The Problem With Dating "Potential"...

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Most of us have done it, at least once or twice in our dating lives. We fell for the guy who had so much potential. He drew us in with his charm, won us over with his sweet talk and blinded us with his lofty daydreams. How many times did we defend him to our family and friends with statements like, "I know we have our issues but he has so much potential! He's really talented and if he would only apply himself a little more...stop doing "X" and start doing "Z", he'd make it!"?

Then we go on to spend years and years investing in "potential" but getting very little in return.

That's why I've stopped dating potential.

No, I'm not saying that I'm swearing off men and joining a convent. But I'm saying that I've decided that dating a man for who he has the potential to be hasn't been working out for me, and if you're reading this, it probably hasn't been working out for you either.

The better way to go would be for us to stop dating the man with potential and start dating the man with CHARACTER.

You see, all of us have the potential to be great and succeed in life. But the numbers quickly decline when we begin to count the number of people who have the character it takes to get there and STAY there.
While it's noble of you to be head over heels in love with your future entrepreneur, it's foolish to think a man who doesn't have the discipline to draft a business plan, see that plan all the way through, network and go after his goals and dreams will be anything more to you than a daydreamer.

But what happens when you date a man of character and integrity?

Not only does he have potential, but his potential becomes something you can see and feel in a  short amount of time- not years or decades. He puts legs to his ideas and his goals. He doesn't just talk about it- HE IS about it! He's not sitting around trying to sell you on what he wants to accomplish in life. He's taking you along for the ride straight to the top. He may not have much now, but at the rate he's going, you can see clearly, it won't be long before he accomplishes everything in his heart to do. Why? It's because he's focused, determined and disciplined enough to stand by his word and see a plan through from start to finish.

Does that sound like the "potential" you've dated in the past?

I didn't think so.

And that's precisely why I'll never date mere "potential" again.

Potential is something we all have.
But CHARACTER takes the raw material of potential and turns it into something meaningful and useful.

King Solomon, in his wisdom, put it this way:

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men."  Proverbs 22:29

Not only must he have a plan, he must also have corresponding actions for those plans and enough self discipline to see it through. You can't even get the "potential" you're dating to get off the couch and put on a clean shirt!  Plans without actions are fables. Sure, women can inspire men and take them to new heights in their earthly pursuits. But no woman is capable of being the visionary and executor of any man's plan for his own life. That takes the exercise of his own character, discipline, resolve- the tried stones that lay the foundation of a real man.

Good looks and smooth talk may get him on the court, but good character will keep him in the game. And when it's all said and done, we want someone who's built to last, not ready to run.

I Was Bullied.

Does this look like the face of a woman who was bullied as a child?
I'm sure many of my friends who don't know all of the details of my childhood would find it hard to believe that a woman who stands  5'11', and weighs 255 lbs (I aint shame, I'm CUTE! lol!) was once bullied.
Yep.
I was.
My sister and I were bullied in elementary school. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was shorter than them. Maybe because my skin was darker. Or maybe it was because of the dark circles under my eyes from asthma.
Whatever the reason on whatever day, I was chased home, screaming and in fear of my life and my sister's life everyday by two bullies.
My parents did all they could to protect us and eventually, made the decision and sacrifice to no longer allow us to ride the bus to school, where between the bus stop and school bus, the majority of the bullying took place.
As we got older, my sister became more popular and I was protected... a little. That is, until she graduated and left me to face my bullies alone.
And then my bullies became a different sort. They weren't threatening me with physical violence. How could they? I was over 5'8" by the end of middle school. Now they were the cliques and clubs who made you feel "less than" because you didn't wear certain clothes or were from a certain neighborhood. Eventually, I took refuge in the school library where I spent the majority of my lunch breaks.
I didn't eat lunch.
It wasn't because I wasn't hungry.
It was because I'd rather starve than be made fun of again... and again... and again.
So I did.
Starve.
It wasn't until my junior year, when I was finally able to go off campus for my art studies that I began to eat lunch again. I felt safe and accepted in my new environment with the fine arts crowd.

And that's how I survived middle school and high school.

I'm thankful that my story isn't as traumatic as many young people that I've heard in recent months, but the fact is, many of us, and probably even YOU, know what it feels like to be picked on. Or maybe you found yourself defending and befriending someone who was picked on or bullied.
There were a few heroes in my school days who would come and sit with me in the library after they'd eaten their lunch in the cafeteria.

Thank you.

As a mommy to two of the most amazing children in the world, I feel duty bound to do something to try to make the world they're living in a better place. If that means admitting that I too was once bullied, then so be it.
If it means removing the shame and secrecy off of something that has plagued so many of us for years, then so be it.
As you can see, I'm not the frightened little girl with dark circles under her eyes (I use a GREAT concealer now.. LOL!) who doesn't have a voice and feels terrified and petrified.

Oh yea, before I go...
One day, a couple of years after being chased by the two bully brothers (they were actually blood brothers, I'm serious) I was riding my bike in the neighborhood and ran into the both of them. I was way taller than them and way bigger than them... WAY bigger. At that moment, staring the source of my torment in the face, I felt an overwhelming sense of empowerment. I wasn't afraid of him, I was insulted! I was scared of YOU?! Needless to say, they didn't try to fight me or steal my bike from me.
I was in charge now.

And that's the truth that bullies don't want you to know. They try to tear you down because they see you on your way UP. And it rattles their own insecurities to see you shining your light, every single day.

Don't give up. I know it's tough being bullied every single day. I found places to hide. I found friends who let me be myself. I found a release in visual arts. Maybe yours is music. Whatever it is, don't let them dim your light. Please...
Don't let them.

In a little while, no one will be able to stop your shine.

Don't Date- INVESTIGATE!

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While most single ladies my age would welcome a relationship if a good one presented itself, it's also a reality that many of us are just about tired of trying. We've spent more than a decade in the dating world and after meeting some not-so-stellar candidates for our heart, we've all but given up our quest to find love.But just before you throw in the towel, consider with me, if you will, a new approach.
The bible tells us to be "wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove". While we practice what the bible preaches in other areas of our lives like how to get the best deal at the supermarket or from a mechanic, most of us drop this principle by the wayside when it comes to dating.

Here are some important keys to keep in mind that will help you make the most out of your dating experience and walk away from any situation, good or bad, with your dignity and heart still in tact:

1. Realize that the playing field is level, at least initially. So many women approach a dating situation like a potential employee being interviewed by her boss. He may listen to Rick Ross and feel like he's the biggest boss, but that doesn't make him the boss of you! Don't forget that while you're being sized up to also size him up! You don't have a lot of time on this level playing field so it's important that you take in as many observations as possible in the first few moments of meeting him. After all, you're trying determine if the man before you is indeed a worthy investment of your time or if the two of you are just doing a great job of covering up the incompatibility between you.
2. Believe what you see! So many of us have met a gentleman online who impressed us with lengthy conversations and impressive text messages, but upon meeting him, we were disappointed by the way he carried himself. Let's be real here ladies. Even when you're chillin, you're on point! So why is his faded graphic tee shirts and love for sneakers in every photograph acceptable to you? Nine times out of ten, this gentleman will not be willing to dress up and take you anywhere and if he does dress up, he'll make it clear that he is not a happy camper. Do you really want to deal with that six months from now? Better to observe in 6 minutes and keep the line movin' than after 6 months when you're trying to make it work and save face.
3. Believe what you hear! Did he REALLY just ask your cup size? Did he REALLY just ask you when was the last time you had sex? Unless you're working as a bra model or he's a gynecologist,  these questions, asked by him in the name of "honesty", are inappropriate at best and a huge RED FLAG at worse. While it may be tempting to write those little slips of common decency off, you must stay present. You're investigating. This is the man on his BEST behavior. He's already discussing your underwear and your sexual behavior before he knows anything about you as a person. Sounds like a guy who's really interested in getting to know you outside of the bedsheets, right? Moving right on along.
4. Believe what you feel. This guy is heaven sent! He's dressed to impress, he's respectful. He looks good on paper and he even bought over a new toy for your cat Whiskers (aww!). But something just doesn't feel right about him. You can't put your finger on it and you have no evidence to support your uneasiness, but it just won't go away. This is called "discernment"; and this is the Holy Spirit telling you, "I know something you don't know and have no way of knowing. You can either trust Me, because I don't lie, or you can trust him, a complete stranger".  Because you're investigating and not dating, nor have you invested more of your time and energy than you should without said investigation, you can quickly lose his number and trust that you won't be trying to dial 911 from the inside of his trunk, thanks to the Holy Ghost.

A lot of women feel victimized by the whole dating process and have nothing but horror stories to tell. But it's time that women of God arose in power and most importantly, WISDOM.

Dating is not a marriage so why are you doing the most in it?!  It is a time that should be well spent in respectfully gathering the needed information about someone to make an informed decision. Just because someone may not qualify to be your spouse doesn't mean you haven't met a good friend or someone with whom you can network.

 Just because it's been months (or years) since you had a date doesn't mean you should tolerate any and all behavior.  You have a lot to offer to a man who can see your true value and worth.
But it's up to YOU to make sure you're not giving someone the keys to your heart that you didn't even take the time to get to know. Don't leave your good mind in your purse! Take it out, use it and observe. And once you've investigated, make no apologies whatsoever for the conclusions you draw.
Trust me...

He won't.

What are your thoughts on trading in dating for investigating?