Blessed Routine...

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Today started off as any other school day. I got up with a start (because I over slept), I got school clothes ironed, I got the children up out of their beds. I made their breakfast and packed Cait's lunch. I made sure teeth were brushed, papers signed, backpacks were packed. I laid my hands on them, covered them, covered their schools, as I've always done. I gave them hugs and I went to work and they went to school.

But something happened to me as I drove to the school this afternoon to pick up my son Matthew. I became overwhelmed with emotion. Pretty soon, I couldn't hold back the tears.
My heart broke as I realized so many parents in Connecticut were just like me last week, rushing around, and sending their beloved children off to school without another thought. Then suddenly, their worlds collapsed and darkness descended upon them with a heaviness that threatened to smother them.

I've been strong up til today but today, I just decided to feel and to cry.
By the time I got to my daughter's preschool, I jumped out and hugged every teacher I could. I know them well and they know me. I'm not ashamed to admit that those women at St. Andrews Child Development Center have partnered with me in raising my children. They call me if Caitlyn seems even the slightest bit different. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in my absence, they are the mothers.

I hugged them and thanked them. I told each of them that not just now but for months, I've been covering each of them in prayer. I thanked them for sacrificing their lives to show compassion and love to children. I told them they weren't staff members. They were family. Mrs. Suzie, Mrs. Melissa, Mrs. Tami, Mrs. Ross, Mrs. Shannon...all of these women are an extension of my family.
I'm grateful to God for allowing my children to be a part of such great schools.
I'm grateful today to still have the routine of caring for and enjoying the love, laughs, and presence of my dear children.

It's easy to complain when you're running late and when someone whines, complains and spills juice for the 100th time on your couch or tan carpet. But life has a way of bringing you perspective. And for those of us who have the sobering reality of being comforters instead of mourners today, we can't help but take a moment to say thank you Lord and nip the complaints in the bud.
Everything may not be perfect and Lord knows things aren't always easy. But God has been so good and the real treasures in life cannot be replaced.

I love the Word of God and I love ministering to His people in a variety of ways. But at the end of the day, I'm someone's mom. And today, more than ever, I realize how blessed I am to be able to say this.
My prayers are with the grieving families in Newtown, CT. I have no flowing words of encouragement nor great oratory masterpiece to give. I'm just a mom today. And my heart aches for the moms just like me who are in a night season of grief right now.
One of the hardest things to fathom in the night is that there is a daybreak to look forward to.
And as crazy as this may be to hear or even to believe, even in this deep darkness, the light will shine again. And I'll pray for you when you can't pray for yourself until that glorious day breaks for you again.
Hold on Newtown...
Hold on.

One Month From Today..

I'll turn 35.

I have so many thoughts concerning this age.

Stayed tuned! I'll be sharing them with you all real soon.
Remain blessed! -Mel

"Am I Ready For A Good Man?"



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So many women are quick to say that they desire to be in a relationship with a good man. I've even said so myself. However, I had to sit down and do some soul searching. I had to ask myself if I really wanted a good man.

But why would I ask myself such a question? The answer should be obvious because a good man is responsible, dependable, trustworthy;  he's a godly man of character and integrity. Those are some of the major characteristics that can be found in a good man. Who wouldn't want that, right?

However, when I began to look at my own past decisions and actions, I came to the conclusion that what I was saying and what I was doing weren't lining up. I SAID I wanted a godly man, but the man I was with wasn't saved.

I SAID I wanted a man who was trustworthy and dependable, but I was with a man who was as sneaky as they came and who loved to stay out all night long with one lame excuse after the next.

So, just like I had to keep it real with myself, I'm going to keep it real with you now.

Before you can have what it is that you say you desire, you must be willing to look at your own life and actions to see if what you say you desire and what you do are in agreement.

In order to attract good people into your life, you must first hold those values and attributes that make them "good" in high esteem. Do your friends entertain foolishness, lie, cheat and can't be trusted? Do those you hold in close fellowship reflect godly values? How does your life and your actions reflect the values you claim to treasure the most?

You see, you cannot attract what you do not first honor.

Do you honor God?
Do you honor those who walk in integrity and good character?
Have you found godly mentors who reflect a godly pattern of relationship?
Do you invest time and resources into those things that are "good"?
Do you place high value on wisdom?

 In order to get a good man, you have value good things.

That's why so many women (and men) end up in relationships that are the opposite of what their mouths say they want.

They end up with what they invest the most of their time, energy and resources into. They end up with the people who reflect their own values.

So that ex you continue to put down? Yea, you picked him or her and it's time you sat down and got real about the condition of your own heart that led you to choose such a person in the first place.  The truth is, there was something in you that loved and valued something in them. And if you're not careful, you'll ignore the fact that you are still holding on to destructive proclivities and appetites that led you to hold on to people and things that are not for your good.

If you do not honor God in your daily living, you will gravitate to men and women who also do not honor God. You can say with your mouth all day long that you value people with such a strong relationship with God. But once you enter into relationship with them, you'll find them boring and eventually, your eyes will wander over to the person who reflects what your truly value.

Oh, you ain't gotta say "Amen" today church. I KNOW I'm preachin!

This is meant to be a wake-up call to woman and men who have found themselves, time after time, in relationships that went nowhere and left them feeling used and abused. The Spirit is telling you to search your own heart and stop blaming your ex's for your own unholy desires. Blame is blinding and can keep us locked into unhealthy patterns.

 Until you change what you honor, you will not change what you attract.

Until you honor things like peace, truth, righteousness, holiness, dependability, and maturity, you will not attract those things into your life.

If all of your ex's have been terrible, then it's time to ask the Lord to reveal what's inside of your heart that He can remove and cleanse. Until this happens, you're not ready for a good man or woman.

How does your life reflect your honor, value, and appreciation for the things that make up a good man or woman?

Use your time of singleness to remove those things from your life that do not value righteousness, integrity and character. Replace those things with godly representations.

Then, you'll be on your way to becoming ready for a good man.

How To Help A Friend That's In A Bad Relationship...



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Most of us remember the time we were in that relationship that was bad for us but nobody, and I do mean, NOBODY could convince us otherwise.
We also remember going to our friends in tears, hurting and desperate for hope.
Some of us know what it feels like to be that friend that's on the other end of a tearful phone call or sitting across the sofa from a girlfriend who's an emotional mess.
As the supportive friend, you want to be there for your friend who is obviously hurting. But the hidden truth that not to many people admit to is that being there for a hurting friend often ends up hurting you.

How so you ask?

For starts, it hurts to be the one to pick up a friend from the ground, listen to them for hours, comfort and pray, and give them sound advice, all for them to go back to the painful situation that hurt them to begin with.
So what can you do, as a true friend to support your hurting friend but protect your own heart?

Here are a few things to keep in mind when being there for a friend who isn't ready to let go of a tumultuous relationship:

1. Listening is enough. Don't feel compelled to do more than this. If your friend has a pattern of running to you and others when things get especially rough in their relationship, then this time is just one of many. Show compassion with a willingness to be a listening ear first. Let your friend know that you are someone they can trust.
2. Remember change begins with choices, not chatter. The truth is that if your friend really wanted to change their situation, they would not be on the phone with you or crying on your sofa. Changing their situation begins with a decision that only they can make. And trust me, when they're at the point of making that major decision, it won't be done in a crowd of friends or with an audience of sympathizers. When she's ready to let go of the drama, she won't be venting, she'll be moving.
3. Resist the temptation to offer advice. Most of us who have been the supportive friend know that this is the one question that can make or break a friendship so avoid it. If she asks you whether or not she should leave, don't fall for it. When a woman talks about her relationship, you must understand that she can personally dog the relationship but when anyone from the outside does so (including her closest friends), she immediately seeks to defend it. Women draw a large part of their identity and self worth from the relationships they invest in so to attack her relationship is to attack her. Instead of falling into this pit, go back to step one. Remind her that you are there to listen. This is your loving way of saying to her, "You must take responsibility for what you're going through and I refuse to have it dumped on me". If you tell her to leave her man, this will most likely happen: "When she leaves, she'll feel it was because of what you said, and not because of what she wanted. And when she reconciles with her man (which she most likely will do several times), she'll resent you. The decision to leave a relationship must always be her decision, not yours. Refuse to get drawn into that trap.

We love our friends, sometimes like our own blood relatives. It's easy to see how we can take on their pain and often, their drama. But hopefully, if we apply the wisdom of God to situations like this, we can guard our hearts and keep them offense free. No one wants to lose a dear friend over a relationship but sometimes it does happen. However, by keeping these key things in mind, it is possible to avoid the heartache that comes with dealing with a friend who's in a rocky relationship.

Again, the choice to leave is hers, not yours and the both of you must keep this in mind at all times.  And lastly, venting is fine, but we also teach people how to treat us. Venting can be a very emotionally draining experience for a genuine friend. One way to lovingly put limits and boundaries around your friend's venting sessions is to literally give it a time limit. Most of us are willing to pull all nighter's for girlfriends who are emotionally broken. Yes, you should be there for her. But after a period of time, release her. Yep, I said it. After she has talked for a period of time, let her go. Tell her that you're going to give her space and time to meditate and pray about what she's going through. She may not want to get off the phone or leave, and at first, you may not want her to. But you don't want you friend to depend on you. You want her to draw her strength from the Lord. What happens when you're unavailable or facing challenges of your own? Will she fall apart?  Love you friend enough to set boundaries and encourage them to find more productive ways to deal with their emotional turmoil besides dumping it all on you continuously.
Trust me, after you've had enough time alone with your thoughts, eventually, you'll come to yourself and realize that hurting is a pattern you don't want to continue following.

Question: What experience have you had with girlfriends who are in rocky relationships? How did you handle it?

I'm In Love Y'all!! Woo Hoo!!!

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Hello everyone. I just wanted to give a quick greeting. I know I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I used to and I could blame it on a lot of things, but the truth of the matter is that I'm in love.
You know how it is when you're in love; you just don't seem to have time for all of the other things that you used to do. All you can think about is getting back to your lover, staring in his eyes, listening to his voice and hearing his sweet words flow over you like warmth and comfort.
Yea, I know you remember what it's like to be in love.
Well, I'm in love for sure. I'm looking at my schedule and it's rearranged. I'm looking at my interests and they've changed. I'm sure if you asked my friends, they'd tell you "something is different about her".
And they'd be right.
Something is different and something has changed.
I'm in LOVE people! LOL! Love changes you.
And love ignites you with a passion for life and living that cannot be explained, only experienced.
So yea, don't hate.
I'm in love.
And I'm so happy because for the longest time, I didn't feel loved. For years, I felt rejected, like no one wanted me and I wasn't good enough for any one's time or any one's sacrifice. I just wanted to matter to somebody- anybody.
But today, I can truly say my heart has found what it's been searching for.

No, let me tell the truth.
He found me.

He's an incredible lover and friend.
He was even there through all my heartbreaks and breakup's.
Can you imagine that?
Who DOES that?!
He did.
So yea bear with me. You know how it is when you're in love.
He's the first thing you talk about and the last thing on your mind every night.
You get on every one's nerves by how much you talk about your relationship and he always seems to make his way into EVERY conversation.
That's what being in love does to you.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it and I don't feel bad.
I waited a long time for this so now is not the time to feel shy, shame, or intimidated.
I'm sorry you're hurting and if you are, I have one thing to tell you...
My lover can be yours too.
He'll love you like He loves me and give you what you need to stop chasing after pretend lovers.
He's the real thing.
No, He's not trying to becoming your everything.

 He's trying to show you that He already is.

And everything you could possibly ever want or need, it's in Him.

About three years ago while I was sitting in the parking lot of the county jail, early one morning, about to visit my lover who was serving a 6 month sentence, I decided to read the love letters of the Lover of my soul.
My heart was torn and my emotions were a mess. I didn't know what else to do but to turn to Him.
And from that moment on, we began talking to each other again...little by little til eventually, we established a new and better relationship.

That old lover who was in jail got out and went back to his old ways. He eventually walked out the door. But the Lover of my soul moved right into my heart and refused to let it be empty another day.
Took some time for the pain to subside and some days, it still hurts...just a little.
But the Lover of my soul hasn't run off. He's still with me, helping me through. Showing me how to move beyond my past failures and see myself as He sees me: Beautiful, royal, and His.

I know you want to be in love just like I did.
And I know you know how to love, just like I did.

But the question is, who will you love and who really loves you?

Selah.

A Poem: "For Him..."

You loved me with everything you had.
And even though that may not have been much to some and not enough for me,
It was all you had to give. You gave it, and I received it.
I will always be your girl in that world to which we belonged.
And my soul will long for you there.
For as long as you had me, I was completely yours.
For as often as you need me, I will be here for you.
I don't apologize for loving you still.
I can't apologize for love.
I apologize for mistakes I make.
And loving you was never ever a mistake.
Maybe I made wrong assumptions and there were times my timing was ill timed.
But the decision to love you was never wrong.
And I will not put love on trial because my heart was wounded in the heat of passion.
Love still is and always will be the sweet song that plays softly against the noisy refrains of life.
And love is the reason I even know you from Adam in this world.
And it's the reason you knew me.
Maybe you don't know me as well as you could have and as much as you should have
But trust me, you know enough.
You have known my love and frankly, isn't that enough?
That's enough to know and all there is to know.
I'll spare you the details and the biography; the never ending sob story.
All you need to know is love.
You felt it. You saw it. You had it.
While I can admit I was an imperfect messenger
That takes nothing away from the message.
What I delivered to you in shaky hands and in unclear speech was love.
And that love is still as beautiful today
As the day you said "I do" to the one you wanted then but no longer want now.
And I forgive you because it's about love, not me.
Love hired me and I can only represent love's purity, not my own insecurities.
I work for Love, not for drama.
I live for love, not for pain.
What do I have to gain from love?
Eternal life.
Forever to live, breathe and enjoy love.
Forever to thank the Lover of my Soul for the pleasure of loving others as He loved me- Unconditionally.
Love is a seed that grows over time and I know it's planted within you.
I may not be there at harvest time
But when you reap, you'll think of me.

*This piece was written as an artistic expression of the continuity of all the relationships I've had with men, from the beginning of my life til now. I hope you enjoy it.* -Mel

The Healing Process...

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Back in February, I had a freak accident involving broken glass from a picture frame. The gash was deep and probably required stitches, but I was about to go out of town and didn't want to be bothered with a doctor's office. So I cleaned the wound, put on some antibiotic ointment, covered it all under a big bandage, and kept it moving.

That was almost 9 months ago.

Today, the wound is completely closed, but there's an ugly scar left behind. The scar didn't surprise me. I figured it served me right for not getting it stitched up like I should have. But what surprised me the most was that even after all this time, and all these months, the place where I was cut is still tender.

And so is life.

I do my very best to be as transparent as possible in my writings. For the most part I try to strike an encouraging tone but the fact of the matter is that I have scars of my own that are still tender to the touch.

Just recently, I worked up the nerve to throw away some old love letters that I'd been holding on to from an ex. First of all, let me just say that I love words. I treasure them. So when someone takes the time to write me something, especially by hand, which he did, I hang on to those letters for dear life. But over time, and slowly but surely, I've come to realize that what I felt to receive the letters and what he felt while writing them wasn't the same. There was a point in time when I would sit on the edge of my bed and read each letter, one by one. My eyes would fill with tears as I searched each line for answers to questions that he left me with.

Just recently, I became ok with not knowing "why" to everything. And the truth is, I did know why. It just took me this long to believe and accept it as truth.

Unfortunately people do things for less than pure motives all the time. The don't set out to do harm- most don't. But harm, they do. Hearts find themselves breaking and wondering how they'll ever mend.

One of the most unspoken things among mothers is the enormous amount of personal pain we carry in addition to our daily duties and responsibilities. Often we cry in silence and suffer there too. Our emotional problems and issues must be tabled for the sake of caring for and nurturing our children. Somehow we must find a way to surpress our inner struggles and emotional disturbances to meet the needs and demands of those we love and those we're obligated to.
And some moms crack under the pressure.

From the time my son was born in 2006 until 2010, my life felt like it was spinning out of control. There was no time to process all of my emotions and deal with those things that had wounded my heart so deeply. But then in 2010, I began to crack under the pressure. Before I knew it, everything that I'd built and believed in for four years was lying in a pile of rubble. I was forced to deal with emotions I'd stuffed down for a very long time.

I want you to know, before I close, that healing is a process. If you're reading this and you are a mother or a wife, then I understand that you feel at times overwhelmed and sometimes like there's no opportunity to heal. If you're reading this and you're at the beginning of the grieving process of your broken heart, you may feel as if you will never reach a place where the heaviness and pain subsides enough for you to begin living your life again.  But just like that deep wound on my arm, the healing process may take time, but it is taking place. It took a couple of months before the wound closed and another couple of months before the pain went away. And now, while the wound is closed completely and I can put clothes on and off with no pain, there are moments that if too much pressure is applied to the area, it is still tender.

There will be days when you feel as if you're ok and then something will happen or something will be said that reminds you that there's a place in your heart that's still tender.
 Please don't ignore this. Your best option in moments like these is prayer. I'm not talking about bless my cat and dog prayers. I'm speaking of laying your heart out before the Lord and asking Him for the help you need. And sometimes,  the only prayer a broken heart can manage is "Lord, help me!"

It may be slow, it may take time and it may be painful, but trust and believe, the healing process has begun in your life.

Don't give up on the difficult days. Don't doubt your progress when something is said or done that takes you back to a painful place and brings tears to your eyes.

I held on to those love letters for YEARS, and my eyes filled with tears at the thought of ever letting them go.
And then one day I just woke up and realized it was time to let it go.
And I realized that although it was a tender place, it wasn't the same hurting, open wound that it used to be.

Healing is indeed a process and God is faithful to heal you if you'll only trust and believe that He will...in due time.

The Problem With Dating "Potential"...

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Most of us have done it, at least once or twice in our dating lives. We fell for the guy who had so much potential. He drew us in with his charm, won us over with his sweet talk and blinded us with his lofty daydreams. How many times did we defend him to our family and friends with statements like, "I know we have our issues but he has so much potential! He's really talented and if he would only apply himself a little more...stop doing "X" and start doing "Z", he'd make it!"?

Then we go on to spend years and years investing in "potential" but getting very little in return.

That's why I've stopped dating potential.

No, I'm not saying that I'm swearing off men and joining a convent. But I'm saying that I've decided that dating a man for who he has the potential to be hasn't been working out for me, and if you're reading this, it probably hasn't been working out for you either.

The better way to go would be for us to stop dating the man with potential and start dating the man with CHARACTER.

You see, all of us have the potential to be great and succeed in life. But the numbers quickly decline when we begin to count the number of people who have the character it takes to get there and STAY there.
While it's noble of you to be head over heels in love with your future entrepreneur, it's foolish to think a man who doesn't have the discipline to draft a business plan, see that plan all the way through, network and go after his goals and dreams will be anything more to you than a daydreamer.

But what happens when you date a man of character and integrity?

Not only does he have potential, but his potential becomes something you can see and feel in a  short amount of time- not years or decades. He puts legs to his ideas and his goals. He doesn't just talk about it- HE IS about it! He's not sitting around trying to sell you on what he wants to accomplish in life. He's taking you along for the ride straight to the top. He may not have much now, but at the rate he's going, you can see clearly, it won't be long before he accomplishes everything in his heart to do. Why? It's because he's focused, determined and disciplined enough to stand by his word and see a plan through from start to finish.

Does that sound like the "potential" you've dated in the past?

I didn't think so.

And that's precisely why I'll never date mere "potential" again.

Potential is something we all have.
But CHARACTER takes the raw material of potential and turns it into something meaningful and useful.

King Solomon, in his wisdom, put it this way:

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men."  Proverbs 22:29

Not only must he have a plan, he must also have corresponding actions for those plans and enough self discipline to see it through. You can't even get the "potential" you're dating to get off the couch and put on a clean shirt!  Plans without actions are fables. Sure, women can inspire men and take them to new heights in their earthly pursuits. But no woman is capable of being the visionary and executor of any man's plan for his own life. That takes the exercise of his own character, discipline, resolve- the tried stones that lay the foundation of a real man.

Good looks and smooth talk may get him on the court, but good character will keep him in the game. And when it's all said and done, we want someone who's built to last, not ready to run.

I Was Bullied.

Does this look like the face of a woman who was bullied as a child?
I'm sure many of my friends who don't know all of the details of my childhood would find it hard to believe that a woman who stands  5'11', and weighs 255 lbs (I aint shame, I'm CUTE! lol!) was once bullied.
Yep.
I was.
My sister and I were bullied in elementary school. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was shorter than them. Maybe because my skin was darker. Or maybe it was because of the dark circles under my eyes from asthma.
Whatever the reason on whatever day, I was chased home, screaming and in fear of my life and my sister's life everyday by two bullies.
My parents did all they could to protect us and eventually, made the decision and sacrifice to no longer allow us to ride the bus to school, where between the bus stop and school bus, the majority of the bullying took place.
As we got older, my sister became more popular and I was protected... a little. That is, until she graduated and left me to face my bullies alone.
And then my bullies became a different sort. They weren't threatening me with physical violence. How could they? I was over 5'8" by the end of middle school. Now they were the cliques and clubs who made you feel "less than" because you didn't wear certain clothes or were from a certain neighborhood. Eventually, I took refuge in the school library where I spent the majority of my lunch breaks.
I didn't eat lunch.
It wasn't because I wasn't hungry.
It was because I'd rather starve than be made fun of again... and again... and again.
So I did.
Starve.
It wasn't until my junior year, when I was finally able to go off campus for my art studies that I began to eat lunch again. I felt safe and accepted in my new environment with the fine arts crowd.

And that's how I survived middle school and high school.

I'm thankful that my story isn't as traumatic as many young people that I've heard in recent months, but the fact is, many of us, and probably even YOU, know what it feels like to be picked on. Or maybe you found yourself defending and befriending someone who was picked on or bullied.
There were a few heroes in my school days who would come and sit with me in the library after they'd eaten their lunch in the cafeteria.

Thank you.

As a mommy to two of the most amazing children in the world, I feel duty bound to do something to try to make the world they're living in a better place. If that means admitting that I too was once bullied, then so be it.
If it means removing the shame and secrecy off of something that has plagued so many of us for years, then so be it.
As you can see, I'm not the frightened little girl with dark circles under her eyes (I use a GREAT concealer now.. LOL!) who doesn't have a voice and feels terrified and petrified.

Oh yea, before I go...
One day, a couple of years after being chased by the two bully brothers (they were actually blood brothers, I'm serious) I was riding my bike in the neighborhood and ran into the both of them. I was way taller than them and way bigger than them... WAY bigger. At that moment, staring the source of my torment in the face, I felt an overwhelming sense of empowerment. I wasn't afraid of him, I was insulted! I was scared of YOU?! Needless to say, they didn't try to fight me or steal my bike from me.
I was in charge now.

And that's the truth that bullies don't want you to know. They try to tear you down because they see you on your way UP. And it rattles their own insecurities to see you shining your light, every single day.

Don't give up. I know it's tough being bullied every single day. I found places to hide. I found friends who let me be myself. I found a release in visual arts. Maybe yours is music. Whatever it is, don't let them dim your light. Please...
Don't let them.

In a little while, no one will be able to stop your shine.

Don't Date- INVESTIGATE!

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While most single ladies my age would welcome a relationship if a good one presented itself, it's also a reality that many of us are just about tired of trying. We've spent more than a decade in the dating world and after meeting some not-so-stellar candidates for our heart, we've all but given up our quest to find love.But just before you throw in the towel, consider with me, if you will, a new approach.
The bible tells us to be "wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove". While we practice what the bible preaches in other areas of our lives like how to get the best deal at the supermarket or from a mechanic, most of us drop this principle by the wayside when it comes to dating.

Here are some important keys to keep in mind that will help you make the most out of your dating experience and walk away from any situation, good or bad, with your dignity and heart still in tact:

1. Realize that the playing field is level, at least initially. So many women approach a dating situation like a potential employee being interviewed by her boss. He may listen to Rick Ross and feel like he's the biggest boss, but that doesn't make him the boss of you! Don't forget that while you're being sized up to also size him up! You don't have a lot of time on this level playing field so it's important that you take in as many observations as possible in the first few moments of meeting him. After all, you're trying determine if the man before you is indeed a worthy investment of your time or if the two of you are just doing a great job of covering up the incompatibility between you.
2. Believe what you see! So many of us have met a gentleman online who impressed us with lengthy conversations and impressive text messages, but upon meeting him, we were disappointed by the way he carried himself. Let's be real here ladies. Even when you're chillin, you're on point! So why is his faded graphic tee shirts and love for sneakers in every photograph acceptable to you? Nine times out of ten, this gentleman will not be willing to dress up and take you anywhere and if he does dress up, he'll make it clear that he is not a happy camper. Do you really want to deal with that six months from now? Better to observe in 6 minutes and keep the line movin' than after 6 months when you're trying to make it work and save face.
3. Believe what you hear! Did he REALLY just ask your cup size? Did he REALLY just ask you when was the last time you had sex? Unless you're working as a bra model or he's a gynecologist,  these questions, asked by him in the name of "honesty", are inappropriate at best and a huge RED FLAG at worse. While it may be tempting to write those little slips of common decency off, you must stay present. You're investigating. This is the man on his BEST behavior. He's already discussing your underwear and your sexual behavior before he knows anything about you as a person. Sounds like a guy who's really interested in getting to know you outside of the bedsheets, right? Moving right on along.
4. Believe what you feel. This guy is heaven sent! He's dressed to impress, he's respectful. He looks good on paper and he even bought over a new toy for your cat Whiskers (aww!). But something just doesn't feel right about him. You can't put your finger on it and you have no evidence to support your uneasiness, but it just won't go away. This is called "discernment"; and this is the Holy Spirit telling you, "I know something you don't know and have no way of knowing. You can either trust Me, because I don't lie, or you can trust him, a complete stranger".  Because you're investigating and not dating, nor have you invested more of your time and energy than you should without said investigation, you can quickly lose his number and trust that you won't be trying to dial 911 from the inside of his trunk, thanks to the Holy Ghost.

A lot of women feel victimized by the whole dating process and have nothing but horror stories to tell. But it's time that women of God arose in power and most importantly, WISDOM.

Dating is not a marriage so why are you doing the most in it?!  It is a time that should be well spent in respectfully gathering the needed information about someone to make an informed decision. Just because someone may not qualify to be your spouse doesn't mean you haven't met a good friend or someone with whom you can network.

 Just because it's been months (or years) since you had a date doesn't mean you should tolerate any and all behavior.  You have a lot to offer to a man who can see your true value and worth.
But it's up to YOU to make sure you're not giving someone the keys to your heart that you didn't even take the time to get to know. Don't leave your good mind in your purse! Take it out, use it and observe. And once you've investigated, make no apologies whatsoever for the conclusions you draw.
Trust me...

He won't.

What are your thoughts on trading in dating for investigating?

The Weeping Warrior...

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If life is a battlefield, then we're all soldiers. Each day that we climb out of our beds and head into the warzone, we come under enemy fire.

For some of us, we come under fire on our jobs. For others, we're under fire in our marriages and relationships.

Still others are under fire from the stress, strain and pressure of responsibilities. Everyone looks to us to be the strong, level headed one while all the rest are falling apart. When everything is confusing, we're the one who's supposed to make sense of it all.

We face each day and we fight. We take our hits. We see casualties all around.
We fall into the foxholes of our beds every night and await the crack of dawn which tells us it's almost time to get up and fight again.

Behind our swords, our shields and our helmets, many people cannot see that our eyes are filled with tears. We struggle to see the road we're driving on, our vision blurred during our morning commute, alone in the car with our fears and our tears.

The tears roll down the sides of our faces and pool onto our pillows at night as fellow soldiers lay sleeping next to us, unaware of our pain and heartache.

We fight everyday... just to hold on...just to believe...
Just to have faith.

But faith is a "good fight". It's the one fight worth engaging in. That doesn't make it easy though. There are days the tears fall before our hands can catch them. There are moments the ache of sorrow builds up in our throats, threatening to come out in the deepest cry.

But we fight on.
We fight for our lives.
We fight for our children.
We fight the good fight of faith.
We fight because we refuse to allow everything we've been through, everything we've suffered, and everything we've ever lost to be in vain.

We fight, believing that the victory is just on the other side of the hill. We can take the mountain and plant our flag on its peak...that is, if we don't give up.
Somewhere between those dull aches of pain, those cruel reminders of past battles we lost, we realize that we can and we will win the war. Tired as we may be, we believe that someway, somehow...

It isn't all in vain.

We believe that the race isn't one of speed, but of endurance.
So we get out of bed.
We do the dishes.
We fight rush hour traffic.
We confront the issues of our relationships and marriages, day after day. We are armed with the shield of faith and the Sword of the Spirit.

The mightiest may have a broken heart.
Warriors cry sometimes.
There are days that even soldiers shed tears.

But we fight on my friend.

We fight on.

Where Morning Begins...

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I was seven years old when I had the experience that laid the foundation for what I'm about to write today.

 My father was a part of the church choir and one day our choir was invited to sing at a church located in Detroit, MI. This meant a long road trip for my family and the other choir members. We began our journey from Greenville, SC to Detroit, MI in the evening and I can remember falling asleep and waking up a couple of hours later. What happened next is what changed my life.

My mom noticed that I was awake and she said to me, "Good morning".
I was completely puzzled. I asked, "Mama, why did you say good morning? It's still night time". She said, "It's still dark outside but at 12:01, it becomes morning".
It was almost more than my little mind could conceive and it's a moment in time that I'll never forget.

It's dark outside...
But it's a new day.
It looks like night time, but really, it's morning.

That's the encouragement I want to bring to you today. You may be in a season of your life that appears dark. Everything around you is telling you that you're still in your night season. But the truth is that a new day begins in darkness!

If you can hold out just a little while longer, you'll see the sunrise.

So even now, while you're facing darkness, go ahead and do like my mama did, 27 years ago. Proclaim, "Good morning!" over you life and watch the light begin to appear.

Me, My Boyfriend & His Baby Mama Pt 2

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B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A!

Ok. Now that I have your attention. lol!
Isn't it funny how two little words can evoke so many different emotions all at once?! 
Be sure to check out Part 1 here of the girlfriend's perspective if you missed it.  Today, we're addressing baby mama's perspective.

So baby mama, your former boyfriend, fiancee or husband has moved on and found someone new. While most evolved women would say this is a non issue to them, the truth is that it has created challenges for many women. While it feels like everyone thinks you're a drama queen, it's not too often that the parties involved pause to consider your point of view.

What are the top things that "baby mamas" contend with?

1. Being pre-judged. Almost instantly, it is assumed that any negativity that arises in a co-parenting arrangement originates from you. Being pre-judged only makes your stress level and attitude WORSE.

2. Lack of communication. Communicating with the father of your children can be difficult, particularly when his significant other doesn't approve. This only compounds the issues that creep into the co-parenting arrangement.

3. Unresolved issues.Whatever caused the romantic relationship your shared with the father of your children to crash and burn is often never properly resolved. The fact that the two of you have not dealt with your past issues tends to haunt you both throughout the co-parenting experience.

4. We may not share a bed, but we do share a responsibility!  It's one thing to be told when to call and when not to come by because of his new relationship, and it's another when he doesn't seem to pick up the burden of responsibility on his own, now that you've backed off. It can be very frustrating and create tension between everyone involved.

I could go on and on about the things that "baby mamas" deal with and go through. So, what's a baby mama to do when she's dealing with the father of her children and his "new woman"?

1. Don't be petty. Sounds simple, right? Well, far too many of us aren't getting the memo. It may be true that his girlfriend/wife/fiancee disrespected you the last time you tried to call him but bringing that up in conversation now only makes baby daddy that much more inclined to ignore your calls. It's imperative that you stay focused on purpose of your call and the need of your child and resist the urge to be petty. You may only get one shot to talk to this man so please, make it count and keep it to the point.

2. So what he has a girlfriend! It's really not that serious. It's not critical that you meet his new woman, particularly if he nor she desires to meet you. Forcing the issue will only add to the animosity. Don't work yourself up with thoughts of your child being in harm's way around a complete stranger. It's dad's responsibility to make sure the kids are safe while on his watch. If you doubt his ability to do this, then you need to take that to court. But don't take it into your own hands to try to manage what goes on in his house. That's way more involvement than you need.  You will have your chance in the future to meet his new woman, particularly if she's a permanent part of his life. But don't force issue. Just keep your heart open to the opportunity to meet her when it comes so that you'll be ready for it with the right attitude.

3. Watch your mouth. Don't sabotage your own co-parenting situation by running off at the mouth around your kids about their father and his new woman. Parenting is for grown up's. Put your big girl pants on and keep quiet. A soft answer turns away wrath.

 Not everyone shares the same experience in co parenting or being a single parent, I understand.
But just like any relationship, a co-parenting relationship will shift, change and grow over time. What's tense today may not be so bad a year from now so be patient!

The goal is never to try to change anyone else but to look inwardly and self evaluate. Your children have two imperfect parents who love them. The important thing is that you both continue to try your best for them.

 Day by day, God will give you the wisdom and grace you need to handle any situation that comes your way, including how to handle your baby daddy and his "lady friend". *wink*

Check back for part 3 where I will address the man in between these two dueling women: Baby Daddy.

Can I Do Anything Right?



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The world is a very critical place to live in and depending on where you got your start, the criticism began quite early.
Your posture was criticized as a child. The way you styled your hair and dressed was criticized in school.

And now that you're a mom, the criticism meets you here as well.

"You let your kids watch that?"
"You let your daughter dress like that?"
"You should have known better than to sleep with a man that's no good. Being a single mama is your own fault".

As if most intelligent women (emotions and love aside) wake up in the morning, hell bent on finding someone who will do the best job at breaking her heart.
Yea, that's the mission.

And let's not forget the segment of single moms who have to deal with less-than-amicable co-parenting relationships. Often the criticism comes from the father of your children and/or his side of the family. Nothing you do or say is good enough. You find yourself playing "good cop, bad cop" with your children and often are under intense scrutiny from family members who view you as the enemy.

You can let your hair down here and be real.
I know it's tough and I know it hurts.

There are moments you want to scream at the world and to yourself, "CAN I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

Here's a word of encouragement from the Word of God...

The whole time Nehemiah was in the palace attending to his post as cup bearer, his only critic was the King. And since the King had no issue with his service, his existence was a comfortable one. It wasn't until he stepped outside of his comfortable box and began to consider the need of his ruined homeland of Jerusalem that he found himself faced with critics and saboteurs.

My point is that although you may find it difficult to be criticized as a single mom, I want to congratulate you. If you weren't doing something worthwhile, no one would have anything to say.

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 It's easy to criticize from the sidelines but few want to suit up and get in the game.
So when I watched my son receive his certificate of completion from kindergarten back in May, I knew the deal. All the criticism I endured during the past school year meant nothing in that moment. All those nights we worked on homework together, correcting spelling, and perfecting his math paid off.  All those mornings of praying with him on his way to school had rewarded me.
God had seen my efforts and rewarded me with the success of my child.

No one said, "Melissa, you're doing a fine job with my grandson, nephew or son".
No.
They didn't have to anymore.

Just like Nehemiah, I made up in my mind and said, "I'm doing a good work here and I can't come down". I can't come down to the level of critics anymore who'd rather exercise their tongue muscles than arm muscles to help. I can't let a critic break my stride and steal my focus. I will not allow a critic with no track record to try to challenge mine.
And neither should you mama.

Neither should you.

Wise Wednesdays: Ask First!

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 When my children want a snack, they know that they are to come to me and ask me for what they want before taking it. Instead, what they have done several times is get what they want, start eating it, then come to me and ask me can they have it.

I'm sure a few moms out there can relate to this! lol!
It can be quite annoying.
But as I examined my frustration at my children's behavior, I had to acknowledge that oftentimes we as children of God don't behave much differently.

How many of us women are guilty of getting the man, sleeping with the man, then turning around and asking God if the relationship is His will?

How many of us have applied for the job, gotten the job and then came back later and asked God was it His will for us to be with the company?

How many of us have given a reply to something or someone and then after it was said, prayed and asked God if we said the right thing?

When my son and daughter take something without asking me, I stop them and correct them. I explain, "You don't just reach out and take things without asking. You ASK mommy first and once I give you an answer, THEN you take it!"

Sounds simple but it's time we applied the same principle to our own lives.

Before you date that man, sleep with that man and get emotionally invested with that man, ask God first.
Before you take the position with that company, ask God first.
Before you hit "send" on that email, ask God first.
Matthew 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you".

And one more thing...
After you ask...

WAIT FOR AN ANSWER.

 The difference between a thief and a receiver is permission.

Decree with me: I ask for what I want and need according to Matthew 7:7! I am a receiver, not a thief!

Me, My Boyfriend and His "Baby Mama"...

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Welcome to the wonderfully convoluted world of co-parenting! If one doesn't know what to expect going in, they may find themselves dealing with some very negative situations and feelings that hurt both their co-parenting relationship and their children.

 I've been on both sides of the coin. I used to be the woman dating the guy who had a child. Then I became the woman who had children with the guy who already had a child.

I want to talk about the "girlfriend" perspective for a moment; the woman who's dating a man who has a child outside of his relationship with her.

There's nothing quite as challenging as having a man you're head over heels in love with but he still has a very active tie to his past via his child(ren)'s mom. Unfortunately, many girlfriends put on a brave face through courtship and engagement, but at some point, how she really feels slips out and it's usually not pretty.

Here's what I'd like to tell you. It's natural to feel somewhat threatened by the mother of your significant other's child. The wrong thing to do is make subtle and overt attempts to distance the child from his/her mother so that you can enjoy what looks to be a "perfect family picture". Spoiling his child and trying to win them over with gifts and activities so that they enjoy your company more than the mother's company is manipulative.

That would be the wrong move, not to mention selfish.

What you should do is place yourself, even if for a moment, in another woman's pumps.

Let's just say that you and your significant other have children together. If, God forbid, the relationship went south, how would it feel if another woman entered your ex's life, started wanting your child to call her "mama" and trying to influence the child to move in with her and your ex as soon as she was legally old enough to do so?

Don't worry girl... I can see the veins popping in your forehead from here. Remember that perfect family picture I mentioned earlier? Go ahead and wipe that out of your mind. Your family dynamic will forever be different because the love of your life has a child with another woman. Unless something tragic happens, that child will remain outside of your household and therefore, you must accept that at least for you, the dream of having a traditional relationship with only you and your man to deal with is not going to happen. Shake the fairytales quickly.

Here's some key things to keep in mind when dating a man who has children:

1. There are two sides to every story concerning his past with his child's mother. Trust and believe that he's going to give you the most unpleasant side so that you won't feel threatened. But the truth is, there weren't all bad days, thus their having a child or children together. There's no side to take when it comes to your man and his child's mother. Keep the responsibility of both parties in mind, and that's the wellbeing of the child. You're not there to judge his past or hers so don't get dragged into the middle by either party.

2. If you go into the situation thinking the mother of his children is the bad guy, you'll have a hard time shaking this image, no matter what she does. Be leery of men who are always speaking negatively about the mother of their children. Why? Here comes #3...

3. Unless you are physically unable to bear children, always keep in mind that the woman he has a child with now you could very well be in her shoes one day. We'd all like to live happily ever after, but the truth is some relationships don't make it. It's important to see how a man handles situations in life that aren't always ideal. It takes an extraordinary amount of maturity to co-parent and do so respectfully. If your man has nothing good to say about the mother of  his children all the time, just remember, "She could one day be ME. Do I want to be disrespected like this?" The true test of a man's character isn't in how he deals with people he likes but how he deals with people he's no longer on the best of terms with. In your mind, you may feel his criticism is justified, based on his information to you and your limited observations. But again, keep in mind that it's important to see how a man handles a situation where two people aren't on the best of terms, particularly when children are involved. Can he remain respectful and still hold to his parental duties? Keep your eyes and ears open.

4. You cannot erase his past. That means, you cannot make the mom go away and you can't try to find subtle ways to erase her from the life of your man also. It takes maturity and self confidence to date a man with children. If you need every last drop of a man's attention, you may want to reconsider dating a man with children. The last thing you want to do is resent a woman you don't know or children you did not give birth to. It is true that some co-parenting relationships do not have good boundaries. But this is just as much his fault as it is the mother's. Do not tolerate disrespect. If you feel that he isn't able to keep his relationship with the mother of his children appropriate, then you may need to consider walking away for your own dignity's sake.

5. Keep in mind, it's just as hard for him to try to be a good father to his child outside of his relationship as it is for you to deal with it. Because of his choices, he now has two or more women in his life that he must find a way to engage and respect without offending any of them to the detriment of his child or children. Sounds like a tight rope, right? You can make it easier if you keep the right attitude. Support him being a father to his children and spending quality time with them. Commend him when he is respectful of his children's mother. Respect for her is NOT disrespect of you! Again, keep in mind "she is me" when you want to fly off the handle and become offended. All it takes to become her is a pregnancy and a break up. You want any children that come into the relationship to feel and receive love from everyone, including you.

In part 2, I'll  give the "baby mama's" point of view. You don't want to miss it!

Have you had negative experiences dating a man with children?

Wise Wednesdays: Should My Man Meet My Kids?

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I've seen many go back and forth about whether or not it's appropriate to let children meet the men and women their parents are dating early on.
The majority seems to think that in order to protect the children from potential heartbreak and abuse, he or she must be kept away until the relationship becomes serious.

I disagree.

Here's why.

A few months back, I met a gentleman that I seemed to have a good vibe with. He was a Christian, working on his master's degree, and laid back. I told him upfront that I was a single mother of two children and this didn't seem to deter him. After a little while, we decided that the vibe was so good between us that we wanted to meet. As we began planning our first date, it became more and more apparent that his schedule and mine were conflicting but we kept at it, hopeful that we could work out a time frame. One day, he called me up and told me he had some free time mid week and would it be ok if he came to see me.

Here's where things got interesting.

At first, I wanted to tell him "no" because his coming midweek would mean he would have to meet my children. This caused a little anxiety for me, because I didn't want to "scare him off". But I soon shook it off and decided to use it as a test. I told him that midweek would be fine and that when he arrived, my two children would be with us.

Needless to say, he suddenly had all sorts of excuses for not being able to visit and eventually started becoming distant.

Good riddance.

Here are some important things that I learned from that brief dating experience:

• Approach all potential relationships with the expectation that he will meet your children early on. I know this causes most single mothers some anxiety, but this anxiety should influence your selection process. You cannot hide the fact that you're a mother nor should you keep your responsibilities as a mom hidden from your potential suitor. It would be nice if every time he wanted to see you, you could stop, drop and roll into his arms. But that's not the real world for single moms and he needs to get the right impression UP FRONT of what it means to date a woman with children. Don't let the fear of "scaring him off" cause you to push your children into the background when they should remain in the foreground of your decisions.

• Be accountable to your children.  Knowing that the man you're dealing with must meet your children around the same time he meets you raises the level of accountability in your life. You're far more likely to continue your involvement with the wrong man if you keep your relationship hidden and secret from your children. Holding yourself accountable to only dealing with men you feel comfortable having around your children ultimately keeps your children's safety and well being as top priority.

• Look for red flags early. Now that you've introduced your children to the man you're dating, this is the time to open your eyes and ears for red flags. You're no longer interested in being wined, dined and seduced only; you're making better observations of the man you're potentially giving access to your heart and to your children. Does he make excuses and cancel when it's time to spend time with you and your children but he has all the time in the world when you have a babysitter? Do your children appear to be uncomfortable around him? Does he seem uncomfortable around your children, or annoyed? Now's the time to make a mental note of these warning signs and make wise decisions for yourself and children.

I know there are plenty of moms and dads who would disagree with bringing children into dating relationships early on and understandably so. But if we're honest, most of the people we have dated in the past weren't worth OUR time, let alone our children's. At no point have I said that a mom or a dad should leave their children alone with someone that they haven't gotten to know well.
That is a given!

The take away is that moms (and dads too) should be spending time with men and women who are worthy of meeting their children. Anyone who cannot be introduced to a child is a waste of time! We're not talking about sleepovers and trips to the barbershop alone with your new "possi-boo". We're simply talking about an introduction and everyone sitting down together in the same room, not spending excessive amounts of time with your children. But the person you're dating shouldn't be a mystery to anyone, especially your children.

If the thought of this strikes fear and terror in your heart, then you must ask yourself why you're dealing with that person in the first place.

And for those who say that children shouldn't have to deal with men and women coming in and out of their lives, I would agree. But why should mommy or daddy have men and women coming in and out of their own lives?

 Is bouncing from one relationship to the next healthy behavior?

After that last example I gave, I pretty much brought my foray into the dating world to a close. It's not that I have no desire to meet someone because I do. But I have no desire to have someone who isn't worthy of ALL of us, in my life.

Single moms, you and your children are a family, complete with routines, schedules and traditions. Any potential suitor is welcomed to be a part of that schedule and routine.

But he should NOT be welcome to change it.

When it comes to a single mom dating, everyone, especially the children, should have a say early on.

How do you feel about children being a part of the dating process early on?

The Blame Game...

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It's his fault. It's her fault. It's his family's fault. It's her family's fault.

Blame, blame, blame.

When it comes to being a single parent, a lot of women struggle with anger issues due to the pain of their break ups with their child(rens) father.

It takes a while to move past the tug of war of who's at fault. Maybe he was irresponsible and it's true that maybe she was overbearing and insensitive. There's always plenty of blame to go around.

So what is one to do when trying to move past the issues that arise when the relationship between parents goes sour?

• Don't play the blame game. Not only is it immature to spend all of your energy collecting evidence with which to declare the other parent guilty, it's also irresponsible. I spent a couple of years feeling as if the father of my children was to blame for the way things were. I felt I had good reason. But it is a complete waste of time to find fault rather than solutions for current circumstances. Playing the blame game can and will derail you from advancing in your life.


• Admit it. You're wrong. While working overtime to prove the case of wrongdoing for the other parent, you're overlooking your own faults and shortcomings. For me, I had to acknowledge the fact that it was my choice to enter into a physical relationship with a man that the Holy Spirit warned me clearly ahead of time to avoid. While I could point out this fault and that flaw, the truth was that it was my fault for having ignored the warning signs and plowing through them anyway. When you admit your own wrong in the situation, you then have an opportunity to correct the only person you can control, and that's YOU.


• Say you're sorry. Before you get angry, I'm not talking about apologizing to the other parent. If your circumstance warrants it, that may be necessary to do. But I'm speaking of repenting and asking the Lord for forgiveness for the things you did wrong in the situation. Maybe you were spiteful and used the children as weapons against the father. Maybe you were negligent as a father and abandoned your responsibilities, leaving it all for the mother of your children to bear. Whatever the fault, even if it was simply a harsh word, ask God to forgive you. Humble yourself before God. His Grace is available and once you set aside your pride and seek Him, He is then able to step into your situation and provide you a way out and through it.

Blame is a sign of immaturity. Small children do it all the time. Once something breaks in a room, they immediately point at the other sibling and exclaim, "IT WASN'T ME! HE DID IT!"

But those who are mature realize that even if they didn't break it, they were there when it happened and contributed to the mess.

 Blame takes the focus off of progress and puts everyone in the blame game on hold.

I don't know about you, but I don't have time to live on pause! It's time to move forward and live an abundant life. Moms and dads owe it to their sons and daughters to stop blaming one another and take responsibility for their own actions. Once this happens, then the ability to make changes and progress in life returns.

Have you ever had to deal with a relationship in which blame was a problem?

When God Disappoints You...

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It's been said that relationships are tested in times of great trial. While I believe this to be true, I also believe  testing comes more specifically through disappointment.

Maybe disappointment has come in the form of an unfaithful mate, rebellious child or fair weather friend.

When our earthly relationships disappoint us, we handle them in a variety of ways; revenge, silent treatment, walking away.

But what happens when God disappoints us?
What do we do when we expect God to move in one fashion but He doesn't?
How do we respond when God doesn't do or say what we hoped He would?

Here are some critical things to keep in mind when facing these feelings:

God is God. I know that sounds quite cliche, but it's amazing how we seem to forget this obvious truth in the heat of the moment. His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts, ours. It takes only a small amount of time in reading scripture to realize that when God makes a plan, He often does the opposite of what humanity would expect. But a part of making it past disappointment is remembering who God is. He's GOD- Almighty, All Knowing, and All Seeing.

God is not sentimental. My Apostle, Ricardo Watson puts it this way: "God is good, but He isn't nice". You cannot expect God to treasure everything that you treasure, particularly when that thing stands to block you from entering into your divine destiny and purpose. That could mean a relationship dear to your heart gets severed or a place where you were born and raised, you're led to pack up and leave. When it comes to your life, God will not spare your feelings so that you can die a more comfortable death. He's the giver of life, and sometimes the process of giving you new life turns your current life upside down.

Don't complain. It only makes things worse. Have you ever noticed that complaining does nothing to improve your mood? As a matter of fact, the more you complain, the angrier you become and the worse you feel. Often this build up of emotion leads to sin. King David said, "I will bless the Lord at all times as his praises shall continually be in my mouth". Now before you think, "that's easy for him to say because he's not going through what I'm going through", think again. King David was a man running for his life and dodging flying javelins during the time the psalms were composed. We cannot assume that just because someone has a better attitude than we do that they have a better reason to have one. Some people have WORSE situations than you but have made a decision to praise!

 Keep a praise on your lips in those difficult moments when it seems like God has let you down. It's not easy to praise God when your feelings are hurt but complaining will only compound the problem.

When I weened my children from drinking out of bottles.  you would have thought that I had cut their little hearts to the quick! There were many tears shed and they found it difficult to let the bottles go. But I knew as their mother that the sippy cup was the next stage in their maturity. I knew once they became used to the change, they wouldn't miss their bottles anymore. Likewise, when things in our lives begin to fall away and our worlds shake, we must trust that He's only leading us to a greater place of maturity and promotion. Your relationship with God can survive disappointment if you keep the right attitude.

What are some of the disappointments you've faced in your walk with God?

Relationship Fugitives...

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Fugitive
A person who has escaped from a place or is in hiding, esp. to avoid arrest or persecution.

Imagine with me, if you will, that you're in your home and suddenly you hear a firm knock at the door. When you open the door, standing before you is a handsome man who appears very polite but in a slight hurry. He asks you if he can come in.

What would you do?

Would you let him in or would you tell him, "I'm sorry. I don't know you" and close the door? Some would say, "I wouldn't even answer the door!"

Both of these are good answers but the truth is that we do answer the door and we do "let him in" on a regular basis. Who is he?

He's the relationship fugitive on the run from his past relationship failures that we often call boyfriend, fiancee, and sometimes, husband.

Last month as I was cleaning out my closet I came across a document that was a few years old. It was a copy of an arrest warrant that belonged to my ex boyfriend. I had known of the warrant but this time, it was as if my eyes were opened. The warrant was regarding a fight that occurred between him and his ex girlfriend. He told me that he pushed and slapped her, knocking her glasses off of her face.  But the warrant said, he "punched the victim in her face".

I was stunned. The words "he punched her in her face" rang in my heart like a siren. This was a man I was so deeply in love with and did everything within my power to have him in my life. But as I read the copy of the warrant issued for his arrest, I couldn't help but realize what my willingness to "take him in" actually spelled to the woman he assaulted.

There are countless examples that I can name of where women have completely ignored a man's past, believing that his future was bright merely because he was with her. But it is not only foolish, it is also dangerous not to dig deeper into a man's past and require that he be accountable for the good, bad and the ugly that it contains.
Here are some signs that will indicate to you whether or not you're dealing with someone who is a fugitive from his or her past relationships and using their involvement with you as their hide out:

• He/she refuses to entertain any detailed discussion about their past. This is probably the most obvious red flag. While it is unfair to judge someone merely on their past (we all have one) it is not unfair to expect for someone to be accountable for their mistakes and be able to explain to you how they've made amends, if necessary, and worked through those mistakes. If they shut down at the mere mention of their past, you just may be dealing with someone who's running from their past and seeking shelter with you.
• It's his/her ex's fault. Beware of the man or woman who cannot take personal responsibility for a relationship's demise. This person's head is full of blaming thoughts which leaves absolutely no room for them to take personal responsibility for their own actions. While it takes two to tango, it only takes one to be accountable.
• What's the hurry? Does he or she seem to be moving a little too fast? While you may be tempted to find this flattering, instead take it as a warning. Remember the handsome man we imagined at the beginning of the post, knocking earnestly at our door asking if he can come in? What if he just robbed the nearby QuickMart? Solid relationships take time to build. Be leery of people who are in a hurry to cohabitate, have a sexual relationship with you and progress towards marriage, all while systematically avoiding direct accountability and questioning of their pasts. That's a man or woman on the run.

One of the greatest life lessons to learn is that you can't control other people. But that's a good thing because the person in need of the most control is SELF. It takes discipline to slow down and consider the bigger picture rather than letting emotions drive every decision you make. There are too many women who content themselves with being in relationships with men who treat them well but refuse to be accountable for children that they've created outside of their relationship. There are too many women who like me, knew he put his hands on another woman but said, "He's never hit me", so that was "them". It's time out for being fugitives in relationships and giving fugitives safe haven in our lives. We must be willing to both ask and answer the tough questions. Accountability is not optional.

It's not "judging" to expect for a man to explain to you what he's done about having six children with four different women, particularly if he's interested in being with YOU. There's nothing wrong with asking a woman why she's had so many boyfriends in such a short span of time.

It's time we required accountability to be front and center in all of our relationships. While it's tempting to think only of ourselves when it comes to love and happiness, we must make sure that the person we're enamoured with hasn't left a trail of victims, for which they refuse to be accountable for.

Otherwise, the person you're in bed with just might be a fugitive, literally and figuratively.


Have you experienced relationship fugitives in your life?

Bad Boyz

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He cheats. He lies. He won't come home at night. He has other children with other women while he's supposedly in a committed relationship. He won't keep a legitimate job. He's a hustler. He's a "dope boy". He's gangster.

He's a bad boy. And oh, how we love bad boys. I've seen otherwise intelligent women (myself included) fall under the spell of these men, completely captivated, and at times, appearing to be addicted to them. Maybe there's something intoxicating about being with a man who's always two steps ahead of the law, living on the run, and always in need of at least $150 and never faithful.

But let's face it though. His alternative isn't very appealing. We all know the good guy well. When we were in school, he was the one who carried our books for us and never got asked to the prom. In the workplace, he's the guy who shows us how to work the copier every week. He's the nice guy, the nerd. He's the guy who brings absolutely no surprises to the table. He is consistent and predictable. He is stable and secure. He's honest, he's willing to love us the way we deserve to be loved. He's also unattractive in comparison to the bad boy and just plain BORING! lol!

But bad boys are expensive, both financially and emotionally. He is looking for a sponsor, someone to fund his poorly executed plans and someone to turn around and clean up the aftermath of said plans. Bad boys are like investment property with more problems than the buyer realized. You set the budget at $50,000 and a short while into the renovation, you're already at $70,000 with no working kitchen and no end in sight. Bad boys are EXPENSIVE! I repeat: EXPENSIVE!!!

Yes, bad boys are more interesting. When you're in your 20's, high speed chases and cat fights in the middle of the street make for good facebook status updates and youtube clips. But once you hit 30 and older, it doesn't look like anything but the PROBLEM it is.

Here are some things single women should keep in mind before dating a bad boy:

•  What am I afraid of? Most women who repeatedly go for the guy who can't seem to stay faithful and shows little interest in doing so secretly have commitment issues of their own. Maybe you're trying to avoid being hurt again. But seriously, is wasting the best years of your life with a man who won't honor and protect you doing what's best for you?


• It's time to require more from your relationship! Most women who hook up with bad boys say they want a good time and enjoy the thrills and sometimes chills involved in dating an unstable man. But the truth of the matter is that many women have simply given up on having a standard for men due to disappointment. But relationships are not recreation. The right relationship can change your life for the better. Likewise, the wrong one could change it permanently for the worse. You can't afford to take your love life casually. You also can't afford to allow a person who is out of control to be behind the wheel of your life and destiny.

• Do I want my daughter to end up with a Bad Boy? While it may be justifiable to entertain such a man while you're a single lady, the stakes become even higher when children are involved. You are your children's main role model and their first lessons on relationships come from you. If you don't want your daughter being taken for a dangerous ride or your son flexing his bad boy muscles, it's time to figure out if a few moments of passion are worth it to your family.
  
•  Ask God for a good mix of spontaneity and predictability in a man. We don't need a thug but we don't want Steve Urkel either. Let's find the happy medium in prayer. We want to be with someone we can enjoy this earthly life with as well as someone who edifies us spiritually. God knows our needs and desires. The important thing is that we seek Him first, even when it comes to who we should be involved with.

If your life is currency, then a bad boy is a high risk investment. There's more to lose than there is to gain by getting caught up with him. If he does happen to make a turnaround, how much will it have cost you? I'm not telling anyone to leave their bad boy if they have one. Pray for him. But above all, pray that God's will be done in YOU. After all, why would a "good" girl want a bad boy?  It's time to take inventory.

Pray that the man after God's own heart would be the man that comes into your life.  If your bad boy isn't changing, give him your love, say good bye and move forward into your divine destiny that is filled with the blessings and favour of God. Don't hide your life behind a bad boy. It's time to live the victorious life that God has planned for you!