"Am I Ready For A Good Man?"



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So many women are quick to say that they desire to be in a relationship with a good man. I've even said so myself. However, I had to sit down and do some soul searching. I had to ask myself if I really wanted a good man.

But why would I ask myself such a question? The answer should be obvious because a good man is responsible, dependable, trustworthy;  he's a godly man of character and integrity. Those are some of the major characteristics that can be found in a good man. Who wouldn't want that, right?

However, when I began to look at my own past decisions and actions, I came to the conclusion that what I was saying and what I was doing weren't lining up. I SAID I wanted a godly man, but the man I was with wasn't saved.

I SAID I wanted a man who was trustworthy and dependable, but I was with a man who was as sneaky as they came and who loved to stay out all night long with one lame excuse after the next.

So, just like I had to keep it real with myself, I'm going to keep it real with you now.

Before you can have what it is that you say you desire, you must be willing to look at your own life and actions to see if what you say you desire and what you do are in agreement.

In order to attract good people into your life, you must first hold those values and attributes that make them "good" in high esteem. Do your friends entertain foolishness, lie, cheat and can't be trusted? Do those you hold in close fellowship reflect godly values? How does your life and your actions reflect the values you claim to treasure the most?

You see, you cannot attract what you do not first honor.

Do you honor God?
Do you honor those who walk in integrity and good character?
Have you found godly mentors who reflect a godly pattern of relationship?
Do you invest time and resources into those things that are "good"?
Do you place high value on wisdom?

 In order to get a good man, you have value good things.

That's why so many women (and men) end up in relationships that are the opposite of what their mouths say they want.

They end up with what they invest the most of their time, energy and resources into. They end up with the people who reflect their own values.

So that ex you continue to put down? Yea, you picked him or her and it's time you sat down and got real about the condition of your own heart that led you to choose such a person in the first place.  The truth is, there was something in you that loved and valued something in them. And if you're not careful, you'll ignore the fact that you are still holding on to destructive proclivities and appetites that led you to hold on to people and things that are not for your good.

If you do not honor God in your daily living, you will gravitate to men and women who also do not honor God. You can say with your mouth all day long that you value people with such a strong relationship with God. But once you enter into relationship with them, you'll find them boring and eventually, your eyes will wander over to the person who reflects what your truly value.

Oh, you ain't gotta say "Amen" today church. I KNOW I'm preachin!

This is meant to be a wake-up call to woman and men who have found themselves, time after time, in relationships that went nowhere and left them feeling used and abused. The Spirit is telling you to search your own heart and stop blaming your ex's for your own unholy desires. Blame is blinding and can keep us locked into unhealthy patterns.

 Until you change what you honor, you will not change what you attract.

Until you honor things like peace, truth, righteousness, holiness, dependability, and maturity, you will not attract those things into your life.

If all of your ex's have been terrible, then it's time to ask the Lord to reveal what's inside of your heart that He can remove and cleanse. Until this happens, you're not ready for a good man or woman.

How does your life reflect your honor, value, and appreciation for the things that make up a good man or woman?

Use your time of singleness to remove those things from your life that do not value righteousness, integrity and character. Replace those things with godly representations.

Then, you'll be on your way to becoming ready for a good man.

How To Help A Friend That's In A Bad Relationship...



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Most of us remember the time we were in that relationship that was bad for us but nobody, and I do mean, NOBODY could convince us otherwise.
We also remember going to our friends in tears, hurting and desperate for hope.
Some of us know what it feels like to be that friend that's on the other end of a tearful phone call or sitting across the sofa from a girlfriend who's an emotional mess.
As the supportive friend, you want to be there for your friend who is obviously hurting. But the hidden truth that not to many people admit to is that being there for a hurting friend often ends up hurting you.

How so you ask?

For starts, it hurts to be the one to pick up a friend from the ground, listen to them for hours, comfort and pray, and give them sound advice, all for them to go back to the painful situation that hurt them to begin with.
So what can you do, as a true friend to support your hurting friend but protect your own heart?

Here are a few things to keep in mind when being there for a friend who isn't ready to let go of a tumultuous relationship:

1. Listening is enough. Don't feel compelled to do more than this. If your friend has a pattern of running to you and others when things get especially rough in their relationship, then this time is just one of many. Show compassion with a willingness to be a listening ear first. Let your friend know that you are someone they can trust.
2. Remember change begins with choices, not chatter. The truth is that if your friend really wanted to change their situation, they would not be on the phone with you or crying on your sofa. Changing their situation begins with a decision that only they can make. And trust me, when they're at the point of making that major decision, it won't be done in a crowd of friends or with an audience of sympathizers. When she's ready to let go of the drama, she won't be venting, she'll be moving.
3. Resist the temptation to offer advice. Most of us who have been the supportive friend know that this is the one question that can make or break a friendship so avoid it. If she asks you whether or not she should leave, don't fall for it. When a woman talks about her relationship, you must understand that she can personally dog the relationship but when anyone from the outside does so (including her closest friends), she immediately seeks to defend it. Women draw a large part of their identity and self worth from the relationships they invest in so to attack her relationship is to attack her. Instead of falling into this pit, go back to step one. Remind her that you are there to listen. This is your loving way of saying to her, "You must take responsibility for what you're going through and I refuse to have it dumped on me". If you tell her to leave her man, this will most likely happen: "When she leaves, she'll feel it was because of what you said, and not because of what she wanted. And when she reconciles with her man (which she most likely will do several times), she'll resent you. The decision to leave a relationship must always be her decision, not yours. Refuse to get drawn into that trap.

We love our friends, sometimes like our own blood relatives. It's easy to see how we can take on their pain and often, their drama. But hopefully, if we apply the wisdom of God to situations like this, we can guard our hearts and keep them offense free. No one wants to lose a dear friend over a relationship but sometimes it does happen. However, by keeping these key things in mind, it is possible to avoid the heartache that comes with dealing with a friend who's in a rocky relationship.

Again, the choice to leave is hers, not yours and the both of you must keep this in mind at all times.  And lastly, venting is fine, but we also teach people how to treat us. Venting can be a very emotionally draining experience for a genuine friend. One way to lovingly put limits and boundaries around your friend's venting sessions is to literally give it a time limit. Most of us are willing to pull all nighter's for girlfriends who are emotionally broken. Yes, you should be there for her. But after a period of time, release her. Yep, I said it. After she has talked for a period of time, let her go. Tell her that you're going to give her space and time to meditate and pray about what she's going through. She may not want to get off the phone or leave, and at first, you may not want her to. But you don't want you friend to depend on you. You want her to draw her strength from the Lord. What happens when you're unavailable or facing challenges of your own? Will she fall apart?  Love you friend enough to set boundaries and encourage them to find more productive ways to deal with their emotional turmoil besides dumping it all on you continuously.
Trust me, after you've had enough time alone with your thoughts, eventually, you'll come to yourself and realize that hurting is a pattern you don't want to continue following.

Question: What experience have you had with girlfriends who are in rocky relationships? How did you handle it?

I'm In Love Y'all!! Woo Hoo!!!

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Hello everyone. I just wanted to give a quick greeting. I know I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I used to and I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth of the matter is that I'm in love.
You know how it is when you're in love; you just don't seem to have time for all of the other things that you used to do. All you can think about is getting back to your lover, staring in his eyes, listening to his voice and hearing his sweet words flow over you like warmth and comfort.
Yea, I know you remember what it's like to be in love.
Well, I'm in love for sure. I'm looking at my schedule and it's rearranged. I'm looking at my interests and they've changed. I'm sure if you asked my friends, they'd tell you "something is different about her".
And they'd be right.
Something is different and something has changed.
I'm in LOVE people! LOL! Love changes you.
And love ignites you with a passion for life and living that cannot be explained, only experienced.
So yea, don't hate.
I'm in love.
And I'm so happy because for the longest time, I didn't feel loved. For years, I felt rejected, like no one wanted me and I wasn't good enough for any one's time or any one's sacrifice. I just wanted to matter to somebody- anybody.
But today, I can truly say my heart has found what it's been searching for.

No, let me tell the truth.
He found me.

He's an incredible lover and friend.
He was even there through all my heartbreaks and breakup's.
Can you imagine that?
Who DOES that?!
He did.
So yea bear with me. You know how it is when you're in love.
He's the first thing you talk about and the last thing on your mind every night.
You get on every one's nerves by how much you talk about your relationship and he always seems to make his way into EVERY conversation.
That's what being in love does to you.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it and I don't feel bad.
I waited a long time for this so now is not the time to feel shy, shame, or intimidated.
I'm sorry you're hurting and if you are, I have one thing to tell you...
My lover can be yours too.
He'll love you like He loves me and give you what you need to stop chasing after pretend lovers.
He's the real thing.
No, He's not trying to becoming your everything.

 He's trying to show you that He already is.

And everything you could possibly ever want or need, it's in Him.

About three years ago while I was sitting in the parking lot of the county jail, early one morning, about to visit my lover who was serving a 6 month sentence, I decided to read the love letters of the Lover of my soul.
My heart was torn and my emotions were a mess. I didn't know what else to do but to turn to Him.
And from that moment on, we began talking to each other again...little by little til eventually, we established a new and better relationship.

That old lover who was in jail got out and went back to his old ways. He eventually walked out the door. But the Lover of my soul moved right into my heart and refused to let it be empty another day.
Took some time for the pain to subside and some days, it still hurts...just a little.
But the Lover of my soul hasn't run off. He's still with me, helping me through. Showing me how to move beyond my past failures and see myself as He sees me: Beautiful, royal, and His.

I know you want to be in love just like I did.
And I know you know how to love, just like I did.

But the question is, who will you love and who really loves you?

Selah.

A Poem: "For Him..."

You loved me with everything you had.
And even though that may not have been much to some and not enough for me,
It was all you had to give. You gave it, and I received it.
I will always be your girl in that world to which we belonged.
And my soul will long for you there.
For as long as you had me, I was completely yours.
For as often as you need me, I will be here for you.
I don't apologize for loving you still.
I can't apologize for love.
I apologize for mistakes I make.
And loving you was never ever a mistake.
Maybe I made wrong assumptions and there were times my timing was ill timed.
But the decision to love you was never wrong.
And I will not put love on trial because my heart was wounded in the heat of passion.
Love still is and always will be the sweet song that plays softly against the noisy refrains of life.
And love is the reason I even know you from Adam in this world.
And it's the reason you knew me.
Maybe you don't know me as well as you could have and as much as you should have
But trust me, you know enough.
You have known my love and frankly, isn't that enough?
That's enough to know and all there is to know.
I'll spare you the details and the biography; the never ending sob story.
All you need to know is love.
You felt it. You saw it. You had it.
While I can admit I was an imperfect messenger
That takes nothing away from the message.
What I delivered to you in shaky hands and in unclear speech was love.
And that love is still as beautiful today
As the day you said "I do" to the one you wanted then but no longer want now.
And I forgive you because it's about love, not me.
Love hired me and I can only represent love's purity, not my own insecurities.
I work for Love, not for drama.
I live for love, not for pain.
What do I have to gain from love?
Eternal life.
Forever to live, breathe and enjoy love.
Forever to thank the Lover of my Soul for the pleasure of loving others as He loved me- Unconditionally.
Love is a seed that grows over time and I know it's planted within you.
I may not be there at harvest time
But when you reap, you'll think of me.

*This piece was written as an artistic expression of the continuity of all the relationships I've had with men, from the beginning of my life til now. I hope you enjoy it.* -Mel

The Healing Process...

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Back in February, I had a freak accident involving broken glass from a picture frame. The gash was deep and probably required stitches, but I was about to go out of town and didn't want to be bothered with a doctor's office. So I cleaned the wound, put on some antibiotic ointment, covered it all under a big bandage, and kept it moving.

That was almost 9 months ago.

Today, the wound is completely closed, but there's an ugly scar left behind. The scar didn't surprise me. I figured it served me right for not getting it stitched up like I should have. But what surprised me the most was that even after all this time, and all these months, the place where I was cut is still tender.

And so is life.

I do my very best to be as transparent as possible in my writings. For the most part I try to strike an encouraging tone but the fact of the matter is that I have scars of my own that are still tender to the touch.

Just recently, I worked up the nerve to throw away some old love letters that I'd been holding on to from an ex. First of all, let me just say that I love words. I treasure them. So when someone takes the time to write me something, especially by hand, which he did, I hang on to those letters for dear life. But over time, and slowly but surely, I've come to realize that what I felt to receive the letters and what he felt while writing them wasn't the same. There was a point in time when I would sit on the edge of my bed and read each letter, one by one. My eyes would fill with tears as I searched each line for answers to questions that he left me with.

Just recently, I became ok with not knowing "why" to everything. And the truth is, I did know why. It just took me this long to believe and accept it as truth.

Unfortunately people do things for less than pure motives all the time. The don't set out to do harm- most don't. But harm, they do. Hearts find themselves breaking and wondering how they'll ever mend.

One of the most unspoken things among mothers is the enormous amount of personal pain we carry in addition to our daily duties and responsibilities. Often we cry in silence and suffer there too. Our emotional problems and issues must be tabled for the sake of caring for and nurturing our children. Somehow we must find a way to surpress our inner struggles and emotional disturbances to meet the needs and demands of those we love and those we're obligated to.
And some moms crack under the pressure.

From the time my son was born in 2006 until 2010, my life felt like it was spinning out of control. There was no time to process all of my emotions and deal with those things that had wounded my heart so deeply. But then in 2010, I began to crack under the pressure. Before I knew it, everything that I'd built and believed in for four years was lying in a pile of rubble. I was forced to deal with emotions I'd stuffed down for a very long time.

I want you to know, before I close, that healing is a process. If you're reading this and you are a mother or a wife, then I understand that you feel at times overwhelmed and sometimes like there's no opportunity to heal. If you're reading this and you're at the beginning of the grieving process of your broken heart, you may feel as if you will never reach a place where the heaviness and pain subsides enough for you to begin living your life again.  But just like that deep wound on my arm, the healing process may take time, but it is taking place. It took a couple of months before the wound closed and another couple of months before the pain went away. And now, while the wound is closed completely and I can put clothes on and off with no pain, there are moments that if too much pressure is applied to the area, it is still tender.

There will be days when you feel as if you're ok and then something will happen or something will be said that reminds you that there's a place in your heart that's still tender.
 Please don't ignore this. Your best option in moments like these is prayer. I'm not talking about bless my cat and dog prayers. I'm speaking of laying your heart out before the Lord and asking Him for the help you need. And sometimes,  the only prayer a broken heart can manage is "Lord, help me!"

It may be slow, it may take time and it may be painful, but trust and believe, the healing process has begun in your life.

Don't give up on the difficult days. Don't doubt your progress when something is said or done that takes you back to a painful place and brings tears to your eyes.

I held on to those love letters for YEARS, and my eyes filled with tears at the thought of ever letting them go.
And then one day I just woke up and realized it was time to let it go.
And I realized that although it was a tender place, it wasn't the same hurting, open wound that it used to be.

Healing is indeed a process and God is faithful to heal you if you'll only trust and believe that He will...in due time.