Worthiness...

It's been longer than it should have been since my last post but my life has done both and major dip and major upswing since 2013. I took a much needed hiatus from blogging mainly because I found a job! Some of my highest viewed postings were made during my one and a half years without fulltime employment. The year 2013 was the year I found fulltime temporary work but not in time to save my home and car. I literally watched everything I worked hard for in my late 20's get hauled off or packed up and taken away. It was also during this time when my house was in foreclosure that I met the love of my life.
Literally while standing in the middle of my driveway commiserating with a friend on my cellphone about how I was under pressure to find someone to help me move (the notice to vacate was already in my hands) that the love of my life came motoring down my street in a white Ford Explorer with a trailer on the back. It wasn't love at first sight though. He was a mess. He had hair that was thick,  long and caught between trying to be dreads or braids and he had a cup of Crowne Royal mixed with Red Bull in his hand. Then he had two huge speakers in the back blaring Dominican music. I wasn't impressed. With his heavy accent he rolled his window down and asked, "Do you need your grass cut?" I replied, "No, but I need someone to help me move!' It was a hail mary pass. It was a shot in the dark. I'd been praying and asking everyone I could think of for help with moving but I was still coming up short. I had a 1400 square foot house to empty in a matter of days with only the help of two small children and my elderly mom. I was desperate.
So I asked the stranger with a cup of Crowne and crazy hair to help.
And he did.
And two days ago, he proposed and asked me to marry him.
I said "yes".

Now there's a whole lot of life that led up to that yes. There were a whole lot of conversations, heated discussions, 'come to Jesus" moments and most of all, CHANGE that took place that led up to the yes. I dropped 50 lbs. He cut his hair, stopped drinking so much and learned some patience. We both made some major changes but that's because we found each other to be worth it.
Without spending pages upon pages gushing on my guy, I'll summarize what the past 18 months of our committed relationship have been like in a simple thought:"He's the man that every woman deserves to have and he gives the love that every woman deserves to receive".
So that brings me to my current issue or I guess I should call it a "growth opportunity". As a single mom and as a woman over 35, and as an African American I don't have to go far to hear what the world thinks of my kind. Besides being in competition with the younger women I also have the nerve to have two children and then I have the audacity to be black, which is certainly not who far too many cultures deem worthy.
My fiance is Dominican. That's right, he's Hispanic. And I thought I knew what discrimination was until I had a older white male cashier completely ignore my fiance and turn all of his attention to me because he just could not stand the heaviness of his accent. I was shocked, angry and saddened. How could a man I adored be the object of anyone's disgust and prejudice? My mind was blown.
But I fear I'm getting off topic here. This isn't about interracial dating or even racism. It's about a single mama feeling unworthy of good love.
What do I mean by good love? I mean the kind of love that takes care of you mind, body and soul, checks on you to make sure you're ok. A love that shares the load, cooks, cleans and changes your oil. THAT kind of good loving. I don't speak for all single moms but I speak for enough of us when I say I found myself in way too many relationships that made me feel unworthy of a soul nourishing and mutually beneficial love.
And the truth is, I was getting in my own way more than once when it came to both attracting and receiving the love I longed for.

Should I Date A Man With Children?

You are single, beautiful and full of life.
You have also had your eye on an equally as energetic and intriguing man for some time now.
For the most part, he looks as if he could be "Mr. Wonderful".
There's only one issue: he has children.

For some of you ladies, this was, or quite possibly is still a deal breaker.

I'm not here to tell you what to do.
I'm just here to help you consider your options from as many angles as possible.

Here are a few things you need to keep in mind:

Not all fathers are created equal. If you ask a man if he has children and he seems all to eager to reassure you with this phrase, "Oh, I have a kid(s) but he/she doesn't live with me", then you quite possibly could be dealing with an individual who is proudly doing the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and has carefully arranged his life to make sure that his responsibilities do not interfere with his fun, and yes, you are a part of his "fun".

If he is a true father, he will be busy and you will not be first. Let me clear. If this man isn't your husband and you aren't his wife, neither of you should be in the number one spot anyway. Be thankful if your boo or "possi-boo" has placed you in their top five and make sure you arrange your priorities accordingly. If he has children then unexpected dates will pop up, inconveniences, cancellations and rescheduling of dates will occur. If he cares about you, he'll do his best to juggle things in such a way that he doesn't leave you hanging, but he won't be able to all of the time. If you absolutely must have 100% of his time and attention with little to no grace or room for negotiation, do yourself and this gentleman a favor and move on. Neither one of you may want to, but in the end, you'll save yourself and the other person a ton of frustration, not to mention the child or children will not be made to suffer because two adults can't get it together.

You need to pay attention to how he parents and his relationship to the mother of his children.  Now is not the time to go on cruise control and not pay close attention to how he parents. Is he a Disneyland Dad who makes each visit with his children so magical that all they do is smile, laugh and feast on candy? You need to know because this man is potentially manipulative. Don't think it's so important? Wait until you're the one who has to tell your child who has returned from a weekend of candy and no rules that they must now follow the rules. It's an underhanded way of frustrating the co-parent all to feed a personal desire to look like the better parent in the eyes of the children. He could also feel guilty for past wrongs and be attempting to make amends in a materialistic way. Either way, this isn't good parenting because whether we make mistakes or not, parents still must parent and be willing to guide their children in the right path. This cannot be done from a place of guilt. If you're not careful, you'll miss the warning signs, take the bait and believe you're dealing with a good father instead of a man who is merely overcompensating due to guilt or being overly lenient out of spite to his ex.

If he's an outstanding dad, you need to see this as well and acknowledge it. Does he treat the mother of his children with respect, even when frustrated with her? Does he speak respectfully of her in front of the children and reinforce the need of the children to respect her? Does he go above and beyond the confines of court orders to make sure that his children are adequately provided and cared for? Can he be inconvenienced by the needs and emergencies of his children? When you see your boo doing these things, do not hesitate to encourage and support his efforts. These types of men thrive with a strong, support woman by their side. Trust me, they will not take your support for granted. True single fathers understand the sacrifices real women must make to be with them and they are willing and able to show their appreciation for your support and commitment to making the relationship work.

So in conclusion, the choice is really yours but just as with any other significant decision, count up the costs. There is a cost involved in dating a man with children, especially when you do not have children of your own. However, if you approach the situation maturely, make observations and give him time to prove himself, as with any other relationship, it can be successful.

Dating A Man Who Has A Babymama: What You Should Know Before You're In Too Deep!

So many women have entered into relationships with men who have children thinking it would not be a factor only to discover it can be a major source of conflict in the relationship.

If you are a young woman who's considering a relationship with a man with children, here are some things you need to keep in mind:

If his child(ren) never interrupt his life, he is not parenting, he's visiting. So many single young women who do not have children of their own jump at a chance to be with a man who says he has kids but still seems to have plenty of time to wine, dine and cuddle up. If he's with you all the time, then when exactly is he with his children?  In the land of Responsibility,  things come up. School, doctors visits, teacher conferences and sporting events are just some of the time consuming things that are included in raising children. If your man's schedule is tied up by things unrelated to his children, take this as a warning. If you become pregnant, your child with him may have to endure this same absence.

If he's paying child support, make sure you're not being used to supplement his income. Yes, there are men who enter into relationships with women just to ease the financial burden that child support may be causing them. Understand that child support is not punishment but a responsibility and if he whines about having to pay it, chances are he's whining about having to shoulder other responsibilities that a grown man should be capable of bearing. Does he want to move in with you after knowing you only for a short while? Is he asking you directly for financial help or always conveniently bringing up his financial needs when you all are together? These are all red flags that should be taken heart attack seriously. You might be someone he's setting up to use and misuse.

If he's a stand up dad, you won't have all of his time. It's impossible for a responsible father to devote 100% of his energy, attention and resources to you. If you require 100, a man with children may not be the right move for you. Also, don't pretend to be cool with him having a babymama when you're really not. If you don't like the idea of another woman having your man's ear to any extent, do not get involved.  Save yourself the frustration and heartache.  Co-parenting means he will have to communicate with the mother of his children and their ease of communication due to familiarity may offend you, especially if you're just starting a relationship with him. Sure, you have a right to say if something bothers you. But for a good man, the priority is his child first, then you. Your emotions may hate this, but deep down, you know it shouldn't be any other way.

There are more points that will be made in part 2 but for now, please give these your thoughtful consideration.  Before you enter any relationship it's wise to count up the cost. Dealing with children outside of the relationship and babymamas can be more than a little challenging.  Better to hear the real now than to be slapped with it once your emotions are in too deep.

Questions about this topic?  Hit me up! Let me hear from you. Blessings.  -Mel

ANNOUNCEMENT!! "Diary" News!

In an effort to provide a more interactive platform to "Diary" readers, "Diary" can now be found on ask.fm! Just click on the link below and you will find a more convenient place to post your questions and receive more timely feedback. And who knows?  Your question could be one that is shared across social media platforms such as facebook and Twitter. Thanks again to those of you who continue to support this blog. Stay connected for more exciting updates! -Mel
http://ask.fm/DiaryBabyMama

The Truth About Boaz...

What woman doesn't treasure a good love story? Christian women are no exception. Tales of love like that of Jacob and Rachel, Solomon and the maiden in the Song of Solomon, and yes, Ruth and Boaz, captivate us. Many a fiery sermon has been preached, encouraging single women to trust God for their Boaz and to hang in there, despite the disappointments they face.
But wouldn't it be nice to know who Boaz actually is so that we know what we're looking for?

I enjoy reading the Word of God and of course, I find the book of Ruth encouraging. But upon deeper study of the text, I came across some interesting facts about the alledged "love birds" we single ladies have been admonished to emulate.

First, Ruth was a widow and at that time, being a widow spelled an immediate decline in social and economic status. All three women: Naomi, Ruth and Orpah were widows. That means, all three women were impoverished. They had nothing. Their husbands were dead leaving them with no protection and sustaining wealth.

So who was Boaz? Boaz was a kinsman of Naomi's deceased husband. But upon further examination of the text, we discover that Boaz was an elderly man.
That's right... ELDERLY.
How old you ask? Some estimate his age to be around 80 year old.
Ruth at the time of the story was said to have been close to the age of 40.
How's that for perspective?

So while everyone's praying, "Send me my Boaz", most have no real working understanding of who they're referring to.

Was the relationship between Ruth and Boaz one of romance or a divine connect that brought much needed assistance to Ruth and Naomi?
Much is made about love and romance in western culture, but in the time of the bible, marriage and relationships were of higher honor and for a greater purpose. Marriages united nations, established communities, and delivered the poor from oppression and misery.

How's the "send me my Boaz" prayer sounding now?
There's nothing wrong with praying and asking God to send you a mate. I highly recommend that men and women seek the face of God for their spouses. However, when it comes to deciding on who we will marry, if we're going to use scripture as our basis, we must respect the text we reference.
In the case of Ruth and Boaz, a woman must ask herself, "Does this relationship meet my needs?" Already I feel people tightening up with that statement. Most people are clamouring for women to be independent and to "have their own". It takes an acceptional man to want to step into a role in a woman's life that meets a need for her. Many would prefer that she meet his.
But if we're looking at scripture, what did Ruth have to offer Boaz?
Was it houses? Land? Gold or silver?
No.
She had nothing.
Did Ruth earn the honor of having an entire book of the bible named after her because she fought her way up the corporate ladder and presented Boaz with a hefty bank account of her own and assets to boot? No. She earned a spot in the bible because of her faith. She believed in the God of her mother-in-law, Naomi.
She was also faithful. When her circumstances told her it would be more profitable for her to leave Naomi because she was younger and still had time to remarry and reestablish herself elsewhere, she remained faithful to the family that was a blessing to her. She said to Naomi, "Entreat me not to leave thee". She was firmly planted and committed.
Boaz doesn't represent a knight in shining armor as many would presume. He's much greater than that. Boaz was a rich, elderly man who had the power to bless Ruth. In fact, we glean from the text that he felt honored that Ruth would even consider him for her kinsman redeemer, given his age and her youth.
The truth is that when it comes to your life and your relationships, they should serve a greater purpose than fulfilling sexual desires and pleasures. Maybe you have a dream or vision for your life that seems far greater than anything you could accomplish on your own. How does the man or woman you're considering as a spouse help meet the need of your vision?
Your "Boaz" may not fit the physical description of what society says you should aspire for. But he may be the one who unlocks your destiny and propels you forward into your destiny.
Imagine what would have become of not only Ruth, but Naomi also had Ruth been superficial instead of cognizant of her need and Boaz's position to meet it? No doubt there were countless other fellows Ruth could have considered, but only Boaz had the respect of Naomi and the answer to her need, all at the same time.
The truth about Boaz is that he's not necessarily the man of your dreams. Instead, he will be the man of your purpose and destiny, and you, his.

Listen Up Girlfriend, Baby Daddy and Baby Mama!!

Knock knock...
It's me! I do apologize to those of you who've been waiting on me to post. My schedule has changed (which is a good thing and a blessing) but as a result, my priorities have also changed.
I am constantly re-evaluating the way I've structured my time for the benefit of my children.
That's our responsibility as moms- as LEADERS. We must constantly have our finger on the pulse of our families and make the necessary adjustments to provide the support that's needed.

I want to encourage those of you who come to my blog hoping to glean some insight into the mind of a baby mama. I want you to know that many of us are God fearing, loving moms. That's all. No horns, antlers, or pitch forks. The posts concerning baby mamas, girlfriends and baby daddies has gone through the roof in views. It's amazing but it's also an indication to me that this is a very real dynamic in the lives of young women today.
I want to say to you women who may have come across my blog desperate for answers that are facing you in your own relationship to FREE YOURSELF.

If you're a girlfriend acting like his wife, FREE yourself.
If you're a baby mama still acting like your baby daddy's girlfriend, FREE yourself.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant and plenty of hard work. And that hard work shouldn't be done for free. You owe it yourself to get paid in FULL with respect, dignity, honor and commitment. Any man that's not paying you in those big bills is short changing you.

It's time to resign.

Dating should be fun. If you are unmarried, you should enjoy your freedom. I'm not saying you should be free to sleep around and engage in lascivious and dangerous behaviors, but there should be a freedom to enjoy the life God gave you. You are not a married woman so why pretend to be one? Trust me, there are plenty of married women who wish in the backs of their minds that they'd fully appreciated their single season just a bit more. That's not to say that they aren't completely in love with their husbands. But every season makes us long for the one that just passed. Think about it... when it's summertime, we miss Fall weather and so on.
So enjoy your singleness and make sure you have the CORRECT definition of singleness before you get involved with a man.

Living with him, sharing bills, cooking, cleaning and sleeping with him are all marriage duties. You're doing just a bit too much if you're a girlfriend doing all these things. It's time to fall back and get back to the life that used to be enjoyable; the life you had before you had to pretend to be the wife of someone that you're not; the life you had before you were worrying about what his family treating you with respect. The life you had before you were competing with his baby mama for his affection.  That means he lives in his OWN house and you live in yours. He has his own bills to pay and you do too. Your body is YOURS until he puts a ring on his finger, not his to play with whenever he takes the notion. It's tough to think like a girlfriend because our culture has convinced us that being a girlfriend is essentially the same as being a wife. But that's not what the scriptures tell us and that's not what the Word requires of us. The scriptures tell us that husband and wife become one flesh; when God sees a man and his wife, He sees one being, not two. If you're "one flesh" you don't get to break up and become "two flesh" when somebody makes you mad. But when you take on the role and duties of a wife under the girlfriend umbrella, you quickly find yourself being frustrated and disrespected. That's because there is an honor that is bestowed on a woman who is called "wife". Never rob yourself or allow anyone to rob you of the honor you are due.
Free yourself.

Can we be honest? You may love your man (at times) but there are many times when you're holding on simply because you're too proud to let go. If you let go, his baby mama wins.. or his family that never liked you wins, or your family who told you to leave him, wins. But who's really losing in this situation? You are. There's no joy in feeling like you have to compete for your man' affection or wondering when he and his baby mama will ever stop crossing the line or when his family will ever stop treating you like the red headed stepchild.  Where's the joy and peace in that? Free yourself.

And baby mama, you need to free yourself also. Don't be any man's doormat. Yes, you have his children but you do not have to keep the light on for him. He's in your bed, her bed, and whoever else's bed but you're tolerating this for WHY? Because you two have children? Check this out.. would you want your daughter settling for that? Would you want your son treating a woman like that? If it's not good enough for them, it shouldn't be good enough for you. It's time you loved yourself for the sake of the little ones who love you more. Free yourself from the emotional roller coaster, the false hope, the manipulation and the pain of the past. Draw lines in the sand and enforce your boundaries.

My overwhelming emotion from the comments that I've read so far concerning my blogs about baby mamas, girlfriends, and baby daddies is sadness. I'm sad for women who feel the need to juggle so much drama everyday instead of just deciding not to play the game anymore. I want you to see that what you're dealing with is not even necessary. You don't have to figure out how to deal with a baby mama if you're not his wife. That's not even something that should be on your plate as a girlfriend. That's HIS property and HIS problem. Let a man be a man and let him work out his OWN messy situations. Any man that truly loves you will prepare a place for you in his life. He'll cut off who he needs to cut off, remove himself from whatever needs to be removed and he'll do this BEFORE he meets you because he's ready.  If the man you're with hasn't prepared a place in his life for you, you'll spend all your time and energy trying to carve out a space for yourself, which you shouldn't have to do and you're not guaranteed to be successful doing it.
Well, I hope this helps you to think about your situation a little bit clearer and to think differently about how you're handling the circumstances in your relationship. Keep your life as simple as you possibly can. Anything that robs you of your peace and joy needs to go!

"How Do I Know if My Man is Over His Baby Mama"?

Believe it or not, this question is one of several questions responsible for the sudden uptick in traffic to my blog. Women want answers. And here's one thing I know for sure: "In every situation, God has something to say".

Now, you may not like my answer. Let's go ahead and settle that now. But I promise you, my answer comes from a desire to know the will of God in any given situation as well as a desire to help someone overcome an issue in their lives.

Whether a man has children with another woman or not, the fact that he was an ex can be cause for concern in a woman's mind.  If you are a girlfriend, fiancee or wife and you have concerns about whether or not your boyfriend, fiance, or husband still has some feelings for the mother of his children, here's what you should do:

Understand that your security in a relationship is HIS responsibility. Likewise, his security in a relationship is YOURS.  What do I mean by this? I mean that as his woman, it's your job to assure him that none of your old flames play any part in your current life. You do this by not speaking of your ex, showing contentment in your current relationship and making sure that all of your affection is towards your mate.
If you are insecure in your relationship with your man, then that means that your man isn't doing his job, point blank.

I know this is hard to swallow because so many people (perhaps even your man) have laid the burden of your security on you. You've probably been accused of being insecure to the point you doubt yourself and don't trust what your eyes see and your ears hear anymore.

But your security is his responsibility. He should do everything within his power to reassure you and  give you tangible proof of his fidelity and commitment to you.
And guess what? That's not too much to ask because it's something you do on a daily basis without thinking.

Are you a woman of your word? When you say you're going somewhere, is that exactly where you go? Do you flirt with your ex? If you can answer questions like these positively, then you have to ask yourself, "Why can't he?"

And here's where things get really real...

If you are in a relationship with someone who isn't doing what you're doing, you must be willing to ask yourself, "Why am I settling for this?"
There are plenty of men who have children but know how to treat their women in their current relationship. They know how to make their women feel secure, and they are men of character and integrity.
Children outside of a relationship doesn't spell automatic drama for everyone. Some men and women have worked it out and everyone involved is respected and knows their role and their place.

The question is, why have YOU settled for less?

The truth is, there is no way to ever truly know the heart of a man. But you can go by what you see and hear in order to make an intelligent decision. If your eyes and ears are telling you that things between your man and his "baby mama" are not over and done, then no matter what he's telling you, you know what the truth is. Who are you going to trust? Are you going to trust your conscience (that comes from God) or a human being who constantly tells you that you're insecure?

It takes a high level of maturity to be able to leave a relationship with children and begin a new relationship and put the appropriate boundaries in place. If your man isn't mature, then most likely, you're experiencing the frustration that comes along with it.
At the end of the day, your relationship belongs to your man and yourself. If you are not happy with the relationship, there is no one to blame but the two of you.

Forget outsiders for a moment. Outsiders can only come inside if someone on the inside lets them in.

It's time you took an honest assessment of your relationship and had the difficult conversations with your man that are necessary to address your concerns.

If you cannot communicate with your man openly about how you feel, then that is an even greater problem than any "baby mama" could ever present to you.

You don't have a man's heart until you can influence his decisions. If your man does what he wants to do with little to no regard for how you feel and how it affects you, then you do not have his heart. You may share bills and a bed, but you do not have a relationship. The woman who has his heart (the woman he respects enough to care about her opinion and govern his actions accordingly) is the woman who has his heart.

So before you can ask "Is he over his baby mama"...
You must first ask and answer, "do I have his heart?"