Stupidity can last up to 20 years. How do I know this? It's because for the most part, I made a shipwreck of my roaring 20's. Twenty somethings know just enough to be dangerous. They have buying power, independence, peak sexual performance and a paycheck. Look our world! Here comes trouble wide open on two tires!
I by no means intend to offend or infuriate my twenty something readers. This is humorous and slightly sarcastic reflection on a place I once was and I can relate. But I owe it to you to tell you that you're stupid.
I think about three thirty and over women just nodded their heads in agreement. LOL!
And that's what should happen when you enter the decade of thirty. Your eyes should come open like curtains in the morning. Aha moments should pop up left and right. By now you've weathered unbelievably risky gambles against your health, safety and finances. You are either in the middle of a financial storm or sitting in the pile of rubble it left in its wake. You've got a few exes under your belt and the scars to prove it. Maybe that Vegas wedding on a whim in cowboy boots and ripped jeans is now an alimony payment in your checking account. You're quite possibly a parent by now, all but forced to surpress your inner child and manage the very real, and very demanding outter children who now depend on you for everything. You're probably a few years into a career you're not that fond of and steadily approaching what I'd like to call the "mini midlife crisis".
Oh yea folks...
Thirty somethings know all about this.
This is when your straight laced husband decides it's time for him to unleash his inner, irresponsible freak and shed the shackles of lifelong committment. It's also when you stare at your boobs in the mirror and seriously consider using next year's tax refund for a bust lift. Maybe you've caught the glimmer of a few gray hairs in the bathroom mirror and have decided it's time to discuss semi permanent or permanent hair coloring with your stylist. Even more serious, maybe you've buried both sets of grandparents and realize it won't be long until you are in your own parents' shoes.
You're thinking about life insurance for the first time in your life.
Should I get a living will?
Who will care for my children if something should happen to me?
Do I want a DNR order?
Do I want to spend another 10 years of my life in this city? In this career? In this relationship?
Oh yea... it's a mini midlife crisis alright!
But seriously, you should have learned something by now!
The only thing more disappointing than a disasterous twentieth decade is a ten year repeat performance.
Whether you realize it or not, you've learned a ton of things by now. You may not see it because you're effectively submerged in the routine of life that you hardly notice all of the wisdom you've acquired since high school. However, if you took the time to slow down a bit, you'd see, like me, that by thirty something, you can and SHOULD have learned a lot by now.
One of the biggest life lessons I've learned as a thirty something year old woman is that we set ourselves up for much of the dramatic high's and lows of life by our own actions. How so? Here's an example. You receive an invitation by facebook or email regarding your highschool class reunion. First of all, you were not popular in high school nor were you happy there. You were the awkward misfit with no friends and chubby cheeks but as soon as the invitation hits your inbox, you're out shopping at Lane Bryant trying to find something slimming and age defying.
Then it's off to Zumba class and Weight Watchers to lose 60 lbs in three months. Before you know it, you're driving or flying across country to stand in a room full of people who don't even recognize you and if they do, still can't pronounce your name correctly and once again, you're the one nursing a glass of wine at the bar, feeling oddly insecure and unhappy, much like you did 15 years earlier. Here's the best way to handle potentially difficult situations like class reunions, parties, and receptions:
DON'T GO.
It's really that simple. Why on EARTH are you spending hundreds of dollars for hair, makeup, Zumba, outfit and airfare to go and be made to feel like an 18 year old oddball?! Seriously?!
Thirty somethings should have learned by now the value of peace of mind and the absence of drama.
The best thing about making it out of our teens and twenties is that we don't have to EVER repeat it!
So the next time you get an invitation from someone you don't like and that you're almost positive NEVER liked you, simply don't go. *DELETE*
Another realization that thirty somethings with good sense tend to make is that although they've essentially let 10 good years get flushed down the toilet in superficial enterprises, there's still enough time to turn the Titanic around and avoid the next iceberg. Change is possible at any age, but when you're in your teens and twenties, change is like being in a jetski. By the time you hit your mid thirties and 40's, change feels more like a yatch. The mind, body and soul just doesn't get up and zig zag between the changes of life like it used to. Another gut punch is that although we still could quite possibly have more years ahead of us than behind us (it's reasonable to think I'll live til 66, Lord willing), the truth is that the sands of the hourglass now appear to be sliding a little bit faster than just ten short years ago. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles who were embroidered into the fabric of our lives are now deceased. God forbid we lose a parent or comrad. The gut punch is even harder. We realize that turning fifty isn't in the far distant future like it used to be. We also realize that by the time we turn 50, our parents who are 25-30 years our senior, may not be there with us.
These realizations scream that we should have learned something by now.
What do I have to show for three decades worth of breathing in and out?
Is this as good as it gets for me?
Can the Titanic be rerouted?
When I was twenty, the thought of starting over completely from zero was not nearly as imposing as it is now.
I have children now. I have a pitiful yet confirmed credit score. I own property. I'm not sick or dying, but I don't have the same amount of energy as I used to. I require naps now.
Can I start from zero and make it to 100?
Thirty somethings know that although it may seem daunting, it can be done.
Those in their forties, fifties, and sixties tell us that we're still youngins. They know what we're capable of. They know we have the juice to get it done if we take the step.
I used to think that my twenties were a critical decade. Lord knows I made my fair share of mistakes there and made my bed pretty gosh darn hard. Over time, I've realized that actually my critical hour is NOW. As chocked full of nonsense as my twenties were, I came out of them in one piece and with many, MANY nuggets of truth and hard knock wisdom.
I'm smart enough to realize that most twenty somethings won't listen to me nor see the benefit of my wisdom. *watching my thirty and over's nodding and chiming, "Mmm hmm". lol!* We all know the hardest heads are the twenty somethings. We were hardheads once. We were stubborn, fierce, full of fire and vinegar and armed with just enough knowledge to be a force.
We were all there.
And we all got our butts kicked real good by life and its curveballs.
Please don't dispair twenty somethings. Things do get better. As difficult as it is to look at the longterm, do everything you can to minimize the impact of your decisions on decades that you can't even see. Buy a house when you're ready, not just because all of your friends are homeowners. Get married because you're in love and you've done your homework, not just because you're trying to have a baby before you hit 30. The decisions you make should come from what is true to YOU, not what is pressing against you.
Follow your heart, not your girlfriends. Your heart may contradict the "in" crowd, but guess what? You graduated from high school already and you can now enjoy the clique called YOU.
Don't look up and realize you spent the past 10 years trying to find someone who was always there.
You're learning everyday and by thirty...
You'll be amazed by what you know.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
The List
Grocery List. Chore List. Task List. Relationship List.
The list goes on and on!
Truth of the matter is that we seem to have an obsession with lists these days. We rely on lists to keep us organized and focused. We look to lists to chronicle our ideas and dreams. We use lists to track our progress or lack thereof. We also use lists to define what we want in a mate.
I was no different than any other hormonal teenager in the world and spent the better part of my teenage years fantasizing about boys. My dear sweet mother did all she could to give my over-the-top emotions an ouitlet and her solution was the construction of "THE LIST".
It was my task to sit down and write all of the characteristics, down to phyiscal features, that I wanted in a boyfriend and pray, believing that God would somehow in His omnipotent power, cause our paths to cross.
Bless her heart, and mine too.
Here's what my list looked like, back in the day:
Good hair (curly or wavy)
Caramel complexion
Tall
Loves God
Goes to church
Light eyes
Rich
Nice Car
Good job
Minister
That's what my list looked like between the ages of 15 & 18. Sad to say, I've seen the same items on the lists of women twice that age. You'd think our lists would grow up along with us.
If I could come alongside my 15, 16 or 17 year old self, and proofread her "list", this is what it would look like:
Good Hair (wavy or curly) Your hair, sweetheart, is not wavy or curly. Is it fair to make this a requirement? Should hair texture define his or even your beauty?
Caramel Complexion Once again, your complexion is not caramel. You are a beautiful dark brown. HE can be too.
Tall It's ok to prefer a tall man as long as you keep an open mind. After all, you don't want someone to overlook all of YOUR good qualities simply because of your physical appearance.
Loves God This is definitely the best thing on your list so far but you'll come to realize over time that a person's true relationship with God is private. However, their character and integrity is public. Make that your focus.
Goes to church You'll see over time that just because a man or woman attends church, that doesn't mean they are good people or will treat you good. How a person behaves outside of those four walls should be your primary focus.
Light eyes Seriously?! lol! You just excluded a ton of people because of this one requirement Rethink this.
Rich Define "rich". Just because a man has money doesn't mean YOU will. Is he generous? That's what you need to make sure you find out.
Nice Car What exactly is a "nice car"? If you mean, "expensive", then you are being petty and need to think realistically. A man doesn't have to drive a Mercedes or Bentley to get along. You'll soon have your own cars and car payments and trust me, you will NOT have Mercedes money but will be blessed with reliable transportation.
Good Job Well this would make sense. If he's supposed to be rich and drive a nice car, then that would require a good job! But in order for a man to earn enough money for a "rich" lifestyle, he must devote a large portion of his time to that job and not to you. Are you sure you want a rich man? Think about it...seriously.Try a man who leads a balanced life and is financially responsible. That's a little more down to earth.
Minister I know what you're thinking, "surely a preacher is going to be a man I can trust and who has integrity!" But this is not a given sweetheart, There are plenty of God fearing men out there who are not clergymen. Don't hold this against them and don't assume he's a man of integrity just because he is clergy.
Sometimes I wish someone had gone over my list like this with a red marker! lol! But the bottom line is that there are plenty of young women in the world who have unchecked lists. There was a time in my life when I preached against the construction of lists but now, I see their usefulness. If done right, mothers can get a glimpse into the mindset of their daughters as it relates to men and guide them where they may be drifting. It can be used as a tool to show moms where problem areas are. Daughters who emphasize superficial qualities may be battling issues with self esteem and self worth. Daughters overly articulate about material possessions may lack compassion and empathy for the plight of others less fortunate.
These lists can be used for good but these lists must change.
If you're a young woman, an older woman can help you fine tune your expectations on life. If you're an older woman, it can hopefully show you where you have the greatest need and show you areas that you can continue to improve on.
It's ok to make a list.
Just make sure you're putting those lists to work for you.
The list goes on and on!
Truth of the matter is that we seem to have an obsession with lists these days. We rely on lists to keep us organized and focused. We look to lists to chronicle our ideas and dreams. We use lists to track our progress or lack thereof. We also use lists to define what we want in a mate.
I was no different than any other hormonal teenager in the world and spent the better part of my teenage years fantasizing about boys. My dear sweet mother did all she could to give my over-the-top emotions an ouitlet and her solution was the construction of "THE LIST".
It was my task to sit down and write all of the characteristics, down to phyiscal features, that I wanted in a boyfriend and pray, believing that God would somehow in His omnipotent power, cause our paths to cross.
Bless her heart, and mine too.
Here's what my list looked like, back in the day:
Good hair (curly or wavy)
Caramel complexion
Tall
Loves God
Goes to church
Light eyes
Rich
Nice Car
Good job
Minister
That's what my list looked like between the ages of 15 & 18. Sad to say, I've seen the same items on the lists of women twice that age. You'd think our lists would grow up along with us.
If I could come alongside my 15, 16 or 17 year old self, and proofread her "list", this is what it would look like:
Good Hair (wavy or curly) Your hair, sweetheart, is not wavy or curly. Is it fair to make this a requirement? Should hair texture define his or even your beauty?
Caramel Complexion Once again, your complexion is not caramel. You are a beautiful dark brown. HE can be too.
Tall It's ok to prefer a tall man as long as you keep an open mind. After all, you don't want someone to overlook all of YOUR good qualities simply because of your physical appearance.
Loves God This is definitely the best thing on your list so far but you'll come to realize over time that a person's true relationship with God is private. However, their character and integrity is public. Make that your focus.
Goes to church You'll see over time that just because a man or woman attends church, that doesn't mean they are good people or will treat you good. How a person behaves outside of those four walls should be your primary focus.
Light eyes Seriously?! lol! You just excluded a ton of people because of this one requirement Rethink this.
Rich Define "rich". Just because a man has money doesn't mean YOU will. Is he generous? That's what you need to make sure you find out.
Nice Car What exactly is a "nice car"? If you mean, "expensive", then you are being petty and need to think realistically. A man doesn't have to drive a Mercedes or Bentley to get along. You'll soon have your own cars and car payments and trust me, you will NOT have Mercedes money but will be blessed with reliable transportation.
Good Job Well this would make sense. If he's supposed to be rich and drive a nice car, then that would require a good job! But in order for a man to earn enough money for a "rich" lifestyle, he must devote a large portion of his time to that job and not to you. Are you sure you want a rich man? Think about it...seriously.Try a man who leads a balanced life and is financially responsible. That's a little more down to earth.
Minister I know what you're thinking, "surely a preacher is going to be a man I can trust and who has integrity!" But this is not a given sweetheart, There are plenty of God fearing men out there who are not clergymen. Don't hold this against them and don't assume he's a man of integrity just because he is clergy.
Sometimes I wish someone had gone over my list like this with a red marker! lol! But the bottom line is that there are plenty of young women in the world who have unchecked lists. There was a time in my life when I preached against the construction of lists but now, I see their usefulness. If done right, mothers can get a glimpse into the mindset of their daughters as it relates to men and guide them where they may be drifting. It can be used as a tool to show moms where problem areas are. Daughters who emphasize superficial qualities may be battling issues with self esteem and self worth. Daughters overly articulate about material possessions may lack compassion and empathy for the plight of others less fortunate.
These lists can be used for good but these lists must change.
If you're a young woman, an older woman can help you fine tune your expectations on life. If you're an older woman, it can hopefully show you where you have the greatest need and show you areas that you can continue to improve on.
It's ok to make a list.
Just make sure you're putting those lists to work for you.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Feed The Birds
I was standing in my kitchen yesterday washing dishes and tidying up things. As I wiped down the counter tops, I noticed that there was some old bread in the bread bowl (we use a large bowl instead of a bread box.. quirky, I know...lol!). I was about to toss all of it when I caught myself, almost with a start. I said to myself, "Don't throw that out! You can use that to feed the birds!"
I didn't grow up around animals, in part because I was literally allergic to so many different things, but the one animal I distinctly remember the most in my childhood was birds. I can remember my mother taking stale cornbread and slices of bread and tossing it out the back door onto the yard. When I asked her why she was doing this as a child, she'd say, "it's to feed the birds". Occasionally, we'd see a bird or two land and then take flight with a morsel of bread in his beak. But for some odd reason, this act of feeding the birds never left me.
My parents weren't avid bird watchers or anything of the sort. We never owned a bird feeder or grew flowering bushes specifically for hummingbirds. For the most part, we lived our lives almost totally removed from the animal kingdom and completely submerged in our own humanity. That is, until it was time to decide what to do with old bread.
Well yesterday, I decided that it would be for the children to experience feeding the birds so I planned to gather up all the old bread and take the children to feed the pigeons in downtown Greenville tomorrow. I've experienced the feeding of the pigeons near Falls Park once before and let me tell you, it's quite spectacular. If you have a bird phobia, I don't recommend it because those little guys are bold and a large number of them cluster around those who come bearing goodies.
I couldn't help but go back to that period of time in my life when I observed my mom setting aside old cornbread and sliced bread to feed the birds. I'm not even sure why she did it or when she started it, but there was something within her that told her it was the right thing to do.
Here I was, decades later, with the same burden on my heart: feed the birds.
First of all, we're not even from the same species! Why on earth am I concerned about a bird eating or not?
Then I realized that this is how God works.
Just when you think you're not on someones mind, God is placing you there, as subtle as an "aha" moment. There's probably some pigeon crying out to God now for his next meal. God heard him and told me to use that old bread to take a trip downtown with my two little children to feed him. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a great and mighty God to go through for something as lowly as a flock of birds. But that the way He is.
My mama came up in a era that knew all about struggle. They helped their neighbors and friends. Sometimes a sack of flour and can of lard was the difference between life and death by starvation. She knew all about hard times and saw her fair share. So did my dad. And maybe, it's with that understanding that both took the time to feed the birds. Even if it was just a slice, they didn't throw it away. Out the backdoor and into the yard it went.
I guess such a gesture would be considered littering today but to my parents, it was there way of remembering the weak and the lowly.
So while we're standing at Falls Park feeding a feisty flock of pigeons tomorrow, I'll remember that the Great God of the Universe laid them on my heart and if he can lay a bird on the heart of a human being so that it doesn't go hungry, surely He can and will lay you and I on someones heart at the right time and take care of us.
Don't forget to feed the birds.
I didn't grow up around animals, in part because I was literally allergic to so many different things, but the one animal I distinctly remember the most in my childhood was birds. I can remember my mother taking stale cornbread and slices of bread and tossing it out the back door onto the yard. When I asked her why she was doing this as a child, she'd say, "it's to feed the birds". Occasionally, we'd see a bird or two land and then take flight with a morsel of bread in his beak. But for some odd reason, this act of feeding the birds never left me.
My parents weren't avid bird watchers or anything of the sort. We never owned a bird feeder or grew flowering bushes specifically for hummingbirds. For the most part, we lived our lives almost totally removed from the animal kingdom and completely submerged in our own humanity. That is, until it was time to decide what to do with old bread.
Well yesterday, I decided that it would be for the children to experience feeding the birds so I planned to gather up all the old bread and take the children to feed the pigeons in downtown Greenville tomorrow. I've experienced the feeding of the pigeons near Falls Park once before and let me tell you, it's quite spectacular. If you have a bird phobia, I don't recommend it because those little guys are bold and a large number of them cluster around those who come bearing goodies.
I couldn't help but go back to that period of time in my life when I observed my mom setting aside old cornbread and sliced bread to feed the birds. I'm not even sure why she did it or when she started it, but there was something within her that told her it was the right thing to do.
Here I was, decades later, with the same burden on my heart: feed the birds.
First of all, we're not even from the same species! Why on earth am I concerned about a bird eating or not?
Then I realized that this is how God works.
Just when you think you're not on someones mind, God is placing you there, as subtle as an "aha" moment. There's probably some pigeon crying out to God now for his next meal. God heard him and told me to use that old bread to take a trip downtown with my two little children to feed him. Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a great and mighty God to go through for something as lowly as a flock of birds. But that the way He is.
My mama came up in a era that knew all about struggle. They helped their neighbors and friends. Sometimes a sack of flour and can of lard was the difference between life and death by starvation. She knew all about hard times and saw her fair share. So did my dad. And maybe, it's with that understanding that both took the time to feed the birds. Even if it was just a slice, they didn't throw it away. Out the backdoor and into the yard it went.
I guess such a gesture would be considered littering today but to my parents, it was there way of remembering the weak and the lowly.
So while we're standing at Falls Park feeding a feisty flock of pigeons tomorrow, I'll remember that the Great God of the Universe laid them on my heart and if he can lay a bird on the heart of a human being so that it doesn't go hungry, surely He can and will lay you and I on someones heart at the right time and take care of us.
Don't forget to feed the birds.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Boys Will Be Boys?
I absolutely love being a mom. I honestly believe that motherhood was God's personal gift to me which lifted me from self destructive behaviors and a feeling of worthlessness. Nothing says "I need you" quite like the voices of your innocent children. Not only am I a mom, I'm also the mother of two, a boy and a girl. It's very true that there are differences in gender and I'm thankful for the opportunity to observe those differences first hand. I never had a brother so it's interesting to see my son and daughter interact.
Their personalities are so different. Whereas, my son is very thoughtful and thinks ahead, my daughter tends to be a tad bit more selfish, sometimes downright diva-like. lol!
For the most part, I believe that my children behave age appropriately. What I mean by that is although I recognize my children are not always angelic, their sometimes naughtiness is not what I would consider to be a major issue. I'm still able to control them. There's no biting, scratching and spitting going on. lol! Nobody has set anyone or anything on fire and sadistically laughed about it.
My children are ok.
I consider myself to be a good, loving parent and for the most part, I try to look out for every single need of my children, particularly their mental and physical health.
But I had no idea that my son's gender identification would become my sole responsibility and burden.
Really?
Let's face it. Few moms wake up in the morning with a check list of "boy specific" rules to follow. We find ourselves instinctively gravitating to the things our children show interest in. My son LOVES cars and trucks which makes my life so much easier because there are some moms with boy children who want dolls and wear the color pink.
But the thing that I find disturbing is that both single and married moms are finding themselves in the cross hairs when it comes to the behavior of their little boys. As I stated just a second ago, my son likes cars and trucks 90% of the time. But for maybe 10% or less, he wants to comb mommy's hair while I braid his sister's hair. He and his sister play in my closet and occasionally, he's been known known to slip on my shoes. If his dad ever caught wind of this, there would be hell to pay and of course, it would be my fault that his son wasn't displaying manly qualities at all times. REALLY?
Okay folks. Let me weigh in on the whole subject of gender roles and children.
I heard on the news today that a famous clothing catalog featured an ad of a mother painting her young son's toenails a bright shade of pink.
I don't think that's cute.
At all.
Whereas I don't advocate disciplining a child for showing interest in another gender's activities or apparel, there is no need to encourage or even support this type of behavior in small children. When my son walked out of my closet in my shoes, he was disciplined, not for being a little boy in women's shoes but for making a mess of my shoes and strewing them all about the house. There's a difference. When he asks me if something is "for boys" or "for girls", I answer clearly. My daughter also asks the same questions. My son has watched me painting my toes before and asked if he could paint his. After saying, "No", that was the end of it.
I do realize that there are some children who this answer will not satisfy. There are little boys who want to wear girls clothing and BE little girls, not just imitate what appears to be interesting and fun for one sibling and not the other.
As a single mom, I don't harp on my son about being a "little man" or exhibiting masculine characteristics. He's doing that quite well on his own. My job is to be a guide and that's what I do. When he plays with his sister and picks up her doll, I don't freak out. She's his only playmate. I don't freak out when she zooms through the house with one of his toy cars. When he puts on my shoes, I ask him calmly to remove them. I don't lecture him about why it's wrong for little boys to wear women's shoes. He's five and I doubt he'd rake good notes anyway. I just stand my ground and do my job as mommy. For him, all he needs to know at this point is that mommy says yes or no to certain things and his little life goes on and he finds something else to do.
What gets me is when men who put the "single" in single mom and were the creators of the uber-degrading title "babymama" are often the biggest critics of how women raise their sons. EXCUSE ME?! That I don't get. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to actually DO your job than to sit up and criticize someone forced to fill in for you?
And let's face it. If it did not take the contribution of both parents to ultimately raise a balanced human being, God would have never structured it that way. We'd lay eggs in the sand, cover them and walk away. lol!
It can be scary to think that the burden of establishing a male child's gender identification rests solely on your shoulders as a mom but fear is not from God. He has given us the grace to make it this far. Certainly, with His counsel and wisdom, it is possible for a woman to raise a responsibly masculine man.
There's so much more to the makings of a man than how big his trucks are and how far he can pee and spit.
Character and integrity are the foundation of strong men. That's something that both parents can and should contribute to.
So yea, it may be a bad idea to paint your son's toes and show him how to apply lip gloss, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting him explore and guide him. It's my job to show my children the path. It will one day be their choice to decide whether or not they will continue their journey on it.
Their personalities are so different. Whereas, my son is very thoughtful and thinks ahead, my daughter tends to be a tad bit more selfish, sometimes downright diva-like. lol!
For the most part, I believe that my children behave age appropriately. What I mean by that is although I recognize my children are not always angelic, their sometimes naughtiness is not what I would consider to be a major issue. I'm still able to control them. There's no biting, scratching and spitting going on. lol! Nobody has set anyone or anything on fire and sadistically laughed about it.
My children are ok.
I consider myself to be a good, loving parent and for the most part, I try to look out for every single need of my children, particularly their mental and physical health.
But I had no idea that my son's gender identification would become my sole responsibility and burden.
Really?
Let's face it. Few moms wake up in the morning with a check list of "boy specific" rules to follow. We find ourselves instinctively gravitating to the things our children show interest in. My son LOVES cars and trucks which makes my life so much easier because there are some moms with boy children who want dolls and wear the color pink.
But the thing that I find disturbing is that both single and married moms are finding themselves in the cross hairs when it comes to the behavior of their little boys. As I stated just a second ago, my son likes cars and trucks 90% of the time. But for maybe 10% or less, he wants to comb mommy's hair while I braid his sister's hair. He and his sister play in my closet and occasionally, he's been known known to slip on my shoes. If his dad ever caught wind of this, there would be hell to pay and of course, it would be my fault that his son wasn't displaying manly qualities at all times. REALLY?
Okay folks. Let me weigh in on the whole subject of gender roles and children.
I heard on the news today that a famous clothing catalog featured an ad of a mother painting her young son's toenails a bright shade of pink.
I don't think that's cute.
At all.
Whereas I don't advocate disciplining a child for showing interest in another gender's activities or apparel, there is no need to encourage or even support this type of behavior in small children. When my son walked out of my closet in my shoes, he was disciplined, not for being a little boy in women's shoes but for making a mess of my shoes and strewing them all about the house. There's a difference. When he asks me if something is "for boys" or "for girls", I answer clearly. My daughter also asks the same questions. My son has watched me painting my toes before and asked if he could paint his. After saying, "No", that was the end of it.
I do realize that there are some children who this answer will not satisfy. There are little boys who want to wear girls clothing and BE little girls, not just imitate what appears to be interesting and fun for one sibling and not the other.
As a single mom, I don't harp on my son about being a "little man" or exhibiting masculine characteristics. He's doing that quite well on his own. My job is to be a guide and that's what I do. When he plays with his sister and picks up her doll, I don't freak out. She's his only playmate. I don't freak out when she zooms through the house with one of his toy cars. When he puts on my shoes, I ask him calmly to remove them. I don't lecture him about why it's wrong for little boys to wear women's shoes. He's five and I doubt he'd rake good notes anyway. I just stand my ground and do my job as mommy. For him, all he needs to know at this point is that mommy says yes or no to certain things and his little life goes on and he finds something else to do.
What gets me is when men who put the "single" in single mom and were the creators of the uber-degrading title "babymama" are often the biggest critics of how women raise their sons. EXCUSE ME?! That I don't get. Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to actually DO your job than to sit up and criticize someone forced to fill in for you?
And let's face it. If it did not take the contribution of both parents to ultimately raise a balanced human being, God would have never structured it that way. We'd lay eggs in the sand, cover them and walk away. lol!
It can be scary to think that the burden of establishing a male child's gender identification rests solely on your shoulders as a mom but fear is not from God. He has given us the grace to make it this far. Certainly, with His counsel and wisdom, it is possible for a woman to raise a responsibly masculine man.
There's so much more to the makings of a man than how big his trucks are and how far he can pee and spit.
Character and integrity are the foundation of strong men. That's something that both parents can and should contribute to.
So yea, it may be a bad idea to paint your son's toes and show him how to apply lip gloss, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting him explore and guide him. It's my job to show my children the path. It will one day be their choice to decide whether or not they will continue their journey on it.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Lord of the Mundane
I'll be the first to admit that I battle the war between being more than I am and being the best at what I am right now. Most of us with any bit of sense want to be more and achieve more before we hear the Lord say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant".
Most of us want to make a difference.
Most of us want to leave some sort of legacy behind.
Most of us want to be a constant source of inspiration to our children, and not just a constant reminder of what not to do with your life.
Since I began writing this diary, I've discovered that most mothers (single or married) face the same challenges and insecurities. There's very little that separates us. Sure, we each peer into each others' lives from a distance, believing each possesses something more valuable than the other but lets face it...
We're all relatively mundane.
There's nothing all that glamorous about washing, folding and ironing the one millionth load of laundry on a weekly basis. Nothing particularly noteworthy about learning how to steer an SUV with one hand and re-buckle a car seat with another. Oh yea, and let's not forget that new chicken recipe you discovered online that was a hit with the entire house.
Yay.
Truth of the matter is that most of us become frustrated because there is nothing particularly big going on in our daily lives!
We get up, we brush 3-4 sets of teeth, make lunches. make beds, push a vacuum, sit behind a desk, roar up and down the highway to soccer games and rehearsals, and find new ways to dress up chicken thighs. That's what mommies do.
And doesn't that just sound exciting?!
It scares most of us to think that our eulogy will contain a few dry jokes about our quick wit and maybe even a tribute to our famous chicken recipe. Okay, okay.. .enough about the chicken I know! But how many mommies are like me and rely on this bird to keep us out of starvation?! You get my point.
We turn on the tv and things go downhill from there. Nothing but success story after success story. "I started a multi million dollar cupcake business right from my studio apartment!" "I just won $335 million dollars after 30 years of constant gambling on the lottery!" "My philanthropic work in the slums of India has earned me a humanitarian award and 1 million followers on twitter!"
The list goes on.
And we bury our heads in laundry, bills, and sippy cups, feeling a little less motivated to face the world.
Where is God in all of this monotony?
It's no secret that I love the bible. That passion was ignited in part by my father but lets face it; the average child isn't thrilled to sit for hours listening to Alexander Scourby read the Old Testament on audio tape! There was something within me that loved the Word of God from an early age. Maybe it was the vivid stories and larger than life subjects that drew me in. I'm not sure what it was initially, but to this day, I still love the Word of God... in most versions.
But I've got to be honest (which I try very hard to do in this diary): it has always been very difficult for me to believe that the bible stories were real. It's not that I don't believe the Word is truth. It's just that I always considered the men and women of the bible to be on a level so far removed from average that I should never expect to experience God in any way close to what they did. Who strolls up to a 10 ft giant at the age of 17 and confidently says, "I'm going to kill you and take your head off...TODAY"? WHO DOES THAT?! lol!
And who says, "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! The enemy that you see today shall be no more", and THEN proceeds to part an entire sea?! WHO DOES THAT?!
So please bear with me. I love the bible. I love the Word. I believe every word to be true.
I've just had a hard time relating to those in the bible as "average".
Maybe that's in part because few preachers in my lifetime ever presented those same individuals as real. I understand that those who recorded the acts of God and the testimony of the saints were more concerned with documenting the awesome power of God. But I believe the church of TODAY needs to turn that documentation into something that can be believed. Rarely does anyone take a text and say, "How do you think that felt?" Because of that disconnect, I believe that many of us (myself included) have found the bible to be not much more than a storybook.
However, it is so much more.
It is a totally different experience reading the bible at 33 years of age than it was as a 7 yr old or even a 20 year old. I have a lot more life under my belt and a lot more colors to paint with on my palette. What I see now when I read the Word of God is not just a tribute to heroes and heroins. What I see now is how God time and time again, interrupted the mundane routine of average men and women and propelled them head first into their destinies.
We see the ascension of King David to power. But we don't fully appreciate the over 20 year gap between his being anointed as King and his actual ascension to that throne. The bible is full of hidden truths and those truths can be unearthed by those willing to dig.
The superheros in the bible we read were not overnight successes. Often they went years, even DECADES before God spoke to them and before anything He ever promised manifested.
DECADES.
So while you're crying into your cup of Starbucks or freshly fluffed and folded laundry, chew on that little revelation.
Not to long ago, while contemplating my life, the Holy Spirit whispered something to me. It's tough reading timelines and facebook statuses sometimes. We can be real here! Folks appear to be doing so much, and excelling so far. And there you are, little ol mundane YOU. I've never been to Spain or France. I've never left the East Coast. Never been on a plane. I'm literally proud of myself for being able to handle Atlanta traffic alone. I know people who would NEVER drive in Atlanta. Seriously.
I'm not making any major moves, nothing particularly exciting going on in my world; Just toys, juice pouches, temper tantrums, laundry, crayon marks on white walls and an SUV motoring up and down the same stretch of 3.5 miles a day.
But God spoke to me and told me, "I am the Lord of the Mundane".
That means that He doesn't need or require me to make something happen. Just because I am faithfully attending to what appears to be mundane and insignificant does not mean that I will escape His plan and purpose for my life. I don't have to be a mountain climber to one day find myself on a summit.
That's His job.
The impossible belongs to Him.
The mundane belongs to me.
As long as I do what He's given me to do faithfully, He will make sure that every blessing He's guaranteed will overtake me.
In order for something to overtake me, it has to know where I am. The blessing knows when I'll be at Wal-Mart, on my way to get gas, buying clothes at Target or stopping by Staples for office supplies.
He doesn't need a big event to create one in my life.
He is Lord of the Mundane.
In DUE SEASON, we all shall reap.
Plug up that vacuum cleaner, set the wash cycle, make those lunches and head on into the office. Whatever it is that you do, I hope this helps you to do it with a little more strength and a little more encouragement. As heroic and successful as the men and women in the bible are, they didn't start out that way. Somewhere, while attending to their mundane affairs, God met them and changed their destinies.
You will be more if you'll be faithful.
He's Lord of everything, including your mundane life.
Most of us want to make a difference.
Most of us want to leave some sort of legacy behind.
Most of us want to be a constant source of inspiration to our children, and not just a constant reminder of what not to do with your life.
Since I began writing this diary, I've discovered that most mothers (single or married) face the same challenges and insecurities. There's very little that separates us. Sure, we each peer into each others' lives from a distance, believing each possesses something more valuable than the other but lets face it...
We're all relatively mundane.
There's nothing all that glamorous about washing, folding and ironing the one millionth load of laundry on a weekly basis. Nothing particularly noteworthy about learning how to steer an SUV with one hand and re-buckle a car seat with another. Oh yea, and let's not forget that new chicken recipe you discovered online that was a hit with the entire house.
Yay.
Truth of the matter is that most of us become frustrated because there is nothing particularly big going on in our daily lives!
We get up, we brush 3-4 sets of teeth, make lunches. make beds, push a vacuum, sit behind a desk, roar up and down the highway to soccer games and rehearsals, and find new ways to dress up chicken thighs. That's what mommies do.
And doesn't that just sound exciting?!
It scares most of us to think that our eulogy will contain a few dry jokes about our quick wit and maybe even a tribute to our famous chicken recipe. Okay, okay.. .enough about the chicken I know! But how many mommies are like me and rely on this bird to keep us out of starvation?! You get my point.
We turn on the tv and things go downhill from there. Nothing but success story after success story. "I started a multi million dollar cupcake business right from my studio apartment!" "I just won $335 million dollars after 30 years of constant gambling on the lottery!" "My philanthropic work in the slums of India has earned me a humanitarian award and 1 million followers on twitter!"
The list goes on.
And we bury our heads in laundry, bills, and sippy cups, feeling a little less motivated to face the world.
Where is God in all of this monotony?
It's no secret that I love the bible. That passion was ignited in part by my father but lets face it; the average child isn't thrilled to sit for hours listening to Alexander Scourby read the Old Testament on audio tape! There was something within me that loved the Word of God from an early age. Maybe it was the vivid stories and larger than life subjects that drew me in. I'm not sure what it was initially, but to this day, I still love the Word of God... in most versions.
But I've got to be honest (which I try very hard to do in this diary): it has always been very difficult for me to believe that the bible stories were real. It's not that I don't believe the Word is truth. It's just that I always considered the men and women of the bible to be on a level so far removed from average that I should never expect to experience God in any way close to what they did. Who strolls up to a 10 ft giant at the age of 17 and confidently says, "I'm going to kill you and take your head off...TODAY"? WHO DOES THAT?! lol!
And who says, "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! The enemy that you see today shall be no more", and THEN proceeds to part an entire sea?! WHO DOES THAT?!
So please bear with me. I love the bible. I love the Word. I believe every word to be true.
I've just had a hard time relating to those in the bible as "average".
Maybe that's in part because few preachers in my lifetime ever presented those same individuals as real. I understand that those who recorded the acts of God and the testimony of the saints were more concerned with documenting the awesome power of God. But I believe the church of TODAY needs to turn that documentation into something that can be believed. Rarely does anyone take a text and say, "How do you think that felt?" Because of that disconnect, I believe that many of us (myself included) have found the bible to be not much more than a storybook.
However, it is so much more.
It is a totally different experience reading the bible at 33 years of age than it was as a 7 yr old or even a 20 year old. I have a lot more life under my belt and a lot more colors to paint with on my palette. What I see now when I read the Word of God is not just a tribute to heroes and heroins. What I see now is how God time and time again, interrupted the mundane routine of average men and women and propelled them head first into their destinies.
We see the ascension of King David to power. But we don't fully appreciate the over 20 year gap between his being anointed as King and his actual ascension to that throne. The bible is full of hidden truths and those truths can be unearthed by those willing to dig.
The superheros in the bible we read were not overnight successes. Often they went years, even DECADES before God spoke to them and before anything He ever promised manifested.
DECADES.
So while you're crying into your cup of Starbucks or freshly fluffed and folded laundry, chew on that little revelation.
Not to long ago, while contemplating my life, the Holy Spirit whispered something to me. It's tough reading timelines and facebook statuses sometimes. We can be real here! Folks appear to be doing so much, and excelling so far. And there you are, little ol mundane YOU. I've never been to Spain or France. I've never left the East Coast. Never been on a plane. I'm literally proud of myself for being able to handle Atlanta traffic alone. I know people who would NEVER drive in Atlanta. Seriously.
I'm not making any major moves, nothing particularly exciting going on in my world; Just toys, juice pouches, temper tantrums, laundry, crayon marks on white walls and an SUV motoring up and down the same stretch of 3.5 miles a day.
But God spoke to me and told me, "I am the Lord of the Mundane".
That means that He doesn't need or require me to make something happen. Just because I am faithfully attending to what appears to be mundane and insignificant does not mean that I will escape His plan and purpose for my life. I don't have to be a mountain climber to one day find myself on a summit.
That's His job.
The impossible belongs to Him.
The mundane belongs to me.
As long as I do what He's given me to do faithfully, He will make sure that every blessing He's guaranteed will overtake me.
In order for something to overtake me, it has to know where I am. The blessing knows when I'll be at Wal-Mart, on my way to get gas, buying clothes at Target or stopping by Staples for office supplies.
He doesn't need a big event to create one in my life.
He is Lord of the Mundane.
In DUE SEASON, we all shall reap.
Plug up that vacuum cleaner, set the wash cycle, make those lunches and head on into the office. Whatever it is that you do, I hope this helps you to do it with a little more strength and a little more encouragement. As heroic and successful as the men and women in the bible are, they didn't start out that way. Somewhere, while attending to their mundane affairs, God met them and changed their destinies.
You will be more if you'll be faithful.
He's Lord of everything, including your mundane life.
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