Thirties:You Should Have Learned Something By Now

Stupidity can last up to 20 years. How do I know this? It's because for the most part, I made a shipwreck of my roaring 20's. Twenty somethings know just enough to be dangerous. They have buying power, independence, peak sexual performance and a paycheck. Look our world! Here comes trouble wide open on two tires!
I by no means intend to offend or infuriate my twenty something readers. This is humorous and slightly sarcastic reflection on a place I once was and I can relate. But I owe it to you to tell you that you're stupid.

I think about three thirty and over women just nodded their heads in agreement. LOL!

And that's what should happen when you enter the decade of thirty. Your eyes should come open like curtains in the morning. Aha moments should pop up left and right. By now you've weathered unbelievably risky gambles against your health, safety  and finances. You are either in the middle of a financial storm or sitting in the pile of rubble it left in its wake. You've got a few exes under your belt and the scars to prove it. Maybe that Vegas wedding on a whim in cowboy boots and ripped jeans is now an alimony payment in your checking account. You're quite possibly a parent by now, all but forced to surpress your inner child and manage the very real, and very demanding outter children who now depend on you for everything. You're probably a few years into a career you're not that fond of and steadily approaching what I'd like to call the "mini midlife crisis".
Oh yea folks...

Thirty somethings know all about this.

This is when your straight laced husband decides it's time for him to unleash his inner, irresponsible freak and shed the shackles of lifelong committment. It's also when you stare at your boobs in the mirror and seriously consider using next year's tax refund for a bust lift. Maybe you've caught the glimmer of a few gray hairs in the bathroom mirror and have decided it's time to discuss semi permanent or permanent hair coloring with your stylist. Even more serious, maybe you've buried both sets of grandparents and realize it won't be long until you are in your own parents' shoes.
You're thinking about life insurance for the first time in your life.
Should I get a living will?
Who will care for my children if something should happen to me?
Do I want a DNR order?
Do I want to spend another 10 years of my life in this city? In this career? In this relationship?
Oh yea... it's a mini midlife crisis alright!
But seriously, you should have learned something by now!
The only thing more disappointing than a disasterous twentieth decade is a ten year repeat performance.
Whether you realize it or not, you've learned a ton of things by now. You may not see it because you're effectively submerged in the routine of life that you hardly notice all of the wisdom you've acquired since high school. However, if you took the time to slow down a bit, you'd see, like me, that by thirty something, you can and SHOULD have learned a lot by now.
One of the biggest life lessons I've learned as a thirty something year old woman is that we set ourselves up for much of the dramatic high's and lows of life by our own actions. How so? Here's an example. You receive an invitation by facebook or email regarding your highschool class reunion. First of all, you were not popular in high school nor were you happy there. You were the awkward misfit with no friends and chubby cheeks but as soon as the invitation hits your inbox, you're out shopping at Lane Bryant trying to find something slimming and age defying.
 Then it's off to Zumba class and Weight Watchers to lose 60 lbs in three months. Before you know it, you're driving or flying across country to stand in a room full of people who don't even recognize you and if they do, still can't pronounce your name correctly and once again, you're the one nursing a glass of wine at the bar, feeling oddly insecure and unhappy, much like you did 15 years earlier. Here's the best way to handle potentially difficult situations like class reunions, parties, and receptions:
DON'T GO.
It's really that simple. Why on EARTH are you spending hundreds of dollars for hair, makeup, Zumba, outfit and airfare to go and be made to feel like an 18 year old oddball?! Seriously?!

Thirty somethings should have learned by now the value of peace of mind and the absence of drama.

The best thing about making it out of our teens and twenties is that we don't have to EVER repeat it!
So the next time you get an invitation from someone you don't like and that you're almost positive NEVER liked you, simply don't go. *DELETE*
Another realization that thirty somethings with good sense tend to make is that although they've essentially let 10 good years get flushed down the toilet in superficial enterprises, there's still enough time to turn the Titanic around and avoid the next iceberg. Change is possible at any age, but when you're in your teens and twenties, change is like being in a jetski. By the time you hit your mid thirties and 40's, change feels more like a yatch. The mind, body and soul just doesn't get up and zig zag between the changes of life like it used to. Another gut punch is that although we still could quite possibly have more years ahead of us than behind us (it's reasonable to think I'll live til 66, Lord willing), the truth is that the sands of the hourglass now appear to be sliding a little bit faster than just ten short years ago. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles who were embroidered into the fabric of our lives are now deceased. God forbid we lose a parent or comrad. The gut punch is even harder. We realize that turning fifty isn't in the far distant future like it used to be. We also realize that by the time we turn 50, our parents who are 25-30 years our senior, may not be there with us.
These realizations scream that we should have learned something by now.
What do I have to show for three decades worth of breathing in and out?
Is this as good as it gets for me?
Can the Titanic be rerouted?
When I was twenty, the thought of starting over completely from zero was not nearly as imposing as it is now.
I have children now. I have a pitiful yet confirmed credit score. I own property. I'm not sick or dying, but I don't have the same amount of energy as I used to. I require naps now.
Can I start from zero and make it to 100?
Thirty somethings know that although it may seem daunting, it can be done.
Those in their forties, fifties, and sixties tell us that we're still youngins. They know what we're capable of. They know we have the juice to get it done if we take the step.
I used to think that my twenties were a critical decade. Lord knows I made my fair share of mistakes there and made my bed pretty gosh darn hard. Over time, I've realized that actually my critical hour is NOW. As chocked full of nonsense as my twenties were, I came out of them in one piece and with many, MANY nuggets of truth and hard knock wisdom.
I'm smart enough to realize that most twenty somethings won't listen to me nor see the benefit of my wisdom. *watching my thirty and over's nodding and chiming, "Mmm hmm". lol!* We all know the hardest heads are the twenty somethings. We were hardheads once. We were stubborn, fierce, full of fire and vinegar and armed with just enough knowledge to be a force.
We were all there.

And we all got our butts kicked real good by life and its curveballs.

Please don't dispair twenty somethings. Things do get better. As difficult as it is to look at the longterm, do everything you can to minimize the impact of your decisions on decades that you can't even see. Buy a house when you're ready, not just because all of your friends are homeowners. Get married because you're in love and you've done your homework, not just because you're trying to have a baby before you hit 30. The decisions you make should come from what is true to YOU, not what is pressing against you.
Follow your heart, not your girlfriends. Your heart may contradict the "in" crowd, but guess what? You graduated from high school already and you can now enjoy the clique called YOU.

Don't look up and realize you spent the past 10 years trying to find someone who was always there.
You're learning everyday and by thirty...
You'll be amazed by what you know.

The List

Grocery List. Chore List. Task List. Relationship List.
The list goes on and on!
Truth of the matter is that we seem to have an obsession with lists these days. We rely on lists to keep us organized and focused. We look to lists to chronicle our ideas and dreams. We use lists to track our progress or lack thereof. We also use lists to define what we want in a mate.
I was no different than any other hormonal teenager in the world and spent the better part of my teenage years fantasizing about boys. My dear sweet mother did all she could to give my over-the-top emotions an ouitlet and her solution was the construction of "THE LIST".
It was my task to sit down and write all of the characteristics, down to phyiscal features, that I wanted in a boyfriend and pray, believing that God would somehow in His omnipotent power, cause our paths to cross.

Bless her heart, and mine too.

Here's what my list looked like, back in the day:
Good hair (curly or wavy)
Caramel complexion
Tall
Loves God
Goes to church
Light eyes
Rich
Nice Car
Good job
Minister

That's what my list looked like between the ages of 15 & 18. Sad to say, I've seen the same items on the lists of women twice that age. You'd think our lists would grow up along with us.
If I could come alongside my 15, 16 or 17 year old self, and proofread her "list", this is what it would look like:

Good Hair (wavy or curly) Your hair, sweetheart, is not wavy or curly. Is it fair to make this a requirement? Should hair texture define his or even your beauty?

Caramel Complexion Once again, your complexion is not caramel. You are a beautiful dark brown. HE can be too.

Tall  It's  ok to prefer a tall man as long as you keep an open mind. After all, you don't want someone to overlook all of YOUR good qualities simply because of your physical appearance.

Loves God This is definitely the best thing on your list so far but you'll come to realize over time that a person's true relationship with God is private. However, their character and integrity is public. Make that your focus.

Goes to church You'll see over time that just because a man or woman attends church, that doesn't mean they are good people or will treat you good. How a person behaves outside of those four walls should be your primary focus.

Light eyes Seriously?! lol! You just excluded a ton of people because of this one requirement Rethink this.

Rich Define "rich". Just because a man has money doesn't mean YOU will. Is he generous? That's what you need to make sure you find out.

Nice Car What exactly is a "nice car"? If you mean, "expensive", then you are being petty and need to think realistically. A man doesn't have to drive a Mercedes or Bentley to get along. You'll soon have your own cars and car payments and trust me, you will NOT have Mercedes money but will be blessed with reliable transportation.

Good Job Well this would make sense. If he's supposed to be rich and drive a nice car, then that would require a good job! But in order for a man to earn enough money for a "rich" lifestyle, he must devote a large portion of his time to that job and not to you. Are you sure you want a rich man? Think about it...seriously.Try a man who leads a balanced life and is financially responsible. That's a little more down to earth.

Minister I know what you're thinking, "surely a preacher is going to be a man I can trust and who has integrity!" But this is not a given sweetheart, There are plenty of God fearing men out there who are not clergymen. Don't hold this against them and don't assume he's a man of integrity just because he is clergy.

Sometimes I wish someone had gone over my list like this with a red marker! lol! But the bottom line is that there are plenty of young women in the world who have unchecked lists. There was a time in my life when I preached against the construction of lists but now, I see their usefulness. If done right, mothers can get a glimpse into the mindset of their daughters as it relates to men and guide them where they may be drifting. It can be used as a tool to show moms where problem areas are. Daughters who emphasize superficial qualities may be battling issues with self esteem and self worth. Daughters overly articulate about material possessions may lack compassion and empathy for the plight of others less fortunate.
These lists can be used for good but these lists must change.
If you're a young woman, an older woman can help you fine tune your expectations on life. If you're an older woman, it can hopefully show you where you have the greatest need and show you areas that you can continue to improve on.
It's ok to make a list.
Just make sure you're putting those lists to work for you.

Feed The Birds

I was standing in my kitchen yesterday washing dishes and tidying up things. As I wiped down the counter tops, I noticed that there was some old bread in the bread bowl (we use a large bowl instead of a bread box.. quirky, I know...lol!). I was about to toss all of it when I caught myself, almost with a start. I said to myself, "Don't throw that out! You can use that to feed the birds!"
I didn't grow up around animals, in part because I was literally allergic to so many different things, but the one animal I distinctly remember the most in my childhood was birds. I can remember my mother taking stale cornbread and slices of bread and tossing it out the back door onto the yard. When I asked her why she was doing this as a child, she'd say, "it's to feed the birds". Occasionally, we'd see a bird or two land and then take flight with a morsel of bread in his beak. But for some odd reason, this act of feeding the birds never left me.
My parents weren't avid bird watchers or anything of the sort. We never owned a bird feeder or grew flowering bushes specifically for hummingbirds. For the most part, we lived our lives almost totally removed from the animal kingdom and completely submerged in our own humanity. That is, until it was time to decide what to do with old bread.
Well yesterday, I decided that it would be for the children to experience feeding the birds so I planned to gather up all the old bread and take the children to feed the pigeons in downtown Greenville tomorrow. I've experienced the feeding of the pigeons near Falls Park once before and let me tell you, it's quite spectacular. If you have a bird phobia, I don't recommend it because those little guys are bold and a large number of them cluster around those who come bearing goodies.
I couldn't help but go back to that period of time in my life when I observed my mom setting aside old cornbread and sliced bread to feed the birds. I'm not even sure why she did it or when she started it, but there was something within her that told her it was the right thing to do.
Here I was, decades later, with the same burden on my heart: feed the birds.
First of all, we're not even from the same species! Why on earth am I concerned about a bird eating or not?
Then I realized that this is how God works.
Just when you think you're not on someones mind, God is placing you there, as subtle as an "aha" moment. There's probably some pigeon crying out to God now for his next meal. God heard him and told me to use that old bread to take a trip downtown with my two little children to feed him. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a great and mighty God to go through for something as lowly as a flock of birds. But that the way He is.
My mama came up in a era that knew all about struggle. They helped their neighbors and friends. Sometimes a sack of flour and can of lard was the difference between life and death by starvation. She knew all about hard times and saw her fair share. So did my dad. And maybe, it's with that understanding that both took the time to feed the birds. Even if it was just a slice, they didn't throw it away. Out the backdoor and into the yard it went.
I guess such a gesture would be considered littering today but to my parents, it was there way of remembering the weak and the lowly.
So while we're standing at Falls Park feeding a feisty flock of pigeons tomorrow, I'll remember that the Great God of the Universe laid them on my heart and if he can lay a bird on the heart of a human being so that it doesn't go hungry, surely He can and will lay you and I on someones heart at the right time and take care of us.
Don't forget to feed the birds.

Boys Will Be Boys?

I absolutely love being a mom. I honestly believe that motherhood was God's personal gift to me which lifted me from self destructive behaviors and a feeling of worthlessness. Nothing says "I need you" quite like the voices of your innocent children. Not only am I a mom, I'm also the mother of two, a boy and a girl. It's very true that there are differences in gender and I'm thankful for the opportunity to observe those differences first hand. I never had a brother so it's interesting to see my son and daughter interact.
Their personalities are so different. Whereas, my son is very thoughtful and thinks ahead, my daughter tends to be a tad bit more selfish, sometimes downright diva-like. lol!
For the most part, I believe that my children behave age appropriately. What I mean by that is although I recognize my children are not always angelic, their sometimes naughtiness is not what I would consider to be a major issue. I'm still able to control them. There's no biting, scratching and spitting going on. lol! Nobody has set anyone or anything on fire and sadistically laughed about it.
My children are ok.
I consider myself to be a good, loving parent and for the most part, I try to look out for every single need of my children, particularly their mental and physical health.
But I had no idea that my son's gender identification would become my sole responsibility and burden.
Really?
Let's face it. Few moms wake up in the morning with a check list of "boy specific" rules to follow. We find ourselves instinctively gravitating to the things our children show interest in. My son LOVES cars and trucks which makes my life so much easier because there are some moms with boy children who want dolls and wear the color pink.
But the thing that I find disturbing is that both single and married moms are finding themselves in the cross hairs when it comes to the behavior of their little boys. As I stated just a second ago, my son likes cars and trucks 90% of the time. But for maybe 10% or less, he wants to comb mommy's hair while I braid his sister's hair. He and his sister play in my closet and occasionally, he's been known known to slip on my shoes. If his dad ever caught wind of this, there would be hell to pay and of course, it would be my fault that his son wasn't displaying manly qualities at all times. REALLY?
Okay folks. Let me weigh in on the whole subject of gender roles and children.
I heard on the news today that a famous clothing catalog featured an ad of a mother painting her young son's toenails a bright shade of pink.
I don't think that's cute.
At all.
Whereas I don't advocate disciplining a child for showing interest in another gender's activities or apparel, there is no need to encourage or even support this type of behavior in small children. When my son walked out of my closet in my shoes, he was disciplined, not for being a little boy in women's shoes but for making a mess of my shoes and strewing them all about the house. There's a difference. When he asks me if something is "for boys" or "for girls", I answer clearly. My daughter also asks the same questions. My son has watched me painting my toes before and asked if he could paint his. After saying, "No", that was the end of it.
I do realize that there are some children who this answer will not satisfy. There are little boys who want to wear girls clothing and BE little girls, not just imitate what appears to be interesting and fun for one sibling and not the other.
As a single mom, I don't harp on my son about being a "little man" or exhibiting masculine characteristics. He's doing that quite well on his own. My job is to be a guide and that's what I do. When he plays with his sister and picks up her doll, I don't freak out. She's his only playmate. I don't freak out when she zooms through the house with one of his toy cars. When he puts on my shoes, I ask him calmly to remove them. I don't lecture him about why it's wrong for little boys to wear women's shoes. He's five and I doubt he'd rake good notes anyway.  I just stand my ground and do my job as mommy. For him, all he needs to know at this point is that mommy says yes or no to certain things and his little life goes on and he finds something else to do.
What gets me is when men who put the "single" in single mom and were the creators of the uber-degrading title "babymama" are often the biggest critics of how women raise their sons. EXCUSE ME?! That I don't get. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to actually DO your job than to sit up and criticize someone forced to fill in for you?
And let's face it. If it did not take the contribution of both parents to ultimately raise a balanced human being, God would have never structured it that way. We'd lay eggs in the sand, cover them and walk away. lol!
It can be scary to think that the burden of establishing a male child's gender identification rests solely on your shoulders as a mom but fear is not from God. He has given us the grace to make it this far. Certainly, with His counsel and wisdom, it is possible for a woman to raise a responsibly masculine man.
There's so much more to the makings of a man than how big his trucks are and how far he can pee and spit.
Character and integrity are the foundation of strong men. That's something that both parents can and should contribute to.
So yea, it may be a bad idea to paint your son's toes and show him how to apply lip gloss, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting him explore and guide him. It's my job to show my children the path. It will one day be their choice to decide whether or not they will continue their journey on it.

Lord of the Mundane

I'll be the first to admit that I battle the war between being more than I am and being the best at what I am right now. Most of us with any bit of sense want to be more and achieve more before we hear the Lord say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant".
Most of us want to make a difference.
Most of us want to leave some sort of legacy behind.
Most of us want to be a constant source of inspiration to our children, and not just a constant reminder of what not to do with your life.
Since I began writing this diary, I've discovered that most mothers (single or married) face the same challenges and insecurities. There's very little that separates us. Sure, we each peer into each others' lives from a distance, believing each possesses something more valuable than the other but lets face it...
We're all relatively mundane.
There's nothing all that glamorous about washing, folding and ironing the one millionth load of laundry on a weekly basis. Nothing particularly noteworthy about learning how to steer an SUV with one hand and re-buckle a car seat with another. Oh yea, and let's not forget that new chicken recipe you discovered online that was a hit with the entire house.
Yay.
Truth of the matter is that most of us become frustrated because there is nothing particularly big going on in our daily lives!
We get up, we brush 3-4 sets of teeth, make lunches. make beds, push a vacuum, sit behind a desk, roar up and down the highway to soccer games and rehearsals, and find new ways to dress up chicken thighs. That's what mommies do.
And doesn't that just sound exciting?!
It scares most of us to think that our eulogy will contain a few dry jokes about our quick wit and maybe even a tribute to our famous chicken recipe. Okay, okay.. .enough about the chicken I know! But how many mommies are like me and rely on this bird to keep us out of starvation?! You get my point.
We turn on the tv and things go downhill from there. Nothing but success story after success story. "I started a multi million dollar cupcake business right from my studio apartment!" "I just won $335 million dollars after 30 years of constant gambling on the lottery!" "My philanthropic work in the slums of India has earned me a humanitarian award and 1 million followers on twitter!"
The list goes on.
And we bury our heads in laundry, bills, and sippy cups, feeling a little less motivated to face the world.

Where is God in all of this monotony?

It's no secret that I love the bible. That passion was ignited in part by my father but lets face it; the average child isn't thrilled to sit for hours listening to Alexander Scourby read the Old Testament on audio tape! There was something within me that loved the Word of God from an early age. Maybe it was the vivid stories and larger than life subjects that drew me in. I'm not sure what it was initially, but to this day, I still love the Word of God... in most versions.
But I've got to be honest (which I try very hard to do in this diary): it has always been very difficult for me to believe that the bible stories were real. It's not that I don't believe the Word is truth. It's just that I always considered the men and women of the bible to be on a level so far removed from average that I should never expect to experience God in any way close to what they did. Who strolls up to a 10 ft giant at the age of 17 and confidently says, "I'm going to kill you and take your head off...TODAY"? WHO DOES THAT?! lol!
And who says, "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! The enemy that you see today shall be no more", and THEN proceeds to part an entire sea?! WHO DOES THAT?!
So please bear with me. I love the bible. I love the Word. I believe every word to be true.
I've just had a hard time relating to those in the bible as "average".
Maybe that's in part because few preachers in my lifetime ever presented those same individuals as real. I understand that those who recorded the acts of God and the testimony of the saints were more concerned with documenting the awesome power of God. But I believe the church of TODAY needs to turn that documentation into something that can be believed. Rarely does anyone take a text and say, "How do you think that felt?" Because of that disconnect, I believe that many of us (myself included) have found the bible to be not much more than a storybook.
However, it is so much more.
It is a totally different experience reading the bible at 33 years of age than it was as a 7 yr old or even a 20 year old. I have a lot more life under my belt and a lot more colors to paint with on my palette. What I see now when I read the Word of God is not just a tribute to heroes and heroins. What I see now is how God time and time again, interrupted the mundane routine of average men and women and propelled them head first into their destinies.
We see the ascension of King David to power. But we don't fully appreciate the over 20 year gap between his being anointed as King and his actual ascension to that throne. The bible is full of hidden truths and those truths can be unearthed by those willing to dig.
The superheros in the bible we read were not overnight successes. Often they went years, even DECADES before God spoke to them and before anything He ever promised manifested.
DECADES.
So while you're crying into your cup of Starbucks or freshly fluffed and folded laundry, chew on that little revelation.
Not to long ago, while contemplating my life, the Holy Spirit whispered something to me. It's tough reading timelines and facebook statuses sometimes. We can be real here! Folks appear to be doing so much, and excelling so far. And there you are, little ol mundane YOU. I've never been to Spain or France. I've never left the East Coast. Never been on a plane. I'm literally proud of myself for being able to handle Atlanta traffic alone. I know people who would NEVER drive in Atlanta. Seriously.
I'm not making any major moves, nothing particularly exciting going on in my world; Just toys, juice pouches, temper tantrums, laundry, crayon marks on white walls and an SUV motoring up and down the same stretch of 3.5 miles a day.
But God spoke to me and told me, "I am the Lord of the Mundane".
That means that He doesn't need or require me to make something happen. Just because I am faithfully attending to what appears to be mundane and insignificant does not mean that I will escape His plan and purpose for my life. I don't have to be a mountain climber to one day find myself on a summit.
That's His job.
The impossible belongs to Him.
The mundane belongs to me.
As long as I do what He's given me to do faithfully, He will make sure that every blessing He's guaranteed will overtake me.
In order for something to overtake me, it has to know where I am. The blessing knows when I'll be at Wal-Mart, on my way to get gas, buying clothes at Target or stopping by Staples for office supplies.
He doesn't need a big event to create one in my life.
He is Lord of the Mundane.
In DUE SEASON, we all shall reap.
Plug up that vacuum cleaner, set the wash cycle, make those lunches and head on into the office. Whatever it is that you do, I hope this helps you to do it with a little more strength and a little more encouragement. As heroic and successful as the men and women in the bible are, they didn't start out that way. Somewhere, while attending to their mundane affairs, God met them and changed their destinies.
You will be more if you'll be faithful.
He's Lord of everything, including your mundane life.

Venting, venting, venting....

Ok, so this is going to be a bit of a venting session. I call this a "diary" although most of the time, my aim is to be inspirational in my approach and share small nuggets of wisdom and knowledge here and there. But let's face it. It's way more interesting to know and hear that I'm a real woman that goes through the same ish as everyone else, trying to dodge the same potholes and set backs in life.
So today, I'm frustrated.
It's been nearly 8 months since my children's father and I called it quits. Well, let tell the truth: I called it quits. He may not have been the happiest man on the planet but what we had going at the time certainly didn't seem broke to him so he wasn't interested in fixing anything. After coming home from a miraculously powerful three night service in NC, my life was changed and my spiritual man awakened. All I knew was that my life was going to be different and the presence of the Lord was what I wanted and NEEDED. That meant that everything in my life that didn't appear "godly", including the relationship my children's father and I were in, had to end.
I'll be even more honest here. There was no letting him down easy. There was no "dear John" letter. I basically came back home after being gone for 4 days, ignored him for 2 weeks, and over lunch one day, I announced to him that not only was our relationship over, but that I was leaving the state within a year's time.

Boom.

And honestly, I didn't regret doing so because after all I'd endured in this relationship, it felt good to lower the boom and let him know that I FINALLY didn't feel like I had to tolerate his actions any longer. I was done. I was leaving. WE were leaving it all behind. I didn't deserve to be hurt the way I was and I didn't deserve to stay another day in what I felt was an under performing relationship. He didn't meet the criteria of the mystery "good man" and he certainly wasn't about to start attending church every Sunday and speaking in tongues just because I came home from a three day revival with a made-up mind to serve the Lord! So in my mind, the most logical thing to do would be to end our relationship instead of taking each other through the dreaded, but familiar "unequally yoked" scenario.
It wasn't until a few months later that I actually learned that the man I loved was actually hurt by my actions.
How could a "God thing" hurt someone that I cared so deeply for? I did the right thing by cutting him loose, right? RIGHT??
Hmm.
And that leads me to today.
Somehow or another, after months of virtual silence, he and I began talking again. At first it was strained and limited only to terse conversations about the well being of the children. But gradually, the conversations made their way back to familiar territory: "I'm having a craaazy day at work today!", or "Do you want to meet up for lunch?"
Let me again be honest. I never really wanted our relationship to end, but I did want it to CHANGE. I just came to the realization that I couldn't change anyone and rather than to argue and battle, women were supposed to leave. Right? RIGHT??
If it doesn't make you happy or make you smile something close to ALL the time, then you pack up and cut your losses, right? RIGHT??
After all, who wants to go another round on the familiar heartbreak carousel? Who wants to give a man another chance to hurt you?
Hmm.
Well, last weekend was fantastic. We had what I thought was great family time. We got along, we laughed, appeared to have enjoyed one another's company and he even had a whole day and a half to himself with the children alone. But that 8-9 hrs that he spent with me appears to be the issue. Let me just be really real here. Part of my problem (or insecurity) now is that he's tolerating my presence just for the sake of our children and to facilitate a drama-free interaction with them. By drama-free, he means at least getting some pleasant conversation out of me and feeling like we're friends. There's only one problem...
I don't do friendships after break up's.
I can be polite, I can be cordial. I may even ask u how you're doing.
But if we're not in a relationship, the chit chat comes to an END. BYE.
The last time we discussed our relationship "status" I was told "we're taking it one day at a time". When I was 23, that may have inspired hope in my heart. At 33, that screams, "SERIOUSLY?! We are too old to be acting like we're still test driving this thing!"
I'm also a bit annoyed by the fact that I feel like I'm on trial and if I don't perform at optimum level each time we interact, then I'll be disqualified from the competition. Boy, bye.
I'm the mother of your two children. We've known each other for 6 years.
Make a decision!
So basically, I'm venting to my blog so as not to throw about three, strongly articulated word grenades over his fence and blast him into the middle of next week! UGH!
I hate feeling like I'm on trial and being kept under observation. At the end of this trial period, I may be deemed worthy of a committed relationship.
Naw.
Not interested.
So I'm sitting here an emotional thunderstorm waiting for the heat of it all to pass.
I'll be back right in a few hours. I don't have a choice. I have far bigger fish to fry. When you're the mother of two, observant children, the last thing you want to do is have your children watch you take a swim in an above ground sizes pool of Ben & Jerry's. Gotta pull it together!
I'm trying to keep my words few to him through this. I'm sure he has his reasons for doing things the way that he does and my struggle is to try to maintain respect for his ways and opinions that so differ from mine. UGH.
But that's what growing up is all about and truthfully, that's what being in love involves. It's not easy being in a relationship and even harder to maintain one.
Too bad it isn't as lovely and glamourous as its made out to be.
Maybe that's why so many people quit at love.
I'm not saying that I'm quitting but I'm definitely taking a time-out. lol!
It's too MUUUUuuch!

Where It All Began:Part 1

"The part of me that is angry is because I wanted to be loved so badly that I left common sense and good judgement at the door."

That was 2005.
A lot can happen in six years.
A lot HAS happened in six years.

First, I want to start by saying that motherhood was never something I pursued. Sure, in theory I wanted to be a mother some day. I also wanted the rich, church going husband who whisked me away to his mansion and gave me one of his matching Mercedes to drive.
That would have been nice.
But the motherhood thing? Six years ago, it wasn't even on my radar.
What was on my radar was trying to find someone to love me.
The father of my children was not my first relationship. Before him there was an 8 year relationship which turned into an engagement its final year. There's not enough time to discuss where that relationship went wrong, but the sole reason it even began in the first place was because of my pursuit of a man's love.
I needed it so badly and felt like I couldn't function without it. It became addictive, a sedative. It calmed me down for a moment, but soon had me roaming the streets looking for my next fix. I drove for miles looking for it. I allowed questionable characters to be taken into my confidence and sometimes, into my bed, looking for it.
When the 8 year relationship ended in 2004, I went looking again. This time, I found a man I didn't even like. That wasn't anything new. I'd met several men who didn't impress me at first sight and this one wasn't an exception. He was somewhat tall (about 6'1"), brown skinned, wore jeans, a throwback jersey and a ball cap cocked to the side. I was not impressed.
I was introduced to him by my hair stylist and wanting some attention and affection, I decided to give him a call and he immediately asked to come see me. He came over and the conversation was unremarkable. He looked like a walking stereotype. I immediately judged him.
He wasn't on my level.

Several months passed after our initial meeting in 2004. By February of 2005, we reconnected. One evening he came over to my place to hang out. He sat on my sofa as he usually did and I sat across from him on the chaise. After several minutes passed, he removed the ball cap allowing me to finally get a good look at his face and his eyes. There was something about his face that immediately struck me.
I knew then I wanted him.
And back in the day, Melissa usually got what and who she wanted.
We continued our physical relationship for several months and although I was not 100 percent content, I was willing to tolerate his inconsistent behavior because after all, he was a nice change of scenery. But the more he came around, the more I felt myself getting attached to him. I decided that the next time we met, I would end things.
But before I got the chance, there was some news the both of us would have to learn...
I was pregnant.
The next year was hell. I say that because I was already an emotional wreck before getting pregnant but combined with hormonal changes, it became worse. I was used to feeling depressed but it deepened. I was used to feeling alone because I had been living on my own for several years. But it became even worse.
I didn't know how I ended up here.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I wanted to be loved.

I was too old to be pregnant and unloved. I was 27 yrs old when I found out I was pregnant.  This sort of thing happened to teenagers, right?
What I soon discovered was that although my physical age was 27, my emotional age was far, far younger.
I needed to grow up and someone was about to be born who could help me do just that.

When I began this journey and this calling of motherhood, I felt beyond ill-prepared. I felt as if being pregnant  was a consequence to own and live with. I wasn't capable then of seeing the hand of God in it all. I knew God was involved because He began speaking to me in dreams more than I'd ever had in my entire life. He told me I was having a son. He told me to name him "Matthew" which means "gift of God". But even with all of these confirmations, I still didn't put the pieces together.
I still couldn't see God in it all.
I couldn't see the "gift".
All I saw was that I wanted a man to love me but ended up with a baby. Not only was I about to be a mother, I was about to do it alone. I was about to be a "baby mama", a statistic. I didn't even have time to care about the ramifications of my actions against the backdrop of my Pentecostal Holiness upbringing nor my father's position as an Elder. All I knew was that I had to face what I'd done and I would.
I wish that I could say that I embraced motherhood with enthusiasm and selflessness as every parent should, but I didn't. I spend a great deal of time mourning, complaining, and weeping for the love I wanted but never got. I mourned for the fantasy man in the music video who would shower me with gifts and affection that never came. And I mourned for the life I was told I should have and deserved to have but didn't.
I was a baby mama now. How delightfully humbling.

But six years later...
My life looks nothing like it did then.
Not only am I the mother of Matthew, I went on to have another child with the man in the throwback jersey and cocked-to-the-side ball cap, our beautiful daughter, Caitlyn.
We tried to make a household work early on. He ended the relationship with another woman he was with shortly before Matthew was born. A year after Matthew was born, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. We lived together off and on up until 2010. We tried to be a family.
We've cussed, fussed, fought and cried our way through the last 6 years. It wasn't until we ended our romantic involvement for a season that we both had a chance and opportunity to reevaluate our lives and our roles as parents. Quite honestly, I fell right into the "single mom" stride and didn't look back. I worked full time, picked up a part-time gig, paid bills, made doctor appointments, established bedtimes and routines. I did it all.
And I used our children to build a wall between myself and their father.

It's not like he made it easy to forgive him for his wrongs. It's not like he was consistent or even responsible.
But what I learned last year and this year was that forgiveness is a gift and opens up new possibilities.
I could either let the darkness of our past continue to blanket all of our lives (our innocent children included) or I could let it go, forgive him for not being the man I wanted him to be and allow him to be the man he was.
I had a choice to make.
Grudge or Glory?
I also realized that the greatest motivation for change in my life was our two children. Although he wasn't doing a very good job of trying to actively participate in their lives, I also wasn't doing a very good job with my attitude of allowing him to be a part of it. I didn't want him to be a part of it at first. If he didn't want me, WE didn't want him.
And that's where I was wrong.
I didn't want my children shuttled between two households. I wanted the picture perfect family with mommy in an apron and daddy in a smoking jacket, all under one roof. I wanted what I wanted and as I said before, Melissa usually got what she wanted.
But one thing about true love of any kind that I was soon to learn was that love that doesn't leave its recipient better than when they first got there isn't love at all. Real love has transforming power.

If the love you show doesn't transform anyone for the better, it's probably a lovely form of selfishness.
My love for my children was selfish.
My love for the father was selfish also.

I think a light bulb went off in my head and Marc's head once we realized that our son turns 5 in just a couple of weeks. Maybe it's the realization that we now have a child who will one day be a man and as the oldest, be responsible for his sister and possibly for major decisions regarding our health and property. Maybe it was the realization that our 5 year old child has a super good memory and with that in mind, we want to plant good things on it. Maybe it was my realization that this year, he starts kindergarten and as we release him to the world, there is nothing like the comfort of a superhero father who will protect and defend you from all wrongs that you may face.
Maybe it was my realizing that the love of God that I professed to have was not being shown to the man whose children I bore. What good was it to claim to be a believer when I treated him like scum?
And maybe we both just grew up a little in six years.
Whatever it was, something clicked this year and I'm thankful it did.
This birthday will be different for Matthew.
Sure, his father and I have a long way to go in communicating effectively and respectfully. We do not live together. We're not engaged. When pressed for a relationship status, the best he can offer to me is "we're taking it one day at a time". But what's different is that we're back at the table, trying to work together, communicate and do this parenting thing together. I don't care how strong we claim to be ladies... there's NOTHING like having some help from a man.
I'm thankful for the help that Marc is now able to provide. Five years ago, I made a decision not to put him up on child support. There were many days I thought I regretted that decision. I know many of my friends disagreed with it. But I knew in my heart and still do that he is capable of stepping up to the challenge of fatherhood. I'm thankful that he does contribute each pay period to their care without a court order. I am thankful that he wants to take them each weekend to spend time with him. I'm thankful that my heart is open now to allowing him to do it.
I'm thankful that despite our dramatic past, we were both able to forgive each other and move forward. I'm thankful that we're learning the value of mutual respect so that our son and daughter can see it modeled before them. I'm thankful that my children have two parents who love and adore them just for being on the planet.
Six years ago, Marc was every curse word I could muster. He was so far beneath me and my fantasy filled expectations. Today, he is the recipient of my love which flows from my heart because it was placed there by God. I'm thankful I can look at him through eyes of compassion, not fault finding. I'm thankful that when he makes a mistake, I see the intent and not only the action. I'm thankful for a second chance by him to prove that I can love as Christ loves and let my light shine.
I'm thankful that he's the father of my children.
I'm thankful that he's trying to be a better man.
I'm thankful that he wasn't a "walking stereotype" and proved my judgements wrong.
I'm thankful that despite his shortcomings, he never stopped trying to be a father to his children.
When our son Matthew and daughter Caitlyn look to us, I'm thankful that they will see two parents who are fully committed to them and their well being.
I'm thankful that today, the man with the cocked-to-the-side ball cap now has a name, Marcus, my respect,  and a place in my heart and family.

The Laboratory Called Love

I knew there was a reason  I didn't care for the math and sciences in school! There is a part of brain that resists absolutes. Math and science frown upon things that change too much. In algebra, it's called a variable. That gets a symbol.

The constant of an equation, now that gets a numerical value! 

At this point in my life and after talking with a few women who can relate to the up's and down's of love, one thing we can all agree on while trying to put our heads together and solve our relationship problems is this:

Men are the constants and we are the variables.

Good luck getting a man to go to church who isn't already predisposed to doing so. Good luck getting him to agree and GO to counseling. Good luck getting him to understand and apply the knowledge of how to be more "understanding, considerate and affectionate". 

GOOD LUCK! lol!

So that leaves the variable in the equation, us women folk, left trying to adapt, alter and often change our value to "make it work". We already know we'll never solve the problem if we never come up with a value to assign to the variable, even if it's just a symbol.

So many women are TIRED of having to be the one to change for the greater good of the relationship.

"How To Love His Family and Deal with His Moma's Boy Ways"

"How To Spice Up The Romance; Four Inch Heels Required"

"How To Stop Nagging"

"How To Be a Better Competitor in the Race For Your Man's Heart & Attention"

"How To Blend Into The Background So As Not To Disturb Your Man"

"How To Get The Ring He Should Have Given You Two Years Ago"

"How To Keep Yourself Up So As Not To Appear Like A Human Being With Flaws To Your Man"

This may be a bit of an exaggeration and it is purposefully so. But when we read the self help books geared toward relationship advise, they might as well scream these things to us. 

Back in the day, I thought love was all about chemistry.

How does he make me feel? Does he bring passion, desire and heat to the mix? Oh yea! That's a keeper. lol! But the older I got, the more I realized that physical chemistry was just a small fraction of the equation called love.

I'm going to be very honest here and admit that I haven't always felt that the bible was on a woman's side. Let's face it: harlots, widows, and adulteresses come to mind immediately when we think of biblical women. Bathsheba. Delilah. Rahab. Hagar. 

That's quite an impressive line up! lol! More specifically, the whole story of creation was hard for me to reconcile. I didn't understand how God could declare first "it's not God that man should be alone. I will make him an help meet suitable for him" in one verse, and in the next, present Adam with a line up of animals.

Huh?

But the answer is in that same verse:  

"And out of the ground the Lord God formed every [wild] beast and living creature of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and whatever Adam called every living creature, that was its name".

God was testing Adam. Any of the creatures that God created could have been chosen by Adam as a companion. However, Adam called, or as I like to say, "assigned" each living creature its name after his close examination and observation of it. Once God saw that Adam had wisely assigned living creatures for each other but for himself he did not choose a living creature, God trusted him with a new creation: Eve. Let me just throw this in for FREE: Whenever you refuse something that does not fit your life, you then give God permission to create a NEW THING for you! 

Adam had to understand and know HIMSELF before he could recognize his own help! Women will never be treated well by a man who has not discovered what exactly it is that he needs and what's missing from his life. Had Adam misnamed a single creature, I do not believe God would have released Eve to him. Proverbs declares, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord." That word "findeth" in the Hebrew means "to acquire, to find out" and "to detect". Not every man can detect who his wife is. He may choose the pretty face or the alluring speech. But the BIBLE says a man who detects a WIFE detects a good thing. There is FAVOUR connected to the position of wife. Girlfriend is NOT a position of favour. Mistress is not a position of  favour.  I am not a girlfriend. I am not a mistress. Women who allow their men to continue in relationships with them apart from giving them the honor of WIFE are being disrespected. No wife has to argue in the streets with a mistress. No wife has to beg a judge to legitimize her relationship with a man. The position has honor on earth and FAVOUR from heaven. 

So God is very much concerned about women. It wasn't until Adam demonstrated a keen sense of discernment and understanding of his own strengths, weaknesses and needs that God custom made a helper for Him based on what Adam spoke about everything else God made. Women weren't made by mistake and unlike any other creature that God made, women were specifically designed by God for men; not for anything else. That's why when a man correctly discerns the gift that rests in a woman, he unlocks favour from God and blessing into his own life. 

Oh Death...

I've spent since February 14 battling three major illnesses in my house: RSV, influenza and bronchitis.
I've had a chance to reflect during this time and one thing I am so certain of is that there are some things in life that money just can't buy but time makes an acceptable method of payment. I'm no stranger to sacrificing for the sake of my children and I'm not one of those mothers who spends a lot of time bemoaning those sacrifices. There will be no songs penned along the lines of Pastor Shirley Caesar's "No Charge" over here. It's all par for the course. But I will say that decisions that I'm now having to make as the mother of two preschoolers are changing.
While spending these past few weeks nursing my children back to health, I've had the pleasure of observing my them more closely and hearing their thoughts. One of the hardest subjects that came up recently was death. How in the WORLD do you articulate the meaning of death to a 3 & 4 year old respectively? And quite frankly, who wants to? Who wants to see the joy leave their eyes as you try to explain that someone closes their eyes, stops moving, goes away, and you don't see or talk to them anymore?
What a terrible, ugly, painful thing to have to explain for the first time to children.

I hate it.

I was six years old when she passed away. I can vaguely remember my parents recounting the events to me. Something about she went downstairs during bible study... she collapsed. She wouldn't be coming back. She died. I remember going to school and telling my teacher that she passed away. I can remember staring out my school bus window looking out into a world that looked and felt gray. I felt a pain that was foreign to me. Someone I loved had died.
I remember my mama coming into the room that my sister and I shared, trying to comfort us. She explained to me that "Sister Choice", as we called her, was sleeping in paradise. I can remember imagining her dressed in white, laying in the midst of a field of endless flowers, asleep...peaceful...resting. And I can remember going to the funeral home and seeing faces that had always smiled at me before, weeping, tear stained... in pain. I remember seeing her in her casket from a distance. My mama asked me did I want to see her. I couldn't go look. I didn't want to. This foreign pain was too much. The woman I loved was suddenly a source of fear to me. I wanted to get away from her lifeless body...but I wanted her to come back. I can remember the first Sunday after her funeral, sitting on her pew.. left hand side of the church, second pew. Every time the door opened, I turned and looked back, waiting for her to come. I looked in the choir stand at more tear stained faces. I can remember sitting in her seat, somehow comforted by the familiarity of being where she once sat. I don't remember when it finally dawned on me that she wouldn't come back. She wouldn't hold me anymore and give me candy. She wouldn't be there to comfort me when I cried and let me lay on her lap all service long. She was asleep on a bed of flowers in paradise. She was ok, sleeping.
Fast forward 27 yrs later and I find myself having to explain death to two delightfully beautiful children who I don't want to hurt or ever see cry in sorrow.
But sorrow is what this world is full of.
It will come.
I know they don't quite understand it all but just the simple fact that they wanted to know what death meant and listened intently as I tried to explain it in the simplest of terms was bad enough.

I'm so glad I know Jesus!

If it wasn't for the hope of the Gospel, this life really would be worthless and without meaning. When you think about all the precious people we've lost and will lose over our lifetimes, how would we ever survive or gather the strength to face another day with not only hope but JOY if it wasn't for the Gospel of Jesus Christ?I look forward to the day when I can explain to them that because of Jesus Christ, the sting of death has been removed and when it's mommy's time to go, they need not worry or fear. The same God whose presence I will stand before will comfort and guide them as He guided me. That right there brings so much joy to me.

He didn't leave us comfortless!

There will be many more tough topics for me to tackle, This is only the beginning.
But the blessed assurance that I have is that the same God who comforted and 6 yr old little girl through her first loss is the SAME God who will meet the now 33 yr old woman and her two children and carry them through whatever comes.
If Sis. Edith could see me now, I believe that she would smile first at how tall I am, and of course, admire all of my minor accomplishments in life. But most of all, she would rejoice to know that the God that she served became my Savior just one year after her death and He still is. She would be thankful that I held on through my doubts, fears and failures and trusted the God she worshipped. Though I only had her in my life for 6 years, she would be delighted to see that the love she sowed grew and the mother I am today is in large part because of the motherly love she deposited into me: the patience, compassion, respect and grace. It didn't fall on deaf little ears but it took root and I'm the woman that I am today because of her great legacy of love. If she were here today, she would tell me to keep going, even when it gets hard. Hold to God's unchanging hand.
He holds our world in His hands...
And He won't let go,

All These New Relationship Gurus: I'm Just Sayin!

 They appear to be everywhere now. The best sellers lists, media and magazines are buzzing with once playas turned relationship gurus dishing out advice like scoops of ice cream on a hot summer day. We all know who they (HE!!) are so there's no need for me to name drop. But I do have an opinion that I don't mind sharing.
First of all, when you take it upon yourself to give advice on a large scale, you also open yourself up to closer examination. Folks want to know, and rightly so, what qualifies you to share what you know. Show us your credentials.  And what can I say about these men who because they so love women are being so selfless and writing books and making millions? It is for our benefit after all that they toil over a cocktail and cigar while dictating their wisdom to a professional writer.
Yea, I'm being just a tad bit sarcastic. lol!
But what's really getting to me? Do I care about someone writing a book and making a profit?
No.
What's getting me is that a certain generation of men appear to have taken leave of their senses and left broken homes and lives in their wake. And as a way of somehow attempting to make up for their decades of selfishness, they attempt to show the world how they're now "getting it right" with the new wife, the new kids, and the new family...and squeeze in a few book tours to boot.

Hmm.

But wouldn't it be a greater testament to a man's character and integrity to build back what he tore down and write about that process?
It's not so much that they left but that now that they're gone, they are on a campaign to vindicate themselves while holding up the "new life" as the gold standard by which all should measure their success.
Really? Seriously?
So many women and children are insulted. So many families are broken because so many men refuse to clean up what they mess up WHERE they messed it up.

I saw a young girl on The Dr. Phil show, only 15 yrs old who had already gotten pregnant and miscarried because her father literally abandoned her after the divorce and his remarriage. When she did go to visit him and his new wife, she was immediately made aware of the fact that she was a unwelcome consequence of her father's past and he even went so far as to say he would terminate his parental rights due to the strain on his new family and his daughter's out-of-control behavior. He saw an "ungrateful little b*tch". I saw a little girl screaming at her daddy to come back.   I also saw a 15 yr old young lady who was offended by her father's ability to treat her like the old sofa that no longer matched the new furniture.
Am I saying that men should not divorce and remarry? No, and even if I did, what would that change? lol! But I am saying that it's not a testimony of any man's strength of character and integrity to move on from a mess he contributed to and then tout that his new relationship is somehow the blueprint of success. I think that's the overwhelming vibe a lot of women are feeling as we sit and read the works of these gurus and experts.
You're happy now. Great.
And who paid the bill for your newly purchased happiness?

Don't kid yourselves women. You're always a saint until you become the Ex. And that goes back to the competitive nature of relationships that I've observed. Why does each new relationship have to be compared against the previous one? Why do some men feel the need to prove the new spouse is "better" than the previous one? At some point, we all have to concede that 10 exes had one common denominator and that was YOU.
What I believe our society needs is a resurgence of men who aren't cowards but look their mistakes in the face and FIX them. If you cheated on your woman and abandoned her and your children, go back to the scene of the crime and make it right. So what she doesn't immediately believe your sincerity?! So what she's angry and hostile for what seems like eternity?! Most women know and assume that a man's behavior towards her has a time limited & time frame. "I tried to show her I was sorry but nothing changed so I'm out". And guess what? Nobody understands this mentality better than a woman. We were left alone to face the questioning of Almighty God in the Garden after the infamous "the woman u gave me" cop out, it comes as no real shock to us when a man refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and predicates his righteousness on a woman's actions. Every woman who has ever loved a man has at some point questioned the motive behind that man's good deeds. Is he doing right for right's sake or for what right will profit him? Until real men can stare their own consequences in the face and deal with them, our families will always face challenges. Get over your need for instant gratification. That's what got you into the mess in the first place! What does it say to a child, a woman, and family when a man comes back and says "I know I messed up and I know it won't be easy to fix but I'm here to build".
I'll tell you what it says...

YOU'RE WORTH IT!

No wonder so many (myself included) battle with issues of self worth. Who told us and showed us that we were worth the effort? Which parent? Which ex boyfriend? Which ex husband? Which spiritual leader?
Who showed us we were worth fighting for?
And who left?

I have way more respect for a man who comes back and rebuilds the home he helped to tear down than the man who runs and hides in another one.

That's a book I'll read and recommend.

The Love, The Game...

If love is a game then men and women often find themselves on opposing teams. Truth is I have felt in past relationships and my most recent one that the man in my life viewed me as his enemy at worst and his competition at best. In the case of my children's father, there's an invisible score board and shot clock between us. "Buying the kids expensive Christmas gifts"...lay up. "Offering to take them on the weekends"... two point jumper. "Being the custodial parent"... three pointer.
Truth is I don't want love to be a game and I don't want to score points for being the woman and the mother I thought I was supposed to be.
Likewise, I'm tired of him feeling like the game is over because he can't make the free throws of expensive gifts and stability.

Why are we competing anyway?

Who told us that our children's love and affection was a prize instead of blessing? Since the love of a child is unconditional by nature anyway, who told us it was something we had to compete for? I don't need an elbow to the face every Christmas time when he's able to buy more gifts than me and I certainly don't feel like committing a technical foul against him just because I take time off work to nurse a sick child. Can't we all just grow up and can't we all just get over ourselves?
Communication has always been poor between my children's father and I and for all my elloquence of speech, I've never been able to find a way to convey my true heart and intentions to him. Somehow or another, my intentions get lost in translation and all that gets processed are words like "snob", "controlling" and "hypocrite". I may be tough but words run deep with me. I'm a wordsmith so when someone chooses certain adjectives and directs them at me, I don't simply brush them aside as meaningless. What would cause a person to say or assume these things about me?
One things for sure. I am not intentionally raising my two children without the help of their father. I didn't sign up to do it alone but that's exactly where I've found myself. However, when you find yourself being the responsible person in the relationship, be prepared to also be labeled as the controlling one. You're the bad guy who prefers paid rent over new gadgets and toys. You suck all the fun out of pay days with your incessant need to be fiscally responsible and studious. God forbid you blow at least one paycheck on something fun and then spend the next week pushing the panic button, trying to figure out how to make ends meet. You make men feel like a child with your always correcting words like, "Maybe we should try to put something back for gas or not spend so much here and put the extra money there". You are a mature adult and that unfortunately makes you an opponent.
Love is not a game to me. Is it complicated? Intricate? Demanding? Commanding? Yes, it is. But one thing it is not is a competition. I don't love my children to spite their father. I love them because they have been given to me by God to love and nurture. I thought when I became a mother that I was supposed to be one and that included making them of a high priority and making sure that they were raised in the most loving and safe environment possible. That's what I thought. But somewhere along the line, it became a game to their father and I.

I don't want to play anymore.

Tax Time: The Folly Foolishness

The bible clearly tells us that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. However, no time of year seems to drive this point home better than TAX TIME!!! OMG!
Single moms know what I'm talking about here.
First of all, let me be frank and honest. We know that there are those among us in our society who take advantage of the system. We also know that these people make out like masked bank robbers come tax time. How do they do this? Well, those who do not work all year lend out their children's social security numbers to those who do work and strike side deals in the process. For example, some will say, "if I let you claim my kids, you can hold this much and I'll take that much". So ultimately, the person who doesn't work and the person that is claiming children they NEVER raised and sometimes doesn't even KNOW walk away with a little change.
But you also have the scenario of the baby daddies who were virtual ghosts all year long who suddenly have these "come to Jesus" moments somewhere around New Years, has found a new sense of commitment to family and children and a major expense around $1000 that must be taken care of immediately, or as soon as your refund check clears.

These both would qualify as FOLLY FOOLISHNESS!
This is a term my sister and I coined because sometimes, folly or foolishness alone just don't give all the necessary emphasis. It's sort of like another word that I coined called "monkeydom". Monkeydom is the behavior that some people display that resembles that of PRIMATES. It doesn't make good sense, it's reckless, it's irresponsible, it's destructive. It's MONKEYDOM. It's a state of being. lol!
Follyfoolishness and monkeydom are closely related in my opinion because both demonstrate a lack of GOOD SENSE!
I don't understand for the life of me how folks who do not take care of children expect to be able to claim them. I do not understand fathers who do not have custody of their children nor do they spend a significant amount of time with their children expect at tax time to somehow be given a "cut".
When this season is over and that will be SOON, I will be so glad.
Now, at the beginning of this motherhood thing, I got guilted right up on out of my refund checks. After all, I didn't know any better and the last thing I wanted to appear was wrong and somehow unfair. Hehe. That was then. At this point, after some real living, I couldn't care less about anyone's bad attitude and feelings of unfairness.
Sure, it irks me, but it doesn't move me to action. lol!
And another thing...
Grown folks who pay real bills and have real responsibilities breathing down their necks 7 days a week barely bat an eye at a refund check. I'll never forget the first time my tax preparer, Danny, "announced" the amount I was getting back from my two children. He said, "Are you sittin down?" and paused for emphasis. LOL! When he finally gave his imaginary drum roll and revealed the amount, I barely blinked. That was because I realized that the amount would barely cover daycare for a year and wasn't nearly enough to pay of any major bills. Yawn. On to the next issue please!
So no one will be happier than SISTER MELISSA to see the END of tax season. My desire now and from now on is to honor God in my living as well as my giving. Before tax time rolled around, I committed to tithing again. Now tithing isn't something I talk about much because at one point in my life, I stopped doing it and was against it. However, just live on a little while. If something is right and true and you LOVE what's right and what's true, even if you're wrong, God will bring it right on back to you and that's what He did for me in 2010. So after receiving a personal revelation on tithing... *pause* You see, you can preach the principle of tithing but until people get a personal revelation, they'll never do it or understand it. *push play* I decided to totally restructure the way I dealt with money in my household and the way I think about it. God comes first. I honor Him FIRST. And you know what? I'm not saying that everything was paid, the money tree in the backyard blossomed and I had money to scatter. But provision was ALWAYS there for me. My children always had food to eat, the car always had gas, and the lights stayed on. There were many days I didn't have two nickels to rub together in my pocket but the peace I found in knowing I honored God FIRST with my tithe gave me the assurance and CONFIDENCE to say, "God, I am honoring YOU FIRST. I need You to make a way for me and my children!" He's never failed me YET!
So, while folks are literally flippin out all around me over these refund checks, I'm just thankful to have the understanding that I do. I'm thankful that I realize now that behind the job, the car, the house and the groceries is the HAND OF GOD. Had He not given these things to me, I surely would not possess them. Everything is a gift that I am now appreciative of. The health and strength that I and my children have, the shelter, clothing, food and transportation are all blessings that I don't take for granted anymore. I could be putting my children to bed on a cot in a homeless shelter surrounded by strangers but every night, I tuck them in their own beds in their own rooms... as a single mom.
Aint God a good God?
And so I don't get testy or indignant when it comes to paying my tithes anymore. Why? Because I'm grateful and I realize that if it wasn't for God helping me through this life, I wouldn't have anything that I have and my children certainly wouldn't be living as they are under my care were it not for His grace.
So I'd like to encourage everyone who may read to just take the time to consider how this year, you can honor God for all that He's done for you. Maybe you were blessed with a better job this year and a nicer car to drive. Maybe you've FINALLY arrived at a place of peace after a long and difficult relationship. Maybe you're just thankful to have a positive bank balance, even if it says ZERO. Wherever you find yourself this year, how can you tell the Lord thank you? How can you demonstrate to Him with your words AND deeds that you do not take any blessing for granted?
That's something to think about besides who to claim and what to right off on your taxes. lol!

Shackin Up: Let's Go There

Source

Ooh, you know the saints is scurred to go here! lol! But I'm certainly not afraid of the murky topics that beset the modern day church of our Lord.
Let's go ahead and put it out there...
 Not only is the divorce rate high, but the rate of unmarried couples and cohabiting households has steadily increased.

I used to be one of them.

I'm not here to condemn but mainly to give my perspective based on my experience.

First, let me say that living with a man is certainly way different than living apart and maintaining a relationship. I can tell you that it's a whole lot harder to get over a rough patch when you have to stare the rough patch in the face every night and smell his morning breath. It's also very similar to a marriage. I happen to live in one of the handful of states that still recognizes common law marriages as legally binding. Thankfully, I nor my exes ever took the extra steps that would have solidified this type of union but sharing a house key was enough. When it came time to part ways, it felt eerily like a divorce.

In a way, cohabiting has become the new "wedding day".
Let me just give u my honest take on it...

• Cohabiting appears to be the easiest and most cost effective next step in a relationship. For starts, it gives a woman the false sense of progress and commitment, after all, they're sharing bills, beds, and closest space. He's giving up a degree of privacy and secrecy which he maintained while living apart and what woman, desperate for an upgrade to her current relationship's plan, wouldn't sign up for what appears to be a down payment on a marriage?

• Unfortunately, a lot of women find out the hard way that shackin up often becomes a curse instead of a blessing. In my case, my ex took an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude and saw shackin as a mutually fulfilling and adequate compromise that left the both of us holding most of what we wanted. But what I discovered was that he had ALL of what he wanted, not most. He had the comfort of home, the comfort of me, the assurance that I was all his, the appearance of a marriage without the responsibility of it. When it comes to marriage, I think most men view it as a cage, a trap, a bottomless pit of gloom and despair to be avoided at all cost and only surrendered to when he has less than 10 years left in his lifespan. Dramatic? Maybe. But for some women, reality.

•  Shackin isn't a solution or bridge that carries you over to marriage. It can be a pit that you struggle to pull your relationship out of. If finances are a problem singularly, they won't improve dually.  When two different spending habits meet under the same roof, rarely does that roof stay nailed down. Ask any two income household just how much easier two incomes makes their quality of life, particularly when deep seated financial management issues persist. Don't buy into the lie that shackin improves ones quality of life. Not so.
• Also, shackin is not a marriage. It feels like one, looks, smells and sometimes acts like one. But unless you're in a common law state, it is not a marriage and I would take a closer look at any man who would go right to the door of marriage but refuse to step on in. What is it, a fear of licenses? Make it official. Do not accept counterfeits and knock offs.

In my opinion, shackin is a BAD idea. I'm sure there are those who would disagree and who have gone on to enjoy delightfully successful (ok, was the word "delightfully" sprinkled with just a tad too much hate? lol!) marriages. You can almost always find a silver lining behind every dark cloud. But for the average lady like me with the average man, like the one I had, who was just a tad bit on the immature and non-committal side, shackin does us no huge favors.

I also found that living with the father of my children was not the healthiest decision for our children. We argued and fought a lot, mainly because as most men do, he wanted the reigns but I wasn't about to give the keys of the relationship to a reckless driver. The decision to go our separate ways as far as living arrangement was concerned was probably one of the most adult and responsible decisions we ever made. Once 9-1-1 is dialed, even once, it's time to rethink the decision.

Co-habiting couples and families cannot be denied or ignored. Unfortunately, they have largely been overlooked by the church. Too many saints are still on the fake and phony kick which believes that no one is breaking a commandment or committing a sin in God's house and if we simply overlook it, we won't have to deal with it. But as youth departments grow with children who have different last names than their mothers and fathers and pews swell with single parents, I'd say it's time to deal.

I don't have all the answers to what plagues us but I do know from experience that there is NOTHING that God cannot do nor that the Light of His Word cannot illuminate. There is a way out of the darkness. There is a way back to the right track. Ok, so I had two children before taking the stroll down the aisle. Does that disqualify me from the Kingdom? Absolutely not! Does that mean that once wrong, always wrong? Absolutely not! How do couples who find themselves in co-habitating arrangements get back into the will and purpose of God for them?

That's what needs to be discussed in pulpits. It's time to see the people who are in the pews and HELP them.

These are homes. There are children in the middle. Simply declaring, "leave him, leave her" does not fix what's broken. For those who aren't shacking, I'd strongly suggest they remain as they are. Sure, it makes good financial sense to share living expenses, but if marriage is your desire, don't fool yourself.

Whether you agree with co-habiting, shackin' or whatever you call it, the Church must open her eyes to the needs of these families. They are real. They exist. And they are growing.

The Church of our Lord must arise in the strength and wisdom of our Lord to address the needs of God's people and equip these families so that they too can be the recipients of the grace of God and advance the Kingdom of God.

Joy To The World!

What a wonderful time of year this is! It's Christmas time! This is the first Christmas that my children have been old enough to really enjoy the festivities of the holiday and this is the first year in a long time that I have too.
It's not that I went all out and spent a ton of money on them. Truth be told, I only spent $30. But I can't tell you how much joy was resident in my home before I spent the $30. It wasn't the number of gifts nor their cost; it was the fact that I could give my children a mommy filled with joy and peace. This is a mommy my children have never known.
I've always loved them but I haven't always had joy in doing so. I carried a lot of burdens for a very long time: unforgiveness, anger, pain, depression. I didn't have much hope. Sure, I had some hope because of them. But apart from them, I had very little hope for my own life. I was at a point in my life where I really didn't know why I was still here on this earth, apart from raising them.

And then He brought joy.

One of my favorite Christmas songs has always been "Oh Holy Night". This time, I really listened to the words and I must say, they've never rang so true within me: "Truly He taught us to love one another. His law is love and His gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother and in His Name all oppression shall cease". Talk about words coming ALIVE! I know what it feels like to be bound, oppressed and hopeless. I was a weary world rejoicing when Hope returned to my life!

It's a new day!

Thankfully this year, the childrens' father was able to give them a good Christmas materially. I am deeply appreciative because I know he gave out of love for them. I've never doubted his love for our children and that in itself is a blessing. I may wonder about his thoughts toward me but never his children. He loves them dearly and when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, he's always been there for them in one form or another. But even if he hadn't done a thing for them this year, we are RICH in blessings already! There's peace and joy in my home. Laughter fills each room. I smile more than I cry and if tears do come, there are more tears of joy than sadness.

He will be their light.

There's no greater gift that any parent can give their children than a parent that is full of the peace and joy of the Lord. That's important to remember as we stress ourselves over toys, wish lists and gift wrap. This year, my children have a mommy that's 100% present for them and not bound and distracted by pain, depression, burdens and unforgiveness.
May your joy be full and complete this year because of the gift of God in the person of Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Prayer Point: Lord, I ask that you would remember every heart burdened by the despair and depression that often attaches itself to this holiday season. May the Light of Your presence shine brightly all around us, chasing away the darkness of our oppression and burdens. May the radiance of Your glory penetrate every recess of our being. May the joy that announced Your coming over 2000 years ago be felt in our hearts this year. May we feel your love, joy and peace in a real and tangible way. Thank You for the gift of love. Thank you for so loving us that You gave Your only begotten Son so that today, we could look up and be filled with hope. May we look to You as the green leaves of the field towards the sun that we might live. May our joy be full in You!

This CAN'T Be God! (Or Is It?)

In my 32 years on this earth, I've come to an amazing realization just this year. It took me 32 years to realize that maybe the standard by which I determined whether or not persons, places, things and circumstances were or were not of God may be just a tad bit flawed.

I came up in the traditional school of thought that divided life into two main categories: if you lived right, your life was good, if you didn't live right, your life was a mess.
That sounds really good rolling off the tongue until you're the one faced with circumstances that you don't understand. Then that leaves us to audit our actions, searching for that one word or deed that set off motions of vengeance in heaven against us. On the flip, it also leaves those of us who missed the mark and know it (definitely talking about myself here) bearing an unreasonably heavy burden of guilt, assuming that our actions brought us our just reward and therefore who are we to ask the Lord how long until help comes?

Guilt is the great divide.

I guess that's why our Blessed Saviour purchased our redemption with His own blood, just so that guilt and shame would no longer have to be our garments.
This year, I've had to ask myself some hard questions and reexamine some conclusions that I'd made. "That aint God!" How quickly we declare something to be of God and yet, we spend so very little time in His presence or His Word. So I guess the next question would be...

How do you know it isn't Him?

I'm crying. I'm hurting. This feels bad. This is uncomfortable. I never saw this coming. I never wanted this like this...
This CAN'T be God...right?

Sleeping with Bathsheba was a sin. The first child she bore for King David did not survive, as God in His righteous judgement required his life because of his father's shedding of the innocent blood of Uriah. But Bathsheba's second son, Solomon, God loved and he ascended to the throne of His father.
Sleeping with Hagar was not a sin in man's eyes, but it was a moral slip due to a lack of patience in the manifestation of God's promise of a natural born heir to Sarah and Abraham. Granted, well into their 90's, no one would begrudge them a panic attack or two. But the birth of Ishmael also opened a new world of drama to Abraham's household. But once again God, in His divine grace and wisdom, knew that as Abraham's seed, Ishmael too would be blessed, thus fulfilling the promise that all the nations of the earth would be blessed through his seed.
I've come to understand that sometimes what God allows to happen is just as magnificent as what He directly does. Sin is only an option to a heart predisposed to sin. You need neither God nor devil to sin. The very nature of man outside of the presence of God contains enough wickedness to give all of hell a good paid vacation.
David's decision to sleep with Uriah's wife then orchestrate his murder to cover his sin was his own, and he admitted it. But Bathsheba was God's divine plan. Without her, there would have been no Solomon.
All of creation will do the will of Almighty God. The "how" is the only variable in the equation.
Mankind may control his decisions, but God controls their consequences.

He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy.

The mistake I was making was assuming that just because I broke the order of things, sinned or in some cases, just didn't take the time to inquire of the Lord before I made a decision played into whether or not the will of the Lord was being done in my life. Surely my circumstances could serve as spiritual advisers, showing me which was was UP.
Sometimes life will contradict your assumptions..and so will God.

"Arise Peter,  slay and eat!"
That can't be God!
But it was.

I had declared some things "not God" in my life. As a matter of fact, I even had help doing so. Most people, given the details of anyone's circumstances, particularly in the area of relationships would say "LEAVE". A lot of people assume that I stayed in relationship with my childrens' father for them. That is an incorrect assumption. We remained together as long as we did because I was honestly in love with him. But the pressure to quickly assess and determine whether or not a person was "of God" did us in. I couldn't wait for an answer.
I let go.

I can remember the second to the last breakup we experienced this year. I was tired, frustrated and not sure how to even try to work on the relationship. I was frankly tired of working. I was also of the school of thought that if it's of God, it most CERTAINLY doesn't need all of this elbow grease and meet all of this resistance! It's smooth sailing with God and when you're with a man of God, he rubs your feet at night while praying in tongues. SERIOUSLY?! lol!
With our breakup barely a month old, I was still hurting and missing him. I second guessed my decision to quit trying but I was raised to make a decision and stick to it. I was sitting under the dryer next to a delightful sister in Christ whom I'd met at a previous salon visit. She asked how "we" were doing and I told her we had broken up and were no longer together. She looked so disappointed. Then she said the words that almost rocked me out of my chair, "Sis, did you pray about it first?"
No, I hadn't.
I talked to my usual board of friends who were all about reacting and not "settling for less than God's best"!
But none of the "best chasers" suggested once that I pray before making a decision to end a relationship with the father of my two children.
I don't blame them. The final decision was mine to make and own. But bad counsel has broken up more homes than bad arguments.
We reconciled briefly and then I broke up again with him August of this year.

My reasons at the time sounded good in my own ears. Now they just sound selfish and cold. I want a closer relationship with God...I want God's best for my life...I need to be around people who build me up in the faith... Sounds GREAT in the halls of religion!
But in the huts and caves of the real world, it just sounds heartless.
So your God tells you I'm not good enough for you, I don't deserve you and that being with me tears you from Him. Wow, what a witness!
Now listen.. I'm no fool. I"m not telling anyone to stay in a relationship that puts them in any harm or danger. But how much Holy Ghost do you really have if you can't be around someone without losing your grip on your relationship with God? My children's father was not to blame for my lack of relationship with God. He never prevented me from praying or reading my bible or even attending church. He wasn't into any of those things according to my standards, but truth be told, I wasn't even living what I was expecting him to.
The funny thing about this whole experience is that the closer I got to God, the more I loved him. I feel more compassion and less judgemental. I celebrate the good in him instead of cataloging the negative.
I pray for him.
I don't know where we're going from here. We're not together and so far, our interaction is limited to visits with the children. But I savor those now and just let them be. I"m thankful that he's here for them and for me. My selfishness hurt him but it didn't destroy him and for that, I'm thankful.
What's different now than before is that I pray. I ask. I seek God.
No matter what, His will be done. And before I ever utter, "This can't be God" again...

I'll ask first.

Prayer Point: Lord, give those that may read this prayer a heart of compassion. With this compassion, they will be able to see past words and actions and see needs within their fellow men. I pray that we would get in the habit of seeking your will before declaring something is or isn't your will. I pray that You'd cause us to be sensitive and willing to adjust as you download answers into our hearts. May we recognize that in your Kingdom and Your divine will, there are no mistakes, only opportunities for the glory of  Your grace to be revealed. These things we ask in the Name of Him who is called Faithful and True. Amen.

Roll Call

I can testify of the goodness of God. If you can somehow find the strength and will to make it to another day, He will meet you there with brand new mercy, grace and provision. I know that I'm just starting this journey called motherhood to some, but I've also made it further down the road that a woman who just put down the little stick with two pink stripes or the woman who gets to take her newborn home from the hospital in a couple of days.
The truth of the matter is, we each stand on a podium of achievement that others hope they will one day ascend to. I can remember looking forward to the day my children and I could have a real exchange of ideas, besides my simply trying to translate screams and tears. My son now says, "Mama, I love you" or "Are you ok mama?" which warms my heart. Whether he's able to comprehend the words that he speaks to me, I'm not always 100% sure of, but at least he can now articulate it and I eat it up.
If there's anything that I've learned just this year alone, it's that life is so much more difficult without the wisdom and counsel of God. This time last year, I was an emotional mess. I was 30 lbs heavier than I am now, steadily approaching 300 lbs, inflamed with heartburn and indigestion due to stress, restless, unhealthy and most certainly unhappy. I was a mess.
But even when you're not mindful of Him, I'm so glad that He's always mindful of you!
He's given me peace and rest on my job as well as peace of mind when it comes to childcare. The truth of the matter is that one of the most difficult things for a single working mom to overcome is the need for affordable and trustworthy childcare. Matthew has seen six different childcare providers in his 4 yr lifespan. There were many tearful days and fretful nights, trying to find last minute daycare so that I could go to work the next day. When I had the money to pay, I couldn't find a sitter, and when I didn't have the money, again, no sitter. There were many days I was late for work or took time off from work simply because I had no place to take my children while I worked. A lot of people don't understand the reality of childcare costs in this nation. It's absurd, just like healthcare costs. It's not unreasonable for some families to kick out as much as $1400 a MONTH in childcare expenses. Thankfully, I've never to pay that much, but in terms of its proportion to my take home pay, I'd say my daycare expenses are almost equal to my mortgage.
But God, in His faithfulness, has seen me through that and helped me to place my children in a church daycare. They are wonderful, loving, professional caregivers who love and respect the children as well as openly communicate with the parents. It is the blessing of my LIFE to have them in this facility!
I'd say the second hardest thing to deal with emotionally as a single working mom is my relationship with their father. lol! He is not a bad man. He is a very loving father. He has a great relationship with all three of his children. But our relationship has been difficult to reconcile. I'll admit, I can be rather "my way or the highway" in some respects but there are some things that we need not compromise on. Maturity is also a factor that I take into consideration on both our parts. It's not easy trying to build a relationship and raise two small children simultaneously and when two people are poorly equipped to manage such immense tasks as these, one usually suffers. In our case, our romantic relationship suffered.
The hardest part to deal with now is placing my own personal feelings regarding our romantic relationship aside and accepting him for the father he can be right now. That doesn't always meet my approval and yes, my expectations are high. My expectations of him as a father are high because the personal standard with which I hold myself accountable as a mother is high. And I know it is said that mothers are more nurturing than fathers but I didn't get the complete memo and I still believe that fathers serve an equally vital role in their childrens' upbringing.
I'm not the single mom that says #1, I don't need a man, and #2 my children don't need a father.
We need him!
But as I've seen God move on so many different levels of this journey, I commit this one to His care also. He is more than able to get me and my two little ones to the appointed destiny He has designed for us. I just have to make sure that I'm present and accounted for at roll call.
And I'll admit, sometimes, I haven't felt like showing up.
I felt like the burden of parenting alone was too heavy to bear and that I deserved HELP! And please tell me why the women who care the least about their men have his heart wrapped around their fingers?!! She literally rolls her eyes every time he speaks and is only with him because he hands over his check book, but he marries her and she wants for nothing. REALLY? SERIOUSLY?! lol!
I'm just being real.
And then there's me.
God, can you see me down here?
This is the year He let me know that He does indeed see me and even if a man doesn't acknowledge what I do as a mother, all the sacrificing and strain, He has recorded it all and will remember me! What a precious promise that is for me!
He sees me.
Even though there are many days I feel as if my children are raising me instead of the other way around, I'm always blown away with motherly pride when a teacher or parent comes up to me and says, "You have the sweetest children!"
I can't take the credit for it. I simply know within myself that God is doing something right and my agreement with His will is bearing fruit in the lives of my children.
There will be days when you honestly don't know how or why you're a mother and your confidence is on the ground. You feel defeated and so far from where you want to be. You can't see the finish line. But I want to encourage you to keep making roll call. What do I mean by that? I mean, wake up each day and show up to life. By doing so, you give God another opportunity to move mightily on your behalf. He said, "Ask and it shall be given.. knock and the door shall be opened". Waking up and facing another day is another way of seeking and knocking. Each day you decide to move forward, you are believing God to turn your circumstances around. I've been curled up in a bed of tears and grief within these 4 yrs of motherhood and I've also wiped away tears of joy and gratitude.
Melissa Lewis?
HERE!

Prayer Point: Lord, cause every person who may read this blog to find the strength to make roll call. May they trust you for another day. May they learn to look to you as their source of strength and guidance. Don't let them lose their hope in you. Don't let them faint. Help them to stand, even with buckling knees. Strengthen the weary, encourage the discouraged and heal the brokenhearted. They will survive. They will grow. They will prevail and they will be victorious in you. May we look toward the hills of each new day with the expectancy that our Help is coming. Amen.