I didn't know that religion wouldn't and couldn't be a cure for the need to feel accepted.
It's been a lifelong struggle of mine.
I did everything my young mind could think of to be accepted by the ones whose opinions mattered most to me.
They didn't seem to notice.
He never really seemed to accept me at face value.
There was always something I had to do or to change.
Something I needed to say or stop saying.
I just wanted to be accepted.
I didn't know that religion, which promised to bring me acceptance into the brotherhood of fellow religious followers would ultimately leave me feeling even more alone.
When I didn't make it to all of the scheduled services...
When my tithes and offerings fell short...
When I didn't say, do or perform up to expectations...
I was no longer accepted.
When I entered relationships, I kept waiting to hear him say, "I approve. I accept you".
Guy.
After guy.
After guy.
They liked my curves, my smile, my cooking...
But I never felt accepted.
There have been some emotional battles that I've had to fight these past couple of years. Some I've fought valiantly and others, I felt as if I barely escaped with my sanity.
I tried repeatedly to get him to tell me he accepted me.
And then the Holy Spirit whispered to me...
"You are accepted by Me".
Maybe that doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it's like a prison door swinging open on rusty hinges.
I don't have to continue looking for acceptance.
I AM accepted.
In Him...
The Beloved.
And so are You.
Accept His acceptance today.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Free Falling...
In 2009, I could feel the world beneath my feet starting to reel and shake.
By 2010, that world that I knew was beginning to crumble and I started to fall.
This year, I felt the Lord catch me and carry me.
As I stare at a new year emerging like a dawning day...
I want to whisper in His ear, as He carries me...
Jesus, where are you taking me?
-Mel
By 2010, that world that I knew was beginning to crumble and I started to fall.
This year, I felt the Lord catch me and carry me.
As I stare at a new year emerging like a dawning day...
I want to whisper in His ear, as He carries me...
Jesus, where are you taking me?
-Mel
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Un-Traditional Thanksgiving...
For the first time since they've been alive, my children are waking up in their daddy's home for Thanksgiving.
He picked them up yesterday evening when he got off work.
For the first time since they've been alive, I'm 100% ok with it.
There was a time I would have been a puddle of tears and given him a hard time for thinking he could take our children and spend time with them and not me.
Things are different now.
I'm so in love with "ME" that I've been looking forward to the alone time.
My mom works everything Thanksgiving so I'll have the house ALL TO MYSELF for a few hours!
Any mom can tell you that it's rare to ever be alone. The closet thing most of us get is a trip to the bathroom and even then, there are little fingers and toes under the door, asking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"
My sister, who has always been my biggest supporter has been encouraging me to really take in and enjoy this time to myself and to tap into what really makes me happy and enjoy that.
Can I be honest?
It's been so long since I've had the chance to think only about myself that I literally drew a blank.
I thought about some chores I could finish up while the kids were away.
Thought about re-organizing the junk drawer. <<< RIGHT! lol!
Thought about doing some shopping and I may go to the store and prepare a nice meal for myself.
My first idea was Chinese, but after watching the 700 lbs woman on Dr. Phil and then the Biggest Loser Thanksgiving Special, I decided that might not be the smartest thing to do. Sheesh. lol!
I am currently doing one of my life's greatest loves, which is writing and finding a great deal of contentment in that.
I realize that there are a lot of people who are having to celebrate traditional holidays in un-traditional ways. Maybe you're like me. Your parents are divorced and now things are tense and awkward. Or maybe you're a single parent and you have to share holidays with the father of your children. Maybe you're single with no children and your family just doesn't seem to have the "get together" spirit like they used to. Or maybe still, maybe you're the one who does all the holiday cooking and planning, keeping the family together. Wherever you fit, be sure to put yourself on the list and celebrate you.
I could spend an entire blog entry naming the things I'm most thankful for this year but if you've been following my blog, I think you already know. Out of all the things on a "thankful" list, how many ever say, "I'm thankful for ME"?
Are you thankful for YOU?
Do you really appreciate the person you are, the strength you've shown and the gift that you are to the world?
Something to think about.
I've come a long way this year in more ways than one and it's only by God's grace.
Just the fact that I'm sitting here with an empty house and a smile on my face is proof to me of the change!
We don't always get what we want in life. I would have liked the marriage, the formal dining room and the husband who carves the turkey and plays games with the children. But that's not what I have. I have something that is different but beautiful and blessed. What I have today is the result of Grace.
So today, I'm going to try to listen to my heart and do everything it tells me to do.
I may watch a little tv.
I may do some cleaning because that's just what I do when I like to think.
I may do some more writing.
But no matter what, I'm thankful for this place that I'm in.
Un-traditional doesn't have to be sad. Some traditions should be broken anyway because they don't truly honor you and those that you love. So I raise my glass to all of you strong and courageous ones who are defining your holiday in a new way. Make it beautiful by celebrating all the Lord has done for YOU. He wants you happy. Whatever makes you smile, He'll approve of, even if it's watching "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" in furry slippers.
I'm thankful for you today and I appreciate you sharing my world with me.
With God's Love and A Heart of Thanksgiving,
-Mel
He picked them up yesterday evening when he got off work.
For the first time since they've been alive, I'm 100% ok with it.
There was a time I would have been a puddle of tears and given him a hard time for thinking he could take our children and spend time with them and not me.
Things are different now.
I'm so in love with "ME" that I've been looking forward to the alone time.
My mom works everything Thanksgiving so I'll have the house ALL TO MYSELF for a few hours!
Any mom can tell you that it's rare to ever be alone. The closet thing most of us get is a trip to the bathroom and even then, there are little fingers and toes under the door, asking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"
My sister, who has always been my biggest supporter has been encouraging me to really take in and enjoy this time to myself and to tap into what really makes me happy and enjoy that.
Can I be honest?
It's been so long since I've had the chance to think only about myself that I literally drew a blank.
I thought about some chores I could finish up while the kids were away.
Thought about re-organizing the junk drawer. <<< RIGHT! lol!
Thought about doing some shopping and I may go to the store and prepare a nice meal for myself.
My first idea was Chinese, but after watching the 700 lbs woman on Dr. Phil and then the Biggest Loser Thanksgiving Special, I decided that might not be the smartest thing to do. Sheesh. lol!
I am currently doing one of my life's greatest loves, which is writing and finding a great deal of contentment in that.
I realize that there are a lot of people who are having to celebrate traditional holidays in un-traditional ways. Maybe you're like me. Your parents are divorced and now things are tense and awkward. Or maybe you're a single parent and you have to share holidays with the father of your children. Maybe you're single with no children and your family just doesn't seem to have the "get together" spirit like they used to. Or maybe still, maybe you're the one who does all the holiday cooking and planning, keeping the family together. Wherever you fit, be sure to put yourself on the list and celebrate you.
I could spend an entire blog entry naming the things I'm most thankful for this year but if you've been following my blog, I think you already know. Out of all the things on a "thankful" list, how many ever say, "I'm thankful for ME"?
Are you thankful for YOU?
Do you really appreciate the person you are, the strength you've shown and the gift that you are to the world?
Something to think about.
I've come a long way this year in more ways than one and it's only by God's grace.
Just the fact that I'm sitting here with an empty house and a smile on my face is proof to me of the change!
We don't always get what we want in life. I would have liked the marriage, the formal dining room and the husband who carves the turkey and plays games with the children. But that's not what I have. I have something that is different but beautiful and blessed. What I have today is the result of Grace.
So today, I'm going to try to listen to my heart and do everything it tells me to do.
I may watch a little tv.
I may do some cleaning because that's just what I do when I like to think.
I may do some more writing.
But no matter what, I'm thankful for this place that I'm in.
Un-traditional doesn't have to be sad. Some traditions should be broken anyway because they don't truly honor you and those that you love. So I raise my glass to all of you strong and courageous ones who are defining your holiday in a new way. Make it beautiful by celebrating all the Lord has done for YOU. He wants you happy. Whatever makes you smile, He'll approve of, even if it's watching "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" in furry slippers.
I'm thankful for you today and I appreciate you sharing my world with me.
With God's Love and A Heart of Thanksgiving,
-Mel
Monday, November 21, 2011
Honor Among Women...
The word "honor" means "High respect, as that shown for special merit; esteem".
Back in the day, I was one of those women who claimed to be more comfortable with my male friends than any of my female friends.
Women made me uncomfortable.
I didn't like to be around women much but in the company of men, I felt right at home.
I was even known to say that men made better friends than women because women were catty, untrustworthy and full of drama.
Hmm.
But my attitude began to change when I found myself being given a helping hand by woman...after woman..
After woman.
The nurse who came to my room when I was a brand new mom, scared senseless, who reassured me and cheerfully doted over my beautiful son.
The stay-at-home mom who offered to watch an infant Matthew for $50 a week because that was all I could afford at the time.
The friend who bought baby clothes and planned my baby shower.
The friends who came to birthday party after birthday party.
All women.
I had a choice to make.
It was time I ended my beef with women.
When I sat down and talked to these various women that I met, they weren't very different than me.
They were just as busy as I was, if not busier, although some had husbands and I did not.
But yet and still, although our circumstances weren't exactly the same, they knew what it felt like to be tired from a life with a new baby and working full time. They honored me.
They respected me even though at one time in my life, I'd dishonored them with my terrible attitude.
There's a lot going on in our society today and relationship related issues are hot topics and best sellers.
But what about the topic of honor among women?
Could it be that after years of pain and disrespect we ourselves have taken on the attributes of the hurt and pain we despise the most?
We turn a blind eye to the plight of other women.
We scorn and criticize.
We blame.
We justify our callousness.
We close up the doors of our compassion.
But I'm reminded that in my darkest hours it wasn't the arms of a man or the ears of a man that brought wisdom, comfort and strength to me.
It was a woman.
It was a woman who showed me how to quiet my crying infant son.
It was a woman who took care of my children for virtual pennies so that I could continue to work and earn a living.
It is women who support my goals, dreams, and aspirations today.
It is women who pray that I'll succeed because I speak for and to them.
I want honor among women to return.
I want the days of making sure a fellow woman always had a helping hand because we know what it feels like to hurt and struggle to return.
I want the days of women honoring women to return because we know the pain of broken families, ripped apart by infidelity.
We know.
We've lived it.
We've witnessed it.
And sometimes, we've even been the cause.
But just like one day, I looked up and realized that the women I hated were not "those" women, but that "She:" was "Me"
I pray that all who read will have such an awakening in their own lives.
Honestly, when I said I preferred friendships with men over women, I was speaking from a place of brokenness.
Instead of saying, "I don't like them", I should have said, "I don't like me".
I bring drama.
I'm catty.
I'm not easy to talk to or be around.
That would have been the truth.
Since I became a mom, I have been blessed to meet a variety of women from all walks of life, married, single, young and old, rich and not-so-rich...right and wrong side of the tracks. Religious and non religious. Christian and Muslim. Divorced and single.
All kinds.
And the one thing I appreciate most about all of these connections is this:
There is honor among us because to be a woman requires a strength a man will never know.
But all women will.
We cannot expect for any man to respect a woman we ourselves disrespect, whether that woman is your neighbor, coworker, or the woman in the mirror.
This isn't about being classy.
This is about being honorable.
This about remembering that She is Me and loving her.
Back in the day, I was one of those women who claimed to be more comfortable with my male friends than any of my female friends.
Women made me uncomfortable.
I didn't like to be around women much but in the company of men, I felt right at home.
I was even known to say that men made better friends than women because women were catty, untrustworthy and full of drama.
Hmm.
But my attitude began to change when I found myself being given a helping hand by woman...after woman..
After woman.
The nurse who came to my room when I was a brand new mom, scared senseless, who reassured me and cheerfully doted over my beautiful son.
The stay-at-home mom who offered to watch an infant Matthew for $50 a week because that was all I could afford at the time.
The friend who bought baby clothes and planned my baby shower.
The friends who came to birthday party after birthday party.
All women.
I had a choice to make.
It was time I ended my beef with women.
When I sat down and talked to these various women that I met, they weren't very different than me.
They were just as busy as I was, if not busier, although some had husbands and I did not.
But yet and still, although our circumstances weren't exactly the same, they knew what it felt like to be tired from a life with a new baby and working full time. They honored me.
They respected me even though at one time in my life, I'd dishonored them with my terrible attitude.
There's a lot going on in our society today and relationship related issues are hot topics and best sellers.
But what about the topic of honor among women?
Could it be that after years of pain and disrespect we ourselves have taken on the attributes of the hurt and pain we despise the most?
We turn a blind eye to the plight of other women.
We scorn and criticize.
We blame.
We justify our callousness.
We close up the doors of our compassion.
But I'm reminded that in my darkest hours it wasn't the arms of a man or the ears of a man that brought wisdom, comfort and strength to me.
It was a woman.
It was a woman who showed me how to quiet my crying infant son.
It was a woman who took care of my children for virtual pennies so that I could continue to work and earn a living.
It is women who support my goals, dreams, and aspirations today.
It is women who pray that I'll succeed because I speak for and to them.
I want honor among women to return.
I want the days of making sure a fellow woman always had a helping hand because we know what it feels like to hurt and struggle to return.
I want the days of women honoring women to return because we know the pain of broken families, ripped apart by infidelity.
We know.
We've lived it.
We've witnessed it.
And sometimes, we've even been the cause.
But just like one day, I looked up and realized that the women I hated were not "those" women, but that "She:" was "Me"
I pray that all who read will have such an awakening in their own lives.
Honestly, when I said I preferred friendships with men over women, I was speaking from a place of brokenness.
Instead of saying, "I don't like them", I should have said, "I don't like me".
I bring drama.
I'm catty.
I'm not easy to talk to or be around.
That would have been the truth.
Since I became a mom, I have been blessed to meet a variety of women from all walks of life, married, single, young and old, rich and not-so-rich...right and wrong side of the tracks. Religious and non religious. Christian and Muslim. Divorced and single.
All kinds.
And the one thing I appreciate most about all of these connections is this:
There is honor among us because to be a woman requires a strength a man will never know.
But all women will.
We cannot expect for any man to respect a woman we ourselves disrespect, whether that woman is your neighbor, coworker, or the woman in the mirror.
This isn't about being classy.
This is about being honorable.
This about remembering that She is Me and loving her.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Can A Woman Raise A Man?
Here's a question that often comes up when discussing single parent households. There's this question of, "Is it possible for a woman to raise a man" as if manhood is foreign to women.
Let me tell you what I think...
Femininity may be foreign to men, but masculinity isn't foreign to women.
The bible is clear in Genesis that the woman was created for and FROM the man.
Also, she didn't come into existence by man's request but per God's observation of man's need.
God observed man and created woman as a suitable help meet. I'm not even sure if Adam was aware of what he was missing until he saw it standing right in front of him!
So to answer the question: Not only can women raise men...
THEY SHOULD.
I have no intention of turning out anything short of a grown man in this house.
While I respect his father tremendously and acknowledge his weighty contribution to the growth and development of our son, I also realize that 95% of my son's time is spent with ME.
From the moment he came into this world, mine was the first face his eyes saw.
My voice was the first voice he recognized.
My correction was the first discipline he received.
And for all those men out there who may be sighing and rolling their eyes...particularly you good men...
Ask yourself honestly...
Would you be the man you are if it wasn't for your mother?
I'm no walk in the park when it comes to discipline and high standards of excellence.
I insist on respect in my house and I expect both my children to function ABOVE the norm at all times.
I expect them to be thoughtful, courteous, compassionate, responsible, forward thinking.
All of these characteristics lay the foundation of manhood and adulthood.
If that foundation is shaky or laid improperly, the whole building (man) will be flawed.
I take my job seriously.
Masculinity and femininity are not overly emphasized in my home. Sure, there's a clear difference between the sexes but more importantly, my children are learning to respect PEOPLE. Not just girls respecting boys. Not just boys respect girls. Respect for all and everyone, regardless of race and gender.
Eve's name means "the mother of all living", and that includes men.
I'm not just an influence to my daughter but to my son also.
He's learning responsibility, accountability and maturity from me.
He's learning the fear of the Lord (which is the beginning of wisdom) from me.
He's learning that when he makes choices, he is expected by me to own his consequences.
Tell the truth.
Think about your fellow man.
When he takes a woman's hand in marriage many years from now, I guarantee you, she'll be glad THIS woman realized that she could and SHOULD raise a man.
After my dating and relationship experience, I wish more women had possessed that same assurance.
Let me tell you what I think...
Femininity may be foreign to men, but masculinity isn't foreign to women.
The bible is clear in Genesis that the woman was created for and FROM the man.
Also, she didn't come into existence by man's request but per God's observation of man's need.
God observed man and created woman as a suitable help meet. I'm not even sure if Adam was aware of what he was missing until he saw it standing right in front of him!
So to answer the question: Not only can women raise men...
THEY SHOULD.
I have no intention of turning out anything short of a grown man in this house.
While I respect his father tremendously and acknowledge his weighty contribution to the growth and development of our son, I also realize that 95% of my son's time is spent with ME.
From the moment he came into this world, mine was the first face his eyes saw.
My voice was the first voice he recognized.
My correction was the first discipline he received.
And for all those men out there who may be sighing and rolling their eyes...particularly you good men...
Ask yourself honestly...
Would you be the man you are if it wasn't for your mother?
I'm no walk in the park when it comes to discipline and high standards of excellence.
I insist on respect in my house and I expect both my children to function ABOVE the norm at all times.
I expect them to be thoughtful, courteous, compassionate, responsible, forward thinking.
All of these characteristics lay the foundation of manhood and adulthood.
If that foundation is shaky or laid improperly, the whole building (man) will be flawed.
I take my job seriously.
Masculinity and femininity are not overly emphasized in my home. Sure, there's a clear difference between the sexes but more importantly, my children are learning to respect PEOPLE. Not just girls respecting boys. Not just boys respect girls. Respect for all and everyone, regardless of race and gender.
Eve's name means "the mother of all living", and that includes men.
I'm not just an influence to my daughter but to my son also.
He's learning responsibility, accountability and maturity from me.
He's learning the fear of the Lord (which is the beginning of wisdom) from me.
He's learning that when he makes choices, he is expected by me to own his consequences.
Tell the truth.
Think about your fellow man.
When he takes a woman's hand in marriage many years from now, I guarantee you, she'll be glad THIS woman realized that she could and SHOULD raise a man.
After my dating and relationship experience, I wish more women had possessed that same assurance.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I Paid The Cost To Be Here!
We've all dealt with jealousy a time or two but what happens when that jealousy is between baby mamas and children?
Been there and done it.
My children have an older sister who has them by 10 years. About three years ago, her mother made the decision to move out of state. But before the move, I already saw signs of jealousy creeping up.
When she would come up for visits, I noticed her taking inventory of Matt and Cait's clothes and shoes. She would make little comments like, "Must be nice", or something to that effect.
Blah.
More recently, I've heard rumors of their being jealousy concerning their father doing more for my two children than for his oldest child.
It is true that he does spend more time with his children by me than his oldest. Any judge and jury can try and convict him on those charges but really, I'm not trying to feel it.
Why?
People can make judgments and assumptions all they want from the outside looking in.
But only those involved know the facts.
Here's what I know for a fact.
I paid the cost to be here in this place with their father.
It did not come easy. It involved a lot of pride being swallowed, a lot of tears being shed and a lot of conversations with God and close family and friends. I didn't get here waiting on him to do or be the man I thought he could or should be.
I got here by deciding I was going to deal with the man he IS and make the most of it for the sake of our children.
I made a lot of mistakes along the way and so did he but ultimately, I decided that no matter what, I was going to give my children a fighting chance at having a relationship with their dad.
There's nothing "fair" about parenting. Go ahead and wipe that notion of fairness right on out of your head. There's nothing convenient or self serving about it. I've made plenty of decisions not for my sake, but for theirs. And one decision I made was to do everything within my power to facilitate their relationship with their dad.
Not every woman is willing to do what I did and make the sacrifices I've made to make that happen and I understand that.
I also understand that's the difference between my children's relationship with their father and other children's relationship to their fathers dealing with similar circumstances.
You can't hate on me or the relationship my children enjoy with their dad if you're not willing to do the work it takes to make that happen.
Even if you're not married to the man you've made children with and are no longer in a romantic relationship with him, that doesn't mean the work stops. For many it does, but for the ones who are serious about doing what's necessary to have the father of their children around, the work doesn't stop when two people call the relationship done. What happens is that a NEW relationship begins.
It takes just as much work, just as much sacrifice and just as much determination as a romantic relationship.
What keeps me motivated?
My children.
It was my decision to get with their dad so why should I punk out on them just because things got a little tough? Why do I get to get off the hook so easily at their expense? I owed it to them to figure out a way to make the best of a situation I chose and they inherited.
There are some days when it feels like I'm doing all the work. It feels like I'm doing all the bending, making all the concessions, making all of the effort.
And then there are those days when I realize that all of my sacrificing isn't in vain and it's paying off.
What day is that?
Birthdays.
Holidays.
When their father and I can play with our children together in a public place, share memories, exchange gifts with our children, snap pictures, share hugs and love on our babies TOGETHER; you don't get moments like that for free.
You don't just luck up on those type of moments.
That takes real, honest effort and a heart willing to forgive.
A heart willing to stop keeping a running tab of wrongdoing.
A heart willing to let the past go.
A heart willing to accept an apology even if you know he'll probably do it again later on.
A heart willing to give him a second, third and fourth chance to do right by his children.
You don't get there for free.
So yea, people may look in with jealousy, thinking this or that... but they don't see the work that has gone into making this relationship with my children's father what it is today.
That's my message to single mothers. Sure, there are some raggedy men out there, no doubt. But there are also some men of well intentions that although they want to do right, just can't seem to do so. They love their children with all their hearts but for one reason or another, they can't seem to translate this love to the world in an acceptable way.
I know my children's father loves them. It's this understanding that fuels me when things get tough. He can be inconsiderate and absent minded. He's not the best at prioritizing. There are some things he considers to be "important" that I would have made a different choice regarding. He still frustrates me.
But we keep trying.
When he apologizes, I accept it.
When he reschedules, I allow it.
I show respect now and I'm starting to get it back.
We can share memorable moments with our children without the cops being called.
Did that happen by accident?
No ma'am.
No sir.
I paid the cost.
And watching my children laugh and play with their dad at birthday parties and holidays is well worth the price tag.
You have to ask yourself what matters most to you. Does it matter how you look to your girlfriends and family or does it matter how your children get to grow up? For what it's worth, I grew up knowing my father and he was a fixture in my life. But that too came with a price tag. My mother made a decision long ago that the preservation of her family meant more to her than her own need to get even.
Everything has a cost and you have to decide what worthy of your payment.
In my opinion, anything that insures your children grow up happy, healthy and loved by two parents is a no-brainer.
At least from me, you won't be judged and I certainly won't be jealous.
After all, you paid the cost to be there.
Been there and done it.
My children have an older sister who has them by 10 years. About three years ago, her mother made the decision to move out of state. But before the move, I already saw signs of jealousy creeping up.
When she would come up for visits, I noticed her taking inventory of Matt and Cait's clothes and shoes. She would make little comments like, "Must be nice", or something to that effect.
Blah.
More recently, I've heard rumors of their being jealousy concerning their father doing more for my two children than for his oldest child.
It is true that he does spend more time with his children by me than his oldest. Any judge and jury can try and convict him on those charges but really, I'm not trying to feel it.
Why?
People can make judgments and assumptions all they want from the outside looking in.
But only those involved know the facts.
Here's what I know for a fact.
I paid the cost to be here in this place with their father.
It did not come easy. It involved a lot of pride being swallowed, a lot of tears being shed and a lot of conversations with God and close family and friends. I didn't get here waiting on him to do or be the man I thought he could or should be.
I got here by deciding I was going to deal with the man he IS and make the most of it for the sake of our children.
I made a lot of mistakes along the way and so did he but ultimately, I decided that no matter what, I was going to give my children a fighting chance at having a relationship with their dad.
There's nothing "fair" about parenting. Go ahead and wipe that notion of fairness right on out of your head. There's nothing convenient or self serving about it. I've made plenty of decisions not for my sake, but for theirs. And one decision I made was to do everything within my power to facilitate their relationship with their dad.
Not every woman is willing to do what I did and make the sacrifices I've made to make that happen and I understand that.
I also understand that's the difference between my children's relationship with their father and other children's relationship to their fathers dealing with similar circumstances.
You can't hate on me or the relationship my children enjoy with their dad if you're not willing to do the work it takes to make that happen.
Even if you're not married to the man you've made children with and are no longer in a romantic relationship with him, that doesn't mean the work stops. For many it does, but for the ones who are serious about doing what's necessary to have the father of their children around, the work doesn't stop when two people call the relationship done. What happens is that a NEW relationship begins.
It takes just as much work, just as much sacrifice and just as much determination as a romantic relationship.
What keeps me motivated?
My children.
It was my decision to get with their dad so why should I punk out on them just because things got a little tough? Why do I get to get off the hook so easily at their expense? I owed it to them to figure out a way to make the best of a situation I chose and they inherited.
There are some days when it feels like I'm doing all the work. It feels like I'm doing all the bending, making all the concessions, making all of the effort.
And then there are those days when I realize that all of my sacrificing isn't in vain and it's paying off.
What day is that?
Birthdays.
Holidays.
When their father and I can play with our children together in a public place, share memories, exchange gifts with our children, snap pictures, share hugs and love on our babies TOGETHER; you don't get moments like that for free.
You don't just luck up on those type of moments.
That takes real, honest effort and a heart willing to forgive.
A heart willing to stop keeping a running tab of wrongdoing.
A heart willing to let the past go.
A heart willing to accept an apology even if you know he'll probably do it again later on.
A heart willing to give him a second, third and fourth chance to do right by his children.
You don't get there for free.
So yea, people may look in with jealousy, thinking this or that... but they don't see the work that has gone into making this relationship with my children's father what it is today.
That's my message to single mothers. Sure, there are some raggedy men out there, no doubt. But there are also some men of well intentions that although they want to do right, just can't seem to do so. They love their children with all their hearts but for one reason or another, they can't seem to translate this love to the world in an acceptable way.
I know my children's father loves them. It's this understanding that fuels me when things get tough. He can be inconsiderate and absent minded. He's not the best at prioritizing. There are some things he considers to be "important" that I would have made a different choice regarding. He still frustrates me.
But we keep trying.
When he apologizes, I accept it.
When he reschedules, I allow it.
I show respect now and I'm starting to get it back.
We can share memorable moments with our children without the cops being called.
Did that happen by accident?
No ma'am.
No sir.
I paid the cost.
And watching my children laugh and play with their dad at birthday parties and holidays is well worth the price tag.
You have to ask yourself what matters most to you. Does it matter how you look to your girlfriends and family or does it matter how your children get to grow up? For what it's worth, I grew up knowing my father and he was a fixture in my life. But that too came with a price tag. My mother made a decision long ago that the preservation of her family meant more to her than her own need to get even.
Everything has a cost and you have to decide what worthy of your payment.
In my opinion, anything that insures your children grow up happy, healthy and loved by two parents is a no-brainer.
At least from me, you won't be judged and I certainly won't be jealous.
After all, you paid the cost to be there.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Overcoming the Immature Man...
I've fought him.
I've cussed him out.
I've walked away from him.
I've criticized him.
I've ridiculed him.
I even gave up on him.
It wasn't until the Holy Spirit dealt with my heart that I finally began to understand him.
Who is he?
He's the immature man.
I can't tell you how many women I've spoken to, prayed for and cried with, all because of the immature man in their lives. Frustrated, hurt, confused, angry and sometimes bitter. So many of us women have thrown our hands up in frustration, not knowing what to do.
The first thing I want to share with you from the Throne of Grace is that women were not created as a problem but as a solution.
In the garden of Eden, God HIMSELF observed Adam's problem and moved to custom design his solution.
That custom design, is WOMAN.
When you approach any problem in your relationships with men, whether they be fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands or sons, remember that within you lies the answer.
I want to share with you some of the main points that the Holy Spirit shared with me that helped me overcome the immaturity of the men in my life:
Maturity is a process. Ecclesiastes tells us that "to everything there is a season and a time and a purpose to everything under the heaven". It takes time to grow up and everyone has a different rate of maturity, even women.
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11 that when he was a child, he thought and spoke as a child but when he "became a man", he put away childish things. Again, to "become" something takes a process and a man becoming a mature man is no exception.
While we cannot change the time it takes for any man to mature, we can facilitate an environment conducive to that maturity.
Remember that even an immature man is STILL A MAN! He's not a boy. If he was a boy, you wouldn't be sharing his bed or his bills. Real talk. His behavior may appear childish at times but the first step in overcoming an immature man is realizing that he is a man and not a boy. No matter how green a banana may be, it's still a banana. The fact that it isn't yet ripe doesn't change its species. An immature man is still a man. He may have lacked opportunity to move in a more mature way and that's where you come in. We as women must present the immature men in our lives with opportunities to be more mature. Bananas ripen in warm, dry places. The process takes time but the environment is key.
Women, we're the environment.
It is easy for all parties to do what comes easy and to fall into unhealthy habits. It's unhealthy for a woman to assume the role of a grown man's mama simply because that's all the two of them are used to. In most cases, the man ends up resenting this dynamic and kicking against it. After all, he has or had a mama and deep down is curious to know what it's like to be with a WOMAN, not a mama.
There is a way to change this dynamic of immaturity and it's done by a combination of time, patience, challenge, and consistency.
If you're looking for instant change, then you're looking for a relationship with a man that is built on a foundation of manipulation and control, which is what many of us, male and female are accustomed to. We're used to being told what to do instead of doing what's right at the right time. We're used to men leaving the hard stuff up to us and we shoulder the load, as well as several chips on our shoulders as a result.
If you want a relationship with a grown man, you must be prepared to only engage a man as a man.
Not a boy.
Not a monkey.
A MAN.
If you know him better than he knows you, why is he always getting the best of you? Let's face it ladies. We KNOW our men, whether he be our sons or our lovers. We know what pushes their buttons, what makes them tick. We know that he's forgetful or that he never remembers important dates. We know that he leaves his clothes on the floor when he's tired and falls asleep in front of the tv after work. However, many of us often fail to harness the power of what we know when it comes to engaging the men in our lives. We fail to counteract. We fail to strategize. If you're not using what you know, the shame isn't on the man, it's on YOU. If you know he's habitually late, why do you always wait til 15 minutes before needing to be somewhere to remind him? Setting up the same scenarios and getting the same disappointing results is not the solution. Setting up WINNING scenarios will help you and the man in your life move past the painful past and into a new day that includes mutual respect. Setting a man up to fail does not make you look good. Instead, it makes you look cruel. Look past the immaturity that drives you up the wall and see what he does get right. For me, it was seeing past his inability to be nailed down to a schedule and realizing that when he did spend time with his children, he was very loving, engaging and affectionate towards them. With this now at the forefront of my mind, I was able to let go of my anger towards him for not fulfilling my expectations of timeliness and consistency and in turn, he became more considerate of my feelings.
You want him to win!. Babies learn to walk with guidance, praise and a little bit of challenge. When I held my son's tiny hands as he wobbled on his chubby legs, I encouraged him to walk and praised each tiny step. Eventually, I increased the distance between myself and him and encouraged him to totter towards me. Many times, he didn't make the distance, but pretty soon, he did, until the the space began to increase more and more. The same goes for dealing with an immature man. At the forefront of anything that you say and do should be your love for the immature man in your life. Your success is NOT in his failure. Truth be told, it's a poor point to score in your favor as a woman if it only causes him to lose as a man. Every step of the way, his success should be your goal and your prayer. What single mom doesn't need an engaged and mature father to her children? What wife doesn't need a mature husband? What mother doesn't want to see her son mature and become a contributor to society? His success makes YOU look good and because of that, make sure he knows from your attitude and actions that you want him to succeed.
Respond positively to any step in the right direction, no matter how small. I don't care how badly you may want to criticize his efforts. I don't care how far short he fell of the intended goal. If an immature man makes even a flinch in the right direction, acknowledge it. I guarantee you, if you make this small change, you will see big rewards.
There's a difference between an immature man and a fool though.
I'll admit, some women are dealing with some fools.
I'm not talking about him. lol!
The difference is that fools are not ignorant or immature. They know what to do, when to do it and often have a lot to show for themselves as a result of this knowledge. The problem is that fools often know right but simply won't DO right. For example, a fool is the man who neglects one set of children but cares for those within his new relationship or marriage.
That's a fool.
Aint much you can do with a fool ladies besides pray for a "David" to come along and whisk you away to his kingdom. lol! I'm teasin... kinda. lol!
Pray for your immature man! Not enough is said about the importance of prayer in our lives. Prayer invites the supernatural power of God into our natural affairs. Prayer can go where words stop short. Pray can change what years of arguing never settled. Pray for your immature man and decree the blessings of the Lord over him. I know you want to see him doused with kerosene and a Newport flicked in his direction, but instead, PRAY. lol! Prayer will change your attitude. Prayer will bring you strategies and insights for how to deal with the men in your life.
We don't have to be sneaky, controlling, mean and hateful in order for a man to treat us right.
We can be the answers that God created us to be to their lives.
Words have power. Don't ever miss an opportunity to speak words of life over the immature man in your life.
Show him respect, even if you don't feel like it.
Stop rolling your eyes and calling him names.
He has a first name. Use it among your friends also, and not his secret nickname. Time to say good-bye to "Silverback". lol!
Remember that our relationship with God is not built on manipulation and control. If anyone had the power and right to control us, that would be God Himself. However, we all know that He doesn't do that. Instead, with loving kindness he draws us and keeps us close. You can't make a man grow up but you can certainly create an environment around him with love, consistency and challenges that make maturity conducive.
Change your attitude, your language and your strategy. If one thing isn't working, try another. If cussing him out doesn't work, why do you continue to do it? If pouting is only a temporary fix, wouldn't it be a good idea to stop the pouting?
The good news is that immaturity is not a permanent state. Things and people do grow and mature. With the right environment and support, the chances of maturity become even greater.
You don't have to be his mama to love him.
The woman in you can bring out the mature man in him.
I've cussed him out.
I've walked away from him.
I've criticized him.
I've ridiculed him.
I even gave up on him.
It wasn't until the Holy Spirit dealt with my heart that I finally began to understand him.
Who is he?
He's the immature man.
I can't tell you how many women I've spoken to, prayed for and cried with, all because of the immature man in their lives. Frustrated, hurt, confused, angry and sometimes bitter. So many of us women have thrown our hands up in frustration, not knowing what to do.
The first thing I want to share with you from the Throne of Grace is that women were not created as a problem but as a solution.
In the garden of Eden, God HIMSELF observed Adam's problem and moved to custom design his solution.
That custom design, is WOMAN.
When you approach any problem in your relationships with men, whether they be fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands or sons, remember that within you lies the answer.
I want to share with you some of the main points that the Holy Spirit shared with me that helped me overcome the immaturity of the men in my life:
Maturity is a process. Ecclesiastes tells us that "to everything there is a season and a time and a purpose to everything under the heaven". It takes time to grow up and everyone has a different rate of maturity, even women.
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11 that when he was a child, he thought and spoke as a child but when he "became a man", he put away childish things. Again, to "become" something takes a process and a man becoming a mature man is no exception.
While we cannot change the time it takes for any man to mature, we can facilitate an environment conducive to that maturity.
Remember that even an immature man is STILL A MAN! He's not a boy. If he was a boy, you wouldn't be sharing his bed or his bills. Real talk. His behavior may appear childish at times but the first step in overcoming an immature man is realizing that he is a man and not a boy. No matter how green a banana may be, it's still a banana. The fact that it isn't yet ripe doesn't change its species. An immature man is still a man. He may have lacked opportunity to move in a more mature way and that's where you come in. We as women must present the immature men in our lives with opportunities to be more mature. Bananas ripen in warm, dry places. The process takes time but the environment is key.
Women, we're the environment.
It is easy for all parties to do what comes easy and to fall into unhealthy habits. It's unhealthy for a woman to assume the role of a grown man's mama simply because that's all the two of them are used to. In most cases, the man ends up resenting this dynamic and kicking against it. After all, he has or had a mama and deep down is curious to know what it's like to be with a WOMAN, not a mama.
There is a way to change this dynamic of immaturity and it's done by a combination of time, patience, challenge, and consistency.
If you're looking for instant change, then you're looking for a relationship with a man that is built on a foundation of manipulation and control, which is what many of us, male and female are accustomed to. We're used to being told what to do instead of doing what's right at the right time. We're used to men leaving the hard stuff up to us and we shoulder the load, as well as several chips on our shoulders as a result.
If you want a relationship with a grown man, you must be prepared to only engage a man as a man.
Not a boy.
Not a monkey.
A MAN.
If you know him better than he knows you, why is he always getting the best of you? Let's face it ladies. We KNOW our men, whether he be our sons or our lovers. We know what pushes their buttons, what makes them tick. We know that he's forgetful or that he never remembers important dates. We know that he leaves his clothes on the floor when he's tired and falls asleep in front of the tv after work. However, many of us often fail to harness the power of what we know when it comes to engaging the men in our lives. We fail to counteract. We fail to strategize. If you're not using what you know, the shame isn't on the man, it's on YOU. If you know he's habitually late, why do you always wait til 15 minutes before needing to be somewhere to remind him? Setting up the same scenarios and getting the same disappointing results is not the solution. Setting up WINNING scenarios will help you and the man in your life move past the painful past and into a new day that includes mutual respect. Setting a man up to fail does not make you look good. Instead, it makes you look cruel. Look past the immaturity that drives you up the wall and see what he does get right. For me, it was seeing past his inability to be nailed down to a schedule and realizing that when he did spend time with his children, he was very loving, engaging and affectionate towards them. With this now at the forefront of my mind, I was able to let go of my anger towards him for not fulfilling my expectations of timeliness and consistency and in turn, he became more considerate of my feelings.
You want him to win!. Babies learn to walk with guidance, praise and a little bit of challenge. When I held my son's tiny hands as he wobbled on his chubby legs, I encouraged him to walk and praised each tiny step. Eventually, I increased the distance between myself and him and encouraged him to totter towards me. Many times, he didn't make the distance, but pretty soon, he did, until the the space began to increase more and more. The same goes for dealing with an immature man. At the forefront of anything that you say and do should be your love for the immature man in your life. Your success is NOT in his failure. Truth be told, it's a poor point to score in your favor as a woman if it only causes him to lose as a man. Every step of the way, his success should be your goal and your prayer. What single mom doesn't need an engaged and mature father to her children? What wife doesn't need a mature husband? What mother doesn't want to see her son mature and become a contributor to society? His success makes YOU look good and because of that, make sure he knows from your attitude and actions that you want him to succeed.
Respond positively to any step in the right direction, no matter how small. I don't care how badly you may want to criticize his efforts. I don't care how far short he fell of the intended goal. If an immature man makes even a flinch in the right direction, acknowledge it. I guarantee you, if you make this small change, you will see big rewards.
There's a difference between an immature man and a fool though.
I'll admit, some women are dealing with some fools.
I'm not talking about him. lol!
The difference is that fools are not ignorant or immature. They know what to do, when to do it and often have a lot to show for themselves as a result of this knowledge. The problem is that fools often know right but simply won't DO right. For example, a fool is the man who neglects one set of children but cares for those within his new relationship or marriage.
That's a fool.
Aint much you can do with a fool ladies besides pray for a "David" to come along and whisk you away to his kingdom. lol! I'm teasin... kinda. lol!
Pray for your immature man! Not enough is said about the importance of prayer in our lives. Prayer invites the supernatural power of God into our natural affairs. Prayer can go where words stop short. Pray can change what years of arguing never settled. Pray for your immature man and decree the blessings of the Lord over him. I know you want to see him doused with kerosene and a Newport flicked in his direction, but instead, PRAY. lol! Prayer will change your attitude. Prayer will bring you strategies and insights for how to deal with the men in your life.
We don't have to be sneaky, controlling, mean and hateful in order for a man to treat us right.
We can be the answers that God created us to be to their lives.
Words have power. Don't ever miss an opportunity to speak words of life over the immature man in your life.
Show him respect, even if you don't feel like it.
Stop rolling your eyes and calling him names.
He has a first name. Use it among your friends also, and not his secret nickname. Time to say good-bye to "Silverback". lol!
Remember that our relationship with God is not built on manipulation and control. If anyone had the power and right to control us, that would be God Himself. However, we all know that He doesn't do that. Instead, with loving kindness he draws us and keeps us close. You can't make a man grow up but you can certainly create an environment around him with love, consistency and challenges that make maturity conducive.
Change your attitude, your language and your strategy. If one thing isn't working, try another. If cussing him out doesn't work, why do you continue to do it? If pouting is only a temporary fix, wouldn't it be a good idea to stop the pouting?
The good news is that immaturity is not a permanent state. Things and people do grow and mature. With the right environment and support, the chances of maturity become even greater.
You don't have to be his mama to love him.
The woman in you can bring out the mature man in him.
He + Me = THEM?
"You act just like your daddy".
"You look just like your mama".
"His daddy spit him out"!
"That's her mama, all over again"!
We've all heard these phrases a time or two in life. I'll be the first to admit I've even used some of them myself.
Those who know my family would say that of my two parents, I'm the most like my father. Up until recently, I would have agreed with them. I'm the one who loves to talk. I love to engage the world through words and conversation, regardless of the medium. My mind is full of thoughts at all times.
But it wasn't until recently that I discovered that it was this allegiance to my biological heritage that was holding me back.
You see, I'm not like my dad.
I'm not like my mom.
Although we share similarities, we are also quite different.
So what happens when you spend all of your life focusing on someone's similarities instead of celebrating their differences?
People end up being disappointed.
The one who wants to be copied is disappointed when their carbon copy deviates from the original plan.
The carbon copy feels rejected and confused because they should be able to be just like their expectation, but they can't.
When I look at my two children, I don't see me or their father. Sure, I've said that my children favor me and their father when it comes to their features, but that's the extent of it.
They may look similar to us.
But they are NOT us.
So with the help of the Lord, I have chosen to raise my children with an awareness of themselves and a celebration of what makes them different. I can say with all honestly that I have seen very little in them thus far that looks even remotely like their father and I. Their personalities are very unique so much so, that I've been challenged to find new ways to meet their needs specific to who THEY are, and not to who I am.
It's better to start now than for them to try to find their uniqueness in their 30's like their mom.
Why not let them know now that they don't have to be anything like mom and dad to be ok?
They are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, uniquely designed to provide a solution to this world that only they can give. If they instead spend their lives trying to be like me or their dad, they will have missed the whole point of their existence.
We exist not to be copies of each other but answers for each other.
Not every problem has the same answer and that's why we don't have an earth full of people with the exact same personalities.
There are moments where it's appropriate to emphasize similarities. That's how we overcome things like racism and discrimination.
But when it comes to helping a child discover their purpose and destiny in life, what makes them DIFFERENT must be emphasized and celebrated.
In a world that prefers differences to be camouflaged, it's essential for parents to embrace this Word from the throne of Grace.
It's not our job to crank out "mini me's".
It's our job to encourage our children to celebrate their uniqueness and ultimately seek God for how their unique attributes can and should be used to change the world.
So no, Him (their father) + Me does NOT equal my children.
They're in a class all by themselves.
It's my job to make sure they both stay at the head of their class..
"You look just like your mama".
"His daddy spit him out"!
"That's her mama, all over again"!
We've all heard these phrases a time or two in life. I'll be the first to admit I've even used some of them myself.
Those who know my family would say that of my two parents, I'm the most like my father. Up until recently, I would have agreed with them. I'm the one who loves to talk. I love to engage the world through words and conversation, regardless of the medium. My mind is full of thoughts at all times.
But it wasn't until recently that I discovered that it was this allegiance to my biological heritage that was holding me back.
You see, I'm not like my dad.
I'm not like my mom.
Although we share similarities, we are also quite different.
So what happens when you spend all of your life focusing on someone's similarities instead of celebrating their differences?
People end up being disappointed.
The one who wants to be copied is disappointed when their carbon copy deviates from the original plan.
The carbon copy feels rejected and confused because they should be able to be just like their expectation, but they can't.
When I look at my two children, I don't see me or their father. Sure, I've said that my children favor me and their father when it comes to their features, but that's the extent of it.
They may look similar to us.
But they are NOT us.
So with the help of the Lord, I have chosen to raise my children with an awareness of themselves and a celebration of what makes them different. I can say with all honestly that I have seen very little in them thus far that looks even remotely like their father and I. Their personalities are very unique so much so, that I've been challenged to find new ways to meet their needs specific to who THEY are, and not to who I am.
It's better to start now than for them to try to find their uniqueness in their 30's like their mom.
Why not let them know now that they don't have to be anything like mom and dad to be ok?
They are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, uniquely designed to provide a solution to this world that only they can give. If they instead spend their lives trying to be like me or their dad, they will have missed the whole point of their existence.
We exist not to be copies of each other but answers for each other.
Not every problem has the same answer and that's why we don't have an earth full of people with the exact same personalities.
There are moments where it's appropriate to emphasize similarities. That's how we overcome things like racism and discrimination.
But when it comes to helping a child discover their purpose and destiny in life, what makes them DIFFERENT must be emphasized and celebrated.
In a world that prefers differences to be camouflaged, it's essential for parents to embrace this Word from the throne of Grace.
It's not our job to crank out "mini me's".
It's our job to encourage our children to celebrate their uniqueness and ultimately seek God for how their unique attributes can and should be used to change the world.
So no, Him (their father) + Me does NOT equal my children.
They're in a class all by themselves.
It's my job to make sure they both stay at the head of their class..
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
My Praise And Glory...
About two weeks ago, my sister traveled from the Raleigh, NC area to surprise mom for her 60th birthday. It's always a party when my only sister's in town! We talk daily by phone and text but there's absolutely NOTHING like having her around.
During one of our heartfelt chats, she gave me what unbeknownst to her was probably one of the greatest compliments I've received to date. She told me that she could see how I was raising Matthew and Caitlyn with mutual respect and that they were well behaved.
Man.
It's not something that I publicized or even had a blueprint for. It's not like I saw it coming up. As loving as my parents were, respect was a one way street. They came up under the era of "children should be seen and not heard" as well as things like "talking back" and being "hard headed".
I'll admit, I'm not a friend of my children by any stretch of the imagination. lol! Israel may be a friend of God but in my house, my children are NOT my friends. lol! However, that doesn't mean that I don't love them and try my best to show them respect.
One of the hardest things for me to try to develop personally is my own right to have a voice. It's hard for me to speak up for myself and deal with things that bother me as they happen and in the moment because for so long, I was made to feel like what I felt did not matter. If it hurt me, so what? If it bothered me, so what? No one seemed to care and eventually, neither did I.
But I wanted to start a different pattern for my two children.
I want them to know that they have a right to express themselves as long as it's done respectfully.
I want them to feel like I hear them when they speak and that their thoughts are welcomed.
I want them to know that with me, they have influence.
Now what they want and what they think won't always change my decisions, but I certainly do take their desires into consideration as much as possible.
I've been known to make three different meals for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That was made a lot easier by the simple fact that Matthew has three major food allergies and Caitlyn does not. Often, he's unable to eat the things that she eats. I could just as easily limit Cait's diet to Matt's needs but I don't. She gets to choose what she wants and he gets to do the same, within the guidelines of his dietary restrictions. Some would say that's way too much work for a mom to take on.
That's why I don't listen to what some would say. :)
Sometimes it seems like I'm yelling and fussing about the same things over and over again to my children: "Get down!" "What's that in your mouth?!" "Tell him you're sorry!" "Stop jumping on that bed!:" It's my job to correct them and I do. I may not correct them as much as my parents did me. Trust me, my mom (who I'll write about later) seems to think I'm a little too lenient. I'm quick to remind folks that my children behave age appropriately. They are NOT miniature adults and normal, healthy children laugh, squeal and generally make noise. It is NOT normal to hit, bite, kick, punch and maim people and small animals. None of that is occurring in my house so can we all calm down? lol! There's generally a high level of noise in my house. I can take it. I know what it's like to grow up in a library. No talking. No laughing too loud. No playing too loudly. No messes. I can't tell you how many messes I've witnessed my children make and how many more I'll observe. Funny thing is, before my children were born, I spent a decent grip of money on a formal livingroom suite. Needless to say, small children care nothing about formalities... NOTHING. I can't tell you how many times I've seen things broken, stained and ripped. And guess what? I didn't die. One thing that my children have taught me is that when something new enters your world, it's YOUR responsibility, not theirs to accommodate the new thing. So the formal sofa's not so formal anymore, nor is the livingroom. It's now call the family room. :)
When my sister told me that she could see what I was doing and that it was working, I was beyond humbled. I didn't dive head first into parenting books. I didn't take parenting classes. I'm not against any of those things but I'm a living witness that the Holy Spirit IS a Teacher. If you listen to His gentle whispers, He will guide everything you do, including the raising of your children. When Caitlyn developed a hair pulling habit, the Holy Spirit revealed to me the solution. When Matt was getting ill for an unexplained reason, the Holy Spirit revealed to me it was a food allergy. When either of them exhibit a behavior that I don't quite like, He always reveals the source and the solution.
I give Him thanks and praise for it all!
But the point I want to leave you with is that moms so appreciate the encouragement that you give to them. It's a challenging job with more critics than helpers. No matter who's on their job or not, it always falls back on the mom. Whether we're tired, sick or facing our own emotional battles, there's no pause button. We do our best to instill the right values in our children, hoping that when they're away from us, they'll be the amazing little human beings we know they're capable of being. So when a school teacher, Sunday school teacher,. relative or friend comes up and says, "Your child is so well mannered", or "She's so thoughtful", it's the best news of our day.
Good moms aren't in it for praise and glory. God knows nobody's handing it out in abundance anyway.
But a compliment to our children IS our praise and glory.
In our hearts, it lets us know that we're doing something right.
Maybe I do give lots of hugs and kisses and let them stay up past their bedtime a time or two. But when I hear that my children are compassionate, thoughtful and concerned about others around them, it lets me know that these are traits and attributes that they can see in me and they're sinking in.
It's a feeling I can't describe or do justice with words.
If you know of a mom who has amazing children, please tell her. You may think she already knows because her children are just like totally awesome and so stinkin cute. But trust me, when she's at home begging them to eat green beans or demanding they find their missing left shoe, it's hard to see the progress and the impact of your parenting.
Let her know she's seen and appreciated.
Let her know she's making a difference somewhere between playtime and bathtime.
Let her know that her labor is not in vain.
Thank you Babe for letting me know.
I'm gonna keep on keepin on for them.
During one of our heartfelt chats, she gave me what unbeknownst to her was probably one of the greatest compliments I've received to date. She told me that she could see how I was raising Matthew and Caitlyn with mutual respect and that they were well behaved.
Man.
It's not something that I publicized or even had a blueprint for. It's not like I saw it coming up. As loving as my parents were, respect was a one way street. They came up under the era of "children should be seen and not heard" as well as things like "talking back" and being "hard headed".
I'll admit, I'm not a friend of my children by any stretch of the imagination. lol! Israel may be a friend of God but in my house, my children are NOT my friends. lol! However, that doesn't mean that I don't love them and try my best to show them respect.
One of the hardest things for me to try to develop personally is my own right to have a voice. It's hard for me to speak up for myself and deal with things that bother me as they happen and in the moment because for so long, I was made to feel like what I felt did not matter. If it hurt me, so what? If it bothered me, so what? No one seemed to care and eventually, neither did I.
But I wanted to start a different pattern for my two children.
I want them to know that they have a right to express themselves as long as it's done respectfully.
I want them to feel like I hear them when they speak and that their thoughts are welcomed.
I want them to know that with me, they have influence.
Now what they want and what they think won't always change my decisions, but I certainly do take their desires into consideration as much as possible.
I've been known to make three different meals for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That was made a lot easier by the simple fact that Matthew has three major food allergies and Caitlyn does not. Often, he's unable to eat the things that she eats. I could just as easily limit Cait's diet to Matt's needs but I don't. She gets to choose what she wants and he gets to do the same, within the guidelines of his dietary restrictions. Some would say that's way too much work for a mom to take on.
That's why I don't listen to what some would say. :)
Sometimes it seems like I'm yelling and fussing about the same things over and over again to my children: "Get down!" "What's that in your mouth?!" "Tell him you're sorry!" "Stop jumping on that bed!:" It's my job to correct them and I do. I may not correct them as much as my parents did me. Trust me, my mom (who I'll write about later) seems to think I'm a little too lenient. I'm quick to remind folks that my children behave age appropriately. They are NOT miniature adults and normal, healthy children laugh, squeal and generally make noise. It is NOT normal to hit, bite, kick, punch and maim people and small animals. None of that is occurring in my house so can we all calm down? lol! There's generally a high level of noise in my house. I can take it. I know what it's like to grow up in a library. No talking. No laughing too loud. No playing too loudly. No messes. I can't tell you how many messes I've witnessed my children make and how many more I'll observe. Funny thing is, before my children were born, I spent a decent grip of money on a formal livingroom suite. Needless to say, small children care nothing about formalities... NOTHING. I can't tell you how many times I've seen things broken, stained and ripped. And guess what? I didn't die. One thing that my children have taught me is that when something new enters your world, it's YOUR responsibility, not theirs to accommodate the new thing. So the formal sofa's not so formal anymore, nor is the livingroom. It's now call the family room. :)
When my sister told me that she could see what I was doing and that it was working, I was beyond humbled. I didn't dive head first into parenting books. I didn't take parenting classes. I'm not against any of those things but I'm a living witness that the Holy Spirit IS a Teacher. If you listen to His gentle whispers, He will guide everything you do, including the raising of your children. When Caitlyn developed a hair pulling habit, the Holy Spirit revealed to me the solution. When Matt was getting ill for an unexplained reason, the Holy Spirit revealed to me it was a food allergy. When either of them exhibit a behavior that I don't quite like, He always reveals the source and the solution.
I give Him thanks and praise for it all!
But the point I want to leave you with is that moms so appreciate the encouragement that you give to them. It's a challenging job with more critics than helpers. No matter who's on their job or not, it always falls back on the mom. Whether we're tired, sick or facing our own emotional battles, there's no pause button. We do our best to instill the right values in our children, hoping that when they're away from us, they'll be the amazing little human beings we know they're capable of being. So when a school teacher, Sunday school teacher,. relative or friend comes up and says, "Your child is so well mannered", or "She's so thoughtful", it's the best news of our day.
Good moms aren't in it for praise and glory. God knows nobody's handing it out in abundance anyway.
But a compliment to our children IS our praise and glory.
In our hearts, it lets us know that we're doing something right.
Maybe I do give lots of hugs and kisses and let them stay up past their bedtime a time or two. But when I hear that my children are compassionate, thoughtful and concerned about others around them, it lets me know that these are traits and attributes that they can see in me and they're sinking in.
It's a feeling I can't describe or do justice with words.
If you know of a mom who has amazing children, please tell her. You may think she already knows because her children are just like totally awesome and so stinkin cute. But trust me, when she's at home begging them to eat green beans or demanding they find their missing left shoe, it's hard to see the progress and the impact of your parenting.
Let her know she's seen and appreciated.
Let her know she's making a difference somewhere between playtime and bathtime.
Let her know that her labor is not in vain.
Thank you Babe for letting me know.
I'm gonna keep on keepin on for them.
The Rule...
We thrive on rules and regulations. Rules make the world go around. Were it not for rules, cars would crash, systems would fail and we'd all descend into chaos. Rules established the very world we live in the moment God declared, "Let there be...".
So when it comes to this love thing, where do the rules go? lol!
The father of my children and I have a very unique relationship. We are not enemies. We are not a couple. What we are now has yet to be clearly defined.
But this is what I do know...
Yesterday at 10:50 a.m., he called me with fear in his voice, telling me he was leaving work because he was suddenly ill.
I'm sure the rules say that's his problem, let him figure it out and keep it movin. I'm a baby mama and that's all.
But that's not what happened.
Instead, I called, I texted. When he left the emergency room, I went to his house to check on him.
He didn't say anything negative. He did tell me I didn't have to go through the trouble for him.
Maybe, in the back of his mind, he didn't think he was worth the trouble.
But he is.
Everyone that I love is worth the trouble.
In that moment, when I didn't know what was wrong with him, all I knew was that I was the one he called and I wasn't about to leave him to face his emergency alone.
The complicated past between us didn't matter.
Our gray areas and unclear boundaries didn't matter.
All that mattered in that moment was being there and showing love.
And that's the place where love breaks the rules.
You don't have to explain and rationalize everything.
Some things need to be clearly defined and some things need rules and boundaries.
But love aint one of them.
It is the rule.
Love one another.
So when it comes to this love thing, where do the rules go? lol!
The father of my children and I have a very unique relationship. We are not enemies. We are not a couple. What we are now has yet to be clearly defined.
But this is what I do know...
Yesterday at 10:50 a.m., he called me with fear in his voice, telling me he was leaving work because he was suddenly ill.
I'm sure the rules say that's his problem, let him figure it out and keep it movin. I'm a baby mama and that's all.
But that's not what happened.
Instead, I called, I texted. When he left the emergency room, I went to his house to check on him.
He didn't say anything negative. He did tell me I didn't have to go through the trouble for him.
Maybe, in the back of his mind, he didn't think he was worth the trouble.
But he is.
Everyone that I love is worth the trouble.
In that moment, when I didn't know what was wrong with him, all I knew was that I was the one he called and I wasn't about to leave him to face his emergency alone.
The complicated past between us didn't matter.
Our gray areas and unclear boundaries didn't matter.
All that mattered in that moment was being there and showing love.
And that's the place where love breaks the rules.
You don't have to explain and rationalize everything.
Some things need to be clearly defined and some things need rules and boundaries.
But love aint one of them.
It is the rule.
Love one another.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Join The Celebration, Already in Progress...
1 Samuel 12:15-23 reads:
After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[a] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
I rolled up to the carpool line yesterday in my usual manner. I know I've been the talk of the line; I'm dressed up, hair and makeup done, Caitlyn in tow. I can hear the whispers and see the stares. Everyone is trying to figure out exactly what's with me. But yesterday, a mom that I see often in the line couldn't contain herself a minute longer. She blurted out, "You're always so dressed up. How do you have time for that? All I have time for is a tee shirt and jeans. Aren't you cold?" I smiled at her, not even letting her intended insult phase me. Instead, I looked back at her compassionately and said, "You make time for the things you want".
When I came home, I began to meditate on what happened. I know I've been looking different lately but as far as I was concerned, it was an isolated incident, MY choice. I'm certainly not the only woman who wears makeup on a daily basis. I'm not the only mama with nice hair. So why were the changes I was making irritating other others around me so much?
That's when this scripture dropped into my heart.
King David experienced the devastating illness and death of a child. However, those around him were watching his every move while he cried and prayed to God, pleading for his newborn son's life. They had him all figured out. When his son did pass away, those standing by thought surely he'd take a turn for the worse once he heard the heartbreaking news.
But David did something that shocked the whole kingdom.
He got up, he bathed, he dressed himself, he asked for something to eat, and then, he went and comforted his grieving wife Bathsheba.
Pain, difficulty, disappointment and sorrow all have a scripts and costumes. You're expected to look and behave a certain way when you go through certain things. People don't know how to take it when you do the opposite of what they were anticipating.
I may not have pleaded with God for my child's life, but I have pleaded with Him to keep some things alive that were slowly dying around me. When my high school best friend was diagnosed as manic depressive with psychotic episodes, I tried hard to hold onto what we had before. I loved him deeply, even romantically, although he wasn't interested in me that way. We shared a very loving friendship. But once he was hospitalized and diagnosed, I felt what we had slipping away.
I've tried to repair relationships with relatives whom I love dearly. I've called. I've spent time. I've written letters. But no matter how much I tried, I felt it slipping away.
As I sit here today, thinking over the things that slipped away even though I tried so very hard to hold on to them, I look to King David as my inspiration.
Sure, it would have been nice to have been married by age 33.
It would have been nice to have a college degree.
It would have been such a blessing to have a loving relationship with this loved one or that one.
But it didn't happen.
So what did I do?
I got up, I worshiped. I dressed up and I joined the celebration called life that was already in progress.
I'm sure the ladies in the carpool line mean no harm. They too want to celebrate something in their lives. They too want something to get dolled up about. They too want somewhere to go and a place to see.
And that's the problem.
I'm not waiting for somewhere to go. I just decided to make any place THE place to be, even if it's the carpool line.
I decided that everyone in my life needed to be taken care of and that includes ME.
I decided that just because I've been through some things and am going through some things, that doesn't mean I have to look like everything I'm going through or have EVER been through.
I choose to look differently.
I'm the one dressed up in the carpool line.
I'm the one in full face and hair at the grocery store.
I'm the one smiling for absolutely no discernible reason.
I decided to make life a celebration anywhere, and anytime.
I'm not waiting to be invited to anything.
I'm already there.
If you're waiting on your invitation to a joyful life, I'm here to tell you, you're in for a long wait. The celebration is where you choose to make it.
Get your party hat and your pretty dress on. Get hatted and suited.
The place is HERE. The time is NOW.
That's what makes life with Jesus so supernatural. He's not limited to the "what's" and "how's" of life. He dwells in the place called "NOW".
NOW I can be happy, not when I get married... not when I'm debt free.
NOW I can have peace, not when all my enemies disappear.
NOW I can have joy, not after every dream comes true.
With Him, "some day" becomes TODAY.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Fearless...
I'm afraid of bugs. I know this may sound completely random but stick with me... I'm going somewhere with this.
It's a completely irrational fear. I'm almost 6 feet tall, over 260 lbs. Can you even weigh a bug?
But when one appears unexpectedly in my house, I turn into a squealing little girl. It's really quite absurd how I carry on. Don't judge me. lol!
I had to confront that fear head on when I had children. I was in my room one day and my children were in the family room when I heard a scream. I asked Caitlyn to come to me and tell me what was wrong. It wasn't long before I saw what the problem was.
There on her shirt was a little armored looking bug that I've often seen on my car hanging on like he's made of super glue. Apparently one had found his way to her shirt and was now scaring the living daylights out of her.
I'll admit it...
For a split second, I wanted to beg her brother Matthew to get it. lol!
So what happened?
I took a deep breath, found a sheet of paper and guided the little critter onto it. Then, I opened the door and placed him back in his habitat. Everyone made it home safely that day, thanks to me. I'm sure Mr. Beetle Bug is happy to be in one piece.
I wish I could tell you that when it comes to everything I've faced in my life, I've faced it fearlessly. But that would be a huge lie.
When I held the pregnancy test in my hand July of 2005, I was afraid.
When I thought I'd have to raise him by myself because his father fell off the face of the earth with his own fears, I was afraid.
When I wondered how I'd explain being 28 and pregnant to my family, I was afraid.
When I thought about how on earth I'd raise a child when I'd barely changed a diaper, I was afraid.
Fear has been a factor in my life for sure, even before my children arrived.
However, just like that irrational fear of the wee little beetle bug, all my other fears have proven to be just as irrational.
Little did I know at the time why grace is said to be so amazing.
It's amazing because it meets you right where you are, mistakes and faults stacked around you like boxes, but it NEVER leaves you where it finds you.
Grace found me and lifted me. Grace showed me that even though I'd done a lot of wrong and made plenty of bad decisions, the best decision I ever made was to follow Jesus. That one decision guaranteed me that I'd never lose in life. EVER.
No matter where I go, the grace of God will find me and I will win.
"Diary Of A Baby Mama" is proof positive that you don't have to live as a victim of circumstances beyond your control or even of your own design. There truly is "grace for every place". If you believe and trust God, He can meet you wherever you are and lift you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.
I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But I am a woman that is CONVINCED of the power of God and His ability to transform your life if you let Him. I'm a life that is changed.
No matter where you are today, Grace can find you.
I can't tell you how many days and nights I cried, scared and confused... guilty and disgusted. I was frustrated and hurt. Angry and disappointed in myself.
But grace found me.
Grace doesn't change your circumstances. Grace changes YOU.
And when you change, everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING begins to change.
With Love and God's Amazing Grace,
-Mel
It's a completely irrational fear. I'm almost 6 feet tall, over 260 lbs. Can you even weigh a bug?
But when one appears unexpectedly in my house, I turn into a squealing little girl. It's really quite absurd how I carry on. Don't judge me. lol!
I had to confront that fear head on when I had children. I was in my room one day and my children were in the family room when I heard a scream. I asked Caitlyn to come to me and tell me what was wrong. It wasn't long before I saw what the problem was.
There on her shirt was a little armored looking bug that I've often seen on my car hanging on like he's made of super glue. Apparently one had found his way to her shirt and was now scaring the living daylights out of her.
I'll admit it...
For a split second, I wanted to beg her brother Matthew to get it. lol!
So what happened?
I took a deep breath, found a sheet of paper and guided the little critter onto it. Then, I opened the door and placed him back in his habitat. Everyone made it home safely that day, thanks to me. I'm sure Mr. Beetle Bug is happy to be in one piece.
I wish I could tell you that when it comes to everything I've faced in my life, I've faced it fearlessly. But that would be a huge lie.
When I held the pregnancy test in my hand July of 2005, I was afraid.
When I thought I'd have to raise him by myself because his father fell off the face of the earth with his own fears, I was afraid.
When I wondered how I'd explain being 28 and pregnant to my family, I was afraid.
When I thought about how on earth I'd raise a child when I'd barely changed a diaper, I was afraid.
Fear has been a factor in my life for sure, even before my children arrived.
However, just like that irrational fear of the wee little beetle bug, all my other fears have proven to be just as irrational.
Little did I know at the time why grace is said to be so amazing.
It's amazing because it meets you right where you are, mistakes and faults stacked around you like boxes, but it NEVER leaves you where it finds you.
Grace found me and lifted me. Grace showed me that even though I'd done a lot of wrong and made plenty of bad decisions, the best decision I ever made was to follow Jesus. That one decision guaranteed me that I'd never lose in life. EVER.
No matter where I go, the grace of God will find me and I will win.
"Diary Of A Baby Mama" is proof positive that you don't have to live as a victim of circumstances beyond your control or even of your own design. There truly is "grace for every place". If you believe and trust God, He can meet you wherever you are and lift you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.
I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But I am a woman that is CONVINCED of the power of God and His ability to transform your life if you let Him. I'm a life that is changed.
No matter where you are today, Grace can find you.
I can't tell you how many days and nights I cried, scared and confused... guilty and disgusted. I was frustrated and hurt. Angry and disappointed in myself.
But grace found me.
Grace doesn't change your circumstances. Grace changes YOU.
And when you change, everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING begins to change.
With Love and God's Amazing Grace,
-Mel
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Diary's Milestone Coming Up!
I can hardly believe it. This baby that I gave birth to is about to turn a year old! Diary of A Baby Mama was a whisper that came to me from God to share my story, no, my TESTIMONY with as many as would be willing to read it.
I had no idea what I wanted to say or how to say it.
I didn't even know where to begin, so much so that my very first post was entitled, "The Fear of Beginning".
All this week I will be celebrating this ministry that the Lord has given to me as well as giving some sneak peaks of where the blog will be headed in 2012. I'm so excited about it and I'm telling you now, it'll be bigger and better!
Stay tuned for what God is about to do through "The Diary Of A Baby Mama" and thank you to those who continue to support this work that the Lord has committed to me.
I honor you and treasure your support always.
With Love and Grace,
-Mel
I had no idea what I wanted to say or how to say it.
I didn't even know where to begin, so much so that my very first post was entitled, "The Fear of Beginning".
All this week I will be celebrating this ministry that the Lord has given to me as well as giving some sneak peaks of where the blog will be headed in 2012. I'm so excited about it and I'm telling you now, it'll be bigger and better!
Stay tuned for what God is about to do through "The Diary Of A Baby Mama" and thank you to those who continue to support this work that the Lord has committed to me.
I honor you and treasure your support always.
With Love and Grace,
-Mel
Woman
I decided several weeks ago that it was time for me to step my game up in the area of my appearance. There's a "me" that I've always wanted to present to the world but for one reason or another, it just didn't happen. Before I had Matthew and Caitlyn, that woman that I saw that I could be started to emerge but she still had a lot of clutter to clear out of her heart and mind.
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| The early days of motherhood. Working full time, nursing, and two babies still in diapers. It's a wonder I could see straight but this definitely wasn't "me". |
Soon after their births, I quickly descended into a frumpy lifestyle. But who really could blame me? Full time working, nursing mom with two children who were 19 months apart. Yea. It's a wonder I could put my head on straight, let alone piece an outfit together.
I stopped wearing makeup because my precious little babies would lick and touch my face constantly as they discovered the world around them. But five years later, no babies were licking my face but my face was still bare. It just became easier to let it go, not to mention I used to use MAC makeup products which cost a small fortune. I could afford them when it was just me to support, but now with a household of three, I felt guilty about every purchase I made. I always found a reason or excuse to put it back and buy something instead for the babies.
But inside I felt lost, forgotten and neglected.
It's funny how what's on the inside has a way of seeping out.
I just wasn't happy inside so I couldn't find a reason to pull it together. Back in the day, I was known for my hair and shoe game always being on point. But lately, both were not up to par.
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| An early attempt at bringing back the woman within, after the children were born. Not bad, but still not where I wanted to be. |
Moms have heard so many times how we need to fix ourselves up and not let ourselves go when the children come. But that's so much easier said than done. There aren't too many voices in the world telling moms it's ok to think of themselves. Just about every voice in a woman's life is telling her not only to give but to give SOME MORE. Some moms' feet don't touch the ground until 7 p.m. every night with everything they have to do for their families. I'm up every morning at 6 and I don't settle down until 12 midnight. If I didn't stay up so late, I'd have no time alone with my thoughts and for blogging. :)
So yea... not too many voices in my life were telling me it was ok to think of myself and treat myself good. In 2010, I started speaking up for myself a little bit. I spent the money and found a bariatric doctor and began a weight loss program. I lost about 30 lbs and managed to keep around 20 of it off. I'm ok with my current weight and size which seems to be holding at about a thick 20. I rather like my curves and for a 33 year old mother of 2, I think I'm lookin pretty gosh darn good!
I've always been into hair. Before I graduated from high school, it was my intention to be a cosmetologist. But God had different plans for me and used my English teacher to encourage me to apply to a small, all women's college I'd never heard of before in my life. But anything that involves creativity immediately grabs my attention. It's no surprise that hair and make up are now my new pass times. I finally get to create the looks I've always admired on other women and that makes me feel wonderful.
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| Wow, could this be the woman I've been looking for all these years? |
The kiddos don't quite know how to take their glammed up mommy. They stare and give me the sweetest little compliments. "I like your eyes mommy". "I like your hair mommy". What mama doesn't want to hear her children give her compliments? Caitlyn loves wearing cute little headbands now and likes feeling "pretty". Matt hugs me and holds my hand after school, that is, until he spots the playground and runs off to play for a bit. It's just amazing how the whole house is lifted when mama is lifted.
When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you look good! The last two years have been the best years of my life. No, the road hasn't always been easy but the inner peace that I now enjoy because of the presence of the Lord and His amazing grace, has transformed my life. I so enjoy living now. I look forward to each new day. Sure, I deal with this and that but now, I realize I'm not alone and I have help. He's willing and able to help me and deliver me from any situation I will and could ever face.
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| Yep! There's she is! Welcome to Life Woman of God! |
So yea, I'm stepping my game up. It's a new day. It's a new season. I'm ready for the new that God is bringing to every aspect of my life. Gone are the days of trying to look good for anyone other than me. I alone approve of what I wear and what I don't. I have a voice now. I have an opinion. I have a right to be me. There's never been a time in my life when I was more comfortable in the skin I'm in than now. I'm still overweight. I still have stretch marks. I still have flaws and imperfections but now, the woman that I always wanted to present to the world is starting to rise up and the little hurt and lonely girl is starting to grow up & be HEALED. I can be cute all by myself just for myself. I smile because I have so much to be thankful for and glad about. I survived some things. I outlived some things. I lived down some things. I've overcome some things. I've gotten over some things. And now, I'm believing God for some NEW things.
I'm standing in a new realm called faith and walking into a new life of grace and mercy.
And I fully intend to look the part.
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