Me, My Boyfriend and His "Baby Mama"...

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Welcome to the wonderfully convoluted world of co-parenting! If one doesn't know what to expect going in, they may find themselves dealing with some very negative situations and feelings that hurt both their co-parenting relationship and their children.

 I've been on both sides of the coin. I used to be the woman dating the guy who had a child. Then I became the woman who had children with the guy who already had a child.

I want to talk about the "girlfriend" perspective for a moment; the woman who's dating a man who has a child outside of his relationship with her.

There's nothing quite as challenging as having a man you're head over heels in love with but he still has a very active tie to his past via his child(ren)'s mom. Unfortunately, many girlfriends put on a brave face through courtship and engagement, but at some point, how she really feels slips out and it's usually not pretty.

Here's what I'd like to tell you. It's natural to feel somewhat threatened by the mother of your significant other's child. The wrong thing to do is make subtle and overt attempts to distance the child from his/her mother so that you can enjoy what looks to be a "perfect family picture". Spoiling his child and trying to win them over with gifts and activities so that they enjoy your company more than the mother's company is manipulative.

That would be the wrong move, not to mention selfish.

What you should do is place yourself, even if for a moment, in another woman's pumps.

Let's just say that you and your significant other have children together. If, God forbid, the relationship went south, how would it feel if another woman entered your ex's life, started wanting your child to call her "mama" and trying to influence the child to move in with her and your ex as soon as she was legally old enough to do so?

Don't worry girl... I can see the veins popping in your forehead from here. Remember that perfect family picture I mentioned earlier? Go ahead and wipe that out of your mind. Your family dynamic will forever be different because the love of your life has a child with another woman. Unless something tragic happens, that child will remain outside of your household and therefore, you must accept that at least for you, the dream of having a traditional relationship with only you and your man to deal with is not going to happen. Shake the fairytales quickly.

Here's some key things to keep in mind when dating a man who has children:

1. There are two sides to every story concerning his past with his child's mother. Trust and believe that he's going to give you the most unpleasant side so that you won't feel threatened. But the truth is, there weren't all bad days, thus their having a child or children together. There's no side to take when it comes to your man and his child's mother. Keep the responsibility of both parties in mind, and that's the wellbeing of the child. You're not there to judge his past or hers so don't get dragged into the middle by either party.

2. If you go into the situation thinking the mother of his children is the bad guy, you'll have a hard time shaking this image, no matter what she does. Be leery of men who are always speaking negatively about the mother of their children. Why? Here comes #3...

3. Unless you are physically unable to bear children, always keep in mind that the woman he has a child with now you could very well be in her shoes one day. We'd all like to live happily ever after, but the truth is some relationships don't make it. It's important to see how a man handles situations in life that aren't always ideal. It takes an extraordinary amount of maturity to co-parent and do so respectfully. If your man has nothing good to say about the mother of  his children all the time, just remember, "She could one day be ME. Do I want to be disrespected like this?" The true test of a man's character isn't in how he deals with people he likes but how he deals with people he's no longer on the best of terms with. In your mind, you may feel his criticism is justified, based on his information to you and your limited observations. But again, keep in mind that it's important to see how a man handles a situation where two people aren't on the best of terms, particularly when children are involved. Can he remain respectful and still hold to his parental duties? Keep your eyes and ears open.

4. You cannot erase his past. That means, you cannot make the mom go away and you can't try to find subtle ways to erase her from the life of your man also. It takes maturity and self confidence to date a man with children. If you need every last drop of a man's attention, you may want to reconsider dating a man with children. The last thing you want to do is resent a woman you don't know or children you did not give birth to. It is true that some co-parenting relationships do not have good boundaries. But this is just as much his fault as it is the mother's. Do not tolerate disrespect. If you feel that he isn't able to keep his relationship with the mother of his children appropriate, then you may need to consider walking away for your own dignity's sake.

5. Keep in mind, it's just as hard for him to try to be a good father to his child outside of his relationship as it is for you to deal with it. Because of his choices, he now has two or more women in his life that he must find a way to engage and respect without offending any of them to the detriment of his child or children. Sounds like a tight rope, right? You can make it easier if you keep the right attitude. Support him being a father to his children and spending quality time with them. Commend him when he is respectful of his children's mother. Respect for her is NOT disrespect of you! Again, keep in mind "she is me" when you want to fly off the handle and become offended. All it takes to become her is a pregnancy and a break up. You want any children that come into the relationship to feel and receive love from everyone, including you.

In part 2, I'll  give the "baby mama's" point of view. You don't want to miss it!

Have you had negative experiences dating a man with children?

Wise Wednesdays: Should My Man Meet My Kids?

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I've seen many go back and forth about whether or not it's appropriate to let children meet the men and women their parents are dating early on.
The majority seems to think that in order to protect the children from potential heartbreak and abuse, he or she must be kept away until the relationship becomes serious.

I disagree.

Here's why.

A few months back, I met a gentleman that I seemed to have a good vibe with. He was a Christian, working on his master's degree, and laid back. I told him upfront that I was a single mother of two children and this didn't seem to deter him. After a little while, we decided that the vibe was so good between us that we wanted to meet. As we began planning our first date, it became more and more apparent that his schedule and mine were conflicting but we kept at it, hopeful that we could work out a time frame. One day, he called me up and told me he had some free time mid week and would it be ok if he came to see me.

Here's where things got interesting.

At first, I wanted to tell him "no" because his coming midweek would mean he would have to meet my children. This caused a little anxiety for me, because I didn't want to "scare him off". But I soon shook it off and decided to use it as a test. I told him that midweek would be fine and that when he arrived, my two children would be with us.

Needless to say, he suddenly had all sorts of excuses for not being able to visit and eventually started becoming distant.

Good riddance.

Here are some important things that I learned from that brief dating experience:

• Approach all potential relationships with the expectation that he will meet your children early on. I know this causes most single mothers some anxiety, but this anxiety should influence your selection process. You cannot hide the fact that you're a mother nor should you keep your responsibilities as a mom hidden from your potential suitor. It would be nice if every time he wanted to see you, you could stop, drop and roll into his arms. But that's not the real world for single moms and he needs to get the right impression UP FRONT of what it means to date a woman with children. Don't let the fear of "scaring him off" cause you to push your children into the background when they should remain in the foreground of your decisions.

• Be accountable to your children.  Knowing that the man you're dealing with must meet your children around the same time he meets you raises the level of accountability in your life. You're far more likely to continue your involvement with the wrong man if you keep your relationship hidden and secret from your children. Holding yourself accountable to only dealing with men you feel comfortable having around your children ultimately keeps your children's safety and well being as top priority.

• Look for red flags early. Now that you've introduced your children to the man you're dating, this is the time to open your eyes and ears for red flags. You're no longer interested in being wined, dined and seduced only; you're making better observations of the man you're potentially giving access to your heart and to your children. Does he make excuses and cancel when it's time to spend time with you and your children but he has all the time in the world when you have a babysitter? Do your children appear to be uncomfortable around him? Does he seem uncomfortable around your children, or annoyed? Now's the time to make a mental note of these warning signs and make wise decisions for yourself and children.

I know there are plenty of moms and dads who would disagree with bringing children into dating relationships early on and understandably so. But if we're honest, most of the people we have dated in the past weren't worth OUR time, let alone our children's. At no point have I said that a mom or a dad should leave their children alone with someone that they haven't gotten to know well.
That is a given!

The take away is that moms (and dads too) should be spending time with men and women who are worthy of meeting their children. Anyone who cannot be introduced to a child is a waste of time! We're not talking about sleepovers and trips to the barbershop alone with your new "possi-boo". We're simply talking about an introduction and everyone sitting down together in the same room, not spending excessive amounts of time with your children. But the person you're dating shouldn't be a mystery to anyone, especially your children.

If the thought of this strikes fear and terror in your heart, then you must ask yourself why you're dealing with that person in the first place.

And for those who say that children shouldn't have to deal with men and women coming in and out of their lives, I would agree. But why should mommy or daddy have men and women coming in and out of their own lives?

 Is bouncing from one relationship to the next healthy behavior?

After that last example I gave, I pretty much brought my foray into the dating world to a close. It's not that I have no desire to meet someone because I do. But I have no desire to have someone who isn't worthy of ALL of us, in my life.

Single moms, you and your children are a family, complete with routines, schedules and traditions. Any potential suitor is welcomed to be a part of that schedule and routine.

But he should NOT be welcome to change it.

When it comes to a single mom dating, everyone, especially the children, should have a say early on.

How do you feel about children being a part of the dating process early on?

The Blame Game...

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It's his fault. It's her fault. It's his family's fault. It's her family's fault.

Blame, blame, blame.

When it comes to being a single parent, a lot of women struggle with anger issues due to the pain of their break ups with their child(rens) father.

It takes a while to move past the tug of war of who's at fault. Maybe he was irresponsible and it's true that maybe she was overbearing and insensitive. There's always plenty of blame to go around.

So what is one to do when trying to move past the issues that arise when the relationship between parents goes sour?

• Don't play the blame game. Not only is it immature to spend all of your energy collecting evidence with which to declare the other parent guilty, it's also irresponsible. I spent a couple of years feeling as if the father of my children was to blame for the way things were. I felt I had good reason. But it is a complete waste of time to find fault rather than solutions for current circumstances. Playing the blame game can and will derail you from advancing in your life.


• Admit it. You're wrong. While working overtime to prove the case of wrongdoing for the other parent, you're overlooking your own faults and shortcomings. For me, I had to acknowledge the fact that it was my choice to enter into a physical relationship with a man that the Holy Spirit warned me clearly ahead of time to avoid. While I could point out this fault and that flaw, the truth was that it was my fault for having ignored the warning signs and plowing through them anyway. When you admit your own wrong in the situation, you then have an opportunity to correct the only person you can control, and that's YOU.


• Say you're sorry. Before you get angry, I'm not talking about apologizing to the other parent. If your circumstance warrants it, that may be necessary to do. But I'm speaking of repenting and asking the Lord for forgiveness for the things you did wrong in the situation. Maybe you were spiteful and used the children as weapons against the father. Maybe you were negligent as a father and abandoned your responsibilities, leaving it all for the mother of your children to bear. Whatever the fault, even if it was simply a harsh word, ask God to forgive you. Humble yourself before God. His Grace is available and once you set aside your pride and seek Him, He is then able to step into your situation and provide you a way out and through it.

Blame is a sign of immaturity. Small children do it all the time. Once something breaks in a room, they immediately point at the other sibling and exclaim, "IT WASN'T ME! HE DID IT!"

But those who are mature realize that even if they didn't break it, they were there when it happened and contributed to the mess.

 Blame takes the focus off of progress and puts everyone in the blame game on hold.

I don't know about you, but I don't have time to live on pause! It's time to move forward and live an abundant life. Moms and dads owe it to their sons and daughters to stop blaming one another and take responsibility for their own actions. Once this happens, then the ability to make changes and progress in life returns.

Have you ever had to deal with a relationship in which blame was a problem?

When God Disappoints You...

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It's been said that relationships are tested in times of great trial. While I believe this to be true, I also believe  testing comes more specifically through disappointment.

Maybe disappointment has come in the form of an unfaithful mate, rebellious child or fair weather friend.

When our earthly relationships disappoint us, we handle them in a variety of ways; revenge, silent treatment, walking away.

But what happens when God disappoints us?
What do we do when we expect God to move in one fashion but He doesn't?
How do we respond when God doesn't do or say what we hoped He would?

Here are some critical things to keep in mind when facing these feelings:

God is God. I know that sounds quite cliche, but it's amazing how we seem to forget this obvious truth in the heat of the moment. His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts, ours. It takes only a small amount of time in reading scripture to realize that when God makes a plan, He often does the opposite of what humanity would expect. But a part of making it past disappointment is remembering who God is. He's GOD- Almighty, All Knowing, and All Seeing.

God is not sentimental. My Apostle, Ricardo Watson puts it this way: "God is good, but He isn't nice". You cannot expect God to treasure everything that you treasure, particularly when that thing stands to block you from entering into your divine destiny and purpose. That could mean a relationship dear to your heart gets severed or a place where you were born and raised, you're led to pack up and leave. When it comes to your life, God will not spare your feelings so that you can die a more comfortable death. He's the giver of life, and sometimes the process of giving you new life turns your current life upside down.

Don't complain. It only makes things worse. Have you ever noticed that complaining does nothing to improve your mood? As a matter of fact, the more you complain, the angrier you become and the worse you feel. Often this build up of emotion leads to sin. King David said, "I will bless the Lord at all times as his praises shall continually be in my mouth". Now before you think, "that's easy for him to say because he's not going through what I'm going through", think again. King David was a man running for his life and dodging flying javelins during the time the psalms were composed. We cannot assume that just because someone has a better attitude than we do that they have a better reason to have one. Some people have WORSE situations than you but have made a decision to praise!

 Keep a praise on your lips in those difficult moments when it seems like God has let you down. It's not easy to praise God when your feelings are hurt but complaining will only compound the problem.

When I weened my children from drinking out of bottles.  you would have thought that I had cut their little hearts to the quick! There were many tears shed and they found it difficult to let the bottles go. But I knew as their mother that the sippy cup was the next stage in their maturity. I knew once they became used to the change, they wouldn't miss their bottles anymore. Likewise, when things in our lives begin to fall away and our worlds shake, we must trust that He's only leading us to a greater place of maturity and promotion. Your relationship with God can survive disappointment if you keep the right attitude.

What are some of the disappointments you've faced in your walk with God?

Relationship Fugitives...

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Fugitive
A person who has escaped from a place or is in hiding, esp. to avoid arrest or persecution.

Imagine with me, if you will, that you're in your home and suddenly you hear a firm knock at the door. When you open the door, standing before you is a handsome man who appears very polite but in a slight hurry. He asks you if he can come in.

What would you do?

Would you let him in or would you tell him, "I'm sorry. I don't know you" and close the door? Some would say, "I wouldn't even answer the door!"

Both of these are good answers but the truth is that we do answer the door and we do "let him in" on a regular basis. Who is he?

He's the relationship fugitive on the run from his past relationship failures that we often call boyfriend, fiancee, and sometimes, husband.

Last month as I was cleaning out my closet I came across a document that was a few years old. It was a copy of an arrest warrant that belonged to my ex boyfriend. I had known of the warrant but this time, it was as if my eyes were opened. The warrant was regarding a fight that occurred between him and his ex girlfriend. He told me that he pushed and slapped her, knocking her glasses off of her face.  But the warrant said, he "punched the victim in her face".

I was stunned. The words "he punched her in her face" rang in my heart like a siren. This was a man I was so deeply in love with and did everything within my power to have him in my life. But as I read the copy of the warrant issued for his arrest, I couldn't help but realize what my willingness to "take him in" actually spelled to the woman he assaulted.

There are countless examples that I can name of where women have completely ignored a man's past, believing that his future was bright merely because he was with her. But it is not only foolish, it is also dangerous not to dig deeper into a man's past and require that he be accountable for the good, bad and the ugly that it contains.
Here are some signs that will indicate to you whether or not you're dealing with someone who is a fugitive from his or her past relationships and using their involvement with you as their hide out:

• He/she refuses to entertain any detailed discussion about their past. This is probably the most obvious red flag. While it is unfair to judge someone merely on their past (we all have one) it is not unfair to expect for someone to be accountable for their mistakes and be able to explain to you how they've made amends, if necessary, and worked through those mistakes. If they shut down at the mere mention of their past, you just may be dealing with someone who's running from their past and seeking shelter with you.
• It's his/her ex's fault. Beware of the man or woman who cannot take personal responsibility for a relationship's demise. This person's head is full of blaming thoughts which leaves absolutely no room for them to take personal responsibility for their own actions. While it takes two to tango, it only takes one to be accountable.
• What's the hurry? Does he or she seem to be moving a little too fast? While you may be tempted to find this flattering, instead take it as a warning. Remember the handsome man we imagined at the beginning of the post, knocking earnestly at our door asking if he can come in? What if he just robbed the nearby QuickMart? Solid relationships take time to build. Be leery of people who are in a hurry to cohabitate, have a sexual relationship with you and progress towards marriage, all while systematically avoiding direct accountability and questioning of their pasts. That's a man or woman on the run.

One of the greatest life lessons to learn is that you can't control other people. But that's a good thing because the person in need of the most control is SELF. It takes discipline to slow down and consider the bigger picture rather than letting emotions drive every decision you make. There are too many women who content themselves with being in relationships with men who treat them well but refuse to be accountable for children that they've created outside of their relationship. There are too many women who like me, knew he put his hands on another woman but said, "He's never hit me", so that was "them". It's time out for being fugitives in relationships and giving fugitives safe haven in our lives. We must be willing to both ask and answer the tough questions. Accountability is not optional.

It's not "judging" to expect for a man to explain to you what he's done about having six children with four different women, particularly if he's interested in being with YOU. There's nothing wrong with asking a woman why she's had so many boyfriends in such a short span of time.

It's time we required accountability to be front and center in all of our relationships. While it's tempting to think only of ourselves when it comes to love and happiness, we must make sure that the person we're enamoured with hasn't left a trail of victims, for which they refuse to be accountable for.

Otherwise, the person you're in bed with just might be a fugitive, literally and figuratively.


Have you experienced relationship fugitives in your life?

Bad Boyz

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He cheats. He lies. He won't come home at night. He has other children with other women while he's supposedly in a committed relationship. He won't keep a legitimate job. He's a hustler. He's a "dope boy". He's gangster.

He's a bad boy. And oh, how we love bad boys. I've seen otherwise intelligent women (myself included) fall under the spell of these men, completely captivated, and at times, appearing to be addicted to them. Maybe there's something intoxicating about being with a man who's always two steps ahead of the law, living on the run, and always in need of at least $150 and never faithful.

But let's face it though. His alternative isn't very appealing. We all know the good guy well. When we were in school, he was the one who carried our books for us and never got asked to the prom. In the workplace, he's the guy who shows us how to work the copier every week. He's the nice guy, the nerd. He's the guy who brings absolutely no surprises to the table. He is consistent and predictable. He is stable and secure. He's honest, he's willing to love us the way we deserve to be loved. He's also unattractive in comparison to the bad boy and just plain BORING! lol!

But bad boys are expensive, both financially and emotionally. He is looking for a sponsor, someone to fund his poorly executed plans and someone to turn around and clean up the aftermath of said plans. Bad boys are like investment property with more problems than the buyer realized. You set the budget at $50,000 and a short while into the renovation, you're already at $70,000 with no working kitchen and no end in sight. Bad boys are EXPENSIVE! I repeat: EXPENSIVE!!!

Yes, bad boys are more interesting. When you're in your 20's, high speed chases and cat fights in the middle of the street make for good facebook status updates and youtube clips. But once you hit 30 and older, it doesn't look like anything but the PROBLEM it is.

Here are some things single women should keep in mind before dating a bad boy:

•  What am I afraid of? Most women who repeatedly go for the guy who can't seem to stay faithful and shows little interest in doing so secretly have commitment issues of their own. Maybe you're trying to avoid being hurt again. But seriously, is wasting the best years of your life with a man who won't honor and protect you doing what's best for you?


• It's time to require more from your relationship! Most women who hook up with bad boys say they want a good time and enjoy the thrills and sometimes chills involved in dating an unstable man. But the truth of the matter is that many women have simply given up on having a standard for men due to disappointment. But relationships are not recreation. The right relationship can change your life for the better. Likewise, the wrong one could change it permanently for the worse. You can't afford to take your love life casually. You also can't afford to allow a person who is out of control to be behind the wheel of your life and destiny.

• Do I want my daughter to end up with a Bad Boy? While it may be justifiable to entertain such a man while you're a single lady, the stakes become even higher when children are involved. You are your children's main role model and their first lessons on relationships come from you. If you don't want your daughter being taken for a dangerous ride or your son flexing his bad boy muscles, it's time to figure out if a few moments of passion are worth it to your family.
  
•  Ask God for a good mix of spontaneity and predictability in a man. We don't need a thug but we don't want Steve Urkel either. Let's find the happy medium in prayer. We want to be with someone we can enjoy this earthly life with as well as someone who edifies us spiritually. God knows our needs and desires. The important thing is that we seek Him first, even when it comes to who we should be involved with.

If your life is currency, then a bad boy is a high risk investment. There's more to lose than there is to gain by getting caught up with him. If he does happen to make a turnaround, how much will it have cost you? I'm not telling anyone to leave their bad boy if they have one. Pray for him. But above all, pray that God's will be done in YOU. After all, why would a "good" girl want a bad boy?  It's time to take inventory.

Pray that the man after God's own heart would be the man that comes into your life.  If your bad boy isn't changing, give him your love, say good bye and move forward into your divine destiny that is filled with the blessings and favour of God. Don't hide your life behind a bad boy. It's time to live the victorious life that God has planned for you!