Me, My Boyfriend & His Baby Mama Pt 2

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B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A!

Ok. Now that I have your attention. lol!
Isn't it funny how two little words can evoke so many different emotions all at once?! 
Be sure to check out Part 1 here of the girlfriend's perspective if you missed it.  Today, we're addressing baby mama's perspective.

So baby mama, your former boyfriend, fiancee or husband has moved on and found someone new. While most evolved women would say this is a non issue to them, the truth is that it has created challenges for many women. While it feels like everyone thinks you're a drama queen, it's not too often that the parties involved pause to consider your point of view.

What are the top things that "baby mamas" contend with?

1. Being pre-judged. Almost instantly, it is assumed that any negativity that arises in a co-parenting arrangement originates from you. Being pre-judged only makes your stress level and attitude WORSE.

2. Lack of communication. Communicating with the father of your children can be difficult, particularly when his significant other doesn't approve. This only compounds the issues that creep into the co-parenting arrangement.

3. Unresolved issues.Whatever caused the romantic relationship your shared with the father of your children to crash and burn is often never properly resolved. The fact that the two of you have not dealt with your past issues tends to haunt you both throughout the co-parenting experience.

4. We may not share a bed, but we do share a responsibility!  It's one thing to be told when to call and when not to come by because of his new relationship, and it's another when he doesn't seem to pick up the burden of responsibility on his own, now that you've backed off. It can be very frustrating and create tension between everyone involved.

I could go on and on about the things that "baby mamas" deal with and go through. So, what's a baby mama to do when she's dealing with the father of her children and his "new woman"?

1. Don't be petty. Sounds simple, right? Well, far too many of us aren't getting the memo. It may be true that his girlfriend/wife/fiancee disrespected you the last time you tried to call him but bringing that up in conversation now only makes baby daddy that much more inclined to ignore your calls. It's imperative that you stay focused on purpose of your call and the need of your child and resist the urge to be petty. You may only get one shot to talk to this man so please, make it count and keep it to the point.

2. So what he has a girlfriend! It's really not that serious. It's not critical that you meet his new woman, particularly if he nor she desires to meet you. Forcing the issue will only add to the animosity. Don't work yourself up with thoughts of your child being in harm's way around a complete stranger. It's dad's responsibility to make sure the kids are safe while on his watch. If you doubt his ability to do this, then you need to take that to court. But don't take it into your own hands to try to manage what goes on in his house. That's way more involvement than you need.  You will have your chance in the future to meet his new woman, particularly if she's a permanent part of his life. But don't force issue. Just keep your heart open to the opportunity to meet her when it comes so that you'll be ready for it with the right attitude.

3. Watch your mouth. Don't sabotage your own co-parenting situation by running off at the mouth around your kids about their father and his new woman. Parenting is for grown up's. Put your big girl pants on and keep quiet. A soft answer turns away wrath.

 Not everyone shares the same experience in co parenting or being a single parent, I understand.
But just like any relationship, a co-parenting relationship will shift, change and grow over time. What's tense today may not be so bad a year from now so be patient!

The goal is never to try to change anyone else but to look inwardly and self evaluate. Your children have two imperfect parents who love them. The important thing is that you both continue to try your best for them.

 Day by day, God will give you the wisdom and grace you need to handle any situation that comes your way, including how to handle your baby daddy and his "lady friend". *wink*

Check back for part 3 where I will address the man in between these two dueling women: Baby Daddy.

Can I Do Anything Right?



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The world is a very critical place to live in and depending on where you got your start, the criticism began quite early.
Your posture was criticized as a child. The way you styled your hair and dressed was criticized in school.

And now that you're a mom, the criticism meets you here as well.

"You let your kids watch that?"
"You let your daughter dress like that?"
"You should have known better than to sleep with a man that's no good. Being a single mama is your own fault".

As if most intelligent women (emotions and love aside) wake up in the morning, hell bent on finding someone who will do the best job at breaking her heart.
Yea, that's the mission.

And let's not forget the segment of single moms who have to deal with less-than-amicable co-parenting relationships. Often the criticism comes from the father of your children and/or his side of the family. Nothing you do or say is good enough. You find yourself playing "good cop, bad cop" with your children and often are under intense scrutiny from family members who view you as the enemy.

You can let your hair down here and be real.
I know it's tough and I know it hurts.

There are moments you want to scream at the world and to yourself, "CAN I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

Here's a word of encouragement from the Word of God...

The whole time Nehemiah was in the palace attending to his post as cup bearer, his only critic was the King. And since the King had no issue with his service, his existence was a comfortable one. It wasn't until he stepped outside of his comfortable box and began to consider the need of his ruined homeland of Jerusalem that he found himself faced with critics and saboteurs.

My point is that although you may find it difficult to be criticized as a single mom, I want to congratulate you. If you weren't doing something worthwhile, no one would have anything to say.

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 It's easy to criticize from the sidelines but few want to suit up and get in the game.
So when I watched my son receive his certificate of completion from kindergarten back in May, I knew the deal. All the criticism I endured during the past school year meant nothing in that moment. All those nights we worked on homework together, correcting spelling, and perfecting his math paid off.  All those mornings of praying with him on his way to school had rewarded me.
God had seen my efforts and rewarded me with the success of my child.

No one said, "Melissa, you're doing a fine job with my grandson, nephew or son".
No.
They didn't have to anymore.

Just like Nehemiah, I made up in my mind and said, "I'm doing a good work here and I can't come down". I can't come down to the level of critics anymore who'd rather exercise their tongue muscles than arm muscles to help. I can't let a critic break my stride and steal my focus. I will not allow a critic with no track record to try to challenge mine.
And neither should you mama.

Neither should you.

Wise Wednesdays: Ask First!

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 When my children want a snack, they know that they are to come to me and ask me for what they want before taking it. Instead, what they have done several times is get what they want, start eating it, then come to me and ask me can they have it.

I'm sure a few moms out there can relate to this! lol!
It can be quite annoying.
But as I examined my frustration at my children's behavior, I had to acknowledge that oftentimes we as children of God don't behave much differently.

How many of us women are guilty of getting the man, sleeping with the man, then turning around and asking God if the relationship is His will?

How many of us have applied for the job, gotten the job and then came back later and asked God was it His will for us to be with the company?

How many of us have given a reply to something or someone and then after it was said, prayed and asked God if we said the right thing?

When my son and daughter take something without asking me, I stop them and correct them. I explain, "You don't just reach out and take things without asking. You ASK mommy first and once I give you an answer, THEN you take it!"

Sounds simple but it's time we applied the same principle to our own lives.

Before you date that man, sleep with that man and get emotionally invested with that man, ask God first.
Before you take the position with that company, ask God first.
Before you hit "send" on that email, ask God first.
Matthew 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you".

And one more thing...
After you ask...

WAIT FOR AN ANSWER.

 The difference between a thief and a receiver is permission.

Decree with me: I ask for what I want and need according to Matthew 7:7! I am a receiver, not a thief!