me the sweetest little compliments. "I like your eyes mommy". "I like your hair mommy". What mama doesn't want to hear her children give her compliments? Caitlyn loves wearing cute little headbands now and likes feeling "pretty". Matt hugs me and holds my hand after school, that is, until he spots the playground and runs off to play for a bit. It's just amazing how the whole house is lifted when mama is lifted.
When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you look good! The last two years have been the best years of my life. No, the road hasn't always been easy but the inner peace that I now enjoy because of the presence of the Lord and His amazing grace, has transformed my life. I so enjoy living now. I look forward to each new day. Sure, I deal with this and that but now, I realize I'm not alone and I have help. He's willing and able to help me and deliver me from any situation I will and could ever face.

Yep! There's she is! Welcome to Life Woman of God!

So yea, I'm stepping my game up. It's a new day. It's a new season. I'm ready for the new that God is bringing to every aspect of my life. Gone are the days of trying to look good for anyone other than me. I alone approve of what I wear and what I don't. I have a voice now. I have an opinion. I have a right to be me. There's never been a time in my life when I was more comfortable in the skin I'm in than now. I'm still overweight. I still have stretch marks. I still have flaws and imperfections but now, the woman that I always wanted to present to the world is starting to rise up and the little hurt and lonely girl is starting to grow up & be HEALED. I can be cute all by myself just for myself. I smile because I have so much to be thankful for and glad about. I survived some things. I outlived some things. I lived down some things. I've overcome some things. I've gotten over some things. And now, I'm believing God for some NEW things.
I'm standing in a new realm called faith and walking into a new life of grace and mercy.
And I fully intend to look the part.

Rest In Peace...

It's just time.
It's past time.
It's long overdue.
It's time to put the past to rest.
Sure, I and even you who may read this post may find some strange sort of relief by rehashing issues from your past and trying to dissect each painful piece of it. There may be some slight relief that one could feel from assigning blame to the correct person, circumstance, and situation.
But wouldn't it be better to just put it ALL to rest?
My sister, whom I happen to think is one of the most amazing souls on the planet, said something quite profound to me. She told me that she told another relative of ours who we've both had issues communicating with in the past these words " All that you need to know and all that really matters is that I love you".
It may seem simple at first, but I challenge you to meditate on that simple statement and let it awaken in you like it did in me.
We spend so much time in counseling, therapy, talking, arguing, fussing, pleading, demanding. We state and restate our positions. We phrase and rephrase our questions. We indite, we accuse, we blame.
But what would happen if we skipped all of that and just said, "Even if you don't understand everything I say or do and vice versa; even if I disappoint you and vice versa. Even if I fall short of your expectations and you, mine. The only thing you really need to know from me, from this point on is that I LOVE YOU".
What would happen to all of our relationships if we made communicating our LOVE, not our right, the main mission?
What would happen if we stopped in the middle of arguments and said to ourselves, "You know? The only thing you really need to understand is not that I need you to pick up your dirty clothes or stop hanging out so much with your boys. The only thing that you ever need to know and be clear about from this point on is that I love you". I wonder how that would revolutionize our relationships.
As I was talking to my sister, we spoke briefly on how parents can be so critical of their children's mistakes, even making them feel ashamed and pushing them away. I asked the question, "Why do parents do this?" When the answer came flooding into my mind, I could scarcely contain it. It is because when a child disappoints a parent, their parent's response to the disappointment is directly tied to how they themselves were treated when they made mistakes. They didn't get a break. They didn't get compassion. They were condemned, shamed, shunned. But what would happen if we gave to others what we so desperately wanted and needed? What would happen if we dropped the chips on our shoulders and just decided that we didn't have to punish everyone for every misery we've ever felt and experienced? What if we gave them the grace, mercy and understanding we wish someone had given to us when we were in a sad state?
So that's why I'm determined to let the past rest in peace.
Sure, I made a whole heap of mistakes back then. I didn't always use my best judgement. I screwed up royally sometimes. But I'm ready to forgive myself and move on. I'm ready to walk into my present and give my children the gift of a compassionate mom who gives them what I didn't receive back then. When they disappoint, stumble and maybe even fall, I want to climb into the hole, the ditch, the mud and the mess and let them know they're worth saving. I didn't have that when I was coming up. I didn't receive that when I needed it.
But guess what? I'm now in a position to give it to someone else.
And isn't that fact alone worth letting the past rest in eternal peace?

The Birthday Girl

I remember when my mom turned 40. That seemed like such an old age then. That was back in 1991. I couldn't even imagine then that a day would come when I'd be helping her to celebrate her 60th birthday.
She's seen a lot in those years. Only she could tell you what her eyes have seen. While my mom has shared a lot with me over the years, there's still a part of her that remains intensely private about some things and I respect that about her.
If you had told me back then that in 20 years, my parents would be divorced, I'd be all grown up with two children of my own, and my mom would be moving in with me, I would have stared you down in disbelief. Although life for us was never what I'd consider easy, it was always stable. We just knew it would be "us four and no more".
But isn't that why we don't always know what the future holds? If we knew, we wouldn't have the faith to believe we were strong enough to get through it..
As I gather with my only sister and my children to help mama celebrate her special day, I can't help but be reflective. I can't help but thank God for using her to nurture and protect me. Had it not been for her watchful eye and fiercely protective nature, Lord only knows what would have become of my sister and I. Had it not been for her compassion and  tender care, my childhood illnesses would have been so much more difficult to bear. Had she not been the calm in the storm, the trials that we faced as a family would have been so much more difficult to get through.
She made a commitment the day my sister and I were born to be a mother to the end and she's done just that.
The older we both get, our relationship is changing. I have two small children of my own to raise now. I understand now just what it takes to be a mom. If more women knew the cost, they would save their money first. I'm not saying that women shouldn't become mothers. I'm saying they shouldn't do so selfishly. If anything, my mother taught me the selfless side of motherhood.
She did everything a good mother should do but she went a step further. She did something that not too many women nowadays do: she actually LOVED doing it.
I can't tell you how many people I've met in life who take care of families and loved ones and it comes off as being a burden and obligation. But not for my mama. For her, it was and still is her assignment and calling.
I asked mama if in honor of her 60th birthday if I could help her set up her very own facebook page. As far as I know, she has never used a computer outside of the one she uses at her job. She declined. lol!
Mama is my reminder of the way things used to be, when you had to actually open your mouth and talk to people, when people went to the grocery store every other day and when luxuries were appreciated, and not taken for granted. Some of my generation still remember the old Southern tradition of passing out fruit, nuts and candy at Christmas time. But my mama quickly reminds me that for her and her siblings, that was the only Christmas they got and they so looked forward to getting it.
I'm proud to have a piece of living history in my home. My mother attended segregated schools and remembers when this beautiful city I live in was littered with "Whites Only" signs in public places. She remembers when Dr. King and President JFK were assassinated, men I only know about because they were in my history books. Sixty years ago, there was no facebook, twitter or email. My mother caught a bus and flew on an airplane to go check on her sister who lived in Baltimore once. If I want to check on my sister, I can log into Skype, talk with her for free and see her eyes and know for myself if she's ok, all from the comfort of my own home.
I think mama realizes now that although she's lived a good life, there is never anything wrong with embracing change at any age. Sure, change comes a little bit slower for mama than for someone my age, but she's also one of the most open minded people I know. She may not act immediately on what you say, but she always takes it to heart and gives it consideration.
Sixty years ago, my mama was born into a dirt poor family living in a two room house with an outhouse. She proudly told me once, "I was the only child of my mama's 11 children that was born in a hospital". Back during a time when midwives and home remedies were the only guards that stood between life and death, my mama made it into this world and has been beating the odds ever since. Despite having a father who physically abused her mother, she didn't marry a man who physically abused her. Despite not having a high school diploma, she taught her two daughters how to read and write before they entered kindergarten. Despite going through various hardships, she's still standing. Despite her past, she proves to the world daily that it doesn't have to dictate your future. She taught me that your past means nothing when your God is with you.
So today, I salute my mama, Ms. Melvinia Brooks-Lewis. A true woman of God, a pioneer, a brave soul, and most importantly, a loving Mama.
When I read this to her, she'll treat it just like every other gift I've ever given her. She'll hug me, she'll tell me "thank you", and she'll treasure it. Her acceptance of my gifts has made it easy to share my gift of writing with the rest of the world. She's the first person who let me know that my voice mattered.
I can't help but pass the gift of significance along to you too.

I Like You...And I Won't Call You Back.

I am constantly thinking. One of the many thoughts that travel through my mind on a daily is basis is somehow making sense of this tricky situation that is male and female relationships. Why does it have to be so complicated?!
Well, I'm not saying that I have men all figured out, but I can say that I do believe I stumbled across some helpful insights that I don't mind sharing.
As I reviewed my past patterns in love, they all shared a similar quality: total complete media blitz on my part.
Let me explain...
It's true that when you're in love or even at a strong like stage in a relationship, the immediate urge is to talk to that person constantly, whether it is by phone, email, text, or rented blimp. Who doesn't like the high of being in love? Who doesn't just love it when his ringtone starts blaring in the middle of a conversation with your single and frustrated girlfriends?! We LIVE for such moments. Well, I know I did!
As far as I was concerned, I did all the right things. I was available. I sent loving text messages and occasionally, the racy email to help my beloved make it through his day with passionate thoughts of me. When he called, I cooed in his ear about how I just couldn't wait to see him again and if there was any way possible to sneak a moment alone with him, we should both try to make it happen. I put on quite a show and made an excellent case in defense of my good girlfriend trial.
So why wasn't it enough?
Why did it seem as if he liked me more when I treated him worse?
Why did most of the men I ever dated in my life appear to be more enamored with me when I was less-than-happy to be around them?
I've heard many explanations as to why some men seem to be more attracted to mean girls. Some have gone so far as to say that men like to hunt and chase so a woman that gives them some work to do is obviously their first pick over the woman who lays herself in his trap.
But I think it goes even a little deeper than that.
Truth is, some of us have made it well past the fun and games, dating stage and have been involved with some men for several months or even years. Why isn't it working out for us? What are we doing wrong?
I wouldn't necessarily call it "wrong", but here's something to consider.
The wise older women often tell us youngins "Don't make a man your everything". Slowly but surely, we're starting to get it. But this isn't a anthem of independence from men that they were encouraging. No, not at all. Instead, it was an anthem for showing a man you truly understand what it means to be a mate. Think of it this way...
First thing a lot of women tend to do when they enter into a committed relationship is drop friends, family, goals, hobbies and everything else that consumes time like hot rocks. Rarely do men do this initially. He's often pressured into doing so by overly zealous girlfriends who have a whole lot of chips in on this relationship and aren't about to watch a man not put in a fair wager. When a man thinks of a woman, he doesn't think of her as his life, but merely an important part of it. That is in no way an insult and the sooner we learn that as women, the better. What in fact is the insult is leaving the world your man found you in all behind and telling him that he must now shoulder the load of building a world for you.
That is indeed selfish.
I know many of us were taught all our lives that we were supposed to drop everything that ever mattered to us for the sake of a man but I'm here to tell ya, "SOMEBODY LIED"!! The first thing we do after a breakup is try to find the life we dropped somewhere in the distance. We do our best to patch things up with friends and relatives we blew off and dismissed. Some relationships are resilient enough to bounce back, and others, unfortunately, were sacrificed for the sake of the failed relationship.
Am I telling us women not to love our men hard and love them passionately? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we need to change the dialogue in our head and recognize that leaving yourself behind and then expecting someone you love to redefine you is unfair and eventually, may cause them to walk away.
The first thing I want to do when my relationship is fresh and new or riding a passionately loving high is call and text him constantly.
No more.
 He doesn't suffer from short term memory loss. If there's nothing medically wrong with him, he's not going to forget you exist between visits. It's not necessary to make your presence known in every aspect of his day. As a matter of fact, why not show him that you are confident in yourself and happy with your own life by living it? Yes, I said LIVE. Why did you stop going out for drinks with your girls? Why don't you talk to your best friend anymore? Sure, relationships take time to grow and be nurtured but a man should be able to see the life you were living BEFORE he arrived. Stop making so many drastic changes for the sake of a relationship. It's the equivalent of renting a UHaul, packing up and moving your entire house just because someone said they wanted to be with you. Makes no sense, right? So why pack up the people, places and things that you love just because someone said they'd like to be with you? It is possible to love someone without losing everything that makes you YOU. It is possible to love generously without shortchanging everyone else in your life who matters to you.
If families could be honest with you, some would tell you straight up that they HATE when you find a man because you kick them to the curb and they barely recognize who you are because of how you change everything about your life for that man.
Change can be good but there's no reason to change the things in your life that have helped hold you together.
Next time you feel the urge to send ten back to back sweet nothing texts to your boo in the middle of his work day or keep him up til 2 am when you know you both have an early start, put the phone down and turn out the light.
Trust that love doesn't need you to be its PR person. It's strong enough to last even when you're not talking, texting or seeing him.
Get some rest. Live your life. Stop making him your everything. The message you're sending isn't that you love him. What you're actually telling him is that you believe that you contain everything he could ever need to be happy and likewise, he must be the same for you.
I like the fellowship and joy of hanging with my girlfriends, my family and my hobbies. No longer do I expect a man to replace those things.
We should both embrace those things within each other.

Social Media Mommy

I recorded my first youtube video last night! I'm super excited about this new adventure I'm taking into recording myself and posting my videos to youtube. While I thuroughly enjoy blogging and writing in general, I realize that there are many among us who need a face to face, voice to voice connection. 

While I consider myself "low tech" when it comes to the latest gadgets and operating systems, I am no stranger to the new age of social media. Before there was a facebook or a twitter, there were chat rooms and I immediately took a liking to the phenomenon of being able to hold full fledged conversations with people via the Internet.

Needless to say I have enjoyed several relationships throughout the years with people from all walks of life that all began online and yes, I've even dated a man or two who I met on the Internet. My Internet dating days are essentially over but my love of social media and how far it's come since the olden days of instant messengers and chatrooms is still going strong.

One reason I love social media so much is that I am able to connect with some of the most amazing human beings God ever made with ease. Sometimes I wonder what the saints of the bible would have done had they been able to communicate as easily as we do. I literally have friends all over the world now! Had you told me 10 years ago that some of the closest and dearest people to my heart would live in South Africa, I would have looked at you funny. But that is the joy of social media.

But not only does it allow people to connect internationally, let's not forget the bridges that are built nationally and regionally. I have many dear friends whom I have never met in person but we've been in each others' lives going on 6 years because of social media. I've been able to connect with new moms, seasoned moms and grandmoms all through social media. 

I know there are some folks who are still leery of the Internet and social sites. I will say that parents should closely monitor their children and teens Internet usage without a doubt. It is possible to form deep, emotional connections with people you've never met and if done with the wrong people, this can be harmful. Personally, I don't think children under the age of 15 have any business on social sites but that's just my personal opinion. Social media is time consuming. There is a such thing as cyber bullying and all manner of foolishness that can harm and distract children. At this age, children should be happy, healthy and focused on their school work. With that said, my children will NOT have facebook or twitter accounts until they are much, much older. While I don't plan on being an overly strict parent, I certainly intend to be an involved and fully engaged one. It's my job to watch the gate and that's what I'm going to do.So no, my children will not be on the Internet for more than research purposes. 

A great benefit of social media to mothers is the ability to share information, wisdom and advice with other moms from all over the world. I've picked up new recipes, learned how to soothe a baby, remove a stain and all sorts of goodies just from social media and the Internet. It is my belief that women were created by God to be an answer in this Earth so it stands to reason that within each of us lies pearls of wisdom that can bless so many lives. I learned how to braid my daughter's hair after YEARS of not knowing how to cornrow just by watching another mom on youtube braid her daughter's hair. How cool is that?! YEARS people. I went YEARS not knowing how to do it because for years, there was no one around me who could take the time to show me how it's done. But thanks to youtube, I could start, stop, and rewind her tutorials until I figured out what I needed to do. I'm still perfecting my braiding technique but baby girl is presentable! lol! 

I've even been blessed to counsel and be counseled via social media. Who doesn't have questions or deal with issues that seem way over their heads? I can't tell you how many times someone had encouraged me or given me a key piece of advice that helped me to advance to the next level. My spiritual father lives thousands of miles away but with just one click of my mouse, I can connect with him via facebook chat and receive encouragement and insight into God's Word. Amazing!

If your church hasn't established its mark in social media, they are woefully behind! I know there are those who say, "well, I prefer face to face contact and I don't get into all that Internet stuff". I enjoy face to face communication also. However, the world we live in is changing. The majority of young people in just my nation of the United States alone have a social media presence. I don't understand how children can have facebook pages but parents don't even know how to log onto a computer. REALLY?! Not only that, but we want our churches and ministries to grow but we don't have any social media presence whatsoever. I can't tell you how many churches I've decided not to go to simply because they didn't stream their services live via Ustream or Streaming Faith or they didn't have a website, facebook or twitter page. To me it showed a contempt and lack of respect for the people they desired to reach out to . How can you say you desire to connect with the community when you're waiting for people to get in their cars and find your building? People who don't own cars have Internet access! People who can't get a ride to church can log on and view your services. People who live in California can sow a seed into your ministry online via PayPal and other online transaction services. It's not about packing pews anymore. It's about reaching the WORLD! People who you can't see and may never see in person can connect to your life and ministry via the internet if you're wise enough to tap into the field of harvest. 

So yea, I'm a social media mommy. I find that being connected in this way gives me such a vast resource of information and also helps me to connect with people who I'd otherwise never get to see due to our geographical locations. My life is the better for having all of these connections and voices of insight in it and I'm taking my life to the next level! 

Day 3...

I've come full circle. Last year, Leslie Sansone and I began a daily work out routine that did me some good. I didn't lose a drastic amount of pounds or inches but it did improve my overall health. I knew then that I was getting stronger because the one mile work out wasn't kicking my tail as severely as when I first started. I even moved on to the 2 mile work out and completed it with success. I lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 lbs last year. I've managed to keep most of it off but about 10-15lbs have snuck up on me...well...more like landed on my stomach, hips and thighs. lol!
So today is day three of my morning workout.
How am I feeling?
Honestly, I didn't think I'd get through the work out today. Just based on how I felt when I climbed out of bed, I wasn't interested, you hear me! Stuff was hurting and aching that hadn't bothered me before and I didn't want to do it. But I pushed through it. I decided that if I really wanted to shake these 10-15 lbs, I HAD to move.
No way around it.
I will say that I'm not as severely out of shape as I thought I would be. I was heavier when I first did Leslie's one mile walk a year ago and let me tell ya, I can tell the difference! I didn't make it through the entire work out the first time I watched it a year ago. This time, I made it through the whole work out, no breaks, pauses, or rolls to the floor. lol! It's good to know that constant house cleaning and running behind young children does in fact constitute a form of exercise.
I'm not extremely hung up on my weight as far as a number goes. I'm weird in that I wouldn't mind hips and thighs of thunder if my waist was tiny. Can I PLEASE just get rid of this baby belly once and for all?! But of course, weight loss is a package deal. We can't pick and choose which parts to modify.
Basically, I just want to look good in my clothes, feel great in my stilettos and keep my health in check. It's not about losing a ton of weight anymore. I just want to be healthy and look good to myself. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking my waist so I'm doing something about it besides buying a more sturdy girdle.
I doubt I'll be posting any weight loss pics per se because that isn't my goal. If anything, I'll post pictures of my experiments with my look. I've changed my hair up. It's getting cold outside so I'm rocking the longer hair. I'm 90% natural underneath my extensions which is wonderful because it's giving me a chance to really take care of my natural hair and grow out my relaxer. My goal is to have 100% natural hair underneath any look that I wear. I'm sincerely tired of chemical burns and I absolutely adore natural hair. Weave, wigs, and etc allow me to experiment with a variety of different looks. I know some men (and women for that matter) take issue with "fake" hair but it's no issue to me. I think a woman has the right to look and feel beautiful. It's not a permanent thing. I can take the hair off anytime I want and I've even worn natural looking extensions. It's all about feeling good when you step out. It's funny but most women, when we KNOW we look good, we check ourselves out in the mirror and turn our lips up, as if to say, "Girl, you BAD!":. LOL! I love it!
Whatever you're rocking, whether it's weaves, extensions, braids, locks, natural kinks, curls, wigs or bald, feel good with your look. If you absolutely adore animal print, rock it. I don't even mind if you pick up a signature color. I've seriously been considering doing so. I LOVE charcoal gray and black together. Lisa Rae is a prime example of a woman who has found her signature color and rocks it HARD. Why not? Sure, it's the same color but she also looks good EVERY TIME she's in it! lol! So yea, haters can hate, but can they really justify hating on you for looking good repeatedly? Kinda makes no sense.
When you find a color that compliments you, stock up on it! Don't be afraid to buy it in multiple styles, fabrics and cuts. You'll feel great every time you wear it. And isn't that what matters most?
You have my permission to feel good and rock what makes you feel good! Stop walking around in clothes you can't stand, hair you don't like and makeup that you're not happy with. Sit your happy self down in front of youtube, watch a tutorial and LEARN! I've been watching tutorials for eye shadow and boy, the change has been amazing! I feel so much better about my look and the more I learn how to properly apply it, the better it'll be.
Remove everything from your space that brings you no comfort or joy. I don't care if it's a flat pillow on your bed that you haven't had the heart to throw out. CHUNK IT! Keep nothing around you that doesn't give you a daily does of happiness and satisfaction. Eat food that tastes good. Drink drinks that taste good. Wear perfume that smells good. Wear clothes that look good on you. Wear hairstyles that suit you.
A little change can do a lot of good!

Who, Me?

Just a thought...
Sometimes it's just good to treat yourself good. Do something nice for yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Pay yourself a compliment. Feel pretty. Look cute! I don't know if it's because my baby girl is about to turn 4 years old next month or because I'm just plain tired, but I'm turning my look around. I'm wearing makeup now (wowza), styling my hair, putting my outfits together more thoughtfully...exercising.
The encouragement I've received even with baby steps to improve ME have been amazing. Thanks to my dear friends who believe in me, encourage me and keep me motivated. I can't say I'm feeling like my old self because that's not true. I'm feeling different than the old me. This me is more mature, confident and happy.
When I look in the mirror, I like what I see.
That feels really good.
I let some things go for the sake of motherhood, partially because I thought that's what I had to do. God forbid I put myself on the list for anything. But the older my children get, the more I realize it takes nothing away from their care for me to include myself in the TLC. It doesn't have to be expensive or even major. Sometimes it's just as simple as enjoying a guilt free dark chocolate or indulging in your favorite fragrance. Whatever it is, I encourage you to take care of yourself. Love you. Why?
Because God Himself thinks an awful lot of you.

I Don't Want To Die!

Usually you hear this phrase yelled out in a moment of desperation; a character in a movie decides that although death was once their first choice, living is now a must. "I don't want to die, I want to live!"
Which got me to thinking...
What if I began living my life with this same type of desperate declaration?
We place more emphasis on dying than we realize. As a matter of fact, death is a part of our daily routine: life insurance, living wills, power of attorney, retirement funds, etc. We're all preparing to die and we're doing our best to prepare well. We work late, stay up late, save, scrape, and budget in dying as best we can.
But what if we made a decision to LIVE?
What if we started embracing the "abundant life" that Jesus spoke of, purchased with His own blood and promised to freely give to us? What would happen if we have a revolution of life?
What would our lives look like if we started planning to live more than to die? What would we do if we woke up one day, like Hezekiah with time added to the clock? How would we live if we took death off the table of options? What would change?
I know it's a lot to think about. Most of us have never thought about it. I didn't think of it much until recently. But the only difference I see in people who live what I would consider fulfilled and purposeful lives and those who don't is that the former placed more emphasis on living than dying.
Now, does that mean we shirk our responsibilities and stop taking care of those things given over to our care? Absolutely not. But what would happen if we took the emphasis off death and put it back on life? Time and time again in the Gospels, Jesus spoke of "life" and "light". Believe it or not, so many believers have lost their will to live. They don't have the Light of Jesus shining in the hearts and illuminating the darkness of their circumstances. They love Him wholeheartedly but have somehow been unable to fully embrace this life and light of which He spoke. How can we change this?
It starts with a choice.
I choose life!
When I pray, I speak life and health to my body. I command sickness and disease to depart. I expect to recover from any cold or ailment that comes my way. Why? The Word says with His stripes, we are healed! I'm placing the emphasize on life and not death in my life. I shall live and not die to declare the works of the Lord. The dead physically and spiritually can't praise God and declare His works to the nations. So that's why I want to embrace life. I want His glory to be revealed in me. I don't want to wake up everyday planning on how to die a better death. I want to live a better life!
That means this extra 50 lbs I've been lugging around has to go.
That means I'm going to eat like someone who has a purpose and a destiny.
That means my thoughts and meditations will be on things that are pure and lovely.
That means my relationships will reflect my commitment to embracing the abundant life supplied to me through Jesus Christ.
Change is good and I fully embrace it.
I don't want to die.
I want to live abundantly in Christ Jesus!

What's Shakin?

Hello everyone! Sorry I've been away from the blog for a few days. There's really no excuse for it besides the fact that every now and then, I get in what my mom calls "one of those funky moods". Sometimes I just don't like putting everything that's in my head and on my heart in writing. Kinda weird, I know but it's the side of me that I find quite interesting. I am a talker and yes, I have a lot to say. But the truth of the matter is that I can talk for hours and not say what I should or actually wish that I could. It's wild, I know but it's a part of my unique personality.
So what's been going on? Well, yesterday, Matt had his first Parent/Teacher conference. It went well. His dad was a champ and showed up as well. I got to see the work he's been doing in class as well as his drawings that are hanging in the hallway. He admittedly had a bit of a rough start but I think he's starting to find his groove and before the year is up, I anticipate seeing even more improvements. As a matter of fact, I already am. His handwriting is getting better and he's getting a little more comfortable using scissors. I really wish that schools didn't make such a big, hairy deal out of cutting with scissors. Why on earth is this a basis of a child's development?! Heck, I can't even cut straight and I'm 33 years old! Anyway, neither here nor there. Shout to to my lovely teacher friends who may be reading. I know you all are just doing your jobs and must teach what the state has outlined. Just a mommy venting here. Scissors suck. LOL!
This past weekend, I had to put my foot down with Marc. As most already know, we ended our committed relationship over a year ago with one small attempt to reconcile in between. But it never worked out for us and that's something that I find unfortunate. It would be nice if we could work things out but there's a lot of changes that need to take place before that can be a reality and only one of us seems to be willing to make those changes. Last time I checked, you can't be in love by yourself. Just this past weekend, after some serious flirting and propositioning on his part, I asked, "So, do you want to get back together?" His reply was, "I don't know". HAHA! What do you mean you don't know?! Seriously buddy?! Five years and two kids later, you don't know?! At first I retorted, "I don't know is not an answer", and then I corrected myself by saying, "Actually, it is. Ok. Got it".
I don't know is an answer. It's a nice way of saying, "I don't want you". It's frustrating when you're in love with someone who's long since fallen out of love with you and even more difficult when that person arbitrarily decides to interrupt months of no physical contact with the invitation to "get it on".
But I'm 33 years old. That means I'm too old for this sort of nonsense. By this age, we're supposed to be able to read between the lines, get the bigger picture and make the hard decisions. So, I basically told him, "You want one thing and I want another. Let's stop the flirting and just raise our kids, ok?" And that was it. It broke my heart a bit because I knew the little attention he was showing me would immediately end. My heart was heavy. I questioned within myself, "Lord, how long until I can have a real love of my own?" I'm not saying he answered by thunder and lightning but I have been realizing that what I can have is directly tied to what I believe that I deserve. If I believe that I can have a better relationship with someone else, then that's what I will eventually have. Sure, it will take time but time is on my side. I'm in no rush. A good man and a solid relationship is worth the wait. I've already invested a good 13-14 years of my life into two failed relationships. Nothing wrong with waiting a year or two for a healthy relationship to come my way.
So yes, I'm open to something new. Will it be easy? It will have its challenges. Will the children take kindly to mama dating? We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But we all deserve love, joy, peace, and a stable home. We deserve to be respected and loved and appreciated. I deserve it
I want it.
I believe that I receive.

Stop Whining!

One of the joys of being a parent is that it has not only matured me as a woman but as a child of God. I know it is quite unfair to compare a loving God to any human being's love. He's far more loving of us than we could ever be to anyone. However, it is because of this love that I have my children that I am starting to put my own relationship with my Heavenly Father into perspective. So to be quite honest, parenting is one of the greatest gifts we can be given in our earthly experience.
But here's one thing I can't stand as a mom:
WHINING.
Oh, my goodness! Nothing gets under my skin quite like the sound of my three year old daughter or worse, her five year old brother whining about something they want or something they were denied. I am ready to blow a fuse when they start up. Well, I began to explore this thought a little more so I asked my mom as we sat around the breakfast table, "What makes whining so annoying?" She said, "It's a form of manipulation, control, and it's selfish". Wow. My mama is so full of wisdom!
As she spoke, I added this thought to what she said, "And whining tries to place the sound of a need onto a want in order to heighten its importance".
Bingo.
My children know that if they cry out as if in distress, I'll come running. They also know that I'll say "NO" firmly if they ask for a snack before even eating a meal or wanting to watch a movie before bedtime. So what do they do when all else fails? They try to turn what they want into a need by giving it the sound of whining. They cry. They scream. They beg. They appear to be in deep distress.
They are none of the above.
What they are doing is attempting to force my hand to give them something or do something that I have already determined not to do for them or that I have already stated wasn't appropriate for them for whatever reason.
Whining is a sign of immaturity. Nothing worse than going to the mall or grocery store and hearing a child, almost as tall as their parent, whining and pitching a fit over something they want, while their parent looks helplessly on or tries to ignore them.
So I asked God, "Do we whine to you?"
Immediately my mind went to the children of Israel. Yes, the scriptures say they "murmured and complained" but the only difference between a murmur and a whine is the volume and the age of the person doing it. Children whine. Adults murmur and complain.
But guess what? They're BOTH immature and wrong.
What I try to teach my children is that they can and SHOULD ask clearly and respectfully for what they want. Once they receive their answer, they must respect it. Many times, I have changed my mind on things I previously said no to because they kept a good attitude despite being disappointed.
It's important to remember that our Heavenly Father is always watching and certainly, always listening. He hears our conversations with our friends and family. He listens to every complaint we make. He's aware of each mumble and grumble that escapes our lips.
It's annoying when it happens to us.
It's also annoying to God when we do so to Him.
Does that mean we'll agree with everything He says or does?
Certainly not. There are something things God will ask you to do, not do, or tell you that you can't have that will disappoint you. But here's another great secret about parents: they're always looking for ways to bless their children.
I may not be able to give my child what they want at that moment, maybe because they aren't old enough to receive it, but I'm constantly looking for things that I CAN give them that they're ready for.
God is no different. Just because He says "No" or "wait" to what we request doesn't mean He isn't interested in blessing us. And more often than not, He wants to know if your heart is right towards Him. If my children storm off and throw things because I tell them "no", the nice thing I had already purposed to do for them instead of what they asked for immediately gets scrapped.
The scriptures tell us, "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you". Even when we don't get what we want when we want it, can we stop whining already? Can we stop complaining about what didn't happen when and how we wanted it to? Can we "fix our faces" before God, worship Him and glorify Him anyway, knowing that He is in that very moment preparing a counter blessing for us?
He loves us and desires to bless each of us as His sons.
Trust and believe that He will give you a good and perfect gift in its time.

Do You Like Loving Me?

I caught a bit of a certain famous psychologist's show today and his guests were parents who had questionable parenting practices. The second set of parents in particular caught my eye. The father ran the household in a military type fashion with his wife as his enforcer. I watched them explain how as a family they'd play card games but if their children lost, they were made to do push up's.
Kinda puts your own upbringing into perspective, doesn't it? LOL!  Sheesh.
The good doctor made some decent suggestions to this couple, mainly asking them to consider their children's feelings and allow them to be "children" more.
I kept waiting for him to say what I believe the Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear but he never did.
What did the Spirit say?
He said, "Isn't it a shame that for all their love for their children, it's being lost in their drive to appear as if they're being good parents?"
Whoa.
That made me do some thinking and soul searching.
We've all seen the wives who compare their marriages against their girlfriends, trying to see if they have a "good" marriage. We've all seen or been the parents that compare their parenting skills to other parents, in the hopes that we measure up and are found somewhere up there with the "good parents".
But what if the quest to be a good parent was actually the problem?
The Holy Spirit continued His inner dialogue with me and said, "No one likes to have a bunch of tasks, duties and responsibilities in a day. But few realize that complaining about the tasks, duties, and responsibilities that directly affect and benefit those that we claim to love is very hurtful. Who wants to feel like someone's job? Someone's headache? Someone's source of stress and strain?"
It's not easy being a single mom. I don't have enough arms, eyes, ears and feet to do everything that must be done in a day. I don't have enough brain cells to juggle three major food allergies, two different sleeping habits, and four different personalities. I do my best but sometimes I miss it.
But it occurred to me today that all of my hard work, sacrifice, and self denial for the sake of my children would be in vain if they grew up feeling as if I never just simply enjoyed being their mom and having them in my life.
Wow.
Isn't that something to ponder?
What good is all of the sacrifices we make for those we claim to love if we never communicate the most basic of expressions of love that simply says, "I love being who I am to you and I love having you in my life"?
It would break my heart if my children came to me as adults and said, "Mama, we knew you loved us but we never felt that you liked us".
Wow again.
I don't like laundry. I don't like cleaning the same messy room everyday. I don't like wiping up spills and figuring out bills and all of the other tasks, duties and responsibilities that come along with being a mom. However, I dislike "it", not THEM. Unfortunately, children aren't always able to separate the "it" from the THEM.
Today, I asked myself the real question: Through all of the things that you do to keep your family going and the house running smoothly, are you finding the joy in it all?"
When my children look at me, do the see a woman who is happy and joyful or someone who is stressed and annoyed? Do they feel like blessings or obligations?
Do my loved ones feel loved?
Do my friends know that I enjoy them or do they feel like I tolerate them?
Does my love show?
Does my joy flow?
I know I've got a lot to do in a day, just like everyone else who's a responsible adult. There's about three loads of laundry, one bathroom and one more bedroom screaming to be cleaned as I type. But no matter my list of tasks, chores, responsibilities and obligations, can my joy of loving those who love me be felt? Be seen? Be heard?
That's a better project to undertake than logging onto facebook or twitter and seeing what new fancy extracurricular activity your contemporaries have signed their children up for. My children don't speak Russian. We're still working on tying our own shoes and cutting with scissors. Nope, my children aren't being shown SAT flash cards in between calligraphy lessons. They don't know long division. Maybe less than 24 hrs ago, I would have viewed this as a sign that I needed to step my game up as a mom and involve them in more things and get us more busy as a family. But on second thought....
Maybe, just maybe we're ok and maybe, just maybe our validation as a good family doesn't have to come from the outside.world but it should come from within? I'm not saying all those other things aren't good and possibly beneficial but what good is any of it if our own children don't even know that we like them and we LIKE being parents? For all of our moaning, groaning and complaining over chores, bills, bosses, traffic and messy rooms, maybe we're not sending the right message out to our children. Yes, we work hard. Yes, we have a lot on our plate. But at no time is a full plate equal to a bitter cup. So what  I lose a few hundred hours of sleep and work hard to earn a living? It's all worth it for the joy of having my children in my life. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what we all need? We just want to know that to someone, we're worth the trouble.
Genesis 29:20 puts it this way: "And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her".
Every wife wants to know while he's working behind that desk or sweating in that hot sun, the love he has for her makes it all seem like a light burden. Every husband wants to know that her cooking, cleaning and support comes from love, not obligation. Every child wants mommy or daddy to be just as excited to see them at the end of eight or more hours apart as they are.
It's not a job when you love.
It's not work when you care.
God gives us that gift everyday. I'm going to try harder to make sure my children, my family and my friends receive it from me too.

Everyday God...

I barely got my eyes open this morning before I was bombarded with an unbelievable amount of annoyance. Blaring cartoons, then the unexplained short circuiting of the living room tv by my third child named "Somebody". Somebody gets blamed for all mysterious accidents and damage to personal property in my house. Somebody and my three year old, Caitlyn, are best friends. Juice spilled all over the kitchen floor and a torn blanket later, I was ready to go back to bed and hadn't even gotten out of bed. It wasn't even 7:30 yet and I was already on 10, lungs fully inflated.

I picked up my cell and texted my sister, hoping someone on the outside could explain the surreal events going on in my house. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I know I can't be the only mom who felt she woke up in Pee Wee's Fun House! She could sense my growing frustration and I sarcastically replied, "I need to pray". She replied, "You should".

Wow.

Who thinks to pray in moments like these?

Who WANTS to pray in moments like these?!

But everything I wanted to do in those moments were all sins and at the very least misdemeanor crimes so prayer was definitely in order. 

So I prayed. It was nothing grand and worthy of a National Cathedral. It was simple and sincere: "Lord, help me through this!"

A few minutes after I prayed, the Holy Spirit began speaking to my heart in the form of thoughts. I began to think, "How can I move past this overwhelming sense of anger and frustration that I feel? His gentle reply, in the form of another thought was, "You move past anger when you don't dwell on it. Dwelling on the things that make you angry is like placing a pot of water on a stove and increasing the heat. Before you know it, it'll go from a simmer to a boil. That's what anger is like. A pot on a stove. Take the pot off the heat. Don't think about what's making you angry and rehearse it over and over in your mind". Sure enough, it worked! I stopped replaying the broken tv and how I imagined my industrious little girl managed to seep Capri Sun into the back of it. I stopped dwelling on the thoughts. 

The pot of whatever was still there, but it was no longer on the stove coming up to a boil.

As I was reflecting on just how whacky my day began, I realized that we serve an everyday God. What I mean by that is we often forget to include Him in every aspect of our lives and the activities of our day, including our frustrations. He's our lifesaver in times of crisis, but what about letting Him be our Guide Who leads us out and away from the crisis?
A certain entrepreneurial woman started a very successful business with the marketing strategy of providing recipes and crafts that easily fit into our everyday routine. Nothing dramatic. Everyday.

God is an everyday God, not just a major crisis and struggle God. He's God when we're frustrated with our children, our bosses, our parents, our spouses-ourselves. He doesn't need us to qualify our issues and cares before we cast them on Him. As a matter of fact, He did specifically tell us to cast ALL of them on Him because He cares for us.

He's an everyday God that's accessible all day, everyday and for everything.

That's a wonderful thing to know.