A few days ago I was stressed out. I had so much on my mind and felt a bit pressed to make a decision I wasn't too sure about making.
Needless to say, I'm now feeling a bit more peaceful and here's why.
First off, the older I get, the more I realize it's CRITICAL to follow the peace of God in all things. What that means simply is that if it upsets me, I don't need to deal with it. If I don't have peace about it, I don't need to do it. If I don't have peace while I'm there, I need to leave it. If I don't have peace while I'm talking to him or her, I end the conversation. The older I get the more I realize that discomfort is a signal that shouldn't be ignored. Ignoring physical symptoms of discomfort isn't a good idea and neither is ignoring emotional discomfort.
It's imperative that we follow the peace of God wherever we go.
Let me be honest. People can sometimes drive you out of your place of peace. People mean well but that don't always know what "well" is for you. They'll give you advice based off of what they claim they'd do if they were you. Here's the funny part. We already know what they'd do in a similar situation because it's usually similar to what they're already doing which is complaining and whining about what they're going through. If people were honest, they'd tell you that the advice they give is usually something they'd NEVER do. People that tell folks to go look for a job at McDonald's would NEVER work there themselves. People that tell you to leave your husband or wife would NEVER leave their spouse if their marriage hit the rocks. So why is it that we allow these people to continue speaking into and over our lives?
It's amazing how much peace you gain when you stop allowing people access to your life who have nothing to contribute to it. My life is NOT your entertainment. If you want to hear a good story and comment on it, I suggest you find your nearest reality tv show and tabloid newspaper. Leave my business alone.
Getting folks out of your business takes some effort. Some people muscle their way in. Some people weasel they way in under the guise of "care and concern". The people that deserve your business usually don't even ask for it. Those are the few folks you run across that don't need to know every detail before they offer up a prayer for you. The people who deserve your business are the ones who can be trusted with a secret and you won't have to hear about it anywhere else, not even from the pulpit. Part of your stress comes from misplaced confidence.If you're placing confidence in the wrong person, place or thing, there's bound to be some stress attached to that.
So I decided to get back to my place of peace and let the voices that were driving me out of that place of peace be silenced. It's nice that you have an opinion but more importantly, do you have a WORD FROM THE LORD? That's really the only people I have a significant amount of time for these days: people who hear from GOD.
I'm not choosy about who I listen to, no, not at all. God can use anybody at any given time to get His point across. I'm not choosy about the vessel. I'm just choosy about what that vessel contains.
I've got too much going on in my life not to hear from God. I'm facing too much, carrying too much, responsible for too much, entrusted with too much, got too many decisions to make, got too many steps to take to NOT hear what the Lord has to say for my life! So pardon and EXCUSE me if I'm choosy about who has a voice in this life of mine. Every second has to count and every moment is an opportunity for a divine download to come my way.
The old expression says, "To thine own self be true". But I decided to remix it and say, "To thine own self be 100". The younger generation coined the phrase "keep it 100" which is slang for 100 percent genuine, nothing fake or added. It's time to be 100 with ourselves. Stop entertaining nonsense. Stop allowing the unqualified and the unworthy to speak into your life and influence you. Keep it 100 with yourself.
Remain in his peace.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
What A Girl Wants, What a Woman Needs
I think it's fair to say there's a little girl deep inside of every woman. Some may disagree and those who do are free to get their own blog and write about it. lol! But because it's my blog, I'll stand by this hypothesis. Just as I believe there's a little boy inside of every man (evidenced by his love for video games, and gross/icky things) I think there's a little girl inside of every woman.
My inner girl is a BRAT. Yep, I said it. She's not only spoiled rotten, she's also not very thoughtful and spends most of her time making demands based off of her fantasies. My inner "lil girl" is sassy. She knows she's smart and has a firm command of the English language. She's masterful at throwing a tantrum. She knows how to give a good verbal "left hook".
I don't have to look very far to see flashes of my inner "lil girl". My daughter, Caitlyn, is a mini genius. She is outspoken, full of personality, opinionated and sassy. She doesn't back down from her big brother and when all else fails, she knows precisely when to turn on the waterworks and flash those beautiful big brown eyes and get her way. She's masterful at getting her way. She's observant and persistent. She knows that the word "no" simple means "try another way". There are so many strong qualities in my daughter. I love her tenacity and her guts. I love the fact that she speaks her mind and isn't introverted. I love the fact that she can clearly articulate her desires.
I can, however, live without the tantrums....the many, MANY tantrums.
As annoying her tantrums are, I must admit I have my own. I've had my fair share of adult sized tantrums in relationships. I can only think of one relationship that didn't contain major arguments and the more passionate the romance, the worse our arguments were.
Let me be honest.
I enjoy arguing.
Wow. I know that's awfully honest but what else should I be on a diary/blog? I sincerely MUST enjoy arguing because it's something I've done the most often and the most passionately in most of my relationships. I've disguised my propensity to argue as being "opinionated", "defending the truth", or "expressing myself". but the real truth of the matter is that it's my inner lil girl flipping the hell out.
Yep, said it.
FLIPPING OUT, LIL GIRL TANTRUM.
I grew up in a house where respect was premiere but only among adults. Adults were not obligated to respect you. If they did, then good but your job as a child was to respect adults at all times. Respect was not something that had to be earned by them. You were required to pony it up regardless of their actions toward you. Well, being as thoughtful as I was from a very early age, that never really sat well with me. I came into the world believing that if I understood the conversation taking place, I had every right to engage the speakers in a dialog. I was promptly corrected. Children are to be seen and not heard. We're all familiar with that phrase. Well guess what? That inner, opinionated lil girl never went anywhere. She just learned how to bide her time and develop a huge chip on her shoulder.
By the time I entered into my first, serious relationship, he had a monster on his hands. I couldn't understand at the time why I was so angry. I just knew that I was. We argued constantly and a few arguments even turned physical. I was always the aggressor. I'm not proud of this fact but guess what? Sometimes you gotta tell the truth to shame the devil. Men aren't the only ones with bad tempers in this world. There are PLENTY of women who live a life on 8 (simmering) and it don't take much to turn her dial all the way over to 10 (boiling). I was angry about a lot of things and looking back, I realize that little of it had anything to do with the man I was involved with at the time. It was an adult sized temper tantrum. That inner lil girl was raging like a maniac, kicking, screaming and demanding to be heard and understood.
But here's something I've come to understand about that inner lil girl that I didn't always see before. When we're young, we're encouraged to immediately use our imaginations to create worlds and scenarios that we personally enjoy. Have you ever seen two children playing an imaginary game and an argument starts because there's a conflict in the ad libbing? lol! Unfortunately, adults do that and don't even realize it.
Every girl wants something shiny, beautiful, big and bold. Never mind it isn't real. It doesn't have to be real to make a lil girl happy. When I was little, I'd use towels to pretend I had long hair. I used to LOVE getting those big, shiny plastic diamond rings for my fingers. It didn't matter to me that it wasn't real. Looking real was enough for me.
So what happens when the lil girl turns 33 on the outside but stays 7 on the inside?
She doesn't mind the fake and phony. As a matter of fact, sometimes she even prefers the fake to the real because it's about what she wants and not what anyone else wants. It's her fantasy to live and to fulfill so if he isn't necessarily a good man but can "look" the part, he's good enough.
Right beside the inner lil girl is a woman who wants to be heard and wants to emerge. She's tired of this 7 year old running her life. She's tired of the tantrums that express themselves in eating problems, arguments and break up's
It is incredibly selfish of anyone to enter a relationship knowing that they have deep seated issues and refuse to deal with them, expecting a life partner to somehow be able to manage their psychosis for them. Uh uh. No ma'am. No sir. Fix that. If you know you have an anger problem, deal with it. Don't expect for a mate to be able to walk on eggshells for a lifetime around your land mine of a temper. Not fair. Not gonna work.
At some point the inner child needs to grow up.
She has to stop treasuring the fake over the real.
She has to stop wanting something to look good more than it BEING good.
She has to stop throwing a tantrum every time things and people don't go her way.
She has to realize the world wasn't made for her but she was made for it.
She has to realize that she doesn't have to yell and scream to be heard. People will listen if you have something to say.
At the age of 33 I realize that I haven't even given the woman in me a chance to speak and clearly define her needs. I've been too busy trying to pick this inner 7 yr old up off the middle of aisle 5 and calm her down. I haven't even discussed with my 33 year old self what I value now, what I need now. Being 33 is drastically different than being 23. There are things I would have tolerated at 23 that I absolutely cannot stand now. There are places I wouldn't mind frequenting at 23 years of age that I wouldn't step foot in now. The woman in me wants to be seen and heard. She has needs. She's not superficial. She's seen some things and heard some things too. She's bought into a few lies and seen a few tricks. She's had nice looking things that weren't necessarily good things. She places more value on things like peace of mind, respect, and integrity now. Every now and again the inner lil girl wants to flip the hell out and tell her that she wants this, that or the other.
But it's time now to hear what the grown woman needs.
Hush, lil girl.
Hush.
My inner girl is a BRAT. Yep, I said it. She's not only spoiled rotten, she's also not very thoughtful and spends most of her time making demands based off of her fantasies. My inner "lil girl" is sassy. She knows she's smart and has a firm command of the English language. She's masterful at throwing a tantrum. She knows how to give a good verbal "left hook".
I don't have to look very far to see flashes of my inner "lil girl". My daughter, Caitlyn, is a mini genius. She is outspoken, full of personality, opinionated and sassy. She doesn't back down from her big brother and when all else fails, she knows precisely when to turn on the waterworks and flash those beautiful big brown eyes and get her way. She's masterful at getting her way. She's observant and persistent. She knows that the word "no" simple means "try another way". There are so many strong qualities in my daughter. I love her tenacity and her guts. I love the fact that she speaks her mind and isn't introverted. I love the fact that she can clearly articulate her desires.
I can, however, live without the tantrums....the many, MANY tantrums.
As annoying her tantrums are, I must admit I have my own. I've had my fair share of adult sized tantrums in relationships. I can only think of one relationship that didn't contain major arguments and the more passionate the romance, the worse our arguments were.
Let me be honest.
I enjoy arguing.
Wow. I know that's awfully honest but what else should I be on a diary/blog? I sincerely MUST enjoy arguing because it's something I've done the most often and the most passionately in most of my relationships. I've disguised my propensity to argue as being "opinionated", "defending the truth", or "expressing myself". but the real truth of the matter is that it's my inner lil girl flipping the hell out.
Yep, said it.
FLIPPING OUT, LIL GIRL TANTRUM.
I grew up in a house where respect was premiere but only among adults. Adults were not obligated to respect you. If they did, then good but your job as a child was to respect adults at all times. Respect was not something that had to be earned by them. You were required to pony it up regardless of their actions toward you. Well, being as thoughtful as I was from a very early age, that never really sat well with me. I came into the world believing that if I understood the conversation taking place, I had every right to engage the speakers in a dialog. I was promptly corrected. Children are to be seen and not heard. We're all familiar with that phrase. Well guess what? That inner, opinionated lil girl never went anywhere. She just learned how to bide her time and develop a huge chip on her shoulder.
By the time I entered into my first, serious relationship, he had a monster on his hands. I couldn't understand at the time why I was so angry. I just knew that I was. We argued constantly and a few arguments even turned physical. I was always the aggressor. I'm not proud of this fact but guess what? Sometimes you gotta tell the truth to shame the devil. Men aren't the only ones with bad tempers in this world. There are PLENTY of women who live a life on 8 (simmering) and it don't take much to turn her dial all the way over to 10 (boiling). I was angry about a lot of things and looking back, I realize that little of it had anything to do with the man I was involved with at the time. It was an adult sized temper tantrum. That inner lil girl was raging like a maniac, kicking, screaming and demanding to be heard and understood.
But here's something I've come to understand about that inner lil girl that I didn't always see before. When we're young, we're encouraged to immediately use our imaginations to create worlds and scenarios that we personally enjoy. Have you ever seen two children playing an imaginary game and an argument starts because there's a conflict in the ad libbing? lol! Unfortunately, adults do that and don't even realize it.
Every girl wants something shiny, beautiful, big and bold. Never mind it isn't real. It doesn't have to be real to make a lil girl happy. When I was little, I'd use towels to pretend I had long hair. I used to LOVE getting those big, shiny plastic diamond rings for my fingers. It didn't matter to me that it wasn't real. Looking real was enough for me.
So what happens when the lil girl turns 33 on the outside but stays 7 on the inside?
She doesn't mind the fake and phony. As a matter of fact, sometimes she even prefers the fake to the real because it's about what she wants and not what anyone else wants. It's her fantasy to live and to fulfill so if he isn't necessarily a good man but can "look" the part, he's good enough.
Right beside the inner lil girl is a woman who wants to be heard and wants to emerge. She's tired of this 7 year old running her life. She's tired of the tantrums that express themselves in eating problems, arguments and break up's
It is incredibly selfish of anyone to enter a relationship knowing that they have deep seated issues and refuse to deal with them, expecting a life partner to somehow be able to manage their psychosis for them. Uh uh. No ma'am. No sir. Fix that. If you know you have an anger problem, deal with it. Don't expect for a mate to be able to walk on eggshells for a lifetime around your land mine of a temper. Not fair. Not gonna work.
At some point the inner child needs to grow up.
She has to stop treasuring the fake over the real.
She has to stop wanting something to look good more than it BEING good.
She has to stop throwing a tantrum every time things and people don't go her way.
She has to realize the world wasn't made for her but she was made for it.
She has to realize that she doesn't have to yell and scream to be heard. People will listen if you have something to say.
At the age of 33 I realize that I haven't even given the woman in me a chance to speak and clearly define her needs. I've been too busy trying to pick this inner 7 yr old up off the middle of aisle 5 and calm her down. I haven't even discussed with my 33 year old self what I value now, what I need now. Being 33 is drastically different than being 23. There are things I would have tolerated at 23 that I absolutely cannot stand now. There are places I wouldn't mind frequenting at 23 years of age that I wouldn't step foot in now. The woman in me wants to be seen and heard. She has needs. She's not superficial. She's seen some things and heard some things too. She's bought into a few lies and seen a few tricks. She's had nice looking things that weren't necessarily good things. She places more value on things like peace of mind, respect, and integrity now. Every now and again the inner lil girl wants to flip the hell out and tell her that she wants this, that or the other.
But it's time now to hear what the grown woman needs.
Hush, lil girl.
Hush.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Armless, Footless Foe
I've felt this way before. I feel anxious. I even have a slight headache. A part of me doesn't want to eat. I even feel a slight wave of nausea. I want to go back to bed and sleep.
What's wrong with me?
I'm fighting the "no" in me.
I'm standing on the verge of a new opportunity and the loudest voice in my head is shouting, "You can't do this. You don't want to do this, do you? What makes you think this will work?"
Maybe I'm the only one who's ever heard those things in my head, but for some reason, I don't think so.
Sometimes the loudest and strongest voice of opposition can be found right between your own ears.
I can't tell you how many people have said in the last few days, "I think you'd be great at it!" "Melissa, you're perfect for this!" "You've got what it takes!" But before I can let it all sink in, I hear that loud, raging beast inside my head that says, "Please! You've never done anything like this before. What makes you think you can do it? You know it won't work!"
I'm almost convinced that your biggest enemy doesn't even have arms, legs, hands or feet. He only has a loud, intimidating voice, and usually that's all he needs to level you.
David had already faced Goliath by the time he met him.. and won. He told King Saul, and I paraphrase, "Hey, I've already killed a bear and when a lion ran up on me, I grabbed him by his beard and killed him too. Goliath? And WHAT?!" lol!
This new business opportunity is one fight. I'm facing others.
I'm forcing myself to examine my romantic relationships critically. It's not a pretty sight. I don't want to look at it because it reflects a part of me that I just don't want to see. But I'm looking anyway. I'm looking at the fact that I've traded dignity for a sliver of affection many times. I'm looking at the fact that I accepted someone treating me like they could take me or leave me over waiting on someone who could treasure me. I don't want to look, but I'm looking.
It's not easy to move on from a relationship, particularly for women.
We invest so much, lay so much on the line... stake so much of our value and self worth on the success or failure of this relationship and the approval of this one man.
Yep, one man.
One man on the planet is given the keys to our happiness, contentment, self esteem and told to drive as recklessly as he can with it over a bumpy road.
Nobody wants to wait for better because what if better is actually worse?
What if what I let go of is the last thing I'll ever hold on to?
What if I'm walking away from my one chance at semi happiness?
What if?
Once again, that mind of ours, the armless, footless foe levels us to the ground.
I've just decided to stand up to this inward bully and answer some of its questions.
"What if you look like a fool?" It won't be the first time.
"What if you never marry?" Doesn't mean I'll never have friends.
"What if you never find a good man?" I won't if I stay here.
"What if your new business doesn't work?" I'll try another one.
No one told me I couldn't have my own, successful business. No one told me I couldn't find love. No one told me that but ME.
The hand less, footless, enemy between my ears. And for many, many years, he won countless battles without having to throw a single punch.
Here's something I'm discovering in the middle of this new season of my life.
Favor doesn't remove fear and it doesn't always silence the footless foe in your mind that wants to keep you paralyzed in the former season. That's why God continuously had to remind His people to be strong and courageous. God is with you even if your eyes are taking in an imposing landscape and your knees are buckling.
He's with you.
Do you know what happens if you try something and it doesn't work? You get up and try something else.
Do you know what happens if you date one man and he doesn't treat you right? You get up and try again.
Abraham and Sarah could have stopped at Ishmael but God wouldn't allow it. Their fears could have paralyzed them into abandoning their precious promise. But God never let the promise fade away. Every few years, He'd bring it up again.
One way to tell that something is a God inspired promise to you is the fact that you don't get to decide when it's over. lol!
God will bring that thing up at the most unwanted moments of your life. You'll want to forget it. You'll want to leave it alone. But when God makes you a promise, He is obligated to bring it to pass.
Don't allow fear, anxiety, nervousness, unsurety to paralyze you.
Just remember that He is with you. As you make steps, He will go before you. But He can't clear a path that you refuse to walk on.
Get moving.
Forward.
What's wrong with me?
I'm fighting the "no" in me.
I'm standing on the verge of a new opportunity and the loudest voice in my head is shouting, "You can't do this. You don't want to do this, do you? What makes you think this will work?"
Maybe I'm the only one who's ever heard those things in my head, but for some reason, I don't think so.
Sometimes the loudest and strongest voice of opposition can be found right between your own ears.
I can't tell you how many people have said in the last few days, "I think you'd be great at it!" "Melissa, you're perfect for this!" "You've got what it takes!" But before I can let it all sink in, I hear that loud, raging beast inside my head that says, "Please! You've never done anything like this before. What makes you think you can do it? You know it won't work!"
I'm almost convinced that your biggest enemy doesn't even have arms, legs, hands or feet. He only has a loud, intimidating voice, and usually that's all he needs to level you.
David had already faced Goliath by the time he met him.. and won. He told King Saul, and I paraphrase, "Hey, I've already killed a bear and when a lion ran up on me, I grabbed him by his beard and killed him too. Goliath? And WHAT?!" lol!
This new business opportunity is one fight. I'm facing others.
I'm forcing myself to examine my romantic relationships critically. It's not a pretty sight. I don't want to look at it because it reflects a part of me that I just don't want to see. But I'm looking anyway. I'm looking at the fact that I've traded dignity for a sliver of affection many times. I'm looking at the fact that I accepted someone treating me like they could take me or leave me over waiting on someone who could treasure me. I don't want to look, but I'm looking.
It's not easy to move on from a relationship, particularly for women.
We invest so much, lay so much on the line... stake so much of our value and self worth on the success or failure of this relationship and the approval of this one man.
Yep, one man.
One man on the planet is given the keys to our happiness, contentment, self esteem and told to drive as recklessly as he can with it over a bumpy road.
Nobody wants to wait for better because what if better is actually worse?
What if what I let go of is the last thing I'll ever hold on to?
What if I'm walking away from my one chance at semi happiness?
What if?
Once again, that mind of ours, the armless, footless foe levels us to the ground.
I've just decided to stand up to this inward bully and answer some of its questions.
"What if you look like a fool?" It won't be the first time.
"What if you never marry?" Doesn't mean I'll never have friends.
"What if you never find a good man?" I won't if I stay here.
"What if your new business doesn't work?" I'll try another one.
No one told me I couldn't have my own, successful business. No one told me I couldn't find love. No one told me that but ME.
The hand less, footless, enemy between my ears. And for many, many years, he won countless battles without having to throw a single punch.
Here's something I'm discovering in the middle of this new season of my life.
Favor doesn't remove fear and it doesn't always silence the footless foe in your mind that wants to keep you paralyzed in the former season. That's why God continuously had to remind His people to be strong and courageous. God is with you even if your eyes are taking in an imposing landscape and your knees are buckling.
He's with you.
Do you know what happens if you try something and it doesn't work? You get up and try something else.
Do you know what happens if you date one man and he doesn't treat you right? You get up and try again.
Abraham and Sarah could have stopped at Ishmael but God wouldn't allow it. Their fears could have paralyzed them into abandoning their precious promise. But God never let the promise fade away. Every few years, He'd bring it up again.
One way to tell that something is a God inspired promise to you is the fact that you don't get to decide when it's over. lol!
God will bring that thing up at the most unwanted moments of your life. You'll want to forget it. You'll want to leave it alone. But when God makes you a promise, He is obligated to bring it to pass.
Don't allow fear, anxiety, nervousness, unsurety to paralyze you.
Just remember that He is with you. As you make steps, He will go before you. But He can't clear a path that you refuse to walk on.
Get moving.
Forward.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Better Things
Ok. I really don't feel like writing this and that's precisely why I'm writing it. It's easy to write blogs that are full of hope and inspiration. It's easy to encourage someone when you're encouraged. It's easy to tell someone what to do to make it through a tough place.
It's not so easy when it's your time and your turn.
One of the hardest things for me to do is deal with my love life. I've faced down some pretty imposing things in the last 9 months and I kept moving forward. But nothing slows me down quite like loving a man that just don't love me like I deserve to be loved in return.
The father of my children is in a unique position in my life. He's not the first man I've ever loved. He's not the first man I've ever been in a relationship with. He's not the first man I've ever lived with. But he is the first man who's ever given me children.
Our relationship started very quickly and very wrong seven years ago. Yep. SEVEN. November, 2004, to be exact. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on him. Our physical relationship began a few months later in February of 2005. I was pregnant by July of 2005 with our son, Matthew. Now there's a whole lot of cock and bull in between but I tried to be as optimistic as possible. I knew I made many mistakes in my involvement with him. I could have known him better. I should have done my homework. Character and integrity should have meant more than passion and excitement to me. I should have taken sex off of the table. It should have never been introduced as quickly as it was. I should have taken note of each red flag, investigated them and then made a firm decision based on where those flags took me. I should have taken the time to qualify the man who was approaching my life, wanting to be a part of it in ways he wasn't even prepared for.
Neither one of us were planning on making babies together but that's exactly what we did.
And our lack of planning has caused many people, not just ourselves and our two children, to suffer.
Thankfully, our children have managed somehow not to be irreparably harmed by our careless frolicking into lust, passion, desire and immaturity, but that doesn't mean they haven't had to deal with their fair share of nonsense.
I've dealt with my fair share of nonsense.
If anything, this seven year involvement with this man has taught me many things, although some lessons clearly need a bit more emphasis because hey, I'm hard headed. One lesson that stands out above all is that a man of character and integrity should be valued and prized above all things. It's good that he has a decent job, wears nice clothes, has a voice that can melt an ice cube and game like Kobe. That's all well and good. But what kind of man is he when the lights come on? Ahh... now we're getting somewhere.
If your best times are at bedtime, there should be no time between you two.
None.
It's a waste of time.
I know plenty of women (myself included) who laid down many a precious sacrifice at the altar of lust and passion. If I told you everything I gave this man and how many times I did it, you'd probably stop reading my blog. It's a wonder my mother and sister still speak to me. lol! Yea, it was that bad. I hung in there like a champ, trying my best to salvage this mess of a relationship to save face. I couldn't just say that it was flawed from the start, involved no critical thinking on my part and that two foolish people sexed their way into a relationship that was little more than a few good evenings of passion. I'm not saying we didn't try. We did. We moved in together. He made bills. I paid them. He made debt. I carried it. I waited up for him to come home many nights, not knowing where he was, and wondering why I was foolish enough to let him back in when he finally did come home at 3, 4, and 5 a.m. We fought like cats and dogs. I still have holes in walls and doors. I've been called names I don't care to repeat and been told things that would make a tough guy wince. But I wanted something better to come out of our relationship. Surely, if we could make two beautiful children, we could make a beautiful relationship, right? RIGHT?
I held out hope for a long time. I prayed. I fasted. I cried.
I don't blame God for things not working out.
God is not a genie in a bottle nor is He like a root worker who will manipulate someone against their own will. Our job is to AGREE with God, not to be manipulated by Him. If you can't see things His way, He doesn't press the issue. So why do we?
We want someone to see things our way. I wanted my childrens' father to see things my way. I wanted him to see that he had a damn good woman that he was treating like garbage. I wanted him to see that with a little commitment and a a tad more effort on his part, we could be a home and a family that our children would be strengthened by and I'd have the love of a man I always wanted.
I'd finally have something that was real.
We spoke briefly today, throughout the day. We speak daily actually, small talk. He'll call to tell me how his day is going at work, to ask about the kids. I listen intently as he talks about this coworker, or that issue with his family. He likes to talk to me. I like to listen because one day, I hope to hear the words, "Melissa, I love you. Let's give it one more try". Instead, every now and then I hear the words, "What are you wearing?"
Yep. Melissa hears that.
It hurts because this is someone I've grown to love and care about. We started out bad but over seven years, I grew to love him. I so believed that we could make something out of virtually nothing. I believed we could find the motivation in our childrens' eyes together to make a good relationship. I could let go of the lies, the disappointments, the promises made and never kept, the drinking, the smoking, the fights.
I could let it go. I did let it go.
I could keep trying.
I could keep hoping and praying.
I could keep believing that someway, somehow, God would change a man's character and give him integrity just for me, all in a few months.
Too bad it doesn't work like that.
You see, it takes character and integrity to be in a faithful and committed relationship and neither of those elements are built overnight. They take time to establish. God doesn't give us character and integrity. That's something we have to cultivate on our own. That's why there are plenty of people in the Kingdom of God who God has saved but cannot entrust with anything. It's not because He doesn't love them. It's because they have not proven themselves faithful or trustworthy.
So I can pray all I want to for God to change this man into someone that loves, cares, and respects. But the truth is, that man has to be willing to build his own character.
I'm 33 years old. I say it often and that's mainly for my own realization, not yours. I love God with all my heart and soul but sometimes my soul hurts a little and tonight is one of those nights. Hey, what can I say? I'm human. I believe every Word written in the bible and that's why I'm at this point in my life. Do I honestly believe that this is the best that God can do for me? Even if this man said with his mouth, "Melissa, I want us to work this out", what would that really mean? Would he be different? Would he have the character and integrity needed to go the distance? Would I be able to trust him? Would he be home every night? Just the simple fact that I can't answer all of those questions lets me know there's a problem.
Yes, he's the father of my children. I am thankful that we have two beautiful children to show for our seven years of knowing each other. But I'm ready for better.
Better may not come tomorrow. And better may not happen this year. It may be a few more years before better arrives but I think it's time I started looking for it.
It's hard to believe God can do more than what you've seen done before. As I said earlier, this isn't my first relationship but it certainly hasn't been very much different than any of them from the past. None of them lasted and none of them gave me the love and honor I'm due. But just because it hasn't been seen before doesn't mean God can't do it. My faith tells me that even though I've never experienced a healthy relationship and never really saw a long lasting love in my own family, that doesn't mean it's impossible. With God, nothing shall be impossible.
It's going to be a battle to let go of my "this will do" to embrace something totally new and better. I'm sure if I really, really want to hang on to this man, I can. But deep down I know I'll never get all that God has for me by doing so.
I still believe God can turn things around. I'll still pray for the father of my two children. If God wills for us to be together, I'll accept His will for my life.
But as of right now, I'm believing for better than this here.
It's scary to let go of the only thing that looks halfway like something you've always wanted.
It hurts.
But it's a must.
I don't want almost.
I don't want "this will have to do".
I want everything God has for me and every blessing He intends to bestow on me.
I want it all.
I want better things.
It's not so easy when it's your time and your turn.
One of the hardest things for me to do is deal with my love life. I've faced down some pretty imposing things in the last 9 months and I kept moving forward. But nothing slows me down quite like loving a man that just don't love me like I deserve to be loved in return.
The father of my children is in a unique position in my life. He's not the first man I've ever loved. He's not the first man I've ever been in a relationship with. He's not the first man I've ever lived with. But he is the first man who's ever given me children.
Our relationship started very quickly and very wrong seven years ago. Yep. SEVEN. November, 2004, to be exact. That was the first day I ever laid eyes on him. Our physical relationship began a few months later in February of 2005. I was pregnant by July of 2005 with our son, Matthew. Now there's a whole lot of cock and bull in between but I tried to be as optimistic as possible. I knew I made many mistakes in my involvement with him. I could have known him better. I should have done my homework. Character and integrity should have meant more than passion and excitement to me. I should have taken sex off of the table. It should have never been introduced as quickly as it was. I should have taken note of each red flag, investigated them and then made a firm decision based on where those flags took me. I should have taken the time to qualify the man who was approaching my life, wanting to be a part of it in ways he wasn't even prepared for.
Neither one of us were planning on making babies together but that's exactly what we did.
And our lack of planning has caused many people, not just ourselves and our two children, to suffer.
Thankfully, our children have managed somehow not to be irreparably harmed by our careless frolicking into lust, passion, desire and immaturity, but that doesn't mean they haven't had to deal with their fair share of nonsense.
I've dealt with my fair share of nonsense.
If anything, this seven year involvement with this man has taught me many things, although some lessons clearly need a bit more emphasis because hey, I'm hard headed. One lesson that stands out above all is that a man of character and integrity should be valued and prized above all things. It's good that he has a decent job, wears nice clothes, has a voice that can melt an ice cube and game like Kobe. That's all well and good. But what kind of man is he when the lights come on? Ahh... now we're getting somewhere.
If your best times are at bedtime, there should be no time between you two.
None.
It's a waste of time.
I know plenty of women (myself included) who laid down many a precious sacrifice at the altar of lust and passion. If I told you everything I gave this man and how many times I did it, you'd probably stop reading my blog. It's a wonder my mother and sister still speak to me. lol! Yea, it was that bad. I hung in there like a champ, trying my best to salvage this mess of a relationship to save face. I couldn't just say that it was flawed from the start, involved no critical thinking on my part and that two foolish people sexed their way into a relationship that was little more than a few good evenings of passion. I'm not saying we didn't try. We did. We moved in together. He made bills. I paid them. He made debt. I carried it. I waited up for him to come home many nights, not knowing where he was, and wondering why I was foolish enough to let him back in when he finally did come home at 3, 4, and 5 a.m. We fought like cats and dogs. I still have holes in walls and doors. I've been called names I don't care to repeat and been told things that would make a tough guy wince. But I wanted something better to come out of our relationship. Surely, if we could make two beautiful children, we could make a beautiful relationship, right? RIGHT?
I held out hope for a long time. I prayed. I fasted. I cried.
I don't blame God for things not working out.
God is not a genie in a bottle nor is He like a root worker who will manipulate someone against their own will. Our job is to AGREE with God, not to be manipulated by Him. If you can't see things His way, He doesn't press the issue. So why do we?
We want someone to see things our way. I wanted my childrens' father to see things my way. I wanted him to see that he had a damn good woman that he was treating like garbage. I wanted him to see that with a little commitment and a a tad more effort on his part, we could be a home and a family that our children would be strengthened by and I'd have the love of a man I always wanted.
I'd finally have something that was real.
We spoke briefly today, throughout the day. We speak daily actually, small talk. He'll call to tell me how his day is going at work, to ask about the kids. I listen intently as he talks about this coworker, or that issue with his family. He likes to talk to me. I like to listen because one day, I hope to hear the words, "Melissa, I love you. Let's give it one more try". Instead, every now and then I hear the words, "What are you wearing?"
Yep. Melissa hears that.
It hurts because this is someone I've grown to love and care about. We started out bad but over seven years, I grew to love him. I so believed that we could make something out of virtually nothing. I believed we could find the motivation in our childrens' eyes together to make a good relationship. I could let go of the lies, the disappointments, the promises made and never kept, the drinking, the smoking, the fights.
I could let it go. I did let it go.
I could keep trying.
I could keep hoping and praying.
I could keep believing that someway, somehow, God would change a man's character and give him integrity just for me, all in a few months.
Too bad it doesn't work like that.
You see, it takes character and integrity to be in a faithful and committed relationship and neither of those elements are built overnight. They take time to establish. God doesn't give us character and integrity. That's something we have to cultivate on our own. That's why there are plenty of people in the Kingdom of God who God has saved but cannot entrust with anything. It's not because He doesn't love them. It's because they have not proven themselves faithful or trustworthy.
So I can pray all I want to for God to change this man into someone that loves, cares, and respects. But the truth is, that man has to be willing to build his own character.
I'm 33 years old. I say it often and that's mainly for my own realization, not yours. I love God with all my heart and soul but sometimes my soul hurts a little and tonight is one of those nights. Hey, what can I say? I'm human. I believe every Word written in the bible and that's why I'm at this point in my life. Do I honestly believe that this is the best that God can do for me? Even if this man said with his mouth, "Melissa, I want us to work this out", what would that really mean? Would he be different? Would he have the character and integrity needed to go the distance? Would I be able to trust him? Would he be home every night? Just the simple fact that I can't answer all of those questions lets me know there's a problem.
Yes, he's the father of my children. I am thankful that we have two beautiful children to show for our seven years of knowing each other. But I'm ready for better.
Better may not come tomorrow. And better may not happen this year. It may be a few more years before better arrives but I think it's time I started looking for it.
It's hard to believe God can do more than what you've seen done before. As I said earlier, this isn't my first relationship but it certainly hasn't been very much different than any of them from the past. None of them lasted and none of them gave me the love and honor I'm due. But just because it hasn't been seen before doesn't mean God can't do it. My faith tells me that even though I've never experienced a healthy relationship and never really saw a long lasting love in my own family, that doesn't mean it's impossible. With God, nothing shall be impossible.
It's going to be a battle to let go of my "this will do" to embrace something totally new and better. I'm sure if I really, really want to hang on to this man, I can. But deep down I know I'll never get all that God has for me by doing so.
I still believe God can turn things around. I'll still pray for the father of my two children. If God wills for us to be together, I'll accept His will for my life.
But as of right now, I'm believing for better than this here.
It's scary to let go of the only thing that looks halfway like something you've always wanted.
It hurts.
But it's a must.
I don't want almost.
I don't want "this will have to do".
I want everything God has for me and every blessing He intends to bestow on me.
I want it all.
I want better things.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Girl, You Must Be Dreamin!
I don't consider myself a dreamer. I've been known to go several months if not longer without so much as a chase dream. But here lately, I've been dreaming a lot. I've had dreams so vivid, I was glad to be awake and others so memorable I didn't even have to write them down to recall them later.
My family's no stranger to dreams either. I can remember as a child my mother mentioning dreams she'd had warning about the death of someone we all knew. Dreams are well respected in my family. I've always known that God speaks to us through our dreams. Sometimes, it's said that's the only way He can get a word in edge-wise. That may be so but I think that sometimes, God just wants to give us a sneak peek, a glimpse into something that He has for us but that we may not be quite ready for. I also think He allows dreams to come so that we'll seek Him first for their meaning. Isn't it funny how we spend most of our time on the phone, texting, talking, online, and face to face asking everyone but Him for answers? Hmm.
I had a dream last night. I really hate to talk about my dreams because I consider them to immensely personal but hey, so is a blog called "Diary of A Baby Mama".
In this dream, there was a man who was completely enamoured with me. I'm talking 100% smitten. I can remember being embarrassed to an extent by his behavior. As much as he liked my physical appearance, he was just as moved by me, the person. Now he was not my type: he was older, not particularly attractive, etc. But I can remember him holding my hand and his hand was so much bigger than mine. I remember more than anything the emotions I felt in the dream more than what I saw: I felt safe, adored, protected, and finally, treasured.
And isn't that the point of it all?
I'm thirty three years old. I'm a long way away from over the hill but far from a rookie. I've been in a relationship or two. Seen somethings. Lived some things. I've seen women that I'm related to and women I love as dear friends experience the joy and pain of relationships. I've seen weddings, births and funerals. I've even seen separations and divorces. But one thing I haven't seen much of is a love that tells God "thank you". I'm talking about a love that comes after a storm, at the end of a long, dark night, and breaks forth like the dawn and shines on everybody who sees it. I've known one couple like that and it's given me hope for my own life.
I've tried to take a practical approach to love and relationships. I've gone down the rabbit hole of fantasy before that immerses you in movies and music videos but leaves you empty and disappointed in the end. I've tried to take a more straight forward approach to love. I don't have to expect to be beaten or abused but expecting to be adored, honored, and appreciated? That's a bit much, don't you think?
I know I'm not the only woman who feels that way.
If I was, I'd see less problems and more testimonies.
Truth is you'll never have more than you can believe for.
NEVER.
I didn't believe I could be loved, honored, respected, adored and desired, all at the same time, by the same man.
Didn't believe it.
And then God gave me a dream. Let me see it. Feel it. Prepare for it.
I'm not saying that I'll be married by the end of next year and I'll meet the man of my dreams by the end of this one. God isn't my genie in a bottle and I'm doing my best not to rub Him the wrong way with my doubt & unbelief. I am saying that the dream gave me hope and my hope gives me the faith to believe what I cannot see. Just because all I've seen is pain, disrespect, disregard and failure in love doesn't mean that's all that's there. Faith is my other set of eyes. It causes me to see what I haven't seen before and wait patiently until it shows up into the natural.
So keep dreaming ladies.
Blessed is the one who hasn't seen but yet believes.
I've got some faith focals on.
My family's no stranger to dreams either. I can remember as a child my mother mentioning dreams she'd had warning about the death of someone we all knew. Dreams are well respected in my family. I've always known that God speaks to us through our dreams. Sometimes, it's said that's the only way He can get a word in edge-wise. That may be so but I think that sometimes, God just wants to give us a sneak peek, a glimpse into something that He has for us but that we may not be quite ready for. I also think He allows dreams to come so that we'll seek Him first for their meaning. Isn't it funny how we spend most of our time on the phone, texting, talking, online, and face to face asking everyone but Him for answers? Hmm.
I had a dream last night. I really hate to talk about my dreams because I consider them to immensely personal but hey, so is a blog called "Diary of A Baby Mama".
In this dream, there was a man who was completely enamoured with me. I'm talking 100% smitten. I can remember being embarrassed to an extent by his behavior. As much as he liked my physical appearance, he was just as moved by me, the person. Now he was not my type: he was older, not particularly attractive, etc. But I can remember him holding my hand and his hand was so much bigger than mine. I remember more than anything the emotions I felt in the dream more than what I saw: I felt safe, adored, protected, and finally, treasured.
And isn't that the point of it all?
I'm thirty three years old. I'm a long way away from over the hill but far from a rookie. I've been in a relationship or two. Seen somethings. Lived some things. I've seen women that I'm related to and women I love as dear friends experience the joy and pain of relationships. I've seen weddings, births and funerals. I've even seen separations and divorces. But one thing I haven't seen much of is a love that tells God "thank you". I'm talking about a love that comes after a storm, at the end of a long, dark night, and breaks forth like the dawn and shines on everybody who sees it. I've known one couple like that and it's given me hope for my own life.
I've tried to take a practical approach to love and relationships. I've gone down the rabbit hole of fantasy before that immerses you in movies and music videos but leaves you empty and disappointed in the end. I've tried to take a more straight forward approach to love. I don't have to expect to be beaten or abused but expecting to be adored, honored, and appreciated? That's a bit much, don't you think?
I know I'm not the only woman who feels that way.
If I was, I'd see less problems and more testimonies.
Truth is you'll never have more than you can believe for.
NEVER.
I didn't believe I could be loved, honored, respected, adored and desired, all at the same time, by the same man.
Didn't believe it.
And then God gave me a dream. Let me see it. Feel it. Prepare for it.
I'm not saying that I'll be married by the end of next year and I'll meet the man of my dreams by the end of this one. God isn't my genie in a bottle and I'm doing my best not to rub Him the wrong way with my doubt & unbelief. I am saying that the dream gave me hope and my hope gives me the faith to believe what I cannot see. Just because all I've seen is pain, disrespect, disregard and failure in love doesn't mean that's all that's there. Faith is my other set of eyes. It causes me to see what I haven't seen before and wait patiently until it shows up into the natural.
So keep dreaming ladies.
Blessed is the one who hasn't seen but yet believes.
I've got some faith focals on.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ooh, LaLa: I'm BUILT!
Soccer Mom. Stay at Home Mom. Busy Mom. Single Mom. Working Mom.
Stressed Mom. Frustrated Mom. Overworked Mom. Under-appreciated Mom. Frazzled Mom.
I've been most of these at some point, and many right now.
I try to pause first thing in the morning now. I mean, literally pause. Once I realize that I'm conscious, no longer asleep and definitely not dreaming, I pause. I give God a moment to whisper to me because once my feet hit the carpet, it's lights, camera, action. There's outfits to coordinate, lunch boxes to pack, snacks to label, socks to match, hair to comb, teeth to brush, tears to wipe, car seats to buckle, laundry to sort, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up... on and on.
So I pause now, first thing in the morning. Dr. Mike Murdock said to give the Holy Spirit the first seven minutes of every single day. How delightfully simple that seemed to me. I for one feel at times a bit dissatisfied with my prayer and devotion time. Although I've always considered my relationship with God to be more fluid than formal, I do realize the need for and respect the presence of a degree of formality in my worship.
While pausing this morning, just lying in bed listening to the whispers of the Spirit, something came to me.
I may not complain a lot outwardly, but inwardly, I complain quite a bit. I stopped believing in that imaginary land called "Fair" a long time ago but every now and then, I have thoughts of it. "It's not fair that I'm raising my two children virtually alone". "It's not fair that their father takes his parenting role in an optional manner while mine is a requirement". "I don't have the luxury of waking up and saying, that I don't feel like doing this today". I've gone to work with bronchitis, and when I wasn't working with the full blown flu myself, I was home taking care of two sick children who also caught the flu at the same time. I'm the one who has to give my son breathing treatments when he needs them. I'm the one who thinks on down the line and tries to anticipate a disaster.
By now, I'm up and out of bed. I'm standing in the kitchen, packing my childrens' lunch boxes, still meditating on everything. Then, then thought comes to me, "What if your car's transmission complained as much as you do?" Huh? Ok God, what do you mean? He said to me, "When you're driving and approach a hill, you press on the gas and your car's transmission responds by shifting gears and transferring more power to the engine allowing the truck to move up the incline at the same speed that you were going on the straight-away. What if your transmission complained about working harder than the tires? What would you say?" I do answer God when He speaks, so I said, "I'd tell the transmission that's what you were built to do! Change gears and get ta haulin!"
Hmm.
And that's what He said to me.
Change gears. Adjust. Adapt. Shift. Lift. Do what you gotta do.
Stop complaining. This is what you were BUILT to do.
If a joint didn't flex it would cause pain and there would be no walking going on.
I was BUILT to adapt.
I was BUILT to bear.
I was BUILT to endure.
I was BUILT to adjust.
I was BUILT to empower others.
I was BUILT to bring order to chaos.
I was BUILT to bring comfort, peace and stability to those I love.
I was BUILT to last.
No longer will I look at my children's father in anger or disgust, thinking that I am somehow being treated unfairly. Yes, my burden is heavy but I was BUILT to carry it.
There are plenty of parents behind bars because they were not built to handle the load that has been placed on me. They took it out on their children and now those innocent little children are no longer alive.
But I was BUILT to handle this and handle it like a good transmission.
SHIFT and LIFT!
I may not be the best mom on the planet but I'm the best one for two children in particular. Nobody can do what I do like I do it because God BUILT me for it!
I'm done wallowing in defeat, frustration, anger and hurt. So WHAT he's not doing as much as me?
He CAN'T do as much as me.
He's not BUILT for this.
I was BUILT just for this!
And so are YOU.
Stressed Mom. Frustrated Mom. Overworked Mom. Under-appreciated Mom. Frazzled Mom.
I've been most of these at some point, and many right now.
I try to pause first thing in the morning now. I mean, literally pause. Once I realize that I'm conscious, no longer asleep and definitely not dreaming, I pause. I give God a moment to whisper to me because once my feet hit the carpet, it's lights, camera, action. There's outfits to coordinate, lunch boxes to pack, snacks to label, socks to match, hair to comb, teeth to brush, tears to wipe, car seats to buckle, laundry to sort, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up... on and on.
So I pause now, first thing in the morning. Dr. Mike Murdock said to give the Holy Spirit the first seven minutes of every single day. How delightfully simple that seemed to me. I for one feel at times a bit dissatisfied with my prayer and devotion time. Although I've always considered my relationship with God to be more fluid than formal, I do realize the need for and respect the presence of a degree of formality in my worship.
While pausing this morning, just lying in bed listening to the whispers of the Spirit, something came to me.
I may not complain a lot outwardly, but inwardly, I complain quite a bit. I stopped believing in that imaginary land called "Fair" a long time ago but every now and then, I have thoughts of it. "It's not fair that I'm raising my two children virtually alone". "It's not fair that their father takes his parenting role in an optional manner while mine is a requirement". "I don't have the luxury of waking up and saying, that I don't feel like doing this today". I've gone to work with bronchitis, and when I wasn't working with the full blown flu myself, I was home taking care of two sick children who also caught the flu at the same time. I'm the one who has to give my son breathing treatments when he needs them. I'm the one who thinks on down the line and tries to anticipate a disaster.
By now, I'm up and out of bed. I'm standing in the kitchen, packing my childrens' lunch boxes, still meditating on everything. Then, then thought comes to me, "What if your car's transmission complained as much as you do?" Huh? Ok God, what do you mean? He said to me, "When you're driving and approach a hill, you press on the gas and your car's transmission responds by shifting gears and transferring more power to the engine allowing the truck to move up the incline at the same speed that you were going on the straight-away. What if your transmission complained about working harder than the tires? What would you say?" I do answer God when He speaks, so I said, "I'd tell the transmission that's what you were built to do! Change gears and get ta haulin!"
Hmm.
And that's what He said to me.
Change gears. Adjust. Adapt. Shift. Lift. Do what you gotta do.
Stop complaining. This is what you were BUILT to do.
If a joint didn't flex it would cause pain and there would be no walking going on.
I was BUILT to adapt.
I was BUILT to bear.
I was BUILT to endure.
I was BUILT to adjust.
I was BUILT to empower others.
I was BUILT to bring order to chaos.
I was BUILT to bring comfort, peace and stability to those I love.
I was BUILT to last.
No longer will I look at my children's father in anger or disgust, thinking that I am somehow being treated unfairly. Yes, my burden is heavy but I was BUILT to carry it.
There are plenty of parents behind bars because they were not built to handle the load that has been placed on me. They took it out on their children and now those innocent little children are no longer alive.
But I was BUILT to handle this and handle it like a good transmission.
SHIFT and LIFT!
I may not be the best mom on the planet but I'm the best one for two children in particular. Nobody can do what I do like I do it because God BUILT me for it!
I'm done wallowing in defeat, frustration, anger and hurt. So WHAT he's not doing as much as me?
He CAN'T do as much as me.
He's not BUILT for this.
I was BUILT just for this!
And so are YOU.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Blah Days
Ok, so it's been a few minutes since I last posted on this here blog. I must admit I've been experiencing a bit of "writer's block".
Well, on second thought, let me be honest.
Melissa is RARELY at a loss for words or thought but sometimes, I'm just not so willing or even sure I want to share those words and thoughts. I understand the importance of speaking your truth but sometimes... a girl just aint too sure, ya know?
I try my best to keep it real and to be as uplifting and authentic as possible.
But I have "blah" days just like everyone else.
I wake up with my hair pushed up to one side at a sharp point.
I put very little effort into assembling an outfit.
Scrunchies sometimes substitute for bracelets.
The older I get, the tougher the ol' hormones are to deal with. I hit my thirties and soon came to the realization that the thirty something version of myself is a more mature model, true, but she's got plenty of tender spots, literally and figuratively.
Let's start with this bursitis that I used handy dandy WebMD.com to self diagnose. Yep, I do that too. LOL! Unexplained pain in my hips and shoulders that creeps up just before a storm system, wracks me with pain, makes my eyes water and sends me limping to my stash of ibuprofen only to vanish as quickly as it came.
And let's not forget about this light dusting of gray hair that seems to be occurring underneath my glorious jet black weave. SERIOUSLY?! I'm 33. Is it REALLY time to consult a colorist? Gray too soon, gray too soon. And to add insult to injury, my lifelong black curly hair will be replaced with straight, wiry grays. Haha! Gotta love the human body.
Some days I just don't feel spiritual...like today. lol! I am completely in love with God and His Word. Without His Word, I would not be where I am now nor would I even have the slightest interest in facing tomorrow apart from Him. But combined with unpredictable hormones, emotions, and those mysterious "blahs" that women tackle, I just don't feel connected. I know that I am ever before Him but sometimes I just don't feel so connected. It's in those moments that I tend to get a little quiet, a little withdrawn.
The last thing I want to do is speak as an oracle of me. What does that mean? I feel that in this day and time, people are somewhere close to DESPERATE to hear from God. What is His mind? How does He feel about the events in this world we live in? Is He displeased? Does He want us to move and act differently than we are? Knowing His will, discerning His voice in the midst of the crowd, and finding a resting place in the midst of busy work and chaos can be a challenge. Some days I feel like He's a mighty river flowing through me. Other days (like today) I feel like I'm under a slow leaky drain, waiting for the next drop of water to splash upon my parched soul.
Truth is, there will be days like this. Many, and not a few. There will be days that seem as if they are mundane, insignificant and I'd dare say, irrelevant. However, my faith tells me that God is always working. Always. Each day builds upon another. And another. They are all significant in the fabric of my life.
I'll make it through the "blahs". I'll get through the less than sensational days.
I'll make it through the days I get on my own nerves and put MYSELF in time out.
I'll get through them all victoriously because He's with me.
Well, on second thought, let me be honest.
Melissa is RARELY at a loss for words or thought but sometimes, I'm just not so willing or even sure I want to share those words and thoughts. I understand the importance of speaking your truth but sometimes... a girl just aint too sure, ya know?
I try my best to keep it real and to be as uplifting and authentic as possible.
But I have "blah" days just like everyone else.
I wake up with my hair pushed up to one side at a sharp point.
I put very little effort into assembling an outfit.
Scrunchies sometimes substitute for bracelets.
The older I get, the tougher the ol' hormones are to deal with. I hit my thirties and soon came to the realization that the thirty something version of myself is a more mature model, true, but she's got plenty of tender spots, literally and figuratively.
Let's start with this bursitis that I used handy dandy WebMD.com to self diagnose. Yep, I do that too. LOL! Unexplained pain in my hips and shoulders that creeps up just before a storm system, wracks me with pain, makes my eyes water and sends me limping to my stash of ibuprofen only to vanish as quickly as it came.
And let's not forget about this light dusting of gray hair that seems to be occurring underneath my glorious jet black weave. SERIOUSLY?! I'm 33. Is it REALLY time to consult a colorist? Gray too soon, gray too soon. And to add insult to injury, my lifelong black curly hair will be replaced with straight, wiry grays. Haha! Gotta love the human body.
Some days I just don't feel spiritual...like today. lol! I am completely in love with God and His Word. Without His Word, I would not be where I am now nor would I even have the slightest interest in facing tomorrow apart from Him. But combined with unpredictable hormones, emotions, and those mysterious "blahs" that women tackle, I just don't feel connected. I know that I am ever before Him but sometimes I just don't feel so connected. It's in those moments that I tend to get a little quiet, a little withdrawn.
The last thing I want to do is speak as an oracle of me. What does that mean? I feel that in this day and time, people are somewhere close to DESPERATE to hear from God. What is His mind? How does He feel about the events in this world we live in? Is He displeased? Does He want us to move and act differently than we are? Knowing His will, discerning His voice in the midst of the crowd, and finding a resting place in the midst of busy work and chaos can be a challenge. Some days I feel like He's a mighty river flowing through me. Other days (like today) I feel like I'm under a slow leaky drain, waiting for the next drop of water to splash upon my parched soul.
Truth is, there will be days like this. Many, and not a few. There will be days that seem as if they are mundane, insignificant and I'd dare say, irrelevant. However, my faith tells me that God is always working. Always. Each day builds upon another. And another. They are all significant in the fabric of my life.
I'll make it through the "blahs". I'll get through the less than sensational days.
I'll make it through the days I get on my own nerves and put MYSELF in time out.
I'll get through them all victoriously because He's with me.
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