Caitlyn's Hair Journey

I wanted to take a moment to chronicle Caitlyn's hair journey. Both of my children came from the womb with a head full of beautiful black hair. That would explain the heartburn I endured, right? lol! As Caitlyn got older, her hair texture became more and more curly.
I'll admit in the early days, I wasn't all that skilled or creative. Not all black women can braid.
I'm one of them.
I do ok with plaits but cornrows? Nope. It's probably because my mom didn't know how to cornrow either. Amazing how such skills get passed down from mother to daughter. But she did teach me how to plait which helped me to an extent.
I was the little girl coming up with the "bad hair". I was barely 11 years old when my father sent my sister and I to the hair dresser for matching Jerri curls. I'll spare you that photo montage. So coming up, I always had hair issues. It was unruly, thick, coarse, you name it, that's what it was. It was hard to comb. It broke combs.
Now here I was with a beautiful baby girl who's hair was very, very curly. I didn't know what to do with it so I ended up doing very little.

Here's Caitlyn at around 8 or 9 months old

When she was this size, I got away with my lack of creativity. But the older she got, I realized I had to do better. Last year, when Caitlyn went through her hair pulling issue (I'll blog about that at length soon) and recovered from it, I realized that I'd have to do a better job at nurturing her hair growth. By the time she overcame her hair pulling, I didn't have very much to work with in the back. I found a mom on youtube name Katie Lynn Lynn who was the adoptive mom of two Liberian little girls. I was completely fascinated and inspired by her dedication to the care of her little girls' hair. Why? Primarily because she was white. I said to myself, "If she can overcome any reservations she may have about hair care for her daughters, surely I can!"

So away I went.

After watching a few youtubes of Katie, I decided to give the piggyback braids a try. Here's my first attempt:

When I realized that I COULD style my daughter's hair well and didn't have to feel less than because I was unable to cornrow, I ventured into different styles. I am so serious that other moms made me feel less than because I couldn't braid my daughter's hair. In the beginning, her aunt on her father's side would braid her hair when she felt like it. Both the aunt and Marc didn't waste time comparing her styling skills to mine. Rather than fighting back, I acquiesced and let her do the styling. This left me feeling pretty low and incompetent.
But here's the message I'm trying to send here...
I'm the best mommy for the job!
I don't care how many moms out there can style their daughters hair like a pro, I'm still the best mommy for the job. How many African American moms have told other moms of beautiful African American little girls that they couldn't style their children's hair properly? When I saw Katie's youtube channel, I was liberated. If a white woman (who quite frankly had a way harder road to hold than me) could step up to the plate, learn the techniques and needs of her daughter's hair types, so could I.

Pardon her frowny face. She was fussy this day. lol!

Caitlyn's hair braided, about a month ago.

So here's what I started doing differently:
1. Since hair "grows", I decided that the best thing for me to do, even if I wasn't sure of all the products to use, would be to be more consistent in how often I touched her hair. Whatever I did, I had to make sure I was doing it routinely, i.e. routinely washing, conditioning, moisturizing, combing and brushing. You can't just leave hair alone. That's what I had to learn. Even if it's not the best care, hair will respond to CARE.
2. I changed my attitude about her hair. I embraced her curls. Her hair wasn't "bad" or even hard to manage. The problem wasn't her hair, but my ignorance. I committed myself to loving her hair.
3. I decided to be confident in what I could do, instead of insecure about what I couldn't. I still can't cornrow my daughter's hair. But I do a mean piggyback braid! I also do great pigtails and two stranded twists. I do what I can do well and think nothing of what I can't do.
Caitlyn's hair stays braided about 80% of the time. Most of the time I braid it straight from her wash and conditioning, no blow drying or heat. I decided to do something different yesterday, just to mark the progress her hair has made since I implemented a few changes, mainly in my attitude:

Isn't she an absolute DOLL?! I LOVE her hairstyle! No, my parts aren't precise and there's no fancy bells and whistles, but I did it! I was able to make my daughter look presentable. I successfully blow dried and flat ironed her hair all by my lonesome. I probably won't do this style too often because I'm not a fan of too much heat, but when I want to give her a different look, I now know that I can do it. That makes me feel really good.

YOU are enough for your babies.
And that, is all.

Are You Listening?

Have you ever had a "conversation" with someone that didn't afford you the chance to get a word in edge wise? Has that same person seemed to appreciate your silence more than your input?
Have you ever needed the person who used your ears to unload their burdens to listen to you? Were you ever disappointed when they didn't seem to have the time or interest in doing so for you?
I have.
I've been doing some thinking about this whole concept of friendship, as well as some self examination. I'm a talkative person. I'm certainly not in denial about it. But here lately, I've done more writing than talking. Why? It's because I've been reevaluating what it truly means to be a friend to someone.
My listening skills weren't all that great. I was more interested in making my point and being heard than I was in actually hearing what someone else had to say. When I looked at my own life and its relationships, I didn't feel like I had many people who were truly there for me to listen, offer advice and to care about what I was going through.
However, the tough reality is that we reap what we sow.
If I don't have something in my life, chances are, I'm not being that to someone else.
If I want it in my life, I've got to be that for someone else.
So now, I talk less and listen more. That means I've often forgotten a good point that could have been the slam dunk of all great points I ever made, but guess what? My friends didn't seem to notice or care. At the end of the conversation, they were just glad to have someone who listened and cared... not someone who had a great one-liner.
I'll save the one liners for my writing.
I'm put on my listening ears for my friends.

Bigger Cup

Nothing starts my morning off great like a rich cup of coffee! I've been a fan of the taste of coffee since I was about four years old and my mom used to give me a few sips of her Sanka. Anybody remember Sanka?! lol!
I loved the smell and taste of coffee.
Fast forward to 2010, and I decided to join Gevalia's coffee club. Oh, the joy! I don't drink coffee every single morning but here and there, I'll take in a good cup or two. But here lately, I've become frustrated.
Here's the source of my frustration...

It's not the coffee, but the CUP it's in! The coffee is FANTASTIC! I enjoy each velvety drop. My frustration comes from the cup that holds my favorite coffee. I must admit, I gave more thought to the coffee than I did the container that would hold it. I put my credit card number down and signed up to receive the gourmet coffee by mail...
But I didn't even go out to the store to find a cup suitable enough to hold it.

Wow.
That will preach, won't it?

Bye Bye Step Mom!

I remember it like it was yesterday; the first day I was introduced to Marc's oldest child.
She was only eight years old when Marc and I first met but had turned nine by the time he arranged for us to meet. Matt was still an infant but my relationship with Marc had progressed to the point that he felt comfortable with introducing me to his daughter who was indisputably dear to his heart. Long before I met her, I'd already been informed by his relatives that he and his daughter were very close. I can remember a time or two calling him on the phone and he telling me he had to call me back later because it was time to help her with her bath or tie up her hair for bedtime.
He knocked on the door of my apartment and I opened it. There before me was the cutest, light skinned and  version of him. She was quiet but very polite, no disrespect in sight. She had a story of her own.
By eight years old, she'd already seen both of her parents move on to other relationships. Her mom at the time was living with her then boyfriend and the two of them had a son together. Marc was in a six year relationship with a woman before me, but the two of them had no children. I would discover later that this point caused insecurity and strain in their relationship.
What I don't think either of them realized at the time as we all stood staring at each other in the doorway of my apartment was that I was probably the most nervous person among us in that single moment. I'm sure Marc had his jitters. He was hyper sensitive to my reactions toward his daughter because of what he went through in his last relationship.
It was all new to me.
I was a mommy for the first time.
And I was being introduced to the child of the man I loved for the first time.
This was a dynamic I'd never had to deal with in any of my previous relationships. Most of the men I dated were as I was: without children. I'm not sure if I made this a requirement or if it just worked out that way. And then I met Marc, fell in love with him and my world changed.
Periodically I'd see his daughter, but never as often as I wanted. After a while, things began to feel rather heavy. When she would come, my house would be filled with a very uncomfortable vibe. I didn't know where it was coming from then, but now I do. There was a conversation and a fear going on in the minds of Marc, his daughter, and his daughter's mom that I wasn't privy to. I know it takes a lot for a mom to let her child spend the night at another woman's house. Even though she was with another man herself, she was also introduced to a new scenario. He daughter's father now had another child with another woman.
Let the drama begin!
So I walked into an atmosphere filled with expectations, fears and assumptions and I didn't handle it well. It nearly broke me down. It made me snappy and short tempered when all I wanted to be as accepted and loved. Marc expected me to love and treat her as I did our children together, but that was something I couldn't do.
I made a few mistakes in that relationship but I learned some things along the way that I think can be applied to future blended family situations:
First of all, kiss the "step mom" title good-bye.
 I will never forget the first time Marc yelled out, "Do what Melissa says! She's your mama". I think I went pale underneath my brown skin. Seriously?! She was 11 years old. The last thing she wanted to hear was that some woman she barely knew and that had two children who were competing for face time with her dad was expecting to be called "mama".
That wasn't my expectation at all. She had a mom and a very good one at that. I wasn't in any way trying to take her mom's place or even share her space. What I did want, was to be respected in my own home. That's a difference. Let's face it. Few couples are widows and widowers who have small children and are waiting for a replacement parent to come along and sweep their children off their tiny little feet. When it comes to life in America today, most children come from homes much like the ones my children are in: mama and daddy were never married and now are no longer together. Each parent has either moved on or is in the process of moving on to different relationships. They spend time with or visit one parent or the other and for the most part, they will never live together all under one roof. My advice is for the blended families who will most likely never live under the same roof. Drop the step mom expectation. It will take a way a huge and unnecessary burden.

Secondly, you automatically have authority because you're the ADULT! 

Truth of the matter is that if you've got issues within the relationship with your man, it's going to be projected onto the children from outside of the relationship. I was insecure with where his commitment was for me so I dealt with moments of feeling as if he favored his child over me, respected her and her mom's feelings more than mine, and he expected me to do things that I didn't necessarily feel I had to. For example, if his daughter had a need for school supplies and he didn't have the money, it was his expectation that I would take care of it because we were a couple. Umm, no. lol! This didn't fly because #1, he payed his daughter's mom child support, not me and #2 I simply refused to do his job for him. I believe dads should be dads and moms, moms. When it came to the well being of their child, I felt that was their responsibility to handle. That may be wrong, but where we do start when it comes to the number of things wrong in that relationship?! You see, Marc and his daughter's mom made it very clear that when it came to decision making for the care of their daughter, I was an unwelcome party. I was fairly ok with this sentiment because he and I had our hands full with our two. I gave the two of them a liberal amount of space to raise their daughter as they saw fit. My only issue was that when she came into my home, they both needed to relax their stance a bit. Your child isn't going to stay in my home and not be corrected when she does something wrong. Seriously? And I'm not going to all of a sudden be respected as a parent of your child when it comes time for me to spend my money. No sir, no ma'am.
Examine the needs of your children and establish the appropriate relationship based on those needs.
Marc's daughter didn't need a step mom. She wasn't an abandoned child in need of a positive female role model. She came from a very good single parent home and her mom worked hard to provide for her. What she needed from me was someone who could facilitate a better relationship with her dad. That's probably where Marc and I drew our most obvious disagreement. He was focused on bringing his children together. I was focused on bringing him closer to his daughter. By default, he was already closer to our two children together because for a time, we were all living under the same roof. It was his oldest child who felt as if she was on the outside looking in. And because of this, she and her mom began to resent the relationship Marc had with my two children. I know how easy it is for little girls to feel neglected. I was one such little girl. So I realized that it was imperative that Marc spend as much one on one time with his daughter as possible. He felt that one on one time was reinforcing the divine between his children so he pushed to bring them all together. However, this only heightened the tension between all parties. Had he given her time just with him, she would not have resented his time spend with her brother and sister. She would have had something to call her own, instead of feeling like she had to share everything. Here's a hint parents: children don't mind sharing if they can have something to themselves. But when we force them to share EVERYTHING, that builds resentment.
Just because you've invested time into your romantic relationship, doesn't mean a relationship has formed between you and the children outside of the relationship.
This is something that I'm also guilty of. Relationships take time to build. Children rarely take to a person instantly but don't be discouraged. Time can and will improve the situation if it is actively worked on. My relationship with Marc's daughter is certainly better now than it was then. She's also 14 years old now.
Big difference.
There's a lot of things she can see for herself and understand a lot better than she did at age eight. When she comes up to visit now, she greets me warmly and gives me a hug. Considering all that she's been through, I treasure her affection and acknowledgement of me. I wasn't perfect in the early days but boy, I tried to be. I worry about her relationship with her father because he still hasn't made the strong effort he should to spend time with her. When she moved to Atlanta three years ago, I knew her mom was doing so to send a message to Marc. She was tired and to prove it, she was moving away from him and the life she used to live. She was done with his excuses, promises, lies and laziness. What you don't value, you lose. I don't know her personally. We have spoken maybe four times since I've known Marc but one thing is evident: he made his bed extremely hard with her. So when she announced that she was moving to Atlanta and DID it, I knew it was an indictment against Marc. I'm not saying that I'll never move myself. After all, I have a right to live my life and find a good life wherever it may be. A lot of times, moms bear the burden of facilitating a relationship with their children's fathers but here's the truth. When Marc's daughter lived just six minutes away, he would barely spend time with her. He was never a terrible dad.. just a lukewarm one. His daughter's mom got tired of waiting for him to heat up.
I told him, from a daughter's heart, that if he had to borrow a car, he needed to set up a consistent schedule of driving to Atlanta to go get her and spend time with her. She needed to know at this critical age that her daddy would move heaven and earth for her. She needed to know by his actions that she was worth a sacrifice. But for the past three years, all I've heard is excuses and complaints of more bills than money.
*Sigh*
Daddies, being superman aint easy, but it's your job.
Bottom line is that relationships of any construction and composition take work. It takes work to build a life with a man. Takes work to blend a family. Takes work to form a relationship with children who aren't biologically yours. It's a lot of man and woman hours, but it does pay very well.
Let go of your expectations, really... let them go.
You will not be Mrs. Suzie Homemaker. All of your children probably won't be sitting around the table singing   songs together and sharing laughter. You will probably have to cancel that appointment at Portrait Innovations because someone may have a problem with everyone being posed up in matching outfits.
But that doesn't mean that it can't and won't be good and that there won't be memorable moments made. My children's big sister may not share my DNA but she is dear to my heart because she shares DNA with them. I view her very similarly to her father. He's as much a part of my family tree as anyone, and so is she. At first, she represented his past and because I wasn't sure if I had a future with him or not, I felt very threatened by her and her mom. But six years later, the threat is gone. Now I see that no matter what, we'll always be a part of each others' lives in some form or another. I don't sweat the form anymore.
I'm just thankful for the love however and whenever it comes to each of us.

My New Favorite Shoe...

Ok. so I took a few days off from blogging. My apologies. Sometimes us women folk just have our moods and it's best I make my words few when I'm in such a mood, know what I mean? Not sure if y'all can stomach another man rant. lol! So now that I've had a snack, put on some roomy pants and put the babies to bed, let's talk.
As I stated previously, my love for shoes has been reawakened. I've had my eye on this certain pair of shoes for about a month. I was hoping the price would be marked down a little more. I like to look good but Lord knows I can't justify spending hundreds to do so when I have two hungry mouths to feed! After waiting for weeks, the price never went down again. So before the bad boys were sold out, I placed my order.

And without further delay...

LORD HAVE MERCY!!!
Ok, I know I said the glittery heels were my favorite shoes but I honestly think these have taken their place! I love everything about this shoe, including the solid red 4 inch heel and the red platform with solid black stripes going across it.
A few fun facts about this shoe: This shoe is called the Speed Limit 98 Akey Cheetah Pump- Tan. On the Houser Shoes website, this shoe runs in sizes 6M-11M. I ordered the 11 M, of course, and I've found the shoe to be what I'd consider a true 11. I wear size 11's most of the time because I'm only a half size larger. Size 12 shoes are too big, and let's face it, most of the cute shoes don't come in 12! Great shoe for women who wear 10.5 normally. I'll post pictures of myself wearing them when I feel like breaking out the ol' paint roller and painting my toes. Hey, y'all know I keep it real! It's been a couple of weeks since my feet saw some polish and a Ped Egg (which by the way is an invention birthed in heavenly places) so I'll spare y'all a peek at my untidy toes. lol! If you're my height and weight, then you know that any heel over 3 inches is definitely not comfortable but I've found that platforms are the way to go. I walk on my toes anyway and platforms add an extra bit of shock absorption that makes tippin around just a little more pleasant. It's a well made shoe that normally retains at Houser for about $40.00. I snagged it for $29.97. Ordinarily, I wouldn't pay that much for a shoe. I'm serious! I know true shoe divas would consider this a steal, and it is. But my budget is just way too tight for that type of splurge. But this shoe was well worth it. The colors and leopard print are very stylish for the woman who likes a bit of flair, like me. As soon as I find the perfect outfit, I'll be sure to post it. I'd really love to try a light colored sheath dress of some sort, maybe even a red sheath. Talk about POP!
 I know this picture isn't in the best lighting and you're dying to see more angles but not tonight. Mama is tired! My children's father didn't come to get them this weekend (that's another blog entry) which means no break for me. But rather than focusing on the negative, I choose to focus on the positive...
These stunning shoes!
And of course, I have not one thing to wear with them. lol! Actually, I'm sure I could scrounge around my closet and pull something together but who wants to do that?! This is definitely the perfect shoe to spice up a basic black skirt or pantsuit. I've definitely placed a check by that combination. But I've also been trying to think outside of the box and have considered pairing these with beige, ivory, and even gold outfits. I'm completely open to suggestions. I'll post another pair of stilettos that I purchased last year in a unbelievably bright shade of turquoise. I was looking to punch up my wardrobe with some great color and ended up buying a pair of shoes I was too scared to wear! lol! I've only worn the blue heels once, and that was with a very safe pair of jeans and a white , peasant style top. But trust me, I'm not all about being safe. I don't mind taking a fashion risk, especially if it looks good on me!
I really wish I had a better camera and a steady handed boyfriend to capture these outfits I've been pulling together for myself lately. I know money's tight but that has led me to be more creative. Nothing wrong with pairing old standbys in your closet with new pieces. With the addition of just three colored tank tops, I've created several different outfits. I've also started using cloth belts from other skirts with jeans to create a dramatic focal point in my casual outfits.
I'm not really sure what to call my style. I've been known to pair a valour sweat suit with a rhinestone choker and matching bracelet. Who does that?!
Me. lol!
I like things that make me feel pretty, even if I'm casual. It is very hard for me to dress casually. I always seem a bit "dressed up". I don't mind jeans but I can't stand sneakers. I only own two pairs of sneakers, a pair of white Airforce 1's and a blue and gray pair of New Balances that have one foot in the grave and the other, in my closet. I'm most comfortable in business casual attire. I'm least comfortable in sneakers. IF the mood hits me and I fel up to it, I may post some of my favorite pieces from my closet. I'm sure you're all dying to see what a size 20 woman loves to put on, right? Aww, y'all are too kind! lol!

Ooh, Ooh, Pick Me!

I'm in one of those moods today. I've got some things on my mind and they're causing me a bit of irritation. For starts, I'm just really tired of my love life feeling like a competition, contest or waiting game. I don't like being compared to apples on a tree, buses on a street or fish in the sea. I don't like the fact that many men go "shopping:" for a woman and whether or not you're selected somehow determines your standing in the world. I don't like the fact that I feel as if I'm waiting to get picked, selected, chosen and approved of.
REALLY?
So I made it all the way to 33 years old, through a torturous stint in elementary school, a lack luster middle school career, a depressing high school stay and two overwhelming years of college to arrive here?!
ARE WE SERIOUS?!
I feel like I have a firm handle on everything but my love life. Raising my children is by faith. Making it from day to day and not seeing where the money is coming from is by faith. But when a M-A-N is involved, where oh WHERE is my faith??!
I told my sister that this is the one area of my life I wish would just be RIGHT. I'm tired of all the drama, heartache and disappointment. Why can't this part just WORK?! Maybe it's me and I accept whatever portion of blame and responsibility necessary but I STILL want this to WORK!!
I'm frustrated because I just don't like feeling like a man has all of this power and control over women. I understand authority and I get he was created first. But is it really necessary to have your pick of the women of the world and revel in it? Is it really essential to a man's life cycle to make women feel like contestants competing for the grand prize which is his love and affection?
I just can't get with that.
Not sure if I ever will.
I hear the few men out there who think they're clever and say that women actually wield all of the power. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! It takes an enormous amount of craftiness and manipulation on a woman's part to scale the fence of a man's ego. I don't want to sit up and figure out how to make a man "feel like he's in charge" while I secretly get my way. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why can't I just have my way as easily and straight forwardly as he does? Is it really necessary for me to employ CSI level skill just to get a little bit of what I want and need out of the relationship? Is it really necessary for me to figure out a way to be seen and not heard? Do I really feel like monitoring every word, action and response to make sure I don't disturb a man's lightly sleeping ego?! REALLY?!
The answer is "NO"!
I am not mean, I am loving. I do have an opinion and I don't mind sharing it. I have a brain in my head and a beating heart in my chest. I love hard and play hard too. I have my flaws just like anyone but I'm as worthy as anyone of love, affection, attention and respect. I don't want to feel like I have to become someone other than myself to have a relationship. What's with the men crying and stalking women who have shown them absolutely no respect and couldn't care less about them? I don't want to become a capital "B" in order for a man to treat me good. Unfortunately that's been my perspective. Some men say that good guys finish last. They obviously were in front of good women and never looked over their shoulders once they crossed the finish line. Yoo hoo! Good women feel the same way!
If you're faithful, cook, clean, listen to his problems, are there for him when no one else is, respect, love, care, go above and beyond, change your personality, change your clothes, change your friends and change EVERYTHING, he leaves. But if you act like he barely exists, you won't see or hear the last of him. REALLY?! That's so not me. I can't be mean to a man just to keep him.
I'm not saying I've always played fair in the game of love. I've made my fair share of mistakes. If you interviewed an ex or two, they'd probably each have the same issues with me: "I'm never satisfied". That would be correct. I'm not satisfied with a man getting everything he needs from me in a relationship and I'm getting NONE of what I need while there. NEVER will be. So I speak up, insist, and point out the areas that need to be attended to. And for me to be told by men, who CLAIM they want straight forward conversation and less emotion that I need to find a better way to communicate is to me a cop out. Oh, PLEASE! Bottom line is that you do not feel obligated to adjust, shift or change in a relationship. It is all on the woman to adapt and change and if she can't, she's outta there. That's the whole issue. So the relationship becomes a woman's burden to carry instead of a garden that two people tend.
It takes two.
So yea, I'm a little, umm... irritated today. But  I'll be ok. I'm actually starting to feel a little better now that I've gotten it off my chest. I just want to be seen for who I am and loved for it.
And that is all.

My Inner Fashionista

I've decided to talk about something that I've never discussed before on my blog: fashion.
The truth of the matter is that coming up, I had little to no fashion sense. As a teen, I was awkward and often just wore clothes to keep myself from being seen or exposed, but rarely was I trying to make a fashion statement. Part of the problem could have been my issues with my weight which made shopping an uber-uncomfortable experience. By the time it was over, I was just glad to have a tee shirt and pair of pants. I'm about 5'11", 255-265 lbs with a size 11.5 shoe. Yep. Those are some rather, umm, stout dimensions. lol! I've always faced challenges in the fashion department. Great legs, but thick waist. Narrow but LONG feet. I had no desire to make a fashion statement.
That was, until I hit my mid twenties. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was my change in job but for whatever reason, I decided it was time to step my fashion game up a few notches. I started buying shoes like crazy and coordinating my outfits better. I started getting compliments for my shoes. Wow. ME?! The girl with the monster feet?!! Yep, me. lol!
At the height of my success, I had children. Like so many fantastic moms, I set so many things aside for my children, including my good fashion sense. I was pregnant for the second time by the time Matthew turned 10 months old so flats and comfy loafers became my uniform. After all, it's not exactly easy to carry a stroller and car seat up two flights of stairs in 4 inch heels. Also, it's not exactly comfy being pregnant period! lol! The name of the game for a long time was COMFORT.
But I have a confession to make...
I have a love affair with shoes!
If my foot was an inch smaller, I'd have a serious problem! I've given thought to having reconstructive surgery on my big toes to make me a size 10. Who CARES about boob jobs! GIVE ME A FOOT REDUCTION FOR CHRISTMAS!! LOL!
 I wouldn't care if my whole closet was stacked with boxes upon boxes of shoes! I'm not a purse person. There are some women who would kill for a great bag but handbags have never really been my thing. My sister (sorry Babe.. puttin your business out there) loves shoes and earrings. Earrings have never been my thing. My thing is SHOES!!!!
My inner fashionista has been stretching and yawning for about a year or so but she fell out of her bed when she saw these...

OMGEE!!!

Four inches of glamorous insanity!! I almost screamed aloud when I saw these bad boys in the store. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHY AREN'T THESE SOLD OUT?!! So I bought them and have admired them ever since. If I were a bride, I just found my wedding shoe. But since I'm not one yet, I'm still trying to come up with an outfit that will showcase these beauties for all they're worth!

So right on the heels of these babies are four other pairs of shoes in the mail. I cannot WAIT to get them. I'm like a kid at Christmas! As soon as they arrive, I'll be sure to share them with you. I'm also sympathetic to women who have larger sized feet so I'll also be sharing where I got them and if purchased online, the available colors and sizes. I picked up the shoes in the picture above from Houser Shoes. My local Houser store does a great job of keeping size 11 shoes in stock. Unfortunately, size 12's are scarce and if you come across one, it's UGLY! But the Houser Shoes website also has a great selection of size 11's. Just WAIT til you see the two shoes I ordered from Houser Shoes this time. I don't think y'all are ready... I really don't. I don't think I'm ready for that matter! These things are FIERCE!! Do we still say fierce??? LOL!

So that's a sneak peek into my little world. I love, love LOVE shoes. I'm also developing a love for statement necklaces and bracelets. Dots and Burlington Coat Factory have a great selection of jewelry for reasonable prices. You can easily pick up a nice necklace from either store for $8-$10. I may post pictures of my jewelry favorites as well. We'll see.

Oh, and did I mention the UPS man who delivers to my neighborhood is a tall drank of coolin water?!!! Good God from Zion. Should I answer the door when he delivers my four new pairs of shoes in those glittery heels??! HA!!

Unexpected Blessing...

"Do two things the devil never expected out of you today: Give thanks to God for where you are and #2, Praise God for what He's done for you. He probably won't see those two things coming! Complaining is the devil's ammo. Disarm him today!"


That was my facebook status this morning. Little did I know I was in for an unexpected surprise as well as a much needed blessing. Matt and Cait are getting older and because of this, they have managed to destroy both of their beds. I temporarily set them up on the queen size air mattress until I could decide what I wanted to do with their room. I've been going back and forth on the whole bunkbed vs twin bed choice, plus, such purchases tend to get pricey either way. I prayed about it and meditated on it and kept it moving. Unfortunately my children could not explain why suddenly the air mattress was starting to deflate (I suspect "someone", aka my invisible third child, poked a hole in it) so the air mattress was soon removed. What to do? I went to my garage and hauled out my old queen size mattress and metal frame. It wasn't my first choice but it would keep them off the floor until I could come up with a plan.
Got a call from their father today. He was down in dumps as he usually is on payday. I listened to him vent about his increasing bills (like I had no idea what those were) and his low pay (also, like I had no idea what that was either) and did my best to lend a sympathetic ear. Here's one thing I've discovered over the 6 years of either being pregnant with or raising my children: I honestly don't think it's that some men simply won't take on more of the load. I think some of them can't. I mean, when I hear the things that send him to the ledge and bring him to the point of near fits, I say to myself, "Are you KIDDING me?! That's the kind of trouble I've eaten for breakfast!!" But rather than looking at him crazy, I've decided that there are just some things that I, as a mom, and as a woman, am more equipped to process and handle. There are some things that I can't stomach that he can. Doesn't make either of us better or worse, just different. Remember "I'm built for this?" I thought you would!
So after about two on and again, off again hours of his venting, he suddenly tells me that his parents are at a tag sale at a furniture store up the street and are thinking about getting new beds for Matt and Cait. He called back less than 10 minutes later and told me that they were definitely getting the beds and would be over with the delivery truck at any moment.
He wasn't kidding.
I just barely had time to put my wig on straight (don't judge me... lol!) and throw a couple of stray toys into the kids' toy box before the delivery truck was pulling up in front of my house and unloading two brand new beds and mattresses for the babies!
To God be all the glory.
Here's one thing you have to understand about me. I consider NOTHING in my life random, accidental, or happenstance. Every good and perfect gift comes from above in my book, and I give God glory and credit first and for ALL things! He used my children's grandparents (should I call them "in-laws?!" *shrugs shoulders*) to be a blessing. I rarely speak to them but here's the thing ladies that I want to share with you: It pays to show respect to the family of your children, even if the father being a donkey's cousin.
When I found out I was expecting, I almost immediately made arrangements to meet Marc's mom. She didn't know me from a can of paint but I was determined to let his entire family know I wasn't some clubbing hoochie mama. I had a face, a name, a job, an education, my own place and some good sense. She was polite and asked me a few questions about my family. From that day on, I made sure to always be respectful to both of his parents. Respect goes a long way. I'll repeat that... RESPECT GOES A LONG WAY. No matter what Marc and I were facing when we were together and battling it out, I was always welcome in his mother's home. 
Even though she and I don't see each other that often, I knew that I was someone she didn't mind being around. And that was a deliberate action on my part.
My point is build relationships and alliances where you can ladies. If you are able to make contact with anyone in his family, do so. Even if it's an aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling. Every connection you can make to the family of your children is important. The more help you can get in raising your children, the better. My children's grandmother has gotten them clothes and toys many times and when you're struggling to pay bills and keep food in your children's mouths, every little bit helps. I give honor where it is due and my children have a great set of grandparents.

And in all fairness, Marc has grown up a LOT since the early days. He still has a ways to go, but I'm making a conscious decision not to focus so much on his shortcomings and focus more on what he does right. That's for everyone's benefit.
So, after grandma and grandpa got everything set up, I gave them both hugs and thanked them, which they both received. I couldn't help but say to myself, "They have no idea how much God is going to bless them". See, here's the thing. I KNOW I'm blessed. That's not a statement of arrogance, but of fact. I EXPECT God to show up and show out in my life. Why? Because I honor Him and I worship Him. I'm walking around here believing in Him and claiming Him to be my Lord and my source. He is not about to let me down! So because of that, I can stand confidently and declare myself to be blessed. I can look over my life and see that I'm blessed. So when someone does something for me, they're sowing a seed into the blessing that's on me. And guess what? They'll be blessed too!
I certainly wasn't expecting this type of blessing to come my way, but I wake up each day expecting God to move in my life, some way, some how. It's to the point that I don't worry as much as I used to. When I need something, I just wait for it to be supplied and it always is. I don't stress like I used to, just like the bible instructs me to do. He tells us to "take not thought" for things like food, clothes and such. That's just the BASICS of God's goodness. He throws those things in just because He's our God! Don't worry about things God fully intends to take care of anyway. When you begin to roll your cares over to Him, you find that you are living with more peace and joy. When you're not mad at the world because you're so stressed out, you have more of a chance to live that "abundant life" He promised.
So today was a great day. I am so thankful to God for blessing my children with the beds they needed. One day, I'll look back and tell them the story of how God provided for them and one day, they'll get to trust God on a whole new level for themselves. 
In everything, give thanks people! If anything good comes your way in a day, give God the glory. If your children are more peaceful than usual, give Him thanks. If you feel less stressed, give Him thanks. If you find yourself having enough money to go buy a pair of shoes AND some groceries and not feel like you just put your whole budget in jeopardy, give Him thanks. I'm telling you... a life of thanksgiving is so much better than a life of complaining.

Happy Birthday..."Daddy"

Here's a picture of Marc and his beautiful children, altogether: Caitlyn, Matthew, and his oldest daughter, Keyalah.

Today's the birthday of my children's father. We started off his morning by calling him at work and offering a rousing "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY" via speaker phone. He was busy, but pleased to hear from the crew. After some time passed, I sent him a text and asked him if he'd like to have lunch with his youngsters today, our treat. He accepted the offer and we met him for his lunch break. I asked him repeatedly to please tell me where he wanted to go. After all, it was his birthday and he didn't have to feel limited to just what I or the children wanted to eat. We could always grab a bite at our favorite spots afterwards. The whole point was to give him something special for his day.
I couldn't get anything more than a "wherever you want to take me". *eye roll*
Finally he decided on Church's Chicken... yep. I felt the same way internally. But I didn't judge! It was his birthday and his taste buds. He didn't have long to eat. Lunch hours suck, don't they? So I was delighted to load up the youngins and meet him there. We ate and small talked, and he listened to the endless chatter of our children. I couldn't help reminiscing as he spoke. I thought about how he was just 29 years old when we first met and now he's 35. I thought about how much he's grown up since those days. As he talked about this and that, I thought about how much we'd been through together, and how after all of that drama, we were still able to sit down at a table together and eat peacefully with our children. I wondered what he was feeling in that moment and what his thoughts could be.
As we were leaving and placing the children in their car seats, he gave me a hug and thanked me for his lunch. I told him I had another gift for him (no biggie, just a replacement bluetooth) and he gave me a second hug.
As we went our separate ways, I gave God thanks for the man who made me a mama. It's been a rocky road but he didn't give up like he felt like doing, so many times. Deep down we both know that I had a lot to do with that but the truth is, God used me to be a blessing to him. I can't sit and be boastful because God can use anyone at any given time to bless our lives. He used Marc to be a blessing to me- twice. Now that our children are getting older, our relationship is changing. We both see the need to work more closely together and parent our children. I see the changes he's been making and he sees mine.
I do wonder if he still loves me, but I'm too afraid to ask. I've bared my heart enough times and had it scolded back into its cage. But you know me...I'm curious. I wonder sometimes.
But just for today, I'll let him have his moment. God's been good to him for 35 years. He kept him safe from harm and blessed him over and over again. He's still here, still in our children's lives and still trying every day to do a better job as a father than his own father did.
Here's to you Boogie. So glad you're the father of my children. They're blessed to have you as an active part of their lives... and so am I.

Eventually

I didn't know I was your eventually girl
Sent to live in your eventual world
Waiting for you by the window of your heart
Hoping our relationship would eventually start
When you eventually got on your feet
Eventually our hearts would meet
And eventually you'd be the man of the house and eventually my spouse
You'd eventually share the load and learn the code written all over my facial expressions
You'd stop my stressin and quit messin with my mind, heart and emotions
Eventually.
You'd make a real start and do your part eventually;
When the moon was just right and the creek decided not to rise
You'd eventually recognize me as your queen, and your prize.
Soon as ends started to meet, you and I could greet a beginning to this thing we started and ended
 Started and ended.
Started and ended more times than we could count
You'd eventually show that "good girl" what you were all about.
You'd be her knight in shining armor, you'd be the "end" to her independence.
You'd wipe that smirk off her face and her pain you'd all erase
Eventually.
You'd show her you weren't lying to her when you whispered promises in her ear night after night.
You'd show her you could make things right
Eventually.
You'd be that man you wanted and that she needed
You'd banish those demons of self doubt-defeated.
You'd done so little but you'd do so much
Eventually.
But too bad I didn't know I was your eventually girl
And I never wanted to live in your eventual world
I was there all along and alone in a place called Now
Scared, lonely and confused
Waiting for you to somehow work up the nerve to become a citizen
Stay with me there.
Live moment by moment, and dare to believe that our love and our faith could raise us above our troubled past.
Although we'd never seen it happen, we could have a love that would last
Two children would see love at it's finest
I believed in it everyday, wrote about it and prayed for it.
But you never took the oath, never joined me in Now
And somehow I've got to figure out a way to survive on this Now Island
Full of up's, down's, uncertainty and trials.
I didn't think I'd have to do it without you
But here I am, right here, in Now.
Living and loving life like it's brand new. Painting the town red and enjoying the view.
I waited for you in eventually
But eventually I realized you weren't really there either
You had a time frame you couldn't frame
A commitment with no comment
And I have to walk away and stay somewhere more stable, more definite.
More like what I signed up for, but unfortunately minus you.
Still loving you from Now, eventually you'll see that.
And though it's awkward and tough to be your friend, I'll be that.
But I could never be the woman that
Sat by the window of your heart, listening out for, and wait for you to come
Eventually.

What's In Your Hand?

Exodus 4:1,2- "And Moses answered, But behold, they will not believe me or listen to and obey my voice; for they will say, The Lord has not appeared to you. And the Lord said to him, What is that in your hand? And he said, A rod".
Years and years ago, I heard a sermon entitled, "What's In Your Hand?" preached. I can't remember all of the details, as I was quite young and possibly distracted when it went forth, but the title alone has remained with me all these years.
Truth has a way of surviving, even if buried underneath years worth of folly and foolishness.
So I'm here today, a single mom of two beautiful children, wondering what could this scripture possibly mean for me. You see, I love the Word of God, but the Word that I cannot apply to my life will do my no good. It won't yield anything to me because I have no faith for it. So in order for a scripture in the bible to be productive in my life, I must be able to identify with it. What I can identify with, I can believe God for.
So here's the deal...
Like Moses I'm facing some pretty daunting tasks. My life has seen major upheaval and change in the last 10 months. Things have changed. My life is different now. When I was at the wheel, I had the false sense of knowing what would happen next. Now that I am allowing God more and more authority and control over every aspect of my life, I have to admit, I have way more question marks than pretend periods.
But guess what? That's a good thing.
Everything that I read, including this passage of scripture tells me that God can and will use what I have, no matter how small or insignificant it may appear. It's all right here...somewhere waiting on me to discover it, pick it up, and use it like God instructs me to.
There's so much more to living than being miserable and envious until you die. I want that good life that's filled with spiritual blessings and the favor of God. I'm not too concerned about how anyone else would assess my success or failure in life. As far as I'm concerned, peace & joy will do that for me.

He's All Up In My Business!

My children are at the ages now where their personalities are very distinct and they are starting to compare themselves to each other. The whole issue of "fairness" is on the table. For the most part, I have successfully managed to give them two of everything but seeing as I have a girl and a boy, that's not always possible.
And that's when the drama starts...
Matthew is starting to show defiant behavior I've never seen before while my daughter remains relatively calm. This has been a source of frustration for me.
So what to do?
I pray.
Sounds cheesy, I know. but it's true.
That is a single mom's secret weapon: A PRAYER LIFE.
Last year Caitlyn went through a lengthy phase of hair pulling. She wasn't completely bald but it was to the point that she was leaving little tufts of her hair on the floor at daycare and her hair was noticeably thin in places. I tried everything. I cried, and tried to redirect her, I explained to her why she shouldn't do it, I even tried spanking briefly. NOTHING worked. I would wake up in the morning to find hair all around her crib. So what did I do? I prayed to God. After a few months dealing with this on and off, I was at the point where her teachers at daycare were strongly recommending I see a doctor. By then, I was desperate. The last thing I wanted was for my two year old to be placed on any type of anti anxiety medication. So I prayed and I kept my eyes and ears open for an answer.
One day, I arrived to the daycare parking lot to pick up the kids and another mom was pulling in at the same time. She opened her door and got her infant daughter out of her car seat. I noticed that her baby girl was wearing the most adorable hat. Something within said, "Ask her where she got that hat". So, being obedient, I asked her. To my surprise, she not only told me where she got the hat (turns out it was handmade by a woman who made girl's bows and hats) she gave me the designer's business card and directions to her house! I went in, got the children and headed STRAIGHT to the woman's home. I purchased two hats and two matching flowers for only $20.
I KNEW this was the answer I prayed for!

I didn't even know how I knew, but I did. I wasn't even sure if Caitlyn, who'd never worn a hat before, would wear it. Once she saw it, her face lit up and she wouldn't take it off! She wore it long enough to break the hair pulling habit and now, you can't even tell she had a problem with hair pulling!
My point is that there's nothing that you could ever face that is insignificant to God. He's waiting, ready and willing to give you an answer for every problem you face. Parenting issues are not excluded. If he cares about the affairs of sparrows, certainly He cares about what concerns YOU.
So Matthew's new behavior will be dealt with according to the wisdom of God. No matter what, I believe that He will direct me and give me the game plan to move past this little bump in the road called growing up.

A Special Phone Call...

So, I'm lying in bed this morning, when my cell phone rings.
It's the father of my children.
I know him so well that immediately I'm trying to think of what he could possibly want.
"Something's wrong. He's mad about something. There's something he wants to tell me. He NEVER calls this time of day just to chew the fat!"
After running through that lightning fast mental check list, I answered the phone.
He said, "I just wanted to thank you...for everything, ya know...everything you been doing. Usually you would have cussed me out by now or something because I wasn't doing everything I needed to be doing. But you been real cool and having my back. I see what you do. Thank you".

WOW.
Shut my mouth!
Let me just say this...
It's not easy being the bigger person. I've bitten my tongue so much, it's starting to bite back.
But at the end of the day, my desire is to not be an angry, bitter black woman.
I'm going to ENJOY my life, whatever it shapes up to be.
Whether I'm single til God calls me home or I meet a wonderful man one day.
Either way, I made a decision to LIVE.
My living includes showing kindness to everyone, including the father of my children. I know I'm not the typical "baby mama". I refuse to entertain drama, even his. We went through our shouting and screaming matches back in the day. I quickly realized that was getting me nowhere fast. I was making an impression on him and my children, and it wasn't a good one.
My children don't need to hear a mom that's cussing and fussing at their dad constantly. How can I say that I respect my children if I can't respect the man whose DNA they share? He may not fit into my life as a romantic interest, but he fits as a parent and family member.
Yesterday evening, the kiddies returned from an overnight visit with their father and older sister. I was a little nervous but they came back in one piece, with no emotional damage. lol!
Sometimes mommies can be a bit too critical and controlling. I know I can be.
Although their father proved to me time and time again that he could not be a good boyfriend, he did show me he was more than capable of being a good father. When we lived together, I saw him give baths, change diapers, feed and clothe both of our children with no help from me. He's administered medication, cleaned noses, and rocked them to sleep just as good as me. It's a joy to see him with our children. Since I know this, I had to admit to myself that it was time for me to adjust my attitude and deal with him differently. Learning how to separate his shortcomings as a lover from his abilities as a parent has been a challenge.
However, it is a necessary challenge for the sake of our children.
When I look at them and I see the peace and joy in their eyes, I realize that my efforts to maintain a peaceful and respectful relationship with their father are paying off. He's their hero as he rightfully should be.

Who am I to take that away from them, simply because he couldn't be a hero to me?

It meant EVERYTHING to me to hear him say "thank you" this morning. It meant so much because quite frankly, he doesn't say it much. He's admittedly selfish and self absorbed so it's rare that he ever looks up from his own pile of problems to acknowledge anyone else's. Thank you's are amazingly effective and powerful. Dr. Mike Murdock puts it this way, "Gratitude is the seed for more".
Simply because he acknowledged the fact that my attitude adjustment over the past few months hasn't been by accident but DELIBERATE makes me want to continue. When I decided to change how I interacted with him, I did so BEFORE he changed. He was still the same. My motivation for changing couldn't and didn't come from him.
But no one, and I mean NO ONE can ignore kindness.
No one can ignore sincerity.
No one can ignore respect.
They may not always be able to reciprocate it, but they can't ignore it.

I realize now that I have the power to change atmospheres. Who said things had to be tense and hostile between us? I have the power to decide which way things are going. I don't allow him to offend me and if he does, I forgive him and let it go. I don't hold on to grudges and rehearse them in my mind anymore. I keep the main thing, the main thing, and that's our two children together.
It's up to he and I to define how our relationship will be from here on out. Just because we may not make it as a couple doesn't mean we can't be successful co-parents. And when I say "successful", I'm not talking about that contrived stuff that looks phony and feels fake. I'm talking about someone I genuinely don't mind seeing and talking to. As far as I'm concerned, he is family.
We are family.
It may not be conventional but it's ours. And since it's ours, it's up to us to determine how it's going to be.

It's not easy letting things go, forgiving and not allowing negativity to run your life, but when you hear the words "thank you", it sure makes it that much easier to keep on keepin on.
And there's nothing like the thank you of a baby daddy.
Golden.

To Daddy's House They Go...

I'm just a little bit giddy at the moment. It's not often that I have a house that is void of high pitched squeals and meltdowns so forgive me if I devote the lion's share of this blog post to my happiness! After a brief conversation with my children's father earlier today, he agreed to take them for the night and part of tomorrow. I am beside myself with joy.
I dropped them off at his parents' house because that's where his oldest daughter was at the moment. After we walked outside and he took the car seats out of my truck, I stopped him, gave him a hug and said, "Thank you". He asked me "Why?" as if I had nothing to thank him for. Maybe I didn't in his mind, but in my eyes, he'd given me so much by just taking our children for an overnight visit. I told him that I appreciated him doing what he could, even though he was more focused on what he couldn't do for them. Unfortunately, so many dads spend a lifetime depressed and mourning the dream that they couldn't fulfill when it came to raising their children with more than what they had. But what I hope he soon realizes is that children just want YOU. It's nice to have gifts, named brand shoes, toys and trips to expensive amusement parks. But sometimes just sitting down beside dad, watching a dvd, sharing bath time and getting into a tickle fight is worth more than all of those material things put together.
Alright... enough about him.
Let's talk about ME! LOL!
So what is this mama going to do with herself?
Well, I've been nursing a back ache for the past few days. I'm  a workhorse when it comes to bearing a load of pain. If I holla, trust me, it HURTS! So this backache has had my eyes watering and left me unable to touch my toes. It wasn't until I laid flat on my back on the floor that I found relief. Looks like I'll be spending the night in the middle of my living room floor. I certainly don't mind because it sure beats sharp flashes of pain radiating throughout my lower back all night long.
My mom and sister seem to think my mattress is to blame. I'd have to agree. As a matter of fact, I think it's the bed, period. I've been considering getting a new bed for a little while now. It's a queen, which was fine before I had Matthew and Caitlyn, But now that they're here, we need more room. They love to come into my room in the wee hours of the morning and sometimes, we all doze back off before getting our day going. Well, I'm usually half asleep, catching a wiggle worm by the seat of his or her pants before they topple over to the floor below. So yea, it's time. lol!
Also, my destructively ambitious children have both managed to partially destroy one and completely demolish the other of their toddler beds.Yep. WE ALL NEED NEW BEDS AT THE SAME TIME!
They were sleeping on an airbed but they somehow managed to poke a hole in it (You all have no idea the amount of mayhem two small children are able to produce together...NONE.) so it's usually nearly flat by morning. So they come into my room, and then we wrestle and toss and turn, and somewhere in all of this, mommy threw her back out and is crammed into a girdle my mother graciously let me borrow so that I can touch my toes again.
I'll be spending a part of my free time scouring craigslist in search of new beds. I'll spend the big bucks on new mattresses for everyone but the beds themselves will be as inexpensive as possible. Hopefully, I'll come across some good deals somewhere soon. Mommy can't be creeping around the house like she aged 30 years overnight.
Not a good look.
I'll be sure to update you with my finds!

The Heart Of The Matter...

I've been about as real as I can be about the up's and down's of my journey. A part of that roller coaster ride has been loving the man with whom I bore two children. I did everything I thought was right. I cooked the best  a woman could while holding down a full time job and raising two small children. I cleaned the best I could. I ironed his clothes and put extra ice in his glass just like he liked it. I remembered to wash his jeans in cold water and take them out of the dryer to dry the rest of the way like he liked it. When he tapped me on the shoulder, I rolled over. I gave him the pin number to all of my accounts and he held the cards in his wallet. He wouldn't always use them but he knew he could- all he had to do was ask.
I played the wifey role to a tee. The only thing left for me to do was wait for my Oscar. Sure, we had some heated arguments and exchanges. But nobody had his back like me. When his chips were down, I slid him another stack. I scratched his back and massaged his neck just like he liked it. I showered him with compliments every chance I could get.
You'd think this would have been enough to save us...
But it wasn't.
Truth is, he gave me children, bills, and in the bedroom, he gave me chills...
But there was one thing he never gave me.
 I want to keep it real with y'all tonight so get a glass of Mascato, Kool-Aid or sweet tea, whatever your fancy and get ready to keep it real.
I've seen so many insecure women lately. They're all over facebook and twitter. Some of them question you directly, asking you how you know their husbands or boyfriends. Maybe you just went to church with him or the two of you were in high school together. Either way, we've all seen or heard of the insecure wives and girlfriends accosting people on social sites and putting their spouses and friends on blast.
Although I don't agree with the method, I understand where it comes from.
You see, I was that insecure lady once. I would go half out of my mind wondering where my man was, who he was talking to and what on earth they could be talking about.
I know what it's like to have a man's shoes in your closet and his clothes in your chest of drawers...
But when he comes home, he walks right past you and scoops up his children... I mean, our children.
I know what it's like to ask for a hug and kiss and have him suck his teeth, roll his eyes and keep on walking. I know what it feels like to lay down beside him at night and cry silent tears as he turns his back to me...all night long. And if I though we'd connect in the morning, he would stay asleep for as long as possible and cop an attitude if I tried to wake him before his alarm went off for the third time. I know what it's like to have one and two word sentences. I know what it's like to see "K" as a reply to a text message time after time. I know what it's like to be jealous of my own children.
I know what it's like to wish he could love me half as much as he loved and loved on them.
I know how it feels to see him show more respect and concern for the opinions and desires of his family than the woman who he laid his head down beside every night. I know what it's like to be asked to help pay his family members' bills but be told we didn't have enough money for a date night.
So what's the point of it all?
All the things I just named are symptoms.
Going through cellphone records, checking his wallet, analyzing receipts in his pocket, and roaming his list of facebook friends were all symptoms of the real problem.
Even if he told me who all 295 of his facebook friends were...
Even if he came home at 12 a.m. instead of 5 a.m.
Even if he kissed me more...
It would all mean nothing and be worthless...
I'd still feel insecure if he didn't give me this one thing...

That one thing is his heart.

You see, I'm gonna tell you something my mama, grandmamas, daddy and granddaddies never shared with me. I'm going to save somebody what took me 33 years to discover. You're about to learn it in one short night of reading.
A man can give you so many things: house, car, money, Louboutin shoes, purses, trips, first class flights, and even his babies, but if he doesn't give you his HEART, he's given you nothing at all.
A man will pay a dear and heavy price for his entertainment and amusement.
Most of us women have been led to believe that if a man spends his money, it must be love because there's little that men love more than their money and material possessions. It's true, many men do love their money and material possessions. However, their true treasure is their hearts.
That's the secret they won't tell you.

I just let the cat out of the bag.

That's what a man is afraid to give you and many won't.
So here's the next question:

"How do I know whether or not I have a man's heart?"
This is an excellent question and one that has a simple answer.

That's something that I never had with the father of my children. No matter how many times I cried, shouted and screamed that coming in at 5 a.m. was a problem, none of it had any influence over his behavior. That's why you see women who settle for the title of mistress always sitting with their face cracked when their lover goes back to his wife. He'll sit up and hide you, keep you a secret, make you come in through the back door, call a special cellphone number, meet him at a hotel, follow him to a parking lot and then the back of his car, but as soon as the one who has his heart is close to being on to him, he drops the mistress like a hot rock.
But he gave me a condo!
But he gave me a baby Bentley!
But I had his baby!
But he told me he loved me more than her and told me she wasn't all that good to him!

And all of that may have been true about her.
But when it comes to "having a man", you aint GOT a man unless you have his heart.
What you have is a playmate.
And when he gets tired of playing with you, he gets up and goes home to the person he really gives a rats about.
Just something for you to ponder and think about.
Lord knows I love the father of my two precious and sweet children. My baby girl looks so much like him it's amazing. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't then nor do I now have his heart.
Even today when he calls, he never asks me how I'm doing and if he does, I'm quickly interrupted by his woes and issues. As much as I love hugs and tender kisses, he never offers them.
I'm so far down on the totem pole of his priorities that I can't even see myself there anymore.
That's not because I'm a bad person.
I went through that phase where I blamed myself. Maybe it's because I didn't do enough. Maybe I should have talked less and gave just a little more. Love darn near made a fool out of me. I did some of the most unbelievable things trying to prove my loyalty and devotion to this man. I did everything I could to try to coax his heart down off it's perch. But it never flew down to me.
It never trusted me.
And no matter how hard you work and try, if a man won't give you his heart, you can't do enough to win it.
So where's the silver lining? Where's the bright side, you ask?
I do believe that there is a man for me, and for any other dear sister of mine who may read this whose heart will come flying into your arms. You won't have to be made to feel like a slave. He will trust you because you are trustworthy. He will give you his heart and when you have that, you'll have whatever else comes with him.
But ladies, hear me.
Accept NOTHING short of a man's heart. I don't care if he sets up a joint checking account, moves his stuff in, buys a house with you and makes a baby with you... if it's not his heart, it's not enough.
Because let me tell you this: when you don't have a man's heart and decide to enter into a relationship with him anyway, you're setting yourself up for a life of perpetual insecurity. A man you cannot influence is a man you can never trust. You have to know that your feelings matter to him. You opinion matters to him. Your values matter to him. Your convictions matter to him. Your pain matters to him. You joy matters to him. Your peace of mind matters to him.
Any man who tells you that your insecurity is your own responsibility is a man that's telling you that his heart is his to keep and not yours to hold. If he truly gave it to you, he'd do whatever it took to make sure everything I just named was in place. No question.
No compromise.
He'd put his nosy mama in check.
He'd tell his homeboys he couldn't hang out super late anymore.
He'd give you what you wanted and needed because he already gave you the one thing that mattered most to him and that is his heart.
The heart of a man is his treasure, not his things. Gifts are nice. But never accept a material gift in place of his heart.
His heart is the place where he crowns his true queen.

When God Says "No"...

This morning I awoke with the thought of attitudes, reactions or responses. No one observes more reactions and responses than a mama. Lord knows I've seen a spectrum of emotions on a daily basis from my children. One of my biggest responsibilities as a parent is training my children how to properly react and respond to things.
Falling out in the floor and crying is an improper response to being told you can't have anymore cookies.
Shouting and stomping your foot is an improper response to being asked to go clean your room.
I also recognize that our responses and reactions are tied to our level of maturity.
I anticipate and expect my three year old daughter to collapse in the floor in a puddle of tears when told she can't drink anymore juice. However, when her five year old brother tries the exact same response, he's met with an entirely different reaction from me.
However, it is all training for them and for me.
What came to me this morning was that God, in His infinite wisdom, often uses His responses and our reactions to His responses to test our hearts and motives. No better proof of this is found than in the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4. The two brothers offered sacrifices to God, one offering the produce of his land, and the other, a lamb. God rejected Cain's sacrifice and accepted Abel's. The interesting part comes in God's response to Cain's reaction of being upset. He said to him, "If ye do well, will ye not be accepted?"
That is the critical point that I want to deal with for a second.
Oftentimes, God will say no to what we do but He will tell us instead what He wants.
Now, let's go back to the start of this entire story.
The whole point was that both brothers were supposed to be offering free will offerings TO GOD.
TO GOD.
Not TO themselves.
Not TO their parents.
TO GOD.
I emphasize this because our reaction and response to things that we are supposed to be presenting TO GOD reveals the motive behind our actions.
Somewhere along the line, Cain's actions weren't about God. For starts, he didn't offer God what God required. Secondly, when corrected, he didn't make the change.
That same point can be carried over into our relationships. The Word of God says that "obedience is better than sacrifice". I'll take it a step further.
Obedience is the highest form of honor and greatest display of love.
Jesus Himself said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments".
When it comes to loving people, we have to love them the way THEY need to be loved, not the way we want them to be loved. There is a difference.
You can buy me a Ferrari and yes, it's a great car and costs a lot of money. Folks on the outside would look and think it was a tremendous gift to give me.
But I am the mother of two small children. Since when does a Ferrari have enough room for two car seats?
So there's a difference between giving someone something that you WANT them to have and giving them something that they appreciate.
There are things that God appreciates and respects. There are things that He loves and hates. As we walk with Him and grow in our relationship with Him, we must be willing to examine what we offer Him and adjust when needed. The love is in the adjustment because then you show that it's really all about HIM.
When God told Cain "no", he uncovered a murderer.
What does God uncover in us when He tells us "no"?
Sometimes there's a lesson to be learned in the "no's" of God.
Those lessons are almost always concealed within our responses and reactions.

We're On A Schedule!

Good morning all! After some prayer and meditation over the weekend and a little advice from my big sister (wink) I decided to give a schedule a try. I will be the first to admit I'm not a huge fan of structure and schedules. I admire folks who have the discipline and patience to create and adhere to a schedule but there is something within my nature and personality that resists that type of thing. There's a part of me that likes to have the option to do something else and the rigidity of schedules sometimes irritates me.
However, after a good solid month home with my little ones, I've decided that they want, need and respond better to structure and schedules than their dear old mama. It's unbelievable the difference in their behavior when they know what to expect in a day.
It didn't take me very long to write out a schedule. I sat on my bed alone and created hour and half hour blocks of time and what would be done in each. The great part about the schedule is that I've decided that I won't necessarily hold to it strictly but it will serve as a guide throughout our day. We should be able to look up and know what we're doing at that moment in time or shift and start doing it. Lunch time and nap time is SCHEDULED now. Nap time will give ME some down time during the day to rest and reflect. Dinner time is also scheduled so that we'll be on time for bed. Matt starts school next month so there's no time like NOW to go ahead and start moving things toward his new schedule.
One thing that immediately got changed on the schedule was my prayer and devotion time. I wrote down that I'd like to have devotion between 7:00-8:00. So imagine my frustration when my eyes were wide open at 5 a.m.! Deep down I knew it was the Holy Spirit but I was still a bit tired. I read a scripture anyway and meditated on it. My alarm was set for 7:00 and I was counting down the minutes. Soon as the clock struck 7:00, the children came bursting through my bedroom door!
Isn't it AMAZING how the Holy Spirit works?! He knew (although I didn't) that Matt & Cait would be fully awake by 7. So now that I know, I'll be prepared tomorrow to set an earlier time of devotion. Oh, and let's not forget this will require everyone (mommy included) going to bed earlier tonight.
Just the thought of having a schedule is already bringing an odd sense of relief and peace to me. It's like a budget, but only my time in the currency. Not only can I make better use of my time in a day, it will help me to see just how much time I have and how much has been wasted in the past.
And on that note, it's time for me to go implement this new schedule. Breakfast started five minutes ago!

Sometimes It Just Don't Seem Fair!

I consider myself to be one of the BEST "baby mamas" a man could dream of having. I don't care for the term "baby mama" and as I've detailed in a previous blog, it is more often used in a derogatory manner than not. However, I also understand that few terms encapsulate the whole dynamic that typically exists between men and women who were never married, had children together, and are currently no longer in a romantic relationship like "baby mama".
As I was saying...
I consider myself to be the cream of the crop. There are so many things that I could say negatively about the father of my children and every single statement would be true. He has disappointed way more than he has exceeded expectations. Last weekend, we discussed him spending time alone with our son Matthew. The older he gets, the more I realize the necessity of a male authority in his life. He is surrounded by women and his sister daily. I believe that there must be balance. So he agreed that it was time that he started spending more time with Matthew alone and stated that he'd come and get Matthew soon. Well, last weekend was a bust. He never showed up.
Today was almost a repeat of last weekend but I was determined not to let my temper get the best of me. I started calling him around 9 this morning. He didn't call back until 2 p.m. He didn't arrive to pick Matthew up til after 7 p.m. I was pissed to the highest degree but I was DETERMINED to keep my feelings to myself and let him be a man for a change and take care of his son. Too bad I can't slap taste out of his mouth and punch him dead in his eye for taking his sweet time to come and get his son. Too bad I couldn't curse him out and call him everything but a child of God for once again thinking about himself over his children.
But hey, that's what makes me the bigger person, right?
Let me just be the first to admit that being the bigger person often falls on the shoulders of the mom and it just plain SUCKS to have to be the one to bite your tongue, swallow your pride, and let someone's behavior go unchecked.
But what good would a good ol fashioned cuss out do? I'll tell you what it would do. First of all, it would create even more animosity and tension between this man and me than already exists and in the end, the children would ultimately suffer. The bible says, "A soft answer turns away wrath" and I know it's true. I don't have to be his mom. I have two children already. As childish as he insists on behaving, I refuse to fall into the trap of treating a grown man like a boy.
I refuse to engage the boy in him.
So I swallowed my pride and my anger today and kissed my baby boy on his forehead and placed his booster seat in the back of his father's car. I didn't say a word in front of Matthew about how angry I was and  I didn't even bother to have words for his father then and there. I'll have my moment. But as I looked in the backseat, all I saw was a little boy who was delighted beyond belief to get a chance to spend time with his dad, all by himself. You couldn't have given him a bigger gift. He was so proud of his daddy and happy to be in his company. He didn't care that it took him virtually ALL DERN DAY to get there. All his five year old heart knew was that his daddy DID come and even if he had to stay up til 12 midnight, he'd do it, just for the chance to be with his daddy.
That's all he cared about.
King Solomon had a decision to make once. There were two women that stood before him with two children between them. The only problem was that one baby was dead and the other was living and no one could figure out which of the two women was the true mother of the living baby. King Solomon, in his God given wisdom, knew the heart of mothers. True mothers, not the kind we see nowadays, but the REAL ones...
Justice isn't their first priority.
You see, it would have been just to divide the living baby and split the child between the two women. However, TRUE MOMS don't care about justice.
They care about their children.
So yea, it would have been fair and just for me to not answer the phone when it rang at 6:30 p.m. and tucked my son in his bed, as I've done countless nights, and made up some story about his daddy coming to see him later. But instead, I answered that phone and told him to come on and get his boy.
And he came.
And whatever anger I felt, I let it go.
I let it go because in my son's heart, it was never an issue.
Daddy did come to get him.
And isn't that what we want to know about those who claim to love us?
There's a huge difference between someone being late as opposed to being absent.
When you consider that, pick your battles accordingly.
Matt Man is with his daddy tonight, no doubt asking him 1000 questions over and over and excitedly watching a movie with him.
Caitlyn is with me and has been consoled with the promise of getting to sleep in mommy's bed tonight since her beloved big brother isn't here to chatter her to sleep.
And it's another day in the life of this mama. This is what I do. This is how I live.

But there's grace for every place.
I wouldn't be able to do this without God. I wouldn't be able to get over things that bother me so quickly if His peace didn't rest, rule and abide in my heart. I would be one bitter, angry black woman.
But this isn't the diary of an angry woman.
No, not at all.
This is a diary of a mama.
For those of you reading who have had to be the bigger person and wanted to slap yourself for doing so, I just have one thing to say. God sees EVERYTHING you do. Every time you take a stand for what's right, even if it hurts, God makes note of it and will not forget it. There may be instant gratification in getting the last word, being ugly and showing out, but there's no lasting reward. Had I chosen to do all of those things today, that would have been one memory of my son together with his father that he didn't have. No, it's not fair that so much of my children's involvement with their father rests on my shoulders and is determined by whether or not I feel like being bothered with his nonsensicalness.
But it is what it is. Be careful who you decide to make children with. There's a lot more to raising children than diapers, milk and cute outfits. There's so much more to co-parenting than taking pictures at Portrait Innovations and birthday parties. And take it from someone who knows, raising children is so much easier when you have a partner who is like minded, mature and loving. Looks fade. Cars break down. Money gets spent.
But character and integrity matter when it comes time to raise some kids.
You feel me?
I knew you would.

Haste Makes Waste...

There's an old saying that goes, "Haste makes waste".
Boy does that make sense the older I get!
I had a dream last night that I was a bride. I was at the church, my dress was there and so were my family and congregation. They were simply waiting on me to get ready and come out. There was so much that I needed to do. My hair needed to be styled and I needed to apply my makeup. I couldn't get my hair right and I began to sweat which meant I couldn't apply my makeup. I was frustrated and looking for a fan to cool down and still struggling with my hair. No one seemed willing to help me either. I did manage to get my hair styled but I couldn't cool down. I glanced at the clock because the wedding was supposed to start at 4 p.m. The clock said 3:50 p.m. Talk about a panic!
I discussed my dream with my mama this morning over the breakfast table. I told her that to me, it was the Holy Spirit's way of letting me know I wasn't ready to be married yet. If I try to do so before it's time, like the dream, there will be chaos and pandemonium. If something is to be done well, it needs to be done properly and in its time.
The biggest problem in my dream was that I hadn't given myself enough time for the event that was about to take place. Anyone who has ever planned a wedding or been a part of one knows that right next to having enough money, there must be enough time to execute a wedding event with excellence.
God knows that I want to be in a loving relationship. I do want to be that gorgeous bride who walks down the aisle and into my husband's arms one day. I also recognize that God is preparing me for that desire now. The more time you prepare for something, the smoother it will go.
I am so blessed right now. Even though I do not have everything that I desire, there's no doubt that I'm abundantly blessed nonetheless. I have the love and support of my family and dear friends. I have the peace of God that rests and abides within. I am confident that He is in control of my life and that He will not allow me to miss the best of Him for my life. There are things that concern me and I face challenges just like everyone else, but those challenges are no longer without the help and hope of the Lord, my God. Each day I'm learning to trust Him more with more of me.
The kiddos are hanging out with granny right now. I'm so thankful she offered to take them along with her as she ran an errand at the bank. It's those little acts of kindness that are like forehead kisses from the Lord. He knew I needed just a moment to myself to breathe. Any mother will tell you that raising small children is not easy at all. It takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to care for them. You pour yourself into your children daily. For her to offer to give me an hour alone means everything. It's because of her gift that I'm able to write this blog right now.
I don't want to take any blessing for granted. I believe that God sees me where I am and cares about every little detail of my life. Nothing comes as a surprise to Him. Nothing is hidden from Him and everything about me, He knows, sees, and cares for. So I'm thankful for how He continues to bless me with so many blesses. It's a good thing to give thanks to Him.