Dating A Man Who Has A Babymama: What You Should Know Before You're In Too Deep!

So many women have entered into relationships with men who have children thinking it would not be a factor only to discover it can be a major source of conflict in the relationship.

If you are a young woman who's considering a relationship with a man with children, here are some things you need to keep in mind:

If his child(ren) never interrupt his life, he is not parenting, he's visiting. So many single young women who do not have children of their own jump at a chance to be with a man who says he has kids but still seems to have plenty of time to wine, dine and cuddle up. If he's with you all the time, then when exactly is he with his children?  In the land of Responsibility,  things come up. School, doctors visits, teacher conferences and sporting events are just some of the time consuming things that are included in raising children. If your man's schedule is tied up by things unrelated to his children, take this as a warning. If you become pregnant, your child with him may have to endure this same absence.

If he's paying child support, make sure you're not being used to supplement his income. Yes, there are men who enter into relationships with women just to ease the financial burden that child support may be causing them. Understand that child support is not punishment but a responsibility and if he whines about having to pay it, chances are he's whining about having to shoulder other responsibilities that a grown man should be capable of bearing. Does he want to move in with you after knowing you only for a short while? Is he asking you directly for financial help or always conveniently bringing up his financial needs when you all are together? These are all red flags that should be taken heart attack seriously. You might be someone he's setting up to use and misuse.

If he's a stand up dad, you won't have all of his time. It's impossible for a responsible father to devote 100% of his energy, attention and resources to you. If you require 100, a man with children may not be the right move for you. Also, don't pretend to be cool with him having a babymama when you're really not. If you don't like the idea of another woman having your man's ear to any extent, do not get involved.  Save yourself the frustration and heartache.  Co-parenting means he will have to communicate with the mother of his children and their ease of communication due to familiarity may offend you, especially if you're just starting a relationship with him. Sure, you have a right to say if something bothers you. But for a good man, the priority is his child first, then you. Your emotions may hate this, but deep down, you know it shouldn't be any other way.

There are more points that will be made in part 2 but for now, please give these your thoughtful consideration.  Before you enter any relationship it's wise to count up the cost. Dealing with children outside of the relationship and babymamas can be more than a little challenging.  Better to hear the real now than to be slapped with it once your emotions are in too deep.

Questions about this topic?  Hit me up! Let me hear from you. Blessings.  -Mel

ANNOUNCEMENT!! "Diary" News!

In an effort to provide a more interactive platform to "Diary" readers, "Diary" can now be found on ask.fm! Just click on the link below and you will find a more convenient place to post your questions and receive more timely feedback. And who knows?  Your question could be one that is shared across social media platforms such as facebook and Twitter. Thanks again to those of you who continue to support this blog. Stay connected for more exciting updates! -Mel
http://ask.fm/DiaryBabyMama

The Truth About Boaz...

What woman doesn't treasure a good love story? Christian women are no exception. Tales of love like that of Jacob and Rachel, Solomon and the maiden in the Song of Solomon, and yes, Ruth and Boaz, captivate us. Many a fiery sermon has been preached, encouraging single women to trust God for their Boaz and to hang in there, despite the disappointments they face.
But wouldn't it be nice to know who Boaz actually is so that we know what we're looking for?

I enjoy reading the Word of God and of course, I find the book of Ruth encouraging. But upon deeper study of the text, I came across some interesting facts about the alledged "love birds" we single ladies have been admonished to emulate.

First, Ruth was a widow and at that time, being a widow spelled an immediate decline in social and economic status. All three women: Naomi, Ruth and Orpah were widows. That means, all three women were impoverished. They had nothing. Their husbands were dead leaving them with no protection and sustaining wealth.

So who was Boaz? Boaz was a kinsman of Naomi's deceased husband. But upon further examination of the text, we discover that Boaz was an elderly man.
That's right... ELDERLY.
How old you ask? Some estimate his age to be around 80 year old.
Ruth at the time of the story was said to have been close to the age of 40.
How's that for perspective?

So while everyone's praying, "Send me my Boaz", most have no real working understanding of who they're referring to.

Was the relationship between Ruth and Boaz one of romance or a divine connect that brought much needed assistance to Ruth and Naomi?
Much is made about love and romance in western culture, but in the time of the bible, marriage and relationships were of higher honor and for a greater purpose. Marriages united nations, established communities, and delivered the poor from oppression and misery.

How's the "send me my Boaz" prayer sounding now?
There's nothing wrong with praying and asking God to send you a mate. I highly recommend that men and women seek the face of God for their spouses. However, when it comes to deciding on who we will marry, if we're going to use scripture as our basis, we must respect the text we reference.
In the case of Ruth and Boaz, a woman must ask herself, "Does this relationship meet my needs?" Already I feel people tightening up with that statement. Most people are clamouring for women to be independent and to "have their own". It takes an acceptional man to want to step into a role in a woman's life that meets a need for her. Many would prefer that she meet his.
But if we're looking at scripture, what did Ruth have to offer Boaz?
Was it houses? Land? Gold or silver?
No.
She had nothing.
Did Ruth earn the honor of having an entire book of the bible named after her because she fought her way up the corporate ladder and presented Boaz with a hefty bank account of her own and assets to boot? No. She earned a spot in the bible because of her faith. She believed in the God of her mother-in-law, Naomi.
She was also faithful. When her circumstances told her it would be more profitable for her to leave Naomi because she was younger and still had time to remarry and reestablish herself elsewhere, she remained faithful to the family that was a blessing to her. She said to Naomi, "Entreat me not to leave thee". She was firmly planted and committed.
Boaz doesn't represent a knight in shining armor as many would presume. He's much greater than that. Boaz was a rich, elderly man who had the power to bless Ruth. In fact, we glean from the text that he felt honored that Ruth would even consider him for her kinsman redeemer, given his age and her youth.
The truth is that when it comes to your life and your relationships, they should serve a greater purpose than fulfilling sexual desires and pleasures. Maybe you have a dream or vision for your life that seems far greater than anything you could accomplish on your own. How does the man or woman you're considering as a spouse help meet the need of your vision?
Your "Boaz" may not fit the physical description of what society says you should aspire for. But he may be the one who unlocks your destiny and propels you forward into your destiny.
Imagine what would have become of not only Ruth, but Naomi also had Ruth been superficial instead of cognizant of her need and Boaz's position to meet it? No doubt there were countless other fellows Ruth could have considered, but only Boaz had the respect of Naomi and the answer to her need, all at the same time.
The truth about Boaz is that he's not necessarily the man of your dreams. Instead, he will be the man of your purpose and destiny, and you, his.

Listen Up Girlfriend, Baby Daddy and Baby Mama!!

Knock knock...
It's me! I do apologize to those of you who've been waiting on me to post. My schedule has changed (which is a good thing and a blessing) but as a result, my priorities have also changed.
I am constantly re-evaluating the way I've structured my time for the benefit of my children.
That's our responsibility as moms- as LEADERS. We must constantly have our finger on the pulse of our families and make the necessary adjustments to provide the support that's needed.

I want to encourage those of you who come to my blog hoping to glean some insight into the mind of a baby mama. I want you to know that many of us are God fearing, loving moms. That's all. No horns, antlers, or pitch forks. The posts concerning baby mamas, girlfriends and baby daddies has gone through the roof in views. It's amazing but it's also an indication to me that this is a very real dynamic in the lives of young women today.
I want to say to you women who may have come across my blog desperate for answers that are facing you in your own relationship to FREE YOURSELF.

If you're a girlfriend acting like his wife, FREE yourself.
If you're a baby mama still acting like your baby daddy's girlfriend, FREE yourself.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant and plenty of hard work. And that hard work shouldn't be done for free. You owe it yourself to get paid in FULL with respect, dignity, honor and commitment. Any man that's not paying you in those big bills is short changing you.

It's time to resign.

Dating should be fun. If you are unmarried, you should enjoy your freedom. I'm not saying you should be free to sleep around and engage in lascivious and dangerous behaviors, but there should be a freedom to enjoy the life God gave you. You are not a married woman so why pretend to be one? Trust me, there are plenty of married women who wish in the backs of their minds that they'd fully appreciated their single season just a bit more. That's not to say that they aren't completely in love with their husbands. But every season makes us long for the one that just passed. Think about it... when it's summertime, we miss Fall weather and so on.
So enjoy your singleness and make sure you have the CORRECT definition of singleness before you get involved with a man.

Living with him, sharing bills, cooking, cleaning and sleeping with him are all marriage duties. You're doing just a bit too much if you're a girlfriend doing all these things. It's time to fall back and get back to the life that used to be enjoyable; the life you had before you had to pretend to be the wife of someone that you're not; the life you had before you were worrying about what his family treating you with respect. The life you had before you were competing with his baby mama for his affection.  That means he lives in his OWN house and you live in yours. He has his own bills to pay and you do too. Your body is YOURS until he puts a ring on his finger, not his to play with whenever he takes the notion. It's tough to think like a girlfriend because our culture has convinced us that being a girlfriend is essentially the same as being a wife. But that's not what the scriptures tell us and that's not what the Word requires of us. The scriptures tell us that husband and wife become one flesh; when God sees a man and his wife, He sees one being, not two. If you're "one flesh" you don't get to break up and become "two flesh" when somebody makes you mad. But when you take on the role and duties of a wife under the girlfriend umbrella, you quickly find yourself being frustrated and disrespected. That's because there is an honor that is bestowed on a woman who is called "wife". Never rob yourself or allow anyone to rob you of the honor you are due.
Free yourself.

Can we be honest? You may love your man (at times) but there are many times when you're holding on simply because you're too proud to let go. If you let go, his baby mama wins.. or his family that never liked you wins, or your family who told you to leave him, wins. But who's really losing in this situation? You are. There's no joy in feeling like you have to compete for your man' affection or wondering when he and his baby mama will ever stop crossing the line or when his family will ever stop treating you like the red headed stepchild.  Where's the joy and peace in that? Free yourself.

And baby mama, you need to free yourself also. Don't be any man's doormat. Yes, you have his children but you do not have to keep the light on for him. He's in your bed, her bed, and whoever else's bed but you're tolerating this for WHY? Because you two have children? Check this out.. would you want your daughter settling for that? Would you want your son treating a woman like that? If it's not good enough for them, it shouldn't be good enough for you. It's time you loved yourself for the sake of the little ones who love you more. Free yourself from the emotional roller coaster, the false hope, the manipulation and the pain of the past. Draw lines in the sand and enforce your boundaries.

My overwhelming emotion from the comments that I've read so far concerning my blogs about baby mamas, girlfriends, and baby daddies is sadness. I'm sad for women who feel the need to juggle so much drama everyday instead of just deciding not to play the game anymore. I want you to see that what you're dealing with is not even necessary. You don't have to figure out how to deal with a baby mama if you're not his wife. That's not even something that should be on your plate as a girlfriend. That's HIS property and HIS problem. Let a man be a man and let him work out his OWN messy situations. Any man that truly loves you will prepare a place for you in his life. He'll cut off who he needs to cut off, remove himself from whatever needs to be removed and he'll do this BEFORE he meets you because he's ready.  If the man you're with hasn't prepared a place in his life for you, you'll spend all your time and energy trying to carve out a space for yourself, which you shouldn't have to do and you're not guaranteed to be successful doing it.
Well, I hope this helps you to think about your situation a little bit clearer and to think differently about how you're handling the circumstances in your relationship. Keep your life as simple as you possibly can. Anything that robs you of your peace and joy needs to go!

"How Do I Know if My Man is Over His Baby Mama"?

Believe it or not, this question is one of several questions responsible for the sudden uptick in traffic to my blog. Women want answers. And here's one thing I know for sure: "In every situation, God has something to say".

Now, you may not like my answer. Let's go ahead and settle that now. But I promise you, my answer comes from a desire to know the will of God in any given situation as well as a desire to help someone overcome an issue in their lives.

Whether a man has children with another woman or not, the fact that he was an ex can be cause for concern in a woman's mind.  If you are a girlfriend, fiancee or wife and you have concerns about whether or not your boyfriend, fiance, or husband still has some feelings for the mother of his children, here's what you should do:

Understand that your security in a relationship is HIS responsibility. Likewise, his security in a relationship is YOURS.  What do I mean by this? I mean that as his woman, it's your job to assure him that none of your old flames play any part in your current life. You do this by not speaking of your ex, showing contentment in your current relationship and making sure that all of your affection is towards your mate.
If you are insecure in your relationship with your man, then that means that your man isn't doing his job, point blank.

I know this is hard to swallow because so many people (perhaps even your man) have laid the burden of your security on you. You've probably been accused of being insecure to the point you doubt yourself and don't trust what your eyes see and your ears hear anymore.

But your security is his responsibility. He should do everything within his power to reassure you and  give you tangible proof of his fidelity and commitment to you.
And guess what? That's not too much to ask because it's something you do on a daily basis without thinking.

Are you a woman of your word? When you say you're going somewhere, is that exactly where you go? Do you flirt with your ex? If you can answer questions like these positively, then you have to ask yourself, "Why can't he?"

And here's where things get really real...

If you are in a relationship with someone who isn't doing what you're doing, you must be willing to ask yourself, "Why am I settling for this?"
There are plenty of men who have children but know how to treat their women in their current relationship. They know how to make their women feel secure, and they are men of character and integrity.
Children outside of a relationship doesn't spell automatic drama for everyone. Some men and women have worked it out and everyone involved is respected and knows their role and their place.

The question is, why have YOU settled for less?

The truth is, there is no way to ever truly know the heart of a man. But you can go by what you see and hear in order to make an intelligent decision. If your eyes and ears are telling you that things between your man and his "baby mama" are not over and done, then no matter what he's telling you, you know what the truth is. Who are you going to trust? Are you going to trust your conscience (that comes from God) or a human being who constantly tells you that you're insecure?

It takes a high level of maturity to be able to leave a relationship with children and begin a new relationship and put the appropriate boundaries in place. If your man isn't mature, then most likely, you're experiencing the frustration that comes along with it.
At the end of the day, your relationship belongs to your man and yourself. If you are not happy with the relationship, there is no one to blame but the two of you.

Forget outsiders for a moment. Outsiders can only come inside if someone on the inside lets them in.

It's time you took an honest assessment of your relationship and had the difficult conversations with your man that are necessary to address your concerns.

If you cannot communicate with your man openly about how you feel, then that is an even greater problem than any "baby mama" could ever present to you.

You don't have a man's heart until you can influence his decisions. If your man does what he wants to do with little to no regard for how you feel and how it affects you, then you do not have his heart. You may share bills and a bed, but you do not have a relationship. The woman who has his heart (the woman he respects enough to care about her opinion and govern his actions accordingly) is the woman who has his heart.

So before you can ask "Is he over his baby mama"...
You must first ask and answer, "do I have his heart?"

Live Right

I just recently watched the very embarrassing and very public confession of a well known American athlete who finally admitted to doping after years of allegation and investigation.  While riding in the car with my mom this morning, we talked a little about this former athlete and I immediately began drawing the lesson from his mistakes to my own life.

You see, we live in a society that seems to think that doing the right thing should be easy. If doing the right thing was easy, more people would do it. If honesty and integrity were maintained without effort, more would display it. But the truth is, sometimes doing the right thing comes at a heavy price.
Sometimes it puts you on a lonely road while everyone else gets to travel in groups, with style and comfort. And more often still, righteousness sometimes looks like one missed opportunity after another.

There was an athlete (and I'm sure many more) who competed during the same time as this disgraced athlete did. I'm sure the days he trained for hours, gave up his favorite foods and spent time away from family and friends were painful. I'm sure there was a pain in his heart as this now disgraced athlete mounted the winner's podium, waving his trophy in the air- the reward for his cheating, lies and dishonesty seemingly heaped with double honor. Somewhere, a man of integrity came in last place or maybe didn't even place at all. Somewhere he went home to family and friends who encouraged him, telling him, "Better luck next year sweetheart! You trained hard. You did the work. One day, it'll pay off". I'm sure he wanted to believe them but while watching his opponent (who eventually was found to be a cheater) accept endorsement deal after endorsement deal while he struggled to pay his bills was a bit more than he could take.

Again I say...
Doing right is not always easy.

Stop expecting it to be and for GOODNESS SAKE stop raising your children to look for the easy way out.
How are we raising them to take the easy way out, you ask?
We raise them by example. How are YOU constantly faltering when the going gets tough?
How often do you murmur and complain when challenges come knocking at your door?
How often does the prosperity of the wicked make you despise your own labor, wrought in the furnaces of hard work and integrity?

Way more often than any of us care to admit.
But admit, we must.
We must all confess, just like this athlete, and tell the truth.
We must confess that yes, it is easy to do the wrong thing. The right thing is unappealing. The road looks rugged. The land looks sparse. The grass is greener on the easy side.

Here's one thing we who believe in the Lord must reconcile today.

You'll always find God on the "right" side of things. I don't care how difficult your circumstances may appear, particularly after you take a stand to do things in a godly and righteous way. God is with you.
Did you hear what I just said?

GOD is with you.

As the world looks upon the shame of this athlete who spent decades beating the "system" only to be taken down by the system he so arrogantly defied, we can't help but wonder, is it really worth it?
Is it worth it to build a house for decades out of cards?
You see, building on unrighteous deeds and wickedness makes just about as much sense as building an entire house out of cards. No matter how much time you put into building it, at the end of the day, it's still cards.
And no matter how much time you invest in lies, unrighteousness and wickedness, it's still wickedness.

In a day and age filled with compromise and darkness, not enough is said about righteousness and integrity.

The scriptures declare, " He who covers his transgressions will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes his sins will obtain mercy".  We should seek to live by this scripture found in Proverbs. There's only so long you can cover up sin and wickedness. There's only so long you can "get by". But if you live righteously, honestly, and integrally, you will obtain mercy.

And not only that, you will have built a legacy that cannot be shaken and stripped from you.

Live Right.

Sunday Sound Bite: A Pencil's Wisdom...

One of the greatest inventions that the world has ever known (and there are many that we could list) is the #2 pencil. Pretty simple object, right? Let's look at it a little closer.

What a genius idea it was to attach an eraser to one end of a writing device. Unlike the ink pen, there would be no need abandon the whole document and certainly, no need to start over. All one has to do is "flip the end", use the attached eraser to erase the mistake, and continue writing.

The Grace of God is to your life what a #2 pencil is to a document.

There's no reason to stop, even if you've made a mistake. Simply flip the end (repent), use your eraser (ask God for His help and accept His Grace) and continue on your journey. Sure, you may still see traces of the past on your pages. But our lives aren't final drafts. You cannot be perfected until your story is first completed. And you cannot complete your story if you quit.


I hope you never look at a #2 pencil the same again.

What's A Man To Do? Part 2

What Should The Wives, Girlfriends, And Babymamas Do?
It's unfortunate that many women do not have a man that is able or willing to take the lead in a situation like this. Sometimes your husband or boyfriend is just so frustrated that he has decided he will not engage the situation anymore or even discuss it. So, what should the women, who are often left in the aftermath, do?

Well, here's one thing that I know. You stand a better chance of involving your husband or significant other in the discussions necessary to raise the family if you make an effort and decision to make peace between yourself and the other woman on your own. This is very hard to do. But nothing about being a family is easy. Nothing about being in a relationship is without difficulty and at many junctures, sacrifice. If you are in love with this man, then you must be willing to make sacrifices in order to move past whatever is holding you back. That may mean forgiving a "baby mama" who disrespected you numerous times, in some very egregious ways. This may take some time to do, but this is something that YOU can be working on and occupying your time with instead of worrying about your husband or his baby mamas.

The same goes for "baby mama". You may need to forgive your "baby daddy" for his disrespect and even for the wrong he has committed against your children.
Forgiveness is not an easy process and it may take time. But you must, at some point, begin the process that will lead you to forgiving the father of your children and his significant other. No one can fault you for being hurt. But you are at fault for holding on to that hurt in the form of bitterness. If you have an issue with his current relationship, work on releasing her by forgiving her as well. Again, this is not easy to do, but just because it isn't easy, it doesn't mean it's impossible.

You see, we are all guilty of engaging in very heated and emotional exchanges with other people that distract us from the very real need we have to deal with and get OURSELVES right. What am I saying? I'm saying that this bad blood between everyone is nothing more than a distraction that keeps you from doing the very real, very painful, but very necessary work of improving yourself.

Don't Forget To Pray!
You're going to need prayer in order to let go of all of the mean words and deeds done to you by all parties involved. So what are you waiting on? No girlfriend, wife, baby mama or baby daddy has to tell you to get a prayer life. That is something YOU need to do. And I'm not talking about a half hearted prayer you do right before you curse someone out. I'm talking about carving out a very specific time of each day to seek God. My time is 12 noon. For others, it may be 5am before everyone wakes up and the day is busy and in full swing. Whatever the time, SET it and stick to it. When you make God a priority in your life, I guarantee you, He'll make your circumstances His priority. There's no better place to find peace, joy and direction than in His presence. And guess what, just like a natural relationship, it takes time to create a spiritual relationship. But just because it takes time and doesn't materialize instantly, doesn't mean that it's not taking place. I promise you, if you take 12 months to establish a very real place of prayer in your life for God, you will find that you're not in the same place that you were mentally, emotionally or spiritually than when you first began.

Buy A Journal And Use It!
Let's face it. Sometimes you just need to get it out. But the problem often is in where we choose to release things. Let me put it this way. The bathroom is not in the kitchen for a reason. And your venting sessions need not be everywhere either. Families take sides. Friends have problems of their own. Now that you're establishing a prayer life, buy a journal and begin to write in those moments that you feel the urge to call up a girlfriend who will be your cheerleader when very often, you don't need one. In 12 months, go back to your first journal entry and begin to read. One of the greatest things about journaling when you are angry, sad or depressed is that often, in hindsight, you're able to gain perspective on those things that caused you so much grief in the past. More often than not, you'll ask yourself, "Was I really upset over THAT?!" or better yet, "I can't believe that was such a big deal to me!" Journaling gives you a chance to be your own critic which very often, we don't take the time to do because we're so busy being critical of everyone else.

Support Him!
Listen up ladies. There are plenty of men out there who may not be perfect communicators but they have stepped up to the plate and are trying their best to display a godly character in the midst of circumstances that are the result of not so godly actions. If you've been blessed to be in relationship or have children with such a man, please support him! Let him know that you appreciate his efforts to be in his children's lives and to show respect to their mom. Let him know that you appreciate how he does his best to acknowledge and respect you as his wife or as his woman. Being a man is not easy. That's why so many men won't do it. Leaders take all the criticism and all the blame, they don't shift it onto others. The buck stops with them. They're supposed to make sense of things and provide direction.

Cut him some slack on the days he doesn't come off as Prince Charming. Mamas cut the father(s) of your children some slack, particularly if they're making a sincere effort to get it right. Never, ever, ever kick a man that's trying. And before you kick anyone, examine your own heart and your own actions. Realize that everyone in this situation is going to have swallow their pride a time or two and bite their tongues a few hundred times. Your sacrifice is not greater than his or hers. It may seem greater to you because you're only considering your point of view. But the reality is that it takes a lot of sacrifices to make a relationship successful.  So in those moments you want to complain to him about the burden the situation is causing you, pause. Find something positive and encouraging to say instead. This goes for both significant others and mamas. Let your words be seasoned with grace.  Even if you feel burdened, put upon or believe he needs to address an issue, do not launch an attack. Chances are, if you wait before you lash out, God will work the situation out or speak to your man's heart and he'll deal with it at the appropriate time. If you're going to be with a man who has children outside of your relationship, you have to be willing to open your heart and mind to more than just the two of you. And mamas, the same goes for you also. Your man already has a family. The question before the two of you is, will you be the one who contributes to its success or will you be the one responsible for tearing it down?

Make A Decision!
Now it's time for some tough love and honest truths. For some women, particularly those who have not married the men they are involved with, it is time for you to make a decision. You've prayed, cried, fussed, discussed, negotiated and compromised yourself silly. But there have been no positive changes. At this point, it's time to look at your life and make some very tough decisions. As I said earlier, relationships take sacrifice and compromise, particularly those relationships that involve family. But if you've been placed on girlfriend status indefinitely, you must ask yourself if the sacrifices you're being asked to make and endure are worthy of your current status. I do believe that wives should act like wives and girlfriends, girlfriends. Wives compromise, sacrifice and endure for the sake of the covenants they made. But shame on YOU if you're acting like a wife without the benefit of commitment in the form of the marriage covenant. He has multiple children, multiple baby mamas, and all of them are expecting you to keep your mouth shut and be ok with the pandamonium. It's time to make a decision and that decision may mean leaving.

For baby mama your decision could be setting new boundaries for the father of your children. It could also mean letting go of the dream of reconciling. It could mean going to family court and allowing a judge to make the rules for both of you to follow instead of continuing another year of chaos and inconsistency for your children. It could mean deciding to take ownership of your own choices and to stop subjecting your life to the whims and immaturity of others. Only you know the decisions you must make for your own situation. But if what you're doing now aint working, you must decide what it takes to bring about the outcome that your children deserve, even if that decision means things will get a little more difficult for a season.

Who Are You Picking?
Another hard truth is that as women, we must take responsibility for the character of men we choose to date. Most of us, if we were honest, gave very little thought until it was absolutely in our face of how the dynamic of children outside of the relationship would affect us. While we invested so much time in dating and fun, we gave very little attention to observing our man and his family. How many of us really give enough space and time for true colors to be revealed before we invest all of our time, money and hearts? When dating a man who has children, you no longer have the luxury of being self centered. You are not the only game in town. He has a family that he created without you. You must realize this going in, and you must find out if he is willing and capable of leading that family with you in it.

With enough time, observation and prayer, you may find that he is capable. But likewise, you may find that the man who makes you weak in the knees has a tough time putting his foot down when it comes to boundaries with his children and their mother. Don't waste time in the dating process worrying about butterflies in your stomach and being wined and dined. If you fall in love, you should know what you've actually fallen into. See the blog post, "Don't Date- Investigate!" for more on this subject.

What's A Man To Do?

Children outside of marriage is a very common phenomenon in American culture. This in no way justifies the situation, but it certainly does spotlight the need for attention, wisdom and clarity to be given to those of us who find ourselves navigating through this very tricky terrain.

At the center of all of this blended family turmoil is often a very strong but silent figure, and that is the MAN. As drama, confusion, hurt feelings and misunderstanding swirl all around like a tornado, he is relatively silent. And that is the problem.

I can tell women what to do to cope all day long, and in some cases, I will.

But let's face it, situations like this can only be coped with if the MAN refuses to take action.

So that brings the next question...
What should the man do who finds himself in a new relationship but having children with another woman or women?

I'm going to answer this question in two ways. The first way is what the man SHOULD do. The second will be what women should do when he won't. Fair enough? Ok, let's get into it. *smile*

What Should The "Man" Do?
The man, the father, and the significant other of this situation should STEP UP and take the leadership role. A situation this chaotic and frustrating is screaming for a leader and is in desperate need of a hero. It's so easy to ignore it all and let the women "duke it out", so to speak. But who really pays the price when dad checks out of the situation both mentally and physically?

The children.

Oftentimes, men will run away from situations not because they are unloving but because they do not feel adequately equipped to handle the situation. How do you explain as a father to children that you never loved their mom and she was simply a one night stand? Or how do you explain to your current girlfriend or wife that you and your children's mom have a very complicated relationship that you don't know how to correct?

Wow. Tough stuff, right?
Yes it is but these are just some of the truths that men have been scared to face.
And that fear has torn families apart.

My Pastor gave us a very simple yet profound truth that I want to share with you now. He said, "When you want to do right, God will help you to do right".

Doing the right thing isn't easy. But it is easy to tuck tail and run, and let everyone else figure out how they will manage. That's why so many men do it. But the Grace of God is available to us, not to help us to abandon our responsibilities but to face them.

Sometimes we forget that people (children included) really can handle the truth.

Can my children handle knowing that their mom and I won't ever be getting back together?
Can my girlfriend or wife really handle the fact that I have mixed emotions about my past with my children's mom?
Can we really make it past these complicated circumstances and find some sense of peace and normalcy?

These are questions that so many men can't answer so they refuse to even attempt to deal with the matters that surround their families.

But the time is now to face the giants. God will help you do right, if you WANT to do right.
The question is, do you want to do right or do you want everything to be easy?

It's not easy to look someone in the face and admit you are scared, confused or simply don't know. But there is something very powerful and spiritual about a man admitting that he doesn't have all the answers but he will STAND with his family, in the midst of it all.

I can remember as a child my family facing some very difficult circumstances. There was even one occasion where we had to live in a hotel for a while because we had no place to go. I even remember our car being repossessed. But there's also another thing that I remember. I remember that we were together-as a family. My parents didn't send my sister and I off to live with other relatives until they "got on their feet". My father didn't leave my mom and us during that time, opting rather to start over with a new family. He made some mistakes. My mom made some mistakes. But I can remember that because we walked through those dark times TOGETHER, we made it through and loved each other all the more.

You'll be surprised at just how strong your family can be if you stand and refuse to run emotionally, mentally and physically.

They really can handle the truth.
.
They really can deal with the difficulties that life brings.


But what they need from you dad is not heat, air conditioning, houses, and cars that your paycheck may or may not adequately provide for them. What they need the most from the adults in the situation is COMMITMENT.

No matter how bad it gets, how frustrated we all get and how angry we may become, we are ALL committed to this family.

Yes, I said it. Your wife, your children AND your baby mama are a FAMILY.
It's the family YOU created. Don't despise it.
Thank God for it and treasure it.
Find the value in it.
It may not be the perfect arrangement. But it's what you have, it's what you made and it's what you have the opportunity, with the help of the Lord, to improve for the benefit of your children.

You don't have to explain one-night-stands to small children anymore than my father had to sit my sister and I down and explain the specifics of bankruptcy and foreclosure. But what he did when those things came to our family was all the explanation we needed. He stayed and he stood.

What's my advice to dads with multiple baby mamas and a wife or girlfriend who's feeling neglected?
Stand.
Stop running, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop cheating and stop trying to do everything so as not to face it.
Stand up in the middle of it and LEAD.

Everyone is waiting for you to speak and to give direction.
Everyone is waiting on you to set clear boundaries.
Everyone is waiting on you to be the hero.

And they may not like everything you say when you stand and take the lead.
They don't have to.
The bottom line is that you are now doing what God created you to do. The family will have its nucleus again- YOU.

Order won't be restored instantly. It takes time to break up a riot and it'll take time to bring peace between people who are used to going at each others' throats. But you must stand and you must lead.
Peace will come if you lead everyone to peace.
Boundaries will be respected if you create and enforce them.

My brother, if your life feels like it's full of traffic, then you're the traffic cop.

It's time you got in the middle of the intersection and directed that traffic. Tell people when to stop and go. Tell the children when to yield.

Lead.
Lead.
Lead.

Showing up to the battle is half the battle.

In part two, I will discuss what the women involved in this situation should do if the man won't step up and lead. You don't want to miss it!

Love Note...

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Zephaniah 3:17

What Your New Year Needs...

Source

It's a brand new year, untouched, unopened. What will we do with it? What does this new year that we've been blessed to see need from us?
In order to answer this question, I'd like to first tell you a little story of something I recently encountered.
 
For years, I've thought and even said that I am not handy. In time's past, I've gotten out of having to do repairs because I'm both the baby girl of my family and I've been able to rely on the men that I was in a relationship with to handle it. But now that I am grown and single, I've had to confront my limiting self assessments.

I've had a coffee table with two wobbly legs for at least a year now. I gave it a quick glance but since I didn't have the necessary allen wrench to tighten the loosened screws, I assumed it was impossible to fix. But today, something welled up inside of me and simply said, "Try". So I went to that drawer in my kitchen that's the catch-all drawer and pulled out every tool I thought could be useful. I found a pair of needle nosed pliers and a phillips head screw driver. I tightened the loosened screws by hand as much as I could and then I used the needle nosed pliers to grip the screw and slowly, but surely turn it until is was sufficiently tightened.

No, I didn't have the proper tools which would have completed the job more quickly. But turns out, I had everything I needed all along. I just had to take a moment, apply myself and realize that it could be done with what I had.

And that will be the story of 2013 for you.

Stop waiting for everything to fall together perfectly because it won't.
Don't count on having everything you need delivered to your doorstep in a nice package ready for your immediate use. It won't happen.

Instead, resolve to look around your life and pick up what's there.  Trust God to give you the necessary wisdom to use what you have in new, but highly effective ways.
Some people may wonder how it will work. You'll probably wonder yourself. But the key is that no longer are we saying that it won't work and waiting for God to change everything to our liking.
We're going to arise in faith and believe God to take what we have and work it together for our good.
The near year brings in a wind of refreshing to all areas of our lives. Maybe you're contemplating a career change, starting your own business, going back to school, or rededicating your life to the Lord. No matter what needs refreshing in your life, take advantage of the new year.

It is awaiting your instruction. Tell it what to do. Tell each month what you need and expect a harvest.

That's what this new year needs from you.

Decree a thing, and it will be established for you in 2013.

"Say what you hear until you see what you said".

Dismantled...

To take apart; disassemble; tear down.

b. To put an end to in a gradual systematic way:

2. To strip of furnishings or equipment: dismantled the house before knocking it down.

3. To strip of covering or clothing.

 

 

Riding along today, reflecting over my life along with some of its recent events. this word "dismantled" dropped into my spirit.

I do believe it was the Lord's way of explaining to me the season that I've been in for the past 2 years. What do you get when you take away all those things Melissa has used to cover up pain, frustration, and insecurity? Who is she without her security blankets?
 

The last two years, I've been finding out.
 

Now this is by no means an easy process. It's been downright painful at times. But I also understand that it is a necessary process. When the Lord sets about the task of rebuilding our lives, He always begins with demolition first. The old must be removed. If the structure we've built for ourselves is unsound, then the whole thing must be torn down and the foundation laid again.
 

Let's face it. Most of us have been building on some pretty shabby and shaky foundations. Abuse, abandonment, low self esteem. But not only that but also pride, self reliance and co dependance...all of these things can be found in our foundations, yet we've attempted to build our whole lives, our careers, and our families on these shifting sands.

 

Lately I've been feeling "dismantled"; comforts removed, parts disconnected, open and bare. I know that God is doing a work in me, but boy does that work feel more negative than positive at times.

 

But we must all trust the process.
 

We must all understand that God doesn't pour new wine in old wine skins so He's not about to bring new blessings into your old mindsets, habits and belief systems.  If we want to be blessed in the way that "adds no sorrow", we must be willing to allow God to do the work of dismantling our old systems, mentalities, and sometimes, our entire natural lives.
 

It may mean uprooting you from the place of your comfort as far as career and living arrangement is concerned. It could mean disconnecting you from relationships that were never supposed to be initiated in the first place. Whatever it is, allow God to dismantle the things that do not belong in your life. Allow Him to examine them in the Light of His Word. Trust His hands to put you back together, and this time, to do it the right way.
 

If you're like me and you're being dismantled, don't lose heart. If God is dismantling you, then that means He has His hands on you. And if He has His hands on you, you're in the best possible hands you could ever be in.